the Lost iPod... the Lost Girl

First of all-- yesterday was NDN's birthday, so...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, NDN!!!

Anyway, I'm still on the crime dramas, but I haven't eaten a single bowl of cornflakes since that last post. Perhaps it's because I'm too lazy to go out and buy some more? I have empty milk cartons, empty cereal boxes and reams of unopened mail strewn about my kitchen. I seriously need to do something about it. It's only adding to my sluggishness.

I do have to say, though, that I feel better than I felt two days ago. Tuesday night was awful. I spoke to my mom on the phone and something came up about my dad and I just started crying.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"I don't know... I just feel like he would be disappointed in me," I said. "I've always felt that way."

I think I left my mom bewildered. I don't know why I said that about my dad. I guess it's true, but it's not really true. Anyway, once I said it, I was in so much pain. I just cried and cried. But then, the next day was a little better. And today is better, still. My moods have been so all over the map in sobriety and I feel like I hardly know who I am anymore.

Yesterday I had a nice day... except for the fact that I lost my iPod! I am so sad about that, as it was a gift from B last year and I can't really afford a new one right now.

After teaching two classes in the morning, I went to church and prayed for an hour. I know I still had my iPod then, as I was listening to the Rachmaninoff Vespers. From there, I jumped in a cab and headed across town to meet B for lunch. I know I wasn't listening to the iPod because I called NDN to wish him a happy birthday and we had a little chat about his office mates. From there, it was lunch in a diner with B and then I walked home, talking to Hammer on the way. (So, again-- no iPod). And then it was time for a few crime dramas!

That evening, as I gathered my things to go to group, I reached into my bag and pulled out my headphones. There was no iPod attached. I dumped out the bag and scrambled through everything, but it was nowhere to be seen. I was quite disheartened.

Group was really great last night, although Brick (along with another group member) wasn't there. Our counselor decided to try "something new" and started us off with a chakra meditation to relax everyone. It's strange-- I know that I've always had jaw tension (it was a major problem I worked on in voice lessons) and I know that I'm a teeth-grinder, but I hadn't realized lately just how much tension I've been carrying in my jaw. I think all the teeth clenching has been giving me the headaches I've been suffering from lately. Trying to do that kind of relaxation exercise made me realize just how sore I am! My neck also...

I really don't know much of anything about "chakras," but I love crystals and do believe that they carry energy and have healing properties. So, of course, when I got home that evening, I ran to look up which crystals correspond with the fifth chakra, and when I saw that it was "light blue," I decided to wear my angelite ring today. (I know this is all making me sound terribly flaky and "unscientific," but I guess I'm a bit of a mystic, so... whatever...)

Group was good for a whole slew of other reasons as well, but I don't really want to go into all that...

When I got home last night, I talked to Brick on the phone for a little while and then just basically watched some TV and went to bed. I still haven't really been able to sleep with the phone off, and my finely tuned ears awoke to the gentle beep of a text message at nearly 2:00 am. Yes, yes... it was Narc. (I suspect this story has become dreadfully boring by now!)

At B&B. Out?

It was almost endearing how "old school" this text was. So, there was Narc... at Bar and Books by himself on a Wednesday night, thinking I would be out at 2:00 am. And I would have been... But I wasn't. However, a Narc is a Narc and Hyde is Hyde, so of course I wrote back...

:) I wish... I'm in bed... Drifting off to dream-land!

Alas...! Off you go, came the reply.

Would like to see you, I wrote back. So, let's figure something out soon... Was thinking about you tonight. (Then I wrote something smutty and inappropriate for the blog). Anyway, have a good night!

And that was that. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, writing him inappropriate messages, but at least I had resisted the call of the Narc! I didn't even have that much difficulty falling back asleep!

An hour or so later, the pounding tympanis of Zarathustra woke me from my slumber yet again. (Yes-- that's Narc's ring tone.) I let the call go to voice mail and then, in a daze, checked the message.

Oh, nice! Fucking, sleepy sleep-erson! Alright. Fine! Fine. It's about 3:00 am. It's Narc and well... You know... Shit... I just want... (he sighed, followed by a very long pause). You know... A human being in touch but, (then he said something I couldn't make out followed by another sigh). I would just like someone to talk to now, but you're probably out for the night. So... Give me a call if you're still up. If you're not, then we'll talk later. Alright. Bye.

The message was sad and slightly amusing. I went back to sleep.

My sleep was restless for the remainder of the night, and I must have woken up five or six more times. Then, this morning I woke up early without my alarm. I don't know why. Anyway, before teaching, I decided to retrace my steps and search for the lost iPod. I called the diner where B and I ate. Nothing. I called the church and went back there myself to check in the pew. Nothing. I called the taxi and limousine commission and left a report. Ugh! Nothing. So, I went for lunch.

While dining, I sent Narc a text.

I lost my iPod! Sadness. :(

N: Where? When?

I wrote back to him telling him the story.

What are you up to today? I asked.

N: Nothing at all, really. Trying to find a way to occupy myself, just now...

H: Hmm. Now that I have dvr, I've become terribly uninspired. I'm teaching today and meeting a friend for coffee, but give me a ring later if you feel like meeting up tonight.

N: Yes, DVR is the devil indeed...

H: Devil & savior in one!

Now, I really have to ask myself once again-- just WHAT am I doing??? It's like I'm doing everything I can to keep him tied to me. I'm giving him sympathy and kindness when he says he's not feeling well, I'm giving him smuttiness in the middle of the night, I'm repeatedly trying to make plans with him. And yet, I can see that in his message he said he just wanted a "human being" to be with... someone to be "in touch." Does that mean I could be swapped out for just about anyone? I realize how pathetic this makes me, but I can't seem to stop myself!

Now, I really do think that Narc loves me in his way. I know that most of you would disagree, but we can all agree that he's not willing to do anything about it and that certainly hasn't changed. So WHAT am I doing? I need to stop operating on automatic and stop operating out of fear and make some choices for myself and direct my life and let him go.

But I feel like I can't.

I keep telling myself that I also felt stuck in terms of the drinking. I also felt like I couldn't stop drinking, but I'm doing it. I'm doing it! But just how much can I do at once? Should I be hard on myself for this shit with Narc or should I let it go as long as I'm not picking up a drink?

I don't know... But I'm starting to become more and more aware how my behavior and my words more often than not have nothing to do with who I truly am inside... I betray myself constantly and naturally. No wonder I feel like I don't know who I am!

Ugh... I could ramble on about all this for a while longer, but I have to go teach and I want ten minutes to clear my head before going up in front of the classroom.

later...

-h-

Cornflakes and Crime Drama

Life is waiting for me, but I just don't feel like answering its call. I'm trying not to get too lost in this mood or to overanalyze myself, because overall, I think I'm doing a good job these days, and I am sort of PMS-depressed, but even so... I feel a little malaise.

All I want to do these days is eat cornflakes and watch crime dramas in bed. Without a Trace, all of the Law & Orders, etc. Cornflakes upon cornflakes. Bowl upon bowl. Oh, and I've been cutting a little again. I don't know why, and I'm not proud of it, but it's better to be honest than to pretend it's not happening. I can't say that it's because I'm sad or overwhelmed. It feels more like I'm bored. Like if I don't make myself feel something, I might just zone out to the point of disappearing. Then again, I think I'm choosing to lay in bed and watch TV and eat cornflakes just so that I won't feel anything. Because when I do feel things these days, I'm overwhelmed and scared. Cutting is very ritualistic for me and calming. It takes up a lot of time. I don't feel like apologizing for it or condemning myself right now. It just is.

Anyway... on to other topics.

This weekend was pretty relaxed. On Friday, after relapse-prevention class (and my fearful reunion with Brick), I went over to Hammer's place to check on Jimmy. Then I came home, ate cornflakes, watched crime dramas and went to bed.

On Saturday I spent most of the morning doing the same. That was the afternoon I had to go down to Narc's neighborhood to pick up a cake for my sister's Rosh Hashana dinner. I texted him in the morning:

Hey, I'm gonna be in your neighborhood around 1:00 or 2:00 to pick up that cake. Wanna get lunch? Or is there a reason you didn't answer my text yesterday?

I didn't hear back from him until 2:00 pm, just as I was leaving the bakery.

N: Just woke up, call in a bit.

H: I'm 2 blocks from you, but can't stick around for long. Have to go home, change & catch a train by 4:45...

He didn't call me (of course not!) so I called him. He didn't pick up the phone. I left him a message asking whether I should stay or I should go. Realizing how ridiculous it was to be running late in my day, standing on his corner, holding a cake while emotionally immobilized, I decided to go. I wrote to him again.

Ok... Well some other time, I guess. I'm gonna call you once more and then head home.

I didn't hear another word from him until after 5:00 pm when I was on the Long Island Railroad (sweaty and frazzled from almost having missed the train) when he wrote:

Ack, sorry hon! Feeling terribly under the weather. Ugh. Kill me now...

Predictably, I responded with sympathy:

Oh no! Well, feel better. I'll be back in the city tonight. L et me know if you need anything. And get lots of rest! :)

N: Too much rest! Should probably get out for a bit soon.

H: What to do? Where to go, huh? Let me know if you find an adventure. I'm off to Rosh Hashana at my sister's. Her first "adult" holiday as hostess. So... Happy New Year!

Dinner with my family was nice. My sister's niece and nephew (D&D) were playing with me and were absolutely adorable! The little girl is six or seven and was fascinated with my cell phone. She told me that she wanted to call my friend, so I let her call B. It was really cute.

My cousins Jail and Jol were there-- Jail with newly dyed black hair and Jol with a new boyfriend. My sister's in-laws were there too, along with my aunt and uncle, grandpa, mom and stepfather, my stepbrother, LilSis, JBC and of course-- BigSis and Bro-in-Law.

The whole holiday was really nice, except I felt sad about my stepbrother. So often when I see him, I'm happy and proud for how far he has come, but this week, all I could feel was the loss. It's so hard for me to understand the why in all of this sometimes.

At the end of the evening, my mom and LilSis drove me to the train station. In typical Hyde-family fashion, even though we had plenty of time before leaving BigSis' place, I missed the train. They had to drive me to another station to catch it. On the ride home, I was exhausted beyond belief. Even so, I texted Narc. It was around 10:30.

Feeling any better? I wrote.

N: Bit. Watching TV at friend's place.

H: Ok. Well, I'm glad you got out of the house. I'm on the train back to the city. Have a good night, if I don't talk to you. And let's hang out some time soon...

I honestly don't know what I'm doing or what I'm looking for. I don't know what I'm thinking. I don't know what I want or what I expect to happen. It's as if I'm operating on some terrifying, mind- numbing, cornflake fueled automatic.

Fifteen minutes later, he wrote back:

Feeling better definitely. Heading home now, though doubt I'll be able to sleep tonight, as I slept all day... (groan)

Now, that's an invitation from Narc, if I've ever seen one! I didn't want to answer. I guess I just wanted it extended. I got a text from TT inviting me out to Cheers, but I wrote back to him that I was too tired to go. I called Liu in Texas just to talk and to get my mind off things. At this point, I was in a cab on the way home from Penn Station. After Liu, I talked to the Cowboy, who had a lot of good advice for me. We talked for a really long time, and by the time I hung up, I was ready for bed.

As I climbed under the covers, I wrote him one last text:

Hmm... Looks like you'll have to bust out the melatonin! As for me, it's been a long day. Probably gonna crash soon...

The next morning, I woke up to a strange text from PonyTailBoy (I wrote about him in this super-long post from July). I decided to ignore the absurdity of my life and instead poured myself a bowl of cornflakes and settled in with another episode of Without a Trace.

That afternoon, I decided to try to help myself, so I called a girl from AA who had given me her number, but who I had never contacted. She was great and we talked for about half an hour. At around 2:00, B came over. We headed down to the West Village together to check on Hammer's Jimmy. After that, we had lunch at Burritoville and then walked uptown, first to Union Square and then to Madison Square Park. It was nice to spend the whole day just walking and talking with B. Next month we celebrate our 10-year friendship anniversary. I love him so.

Later that night, I talked to Brick on the phone. I had called him and left him a message on Friday and Saturday just to make sure that we're "okay" with everything. It looks like we're "friends" again, but of course, not in the same way. I am definitely going to proceed with caution, and the days of being super-close are surely over.

I couldn't sleep at all on Sunday night. I had tried turning off my phone-- my new attempt to avoid Narcy temptations, but I couldn't. I had too much anxiety. So much anxiety, in fact, that I could barely breathe. So I turned the phone back on, took a Lunesta and tried to count backwards. That didn't work well enough, so I started to picture myself in an outfit that I've worn each year, starting with the present, going back to my birth. I got almost every year except 1986 or 1987.

The next morning, I woke up and went to teach. After that, it was home for more cornflakes and television. Thankfully, I was saved from too much of that by having to get out of the house for a therapy appointment. It was a really good session. I had a bunch of new realizations about myself-- things that I don't particularly like, but that are true nonetheless. I have a lot to say on all that, but I'm not ready to yet...

After therapy, I met Bezoukhoff for a quick cup of coffee. We talked "shop" for a little while and I threw out some of my possible dissertation ideas while he talked to me about Soviet consumerism. Finally, I had to jump into a cab to make my 7:15 AA meeting.

At the meeting, I had a chance to catch up with Meema. Afterwards, I was bone tired (despite my vivarin boost) and so I walked home. I don't know why I'm so tired these days. Maybe it's all the cornflakes and television. I used to be able to run around on so little!

That night, I nearly finished a crossword puzzle and had a brief reunion with NDN, who had spent the weekend in Florida.

I got into bed early that night, and again shut my phone. But again, I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned until after 3:00, overwhelmed with anxiety.

Today I wasted most of my morning. It wasn't all a loss, though, as I got up the courage to call two more girls from AA. At 1:00, I finally got over to my school, grabbed a bite to eat and headed to my office to take care of some paperwork, etc. Again, I don't know why, but I texted Narc:

It's perfect outside today! I'm wearing my cowboy boots from TN... Ha ha. Have to go teach "the Rise of Christianity" in a few. What are you up to?

He wrote me back shortly thereafter:

Errands of the classic variety-- must return vacuum, etc... (groan)

H: You bought a vacuum? Or borrowed one?

N: Bought one, broke as I was assembling it...

H: :( Good luck with that. I am awaiting some furniture, some of which needs self assembly. Hope I fare better. Weird... As I was writing this, I was approached by a girl who I taught in 9th grade. She's a college sophomore now. God, I'm old!

(As you guys can see (from my last post), this just happened). His response to that was cute and unexpected. I guess I never really know what to expect from him.

N: Older and wiser... (wink)

H: I certainly hope so. If you think so, I'll take you at your word. :)

And then, something even more unexpected. Narc opened up to me.

N: Am beginning to realize I don't know much of anything these days! Don't think any of my actors "get" my script... May have to go back to genre writing...

Wow.

Well, as expected, I went onto automatic-caretaker. Here's my reply:

I still have to read the script, so can't comment there, but don't give up. The script is not the finished product. Realize your vision, put it out there & then decide. Your actors are not your audience. I have faith in you... That said, I'm also feeling like I don't know much. Told you-- I'm having weird spiritual experiences, etc. lately. Not sure what to make of anything anymore... But such is life, right?

And that was the end of our exchange.

I don't know what else to say, except that I haven't been doing my spiritual work this week, and it shows. I can feel it. I skipped meetings on Saturday and Sunday and I'm definitely not centered. I feel like I'm swimming in dangerous waters and I like it, even though I don't want to get hurt and I certainly don't want to die. I'm anxious because I don't like it. I'm anxious because I do like it. I don't know if I'm making sense to anyone, but I hardly make sense to myself right now. There's so much feeling in me, that I feel like I'm vomiting out of every pore. I'd so much rather eat cornflakes, stare at the television and methodically scratch at my skin until it bleeds. I don't know why, but I would... And yet, it's not what I want. I want to grab a hold of life. I want to get well. I want to live.

Just a few hours ago, I finally got on the phone with GoldenFinch. I haven't talked to her in forever. Well, I don't know if you remember, but she had a baby in April-- the month after my baby would have been due. So, I've never gone out to see her or the baby. It was just too hard. I have a lot of resentments towards her, and they were overwhelming me. Anyway, she directed me to go look at pictures of her baby online and they were just so beautiful. He is just so amazingly beautiful that I started to cry. He has her eyes exactly. And I felt like life was good.

But a moment later, I felt anxious. And then I didn't know what I was feeling anymore. I'm hoping that it's just a hormonal week... and that I won't have to spend the rest of my life munching on cornflakes to the sounds of Law & Order.

Anyway, I better get going, or I'll be late to AA. I have a commitment as a greeter, so we can't have that!

later...

-h-

Hyde is Old!

Okay-- the strangest thing just happened. I was in a deli near the school where I teach, loading up my coffee with sweet-n-low, when a girl approached me and tapped me on the shoulder (I must not have heard her earlier attempts to get my attention, as I had my iPod on).

"Didn't you used to teach at the ----- school?" she asked.

"Um, yeah..."

(I didn't recognize this girl).

"Well, I think I had you as a teacher," she said, shyly.

"Oh! What's your name again?" I asked, smiling as if I had some recognition.

"Genesis."

"Genesis? Didn't I have you when you were in 9th grade? For writing?"

"Yes! That's me!"

I couldn't believe the girl standing in front of me was the girl in my memory. She was an awkward, overweight, needy 9th grade girl who used to stop by my classroom after school to talk about life, to look for a friend, as if she had no one else to talk to. She looked vibrant and full of life now, and as if she had grown a bit more into her body and come to know herself much better.

"You really made a difference for me," she said. "You were a great teacher. It sucked when you left. I want to be a history teacher."

"You do? Wait-- so you graduated already? Are you going to college here?"

"Yes. I'm a sophomore."

Woah!!! I am so old!!! I can't believe she's a college sophomore!

"Well, you should email me some time if you ever want to catch up," I said. "Or talk history... or anything."

"Really?" her eyes lit up. "Okay! Didn't you leave ---- school because you went to do your Master's?"

"Yeah, I did it in a year and then I started the PhD and now I'm adjuncting."

"Oh...Yeah... I heard from some people you were teaching here."

"So... keep in touch," I said, scribbling my name and email on a scrap of paper. "And if you haven't signed up for the required history surveys, you should take them with me. You look great. It was great to see you again. "

"You too!" She was beaming. She and her friend (who hadn't said a word during this entire encounter) shuffled off.

So that was that. Wow. Hyde is old!!!!

I taught high school from 2001-2002. I was 22, turning 23 that year.

Time fucking flies.

I have a lot more to say... a lot more to blog about... but I've got to teach and finish up some paperwork first.

Just had to tell that story...

-h-

Happy New Year!

I'm going out to BigSis and Bro-in-Law's apartment tonight to celebrate Rosh Hashana. But first, they asked me to pick up a cake from a bakery down in Tribeca... on Narc's street! But I'll get to that in a minute...

Thursday was a rough day for me, feeling like my friendship with Brick was over. I was also still reeling from this week's encounter with Narc. After I taught my class, I sent Narc an email:


Hey,


Did you hear about The Tristan Project? Wagner and Bill Viola together at last and coming to NY! It's like a dream come true. Too bad I can't afford it...


(The death of Isolde... does it get any better?)


Anyway, I better get back to work... About to teach about the Congress of Vienna.


:)


love,
Hyde

ArtNet.com

After that, I went to an AA meeting and had a nice chat with Meema. Afterwards, I called BigSis (again!) and we talked for a while. Then I called Bezoukhoff and he met me for dinner. We came back to my place after dinner and ate ice cream and watched House. So, it was okay.

I was scared to go to group on Friday and see Brick. He hadn't answered my text. Brick has always told me that he has a really mean streak, and I was afraid he was going to be mean to me. When I got there, he was already there. He looked at me, I looked at him, and we both smiled. I felt less horrible about everything right away. I asked if he got my text.

"No, I never got it," he said. "But I read your blog this morning and saw it there!"

"Oh... Well, I'm sorry," I said. "I'm sorry I came down so hard on you."

"Okay."

"Do you forgive me?"

"Yeah."

So, that was that. After group, though, he left without saying goodbye.

I went over to Hammer's place to hang out with Jimmy (her bird) and work on my fourth step. I talked to B on the phone for a while and ate some Haribo gummi worms. (Yum!)

I was wiped out beyond belief that night, but had to stop by the bakery to pick up the cake to bring to my sister's. Still thinking of Narc, I sent him a text, asking him if he knew where the bakery was.

Looking at my watch, though, I realized that I no longer had enough time to get the cake, make it home, change my clothes and get to services in time. So, I headed straight home.

Back at my place, I don't know what got into me... I suddenly grew very lethargic and just wanted to go to sleep. So, that's what I did. I went to bed at around 9:30 pm. I was really very anxious though, and I couldn't pin point why. I couldn't get the anxiety to stop. I had made a committment to turn off my phone at night to avoid possible Narc temptations, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't breathe until I put the phone back on. So, I did. Then I took a Lunesta. Before long, I was out like a light.

I woke up this morning to the phone ringing. It was BigSis asking about the cake. I told her I still had to go get it. There was a possibility that I would be getting lunch with Dan today, but he texted me saying that he didn't feel well. So... What did Hyde do? Yeah, I'm sure you guessed it... I sent Narc another text:

Hey, I'm going to be in your neighborhood around 1:00 or 2:00 to pick up that cake. Wanna get lunch? Or is there a reason you didn't answer my text yesterday?

Oh, Hyde! What are you doing???

I shouldn't have slept with him. He's back in my blood. Maybe he'll keep his distance though until the knots in my stomach have another chance to untangle.

I'm looking forward to seeing my family tonight either way. I'm feeling closer to them than ever before, and it's an amazing thing.

So... things aren't perfect. But it's another New Year. Last year, at this time, I swore off drinking. I said that it was going to be the year when I would quit. By December, January, February, March... things looked dismal. But I did it. I did quit this year. And now I've got another New Year ahead.

Who knows what the future brings... It's kind of a beautiful thing.

love,

Hyde

Where's the Boy?

Things are a real mess right now. Last night I saw Brick for the first time since Monday. I felt very uncomfortable around him. And, as I could have predicted, group was a minor disaster. Brick described what happened between us as "a disagreement." I had to protest. I found myself angry-- a very rare feeling for me. I told him that he has disrespected me, that he misrepresented himself, that he's a liar, that I can't trust him and that I have no interest in being his friend on any level. I know I came down hard on him, but I was in a lot of pain.

I don't feel like re-telling all of it right now, but I guarantee I'm not going to hear from Brick for quite some time, if ever. When I got out of group, I started to cry hysterically. I stood alone on Park Avenue, my face red and my chest heaving. Then I called BigSis. Would you believe it??? I called BigSis! She was great. By the time I got home I felt better.

Last night, my head against the pillow, I wrote Brick a text:

I'm sorry. I don't think you're a bad person & I didn't mean to attack you. I am just feeling very hurt. I guess our needs are just not compatible right now. Even so, know that I love you as a friend and am rooting for you. I'm sorry it had to work out this way. Take care...

Like I said-- I don't expect a reply.

I woke up this morning feeling empty. Free, in a weird way, but empty. I so want to call Narc. To be able to call Narc. But I know that it's not right. Hammer is away this weekend and so is NDN. Hammer needs me to look after little Jimmy, her bird...

Anyway, that's it for now. I'm off to teach about Ancient Rome.

I hate endings. For the first time in maybe eight years, I don't have a boy to look after.

Sigh.

-h-

Sorting Through

So, I think I need to do a little explaining about what's been happening around here...

On Monday, what was most consuming my thoughts was my conflict with Brick and our "breakup." I talked it over with my (new) therapist and then went to an 11th step meditation meeting that night. When I got home, I called Shorty and we caught up on the phone. At around 9:30, Brick came by to pick up Lucy's cage and all of the stuff he had left at my house (several pairs of shoes, a suit, a bag of ties, a book, etc.). When he came in, he tried to give me a hug. I didn't want it. I don't hug people I'm not that close to, and apparently he doesn't want to be close. I think that friendship just means something different to him than it means to me. I was so very sad about the whole thing and went to bed early.

Five and a half hours into my slumber, I heard the phone ring. I opened my eyes. It was Narc. It was 4:30 am.

What??? Narc, Narc, Narc...

My heart went into an immediate panic and began to flutter about madly in my chest. My throat felt tight.

Don't pick it up, Hyde. Don't answer. This is NOT what you want for your life. This is NOT the path towards sanity. Ask yourself-- is this bringing you one step CLOSER to a drink, or one step farther away?

I didn't answer the phone. But I couldn't sit with it... couldn't live with it.

He left me a message:

Hyde, You're no fun!!! I'm eating a Boston cream. It's a doughnut that you buy from like, I don't know... any random doughnut shop. (Sigh) Oh so good... Yes! The Boston cream. I hugely recommend the Boston cream . Anyway, just me calling... saying I'm about to go into the Boston cream. And um, wondering where you are. Okay, call me back if you like. Bye.

Okay, I know that's an idiotic message, but it's Narc! It's Narc!

Not even a minute later, I called him back.

"Well that was fast," he answered.

"Yeah... What's up?"

"I'm just sitting here looking at a doughnut," he said. "A glazed doughnut."

"You are?"

"Yes. When's the last time you ate a doughnut?"

"I don't know, Narc. A very long time ago, I think."

"And why is that?"

"I don't know... It's a decadent thing to do?"

"I thought you were all about decadence," he laughed.

I wasn't sure what to think of all this. He was clearly tipsy but not wasted. I wasn't sure quite how to react. The conversation was awkward, to say the least.

"So, what's been going on with you?" I asked.

"Just out with a few actor friends tonight," he said. "Just back in. Thought I'd give you a call... see what you're up to..."

"Well, I was sleeping," I said. I wasn't sure what to say.

"How the teaching?" he asked.

"It's going well, actually!"

I started to tell him that I'm feeling more energized this semester, that I'm more on top of things and enjoying it much more. I also tried to explain that I've been changing.

"I've had a bunch of 'spiritual' experiences," I said.

"Oh really?"

"Yeah... it's hard to explain though." (I didn't want to).

"So it sounds like everything is wonderful." (Was that regret I heard in his voice? Jealousy? Sadness?)

"Yes, it's good, but it all feels strange," I sighed. "I mean, things are just different. I don't know what to expect anymore and that scares me."

"What do you mean?"

"Well... My life used to be so scripted. I knew just what would happen because the same things happened over and over. And even though I felt stuck and wasn't what I wanted, there was security in that. Everything now is so unknown. I just don't know what's going to happen next, or who's going to come into my life."

"In other words, you miss the drinking?" he laughed.

"Well..."

"You miss the drinking!" he declared.

"I guess in a way, I do."

"Ah, Hyde... So disciplined now. It's not you."

"Maybe it is..."

"So..."

"So..."

This conversation was so tense. And then it came out of nowhere...

"So... What are you wearing?"

I could have responded to that in a variety of ways. What the hell?!? I could have shouted, hanging up the phone. Narc, that's inappropriate, I could have admonished. It's none of your business and we're not going there, I could have said. But I didn't.

"Um... nothing..." I said, quietly.

"Why did you pause?" he asked.

"Because I'm not sure that you should be asking me that question."

"Why not?"

"Because I thought we weren't doing that anymore."

"Ugh, Hyde!" he sighed, as if exasperated with me.

Well, as you can imagine, the conversation got a lot more explicit. We basically had phone sex.

"I'm coming to see you now," he told me.

"No, you can't!"

"Yes, I can and I will."

"Narc! You have a girlfriend now! What happened to that?"

"We're not exclusive," he said. "What I have is a girl who's been in Russia for a month. And she was dating all these guys before she left... hip hop guys..."

"But I thought you said you were in love with her."

"Yes, she's great and all, but she drives me crazy. You know that!"

"Well, forget her, then... It's not good for me," I weakly protested. "I can't do this with you again... I can't..."

"Yes you can," he said. "I'm coming there."

"No, Narc! I can't... I can't sleep with you. It's too complicated."

"Does it have to be so complicated?"

"Well... yes! I mean, you know I have feelings for you. You know I'm in love with you..."

My voice was small when I said it... Small and pleading. I had already given in before my protest began.

"Oh, Hyde... I'm in love with you too! You know that!" he answered.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"What?!?! You are not in love with me! Don't say that."

"Yes! Yes, I am. I'm in love with you. I always have been. I've always loved you and I still do. Damn it, I love you, Hyde! What ever would give you reason to believe otherwise?"

Fucking unbelievable! What ever would give me reason to believe otherwise?!?!

"Maybe the fact that you said you didn't want to be with me Narc... That you have a girlfriend..."

"I already told you. I have a girl who's been in Russia and WE-ARE-NOT-EXCLUSIVE! I love you, Hyde, and I'm coming there."

"No, you can't!" I was in a near panic now. My head was spinning. "I have to get up early in the morning."

"What time is early?"

The battle was over. He had already won.

"9:00."

"What are you doing?"

"Meeting B..."

"Ugh, B!" he was exasperated again. "Blow him off."

"No, I can't. I could come to you, though..."

What are you saying, Hyde? What are you doing?

"You can't. CouchSleeper is on the couch," he said.

I should have known... That's why he volunteered to come to me.

"Well, you can't come here either."

"Do you think you could be really quiet?" He asked.

"Sure. Of course I can"

"Okay," he agreed. "Come down."

"Give me half an hour."

I leapt out of bed and shaved my legs, throwing on some clothes and a little lip gloss. It was just after 5:00 am. The night doorman was still at his post.

"Good morning, Hyde!" he smiled.

Good MORNING? Hyde! What are you doing?!?

The taxi ride was a blur. The same ride. The same city lights. I was going to him.

When I got there, Narc's doorman smiled to see me.

"Haven't seen you around here in quite some time!"

"Yeah, I know..."

"Still sober?"

"Yeah. That's why I haven't been here."

"Should I buzz him?"

"No, wait! Let me call. His friend is asleep up there."

I called Narc and headed up to his apartment. He met me in the hallway, grabbed me and started kissing me right then and there.

"God, I've missed you," he said. "I love you. I love you."

His whispers were coming in between kisses.

"Let's go in."

I tip-toed past snoring CouchSleeper and into his bedroom. He pulled me in and started kissing me, stripping my clothes off of me right away.

Now, I wish this were more of a sex blog, so I could record and remember every detail, but I'll spare you all of that. The entire time, he kept whispering how he loves me. He wanted to be so close. He stared into my eyes and cuddled me lovingly. I told him that I love him too. Over and over. It was absolute madness.

The sex went on for a really long time. Half the time I was there and with him, wanting to dissolve into him, wanting to be only for him.

"You're mine," he said. "You exist for me."

I let it be. I let it be so for that night. It was so for that night, even though that's not a sustainable reality for me. And I do believe that he loved me that night... even though that's not a sustainable reality for him.

But then, there were other thoughts.

Why did you come here, Hyde? This is not who you want to be! Where you want your life to go! This is not what God wants for you. This is self-will. This is what sent your life over the edge to begin with. This is not behavior you will be proud of. It's not an estimable act. And what message are you sending to Narc? That you're weak. That he HAS you. That you'll take fewer and fewer scraps and still be there. You were doing so well! You were sound asleep and feeling good about yourself. What happened to that spark? What happened to that feeling of "wanting to live?" This can not and will not bring you there. Why are you here again?!?

And then the next minute, I was back with him, becoming him, merging, released, relieved. I miss that release. It was drinking for me. That warmth inside my body-- that pulsing in my veins and that relief, that melting, that I crave more than anything.

Finally, he was finished and collapsed back into sleep. He pulled me next to him on his chest. I didn't know what to do. But he was out for the night and I had to get home to shower and dress before meeting B. I disentangled myself and pulled my clothes back on. Then I slipped away. Before I went, I sent Narc a text.

:) I wrote.

On my way home, I called my sponsor. I know the typical Hyde response to such an event-- SCRAP IT! I couldn't let that happen. So, I called my sponsor and left her a message telling her what went down. Then, back at my place, I fell asleep again for another few hours.

When I woke up, I had a message from my sponsor.

I went through something similar when I first got sober, she said. But I guarantee you, if you had been talking to me every day, like I said, this wouldn't have happened. If you want me to be your sponsor and you want my help, you're going to have to work the program and follow my suggestions.

She said that she wanted me to talk to her after that night's meeting. My initial reaction to her message? I was extremely annoyed. I do call Talis every day, but I usually get her voice mail and leave a message. I have been going to meetings every day. I have been doing my step-work. I thought she was hard on me in her message. This didn't happen because I haven't been working the program. It happened because I'm still in love with Narc and I wanted to see him and I wanted to be with him (and in an evil way, I wanted him to "cheat" on PopStarChick) and I'm just not in a place yet in which I would have chosen to do anything differently. That's what scares me. This wasn't a slip up. If Narc calls me again like that, I'll see him again. And that's the honest truth.

Since I was now pissed at my sponsor (perhaps a little misplaced anger?) I called Meema, my "sober sister," as she has the same sponsor. We talked for a really long time (as I sat in traffic around the UN) and I was glad for it. She knew exactly what I was frustrated about with my sponsor and shared with me how she dealt with a similar situation, and we talked through a lot of the stuff about Narc.

I had lunch with B that afternoon as planned, and tried to sort through some of this with him. Afterwards, I still wasn't settled. I was still mad at my sponsor and feeling like I wanted to quit AA. How's that for crazy thinking? I was mad at my sponsor for being hard on me about my own choice and therefore wanted to quit the whole program? That's definitely my addiction talking. So, I called my therapist and sat at the fountain of Lincoln Center, talking to her for a good half hour. Afterwards, I felt much better, less resentful at my sponsor, and recommitted to my sobriety. As for the issue with Narc, I concluded that I'm only at where I'm at. If I can't turn him down, I have to find another way. I agreed with my therapist to start shutting my phone off at night.

After that, I went into my (second) favorite church and prayed. And prayed. And prayed. Then I went and taught a class.

After class, I headed over to the AA meeting early. I have a Tuesday night service commitment as a "greeter." I still feel very uncomfortable and socially awkward and shy, but I'm starting to know everyone's name there, and being a greeter is a good thing because you get to meet a lot of people. It's a huge Tuesday night meeting-- 350 people or so!

Another girl who was there as a greeter has always given me a bad vibe. I've noticed her a bunch of times with a clique of girls and I've always felt like she's giving me dirty looks. We ended up standing next to each other though, and for the first time in weeks, she introduced herself. Then we started chatting. I realized that those "dirty looks" were all in my mind. She was really nice and I told her a little bit about what was on my mind with the Narc situation and she gave me some advice and her phone number. It was a good lesson for me.

After the meeting, I finally got to talk to Talis. She was also very warm and supportive.

"I did the exact same thing as you," she said. "I didn't listen to my sponsor at first and I kept on seeing an ex-boyfriend, and it brought me a lot of pain. I just want you to have less pain in early sobriety than I had."

I walked her to the subway and we chatted the whole way. I still don't quite feel connected to her, or like we're "friends," but again, it was clear to me that I over-reacted to her message based on my own fears, and again, it was another good lesson for me.

That night, I got home and into bed and was chatting with Brick (who called me... I'm still not sure how I feel about him or where our friendship is going) and I got a text. It was from Narc.

Up? He wrote.

What the?!?! I answered right away.

Did you just send this? Of course I'm up! It's 9:30...

He wrote back: Want to... See what happens... Home?

I thought that was a weird message. I could only interpret as "Want to fuck? See what happens when we've already met up? Are you home?" But the fact that it was such a poorly written text and the fact that he was wondering whether or not I was awake at 9:30 pm and the fact that CouchSleeper was in his company that day clued me in to the fact that he was probably wasted beyond belief.

So, I replied:

I can't tonight...Not sure that this is good for me...

After that, I knew I should shut off my phone. But I couldn't. What if he wrote back? (Forget it Hyde! I can't!) I called him. I know, it's weird, but I did. The fact that he didn't pick up? Again, leads me to believe he was wasted.

Hey Narc, it's me. Just calling to say hi. I guess we have some things to talk about. I mean... I just got your text. And this can't be a regular thing for me. It's confusing... complicated. I don't know... I guess I just wanted to talk to you about all of it. I mean, it was great seeing you last night and all, but... I don't know. I don't know what I'm saying exactly. Just that I think we should talk, so give me a call, okay?

That was that.

This morning I got up and braved the traffic and went to teach. (I also forgot to meet B at the opera where I promised to line up with him early to get tickets to a special event. Oops!) When I got out of class this afternoon, I had another text from Narc:

No, was just going to chat or what not. Talk in a bit.

Um... Yeah, right. Can you say "denial?"

Anyway, that's where things are at right now. I'm still trying very hard to align my will with what is right for me and to get rid of this obsession I have with Narc, but It's so fucking hard. All I can do is keep trying. I've got group tonight and I'll see Brick there. Ugh. Another emotionally complicated relationship to deal with.

But that's it for now.

Hope this post wasn't too long and didn't start to bore you...

lots of love,

-h-

Six months... A year... A joke

Roughly a year ago, I made a post about what I had been doing six months before that. I think it's time for another check in. What was going on six months ago? What was going on a whole year ago?

Six Months Ago:

• Hammer met SingMan
• I had a day with three dates-- Narc, the Stallion and TT! (And TT and I bumped into JFig and her mom!)
• Con-Ed nearly shut off my electricity because I forgot to pay the bill
• NDN and I went to see La Boheme, followed by my friend NV's birthday party where I met that strange character, the coke-head-- Merlin.
• I had a sore throat
• I started making those centerpieces for my mom's party
• Narc started being annoying about money and asked me to borrow some (and we ate at Houston's).

One Year Ago:

• Narc was in the middle of his European tour
• I had dinner with B's parents when they were here visiting
• VJ's ex-boyfriend and my ex-friend, E-the-R randomly contacted me seeking a drug number.
• NDN came with me to my cousin's bar mitzvah and later emailed my mom dirty jokes.
• I lost my Georgian mourning ring (and then found it!)
• I sat in BigSis and Bro-in-Law's new apartment waiting for furniture deliveries (and talking to Dan online)
• NDN and I had our palms read

Anyway, as it's that time of year, our esteemed world leaders have once again taken over my neighborhood. The UN is in session for two weeks and the traffic and street closures are out of control! It's making the entire city congested.

I have a lot on my mind today, as you can probably guess, having read the previous post. I'm not ready to process it all yet. But here's the funniest part of last night's conversation with Narc:

Hyde: "I can't sleep with you Narc. It's too complicated."

Narc: "Does it have to be so complicated?"

Hyde: "Well... yes! I mean, you know I have feelings for you. You know I'm in love with you..."

Narc: "Oh, Hyde... I'm in love with you too! You know that!"

Hyde: "What?!?! You are not in love with me! Don't say that."

Narc: "Yes! Yes, I am. I'm in love with you. I always have been. I've always loved you and I still do. Damn it, I love you, Hyde! What ever would give you reason to believe otherwise?"

How the fuck do you even BEGIN to answer that question?

But, seriously... as much as I'm laughing at him now, he did win out. He did get me to come down there. So I guess I really don't have the last laugh...

Whatever... I need more time to think.

-h-

Oops... I did it again...

Oops... I just got my brains fucked out by Narc.

I am confused about what I'm doing. It's like they say in AA-- "a head full of AA and a belly full of booze is a bad combination." Well, I can now safely say that "a head full of AA and a ---- full of Narc is also a bad combination."

I knew it was the wrong thing to do as I was going there. But I did it anyway. That scares me. They say that self esteem is built by doing esteemable acts... well, I can see how that works! I kind of feel like shit about myself, but I kind of love that he called.

He said he loves me so many times. He wants to own me. Why do I like to let him? He and I have a dangerous chemistry. I hate it.

I have a lot of thinking to do, but my first order of business is a shower.

The rest of the story is forthcoming.

-h-

Hitting a Brick Wall

So, things have been rough between me and Brick. I think that I need to make everything less intense-- less time and less worry. It's been consuming way too much of my emotional energy, and frankly making me feel both frustrated and sad. I've already had enough sadness and frustration from Narc to last a lifetime.

What's been going on? Well, this latest round began last Friday (September 8th). Brick had stayed over my place the night before (the last night of Liu and the Cowboy's visit) and that morning we woke up to go to relapse prevention class together. Neither of us had remembered to do our assignment, which I panicked about that morning and did on the way to class. As Brick had missed class the previous week, I had his hand-out.

"I'll just tell him that you didn't give it to me," he said.

"What? Brick! No! Don't say that!"

We laughed about it. However, once in class, even though no one had their assignment, Brick volunteered that it was my fault that his work wasn't done. I was really upset. We ended up fighting in front of the whole group. It's not that the issue at hand was particularly important. But I came to realize that Brick doesn't "have my back" and that I don't entirely feel "safe" in our relationship. Half the time, I think I know what I can expect, and I think I know that he will be there for me, but I seem to be constantly let down.

The bottom line-- I ended up in tears. He thought I was being overly dramatic. He left group first and I thought he had left all together but it turns out that he was waiting for me upstairs. I looked at him; he looked at me; then we hugged and made up.

Later that afternoon, we ate enormous burgers at Jackson Hole. They left us feeling disgusting. I was depressed, partially from the food and partially from feeling all "cried out" from the morning's events. Brick came over to my place to use my computer. He wanted to apply for some jobs online.

One of the websites required a basic math/verbal online test. Brick asked me to take it for him. I refused. Then he asked for my help with it. I wasn't in the mood. The exam warned that it would take at least an hour. He pleaded for my help, so I made him a deal-- I would help him if he would agree to go to an AA meeting for four consecutive days (Brick hasn't been going to meetings, and it's kind of difficult for me to accept). He agreed. I had him sign a contract, as I know he's prone to squirm out of such things.

Later that night, we watched Shop Girl. The movie made me very sad and it made me think a lot about Narc. Half the time, I can't fathom what I've been thinking for the past two years-- I look at my insane behavior with him and marvel! But the other half of the time, I still feel achingly in love with him. I'm hoping that some of that will start to feel better with more time sober. Anyway, that night, my heart felt broken.

"Brick!" I whined. "I think I might die of sadness!"

"My counselor told me that if you say that, I should tell you I'm going to call 911," he replied, barely looking up from the computer, where he was chatting with boys online.

I was really annoyed. I clearly wasn't suicidal, nor had I made any kind of suicidal threat. I was merely being dramatic and he just didn't feel like having the conversation, so he blew me off. What's the point of a friend I don't feel supported by?

I went into my bedroom to watch TV with Lucy. At around 2:00 am, Brick came in and asked if I were mad at him.

"No. Just depressed," I said.

"Maybe you're depressed because you want to be," he suggested. "Sad about Narc because you think you should be."

"I never said I was sad about Narc," I told him. "And besides... don't keep invalidating my feelings!"

After that, everything was okay (sort of) and we watched Hide and Seek on TV (with Robert De Niro). Brick fell asleep before the movie ended. I couldn't sleep. I really wanted to write Narc a text. I keep dreaming of writing him the same thing: I really DID love you, I wanted to write. I'm sorry I couldn't be more than I am.

The next morning, I slept in. Brick woke me up in the early afternoon with some pizza to celebrate my four months. We planned to take it easy that day and make it another movie night. By evening, though, Brick was restless and made a date.

"I'm going to take off," he said.

"Okay. What time will you be back?"

"I don't think I'm coming back."

"But didn't we have plans?"

I was upset. At that point, it was nearly 8:00 pm and too late for me to figure out an alternate plan for the evening. It's hard for me to be alone on Saturday nights. I feel like this is a pattern with Brick-- last minute ditching. There was nothing I could do about it though, and he left.

After he left, I started to cry. I cried and cried and cried even harder. I'm not sure why I was crying so much. But then, at some point, I stopped crying. Nothing horrible happened to me. The tears just stopped. So, I got in bed and watched TV.

That night, I sent him a text:

I'm upset. Something has to change here. I can't handle this friendship as it is. Maybe we should both take some space and clear our heads. I don't feel emotionally safe in this as it is...

I didn't hear from him that night, but the next morning, I awoke to a text from Brick asking whether or not I "hate him."

I never hated you & doubt I ever will, I wrote. I just don't like feeling the way I felt before. Can't do it.

He called me, but I told him that I wasn't up for a conversation just yet. Instead, we agreed to meet at an AA meeting that night and work things out then.

That day (Sunday) I went out to Long Island for my great uncle's unveiling. I had said I'd call Brick when I was headed back to the city. I sent him a text at 4:30 telling him I'd be back at 5:30. He didn't answer. When I got to Penn Station, I called him. He told me that he was on another date and was near my house with Lucy.

"I'm not going home first before the meeting, though, Brick," I explained.

"I thought you were! That's why I came over here!"

"Yeah, but I never said that. Why didn't you call me to make a plan?"

Now we were both annoyed at each other. He told me he wouldn't come with me to the meeting.

"Fine," I said. "But please get the enormous dog crate and dog bowls and all of your stuff out of my house, okay? It's a little out of control."

I went to the meeting alone and it was fine.

Later that night, Brick called me. I didn't pick up, but sent him a text.

I want to call you but I have no energy to debate or fight or defend myself. I forgive you for what upset me (ie: his ditching me on Saturday and Sunday). But at the same time, maybe we're too different. Maybe I'm sensitive. But I don't want to keep hurting. I can't love you like I do & not expect things... That's why I said we should put some space...

Brick wrote back saying that he agreed. That "space" was a good idea.

Later that night, as I lay in bed, the phone rang. It was Brick and it was after 1:00 am. I picked up and we started to talk things through.

"I feel like you're making demands of me like a lover," he said.

"What do you mean by that?" I asked.

"Well, I'm always there for a lover. And I feel like you want to know where I am and have me call you back right away and stuff."

"I only want to know where you are when we have plans and you don't show. And I only want you to call me back when we have plans or if I have a question or if you say you're going to call! I just expect that of close friends. If you don't want to be reliable, we can't be close."

"But I sometimes don't even call my sisters back for a week," he said.

"I'm not your sister," I said. "And I need to be able to lean on my friends.

Ultimately, he apologized for being so flaky and said that he's "working on it" in therapy. He said that he wanted to stay close friends and that he would try to do better about "respecting me" in the relationship.

The next morning, I wrote to him telling him that I was "glad we had talked." I didn't see Brick again until Wednesday. He was supposed to come watch me teach a class that morning, but he flaked out. He did go to an AA meeting that day, just before group-- the first of four to keep his deal with me. After group that night, I walked him back to his place.

I was thinking about what he had said about the fact that he's "always there for a lover" but that he can't help but flake out on his friends. I was curious, as Narc was also incredibly "not there" for me.

"If you can be reliable, like you are for a lover, why aren't you reliable for your friends?" I asked. "It's disrespectful. I just don't get why you choose to disrespect your friends."

Brick got really mad at that.

"You don't know what my motives are," he said.

"I don't need to know your motives," I told him. "I've just been feeling really disrespected. Your actions are disrespectful."

This whole thing elevated into a huge fight revolving around semantic stupidities. By the end of it, I felt like Brick was on the attack and I started to cry. What is this really all about? That I am trying to be a good friend to him and I want to be able to lean on him, but I can't. He doesn't want to be leaned on. Why do I keep doing the same thing over and over? This is Narc again! Narc, who didn't want to be loved with any sort of obligation, but wanted me to be there when he wanted me. Brick is simply a "friendship" version of Narc!

I didn't run away crying, though. I stayed and talked it through and we seemed to make up enough for the moment. We went out late that night-- until after 4:00 am, hitting several piano bars. Brick stayed over my place that night with Lucy.

The next morning, Brick and I went to a meeting together-- the second of his promised four. After that, I had to go to teach. Brick went back to my apartment to hang out and walk Lucy.

When I got home that afternoon, there was spilled dog food and a urine soaked towel on my bedroom floor. Needless to say, I was upset, frustrated and once again feeling disrespected. I sent Brick a text:

There are dog food pellets on my bedroom floor along with the urine soaked towel and shirt. I can't have Lucy over anymore if you don't want to clean up after her.

This is on top of the fact that I asked him a million times to empty the ashtrays when he smokes in my house and he never does. When I spoke to Brick, he told me that he's sorry that he was being selfish. He noticed all that before leaving my house, but felt too lazy to clean it up. "I'm working on that in therapy," he said.

I was still mad as hell. I picked up the dog food and towels and went to sleep.

The next day (Friday), I saw Brick at relapse prevention. He had agreed to come with me to a 3:15 pm meeting. I was meeting B for lunch first, though. Midway through the meal, I got a call from Brick canceling on me... yet again!

Don't forget our deal on meetings... I wrote to him.

Well, he did. He didn't go to a meeting that day, blatantly disregarding his agreement with me... another entirely disrespectful act, in my opinion.

That's the night that I hung out with my sister.

The next night, Saturday, I went out for dinner with NDN. We had a great time and came and hung out in my apartment afterwards, downloading depressing music and chatting about life.

Brick had invited me out with a friend of his. He texted me at 10:45:

Going to Urge to see gogo boys... u r welcome to join.

As I was still with NDN, I told him I'd call him in a little while. (Needless to say, he didn't go to a meeting that day either).

At around midnight, when NDN has departed to meet up with ScrappyGirl, I texted Brick, asking him "what's up."

I didn't hear back from him for two and a half hours. Finally, he responded:

Hey... no service in the place...

I didn't believe him. But, whether or not he was telling the truth, the fact that I trust him that little at this point is pathetic. I can't sustain a friendship on that.

Yesterday, he sent me a text in the afternoon:

R u mad at me?

I called him back and left him a message telling him that I "wasn't mad" but that "I had a lot to think through with all of this." I mean, seriously... I can't go through this. I don't have another emotional roller coaster in me. And it's certainly not worth my sobriety!

Brick had said he would come with me to my meeting last night, but once again backed out. I wasn't surprised. He rescheduled for the meeting I'm going to tonight.

But today, when I got out of teaching, lo and behold, a text from Brick!

I overbooked myself and also committed to going to a beginners meeting, he wrote.

I called him up. I told him that I can't do this. I told him that what he's offering is not enough. I just can't trust him.

"Maybe what I need is space," he said.

"Yeah, but Brick! I said that last week when I told you I needed space, and you said you didn't want that."

I told him that this hurts. That it hurts a lot. That I'm confused and feeling rejected and disrespected.

"I have trouble being close to people," he said. "But I really do care about you."

"I don't know what 'care about you' means to you!" I said. "Because you're not acting like you care about my feelings at all!"

"Maybe I need to be a 'category B' friend," he said.

"You don't get to decide that," I told him. "I'm hurting right now. And I don't know if I can even be your friend at all."

I told him that I want Lucy's enormous crate out of my house tonight. I'm putting the rest of his stuff in it. Unless something majorly changes, I'm done with Brick. I'm sick of feeling like shit. I'm hard enough on myself, I certainly don't need anyone else mistreating me... especially as it is so close to the whole Narc thing.

Anyway, there's more to tell... last night I had a great dinner and chat with Hammer. And Narc and I exchanged some texts...

But that's it for now.

I'm really so very sad. Disappointed. But growing wiser, I think.

Goodbye, Brick...

Drink Cocaine?

So, Hammer pointed out to me that there is a new energy drink that made an appearance in The New York Post today. The drink is called "Cocaine" and is attempting to become "the new Red Bull."

The makers of Cocaine have a website up in which they urge their customers to find "dealers," and they're running a model search for "the face of Cocaine." ("Tell us why you think you should represent Cocaine!")

Then, in their "charity" section they have links to anti-drug organizations.

I think I'm going to puke.

Anyone who runs around calling the local deli a "dealer" and refers to drinking an energy drink as "doing cocaine" as part of this fucked up marketing idea is pathetic.

I can't believe that this product has made it to the shelf.

I'm just stunned.

That's it...

-h-

RDN's Penis

RDN (NDN's Hyde-replacement friend for the summer) claims to have a penis that is 26 centimeters long (10.8 inches). Pictured above is RDN indicating the supposed length of his penis.

What do you guys think? Is this guy for real?

love,

A very stuffed Hyde and NDN

(PS: NDN think I should clarify on the word "stuffed" as it is following a penis-post. We just ate two baskets of garlic bread, fried calimari, pasta and then each had an enormous slice of German chocolate cake and coffee. Yum. But now we are feeling portly.)

BigSis

I just got back in from an evening with BigSis. She is a shoe-queen and I'm an incompetent, apathetic and easily overwhelmed shopper, so she volunteered to go shoe shopping with me.

We had a great time despite having to make our way around midtown in the rain. Afterwards, we went for dinner. We talked and talked and for the first time in a long time really started to communicate with each other.

I feel like there's a strong possibility that we may even become best friends again... that I can trust her... share myself with her. The thought of that makes me so happy, but I still feel cautious. In any event, I'm lucky to have her in my life. She really is an amazing person.

There's a lot more I want to write about... a lot to update, but that's it for now. I'm tired and it's rainy and I want to go curl up in my bed.

-h-

Stella Maris

Catch up! Catch up! Catch up! I have A LOT of catching up to do here, starting with last Wednesday.

After teaching in the morning, I went to an AA meeting. I still don't have a regular Wednesday meeting, and I wanted to find a "Big Book" study, so I located one near where I teach and decided to check it out. It was in the church offices of a Catholic Church. The woman at the door waved me through, but when I got to the meeting, there was no one there. I sat there until ten minutes after the meeting should have began. Then a man came in.

"Oh good!" I exclaimed. "I'm glad you're here. I was starting to think I was in the wrong place!"

"Maybe you are?" he smiled. "I've never been to this meeting before. But even if it's just the two of us, it's enough for a meeting, right?"

"Uh... Yeah... Sure."

I was uncomfortable, but tried not to show it.

"So... What's your story?" he asked, pulling up a chair next to me.

I started to talk, but I can't say that I really wanted to.

About ten minutes later, two more guests arrived-- a toothless woman in a wheelchair and her husband. They were an incredibly odd pair, but I'd rather not say more than that, as I don't want to judge them or be disrespectful.

This strange "meeting" lasted about 40 minutes when the conversation began to run dry and the couple had to leave.

"I better get going too," I said, collecting my things.

I had had enough of that.

After that, I went into St. Paul's to pray. I love that church, sang a concert there once and have had quite a few spiritual "moments" there. (Incidentally-- it's the same church I went into right after I heard about my stepbrother's accident.) I prayed for a long time. I started to feel empty, but in a good way. I felt open. My head was spinning. It was a strange feeling-- almost a sexual feeling, but not quite... More like one of openness coupled with anticipation of some kind of "connection." I don't know how to describe it in any other way.

I have been learning SO MUCH from AA and one of the things that has surprised me most is how beneficial I find it to pray. I also think about praying so differently. I used to pray (when I was a little kid) for things that I wanted. Now, I have been trying to pray to align my will with God's, and it is amazing. All of this recovery is so fucking hard, but I'm just starting to have a taste of the kind of spiritual openness that might be possible if I keep working, and it's incredible.

Anyway, after that, I moved over to a statue of Mary and knelt down there to pray. I'm not a Catholic, but I do love the Saints, and Mary in particular has always been a powerful symbol of "motherhood" for me. I thought about what I've been talking about with my therapist in terms of taking better care of myself and thinking more about what "little Hyde" wants and what's good for "little Hyde." Suddenly, there in the church, I was overwhelmed with a powerful feeling of love. It was the spirit of motherhood itself, and I think I finally understood something. I don't care to try to explain it more than that. I can only say that I had a very meaningful spiritual moment and it left me feeling physically different.

Afterwards, I wandered into the church book store and picked up a random book, leafing through.

Mary, it read, also means "Lady" or "Star of the Sea."

I was stunned. I had never heard that "Star of the Sea" title (at least not consciously), but I have said for years that my apartment is named "the Star of the Sea." It comes from my mermaid obsession.

Later on in the week, I did some research, tracing the historical evolution of that name. I also found that the Greco-Roman cult of Isis referred to the goddess as "Stella Maris." Interesting, as Isis is also the goddess of motherhood. I feel like I was visited upon by some kind of divine goddess energy having to do with two things that I have always been drawn to-- mermaids/the sea and motherhood. And all of it was telling me that I already have the spiritual tools I need to take care of myself and carve out a life for myself that will somehow work. All I need to do is use them!

These things have been with me all week. I feel very close to that mothering archetype right now... that I need to do her work for her and do what's right for myself. I also feel like the enormous spiritual craving, that existential emptiness and hungering to be submerged in someone or something-- that hunger to be sublimated, to be annihilated, to worship-- may actually have a productive purpose if managed correctly.

I don't know if I can explain it any better than that for the moment...

Anyway, Liu was still here last week and I met up with her and the Cowboy after my church experience for some music store browsing. Liu and I are looking for some good classical duets. All the while, I was carrying around the 109 pages of Narc's completed script. (I still haven't started to read it. I'm not sure that I want to.)

That night, I went to group and then got a quick bite at Subway with Brick. After that we picked up Lucy and met Liu and the Cowboy back at my place. Liu and I sang through the Verdi Requiem duet, but Brick was tired and had to wake up early the next day for a temp job, so Liu, the Cowboy and I decided to go chat on my roof. But first, we headed down to the street to get some coffee.

On the corner, I spotted a familiar face. It was BulgarianGuy! As Liu knows Anxious from college, I was excited at the prospect of introducing her to Anxious' boyfriend.

It was a somewhat awkward introduction, as there wasn't much to say after the initial "hello's." To make matters worse, BulgarianGuy was on the phone with Anxious at the time and so we had to tell her about Liu's visit. Liu and Anxious were not particularly good friends, but Liu used to be close to Anxious' ex-boyfriend, Buke, and Liu didn't want Buke to know she was in town but with no plans to call him. Complicated, right?

Liu, the Cowboy and I talked late into the night, until we were all sleepy. I headed to bed next to a snoring Brick (whose alarm went off at 4:30 am!).

The next morning (Thursday), I woke up to a tearful message from Anxious. BulgarianGuy had never come home the night before and didn't show up for work. I called her back and reassured her that he was probably just passed out somewhere with a major hangover. I gave her IrishBird's phone number, as IrishBird was on duty at Cheers the previous night. It's strange though. It was weird for me to see that kind of drunk behavior from sobriety's side!

For the rest of the afternoon, I walked Lucy a few times, went to teach and finished up my Second Step work. I later hear from Anxious that BulgarianGuy had been found. IrishBird said he left the previous night with a female waitress. BulgarianGuy said he woke up at his friend's place. Anyway... that night I went to my home group meeting and then met with my sponsor to go over my step work and get set for the Third Step.

We had incredibly slow service at the diner, and I was anxious to get home, as I had arranged a get together with Hammer, NDN, Brick, Liu and the Cowboy so that everyone could meet each other. We planned to meet at Cheers.

When I got back to my place, I had a text from Liu saying that she and the Cowboy were already there. Brick, however, was nowhere to be found. I saw that Lucy was gone and that his cell phone was in my kitchen, so I figured that he had gone out to walk her. A few minutes later, Hammer arrived at my place and we caught up. We then met NDN in the lobby and were on our way.

It was a fun night at Cheers, but I didn't have quite enough energy. Hammer and NDN both left early, as they were tired as well. Brick eventually appeared with a dramatic story about having met a guy on the street while walking the dog. BarMan was being very chatty. The Cowboy did a fabulous impression of Jack Bauer shouting "who do you work for????" Later showed off some "horse-riding" dances and graced me with an Elvis impression as well. (Oh a bit of business-- I promised NDN that I wouldn't forget this-- as he left, he kissed me on the lips. Also, I have to clarify the name I gave to his friend, ScrappyGirl. NDN calls her "scrappy" but what he means by it is "feisty.")

We got back to my place at around 1:00 am. Liu, the Cowboy and I chatted and looked at pictures. Brick went to bed before us, after his 12 hour work day. Finally, it was time for me to say goodbye to my friends. I hate goodbyes. I always feel like Liu never left when she's here, and I wish that she still lived in NY. She is one of my best friends in the world.

I was really sad when they left. I couldn't sleep at all that night, and instead, just tossed and turned with Lucy and Brick beside me.

Anyway, that's all I can manage for the moment. I'll be back with more catch up soon!

Love,

h

PS: I'm late to meet Bezoukhoff for lunch. No time for a good spell-check or edit!

Summer No More!

Huzzah! The heat is leaving us! Both yesterday and today have been crisp, breezy, fall days-- not quite as chilly as I like them, but wonderful nonetheless. The sky is bright blue and my makeup, for once, is not melting off my face. Now that we're past Labor Day, I can wear black lace and Victorian necklines once again. I can bust out my mid-calf tattering Doc Martins. And perhaps, one day soon, it will be time for my coveted blue hooded sweatshirt!

Yesterday was a long day. I saw the Illusionist with B, which was an odd movie. I texted Narc for no reason and he wrote back to me at 2:00 in the afternoon that he had just woken up. I replied to him, but it ended there.

Brick told me that he and OlderMan are done for and he came over to my place last night for a friendly shoulder.

I heard some other sad news yesterday-- that Senegal, my friend from outpatient, relapsed last week. I'm thinking of doing a count on how many people have relapsed so far. It's fucking unbelievable. Anyway, I suppose I should focus on the fact that I haven't...

I had a crazy sexual dream about submitting to God. I'm debating whether or not to post it here.

Anyway, I'm off to teach now... something about Classical Greece. So I'll have to update you more later.

love,
h

Five Years

I hate September 11th. The sky is piercing blue and clear today... just like it was five years ago. When I woke up, I saw the moon hanging over the Chrysler building, the sun shining strong.

Usually B and I go to a memorial service at St. Bartholomew's, but I can't today because I'm teaching until 1:00. I'm still going to meet him for lunch, though. B was downtown when it happened. I was so scared until I heard from him. I hate remembering that feeling. It comes back so strong.

I woke up this morning with knots in my stomach. I had that bad dream again last night... the one I wrote about last 9/11. This time, though, I was trying to call Brick and couldn't get a connection.

Brick and I fought some more last night. I was really depressed. But then we ended up talking on the phone late into the night and came to an understanding, if not a solution. The bottom line-- no matter how similar we are, in relationships we are very different. I just need to feel safe.

Narc lives a few blocks from "ground zero." I wonder if it's hard to get around his neighborhood this morning. (Ugh. I feel so fucking stupid. I wish I could stop thinking about him).

It's strange to see Giuliani, Kerik and everyone else on TV today. It's as if no time has passed. Life was so different when I was in college. The Clinton Years... New York's Giuliani era.

I don't know what I'm trying to say here. In any case, there's no time to say it. I have to finish getting dressed and get out of my house in the next five minutes or I'll be late for teaching.

Perhaps I'll write more later.

I hate all this loss though. I don't know how to manage my feelings.

-h-

Trust

I'm realizing more and more what an incredibly difficult time I have trusting people... really trusting them. Brick and I hung out all afternoon today. We were going to hang out this evening as well, but he made a date while at my place and then told me he was leaving. I was very upset. I was sure that I shouldn't count on anyone or anything. I shouldn't lean on anyone except for myself.

Alone.

I'm not sure if my spiraling feelings were appropriate or not, but there I was-- completely ditched on a Saturday night, when it was already too late to try to plan anything else.

I felt lonely. I felt abandoned. I felt hurt. I felt anything but safe.

He left.
I cried.

Then I pulled myself together.

Now I'm trying to decide what to do. I know what I want to do... I want to go "o-o-o-out!" and escape the misery of myself. But, I don't know...

What I do know? That I'm so fucking tired of this. All of that "I want to live" crap from a few days ago? I have no clue where it went. Because to tell you the truth, right now I couldn't care less if I lived or died. And with that being the case, what's to stop me from drinking tonight? What's to stop me except blind faith that if I can hold off, I'll feel better in the morning? How far can a girl get on something she doesn't believe?

Last night while I was tossing and turning, I kept wanting to text Narc.

I really did love you, I wanted to write. I'm sorry I couldn't be more than I am.

I didn't write any texts.

Now I feel sick.

-h-

Odds and Ends

Hmmm... Once again, I have been remiss in my blogging and have nearly a whole week's worth of events to catch up on! Right now, Brick is asleep on my couch. Today is my four-month sobriety anniversary and he arrived here this afternoon with pizza and chocolate chip cookies. I couldn't sleep all night last night, though, and feel like my body clock is a little thrown off. Anyway, here's at least the first part of the week. The rest is soon to come...

Last Sunday I attended my first Sunday night meeting held by my home group. The meeting had a rather strange format of random people being called up to give their ideas on a given topic. I bumped into that rather strange woman, Cassie at the door. She was a "greeter." Earlier in the week, I had called a new member of my home group-- a girl named Vega-- and we had agreed to meet at that Sunday night meeting, so I ended up sitting with her. I introduced myself to a few new people that night as well and exchanged phone numbers. It was a very social meeting. I have to say-- It seemed as if everyone already knew each other and as if everyone were entirely comfortable. I was not. In fact, I felt really awkward and somehow now "as good" as everyone else. I wished there were some cocktails to ease it all. How ridiculous is that? Wanting cocktails to facilitate socialization at an AA meeting!

Anyway, after the meeting, Cassie approached me. We waited on line together to thank the speaker. As we headed out, she seemed distressed.

"What's wrong with me?" she moaned. Then she proceeded to tell me that she "needed a man." She wanted to walk me home.

As we walked, she began to tell me a story about a man currently in her life. This man, she explained, was once married to her daughter and then to her sister. Now he's married to someone "outside the family."

"What?!?! How old is your daughter?" I asked.

"Oh, well, she's 45. But she's not my biological daughter. She's a spiritual daughter from a former life."

Um, okay...

When we reached my street corner, she told me that she has a "mothering spirit" and that she always finds her daughters in this world. I have to say-- I felt really uncomfortable. Underneath this all was the overwhelming vibe that she was hitting on me. She said we should call each other every day. The hug she gave me was too tight and too long. I was glad to part ways.

That night, I came home and sat down to blog. It's then that I got that text from Narc that interrupted my writing. Here's the whole conversation:


Narc: Just dropped off the first EVER finished final draft of "Oceans of Light"!! Going to celebrate with a drink on my own at the Patriot. Dear, dear me...

Hyde: I'm proud of you! Very. It must feel so good!!! Would love to read it sometime. :)

Narc: Will have to give you a copy. Can't believe it's done... Now I just have to make the thing...!

Hyde: Yes, but your life as a hermit is over. And great things are coming. Congrats. How's the good ol' Patriot anyway?

Narc: Dear God no one should ever come here sober. Dante would kill himself just to get to hell and away from here!

Hyde: Well, drink up then, I suppose! At least I loved the jukebox. I know it gets stale, but I miss those days.

Narc: Having my token SINGLE Jack and Coke, then I'm outta here...

Hyde: K. Well, have a good night. You've earned it! I've been a total insomniac. School is great. Very busy & very tired. But life is good. And I'm happy for you! :)

Narc: Can send you a digital copy of the script if you promise to print it out (at school?) before reading it!

Hyde: Yes, I promise, I promise! Will be at school on Tues afternoon. Just send it in a program I can open...

Afterwards, I felt awful. I did the wrong thing by myself. Why was I so sickeningly sweet? Why do I still want to hold on to him? Why am I willing to maintain a connection at any cost to myself? I felt like a piece of trash. That night, I went to bed and couldn't sleep much. I thought of Hammer. She was at the wedding of "Zilla" to her brother in Atlanta. (She has since sent me pictures, but we've yet to gossip about the whole thing!)

The next morning I woke up and cleaned my house. While I was cleaning, Brick called and said he was back in the city. I missed him so much! I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. It was sparkling by the time Liu and the Cowboy rang my bell at 2:00 pm. Like I said-- I hadn't seen Liu since December, 2004, and it was wonderful to see her again! Somehow, whenever I'm with her, it feels like no time has passed at all. And I was thrilled to finally meet the Cowboy! He is such a nice guy and a complete gentleman. Liu has found herself a winner. I'm so glad for her but I wish they lived closer!

The three of us headed to a diner for lunch where Liu at her long awaited eggs benedict. After that, we walked over to the Empire State building, passing the comic book store on the way. All I have to say about the Empire State building is "LINES." That was the afternoon-- lines, lines and more lines! The view was incredible, but it made for a long afternoon.

From there we walked down to Madison Square Park. We all had to pee and my rehab center is nearby, so we went there. Then we met up with Brick in the park. He brought Lucy and we all took her to the dog run. After introductions and a few cigarettes, we were all exhausted. So Liu, the Cowboy and I headed back to my place for Chinese food. The plan was to meet up with Brick later in the West Village, to make the rounds at some piano bars.

Once back at my place, NDN stopped by and met Liu and the Cowboy. He hung out with us for a little while and caught me up on his weekend in East Hampton while Liu and the Cowboy were checking out the roof. Then NDN went home. Liu and I played some piano and sang some duets. Brick called and said he wanted to cancel our plans, but later he changed his mind. On second thought, he "needed his Dorothy!" and asked if he could stay over with me that night. Of course, I was thrilled. I love being needed and I missed Brick, myself!

Our first stop was Rose's Turn (where I did my cabaret in May). The waitstaff there all sings and they were all amazing. Some guy in the audience got up and sang a crazy rendition of Georgia On My Mind. I sang a bunch of songs-- some Patsy Cline and some Broadway. We downed an ocean of diet coke. While we were there, I slyly sent Narc a text. It must have been nearly 1:00 am.

Will be at school tomorrow. Send your script! I wrote.

The Cowboy noticed.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Wow! You're observant," I said.

Like I said-- he's very sweet! I already have a fond place in my heart for him.

Then we headed to Marie's. As soon as we walked in, I saw that it was the obnoxious pianist who had harassed Narc back in May. He was hitting on Brick and the Cowboy big time. I can't stand that guy. It's hard to characterize him with anything but the word "obnoxious." Eventually, his sexual harassment Denial for us and then he played If I Loved You for me and People Will Say We're in Love for Liu.

Finally, with all of us exhausted and the boys sick of being objectified, we headed out. Brick and I dropped Liu and the Cowboy off in a cab and continued back to my place. Once there, he applied for a few jobs online (with my help filling out the forms) and then we smoked and "talked shop." We're both still struggling, but I think that we're both going to make it. I'm a little worried about him though and I really hope he can get the kind of momentum I've been feeling lately. I want him to come to more meetings with me.

Anyway, Brick and I got into bed around 3:00 am and watched Law & Order: Criminal Intent. We were asleep by 4:00.

At 5:00 or 6:00 am, Brick woke me up because he heard Mr. Rochester and was afraid. I had to climb out of bed and put Rochester in the living room.

On Tuesday morning, Brick left bright and early to go home and walk Lucy. I took it easy before heading out for my day-- a doctor's appointment, teaching, a home-group meeting and then therapy. It was a long day.

On Wednesday, I got up to teach early in the morning. That afternoon was interesting-- it involved an off the cuff AA meeting followed by a spiritual experience. But you'll have to wait for me to finish with the "catch up." Something's in the air, and I just can't seem to shake this afternoon's exhaustion. So, I think I'll go rest.

Hope you're all enjoying the weekend!

love,
h

The Nuthouse

I started to write this post on Sunday night... Then I was interrupted by that text from Narc and got all thrown off. So, I'll post this here now in it's original form and then continue on with my story...

9/3:

I can't believe it's September! I'm meeting the month with a mix of fear and relief. It's been a pretty good weekend for me so far. Brick, Hammer and NDN are all out of town, so you'd expect me to be lonely, but I'm not. Anyway, let me back-track just a bit...

On Wednesday night I met up with Dan. He was heading to Albany the next day, so we made plans to meet after my group for one last hang-out. I really hadn't seen him that much at all this summer. We met at Cheers and had a bite to eat (and I befriended the new waitress) but it was kind of noisy there, so we cut out and went on a walk. We walked up through Tudor City and then around to First Avenue and over to Dag Hammarskjold Plaza. There, we sat and talked until after midnight when I made a pit stop for ice cream and headed to bed. We had some nice long talks... therapeutic friend talks are always the best!

On Thursday I taught another class and then that night, after I got back from meeting with my sponsor, I felt different. My first step was done... really done. I was different. But I wasn't so different that I was able to sleep. When I got into bed I was sad. It was a strange sadness. Strange because it didn't feel connected to anything... to any drama, that is. I missed my dad. That was it... plain and simple. I missed my dad and it made me sad. I started to cry. But I was okay. I somehow knew that I was okay-- a very rare thing for me-- and I managed to stay put and try to get some sleep. The sad feelings about my dad passed, but even so-- I tossed and turned for hours that night! I wanted to call someone, but didn't know who to call or what to say. I felt like I was dissolving a little bit. I felt all alone. I felt like I needed... I needed. But I tried to calm myself, to focus myself, to soothe myself. I thought about Narc. I wondered what he was doing, where he was... I wondered if he were awake.

You could text him, I thought. Just text him and tell him you're feeling like an insomniac... Somehow I managed to hold on and not text him. I sent a text to Brick instead.

The next morning I was proud of myself. Hmm... is that how one builds self-esteem?

Yes, on Friday morning I awoke feeling good. I hadn't slept at all on Thursday night, but it didn't matter. I still felt good. I met up with B for lunch afterwards and I told him something that I still know to be true-- for the first time in as long as I can remember, I don't want to die. I'm not saying that I've always been actively suicidal, but at times I have been, and most of the time, I couldn't care less if I lived or died. Part of me was always craving death, end, escape, annihilation, sublimation... I wanted to die by passing into "other," by merging with another, by giving away my existence, my life, my purpose. That stuff is like breathing for me. But I felt different on Friday-- grounded, somehow and simply wanting to live. No wonder I need to get my shit together... I want to live! What a thought...

Anyway, after lunch, we walked back to my place and I sang for him for a while. Then we watched some of the US Open and talked. That night I had plans to meet up with NDN and a new friend of his-- ScrappyGirl. NDN met this girl at a wine tasting party (that he attended with his ex-girlfriend) and has since had a major crush on her. ScrappyGirl has a boyfriend, but flirts with NDN and basically told him that she's into him. I met them at NDN's new apartment. NDN was all decked out in a wig and some of his grandfather's old clothes. I really liked ScrappyGirl. She's gorgeous and down to earth and smart and "scrappy," as NDN put it.

The three of us headed to Little Korea for dinner. NDN had tried to pre-arrange an "awkward moment" by having ScrappyGirl proposition me for a threesome, but I saw through his ruse right away. Dinner was great though, and I found out that ScrappyGirl and I have a lot in common.

After dinner, I had plans to go to an AA meeting, but I had some time to kill, so NDN and ScrappyGirl walked me over to the West Side and we stopped in a diner for ice cream and pie. I "casually" grilled ScrappyGirl about her current relationship to get some info for NDN. NDN was freaking out that a friend of his was being rude about not consolidating their plans to go to East Hampton the next day. In any case, I had to leave early from the diner in order to make my meeting.

It was a good meeting, and I saw a familiar face there-- a woman I don't really know, but who I've seen at a couple of different meetings around the city. She introduced herself to me-- Cassie. I told her that I remembered her from a meeting in early June-- it had been her birthday and everyone sang. She was excited that I remembered her and we exchanged numbers. She was nice, but I got an odd vibe from her. At the end of the meeting, when we held hands, she squeezed my hand extra hard.

Anyway, when I got home that night, I hung out with NDN...

Okay, let me interject here... That's as far as I got on Sunday. I'll continue the rest of the post now...

9/5:

So... Where was I? Ah yes... Hanging out with NDN on Friday night. We watched an episode of "Lucky Louie" and analyzed the ScrappyGirl situation for a while. At around 1:30 am, I headed upstairs to bed.

The next morning, I woke up bright and early to go to an AA meeting before heading out to visit my family on Long Island. I picked a women's meeting from the book after I had such a great experience when it was all women in group on Wednesday. It was a really small meditation meeting and I loved it. I shared a lot and it was pretty relaxing, although I still need a lot of practice at mediation and getting my mind to quiet down.

It was a rainy Saturday and I headed straight from there to Penn Station. Once again, my cab driver fell in love with me, telling me I am a "beautiful lady" and he asked for my number. I don't know what it is with me and cab drivers! It's the weirdest thing...

Anyway, my family had planned an afternoon of cooking and then rainy day movies. BigSis and Bro-in-Law picked me up from the train station. When we got back to the house, my mom, LilSis and JBC were there. My mom and my sisters and I set about preparing an Armenian feast. I decided to try something new and make Kibbeh. They came out delicious and I was very proud of myself. For the first time in a really long time, I had a simple and great day with my family. I felt comfortable with them and happy to be around them. I felt like I was home-- a feeling I haven't had in years and years.

After a while, the boys came up from the basement where they were playing video games and my stepfather returned from wherever he had been and I sang Rigoletto for everyone while we set the table. Dinner was great, except when the conversation turned to health and my mom pointed out that she was now just past the age that her father was when he died from a heart attack (60). My mom's father's brother (my great uncle) died last summer from cancer at age 67 and we have his unveiling this coming weekend. I started to feel sick to my stomach.

"Great. Now I'm anxious!" I said.

"Me too!" said LilSis.

"Me too!!!" said BigSis.

All of us felt terrible and we were all freaking out with "abandonment" fears. It was strange for me to see that LilSis and BigSis think so similarly to me, despite our very different ways of expressing it. LilSis is getting married in a year, so there's a lot of wedding-planning going on. She says that she doesn't want to use the terms "husband and wife" in the wedding. When I asked her to explain, she said that it cements things in a way that scares her.

"If I never get too close, I can't get hurt if I'm left alone," she said.

"I also can't deal with being left alone, but I do the opposite-- I cling on with all my might even when something is dead in the water."

"I don't get how you can do that!" she laughed.

But again, I never realized how much we are the same. She comes across as so much harder and colder than I. And BigSis is less hard, but more neurotic, having to control the details. She is still so freaked out by thinking about 9/11 because she gets scared that Bro-in-Law will leave for work and never come back. We're all nuts, I guess. Yes, I was feeling close to my sisters, but only because we come from the same nuthouse.

Later, after dinner, it was time for the movie. BigSis had brought three movies-- Inside Man, Shop Girl and The Squid & the Whale. She walked around asking which we wanted to watch. The boys immediately chose Inside Man. My mom chose The Squid & the Whale. When she came to me, I said I didn't care which one we watched. LilSis said the same. BigSis started to get annoyed at us.

"Just pick one!" she barked.

"I don't want to," I said. "I really don't mind whatever we watch..."

"Have an opinion!" she cried. "Don't worry about what the stupid boys want. Choose!"

"The boys wanted Inside Man?" my mom asked, coming out of the kitchen, wiping her hands on a towel. "We can watch that one. I don't mind."

"No!" BigSis exclaimed. "You wanted the other one! Why are you changing your mind for them?!?!"

"It's okay... I want Inside Man now. I really do," my mom said.

"This family is fucking crazy," I chimed in. "We're so co-dependent it's ridiculous."

"That's what I'm saying! Make a choice for yourself!" BigSis sighed, flopping into a chair.

JBC was about to put on Inside Man. BigSis looked as if she would cry.

"Wait a minute," I said. "BigSis is really upset. Why don't we let mom choose the movie."

"Are you really upset?" my mom asked her with concern. "If you are, we can watch the other one."

"That's not the point! Don't appease their feelings and don't appease me! Why can't the women of this family make a decision for themselves?"

"This is ridiculous," LilSis said. "Just put on Inside Man. Do it now."

LilSis commands attention when she wants it. No one wants to mess with her. The decision was made. Inside Man went on.

It was a ridiculous scene and we were all rolling with laughter by the time the movie went on, but it was good. It's good to crack things open sometimes and to really look at the way the family is working and the roles that people play. Even though I felt like we're all crazy, I felt close to everyone there and again, I felt home. I really love my family.

The movie was mediocre but entertaining. Afterwards, we ate a vanilla cake that BigSis had baked. Then she and Bro-in-Law left. My mom settled me in to the new guest room downstairs, and I fell asleep to the sounds of Law & Order SVU.

Anyway, I have to go teach a class in ten minutes, so I'll be back later with the rest of Sunday and Monday...

:)

h