Love is in the Air (Again!)

First of all, I need to tell you all that my internet connection at home is down for a while. It's why I couldn't get this posted last night and why you may not hear from me for a few days... Anyway, I'm dating the post from last night--when I originally wrote it.

So it seems that there's a little commotion in blogland over what happened between me and Dan this week. I guess strange things can happen when "bloggers collide." (That was the title of someone's post, although I don't remember whose).

Anyway, the reason I didn't detail Monday night is because I don't remember much of it, and I can't speak to what I don't remember. One thing is clear though--I was irrefutably and irredeemably drunk and woke up the next morning with a headache and a few unexplained text messages from Dan. I spoke to him on Tuesday afternoon and as things seemed fine on his end, I decided to "scrap" the whole thing.

Tuesday night I took it easy and on Wednesday I stayed home the whole day with the minor exception of running a few errands. The heat was formidable and I just couldn't bear it. But by Wednesday night I had to get out of the house. I planned to go to Cheers for dinner and maybe a drink (maybe...). I hadn't had a chance to really catch up with IrishBird in quite some time and Wednesday nights are usually quiet over there. While I was getting ready to go, I got a text from Dan:

I'm going to get drunk now. Wanna join me? I could use some cheering up.

I hadn't yet heard his post about the mishap at Yankee Stadium, so I wasn't sure what was wrong. I wrote him back:

Where are you & why?

Dan called me back not long after, explaining what had happened and that he had just gotten off the subway. I told him that I'd meet him at Cheers at 8:15.

I got to Cheers shortly before Dan. While I was sipping my first drink of the evening, we changed seats so that he could get a better view of the Yankee game. We hung out there for a while, just chatting about various things. (Beer for him, jack and diets for me). PumpedUp and FightingMensch were both there, so I got to point them out to Dan. I ordered a shepherd's pie for dinner. It was delicious! At one point I checked my cell phone for the time. It was then that I noticed I had one missed call from Narc. I went outside to listen to the message.

Hey Hyde, it's Narc. It's about 8:45 on Wednesday and um... I don't know-- I'm just giving you a call. I'm sort of down here pacing around the apartment and um... don't really want to be alone right now and just trying to see if, um, I can avoid that somehow. So um, (nervous laughter), I thought I'd give you a call and see what you're up to tonight. Um, all right. Well, maybe I'll try you at home. Give me a call when you get this. Bye.

Shit. Narc drives me CRAZY. I literally feel like the guy makes me lose my mind. My first impulse was to call him back right away, but I resisted. He knows that I'm immediately available to him, and I wanted to try to play it cool and preserve a modicum of dignity. So instead, I went back inside and met Dan at the bar. I was shaken by the contact from Narc though and couldn't really focus my brain. I went to the ladies room for a breather. While I was in there, IrishBird came in. She caught me by surprise and I gasped. I did my best to ground myself and then once again, went back to the bar.

I don't know why, but Narc is like a drug to me. And as soon as there's the possibility of a "fix," it makes me crazy. There's some strange magnetic pull and it's nearly impossible to resist unless I've been so freshly burned that the pain is the foremost thing in my mind. Then Narc contacted me again. At 9:16 he wrote:

Call when you can.

I did my best not to call him back, but by 9:26, I couldn't stand it any longer. (Great, Hyde--your will power lasted you a whole 10 minutes!) I wrote him a quick text:

Out right now. You gonna be up for a while?

He didn't respond. 10 minutes later, at 9:37, I called him.

"What are you up to?" he asked.

"Out with a friend," I told him. "And I'm not sure what time I'm gonna be home." (I had told Dan that I wanted to be home by 11:00 because I was so tired that night and didn't want to make it a big drinking night. I didn't want to tell Narc that, though, because I still wasn't sure if I wanted to see him or not and the Dr. Jekyll in me was telling me to go home and go to bed according to plan.)

"Look," I said, "I'll give you a call when I'm in for the night, okay?"

"All right, but I hope it's not too late!"

We hung up and I went back to hanging out with Dan. At some point, NDN dropped by. I was talking to the man seated on my other side--a businessman named Chris from Tennessee, so NDN caught me by surprise. He pulled up a chair on Dan's other side and the three of us hung out for some time, laughing and having fun. I tried not to think about the whole Narc thing, but of course, it was hard. At 10:33, Narc texted me again:

Coming down yet?

I guess he assumed I was coming. That's the way Narc and I are... he's always the one who calls the shots and just by the fact that he wrote that to me, I knew I would be seeing him that night. At the same time, I didn't want to cut short my night with my friends on account of him. That just wouldn't be cool. So I waited 10 minutes and replied:

Soon, but not yet.

NDN didn't like the fact that I had agreed to meet Narc. I'm sure Dan wasn't happy about it either, but he didn't object or make any effort to stop me. NDN, on the other hand, was convinced that I had had too much to drink. He was being protective of me. I've told him in the past that once I start, I lose judgement about how much I've drank, and he didn't want to see me get burned again by Narc. IrishBird served me a drink "on the house" (probably my seventh or eighth) and NDN tried to take it away.

"Give it back!" I protested, reaching for the drink.

Instead, NDN spilled it over the bar, aiming for the sink on the other side. Well, that infuriated IrishBird. She came over to us and demanded to know what was going on. NDN tried to explain that he thought I had had too much, but IrishBird would have none of it.

"I'm not just her bartender, but I'm her friend!" she said. "I bought her that drink and I'm looking out for Hyde and it's up to me and my judgement to decide when she's had too much to drink. I know Hyde and she's fine!"

"Well, I don't think she's fine," NDN replied, "so I guess it's not very good judgement on your part!"

The two of them were hopping mad, and IrishBird kicked him out of the bar. NDN stormed out the door.

I turned to Dan. "Shit. What the fuck just happened here?" I decided to plead NDN's case one more time to IrishBird.

"C'mon," I began, "he's just looking out for me."

"Well, I'm looking out for you too," she said. "And no one's going to come in here and tell me how to do my job!"

She was really infuriated. She told me that NDN shouldn't come back until he was ready to apologize. It was no use... I wrote NDN a text:

NDN, I love you & you know that. I'm sorry...

He answered back:

I know that & feel the same, I am just sitting here & stewing in anger at IrishBird & her bad call! NO SHE IS NOT a good judge & she didn't "buy" the drink like she said.

Things were getting strange so I suggested to Dan that we leave. Besides, I knew Narc was waiting. At that point it was about 11:20. I called Narc on the way home to tell him I was stopping home for a few things and would be there soon.

Back at my place, I rang NDN's bell and he joined me and Dan as I got ready to meet Narc. (I had to shave, etc. and freshen up in the bathroom). After that, I sang two songs for them, but my voice was shit on the opera because of the booze. I also played Elvis' American Trilogy as per NDN's request. NDN headed home to bed, and Dan stuck around while I finished packing my bag. It's then that we had a somewhat "serious" talk, standing in my kitchen. Dan told me that he "loves me." I wasn't completely surprised that he has feelings for me, but I was surprised that he chose to express them in such strong words. I asked him how long he's felt that way and he said that he has been sure since Monday. I certainly don't want to belittle what he said at all, but I hope it doesn't have anything to do with the way that I behaved while drunk on Monday night. After all, I don't even remember anything after we left Manchester. Anyway, I'm glad (and impressed) that he was able to be so honest, but I wasn't entirely sure of how to respond. He knows that I am all tangled up in this Narc thing right now and I can't even entertain the idea of anything else, so we'll have to leave it at that. That said, I was very flattered. It's nice to hear something like that, especially after all of the bullshit I get from Narc.

Dan walked me down to get a cab and hugged me goodbye. While I was on my way there, I got a text from him. (At this point it was 12:21 am).

Thanks again for seeing me tonight. I feel much better now that I've told you how I feel. Have fun with Narc. I hope we can hang out again soon. I love you very much.

When I got to Narc's place, he answered the door in his boxer shorts. There were trays of Indian food out on the table.

"It's from my favorite place," he said. "I ordered it for you."

"I already ate dinner," I told him, "but I'll have a little."

I heated up a plate of food and joined him on the couch. After I finished, Narc put his legs up on my lap and I was rubbing them a little. I think Anchorman with Will Ferrell was on TV. Neither of us said anything about having sex, but he just had an enormous erection that was hard to miss. I took that as my cue. Five minutes later I was giving him a blowjob. Five blowjobs later, I was wondering why he wasn't initiating intercourse. I told him that I wanted him to fuck me.

"I thought we weren't having sex," he said. "I thought it makes you all emotional."

"What??? So what have we been doing?" I asked.

"Well, those are just blowjobs."

"Look, it's the same thing! Whatever... Just fuck me, okay?"

He didn't seem to have a problem with that. Men can be so dense sometimes!

We layed around talking for a while and Narc told me that he actually booked his six week tour of Europe. As it stands right now, he's set to leave on August 28th and he'll be back on October 5th.

"Damn it, Narc! That's a long time! I'm going to miss you so much."

"Miss me?"

"Yeah. I mean we've never gone that long. Do you realize how much we see each other?"

"Well it can't be that much."

"Yes it can. We're supposed to be 'taking time apart,' and yet I've seen you three times in the past week and a half!"

"Well, you'll be fine."

"I know. And you're going to have so much fun. Just don't forget to send me a postcard."

"Where do you want it from?"

"Your choice. Just don't forget."

(I know he's going to forget.)

I asked Narc what he's been up to the past few days. He told me that he's basically been doing "nothing."

"I was doing better for a few days," he said, "But today I got really depressed again."

He told me that he had been up all night Tuesday night and didn't go to bed until 8:00 am or so on Wednesday morning. Then he slept the whole day away on Wednesday. He explained that James' wife finally left town so he and James partied all night and stayed up drinking wine and doing coke. I told him his depression was probably from the after affects of the coke. In any case, he wasn't tired enough to get to bed, but I was. I was coming down off the alcohol and even though I had two more beers at Narc's it wasn't enough to keep me up. Narc popped a sleeping pill and we climbed into bed. It was nice sleeping next to him naked. I felt safe and fell asleep fast.

The next morning I opened my eyes at around 8:00. I felt sober and totally okay, but the room was literally spinning. It was weird. That has never happened to me before. I closed my eyes again and tried to go back to sleep. I woke up a second time at 9:00 am. This time I went to get water, brushed my teeth and combed my hair. Good. I looked a little more presentable. Then I climbed back into bed. At around 9:30 or 10:00, Narc's phone rang waking him up. He ignored the phone, but cuddled me a little and we ended up fucking again for an hour or so this morning. Then he got up and hopped in the shower, while I put my clothes on and plopped in front of the TV in the living room.

When Narc got out of the shower he came and joined me on the couch. I was just watching NY1 waiting for the weather. He flipped the channels, declaring that there was, as usual, "nothing on." Then he remembered that he had something TiVo'd especially for me. We have an old joke about Wuthering Heights. I re-read that book last summer and fell madly in love with it again. That was right around the time I met Narc. He laughed and said I would love a book like that because I'm so stormy and emotional. On several occassions early in the relationship when Narc brought me to tears, he would make fun of me and say that I was just being dramatic. He used to do this little impression and say "Oh, Heathcliff! Heathcliff!" It's hard to explain here, without being able to do the impersonation in person. Anyway, later it became a kind of affectionate joke about my moodiness. (Or maybe it was just a way for him to soften the impact of the emotional tears he so often provoked). In any case, Wuthering Heights has a certain meaning to us, and he saved it to watch just for me. I thought it was so incredibly sweet--sweet that he anticipted my visit and sweet that he thought of me when he saved it. We watched the whole movie together and ordered a pizza.

The movie, of course, made me cry and he thought that was cute. Afterwards, I lay there on his lap while he channel surfed again. We ended up catching the last quarter of Ghost which also made me cry. I felt rather pathetic. I mean, Wuthering Heights is one thing, but Ghost??? I mean, what's with me these days??? Narc couldn't seem to get himself moving for the day. I think it was the after-effects of the sleeping pill. So I offered him some Vivarin (which I always have on hand), and I think it helped a bit.

I had to leave just after 2:00 pm because I had a 3:00 pm voice lesson all the way uptown. Narc also had to leave to go see his analyst, only on the East side and a half an hour later than my appointment. He told me that he was planning on taking a stroll through the Neue Galerie after his appointment. I told him about my pact with Hammer to have a "date" at the Cafe Sabarsky once we each finish an incomplete. (I'm pretty sure I'm the one holding us up at this point!!!)

Anyway, when he walked me to the door he gave me a real hug and a kiss on the neck.

"See you soon!" I smiled.

"Yeah, sure." He seemed kind of blue.

I felt weird leaving there. I always do. It's like leaving some sort of dream world and reentering reality.

I made it to my lesson on time and suffered through the half an hour in that un-airconditioned apartment. At least the heat wasn't as nearly as bad as the day before. I guess I sang okay, but my body was really exhausted and I felt grimy. I still hadn't been home yet and couldn't wait to shower and change my clothes.

Back at home I went online to check my email and peruse the blogs and I read Dan's post and some of the comments there. I have to say, it's one thing to write about your own life on the internet, but it's altogether another thing when someone else is posting about you. It made me feel a little strange.

Later, I talked to B on the phone and then met my friend Nipkins for dinner. I got home not long ago and am debating whether I should go out for karaoke or stay in and get a good night's sleep. I think I'm going to opt for the sleep.

So that's it for now. I'm going to see Hammer in DC this weekend, so if I don't post tomorrow, you won't hear from me until Monday.

Hope you're all doing well!

Hyde