Smoke Gets in Your Eyes

They ask me how I knew
My true love was true
I of course replied
"Something here inside
Cannot be denied"

They said "Someday you'll find
All who love are blind"
When your heart's on fire
You must realise
Smoke gets in your eyes

So I chaffed them and I gaily laughed
To think they could doubt my love
Yet today my love has flown away
I am without my love

Now laughing friends deride
Tears I cannot hide
So I smile and say
"When a lovely flame dies
Smoke gets in your eyes"

In Love with Love!

Well, I might as well get started filling you all in on what I've been up to! (Do you ever feel like blogging can get to be a chore? I mean, I love it, but the responsibility to update can get annoying sometimes, especially when there's a lot to write!).

Anyway, NextDoorNeighbor showed up bright and early on Sunday morning for what he cheerfully dubbed our "ethnic food jaunt" through Jackson Heights. (And by the way, for the rest of this entry, I'll be calling him NDN. I'm feeling lazy.) We took the 7-train out there, getting at 74th and Roosevelt. From there we proceeded north on 74th street, taking in all of the sights and sounds of the Indian culture. I used to walk that street back when I taught high school in Queens (2001-2002). I remember peering into the windows of those gorgeous jewelry shops, the brightly colored gold winking back at me. Eventually, I could bear it no more. I gave into temptation and bought myself a ring.

(Shit. I just have to add as an aside that it's really hurting to type this. I chewed off all my nails and now I'm left with bloody stumps for fingers. Fucking torture!)

Anyway, back to my day with NDN. He was joking around and said he was going to make me model a sari so he could photograph it. He just loves playing with his new camera! Luckily for me, it didn't happen. Our first food stop of the day? We went into an Indian bakery and he pointed to something behind the counter.

"We'll take two of those!"

What were we eating? We had no clue, but whatever it was, it was sweet and delicious! Next we headed into the Patel Brothers Market--a huge Indian grocery. At about that point, I realized I had worn the wrong pair of shoes for a day of walking. I was starting to get blisters. NDN almost bought some spicy chickpeas, but didn't. He drank a mango drink and I looked for band-aids for my toes. We chatted about his ex-girlfriend with whom he had dinner the night before. NDN is working with Nissan corporation as part of his new job doing Hispanic marketing. He wanted to stop at the Nissan dealer on Northern Blvd. to see how well they cater to hispanic clients. But before we got there, we stopped off at Duane Reade so that I could bandage my poor toes. NDN's friend sent him a bitchy text message and I told him to "kill her with kindness" in response. It worked! She texted back an apology. Anyway, as we approached the car dealership, NDN told me to pretend that we were married and that we needed to buy a car.

"Okay, but where's the ring?" I asked.

(By the way, as I write this, it just got pitch black outside from gathering storm clouds. I think we're gonna have an INSANE thunderstorm in about five minutes!)

We entered into the side showroom at Nissan. It was hot and there were no salespeople in sight. Finally, we realized that we were in the wrong place and found our way into the main showroom. NDN chatted it up with a sales representative named Humphrey. I didn't think much of the service. (NDN later told me that my observations were gold! lol!) While I waited for him to take all of his notes, I made friends with two little girls who were playing in one of the cars. The seven-year-old informed me that neither she nor her one-year-old sister were ever going to get married because she "doesn't like boys." It was cute.

Leaving the car dealership, my feet were hurting beyond compair, so we stopped at CVS. I bought flip flops and sunscreen and we proceeded on our way. We walked past the school where I used to teach, giving NDN a glimpse into my past. Outside the school, I bought pineapple ices from a woman at a cart. Yum! Then we headed over to 37th avenue and walked east. We decided on Colombian food for lunch, but first stopped at Don Francisco's Market so that NDN could buy some mate.* It's a crazy upper herbal drink and apparently he got addicted to it while living in Buenos Aires. I still haven't tried any, but I'm dying to. NDN makes it sound as good as crack (not that I've tried that either), and he promises to become my "mate-dealer" should I get addicted. There we met Don Francisco himself and NDN charmed all of them in Spanish.

(Shit! Here's the thunderstorm! I just saw a huge crack of lightning next to the Chrysler Building! Now my cat is scared. It's so cute!)

Onwards to lunch! We continued east on 37th until we reached La Gata Golosa on the corner of 37th avenue and 89th street. We both had the afternoon "special"--a big bowl of crab soup and a plate of rice, seafood and salad. I also had an empanada as an appetizer. Delicious! After lunch, we were stuffed, but NDN still had room for a cholado. We got it at a bodega across the street--Casa Latina. A cholado is "a Colombian iced drink that's a cross between a thick fruit shake and an ice cream sundae. It's made with shaved ice, sweetened condensed milk, fruit syrups, fresh fruit and whipped cream." (That's from NDN's foodie book). It actually looked a lot like halo-halo--a Philippine dessert that I've had a few times with B. I had to abstain because it looked like it would just about kill me from the sugar crash that I'm sure would have followed. Instead, I ate the cherries off the top of his and just had a sip.

Both of us stuffed at that point, we swung back around towards Roosevelt Avenue and walked back to the 74th street station. I wanted a dessert myself after watching NDN enjoy his and had a sudden craving for lime ices. Unfortunately, we couldn't find another woman with a ices-cart. We did find someone selling another treat for NDN--some kind of cold sweet milk drink. (I have to ask him what it was called). We also stopped and got a taste of some grilled corn with fat kernels from another street cart. At long last, after about 15 blocks, we started to see people eating the ices I was looking for. NDN asked where they had bought them, and we tracked down the lady with the cart. I had my yummy lime ices and my tongue turned green (which NDN later photographed).

As you know, Hammer was in town for the weekend and we wanted to meet up again later that day. called her and we made plans for her and the Wizard to join me and NDN at the Bohemian Beer Hall in Astoria. The Wizard was taking a nap, so Hammer said she'd wake him in a little while. NDN and I got to the beer hall at about 3:30 in the afternoon. I staked out a table and he brought over a pitcher of beer (which we polished off before Hammer and the Wizard even arrived!). I started taking stupid pictures of NDN while he was on his cell phone. Then he took a picture of me--what he calls the "perfect" picture--all cleavage and beer. We were just being jackasses together. It was hot out and we were tired. Maybe that explains some of the general delirium.

When Hammer and the Wizard got there, they were hungry. The Wizard said he knew of a great Mexican place right by the Astoria Blvd. stop on the N train. We headed over. The food there was amazing. (The Wizard is a big fan of barbacoa and NDN shared his guacamole with everyone. Man, was I stuffed!) Leaving the restaurant, we noticed an antique store a few doors down. Actually, it was more like a junk store. We all went in to explore. Hammer found a painting that she said she wanted to buy for me. She said it looked like something I would make. The background was electric blue and in the foreground were a naked woman (all tied up), an egg and a giant eye leaking tears from the sky. It was surrealistic, and more expensive than we thought it would be. I told her I would just have to make my own version (which I did on Monday night). I bought a lamp for $20 which I'm quite enamored with. It's tall and gold and has a lampshade adorned with beads and feathers--totally decadent! It's something you'd find in Norma Desmond's boudoir. The feathers creeped Hammer out a little because she's a bird person. I also just HAD to invest in two tacky '70s photos of Elvis. While in those pictures he's clearly past his prime, he's still the king. (I know I've been all about Narc lately, but the king will ALWAYS be the king of my heart!)

From there, the four of us all piled onto the subway back to my place. There were really annoying teenagers seated across from us and they kept laughing. I hate when people laugh obnoxiously in public. (Pet peeve, I guess...) Back at my place, we settled in to watch the first three episodes of the first season of 24. (I have it on DVD). The Wizard only started watching 24 this season and had never seen them. I got to fall in love with Jack all over again. He kicks ass! And Hammer got to indulge her crush on Senator Palmer (who was only a measly senator then). The show was so different back then...definitely pre-9/11. It was kind shocking. The world really was a different place. Anyway, we had a good time. Hammer and the Wizard had ice pops (which the Wizard called a lollypop) and I was sad to see them go. (Hammer had to catch a train early the next morning).

The next day I was all set to be productive. I had formulated that massive "to-do" list and was all determined to eat well, exercise (after the food binge on Sunday) and finally get to work on my incompletes. Well, guess what? It didn't happen. I slept in late and then wasted a lot of time. It was bad. I lost momentum and got really depressed. Really really REALLY depressed. I'm just so fucking moody lately.

I didn't know what to do with myself and got all introspective and just wanted to journal. I finally filled up the journal I bought a year ago, so I decided to head to B&N to pick out a new one. (I got a very pretty leather book with a picture of Venice on the cover). While there, I also bought four CDs. It was indulgent, but it got me out of the house and cheered me up for a while. I also stopped by the art supply store and bought some canvases so I could do my naked woman/egg/ eye painting. Then I came home and ate fried rice for dinner, which made me feel sluggish and like shit about myself in general. As I was painting, I got even more emotional. I think it was cathartic and tapped into a lot of what I've been dealing with. I felt so disconnected from everything and everyone in the world. I wanted to call Narc, but as our problem was "resolved," I wasn't sure if he would still feel close to me. Ughh… It's still all swimming around in my head, but I think it's best if it remains unblogged about.

I had plans to talk to B at around 10:00. By the time I called him, I was even more emotional and feeling really bad. We ended up getting into a stupid fight. He has been under stress too and was picking on me a little. I just couldn't take it and I started to cry hysterically. I couldn't stop for about half an hour but then our conversation turned out okay. After that, I needed to blow off some steam, so grabbed my journal and headed to Cheers. As I walked through the door, BarMan saluted me, and told me to come hang out at his end of the bar. (Jealous, NDN?) Once there, I found myself next to BulgarianGuy! I haven't seen that guy in a while--especially now that he's dating Anxious. He's been on a little hiatus from Cheers. I've always liked him, but now it felt strange. Honestly, I don't want my personal life getting back to Anxious, so I couldn't be totally candid. Later on, ThursdayGirl showed up as well. The three of us hung out for a while, when at about 12:45 am my phone rang. YAY!!! It was the Narc! I had been longing for him to call, but didn't want to call him because of the delicate state of our developing relationship. But I so badly wanted to see him, or just talk to him. I just needed to with all that we've been through. I just haven't been feeling normal... I was super psyched to hear from him. I jumped up out of my chair and agreed to meet him at Yaffa's downtown. I was soooooooo happy.

I got to Yaffa's at about 1:15 am. Narc and I stayed out all night drinking. We had an interesting conversation about "losing our respective virginities." I was already pretty drunk when I got there, but the two of us managed to polish off the night with many more. It was a good time (and again, we ran up quite a bill). After Yaffa's we went to a "country bar" not far from his place. I was in heaven because the juke box was all Elvis and Johnny Cash, and I got to play whatever I wanted to with no complaints from Narc, after all, the King and the Man-in-Black were basically all that they had. When we were both so drunk that the night became blurry, we headed home.

(To give you an idea of our level of intoxication, here's a snippet of a conversation from the next day:

Narc: "Did we watch Six Feet Under last night?"
Hyde: "Um, no. I don't think so, anyway."
Narc: "Are you sure? I kind of thought that we did. Let's check it out"

He put the taped episode on.

Narc: "Yeah, I'm pretty sure we watched this... "
Hyde: "We did?"
Narc: "Oh, wait, no. I don't remember this part. That must be when I blacked out. Or did we stop paying attention? Did we screw around last night?"
Hyde: "I don't know. Maybe?"

Okay, how pathetic is that?)

Anyway, on Tuesday we slept in until about 2:00 in the afternoon and then lay around and fucked all day (even while I was on the phone at one point). Fabulous! Finally, we decided that we were being too decadent and we had to get out of the house for margaritas. NDN called and I invited him to come and join us. Narc and I ate dinner at MaryAnn's and downed a pitcher of margaritas. NDN arrived towards the end of the meal and had a Long Island iced tea. Because Narc had spent so much on our bar tab the night before, I told the boys it was my treat.

We were seated at an outdoor cafe, and before NDN arrived, a homeless man came up to us and asked me and Narc for help. He asked if we would read him an address off a slip of paper. He said that he couldn't read. I read him the address, wished him luck and gave him $5.00.

"Thank you and God bless," he said. Then he turned to Narc. "You have a wonderful wife, sir! A wonderful wife! You're a lucky man."

"Thanks," Narc replied, "but she's not my wife."

I was embarrassed.

We finished at MaryAnn's and headed over to Mocca (one of Narc's usual spots) for martinis and dessert. All in all, it was a good time. I was glad to see Narc and NDN hanging out and getting along. (NDN, you need to give my readers some feedback in the comment section here!) NDN took off after a few rounds while Narc and I stayed a while longer. We finally turned at around 11:00. I think we were both kind of wiped from our late night the night before.

Back at his place, we decided to rent a movie "on demand." We were both in the mood for something brainless and scary, so we picked The Grudge. The movie was really bad, but as I'm totally susceptible to horror movies, I kept jumping the whole time. Narc was amused. After the movie, we got into bed, but I couldn't fall asleep. I kept getting spooked thinking that there was someone standing over me.

"Don't worry," he said as he dozed off. "Just sleep... I'll protect you. "

I thought it was sweet. I tried to believe him and eventually I fell asleep.

The next morning I woke up early because I had to call my therapist. I told Narc that I'd be back in an hour and I went to make the call from plaza in front of his building. Then I went back up to his apartment and crawled back into bed. By that time, he was awake. He got up and showered, and we hung out for a little bit.

"Brunch?" he suggested.

"Ok."

We headed over to Bubby's for food. The afternoon stretched out lazily ahead. We decided it was a perfect afternoon for the movies. We both wanted to see something that was playing at Film Forum. In retrospect was kind of a odd choice for us, as it dealt with some issues that were sensitive for both of us, but especially for Narc. After the movie he got up and dashed out of the theater right away as the credits were rolling. He didn't look at me or wait for me. I knew how uncomfortable he was and wanted to make it easier. When I met him outside the theater, neither of us mentioned the film.

After that, we started to walk aimlessly. I asked him what he was up to next. He said he had plans with friends later in the evening. I was all grimy and still wearing Monday's clothes, but I didn't want to leave him.

"So what are your plans, my lovely?" he asked.

I liked how he said that.

"I don't know... Try to be productive, I guess. But I guess I'll just walk you home first and then head back to my place."

Narc was making arrangements to see Batman Begins. He already had four tickets to the IMAX show at 7:30. While we were walking, one of his friends called him and canceled. I wondered, for a moment, if he would invite me to take the ticket, but he didn't. Narc has now spent time with a handful of my friends, but has never invited me along with his. I wonder if he ever will…

We walked back to Tribeca through SoHo and stopped in at the Mac store because his computer was acting up again. He tried to book an appointment to have it serviced, but they were all filled up for the day. I told him not to worry, and assured him that I would make the appointment for him online after midnight (they only do same-day scheduling and you have to make the appointment in person or online). Well, if you read my last post, you know how that turned out! After that, we walked past the Open Center and browsed around the book store. I wrote in my journal for a while and he read some book. I was feeling in love. It was nice. Finally, I walked him home, he kissed me goodbye, and we parted ways.

Back at my place, I checked my email and had a little downtime, but I had to rush to meet VJ for dinner. She's moving to Miami at the end of the month and it's really sad. I'm going to miss her! She's been in NY for 9 years and I can't imagine it here without her. I met her at her apartment (which is half packed up) and we went out to a nearby diner, catching up on a lot of things. Her new guy is coming into town this weekend, and I told her that I have to meet him. I'm excited for that. She couldn't stay out late because she had to get up early to teach this morning, so after that I headed over to Cheers on my own. I had dropped my cell phone while out with VJ and the whole thing came apart, so in the cab back home I carefully tried to piece it back together. It looks like it's taken a beating, but it's holding up and it's still working, so it's all good...

(By the way, it just stopped raining. The sky is brightening again.)

At Cheers, I started drinking pretty fast. Honestly, I don't know why... Maybe because I didn't want to go home? Maybe it was out of boredom? In any event, NDN came out to meet me, and he got pretty wasted too. I was talking to a woman there who always calls me "French Revolution" because the first time I met her, that's what I was reading about. She's nice, but kind of annoying. She's 48 and was telling me and NDN that she still lives in the same studio-apartment she moved into 18 years ago; she still comes out and gets drunk at Cheers alone. Is that going to be me 18 years from now? I hope not (I fear so!).

NDN and I had a great time. We both got a little too drunk though, and NDN was getting rowdy, so I suggested that he take off for home. Somewhere in the middle of all that Narc called to ask me to make the computer appointment for him. That's when I told him that I "absolutely love him," and he replied that he "loves me too."

Yes!!!!!! Yes!!!!!! Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was so fucking happy, and even though I haven't heard from him all day today (which makes me really nervous because I think he's mad at me), it will take more than that to bring me down from that kind of high.

After NDN left, some guy was lingering in Cheers wanting to walk me home. I didn't want him to though, so when Cheers closed I asked IrishBird to walk me back to my place. I should have stayed home, but I didn't. Instead I went back out to Manchester where I got wasted until Sean Duffy cut me off. It's kind of embarrassing when I think of it now. On my way back from that little excursion, I bumped into Druggie in the elevator. He was thrilled (and drunk. And probably high). I don't remember much of our conversation, but at least I didn't end up hanging out with him.

Anyway, today I woke up on the couch where I passed out last night. I was devastated that I failed to get up to make Narc's appointment for him. I hope he's not disappointed in me. I sent him a text right away:

Sorry! I suck. Fell asleep on the couch so didn't hear the alarm. Made the appt though--3:55. PLEASE let me know if it works out! Sorry again...

I really really really REALLY hope he's not mad at me. I just feel like things are so fragile and I want things to head in a certain direction, so I want to be perfect for him in the next few weeks until everything's a little more solid. (I know... I'm probably sounding pathetic here, but I can't help it!)

B got back from the Philippines today. We already got in a fight on the phone. He's jet-lagged and I'm hyper-emotional. Not a good combination. I think it's because we have a long-term issue that we need to work out and it seems to keep rearing its head. He has had a girlfriend since November whom I've never met, and whom I don't want to meet. Because of that, he feels like he has to "sneak around" to see me, because he can't explain to her why I won't meet her. I told him to tell her the truth. He knows why I don't want to meet her (which is a long story), and I think that it's up to him to iron out his relationship with her and not make it my problem. Anyway, I think that's what was underpinning our fight this afternoon, but all my shit with B-- that's another topic for another day.

I've got plans to meet my friend NV tonight at 11:00. As I drank so much last night, I don't really want to make it a drinking night today, but we'll see how it goes. Then I've got NDN's sushi party tomorrow and another party on Saturday. I really need to get to work already though. I've been lazing around indulgently all week and it's starting to go to my head.


Well, that's all for now!

Lol,
Hyde

*If you're interested in learning a little more about mate, here's a link: http://www.ecs.soton.ac.uk/~jca/mate.htm

The Computer Dilemma, Fucking Up and Alcohol...

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

I volunteered to do Narc a favor and then I fucked it up. I got drunk last night. Old school drunk... I mean, "Hyde-in-February-drunk..." "Stay-out-way-later-than-Cheers-is-open-drunk." (At least it wasn't "losing-memory-drunk!") Bottom line--it was a Manchester night.

I got NextDoorNeighbor wasted last night too. (Mmmm...Harvey Wallbangers...mmmm!) I just called him at work. He says he has a major hangover and I told him that I'm still drunk. (I think I should start abbreviating him as "NDN." His name on this blog is just too fucking long!) But whatver... We're good friends and I fucking love it!

What about the favor for Narc? How did I fuck it all up? His computer has been having major problems and he has to take it to get serviced at the Mac store. Yesterday we went over there in the afternoon, but you can only make same day appointments so he couldn't make one for today. What to do??? I told him to call me at midnight. I said that I would make the appointment for him (he can't do it because he doesn't have the internet-- like I said, his computer is down). He called me last night at about 12:30 am. I was already wasted off my ass. I told him that I absolutely love him.

"You're drunk, right?" he laughed.

"Yes, but that doesn't mean that I don't love you!" I insisted.

"I love you too..." he said

"What? You're fucking serious?"

"Yes, I love you too."

I'm never gonna forget that moment, you guys. He can do whatever else he wants from now on. I'm going to be happy for the rest of my life. (Ok, well, I shouldn't make these broad declarations while drunk, and yes--I'm still drunk, but I FUCKING LOVE HIM!!!!)

Anyway, back to the computer dilemma---

So I ran home from the bar when he called and I tried to sign him up for an appointment while we were on the phone, only it didn't work out. They'll only let you sign up during working hours.

"What time do they open?" I asked him.

"6:00 am," came the reply.

"Shit, that's early! But I don't care, I'll set my alarm for you."

"No, Hyde--really! Why would you wake up that early?"

"Because I love you."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Okay, then... let me know when the appointment is for."

I set my bedroom alarm for 5:55 and set the same thing on my cell. All was well. But, shit! shit! shit! I opened my eyes this morning at about 10:23 laying naked on my living room couch. I had passed out there drunk and didn't wake up to either of the alarms. To make matters worse, I had a text from Narc. He sent it at 7:55 this morning.

Apple store appt.?

I can't believe I fucked up like that! Of course, I leaped off the couch and made the appointment. The earliest I could get was for 3:55. I hope that's okay. I hope it all works out for him and that he's not mad at me. How could I fuck up like that? Arghhhh!!!!!!!

Anyway, as I'm still drunk, it'll take me a while longer to write the massive entry and tell you all what I've been up to this week. Before I even attempt that, I've got to go shower, brush my teeth and sober up. IrishBird just called me. That means I must have made a scene last night. I'll call her back and find out when I'm out of the shower...

that's all for now.

love you guys!
-h

Coming Soon...

Okay, okay... So I've been a little remiss in terms of updating this thing! I promise a post either tonight or tomorrow.

But for those of you who can't wait (and I flatter myself here), a sneak preview of what's to come:

• Sunday's "ethnic jaunt" with NextDoorNeighbor followed by dinner with Hammer and the Wizard,
• My non-productive depressed day on Monday: I made a painting, got into a phone-fight with B and ended up getting drunk at Cheers before receiving a late night call from (and paying a visit to) Narc,
• All day Tuesday spent with Narc (NextDoorNeighbor met us for drinks for a while there too),
• All day today spent with Narc (including taking in a movie),
• Dinner with VJ (where I'm about to head right now)

I'm feeling better than when I posted last, so that's a good thing. Then again, unless Narc and I get in a fight, I usually feel better after I see him. I think I'm a little addicted, as sad as that is...

And yes, I continue to be majorly conflicted about that and EVERYTHING (which is basically what my last post was about. The quote is from Zarathustra and the "Third movement" is a reference to Mahler's Third Symphony, but I think I got it wrong and it really should have been the "fourth movement," so I'm going to go fix the title now...)

I promise... more later. For now, I'm off to see VJ!

Hope you're all well!

The Fourth Movement

Suffering speaks: Perish!
But all joy desires eternity!
desires deep, deep eternity.


Weh spricht: Vergeh!
Doch alle Lust will Ewigkeit
Will tiefe, tiefe, Ewigkeit.

Settling In *

The weekend has been pretty good to me thus far--lots of down time and healing. I feel like I'll be ready to turn the page by tomorrow. I have SO much to do that I've been neglecting. In fact, I've compiled a huge "to do" list.

My Top 10:

1.) Find a job for the summer
2.) Finish my two incompletes and write my Adorno paper in a somewhat timely fashion
3.) Return all my overdue library books
4.) Clean my house!!! (and I don't mean just "clean," but throw out a lot of shit and reorganize what's left).
5.) Start eating better (which will have to include some minor grocery shopping).
6.) Remember to take my blood sugar meds (which I've been neglecting to do for the past week or so)
7.) Start exercising regularly. (It's been almost a year since I've been on top of that one!)
8.) Take my cat to the vet (or at least schedule the appointment)
9.) Catch up on gifts I have to buy--a birthday present for my brother in law, a birthday present for my stepsister, a graduation present for JBC and a father's day card for my stepfather (I already got him a present).
10.) Call to schedule a voice lesson (I haven't been in about two weeks) and buy a new canvas to paint. (I need to do something creative!)

It's a lot, right?

Anyway, on Friday after Narc left my place, I spent some time napping and recuperating. I was pretty wiped out and was very surprised when Narc called me later that afteroon (at about 4:30). He said he was just calling to "see how I was feeling," but I found that a little suspicious.

"What else is up?" I asked.

"Well, actually," he began, "I have to ask you a huuuuuuuge favor."

"Sure, anything..."

Narc explained that he was having trouble with his computer and that he needed to reinstall a bunch of programs. Hammer had lent him a disc which I still had at my house, and he needed it back to run it again. He asked if I could bring it down to him.

"Normally I wouldn't ask on a day like today," he explained, "but this is kind of a crisis."

I was feeling well enough, so I agreed. I grabbed the disc and caught a cab down to Tribeca. It was raining and there was a ton of traffic, so it took me a long time to get there. Strangely, by the time I arrived, Narc had resolved his computer problem and told me that he no longer needed the disc. We hung out an talked for a while anyway. Part of me thinks that he just wanted an excuse for me to come over without having to invite me outright.

"Cinema Paradiso?" he suggested.

We settled in with the three-hour director's cut. I had never seen it before. (I thought the movie was amazing, by the way, and our discussion after it was over gave me some insight into his personality. I wanted to right more about that, but I just don't have the energy to think it through right now, so maybe in the next post...)

Anyway, I really just loved being chill and watching the movie with him. We ordered in pizza and relaxed on the couch. His phone must have rung a thousand times with friends inviting him out to party, but he ignored it each time, never once picking it up. Why were so many friends calling him? If you recall, they were all coming in from out of town for that wedding--including an ex-girlfriend who is staying with him for the weekend. (A little weird, but whatever...)

The ex-girlfriend called and said that her plane would be landing at JFK at around 9:15, so when the movie ended at 9:30, I suggested that I take off. I didn't want to risk bumping into her. Narc gave me a huge hug goodbye--a real one. He said he would call soon. It was nice.

Back at my place, I relaxed for a little while, and talked to B on the phone. At around 11:00 I dropped by NextDoorNeighbor's and we hung out for a while before going to bed.

Yesterday I met Hammer at an outdoor cafe in Union Square for brunch. Yay! It was so nice to see her again and catch up on everything. She told me all about her new job in DC and we talked about the differences between Washington and New York. I caught her up (in person) on all of the Narc-drama. After the meal we strolled around the area doing a bit of shopping. I bought two pairs of earrings, a pair of sunglasses, a T-shirt and two tops (that I totally couldn't afford!) at Anthropologie.

My mom had planned to come into the city to look at a refridgerator in the same neighborhood where Hammer and I were shopping. She is redecorating the house and buying all new furniture and appliances. She's going for a very speicifc retro look and had found some 1940's/1950's-style fridge that's only carried by one dealer in the Northeast. Hammer and I met her outside the store. Hammer hadn't seen my mom since January when she came with my family to Puerto Rico. The bottom line on fridge-shopping-- my mom loved what she saw and I'm pretty sure she's going to order it.

After that, Hammer had to part ways with us, but my mom and I went over to ABC Carpet and Home just to browse. That store is fucking incredible. I love it! I wanted everything that I saw. As we wandered through the different floors, we had fun laughing at some of the more outlandish pieces and their outrageous prices. As luck would have it, my mom found two things that she is seriously considering investing in--a couch and a gorgeous TV cabinet. I found an insane armoire covered in foiled wallpaper and mirrored tiles that I would have loved to have, but as it cost over $7000, not even in my dreams will that piece be making an arrival in my apartment.

After a few hours, my mom drove me back home and then took off for Long Island by herself. I went over to Cheers where I hung out with BarMan and one of the Colombians for a while. Later, NextDoorNeighbor dropped by and we talked for an hour or so. I had tentative plans to meet Hammer and the Wizard later, but by the time I left Cheers, I had polished off about 8 drinks or so, and was not really in a state for sober socializing. I called Hammer and told her just that, so we rescheduled for tonight instead.

When I left Cheers, I had intended to come home just to eat dinner before heading back out, but I was so tired that I ended up falling asleep at 10:00. I was out like a light for the night. I guess I'm still not physically back to my usual self. I think that this week has just taken a lot out of me, both emotionally and physically.

Today NextDoorNeighbor and I are heading out to Jackson Heights for some "ethnic food" and adventure. As we live in Midtown, I really hope that we don't get caught up in the chaos of the Puerto Rican Day Parade. I hate the huge crowds and the rowdiness. Plus, it's supposed to be around 90-degrees today, so in the heat, the crowded subways are going to be hell!

I expect it to be a good day, though. And I hope you're all enjoying the weekend!

-h

* I was stumped in terms of a title. I credit this one to NextDoorNeighbor who is currently sitting on my couch waiting for me to be ready to go...

Forging Ahead

First of all, I wanted to thank all of you guys for your advice and your support through this whole rocky relationship I have with Narc. I'm sure it must be endlessly frustrating to see me engaging with him when he acts like a jerk, but really--he's not as bad as I sometimes make him out to be. I wish I could explain what it is that makes me care so much about him, but I can't. So I guess I have to ask you all to continue to give me (and him?) the benefit of the doubt. He drives me crazy too, though. And maybe you're all right, and I'm wrong. Who the fuck knows anymore...

Anyway, the recent drama that Narc and I have been grappling with is resolved. Over. Finished. The end! The issue is no more. I know I'm being vague, and some of you know what I'm talking about, while some of you don't. I'm just going to leave it at that.

Yesterday, after returning from Narc's place, I spent a few hours cleaning my house in anticipation of his arrival. He's a neat freak and I'm a total slob, so while I'll never get my house in the condition of his, I didn't want to appall him with my clutter either. After that, I went out to buy groceries. As I approached the corner I saw BarMan making a phone call just outside the entrance to Cheers.

"Hey! What's up?"

"Hey, Hyde! You gonna come party with us later?"

"Do I look it?" I asked. "I don't think so."

I was in cotton athletic pants, flip-flops and a dirty t-shirt. It was so fucking hot out that my t-shirt was sticking to my chest and my hair was curling around the nape of my neck. As I marched on over to the market, Narc called and said that he would be by in half an hour or so, and I asked him if I could pick up anything special for him.

"Diet coke and chocolate Ben & Jerry's," came the reply.

As for myself, I loaded up on summer fruit, eggs and the supplies to make dinner. After shopping, I came home and started to cook. At around 8:00 I noticed that I had a missed call from Narc.

"Not sure why you're not picking up," he said. "But I've stopped off at Cheers for a pint until you're back home."

I felt really strange that Narc was sitting there at my bar. I called him back right away.

"Why don't you come down and join me for one?" he asked.

"Is IrishBird on duty?"

"Yeah, she just said 'hi' to me."

"Okay. I'll be right there."

Narc and I sat at the bar for a while. He downed three or four pints of beer, and I had diet cokes (plus two chardonnays) while we gossiped with IrishBird. Her sister was sitting at the other end of the bar--a sister I've never met, but heard much about. I dashed over there to meet her. It was cool. I reintroduced Narc to BarMan (they had met on Valentine's Day) and pointed out various characters that I knew around the bar. Narc couldn't believe how many people I knew. I liked it. I was glad for him to see that I have a lot of friends and my own little community apart from him. Especially because he's such a loner...

Anyway, after we had been there for a while, NextDoorNeighbor dropped by. I had told him I was going to be with Narc and I knew he'd want a chance to finally meet him. Again, I think Narc was a little jealous of how many friends I have in my little neighborhood. NextDoorNeighbor only stayed for a few minutes (I still have to talk to him to get his impressions) and then it was back to just me and Narc.

I might have mentioned that Cheers has a new thing--they're running karaoke on Thursday nights now too. (There's also a new girl hosting. I'll call her ThursdayGirl. She is a Cheers regular, so we know each other by name and sight even though we were never really friends). When Narc caught on that it was a karaoke night, he said he wanted to stay for a while.

"But I have dinner half made," I said, "and I'm starving."

"Just for a little while," he insisted. "I've never heard you sing!"

I asked ThursdayGirl what time they were starting. She told me at 10:00.

"Can you put me up right away?" I asked. "I really want to sing, but I can't stay."

"No problem!"

I was hesitant to sing because I looked so god-awful, and didn't want to draw attention to myself. On the other hand, I knew I was sober, so I'd sound good, and I really did want to impress him.

While I was singing I could see Narc's face. He was quite impressed. I felt crazy shy, but was also really proud of myself. It was a nice moment. When I finished, I knew I had blown him away. He touched me on the shoulder, and his face was kind of lit up, but he didn't know what to say. Sometimes we get so uncomfortable with each other--as if we've just met!

"Nice job..." was all that he said. (His face said more though).

Narc told me that he wanted to sing a duet.

"Okay," I said. "Put up anything you want, but after that, I have to eat." (It was getting late).

Narc put on the Cyndi Lauper song, "Time After Time." First of all, it was so weird to be singing with Narc. He has a nice voice, but is not really a singer, and I could tell that he was singing softly so not to be heard as loud as I was. He kept looking at me while we were singing, but again, I felt embarassed, so I kept looking up at the words on the screen. I felt flushed and like my worlds were colliding--like I was in some crazy fucked up twilight zone. Now Narc has hung out with Hammer and the Wizard and had a glimpse of my life at the bar and around the neighborhood. WEIRD!!! I think it only makes him think better of me though.

We returned to my place at around 10:45 and I finished making dinner before serving it up to Narc with his ice cream for dessert. He had brought over a few DVD's (including "Swingers" and "Cinema Paradiso" (which is the only movie that ever made him cry!)) but we decided we didn't have time for a whole movie, so we watched some comedy routine on DVD instead. It was pretty entertaining. I jumped in the shower, and after my shower we screwed around for a while, but I wanted to go to bed early, as I knew we had to wake up really early the next day. We were in bed and asleep by 1:00.

Today, Narc came with me and was very sweet and supportive as I had to take care of some difficult business. He stayed with me until about 1:00 in the afternoon when he had to leave for an appointment. He has a bunch of friends coming in from out of town tonight for some wedding, so he'll be busy with them through most of the weekend, but I'm okay with that. When he left, he gave me a big hug and a kiss.

"We made it through," he said.

I thought it was sweet. I felt good about him at that moment. I'm actually feeling remarkably okay about everything right now. A little physically wiped out, but okay. I feel relieved and like in another day or two, my mind will be clear enough to forge ahead... I don't know what's going to happen with us, or to me. But I need to collect myself and refocus on my work. Move on, and get on with things, heading wherever the road will take me!

(As for this afternoon, I've gotta go... It's time for Dr. Phil!)

Mishaps and Miracles

Yesterday gets mixed reviews! Some mishaps, and some miracles.

It certainly was an odd day, that's for sure. If you couldn't tell from my last post, I spent the first half of the day incredibly cranky. I spoke to my therapist in the morning and she tried to give me a "wakeup call" vis a vis the Narc. She kept reminding me how he shut down and turned me away last Monday when I was drunk and crying at 3:30 in the morning, telling me that he would call security if I didn't go.

"I just don't know what he was thinking," I said.

"Whatever it was, it wasn't something nice."

Well, shit...

After posting on "the annals," I chatted online with B for a while, and he cheered me up, as he always does. Then I was off for my lunch date with Anxious. We had planned to meet at "40 Carrots"--the restaurant downstairs at Bloomingdale's. I got there right on time and got on line for a table. Forty minutes later, I was still waiting for Anxious to show, and ready to explode with anger and frustration. Fuck it. Finally I decided to take off.

When I emerged onto street level, I saw that I had two messages. (I guess I just didn't have reception in the Bloomingdale's basement!). I was about to call Anxious back when I bumped into her on her way into the store. She apologized, explaining that she got caught up with some stuff at work, and we headed down for lunch.

Our lunch conversation consisted of chatter about BulgarianGuy's parents. Apparently they're in town visiting and can't stop complaining about everything. The whole meal had to be a quickie though because I had to head over to NYU Medical Center for some blood tests.

The nurse at the hospital was a fucking moron. She tied off one of my arms and tapped around for a while looking for a vein. When she thought she found one, she stuck the needle in, but nothing happened. She then proceeded to poke and prod my arm with the needle already inserted causing a sizeable amount of pain and discomfort.

"Ouch!" I kept crying.

"Sorry, hon. Let's try the other arm."

She pulled the needle out and tied off my other arm. Still, she couldn't find a vein. (I've never had this problem before, mind you.)

"Good thing I'm not an IV-drug user," I joked.

She gave me a funny look.

Finally she gave up on that arm too, and decided to stick the needle in the veins on the top of my hand. It hurt like hell. I was pissed and now I'm left with a bruised arm and a bruised hand.

Idiot.

I took the bus back up from the hospital (too hot to walk!) but before coming home decided to treat myself to a manicure/pedicure. It was fabulous, and I even threw in a 10 minute massage, but on my way out of the salon, my toes smudged. The ladies tried to fix it, but then my big-toe smudged again on my way home. It just wasn't my day!

Heading back to my apartment, I stopped to pick up some sushi for dinner. That made me think of Hammer. I texted her; she called me; and we ended up chatting on the phone for a while. It feels like forever since I've seen her. She may be in NY this weekend though, so that will be cool.

At around 7:30 I thought I might stop by Cheers to say hi to IrishBird whom I also haven't seen in quite a while. We had a nice time just chatting, and then I got a text from Bezoukhoff. He said he had a present for me, so I told him to stop by Cheers. When he arrived he had three books of Russian sheet music with him. He said that we could use the songs to help re-teach me Russian. t was very sweet! We went through one of the songs--the theme song for Schtirlitz, and he translated the whole thing with me. Before long, NextDoorNeighbor called and said that he was drunk and on his way home. I told him I was at Cheers with Bezoukhoff, and he arrived with gusto, happily planting kisses on everyone's cheeks. He insisted that we go outside to smoke. He was very hyper and tipsy.

(By the way, NextDoorNeighbor has a strange fear of chewing gum. Last night he insisted that I mention that here on my blog. Yes, he's a rather odd fellow! Also, he sent me an email this morning telling me that he dreamt that there was a black tie affair at Cheers and that he was their "customer of the year." He was there getting plastered and being really funny. NextDoorNeighbor thinks that BarMan doesn't like him, but in his dream, BarMan really liked him b/c he was actually spending money there. Funny, right?)

Anyway, just before NextDoorNeighbor had arrived, my phone rang. Who was it? That's right! It was Narc. He invited me to come join him for a drink or two. I told him that I was out with friends and wouldn't be able to meet him for at least an hour.

The hour passed quickly, and I urged the two boys to come back to my place with me so we could continue our "hang-out" while I got ready to see Narc. (I had to freshen up!). NextDoorNeighbor was still drunk and putting on a show. He called me a "fag-hag," to which I took offense. He tried to explain that it wasn't meant as an insult, but that he got that term from a Margaret Cho comedy routine and that it refers to a straight woman who has a little following of gay men. The only problem with this equation--NextDoorNeighbor and Bezoukhoff are not gay. The whole thing made no sense. Riding up in the elevator, we bumped into a woman who lives on the 11th floor. We asked her opinion on the matter, and I think she thought we were all crazy.

Back at my place, I shaved and re-did my makeup as fast as possible, changing my shirt and throwing a few items into an overnight bag. Then I was off to meet Narc.

We met at Yaffa--the same bar where we hung out on Friday. I must have arrived at around 11:30 and neither of us was too drunk, so we had good conversation, but there was something really awkward about the whole thing. There was no physical contact for a really long time, and a strange tension in the air. As the drinks flowed, though, things started to change. It was nice because I talked a lot about myself for once, and he actually seemed interested. I don't remember everything with the usual level of detail, but I'll try to recount a few key moments...

Of course, once we were drinking, the gloves came off, and the whole issue of our "relationship" or our "non-relationship" was raised yet again. Narc told me that he desperately needed to talk to someone--to call a friend a few weeks ago (for reasons I promised not to disclose), but that he had no one to call.

"Why didn't you call me?" I demanded. "You can always call me! Whether or not we're in a 'relationship,' whether it's now or 10 years from now," I said. "It's the same for everyone I've ever cared about--everyone I've loved. I would be there for you."

"I don't believe you," he said. "You don't really love me."

(This was so weird. It was the first time that I realized that Narc doesn't TRUST me!)

"I do love you," I said. "Why would you say otherwise?"

"Oh, you love me? If you love me, what was the name of the workshop I just went to last week?"

"Healing your deepest wound."

"Yeah, well, why did I start going to see my guru to begin with? What was the reason I gave when I first met her?"

"That you have trouble feeling things. That you don't think you experience life in a 'feeling' way."

(I answered both of his questions correctly, and that seemed to quiet him for the moment.)

He looked at me sadly.

"Hyde, I don't feel anything!" he insisted.

(I don't believe him, though).

"Narc, this isn't hard. Why are you testing me?"

"Because how do I know?" he asked. "How do I know that you haven't been sleeping with other people--that you're not sleeping with other people?"

(Meanwhile, if we're "not in a relationship," why CAN'T I be sleeping with other people? But whatever... There's no way I was going to say that.)

"Look, Narc.... The last time I slept with anyone else was in mid-April."

"What??? So you were sleeping with other people?"

"Hello??? I told you that! This isn't anything new! And it's not 'other people;' it's one other person, or rather it was one other person."

"I didn't know that," he said.

"Yes, you did. I told you about it. It was that guy that was at my place the night you came up in April." (You all know him as the Stallion!)

"You said you didn't sleep with him that night."

(Did I?)

"Well, I slept with him a few times in March and the beginning of April," I said. "All after we 'broke it off' at the end of February."

He looked at me suspiciously.

"Narc, I didn't do anything wrong. Let's go over this for a second... We got together last summer. I told you in November--on November 19th that I loved you. That's the day we met up at KGB and then fucked on your roof. I was dating SeattleGuy at the time and I asked you if I should split with him. You told me to 'do what I wanted to,' and that you weren't going to tell me what to do one way or the other. So I did. I decided to break it off with everyone else because I loved you. Then we had that series of emotional emails in early December. I wanted more, and you didn't. It all came crashing to a close when on December 18th, you sent me that text--Nothing more for us really."

"Yeah, I remember that," he said. "I was at Waikiki Wally's."

"Right, with your comedy-improv group."

(Inside, I smiled that he remembered that detail. If he remembered it that clearly, it couldn't have been meaningless to him at the time.)

"Anyway, we split, so I fucked one other guy in December right before New Year's. But after we started hanging out together in January, again, I didn't see anyone else except for you. Then my brother got in the accident and we split again, and this guy I knew from four years ago moved back to New York. So I started hanging out with him. Besides, if you recall, you told me you were dating someone else. You told me (around Easter time) that night that you called me drunk, that you 'just wanted to get me away from you.'"

"That's not how I put it," he said. "Besides, it was just a handful of dates with Russian Pop-Star Chick. Who is this guy you were with?"

(Wait, what??? So it wasn't even New-Girl after all??? Whatever... no time for that now.)

"I know I told you about him," I said. "We used to hook up years ago, but he has a girlfriend now. Anyway, I'm not really into him. I was trying to get over you."

"Wait, so you were 'the other woman?' That's too funny. It's fucking classic."

"Why?"

"Because I always said that I would never be with a woman who would settle for being 'the other woman.' Now you're just digging your own grave, Hyde."

"Narc, that's bullshit," I said. "Don't judge me and make it seem like I have no self-esteem just because I was with a guy who has a girlfriend. I was using him just as much to get over you, like I said. Besides, this is who I am. I'm being completely honest with you now, and if you don't like it, and if you don't like me, and if you want to set up all these standards that I'm suddenly not able to meet, that's your prerogative. But this is me. I'm not going to apologize for myself. Especially after what you put me through."

He didn't say anything, but I think he got the point.

Later one we got into a big debate about history--one which really annoyed me. He said that he thinks all of the blogs, and all of records that we leave behind are worthless.

"The only thing really worth anything, is if someone takes all of that 'stream of consciousness' crap and structures it into a narrative--processes it somehow--creates art."

"Maybe that has artistic or aesthetic value," I said, "but it's not the only thing that's valuable for the historian. For historians, it's all useful. Both the 'constructed narrative' and the raw material tell you different things about the past."

He completely disagreed with me. He said that it was "irresponsible" to "save everything."

"No," I said. "It's good. Let the historians in the future sort through it."

We went on fighting about this for a really long time, and it was really on my nerves. He doesn't understand what historians do, and he was claiming that the whole process is worthless.

"I'm not even going to comment on the fact that you just told me that my chosen profession is 'worthless,'" I said, "because I don't think you understand history."

"Of course I do!"

"What history books have you read recently?" I asked.

"Hello? My uncle is a famous historian!"

"So? That doesn't mean that you know anything about what historians do or what materials they find useful."

(Arghh! He is so fucking stubborn!)

A little while later, we were talking about having children. This was kind of a sensitive topic. He told me that he "knows" I want a child.

"But later in life, when you're ready for it," he said. "Not now."

"I don't know, Narc. Sometimes I have doubts..."

"Look," he said. "I know I was just giving you a hard time about the whole history thing, but you're brilliant at what you do. You have so far to go and I know you're going to achieve so much. Having a kid now would totally derail you. You don't want to do that."

That's the first time he's ever complimented me like that. It was really nice to hear that he thinks highly of me that way.

"I know what a big deal the decision to have kids is," he said. "I've been thinking about it a lot too. It's not nothing. I can't write it off." He took my hand. "It's a very big deal...even the possibility of it."

I felt really close to him at that moment.

Later on we got into another stupid philosophic fight. He told me that the only currency that matters is "time." I told him that I think it's "love." (This was clearly a discussion that made much more sense while drunk.)

"Let's get an impartial arbitrator!" he insisted. He called a woman over to us so he could pose the problem to her.

"Are you guys together?" she asked, trying to get a sense of the situation.

"No, we're not in a 'relationship,'" I told her, looking at Narc pointedly.

"So how do you know each other?"

Narc decided to field that question.

"Basically, I met her a year ago and we've had a couple of one night stands," he said.

"What???" I looked at him in shock. "That's how you would put it to a stranger?"

"Why? Do you love him?" she asked me.

"He knows that I do, and this is bullshit," I said. "Narc, I can't fucking believe you just said that! You are fucking unbelievable! I can't even deal with this..."

I got up and went to the ladies room. I stared at myself in the mirror and splashed water on my cheeks, trying to avoid my eyes to keep my mascara from running. When I went back upstairs, Narc was nowhere to be seen.

"Did he leave?" I asked the woman. (God, I didn't want a repeat of Monday!)

"No, he went outside for a smoke."

"But he doesn't have any cigarettes left!"

"I gave him one."

"Oh."

I went outside to find him.

"Narc, I really can't believe you," I said.

"What? It's true..."

"It's not true. I am not a 'couple of one night stands,' and at this point, I think it's pretty disgusting that you would put it that way to a stranger right in front of me! I'm sorry, but that really hurt my feelings."

"I don't understand why you're being so dramatic," he said.

"Oh, so now this is me making drama? I don't think so. This is me responding 'rationally' to something hurtful that you just said. You fucking hurt my feelings."

He looked at me sheepishly. He knows that it's more than a one night stand. I totally think he was testing me. It pissed me off though. I just can't deal with that shit right now. Too much else is going on.

But now I was on a roll.

"I don't know why you try to write me out of your life completely," I said. "why it is that you treat me like I'm non-existent when you and I both know there's a lot more going on here than that."

I pointed out to him what he had done in his blog.

"What did you want me to write about?" he asked. "Something really personal that's going on between me and you? I wrote about stuff that doesn't mean anything."

His response made me feel a little better. I decided to drop it because I didn't want to fight. The important point is that I didn't swallow all of my hurt feelings, but that I got them off my chest. I feel like in the beginning of this relationship I didn't demand enough respect from him, and so I didn't get it. I just can't do that anymore.

Anyway, after all that, things got softer again, and we ended up kissing for a while in the bar. It was nice. We were both drunk, but he was much worse than I was. He was crazy wasted. To give you guys a sense of it--our bar tab (for just the two of us) came to $174.00 (at about $6 a drink, you do the math!)

Leaving the bar, Narc was hardly able to walk, but he kept insisting that he wanted cigarettes. We stayed about half an hour after last call ('til around 4:30 am) and then I tried to lead him to the 24-hour grocery store across the street for the smokes. He was stumbling, and I had to hold his hand tightly to keep him from falling as I led the way. After we managed to buy the cigarettes (with miminal difficulty) and I went to the ATM, I tried to lead him in the direction of his apartment. I wasn't totally sure of where we were.

On the way home, we passed a sidewalk bench. Narc wanted to sit down. I agreed. Sitting on the bench, he started kissing me again, and pulled down my shirt at the neckline. He pulled off my bra and I was exposed right there in the middle of the street, but at least there was no one around. We stayed there for a while, making out half-undressed, until finally caution got the best of me, and I convinced him to let us continue on towards his apartment.

Back at his place the sex was amazing--neither of us had any inhibitions at all. Yay! It was wild and reminded me of why I got addicted to him to begin with. I was a happy girl. We probably crashed to sleep at around 5:30.

At 8:45 this morning my cell phone alarm went off. Narc was snoring like a bear. I had to set my alarm because I had promised to call B and had to go buy a phone card. I told Narc I would be back in an hour and kissed him goodbye. I went out, bought some water and a bagel along with the phone card, and chatted with B from the plaza in front of Narc's building.

After the phone call, I went back upstairs and climbed back into bed, falling asleep for another few hours. Narc woke up a little and we screwed around a bit, but then he fell back asleep. By 1:00 in the afternoon, I just couldn't lay in bed anymore, so I kissed him goodbye and told him I'd see him later. (He's supposed to stay over here tonight, for reasons I don't' want to go into, but he said that he'd call me when he wakes up).

So, now I'm home. Time to shower and clean my house a bit. I think I'll cook something for dinner tonight.

But more importantly, I had fun being out late last night. I haven't done it in a while, and I never thought I would have been able to, given all the exhaustion I've been suffering lately, but I'm glad. I feel like my old self again!

Hope you're all welll!

-hyde-

Blood-Sport

I'm so so tired. I'm just tired beyond belief. Tired of everything.

Last night VJ came over for a while. We had chinese takeout and watched some Law & Order and she printed out some resumes and cover letters. (She's looking for a teaching job in Florida). Even so, I was falling asleep by 11:00 and was out almost as soon as my head hit the pillow.

Earlier in the afternoon, I walked down to the East Village to go check out that Korean movie that I've heard so much about--Oldboy. The thirty blocks or so were absolutely sweltering in the 90-degree weather. I fucking HATE New York City in the summer. It's so humid and grimy. You can't walk two steps without your makeup melting off, and feeling like you have dirt under your fingernails. I can't wait for it to be autumn again.

The movie was really cool, but also disturbing. There's a scene in which a man eats a live octupus whose legs continue to wriggle while hanging out of his mouth. I found parts of it hard to watch. Narc is the one who recommended the movie to me in the first place, so when I got out, I texted him that I had seen it and that I found it "disturbing." He wrote back right away that it was "disturbing, but amazing!" and that they're doing an American remake with Nicholas Cage in the leading role. I told him that was "kind of hard for me to picture," and I asked him how he enjoyed Six Feet Under the other night. He wrote back that it was "great as always" but that he was sad it was in its last season.

I really just don't understand him. He's continuing to be in touch with me more than ever before, but I still feel the sting from that slap in the face that is his blog. He totally speaks with forked tongue, and while I know I should have learned by now, I can't help it that it still hurts like hell. He knows he's treating me like I'm not worth anything; he just thinks that because he says "we're not in a relationship" that it excuses all of his asshole-behavior. This is such a fucking drain on my energy and it has been for a long time. I'm about ready to go with Flash on this one, and foresake all members of the opposite sex. It's just too exhausting. I just can't do it anymore. It's so hard for me to fall out of love, that I don't think I'll be ready to see anyone else for a while anyway. I'm not one of those girls who can see one guy to get over another if I'm still in love. If I'm still in love, and I can't have the one I love, I'd rather be alone.

Anyway, more good news for me--I get to look forward to a lovely afternoon of lunch with Anxious and then I get to go have some blood drawn. (Yes, literally as well as figuratively!) I'm sorry I'm being such a complainer today. I just don't want to go back out into this heat. I'm in a bitchy mood. I want to pick a fight with someone today. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and smash something really hard on the ground. I want to make something bleed.

Why do I have the feeling that in the end, it will only be myself?

The Mess

What a fucking mess. It's 2:45 am and I'm awake although I don't want to be. I just read Sunshine's blog and it looks like she was late-night posting too. I guess it's just in the air.

I was really upset yesterday afternoon. I cried and cried and cried and couldn't stop crying. Finally, I had to do something to calm myself down. I smoked some weed (which seemed to do the trick) and set off for Cheers where I had a few too many whiskeys.

At some point in the middle of all that, Bezoukhoff called me, or I called him, because he showed up there. NextDoorNeighbor dropped by too. I whined to them for a while about all things Narc-related and then decided it was time to get myself home. I felt like it was really late because of my relative state of intoxication, but I think it was only around 9:30 or so.

When I got home, Narc called me (as we had previously arranged), but I said that I couldn't talk because I "had company." Well, I did--Bezoukhoff was here and part of me wanted to piss Narc off. He said that he was going into a comedy show and would call me at around 11:00. Well, needless to say, he didn't call me at 11:00. He called me at 2:30 am and woke me up. He can be a real asshole.

So what was I so upset about earlier? It's hard to explain here without going into some really personal details that I'd rather keep off the blog, but I'm not crazy for being so sensitive right now. Let's just leave it at that. I read his blog this afternoon; he finally posted--the first time since May 18th. Since his last posting I've spent 9 out of 15 days with him. There is no mention of my existence on his blog though. I don't need him to mention me by name or to go into anything about our relationship at all, but it would be nice not to be written into non-existence! Well, judge for yourself... Here's what he wrote:

(Oh, and before you read it, you should know one more thing--we emailed each other yesterday. When we were at Battery Park on Saturday I had mentioned wanting to take a sailing class. I said I had looked into it last summer but it cost a few hundred dollars that I didn't have at the time. He said he thought sailing would be really cool, so I sent him a link for the Manhattan Sailing School. Lovely how it makes an appearance here in his post.)

My, what a week it's been. Just back into Manhattan a few days ago, and find myself still recovering from not one but two escapades that I undertook in the last little bit: attending the "Healing Your Deepest Wound" workshop last weekend (in-depth post to follow), as well as, immediately after, heading on down to Florida to see my mother for the first time in quite a while (again, post to follow). Spent most of the weekend decompressing from the aforementioned--and in that vein, aside from the usual reading and ruminating over coffee at Mocca (as well as dinner on Saturday with M&M), I jumped at the chance to meet "New-Girl" for a few martinis at the Chelsea Brewery last night, that we might simply catch up, veg, and watch the sunset for a few hours. Seems that "New-Girl" has finally put most of her belongings into storage and is, just now, in the process of planning her upcoming roadtrip on June 15: SUV rented, sleeping bag and tent acquired, destination... Uknown. I find that I'm a bit envious, actually--as there's something very innocent and dream-like about tossing caution to the wind, hopping into a vehicle, and driving until you see where you end up (though she does have plans to get a bit of surfing in down south). I wished her the best of luck on her trip, and crossed my fingers that my own summer would, at the very least, provide for a bit of adventure as well. And on that note...

Signed up for Beginning Drawing and Fundamentals of Culinary Technique at the New School (never cooked a dish in my life, and figured it was about time that I remedied that...), as well as (in keeping with my "more adventure" resolve) Hang Gliding and White Water Rafting through the Adventure Society (details under "Now Enrolled In", at right). Also, would like to take Basic Sailing at the Manhattan Sailing School as well, but am waiting to get a group of four together before taking the plunge (any takers, let me know...).

More soon--in the meantime, photos from "Healing Your Deepest Wound" are now online (under "My Photos", also at right).

Anyway, it's clear that I don't even exist. He knows that I read his blog and I can't imagine any other reason for him to write me out of his life like that except to twist the knife. It's even more upsetting now because we're in a bit of a situation together and he knows that I really need his support. I just cracked. He can be cruel and I really feel like I don't want his support anymore because in the end, all he ever does is hurt me. I have been trying so hard to be patient with him, and to try to accept him on "his terms," but he insists on ignoring that I am a real human being with feelings.

Even tonight when he called me--he woke me up in the middle of the night and didn't apologize for it. He just talked about himself for a while and then when I yawned said he was going to go watch Six Feet Under and have a cigarette. So much for me, my feelings or my sleep.

Anyway, I'm feeling a little tired again now, and want to take advantage of the possibility, so I'm going to jump back into bed.

Hope you're all having a better night than I am!

-sad hyde-

I Hate Him.

I fucking hate Narc.
I hate him! I hate him! I hate him!

I HATE HIM!

I've never felt more alone than right now.
I hate him.

He is trying to hurt me.

Cheering Up, Charlie!

I've cheered up! I'm so much more cheerful today than I've been all week. I really think it's because I feel more grounded since I've seen Narc. We met up on Friday night. But before I get to that, I have to tell you all about my Friday evening adventure with NextDoorNeighbor.

Friday night was a rainy night, and not at all amenable for our planned visit to South Street Seaport. I had wasted most of the day Friday watching TV and catching up on sleep. I guess I needed it after the crushing amount of work I've had with the end of the semester and all of the emotional stress that I've been under. At around 5:00 NextDoorNeighbor rang my bell.

"It's raining," he reported. "So South Street Seaport is out. But I have an even better idea!"

"What's that?" I stood leaning in the frame of my doorway.

"Well, before I tell you, this is a 'black-haired Hyde' proposition. It's for the risk-taker in you."

"Ok... I'm game. What is it?" I asked.

NextDoorNeighbor had a sneaky look on his face.

"Well, I was thinking... Why don't we get all dressed up and then go over to try to crash a banquet or a dinner or a cocktail hour at the Waldorf?"

"What? You want to crash a party at the Waldorf?!?!"

"Yeah! It'll be fun!"

Now, I know that I may seem like the "risk-taking" type, but there is strong streak in me that chickens out in situations like that. It's my "Dr. Jekyll"--the girl who never cut a class in high school, and would be loathe to sneak into an R-rated movie before turning 17. Nevertheless, I could use a little adventure, and the prospect of a free dinner was too much to resist. I agreed.

Forty minutes later or so, NextDoorNeighbor rang my bell. He donned a jacket and tie and I wore a black and white beaded dress with high-heels. We set out under a shared umbrella for Park Avenue.

Once at the Waldorf, we checked out the lobby screens to see what was going on that night. There was an "Academy of Achievement" Awards dinner in the Starlight room and a sweet sixteen party in the Louis XVI room. Those two seemed like our best bets. We decided to go for the awards dinner first. We went up to the Starlight room about an hour before the dinner was set to start. The floor was flooded with security. NextDoorNeighbor asked them what time the dinner began, acting as if we belonged there. I was embarassed and lingered near the elevators. The security guard asked him if he had his "credentials."

"Of course," NextDoorNeighbor replied with confidence. "We just wanted to know what time to be back up here."

"7:15," came the reply.

We thanked them and exited into the elevators where after a brief conference, we agreed that security was much too tight. (I later looked up the Academy of Achievement and saw that they give those awards to heads of state, Nobel prize winners and the like.)

Back in the lobby, we surveyed the events schedule again. A hotel worker came up and asked us if we needed help. We were both nervous, although unnecessarily so. NextDoorNeighbor told her that we were guests for a sweet sixteen and that we needed directions to the Louis XVI room. She pointed the way. Like the awards dinner, the sweet sixteen party had not yet begun. It was a beautiful venue, but much too intimate for us to go unnoticed. It looked like our night at the Waldorf was a strike-out.

"Why don't we try the Hilton?" NextDoorNeighbor suggested. "It's huge, and they probably have a million events. We probably have a much better chance of getting into something there."

"Okay," I said. "But if that doesn't work, let's give up. I'm hungry, my feet hurt, and I want to get dinner soon."

"Agreed."

We taxied over to the Hilton on 6th avenue and checked out the events board there. There wasn't much going on--a Caribbean ball of some kind and an NAACP dinner. We decided to check that out first. When we got off the elevators, I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. We were the only two white people in sight and everyone heading into the party looked middle aged. On top of that, they were checking names off of an invite list at the entrance.

"Um, NextDoorNeighbor, I don't think this is going to work. I don't think this is such a good idea."

"Oh, c'mon!" He strolled confidently ahead.

"No, I don't want to go."

I took out my cell phone and pretended to make a call, as he approached the "guards" at the door. He was half waiting for me and coaxing me to join him, and half moving towards the entrance. I didn't want to get caught. I felt like a little kid breaking the rules.

Just then, a crowd of people came out of the elevator. They all approached the entrance at once, and the name-checkers weren't able to keep up. NextDoorNeighbor strolled through along with the crowd and I quickly followed. Jackpot!

Once inside the door, we partook of the open bar and the huge buffet. They had all kinds of sushi, pasta, fried hor d'oevres, fruits and vegetables, cheese, crackers and breads. It was quite a spread! We had a great time. We parked ourselves at a table in the back of the room. At first we were sitting alone, but before long, others joined us. NextDoorNeighbor had a whole elaborate scenario worked out. He wanted to pretend that he worked for "Vivid"--the porn company. He introduced us to an elderly woman at the table and asked her to take our picture. He told her my name was "Jen" (which it's not). It was funny.

NextDoorNeighbor started talking about his "film shoot" in LA. He asked me how my acting classes were going. I guess in this scenario I was supposed to be some kind of aspiring "adult industry" entertainer. We only talked to each other about it, but I'm sure the others overheard us at least a little, and I wonder what they thought. We were being such dumb-asses, but it was so much fun. Like I said--we had a great time.

After thoroughly stuffing ourselves at the cocktail hour, we decided not to stay for the dinner. Instead, we headed back out into the rain to catch a cab back to our building. A friend of NextDoorNeighbor's gave us a call and invited us to meet him for drinks in Midtown at 9:30. All I wanted to do was get out of my heels. I agreed to the plan for later, and we both retired to our respective apartments.

After about an hour of downtime at home, I started to feel really tired again. (Remember, I've been hyper-fatigued for the past week or so.) I knew that Narc was expected back from Florida and I was worried about whether or not he'd call me. I started to feel like I didn't really want to go out again. I rang NextDoorNeighbor's bell and told him so. Then I changed into my pajamas and prepared for a cozy night at home.

At about 9:00 I saw that I had missed a call on my cell phone from Narc. He left a message. He said he was back from Florida and that was downtown reading and drinking martinis, if I wanted to join him. I was dying to see him, so I called him back right away and told him I wanted to meet him.

"I can't stay out late tonight, though, Narc," I told him. "I'm really tired."

"Yeah, me too... Especially after traveling today. I'm just out for a drink or two."

"Okay."

I threw some makeup and a clean pair of underwear into my bag and was off. The cabbie who picked me up started a conversation. We chatted the whole way down to Tribeca, and in the end he asked me for my phone number. I was tired and really nervous about seeing Narc; I had very little resistance, so I gave it to him. I really hope that he doesn't call. I should have given him a fake number, but whatever...

When I finally got to Narc's spot, I felt flooded by a whole mix of feelings--too complicated for me to sort through right now. I took a deep breath and went in to see him. It was strange. We didn't talk about what I thought we would. Instead, we talked about the book he was reading. Then he started telling me about his trip to see his mom. He has a really rough relationship with his mom, having to do with some childhood trauma that I can't disclose here. The two of them had rehashed some of it during this last visit, and he told me all about it. I was surprised that he disclosed so much that was so personal to me right away. He did it all in a strange detached manner. I mean, he was talking about something so intense that I know he doesn't easily share, but he wasn't at all emotional, instead rather matter of fact.

We drank a few martinis and Narc ate a giant peanut-butter cookie. He had gone shopping down in FL at a bunch of designer clothing outlets and had bought at least $4000 worth of clothes (but at discount prices). That included two pairs of Versace shoes and a Versace jacket that he was wearing that evening. It was some ultra-cool shiny silver thing that he called his "director's jacket." He was so pleased with himself that I couldn't help but think it was cute and fawn all over him. (As for me, I'm so not into designer stuff and I never spend money on clothes, so I couldn't possibly be the most appreciative audience for his new wardrobe, but I tried!)

From there we took off for another neighborhood bar--the same place we had been two weeks before--the Saturday night that he told me he loved me. Even there, our conversation continued to feel awkward. I tried to keep myself calm and not read too much into it. I had to keep this night drama-free. I had to give all of this a chance. He seemed to still be upset by his visit home. He said that his lower back hurt, and when I felt it, it was all tied up in knots, so I gave him a little massage. I guess we've both been under a lot of stress. We had a few drinks there, but I wasn't drinking much and didn't want to stay out too late. I told him so, and asked if I should head back to my place.

"No, come home with me," he said. "But we won't do much except sleep. I'm tired too."

(Okay... I wasn't sure what he meant by that, but I would soon find out.)

Back at his place, we watched some old episodes of Sex in the City. He ate a sandwich that he had picked up at "Subway" on the way home. I wasn't hungry. (After all, I had gorged myself on the NAACP buffet!) We lounged around half naked, but uncharacteristically, he didn't make any kind of move to instigate sex. I didn't understand. I kept waiting for it, but it was not forthcoming. It was almost as if he were half-ignoring me. I started to feel a little rejected. Nevertheless, I was determined not to over-react and not to make any drama, so I forced myself to let it go. After all, he had just had a rough past few days and had just confided a lot in me about his mom. Maybe it was making him a little uncomfortable. I tried to remind myself that I'm just feeling extra sensitive because of the rocky situation we've had as of late. At one point I could see that he was thinking about sex (it became rather visually apparent), but when he noticed that I noticed, he hopped up and said he had to go to the bathroom. Strange...

After a few hours, we turned in for bed. He pulled me in very close to him, and was very affectionate as we were falling asleep, but still, no sex. I was frustrated, but resigned myself for the evening and drifted off to sleep in his arms.

The next morning, I slept in later than usual. Usually, I wake up first and try to coax him to wake up too; then, we always end up screwing in the morning. In this case, he woke up first and got out of bed right away, again--as if he were trying to avoid having sex. What the fuck was going on? He jumped into the shower and when he came out, starting surfing the web. I lolled around in bed while he updated me on current Hollywood gossip and various other internet news.

Narc is really big into industrial music and on Monday night, just before we got into that big fight, he had been telling me all about how he got into it, and about the history of industrial music (starting with Stockhausen, etc.) This morning he picked up on that conversation where we had left off, playing me samples of all the bands he had mentioned. It was pretty cool. Going through all the music stored on his computer reminded Narc that he wanted to buy an iPod Shuffle and he said that he intended to stop by the Mac store that afternoon to pick one up.

After a few hours of laying around and being lazy, we decided to get dressed and go for brunch. (I love how it didn't seem like a big deal, when just a few months ago "brunch" was groundbreaking!) Narc said that he wanted to walk up to SOHO and go to Balthazar. We both got dressed--he in his new Versace shirt and shoes, and I in the same dark jeans, black shirt and boots that I had on from night before. (Whereas it had been rainy and cool on Friday night, I had to suffer the whole afternoon today in that outfit in the 80-degree sun!)

After we were both dressed and ready to go, Narc sat down on the couch. What was he doing?

"So... Are you ready to go?" I asked.

"Yeah, in a minute. I just feel like sitting here for a few seconds... Just a few minutes to vegetate."

I was a little confused.

"What's with us, today?" I asked. "We're both so tired!"

"Hmm... Well, maybe we should do something to get our energy up," he said.

And with that, he took off his pants.

I thought it was a strange segway, and even stranger that he waited for the last second before we were leaving and after we were dressed to instigate sex. I mean, it was fine with me, but I'm just not sure what was going through his head with all that.

After we "got our energy up," we redressed and headed off for brunch.

Balthazar was crowded and kind of noisy, so we decided not to go in. Instead we went around the corner to Bar 89 (the place with the really cool bathrooms). I had a very delicious mimosa with my meal, and we shared an ice cream sundae for dessert. How indulgent! Yum!

After brunch we walked up to the Mac store. Narc really wants to get the new powerbook when they come out, and he wants to buy a 30-inch screen too, which would put him out about $6000 combined. He was like a kid in the candy store there and was so excited about some of the technology. He kept showing me all these cool little toys. Finally he had his fill, bought the iPod shuffle and we left. I told Narc that if I ever had that kind of money to spend (the $6000, I mean), I wouldn't spend it on computer toys. Instead, I would spend it on travel.

"I like to travel too, but I never have anyone to travel with," he said. "Every time I go with a woman, it just doesn't work out. It turns into a disaster."

"Why not go alone then?" I asked. "Or with friends?"

"Friends? I have no friends to go with. All my friends are married--coupled off... That, or they're broke."

"That's too bad," I said.

Then Narc brought up that New-Girl. The wannabe-model girl he had briefly "dated" back in March and April. (If you recall, I wrote at the end of April that it "broke my heart.")

"New-Girl wanted to travel with me," he said, "but seriously--that girl drives me crazy! I really can't stand her. And besides that, she's broke too."

I laughed. "Narc, you're too much!"

"Guess she's a strike out on all three!" he said.

Yes! Inside, I was widely smiling.

Narc said there was a 2:15 showing of Cinderella Man at a nearby theater. I said that I would love to join him, and we started to head towards the theater, but realized that we would never make it. Instead, we went back to his place and waited around for the 3:30 showing.

At the movies, Narc paid for my ticket and even held my hand for a few minutes during the show. Yay! After that we strolled down to Battery Park. He was sad because they're doing construction near his favorite spot-- a little duck pond, so the ducks hadn't come back from their winter hiatus. We walked along the water and Narc said that he was going to try to start running there, especially now that he was equipped with his brand new iPod shuffle.

"I just have to start, and do as much as I can," he told me. "Just like the Wizar-ino said!"

(He was referring to a conversation about running that he had with the Wizard on the Monday we met for Burgers in the village. I thought it was really cute that he referenced the Wizard that way.)

Walking back to his place, I asked what he was up to for the rest of the night.

"I don't know... Just staying in, but I really have to try to get some work done. What about you?"

"Don't have any plans yet, really, but I'll figure something out," I told him.

As we approached his place, he hailed me a cab. As the cab pulled away from the curb and he crossed the street, he turned around to wave to me. It's the first time he's ever done that.

So now I'm home, and I feel like all in all, everything went really well. I realize with Narc (after last time) that I can't push him. He seems to come around on his own. And maybe I should try to let go of the past a little. I haven't gotten cursed at or insulted or woken up in the middle of the night in a long time. I told him that I'd give him a call on Monday.

"If we don't talk before then," he said.

It surprised me.

Well, now it's just about 9:00 and it's Saturday night. I've got to hop in the shower, get dinner and then go figure out my plans. Should it be a night out or a night in? We'll see how I feel after my shower...

Later!

-Hyde-

Fatigued

I just don't feel like myself lately. I have been so tired. Yesterday all I did was wake up, go to turn in my grades, take care of some paperwork and return home, but I was so tired that I had to nap for a few hours in the early evening. When I awoke from my nap I tried to collect myself. I ordered Chinese takeout for dinner and decided to go to Cheers. Before heading out I went up to my building roof because NextDoorNeighbor had said he would be hanging out up there. He wasn't there. Instead, I bumped into Druggie's brother and his friend.

Over at Cheers, I just wasn't in the mood for the crowd. They're starting a new thing--karaoke on Thursdays, and it was too rowdy for me. I wasn't drinking, and was feeling much more mellow (and fatigued) than all that. So instead, I went for a walk around the neighborhood and called my sister.

This morning, I woke up exhausted even though I got at least 9 hours of sleep. I had to run across the street to get a phone card to call B. I didn't even bother to brush my hair (which was sticking out in all directions) and I was dressed in an oversized T-shirt and jeans. I stopped to buy some fruit from the fruit stand and despite my disheveled appearance, the fruit-guy gave me a free banana and some grapes. It was sweet.

Tonight NextDoorNeighbor and I are going down to South Street Seaport to stir up some "Friday night trouble." Narc will be back from Florida this evening, but I doubt he'll call me right away. I really hope he does, though. I really need to talk to him.

That's it for now.
I can't wait for life to return to normal.
I want my energy back.

Settling Down

So I heard from Narc on Tuesday afternoon. We "sort of" resolved the fight we had the night before. He complained that I'm always insisting I want to go out and do things together and then when we finally do, I always throw some kind of dramatic fit and say that I'm leaving. He said that he's sick of it. I think he's exaggerating, but in general he may have a point. But I tried to explain how difficult all of this has been for me (as you guys know!). I told him that the reason I start to say that I want to leave is because a huge part of me knows that I should leave (especially if he'll let me walk out, the way he did the other night). My feelings way outweigh what he's willing to offer me, and I never know what ground I'm standing on with him. Half the time he acts like there's nothing between us, and half the time he acts like I'm the only one he can love or trust. I never fucking know! Besides, on Monday, what I really wanted was for him to tell me not to leave--for him to reassure me that he wanted me there. I told him that our whole relationship leaves me confused and insecure, and that the only thing I have control over is whether I participate in it or not. Sometimes I just want him to convince me that I should stay...that he wants me...That it's okay. He said that he doesn't know what I'm so confused about--that he's always made it painfully clear that we're not in a "relationship" and that we never were. We're just two people "having fun together."

(What? He's deluding himself. We've been seeing each other for 10 months and saying 'I love you' for six. It may not be a healthy or committed relationship, but it's certainly a relationship of some kind!)

"Look, Narc-- I'm not saying that you've lied to me, or led me on or seduced me or hurt me on purpose," I said. "But just because you say 'there's no relationship' doesn't mean that it's true or that my feelings disappear. It's not that clear."

"It's always been that clear to me," he said.

"Oh really? Then how do you feel about me?" I asked him.

He fumbled around for a few seconds for an answer.

"Uh... Um... Well.... It's really hard to quantify when you just ask it like that," he said.

"I figured."

"Look, Narc--the bottom line is that I don't want to force you into a relationship that you don't want. But you have to see that this is hard for me. You're offering me a really small box into which I'm supposed to shove an overwhelmingly complicated set of feelings. It's just fucking hard. And it is confusing. I'm sorry if I flail around sometimes trying to do it or get dramatic when I'm drunk. You have to know, though, that I'm doing my absolute best to meet you on your terms. I mean, I have to... it's all that you're offering. But that doesn't make it easy."

"I guess."

"I really am doing my best, Narc."

"yeah..."

"And I'm an emotional girl, you know?"

"Well, I know THAT!"

We both laughed kind of awkwardly.

From there, we changed topics.

Yesterday I spoke to B in the morning and then hung out with Bezoukhoff in the afternoon. He was being such a sweet friend. He helped me work on calculating semester grades (which I'm off to turn in today). Then he treated me to lunch and dinner--way too much! We came back and hung out at my place. I sang and then we looked at some ridiculously syrupy sweet Russian folk songs. He played me his favorite Russian bass (off the internet) and then we looked at pictures of King Ludwig's castles in Bavaria, fantasizing that we should have the resources for such indulgences! After a while, we took a walk around Tudor City and down past the UN before getting a late night sushi snack with NextDoorNeighbor.

So that's it for now...

-hyde

The Triumph of Time

(an excerpt)

Mother of loves that are swift to fade,
Mother of mutable winds and hours.
A barren mother, a mother maid,
Cold and clean as her faint salt flowers.
I would we twain were even as she,
Lost in the night and the light of the sea,
Where faint sounds falter and wan beams wade,
Break, and are broken, and shed into showers.


The love and hours of the life of a man,
They are swift and sad, being born of the sea.
Hours that rejoice and regret for a span,
Born with a man's breath, mortal as he;
Loves that are lost ere they come to birth,
Weeds of the wave, without fruit upon earth.
I lose what I long for, save what I can,
My love, my love, and no love for me!


-Algernon Charles Swinburne

Last Night... (and tears)

A Conversation a la MSN Messenger:

Hyde says:
last night was a disaster

B says:
what happened?

Hyde says:
oh, b....

B:
what???

Hyde:
Narc called me at about 1:30. I had drank a bottle of wine. I was excited. He called his first night back! Just what I wished for! I went to meet him. He told me to meet him at a bar. Everything was going good, but I don' t know how many whiskeys I had and was drunk. Some music came on the jukebox late and i was singing along. We got in some stupid spat.

B:
is there any other kind of spat?

Hyde:
he told me I wasn't singing it right b/c I was not belting part of it, but singing it in head voice. I pretended to be more offended than I was and said I was leaving. He had already been being kind of a jerk. He wouldn't let me put anything I wanted on the juke box. I was hanging on everything he said. So he said "fine. leave." It was a challenge to me. I took my stuff and left, but didn't really. I just stood outside the bar on the curb for 20 min

B:
oh no!

Hyde:
I didn't see any cabs and I thought it was dumb, so i went back in. He was gone. I thought "what???" The bartender said he left. So I started walking towards his house and called him

B:
oh no!!!

Hyde:
he didn't pick up the phone

B:
what a disaster

Hyde:
I was drunk and had no idea where I was.

B:
poor H!

Hyde:
finally after a million calls he picked up. He told me he would be "sleeping alone," that I "shouldn't have walked out on him" and that he didn't want to see me. He was mean to me. Punishing. I started crying hysterically in the street. I had no clue where I was and I was scared someone would mug me. It was around 4:00 am.

B:
Grrrrr!!

Hyde:
I kept sending him texts saying i was sorry, that it was stupid, please forgive me, etc. The last one I sent said "What did I do that was so amazingly awful? I so wanted to be w/you & I really don't understand. I waited for you. So goodbye. I guess that's how you want it." Nothing in response. Finally, from wandering, I found his building. His doorman was away from the door so I went in.

B:
H, why do you make yourself his doormat?

Hyde:
I went up to his apartment and kept ringing the bell. Finally he answered and told me to go away or he'd call security. That was the last straw for me. It hurt so badly. I left. It made me cry so much. I'm crying again right now.

B:
poor H!!!!!!!

Hyde:
In the cab I was crying. My driver tried to give me "counseling." When I got home i was a mess. I really wanted to do something bad...to hurt myself. I just kept thinking that I messed it all up. I still think so.

B:
you didn't do it, h.

Hyde:
I mean, he called me on his first day back and look what I did!

B:
come on--reality check.

Hyde:
I was in a bad state.

B:
reality check.

Hyde:
I called GoldenFinch, Liu, Hammer... I called you.

B:
huh?

Hyde:
nobody picked up. I couldn't breathe.

B:
when was this?

Hyde:
I called NextDoorNeighbor and he picked up. It was around 4:30 am here. I was hysterical, so he came over. He sat on the floor with me and tried to talk me through.

B:
i didn't hear the phone.

Hyde:
(it was busy)

B:
oh.

Hyde:
then NextDoorNeighbor told me to come sleep on his couch. I did.

B:
my brother was on the computer.

Hyde:
I just woke up and came back home. I can't believe what I did. I hate myself. And i'm so sad. B, I can't do this. I'm too sad.

B:
yes you can.

Hyde:
I have to do my semester grades but my heart just hurts so much. I can't stop crying. I cried myself to sleep.

B:
so do them. Don't dick around. It'll help get your mind clearer.

Hyde:
now I've been up 2 seconds and i'm crying again. Why did I do that? Why? Why couldn't I behave better?

B:
what do you think you did wrong?

Hyde:
I shouldn't have walked out. It challenged him. And now he hates me.

B:
But you didn't hurt yourself. That's really good. And as for N, you know what i'm gonna say about that. So i won't bother. You also know what Dr. G would say.

Hyde:
what?

B:
and she'd be right.

Hyde:
bother. please bother...

B?

You still there? huh? b?

***********
PS: I called Narc this morning and left him a message. I said that I still don't understand what happened, but that I would appreciate it if he'd call me. I asked him to call. We'll see if he will. I don't even know what the fuck I want anymore though. I feel drained.

No. I do know what I want. I want banana pancakes.

************
PPS: I told N last night that I'm now 12 days late. I've been stressed about it, and just wanted to have someone in it with me, you know? Maybe that's what made him hate me. I should test today. Just get it taken care of.