IT IS SO HOT IN NEW YORK!!!
It is so hot that I can't bear to go outside! I took a brief walk to drop off my laundry this morning and I almost melted into a puddle. Ughh! Absolutely disgusting! I can't wait for the Winter to return. I painted my nails white and covered them in a layer of white glitter after that. Now, every time I look down at my fingers I dream of snowfall.
I've been in a very strange mood over the past few days. I feel like something is dying; something is ending. Maybe it's the Narc thing, but I don't think it's just that. To be honest, I'm not sure what it is or why I feel this way. I mean, there's been nothing unusual about this week. I drank too much on Monday night. I guess I forgot about my resolve to better plan out my drinking. It's okay, though, because I don't plan on partying much over the next two weeks. This weekend I may go down and see Hammer in D.C. and then I'm off for California with my mom and sisters. Hammer and I don't really drink a lot together, and I definitely don't drink around my family, so it should be enough to get me on track.
I haven't felt very sociable lately anyway. I haven't felt energized and I don't feel like meeting anyone new. There are too many loose ends floating about right now. So instead, I've been really pensive. And a million half-formed ideas have been tangled in my mind--mostly thoughts about why I don't live my life according to my own values and priorities.
I've been thinking about a conversation I had with Contessa over dinner last Friday. As part of our "Anxious-bashing" session, we talked about when Anxious told us that she kissed her Spanish professor. (That whole story is in my April 20th post--The Fuck Up) Basically, they used to go out together after class and she flirted with him all the time even though he is married. Then, one time he drove her home and they ended up kissing in the car. She presented the story as "oh no! What should I do?" when in reality, I know she was only telling the story to "show off" about her adventures. It really irritated me. It also upset Contessa but for very different reasons. Contessa said that the story made her feel "sick." That surprised me and I asked her why. She told me that she just "didn't need to hear" about one of her friends totally disrespecting someone else's marriage and that she didn't need to hear about some guy cheating on his wife. Contessa has always had more conservative values than I, but she stands behind them and has real respect for people and for committments. I feel like sex has become so "meaningless" to me and so it really struck me, what she said. It was refreshing to hear and I respect her for it.
Now we all know that I have pretty liberal views when it comes to sex and relationships, but there's a difference between having "liberal views" and using someone solely for physical pleasure. So much of what Narc and I have is only about using each other for pleasure. (Be it physical or emotional, it's always temporary and never deeply rooted.) Conflating sex only with momentary pleasure always devalues someone's humanity--very often my own. I know I'm a lot more complicated than I've been pretending to be in terms of my sexuality. It's hard for me to be measured about sex though. I feel like everything in this entire culture is geared towards stripping people down to their value as a commodity. All anyone asks is "what can that person do for me?"
I don't even know what I'm saying here. I guess I just feel like something is spiritually missing from my life-- something that I can't name, but that I know I heard in that conversation with Contessa. What she said revealed a valuing of humanity. That's what she engages in her relationships. I can't say the same for myself. In fact, the primary thing that has been missing between me and Narc over the past year is a respect for the "human-ness" of the other. I have never felt "whole" with him. I mean, he doesn't care at all about my needs, hopes, feelings, wishes, fears, accomplishments, etc. I'm just a sort of flattened symbol to him. I meet a certain set of needs. When he needs me, he calls on me, and the rest of the time I might as well not exist. In the end, isn't that all he is to me as well? Is it really HIM that I see and love? Or is that love just some sort of illusion I've created because I WANT to love? I don't think I see (and I mean SEE) many people as whole people for who they really are. Most people (friends included) I understand only in terms of the ways in which they come into contact with my life. With a few exceptions, everyone is understood and valued in terms of me. And while I don't take it to the same extremes as Narc, in the end, am I any better than he is for all of that?
One of the only people that I really SEE is B. We hung out together last night (and had a blast watching Jurassic Park on TV), and I realized that one of the reasons I love spending time with him so much--one of the reasons that I NEED him is that we see each other. Without that in my life I would just be desperately and existentially lonely. I love the way I feel when I'm with him, and sometimes I wonder why we ever broke up. I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore, but I love him with all of my heart. And when I have those thoughts I try to force myself to remember all of the misery from our life together. I have to constantly remind myself of it--he didn't love me in the way I needed to be loved just the way Narc doesn't love me in the way I need to be loved, even if they both still love me in their own ways.
I don't know... I feel like the end-result of all this is that I'm not treating myself as a whole person. And I'm not living by my values. I discard my priorities easily on a momentary impulse and it has been really bad for my sense of self. For about a year now, I've been treating myself like shit. I've been putting poisons into my body, I've been cavorting with people who refuse to acknowledge (or care about) my needs and I've been putting my work, my singing and all of my goals on the backburner. I haven't been keeping an orderly household and I haven't been keeping an orderly life.
What the fuck???
Anyway, I'm too tired and losing my train of thought. Besides, my Soap is on and I want to go watch it. I don't know what I'm thinking anymore. I only know that something is over, and something is just beginning. (Then again, isn't that always the case?)
And on top of it all is the heat. The heat that kills me. Ughh! Snow, snow, snow... Snow in the summer. It reminds me of last August when Narc did coke off my body. All of this heat is leaving me languid and soaking the city in the smell of death.
6 comments:
Snow in the summer is a great title for a song, eh?
"Streetcar named Desire!" I loved that!
You should come here, its cold, grey and rainy. We had our two days of summer two weeks ago.
Hyde, I accidentally posted a comment with a different blogspot name!
Oops.
Anyhow, I know that feeling. Remember the "change" thing I talked about?
Nearly the entire Bloc Party album is how I'm feeling lately...
Hope you are doing okay!
At least it'll be cool when you go to San Francisco! That's why Cowboy and I are going there. Believe it or not, the Texas heat is much more extreme than the New York heat (although life in New York requires more walking outside). We considered taking a fun trip to New York, but, in the end, we couldn't resist San Fran, where the high is 70 degrees! Cowboy has been obsessively looking up the San Fran weather everyday and fantasizing about how nice it would be to live there.
Too bad I didn't call you to coordinate our trips!
Luv ya and best wishes.
That was an amazing post, Hyde. For me, that's the rub, I have a really hard time not seeing the other person. Most times I see others better than I see myself. I'm trying to learn to have compassion for myself in the way that I have compassion for others, but it just often doesn't happen. That's what ends up fueling all of my self-destructive behaviors.
As for SF, bring your jacket and some jeans. Summers are wicked chilly! (Now watch, we'll have a heat wave!)
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