Moving On

I started writing this post yesterday, but never got around to finishing it. I was sitting at home for most of the day, feeling like shit in general. Although I hadn't had all that much to drink the night before, I had supplemented it with a tiny bit of "medicine," (which I did on my own) and for some reason it all left me feeling more fucked up than usual. Maybe I wouldn't have felt so bad if I weren't sitting at home with my thoughts about Narc and the mess of figuring out my student loan consolidation, but whatever... Wednesday was a "restorative" day for me in general and I think I'm on the road to healing, so I really can't complain.

On Tuesday night I hung out with NDN and Oc again. NDN was packing up half of his house--getting rid of the infamous tables and cleaning out his kitchen of everything belonging to his ex. Since a certain "anonymous" asked about NDN's ex-girlfriend drama, I'll fill you all in on it briefly.

Basically, his ex-girlfriend left several tables with him when she moved out of the apartment a few months back. The tables had belonged to her grandparents, and she planned on eventually reclaiming them. Unfortunately, festivities up here on the 20th floor had left the tables damaged by charcoal burns (thanks to the hookah!) and NDN had to figure out what to do about it. Last week he went to price the repairs and then called his ex to ask her: "What should we do?"

"What should WE do?" she demanded, "YOU should take care of the whole thing!!!"

Somehow, what could have been an easily worked-out exchange blew up into a major fight. The ex demanded back all of her kitchen supplies and insisted on coming into the apartment herself to pack it up. It got a little bit nasty. NDN said that he would pack it up for her, as he didn't want her in his apartment. He said he would leave everything for her, including a check for the furniture repairs with the super downstairs. She insisted on coming into the apartment herself and threatened to call the police. She said she already had a "warrant," which was total bullshit. They went back and forth on it for a while, and the whole thing turned pretty ugly. In the end, NDN left the stuff for her, and it was fine.

But on Tuesday night, when I stopped in to check on NDN after the day of fighting, he was still in the process of packing it up. I was on my way out to Cheers. Unfortunately, when I got to Cheers they were closing up even though it was only 1:00 am. Schisse! I talked to IrishBird for a few minutes, but PumpedUp was cranky and wanted to close up and go home. He was rushing her out of there, and so in the interest of not causing any conflict between the two of them, I left. I headed across the street to the market, picked up a bottle of wine, and returned to my building to resume hanging out with NDN and Oc.

We had a good time but NDN went to bed early. (After all, he had to go to work the next day, not like me, which I'm starting to feel guilty about). Oc and I stayed up talking. We went up to the roof to smoke, and I chugged down the whole bottle of wine. We sat up there for a while. I think I probably got a little too emotional, but I was getting tipsy, so it's pretty par for the course. We headed back downstairs after a while and I got to bed at around 3:30.

The next morning, I had to get up relatively early because I had therapy. It was a good session, but it made me realize still how fucked up I am about the whole Narc thing, and how even though it's over and it's impossibly hard for me, I still only ended it because he told me "not to talk to him." I need to get a grip and figure out why I'm so addicted to drama and why I like being hurt. Anyway, I had plans to go visit GoldenFinch out on Long Island, so right after the appointment, I raced off to Penn Station. The train ride was about an hour and a half long--just enough time for me to reflect on all of this in a more meaningful way. I have a lot of thoughts on the matter, but I'm almost sick of thinking about it all and so I just don't feel like rehashing it all again here.

GoldenFinch picked me up at the train station at the "end of the line." It's weird that she's married and in the suburbs now. I mean, she's been living out there for five years already, but it still strikes me as strange. She got married two years ago and she and her husband just bought their first house. Even though we're still very much "spiritually" alike, her life looks so different than mine. I still look like I'm still in the same mode as when we were in college!

I had never seen the house, and it was very sweet. She walked me through and showed me their garden, the birdfeeder, etc. (We made sure to steer clear of the dead bird!) GoldenFinch was eating berries off of a tree in her yard. She said that they were mulberries, and offered me some, but I was cautious. I just don't go for eating unmarked fruits found in the wild. She didn't die though, so I guess it was okay. Anyway, she picked some basil from the garden and we went back inside to have lunch. GoldenFinch heated up some burgers and made us a mozzarella, tomato and basil salad. Yum! After lunch she announced some suggestions for afternoon activities. She wanted to pick up her photos from the developer. (She recently returned from a trip to Croatia and Venice.) Then she suggested Italian ices, a nature preserve (which included a very GoldenFinch-esque field of wildflowers) and some singing before dinner. I agreed and we were off.

While GoldenFinch was picking up her pictures at Duane Reade, I was happy to buy two packs of cigarettes free of the city tax! After that, we got our ices. (I was a good girl and got the sugar free.) Then we were off to the preserve. It was such a quintessentially GoldenFinch activity. She led me through the woods into a clearing. I have to say, I felt out of place. The city is in my blood and it just felt weird to be in nature without anyone else around. There were flying grasshoppers and dragon flies and all sorts of birds. We walked into the field of flowers (which unfortunately were not yet in full bloom) and GoldenFinch started pulling up honeysuckle and sucking on it. Again, I didn't want to put anything in my mouth found in the wild. I like my food labeled, packaged and prepared.

We walked across the field and I tried to avoid the insects. She told me that her husband likes to pet sleeping bumble bees. Weird. GoldenFinch is into bird watching and we brought along two sets of binoculars. She pointed out some of the different birds to me as we strolled. (Including her favorite--the Goldfinch!) It was great to get to spend that kind of time with her and to get out of the chaos of the city even if it was just for a few hours. We talked and talked. I miss having her around in the city. We used to be joined at the hip and really helped each other through those years.

Leaving the field, we walked back to the car through the woods. I thought a bug flew into my eye and made her inspect it, but she couldn't find anything. I was freaked out though. Enough nature for me. On the drive back to her house we talked about grad school, different paper topics, and our respective takes on this whole strange process of working towards the PhD.

Once back home, GoldenFinch and I looked at her pictures before her husband came home. Then we hung out in the kitchen and sang rounds while the two of them made dinner. We sang some more at the piano and then sat down to eat. I miss singing duets with her! We both agreed though, we need to learn some new ones. The old stuff is getting stale.

At twilight, I started to feel blue about the whole Narc thing again. (I can only keep it out of my mind for so long...) After dinner, GoldenFinch and settled down on the couch I talked about it for a while. She showed me her wedding album, which had finally come back from the photographer, and I started to feel a little better. She had been away for most of the drama of the past month and said that she read all of June in my blog it one sitting. She said it made her cry. Yeah? Well, me too... At around 9:00 she took me back to the train.

On the train ride home, again, I didn't read or do anything except think. For me, that whole day was kind of a transition for me in terms of my Narc-healing. The pain has gone from being incredibly blunt to a little bit more livable in a long-term kind of way. While I was on my way home, though, I got an upsetting phone call from BigSis. She told me that my stepbrother was having complications from the recent skull replacement surgery. The area was filling with fluid and his white blood cell count was high, so the doctors feared infection. Obviously, a brain infection is a really bad thing, so they wanted to take out the artificial skull piece and put him on antibiotics for 14 days before replacing it. That means that he had to undergo head surgery AGAIN yesterday and then in two weeks, will have to have it AGAIN. That's four times now that they'll have opened up his head. I feel so bad for him!

I was super stressed out about it for the last leg of the trip and had to fight back my tears. I just feel so overwhelmed with everything lately. That night it was raining down on me all at once. Nevertheless, VJ called and asked if I would stop by her place when I got back. Although it was already 11:00 pm I agreed, as she is moving out of the city today. VJ and I met 9 years ago and were roommates in college. We've just been through so much and I can't believe that she's leaving NY. (I told her that I'd blog her a special entry--an "ode to VJ," so I'll have to put that up later.)

I met her at her apartment which was filled with huge cardboard boxes, and general VJ-style chaos. We sat there and talked for a while about our respective "obsessions." She is having a little bit of drama with her new boyfriend and wanted to talk it out. Then we decided to go out for some ice cream. She is throwing out a lot of stuff, so as we sat and ate, I picked through a box of jewelry that she's discarding and pulled a few things to keep. As we parted ways, saying goodbye on the street corner, I was sad.

I got back to my building at about 12:30 am and could see that NDN was still awake by the light on in his window. He had left me a message earlier sounding really depressed about the whole furniture drama with his ex. I decided to ring the bell and see what he and Oc were up to.

When he answered the door, NDN was happily drunk and greeted me with gusto. I dropped my stuff off in my own apartment, changed into pajamas and went back over there to join in. NDN grabbed me and started dancing--twirling and spinning us in circles until we both were dizzy. Finally, he wore himself out and collapsed onto the couch. Oc was calmly working on some kind of email to a girl he met the other day. NDN started to tell me about what had gone down that afternoon between him and his ex, but then he and Oc got into a stupid little quarrel in which I have to say, NDN was being a bit of a "mean drunk." (Well, not really, but at least an aggressive one!) I headed back to my apartment to see what I had to drink. I figured one had to be drunk to make sense of the whole scene.

I only had two mini-bottles of wine and I offered one to Oc. Later I couldn't avoid the hard stuff and brought out the Jack Daniels and then some rum and diet coke. Before long, NDN pulled out a pillow and blanket and fell asleep on the floor. Oc and I stayed up talking again. He wanted to smoke, so when NDN went to bed, we moved into my apartment. We stayed up the entire night and Oc didn't leave until around 6:30 am! I don't know how I managed that, as I had been SO tired earlier in the evening.

I fell asleep around 7:00 am and didn't open my eyes again until 11:00. Reaching for my cell phone (as I'm prone to do in the morning given that Narc likes to leave messages in the middle of the night--force of habit), I found it smashed into pieces. It's really strange because I don't remember it breaking. (I guess I must have some little blackout spots.) I tried to piece it back together and was largely successful, but two of the buttons are missing. I had to bind the whole thing up with some scotch tape to make it stick. The phone is in working condition, but it looks really crappy. I don't care in terms of "style," I just hope that the whole thing holds up!

So yesterday I spent the bulk of the day feeling like shit from substance abuse and trying to figure out how to consolidate my student loans online. I started this post, ordered Chinese takeout and watched some TV. B came over at around 5:00. He has been really sweet to me this week--calling to check on me all the time because he knows how sad I am right now. It helps to feel so loved and taken care of. We hung out for a while and just talked. I'm reading one of those cheesy self-help books to try to help me process all of the Narc stuff, and it's kind of crazy how much of myself I see in the psychological profiles of those fucked up women. (Again, that's something that I'll blog more about later.)

B and I click in a way in which we can talk forever and ever and we're always on the same page. Our conversations always leave me with new insights about myself and about life in general, and it feels good to me when I can offer him good advice, feeling both wise and nurturing. It was nice. Making the evening even nicer-- Bram Stoker's Dracula was on TV, so we watched it for about 20 minutes while I got dressed. I pretty much know the movie by heart, and we have so many inside jokes about it that it made for a lot of laughs.

After that we headed out for sushi. Delicious! We walked to the movie theater about 10 blocks down and saw War of the Worlds. I thought it was beautifully directed. Many of the images stuck with me. I also thought Tom Cruise was awesome. The plot (or lack of it) frustrated me though. I thought it ended too abruptly and I left the theater feeling "bitin" (as they say in Tagalog!) We got back to my place just after midnight and were both tired. We stayed up talking for a bit longer, and then headed to sleep.

Today I've got to seriously crack the whip on myself in terms of my job search. I'm going to CT with NDN and Oc tomorrow and Sunday, and then to Long Island for the 4th, so I'm not sure when I'm going to be able to blog next. I'm sure it won't be long, though, as I'm rather addicted.

I can't leave you all without mentioning that today is the one week anniversary of Narc telling me to "never speak to him again." I can't get it out of my mind and I'm still so sad, sad, sad. I just can't believe how this ended and that I actually am allowing it to end. But next week has got to be easier than this past week has been, and so on and so forth, right? Like I said, it's the first time we've gone a week without contact since early April. I am so going through withdrawal. It sucks.

Hope you're all doing well though...

hyde