I hate September 11th. The sky is piercing blue and clear today... just like it was five years ago. When I woke up, I saw the moon hanging over the Chrysler building, the sun shining strong.
Usually B and I go to a memorial service at St. Bartholomew's, but I can't today because I'm teaching until 1:00. I'm still going to meet him for lunch, though. B was downtown when it happened. I was so scared until I heard from him. I hate remembering that feeling. It comes back so strong.
I woke up this morning with knots in my stomach. I had that bad dream again last night... the one I wrote about last 9/11. This time, though, I was trying to call Brick and couldn't get a connection.
Brick and I fought some more last night. I was really depressed. But then we ended up talking on the phone late into the night and came to an understanding, if not a solution. The bottom line-- no matter how similar we are, in relationships we are very different. I just need to feel safe.
Narc lives a few blocks from "ground zero." I wonder if it's hard to get around his neighborhood this morning. (Ugh. I feel so fucking stupid. I wish I could stop thinking about him).
It's strange to see Giuliani, Kerik and everyone else on TV today. It's as if no time has passed. Life was so different when I was in college. The Clinton Years... New York's Giuliani era.
I don't know what I'm trying to say here. In any case, there's no time to say it. I have to finish getting dressed and get out of my house in the next five minutes or I'll be late for teaching.
Perhaps I'll write more later.
I hate all this loss though. I don't know how to manage my feelings.
-h-
3 comments:
This is a great post.
I don't think any of us can truly put into words what we felt that day or what we will feel every year on the anniversary of that day.
It's a universal silence that we all can understand.
I completely understand this post and feel in my own way, the same way.
I can't imagine what it must have been like to have been in NY then. I know that it really caused a wound in the city.
Hyde, you are doing great. Hang in there... with many hugs from your same but different friend in England.
Post a Comment