Hitting a Brick Wall

So, things have been rough between me and Brick. I think that I need to make everything less intense-- less time and less worry. It's been consuming way too much of my emotional energy, and frankly making me feel both frustrated and sad. I've already had enough sadness and frustration from Narc to last a lifetime.

What's been going on? Well, this latest round began last Friday (September 8th). Brick had stayed over my place the night before (the last night of Liu and the Cowboy's visit) and that morning we woke up to go to relapse prevention class together. Neither of us had remembered to do our assignment, which I panicked about that morning and did on the way to class. As Brick had missed class the previous week, I had his hand-out.

"I'll just tell him that you didn't give it to me," he said.

"What? Brick! No! Don't say that!"

We laughed about it. However, once in class, even though no one had their assignment, Brick volunteered that it was my fault that his work wasn't done. I was really upset. We ended up fighting in front of the whole group. It's not that the issue at hand was particularly important. But I came to realize that Brick doesn't "have my back" and that I don't entirely feel "safe" in our relationship. Half the time, I think I know what I can expect, and I think I know that he will be there for me, but I seem to be constantly let down.

The bottom line-- I ended up in tears. He thought I was being overly dramatic. He left group first and I thought he had left all together but it turns out that he was waiting for me upstairs. I looked at him; he looked at me; then we hugged and made up.

Later that afternoon, we ate enormous burgers at Jackson Hole. They left us feeling disgusting. I was depressed, partially from the food and partially from feeling all "cried out" from the morning's events. Brick came over to my place to use my computer. He wanted to apply for some jobs online.

One of the websites required a basic math/verbal online test. Brick asked me to take it for him. I refused. Then he asked for my help with it. I wasn't in the mood. The exam warned that it would take at least an hour. He pleaded for my help, so I made him a deal-- I would help him if he would agree to go to an AA meeting for four consecutive days (Brick hasn't been going to meetings, and it's kind of difficult for me to accept). He agreed. I had him sign a contract, as I know he's prone to squirm out of such things.

Later that night, we watched Shop Girl. The movie made me very sad and it made me think a lot about Narc. Half the time, I can't fathom what I've been thinking for the past two years-- I look at my insane behavior with him and marvel! But the other half of the time, I still feel achingly in love with him. I'm hoping that some of that will start to feel better with more time sober. Anyway, that night, my heart felt broken.

"Brick!" I whined. "I think I might die of sadness!"

"My counselor told me that if you say that, I should tell you I'm going to call 911," he replied, barely looking up from the computer, where he was chatting with boys online.

I was really annoyed. I clearly wasn't suicidal, nor had I made any kind of suicidal threat. I was merely being dramatic and he just didn't feel like having the conversation, so he blew me off. What's the point of a friend I don't feel supported by?

I went into my bedroom to watch TV with Lucy. At around 2:00 am, Brick came in and asked if I were mad at him.

"No. Just depressed," I said.

"Maybe you're depressed because you want to be," he suggested. "Sad about Narc because you think you should be."

"I never said I was sad about Narc," I told him. "And besides... don't keep invalidating my feelings!"

After that, everything was okay (sort of) and we watched Hide and Seek on TV (with Robert De Niro). Brick fell asleep before the movie ended. I couldn't sleep. I really wanted to write Narc a text. I keep dreaming of writing him the same thing: I really DID love you, I wanted to write. I'm sorry I couldn't be more than I am.

The next morning, I slept in. Brick woke me up in the early afternoon with some pizza to celebrate my four months. We planned to take it easy that day and make it another movie night. By evening, though, Brick was restless and made a date.

"I'm going to take off," he said.

"Okay. What time will you be back?"

"I don't think I'm coming back."

"But didn't we have plans?"

I was upset. At that point, it was nearly 8:00 pm and too late for me to figure out an alternate plan for the evening. It's hard for me to be alone on Saturday nights. I feel like this is a pattern with Brick-- last minute ditching. There was nothing I could do about it though, and he left.

After he left, I started to cry. I cried and cried and cried even harder. I'm not sure why I was crying so much. But then, at some point, I stopped crying. Nothing horrible happened to me. The tears just stopped. So, I got in bed and watched TV.

That night, I sent him a text:

I'm upset. Something has to change here. I can't handle this friendship as it is. Maybe we should both take some space and clear our heads. I don't feel emotionally safe in this as it is...

I didn't hear from him that night, but the next morning, I awoke to a text from Brick asking whether or not I "hate him."

I never hated you & doubt I ever will, I wrote. I just don't like feeling the way I felt before. Can't do it.

He called me, but I told him that I wasn't up for a conversation just yet. Instead, we agreed to meet at an AA meeting that night and work things out then.

That day (Sunday) I went out to Long Island for my great uncle's unveiling. I had said I'd call Brick when I was headed back to the city. I sent him a text at 4:30 telling him I'd be back at 5:30. He didn't answer. When I got to Penn Station, I called him. He told me that he was on another date and was near my house with Lucy.

"I'm not going home first before the meeting, though, Brick," I explained.

"I thought you were! That's why I came over here!"

"Yeah, but I never said that. Why didn't you call me to make a plan?"

Now we were both annoyed at each other. He told me he wouldn't come with me to the meeting.

"Fine," I said. "But please get the enormous dog crate and dog bowls and all of your stuff out of my house, okay? It's a little out of control."

I went to the meeting alone and it was fine.

Later that night, Brick called me. I didn't pick up, but sent him a text.

I want to call you but I have no energy to debate or fight or defend myself. I forgive you for what upset me (ie: his ditching me on Saturday and Sunday). But at the same time, maybe we're too different. Maybe I'm sensitive. But I don't want to keep hurting. I can't love you like I do & not expect things... That's why I said we should put some space...

Brick wrote back saying that he agreed. That "space" was a good idea.

Later that night, as I lay in bed, the phone rang. It was Brick and it was after 1:00 am. I picked up and we started to talk things through.

"I feel like you're making demands of me like a lover," he said.

"What do you mean by that?" I asked.

"Well, I'm always there for a lover. And I feel like you want to know where I am and have me call you back right away and stuff."

"I only want to know where you are when we have plans and you don't show. And I only want you to call me back when we have plans or if I have a question or if you say you're going to call! I just expect that of close friends. If you don't want to be reliable, we can't be close."

"But I sometimes don't even call my sisters back for a week," he said.

"I'm not your sister," I said. "And I need to be able to lean on my friends.

Ultimately, he apologized for being so flaky and said that he's "working on it" in therapy. He said that he wanted to stay close friends and that he would try to do better about "respecting me" in the relationship.

The next morning, I wrote to him telling him that I was "glad we had talked." I didn't see Brick again until Wednesday. He was supposed to come watch me teach a class that morning, but he flaked out. He did go to an AA meeting that day, just before group-- the first of four to keep his deal with me. After group that night, I walked him back to his place.

I was thinking about what he had said about the fact that he's "always there for a lover" but that he can't help but flake out on his friends. I was curious, as Narc was also incredibly "not there" for me.

"If you can be reliable, like you are for a lover, why aren't you reliable for your friends?" I asked. "It's disrespectful. I just don't get why you choose to disrespect your friends."

Brick got really mad at that.

"You don't know what my motives are," he said.

"I don't need to know your motives," I told him. "I've just been feeling really disrespected. Your actions are disrespectful."

This whole thing elevated into a huge fight revolving around semantic stupidities. By the end of it, I felt like Brick was on the attack and I started to cry. What is this really all about? That I am trying to be a good friend to him and I want to be able to lean on him, but I can't. He doesn't want to be leaned on. Why do I keep doing the same thing over and over? This is Narc again! Narc, who didn't want to be loved with any sort of obligation, but wanted me to be there when he wanted me. Brick is simply a "friendship" version of Narc!

I didn't run away crying, though. I stayed and talked it through and we seemed to make up enough for the moment. We went out late that night-- until after 4:00 am, hitting several piano bars. Brick stayed over my place that night with Lucy.

The next morning, Brick and I went to a meeting together-- the second of his promised four. After that, I had to go to teach. Brick went back to my apartment to hang out and walk Lucy.

When I got home that afternoon, there was spilled dog food and a urine soaked towel on my bedroom floor. Needless to say, I was upset, frustrated and once again feeling disrespected. I sent Brick a text:

There are dog food pellets on my bedroom floor along with the urine soaked towel and shirt. I can't have Lucy over anymore if you don't want to clean up after her.

This is on top of the fact that I asked him a million times to empty the ashtrays when he smokes in my house and he never does. When I spoke to Brick, he told me that he's sorry that he was being selfish. He noticed all that before leaving my house, but felt too lazy to clean it up. "I'm working on that in therapy," he said.

I was still mad as hell. I picked up the dog food and towels and went to sleep.

The next day (Friday), I saw Brick at relapse prevention. He had agreed to come with me to a 3:15 pm meeting. I was meeting B for lunch first, though. Midway through the meal, I got a call from Brick canceling on me... yet again!

Don't forget our deal on meetings... I wrote to him.

Well, he did. He didn't go to a meeting that day, blatantly disregarding his agreement with me... another entirely disrespectful act, in my opinion.

That's the night that I hung out with my sister.

The next night, Saturday, I went out for dinner with NDN. We had a great time and came and hung out in my apartment afterwards, downloading depressing music and chatting about life.

Brick had invited me out with a friend of his. He texted me at 10:45:

Going to Urge to see gogo boys... u r welcome to join.

As I was still with NDN, I told him I'd call him in a little while. (Needless to say, he didn't go to a meeting that day either).

At around midnight, when NDN has departed to meet up with ScrappyGirl, I texted Brick, asking him "what's up."

I didn't hear back from him for two and a half hours. Finally, he responded:

Hey... no service in the place...

I didn't believe him. But, whether or not he was telling the truth, the fact that I trust him that little at this point is pathetic. I can't sustain a friendship on that.

Yesterday, he sent me a text in the afternoon:

R u mad at me?

I called him back and left him a message telling him that I "wasn't mad" but that "I had a lot to think through with all of this." I mean, seriously... I can't go through this. I don't have another emotional roller coaster in me. And it's certainly not worth my sobriety!

Brick had said he would come with me to my meeting last night, but once again backed out. I wasn't surprised. He rescheduled for the meeting I'm going to tonight.

But today, when I got out of teaching, lo and behold, a text from Brick!

I overbooked myself and also committed to going to a beginners meeting, he wrote.

I called him up. I told him that I can't do this. I told him that what he's offering is not enough. I just can't trust him.

"Maybe what I need is space," he said.

"Yeah, but Brick! I said that last week when I told you I needed space, and you said you didn't want that."

I told him that this hurts. That it hurts a lot. That I'm confused and feeling rejected and disrespected.

"I have trouble being close to people," he said. "But I really do care about you."

"I don't know what 'care about you' means to you!" I said. "Because you're not acting like you care about my feelings at all!"

"Maybe I need to be a 'category B' friend," he said.

"You don't get to decide that," I told him. "I'm hurting right now. And I don't know if I can even be your friend at all."

I told him that I want Lucy's enormous crate out of my house tonight. I'm putting the rest of his stuff in it. Unless something majorly changes, I'm done with Brick. I'm sick of feeling like shit. I'm hard enough on myself, I certainly don't need anyone else mistreating me... especially as it is so close to the whole Narc thing.

Anyway, there's more to tell... last night I had a great dinner and chat with Hammer. And Narc and I exchanged some texts...

But that's it for now.

I'm really so very sad. Disappointed. But growing wiser, I think.

Goodbye, Brick...