Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Sickness and Memory on the M104
False Truths That I Have Come to Hold Very Dear:
“The highest passion is spent on what is absolutely suspect.”
-Thomas Mann
"We begin to live when we have conceived life as a tragedy."
–William Butler Yeats
I've been sick all day today. Sick yesterday too. Sick since Sunday night. Maybe I should count it from Sunday afternoon when I was still sick with alcohol; or from Saturday night when I was sick enough to text Narc. Or from Thursday night when I was sick enough to get wasted the night before teaching and text Narc. The bottom line is that I'm sick and that I'm stuck going through my week like this.
Nevertheless, I spent over four hours today in the Performing Arts library trying to sketch out a paper topic. My presentation is tomorrow but I hardly feel any further along. I left the library at dusk. Three overstuffed bags weighed heavy on my shoulders as I exited onto Lincoln Plaza. The red neon light from the Vivian Beaumont seemed strange to me. Everything else was gray. Looking down, even my hands were gray; all gray except the tips of my fingers, which were pink from the cold (and the stale nailpolish that I desperately wanted to remove).
I walked across the plaza passing flattened silenced ponds and stone benches. On my head, Montserrat Caballe sang Donde lieta. I felt a slow drip in the back of my throat and a swelling behind my ears.
I crossed in front of the opera house. The last time I had been there was desperately waiting for Narc. I choked with sadness for all of it again.
Again.
Again aestheticizing myself and everything around me.
(I thought of Walter Pater and the "quickened life." Was I burning? Was I burning like a "hard gem-like flame?" Hardly...(although I was trying!))
("senza rancor?" yeah, right...)
I listened to the music, drowned in violins and soprano and the grayness of the evening (and the fantasy of drowning). But cynical reason was triumphant, and I couldn't help but roll my eyes at my own ridiculousness. Thank God for rational consciousness. I mean, c'mon... Boheme is hardly that profound. No more being a mermaid! And no more thinking of Narc, either!
I shifted my gaze to the left of the fountain and away from my waiting for Narc.
(Waiting...waiting...warten...Erwartung...(anticipation, right?))
I found another memory--A column against which I had been kissed in the snowfall of the winter of '98. Warm kisses, before a security guard asked us to move along. That was a magical night. (Not a magical man though).
Not worth dwelling on for more than a flash, so I walked past the fountain. Jets of water hung like glass suspended in air.
Forward.
Over the steps onto the street.
I moved towards the island on the edge of Broadway to wait for the bus. Where was I? "10-20-50" as B and I like to call it. I thought of that October afternoon (with the sweet dead taste of autumn) when we sat on that bench and together promised that no matter what happened, nor where our lives led, that we would meet each other in that very place, on that very day, on October 20th of 2050. We even promised that should one of us pass away, that we would be sure to leave explicit instructions for a close friend or relative to show up in our sted. God, that was only five years ago! It seems like a lifetime has passed. What a slow crawl fifty years can be!
Enough of that. That happiness is on the wind. I needed the bus. Turning my face to squint up Broadway brought back similarly cold mornings on the corner of 71st street, scanning Broadway to the north, while shifting my weight, uncomfortably heeled on the way to work at that music company. Glad that's over. No bus though.
Taxis were everywhere. Taxis. Taxis wove in and out and lurched towards me menacingly, like electric eels. Their yellow eyes slithered down inky streets as the grayness of dusk turned to blue.
The new condos across the street stood colorless. Cold and bleached and blank. A Bed, Bath & Beyond stands where there used to be Orloffs. How many mornings did my mom and I go for muffins before our Saturday operas? Not very many... We were usually running late. More often, we landed at Orloffs in the evenings. There we enjoyed overpriced salads, programs in hand, before picking up the car from an overpriced garage.
By then, "Mimi" had finished and the ensuing Quartet had begun. That was definitely Domingo...and Sherrill Milnes. (Ah! Both favorites!) But I couldn't guess the "Musetta." I remembered when that quartet was on our Opera Ensemble program. I think it was spring of my junior year. I wasn't a part of that number (still singing Mezzo then), but I'll never forget the "Musetta." She was overwhelming. I've heard that she's working as a cantor now and sings at a small Brooklyn Opera company.
Is that the 104? No...not yet. It's just the M7. Or is it the M10?
Oh yes! Remember the time I rode the M10 home from work? I thought it went further north, but it turns out that its final stop is just in front of Lincoln Plaza. That evening, for some reason, I was the only one on the bus. I moved to the front and made small talk with the bus driver for most of the ride. It turns out that we were both smokers and so we decided to light up on the bus. I felt like such an outlaw. It was delicious!
Glancing across the street and just to the south, I eyed Fiorello and Josephina. One sticky summer afternoon, B and I had gone to the movies at 63rd street but I felt really sick when we were leaving. I was so woozy that I thought I might faint. (When was that? The summer of 2001, maybe.) Anyway, he went into Fiorello and asked them for a glass of water and a washcloth for me. It was so sweet how he took care of me that day.
Josephina stands where there used to be a Hoolihans. VJ and I had dinner there on our very first social outing as roomates in September of 1997. We dressed up strange in costumes and did ourselves up in dramatic makeup (a la Hyde). (That would turn out to be a favorite pastime!) After dinner we returned to campus and sat in the open air at the edge of the Alma Mater. I swigged from a bottle of sparkling cider until a security guard asked what was in the bottle. I laughed. I wasn't a drinker back then, and wouldn't have dared to break the rules so flagrantly. I don't laugh about those things anymore though.
Still the 104 hadn't arrived. The opera house glowed against the cold sky. Its chandeliers became a thousand fireflies transformed into ringing bells. But as beautiful as it was tonight, its most essential form in my memory is from the first time I saw it. I was on a school trip to see The Tales of Hoffman. At only 10 or 11, I was enchanted by Olympia's aria. Life was different then. In many ways, it was the hour of my breaking.
I had never noticed the annoying black lines etched across its windows though. Yet, there they were--black bars tracing Mondrian-like squares abstracting and dividing a space that shouldn't have been divided, obscuring the blurred glowing warmth of the Chagall hangings just behind the glass.
The quartet ended. "Schaunard" was now saying goodbye to his old coat. I know (for you connoisseurs) it seems oddly out of chronolgy (Donde Lieta is from Act III and Vecchia zimarra, senti is from Act IV). However, the CD is a hyper-romantic compilation called "Addio: Opera's Greatest Farewells."
I thought about that old coat and remembered B's favorite corduroy. We bought that coat together at Canal Jeans (which has since been replaced by downtown Bloomingdales). That was long before we ever got together as a couple. Weird... After we bought the jacket, we trekked the long path down Broadway to Trinity Church to see a friend performing in the choir there. B wore that jacket far beyond its rightful death.
At last! The bus arrived. Rush hour buses seem to go nowhere. It slowly chugged through the crowds at Columbus Circle, dragged me past BigSis' building, and reluctantly arrived in Times Square. By now, Waltraud Meier was singing the Liebestod. I guess that counts as a "goodbye," but it strikes me as a strange choice to include on the CD. It doesn't seem entirely human, in the way that "goodbye" should be. I don't know... maybe I had just been reading too much Wagner all afternoon to bear his ideological weight.
The ultimate irony came when the bus crawled to a halt in the Times Square traffic. "Isolde" reached her ecstatic climax. Outside the window, I saw aliens. Lights flashed but from far away. (I remembered my recurrent nightmare of the bloody emerald stained glass windows). The monitors and the billboards, I was sure, were screaming, but their voices grew muted through the smudged window glass. The botomless emptiness of Times Square. I don't feel energy there anymore like I used to. (ertrinken..... versinken....)
unbewusst--
hochste
LUST
Sunday, March 13, 2005
Sunday Morning Coming Down
Ah, the weekend! More drinks, more self-hatred, more drunk Narc messages. Eternal Recurrence! Life gets pretty fucking boring, doesn't it? At least I did actually do some work for once.
Yesterday I spent the entire day in the library. I read five or six articles and worked on developing my paper topic. I'm still not totally there yet in terms of working out a thesis though. Hammer and I met up in the Wertheim room at the New York Public. I brought my (semi) new laptop. We took a study break and ate a strange lunch at a Japanese cafe that was trying to be a French pastry shop. (Occidentalism, Hammer!) It was fun.
Leaving the library, I came home and called VJ. She wanted to hang out and get dinner. While she was on her way over Hammer called me w/ a relationship crisis. VJ arrived, but I was talking to Hammer so she went online on my computer. I hung up with Hammer and the doorbell rang. It was NextDoorNeighbor. He came to pick up his tape. (I had recorded his favorite Telenovela for him--Gitanas.) He heard something bustling about my apartment.
"Is that the cat? Or do you have company?" he asked.
"That's VJ," I said. "You've met her before, right? Remember she was at that party my friend had in September? All the way downtown? She was talking to your ex about psychology and stuff, remember?"
"Of course!" he said. He walked down the hall into the living room to say hello.
Before I knew it, NextDoorNeighbor and VJ were deep in conversation. They were bonding and giving each other advice about their internet dating profiles. I chimed in here and there, smoking a few cigarettes, chugging some SoCo out of the bottle and talking to Hammer on the phone, trying to help her through her issue. I started to get hungry. It was after 8:00 and VJ and I still hadn't eaten dinner yet.
"Do you guys want to go get something to eat?" I asked, inviting NextDoorNeighbor along.
We went to a diner down the block. NextDoorNeighbor was clearly trying to impress VJ. I sensed a "romance" blossoming--even if it was a one-sided one. Dinner was unremarkable until I freaked out a little bit. When I went into my wallet for money, I came out with a bar receipt from Manchester on Thursday night. However, if you recall, careful reader, I had no fucking clue that I had been there on Thursday! It scared me a little. Not enough though. Saturday night would be more of the same.
After dinner we came back to my place and VJ and I freshened up to go out for the evening. NextDoorNeighbor came back over with some pot. VJ doesn't smoke, but he and I enjoyed it. He was totally plugged in to an episode of Three's a Company and became so engrossed that he didn't want to leave the apartment. I felt myself getting sleepy and losing my drive, so I eventually dragged him away from the television. The three of us headed to Cheers. Initially, I had promised VJ to go to her meat-market bar after just a brief visit to Cheers, but the crowd won her over and we stayed all night. Unfortunately, NextDoorNeighbor was majorly stoned. He started getting all paranoid and saying stupid things. It was very odd. I don't understand why the weed didn't effect me the in same way. I guess that's just my Hyde constitution!
There were a million people there that I knew. I introduced VJ and NextDoorNeighbor around the best I could. It was so much fun! My neighbor (on the other side of the hall) showed up as well. I always ride the elevator with him and his girlfriend. Once they suggested that we all hang out, and I told them to stop by Cheers anytime because I'm always there. They finally took me up on it and were psyched to see I was there with NextDoorNeighbor. It was a little 20th floor reunion!
VJ and I were dancing and I was getting wasted. PakistaniMan was there, and I didn't really want to dance in front of him (or talk to him much for that matter) and it was a little akward. I feel bad because he's a really nice guy (even asked me about my brother), but I'm not into him and don't want to lead him on at all. He bought me and VJ a round of drinks though. (Secretly told the bartender to put the next round on him. Otherwise, I wouldn't have accepted.) Oh, another interesting character--MarriedGuy showed up! It's so strange! I haven't seen that guy in MONTHS, but was just talking about him a few weeks ago with the Fourth Floor Girls. I was drunk and greeted him with a hug, but I think he felt supremely akward. Oh well. I guess that's his problem. NextDoorNeighbor left kind of early because he was too stoned. VJ followed suit an hour or two later. I stayed to drink.
Drinking has some pretty negative effects on me. I felt like with each drink I was downing a glass of love for Narc. The more I drank, the more he popped forward in my mind and the less I was able to reason through why I'm supposed to hate him. (Although sober and in daylight, I'm slowly hating him more and more...) At around 2:00 am I caved (again!) and texted him:
What are you up to? Wanna meet up?
(Ughh! I know...I'm such a loser!) Well, the night progressed without a response from Narc until I got so drunk that one of the Colombians cut me off at around 3:30. Not a problem! I smiled and decided to head to Manchester Pub instead.
On the way, I bumped into Druggie. He wanted me to come up and "chill" at his place. I told him no, and that I was headed to Manchester but welcomed him to come along. He agreed, but didn't seem that so into my choice of bars. I wonder if he ever had an "incident" there. Did I ever mention that he's been banned from Cheers? On the way to Manchester he started to cross the street, trying to lead me into a pub on the other side. I told him that he could go wherever he wanted to, but that I was going to Manchester. (I was not keen on the idea of being that drunk in a bar where I didn't know the people already).
So Druggie and I parted ways and I wandered into Manchester, parking myself on a barstool. I was next to one of the Australians who asked me if I had "made it home okay" the other night. I was grateful that I had found that receipt because otherwise I would have REALLY had no idea what he was talking about. Druggie showed up shortly after. I guess he got bored by himself at the bar across the street. He kept trying to convince me to walk home with him, but I kept ordering another drink (and another and another) and he was getting impatient. Eventually he left me there. (Good!) After last-call I went outside and bumped into the other Australian. (The one I had initiated into the world of "medicine" at the end of January).
Anyway, I stumbled home by 4:30 am or so. My phone shows that I have an outgoing call to Narc at 4:00 (probably left him a message; my memory of the end of the night is in and out). When I woke up this morning, I had four drunk messages from him. (Two on my cell and two on my landline). Drunk Narc is usually not worth quoting (although I know I do it all the time). The only funny thing he said this time (while completely and incoherently slurring his words) was that he "only drank water all night," that he's been "working out a lot lately" and that some girl who's his friend has been acting as his "personal trainer." I wish I could communicate in writing the hilarity of his delivery on that one.
Today I felt like shit all day. My throat is hurting, my head is throbbing, and once again, I am pretty self-hating. I need to stop fucking up like this and start drinking less. I was drunk all morning (didn't even remember a 10:00 am phone conversation with B!) and didn't process the alcohol out until about 3:00. By that time, I had wasted most of the day. I took my laptop and went to Starbucks with VJ to work on a paper. NextDoorNeighbor had called her and asked her out. I think their "date" is for Tuesday. (I don't know if it's a formal "date" though). After that, I met B downtown and we had Thai food for dinner. I still feel awful though. I'm physically wrecked and have to stay up doing work tonight. I am renewing my resolve to quit drinking. I'm going to try to make it through the whole week without a drink, come hell or highwater!
I just hope I don't get another major throat infection. I will be miserably depressed if it interferes with my voice lessons yet again! (Last year I had tonsilitis around 8 times, I'm sure in part due to my "medicine" and the drip, but I ended up having to have my tonsils out in October and it fucked with my singing all year long).
Gotta run because there's much to do and my body is demanding sleep tonight. Feeling overwhelmed and a little despair...
-hyde
PS: Posted the pic of my house so I can remember a time when it looked pretty, while I fervently wish for it to be magically as clean once again!
Yesterday I spent the entire day in the library. I read five or six articles and worked on developing my paper topic. I'm still not totally there yet in terms of working out a thesis though. Hammer and I met up in the Wertheim room at the New York Public. I brought my (semi) new laptop. We took a study break and ate a strange lunch at a Japanese cafe that was trying to be a French pastry shop. (Occidentalism, Hammer!) It was fun.
Leaving the library, I came home and called VJ. She wanted to hang out and get dinner. While she was on her way over Hammer called me w/ a relationship crisis. VJ arrived, but I was talking to Hammer so she went online on my computer. I hung up with Hammer and the doorbell rang. It was NextDoorNeighbor. He came to pick up his tape. (I had recorded his favorite Telenovela for him--Gitanas.) He heard something bustling about my apartment.
"Is that the cat? Or do you have company?" he asked.
"That's VJ," I said. "You've met her before, right? Remember she was at that party my friend had in September? All the way downtown? She was talking to your ex about psychology and stuff, remember?"
"Of course!" he said. He walked down the hall into the living room to say hello.
Before I knew it, NextDoorNeighbor and VJ were deep in conversation. They were bonding and giving each other advice about their internet dating profiles. I chimed in here and there, smoking a few cigarettes, chugging some SoCo out of the bottle and talking to Hammer on the phone, trying to help her through her issue. I started to get hungry. It was after 8:00 and VJ and I still hadn't eaten dinner yet.
"Do you guys want to go get something to eat?" I asked, inviting NextDoorNeighbor along.
We went to a diner down the block. NextDoorNeighbor was clearly trying to impress VJ. I sensed a "romance" blossoming--even if it was a one-sided one. Dinner was unremarkable until I freaked out a little bit. When I went into my wallet for money, I came out with a bar receipt from Manchester on Thursday night. However, if you recall, careful reader, I had no fucking clue that I had been there on Thursday! It scared me a little. Not enough though. Saturday night would be more of the same.
After dinner we came back to my place and VJ and I freshened up to go out for the evening. NextDoorNeighbor came back over with some pot. VJ doesn't smoke, but he and I enjoyed it. He was totally plugged in to an episode of Three's a Company and became so engrossed that he didn't want to leave the apartment. I felt myself getting sleepy and losing my drive, so I eventually dragged him away from the television. The three of us headed to Cheers. Initially, I had promised VJ to go to her meat-market bar after just a brief visit to Cheers, but the crowd won her over and we stayed all night. Unfortunately, NextDoorNeighbor was majorly stoned. He started getting all paranoid and saying stupid things. It was very odd. I don't understand why the weed didn't effect me the in same way. I guess that's just my Hyde constitution!
There were a million people there that I knew. I introduced VJ and NextDoorNeighbor around the best I could. It was so much fun! My neighbor (on the other side of the hall) showed up as well. I always ride the elevator with him and his girlfriend. Once they suggested that we all hang out, and I told them to stop by Cheers anytime because I'm always there. They finally took me up on it and were psyched to see I was there with NextDoorNeighbor. It was a little 20th floor reunion!
VJ and I were dancing and I was getting wasted. PakistaniMan was there, and I didn't really want to dance in front of him (or talk to him much for that matter) and it was a little akward. I feel bad because he's a really nice guy (even asked me about my brother), but I'm not into him and don't want to lead him on at all. He bought me and VJ a round of drinks though. (Secretly told the bartender to put the next round on him. Otherwise, I wouldn't have accepted.) Oh, another interesting character--MarriedGuy showed up! It's so strange! I haven't seen that guy in MONTHS, but was just talking about him a few weeks ago with the Fourth Floor Girls. I was drunk and greeted him with a hug, but I think he felt supremely akward. Oh well. I guess that's his problem. NextDoorNeighbor left kind of early because he was too stoned. VJ followed suit an hour or two later. I stayed to drink.
Drinking has some pretty negative effects on me. I felt like with each drink I was downing a glass of love for Narc. The more I drank, the more he popped forward in my mind and the less I was able to reason through why I'm supposed to hate him. (Although sober and in daylight, I'm slowly hating him more and more...) At around 2:00 am I caved (again!) and texted him:
What are you up to? Wanna meet up?
(Ughh! I know...I'm such a loser!) Well, the night progressed without a response from Narc until I got so drunk that one of the Colombians cut me off at around 3:30. Not a problem! I smiled and decided to head to Manchester Pub instead.
On the way, I bumped into Druggie. He wanted me to come up and "chill" at his place. I told him no, and that I was headed to Manchester but welcomed him to come along. He agreed, but didn't seem that so into my choice of bars. I wonder if he ever had an "incident" there. Did I ever mention that he's been banned from Cheers? On the way to Manchester he started to cross the street, trying to lead me into a pub on the other side. I told him that he could go wherever he wanted to, but that I was going to Manchester. (I was not keen on the idea of being that drunk in a bar where I didn't know the people already).
So Druggie and I parted ways and I wandered into Manchester, parking myself on a barstool. I was next to one of the Australians who asked me if I had "made it home okay" the other night. I was grateful that I had found that receipt because otherwise I would have REALLY had no idea what he was talking about. Druggie showed up shortly after. I guess he got bored by himself at the bar across the street. He kept trying to convince me to walk home with him, but I kept ordering another drink (and another and another) and he was getting impatient. Eventually he left me there. (Good!) After last-call I went outside and bumped into the other Australian. (The one I had initiated into the world of "medicine" at the end of January).
Anyway, I stumbled home by 4:30 am or so. My phone shows that I have an outgoing call to Narc at 4:00 (probably left him a message; my memory of the end of the night is in and out). When I woke up this morning, I had four drunk messages from him. (Two on my cell and two on my landline). Drunk Narc is usually not worth quoting (although I know I do it all the time). The only funny thing he said this time (while completely and incoherently slurring his words) was that he "only drank water all night," that he's been "working out a lot lately" and that some girl who's his friend has been acting as his "personal trainer." I wish I could communicate in writing the hilarity of his delivery on that one.
Today I felt like shit all day. My throat is hurting, my head is throbbing, and once again, I am pretty self-hating. I need to stop fucking up like this and start drinking less. I was drunk all morning (didn't even remember a 10:00 am phone conversation with B!) and didn't process the alcohol out until about 3:00. By that time, I had wasted most of the day. I took my laptop and went to Starbucks with VJ to work on a paper. NextDoorNeighbor had called her and asked her out. I think their "date" is for Tuesday. (I don't know if it's a formal "date" though). After that, I met B downtown and we had Thai food for dinner. I still feel awful though. I'm physically wrecked and have to stay up doing work tonight. I am renewing my resolve to quit drinking. I'm going to try to make it through the whole week without a drink, come hell or highwater!
I just hope I don't get another major throat infection. I will be miserably depressed if it interferes with my voice lessons yet again! (Last year I had tonsilitis around 8 times, I'm sure in part due to my "medicine" and the drip, but I ended up having to have my tonsils out in October and it fucked with my singing all year long).
Gotta run because there's much to do and my body is demanding sleep tonight. Feeling overwhelmed and a little despair...
-hyde
PS: Posted the pic of my house so I can remember a time when it looked pretty, while I fervently wish for it to be magically as clean once again!
Saturday, March 12, 2005
Out of Steam
I'm out of steam. Flash tells me that he "doesn't know where I find the time to live the life I do." Honestly, I don't know either. I never ever stop going. There are just never any empty spaces. And honestly, I feel it starting to catch up with me.
Last night, my body literally collapsed into bed. I just woke up now and it's almost 10:00 am. I'm aggravated that I wasted so much time sleeping, but I guess I needed it. This morning my neck and shoulders are stiff, my eyes are sore and I have a muddled headache. This sucks. I rarely feel so exhausted as I do this morning. Rather, I find that when I sleep less, I can easily mask the sleep deprivation (and all real physical needs) with a little caffeine and adrenaline. Now I find that one night of a real good eight hours is just enough of a reminder that I am driving myself into the ground.
Anyway, yesterday got much better once my alcohol-soaked brain processed the stuff out, about mid-way through my teaching day. We were doing a review for their midterm exam (which is coming up next week) so the classes ran a little shorter than usual and I was grateful for it. After teaching, I came back to my place. I felt like I needed to do something that I've been sorely neglecting, but what? Go through the mail and look for bills that needed to be paid? Pick up the tons of dirty laundry draped across my bedroom furniture? Unload the sink stacked with week-old dirty dishes? Get ahead (or catch up) with reading for my classes? Try to make a bibliography for my much unattended research paper? Ughhh...
Instead I lay depressedly on my couch for an hour or so. Anything else seemed too overwhelming.
Before long, my phone rang. It was Hammer. She wanted to know if I wanted to make plans for a "Friday night culture night." I said "okay," but neither of us wanted to be decisive in terms of making a plan. She was stressed about an ongoing discord with her beau and I was wiped out from teaching and the physical strain I had put my body through the night before. (Not to mention the slight re-opening of the Narc wound). She said she'd give me a ring when she got back home from work. She was on her way home just then.
I jumped in the shower, and was just coming out when NextDoorNeighbor rang my bell. I answered in my towel and it was a little akward. He was in a rush, but apparently I had agreed to tape some program for him. I guess I made the promise while we had been out drinking the night before, and so he was at my door, tape in hand. He mentioned to me that he'd be at Fubar later (a local dive), and told me to stop by. I told him "maybe."
Hammer called back and we decided to try to catch a Broadway show by buying half-price tickets at the TKTS booth in Time Square. I got dressed as quickly as I could and met her at about 7:20. We were cutting it close. Thankfully, there was really no line and we had our pick of quite a few shows. We decided to see Tennassee Williams' The Glass Menagerie. It was really so good! It was starring Jessica Lange (who was brilliant!) and Christian Slater (who Hammer has a crush on, lucky her!). Hammer and I agreed though, that the girl who played Laura interpreted the role very strangely, and neither of us liked her much.
After the show, we went for sushi and bubble tea, but I was terribly disappointed because they were out of tapioca. Probably for the best, because as Hammer pointed out, I most likely would have sugar-crashed from it anyway. After we ate (and by this time it was around 11:45), I called VJ. Earlier in the day, VJ had asked if I wanted to hang out that evening, but I told her I had plans with Hammer. I told her that I could meet up after midnight or so though. VJ wanted to go to a local bar in my neighborhood, but one that I usually steer clear of because it is a total meat-market. I agreed to go anyway though, because VJ usually never wants to do the bar scene. Due to a miscommunication, when I called her she was already in bed. She said that she thought I would have called earlier.
Hammer and I parted ways and I headed back to my neighborhood. On the way, I called my mom for an update on my brother. Nothing new... (the waiting game is maddening!) What to do for my night though? Head to Fubar to meet NextDoorNeighbor? Check out who I knew at Cheers' Friday night karaoke? Either way, I'd have to stop home first and freshen up.
Back at my place I collapsed onto my bed to think it through. My body sank into the comforter pulling me towards a delicious sleep. I didn't want it though. I honestly and truly wanted to go out. But the longer I lay there, the heavier my eyelids grew, my head sinking deeper and deeper into the pillow. I lay there like that for about half an hour doing nothing--not even thinking. All brain functions were shutting down. It was unquestionable--"Hyde" had lost that night's battle. It was undeniable--Dr. Jekyll was insisting that I get myself some rest. And so I did.
I successfully slept from about 1:00 am to 9:45 this morning. And now I feel thick and groggy and aching. I have to spend the whole day in the library today to catch up on a lot of things. Hopefully after some coffee and cold air, I'll wake up a little. The day of study will do me some good too. Today won't be about action, but rather about ideas.
As for tonight's plans...we'll see. First I have to find out where the world takes me this afternoon.
Last night, my body literally collapsed into bed. I just woke up now and it's almost 10:00 am. I'm aggravated that I wasted so much time sleeping, but I guess I needed it. This morning my neck and shoulders are stiff, my eyes are sore and I have a muddled headache. This sucks. I rarely feel so exhausted as I do this morning. Rather, I find that when I sleep less, I can easily mask the sleep deprivation (and all real physical needs) with a little caffeine and adrenaline. Now I find that one night of a real good eight hours is just enough of a reminder that I am driving myself into the ground.
Anyway, yesterday got much better once my alcohol-soaked brain processed the stuff out, about mid-way through my teaching day. We were doing a review for their midterm exam (which is coming up next week) so the classes ran a little shorter than usual and I was grateful for it. After teaching, I came back to my place. I felt like I needed to do something that I've been sorely neglecting, but what? Go through the mail and look for bills that needed to be paid? Pick up the tons of dirty laundry draped across my bedroom furniture? Unload the sink stacked with week-old dirty dishes? Get ahead (or catch up) with reading for my classes? Try to make a bibliography for my much unattended research paper? Ughhh...
Instead I lay depressedly on my couch for an hour or so. Anything else seemed too overwhelming.
Before long, my phone rang. It was Hammer. She wanted to know if I wanted to make plans for a "Friday night culture night." I said "okay," but neither of us wanted to be decisive in terms of making a plan. She was stressed about an ongoing discord with her beau and I was wiped out from teaching and the physical strain I had put my body through the night before. (Not to mention the slight re-opening of the Narc wound). She said she'd give me a ring when she got back home from work. She was on her way home just then.
I jumped in the shower, and was just coming out when NextDoorNeighbor rang my bell. I answered in my towel and it was a little akward. He was in a rush, but apparently I had agreed to tape some program for him. I guess I made the promise while we had been out drinking the night before, and so he was at my door, tape in hand. He mentioned to me that he'd be at Fubar later (a local dive), and told me to stop by. I told him "maybe."
Hammer called back and we decided to try to catch a Broadway show by buying half-price tickets at the TKTS booth in Time Square. I got dressed as quickly as I could and met her at about 7:20. We were cutting it close. Thankfully, there was really no line and we had our pick of quite a few shows. We decided to see Tennassee Williams' The Glass Menagerie. It was really so good! It was starring Jessica Lange (who was brilliant!) and Christian Slater (who Hammer has a crush on, lucky her!). Hammer and I agreed though, that the girl who played Laura interpreted the role very strangely, and neither of us liked her much.
After the show, we went for sushi and bubble tea, but I was terribly disappointed because they were out of tapioca. Probably for the best, because as Hammer pointed out, I most likely would have sugar-crashed from it anyway. After we ate (and by this time it was around 11:45), I called VJ. Earlier in the day, VJ had asked if I wanted to hang out that evening, but I told her I had plans with Hammer. I told her that I could meet up after midnight or so though. VJ wanted to go to a local bar in my neighborhood, but one that I usually steer clear of because it is a total meat-market. I agreed to go anyway though, because VJ usually never wants to do the bar scene. Due to a miscommunication, when I called her she was already in bed. She said that she thought I would have called earlier.
Hammer and I parted ways and I headed back to my neighborhood. On the way, I called my mom for an update on my brother. Nothing new... (the waiting game is maddening!) What to do for my night though? Head to Fubar to meet NextDoorNeighbor? Check out who I knew at Cheers' Friday night karaoke? Either way, I'd have to stop home first and freshen up.
Back at my place I collapsed onto my bed to think it through. My body sank into the comforter pulling me towards a delicious sleep. I didn't want it though. I honestly and truly wanted to go out. But the longer I lay there, the heavier my eyelids grew, my head sinking deeper and deeper into the pillow. I lay there like that for about half an hour doing nothing--not even thinking. All brain functions were shutting down. It was unquestionable--"Hyde" had lost that night's battle. It was undeniable--Dr. Jekyll was insisting that I get myself some rest. And so I did.
I successfully slept from about 1:00 am to 9:45 this morning. And now I feel thick and groggy and aching. I have to spend the whole day in the library today to catch up on a lot of things. Hopefully after some coffee and cold air, I'll wake up a little. The day of study will do me some good too. Today won't be about action, but rather about ideas.
As for tonight's plans...we'll see. First I have to find out where the world takes me this afternoon.
Friday, March 11, 2005
Drunk Narc (and Drunk Hyde) Revisited
I woke up this morning to two drunk messages from Narc (beautifully transcribed for your reading pleasure below):
Message #1 (4:14 am)
Hey Hyde, It's Narc. I'm in the cab and this cab is "rock and rolling."
(Can you believe he actually said that? Anyway, it was followed by something totally incoherent. Then...)
I don't know. Um... Yeah.... Um... I don't know what to tell you. Um... Alright. We're done. I know we're done. But I want to fuck you tonight. Um... Yeah, okay, I got to get going. Give me a call back. Bye.
Message #2 (4:32 am)
(sounding a little more sober, but barely!)
Hey Hyde. This is SO STUPID, but um... I don't know. You know what? Honest to God, I just want someone to talk to. It's about 4:30. And um... I just thought... Well, I wanted to talk to you. But your number is famously out of... out of shit, out of shit.
(Huh?)
But anyway, it's 4:30 now. And uh... yeah. (sigh)
Alright, I'll see what I can do. I'll see if I can find some food. Alright. Bye.
Then my phone showed one missed call from him at 4:41 am. I think we have a record here--the first time that getting crazy drunk SAVED me from the Narc. I was passed out into a deep slumber by 2:30 am or so. Now, to be fair to Narc, I did instigate this last night. I texted him around 1:00 am that I wanted to fuck him. Shows how drunk I was... But I can't hate myself too much for that, because I just can't bear to hate myself any more than I already do right now. I woke up this morning STILL drunk (which is making my teaching day hell), and I wrote him back. Probably a mistake. I'm such a loser for this, but here's what I said--
Got ur messages. Sorry I missed u! I KNOW (as u put it) that we're "done," but does that mean we can't fuck now and then? U know what I want & where to find me... ;)
Okay, that message was wrong on SO many levels. First of all, if I'm texting him for sex, then I clearly don't "know" that we're done. And second of all, he has no fucking clue about "what I want." Clearly, I don't either. Ughhhh!!! But what's done is done. One good thing to say though, loving readers. I do have one reason not to beat myself over the head--today is the ONE MONTH anniversary of flushing my medicine down the toilet. Not bad, eh?
But back to my story... How did I end up in such a sorry state? Yesterday was a shitty day for me. I spent five hours in the morning alone in the hospital with my stepbrother. The piece of his skull that they had preserved in his abdomen got infected on Wednesday night and they had to do a surgery to remove it. Now it's lost forever. My stepfather stayed with him overnight and left for work when I arrived around 9:00. I had to stay until my stepsisters arrived at 1:30. There was a lot going on (a clogged food tube, people coming to evaluate him from the long-term care facility, etc.) and I had to keep track of everything since I was the only one there. On top of that, I was reading about art under the Nazis, which was not too cheering. Watching him was so hard. He seems to be in so much pain, but never moves the right side of his body (which makes sense with the massive left-side brain damage). It was awfully depressing.
I left there and headed back to the city around 2:00. I had an annoying cab driver from the hospital to the train station who asked me my name and when I told him, kept saying it over and over, telling me I had a "beautiful name." In the meanwhile I was trying to talk to my mom on my cell to fill her in on what the doctors were saying. Back at home I was too depressed to do much of anything, so I layed around for a while and vegetated. At around 6:00 I talked to Hammer for an hour or so on the phone and then took off for boxing. (God knows where I got the energy for it!)
Back from boxing, I should have gone home. (How many times have I told this story by now?) But instead, I grabbed a book and went to Cheers. I started off by reading and sipping wine. I was hanging out with BarMan for a while. The Colombians showed up (who only work weekends at Cheers), and I started talking to the one who always flirts with me. I drank two martinis and offered to buy him a drink. The old-timer from the other night was there too. He said he "can't speak" for the behavior of Super321. It was a good crowd, but I was still depressed so I drank some more. I was getting bored of it though. It all gets so fucking boring sometimes. I texted my friend Jake. Then I texted NextDoorNeighbor to see if he wanted to meet me for a drink. He showed up an hour or so later with a girl he's seeing. I was already wasted and bought them both drinks. (I think I was buying rounds for the whole fucking bar at that point!) We hung out for a while, and with BarMan too. I honestly don't remember much after that. I must have been at my tipping point.
The next thing I know, I opened my eyes and I was laying on top of my bed with my boots still on. I remembered having seen NextDoorNeighbor, so I sent him a text apologizing for my drunkeness. He called me right back.
"You weren't that drunk, we had so much fun with you!"
(Okay, so at least they couldn't tell...)
"I'll see you Saturday for the museum," he said.
(Huh? What the fuck is he talking about?)
"Okay..." I told him.
Then I saw I had two voice mails. It was the drunken Narc. I was wondering why he called me so I went back and checked my outgoing texts and saw that I had provoked the whole thing with an "I want to fuck you" message, (although I don't remember doing so).
Anyway, that's pretty much it for now. I have to go teach my second class in 10 minutes. I'm dying to go home and shower and change. I basically rolled out of bed in my clothes from last night and came to teach because I was so short on time this morning. I feel like there's dirt under my fingernails even though I washed my hands a million times. (Should I start psychoanalysing myself?) It's kind of gross. Probably hanging out with Hammer tonight. Some girl time will do me good.
I hate this fucking addiction to Narc though. He's such an ass, but I feel temporarily re-infected. If I can stay sober through the weekend, I should be back to working him out of my system. Wish me luck!
-Hyde
Message #1 (4:14 am)
Hey Hyde, It's Narc. I'm in the cab and this cab is "rock and rolling."
(Can you believe he actually said that? Anyway, it was followed by something totally incoherent. Then...)
I don't know. Um... Yeah.... Um... I don't know what to tell you. Um... Alright. We're done. I know we're done. But I want to fuck you tonight. Um... Yeah, okay, I got to get going. Give me a call back. Bye.
Message #2 (4:32 am)
(sounding a little more sober, but barely!)
Hey Hyde. This is SO STUPID, but um... I don't know. You know what? Honest to God, I just want someone to talk to. It's about 4:30. And um... I just thought... Well, I wanted to talk to you. But your number is famously out of... out of shit, out of shit.
(Huh?)
But anyway, it's 4:30 now. And uh... yeah. (sigh)
Alright, I'll see what I can do. I'll see if I can find some food. Alright. Bye.
Then my phone showed one missed call from him at 4:41 am. I think we have a record here--the first time that getting crazy drunk SAVED me from the Narc. I was passed out into a deep slumber by 2:30 am or so. Now, to be fair to Narc, I did instigate this last night. I texted him around 1:00 am that I wanted to fuck him. Shows how drunk I was... But I can't hate myself too much for that, because I just can't bear to hate myself any more than I already do right now. I woke up this morning STILL drunk (which is making my teaching day hell), and I wrote him back. Probably a mistake. I'm such a loser for this, but here's what I said--
Got ur messages. Sorry I missed u! I KNOW (as u put it) that we're "done," but does that mean we can't fuck now and then? U know what I want & where to find me... ;)
Okay, that message was wrong on SO many levels. First of all, if I'm texting him for sex, then I clearly don't "know" that we're done. And second of all, he has no fucking clue about "what I want." Clearly, I don't either. Ughhhh!!! But what's done is done. One good thing to say though, loving readers. I do have one reason not to beat myself over the head--today is the ONE MONTH anniversary of flushing my medicine down the toilet. Not bad, eh?
But back to my story... How did I end up in such a sorry state? Yesterday was a shitty day for me. I spent five hours in the morning alone in the hospital with my stepbrother. The piece of his skull that they had preserved in his abdomen got infected on Wednesday night and they had to do a surgery to remove it. Now it's lost forever. My stepfather stayed with him overnight and left for work when I arrived around 9:00. I had to stay until my stepsisters arrived at 1:30. There was a lot going on (a clogged food tube, people coming to evaluate him from the long-term care facility, etc.) and I had to keep track of everything since I was the only one there. On top of that, I was reading about art under the Nazis, which was not too cheering. Watching him was so hard. He seems to be in so much pain, but never moves the right side of his body (which makes sense with the massive left-side brain damage). It was awfully depressing.
I left there and headed back to the city around 2:00. I had an annoying cab driver from the hospital to the train station who asked me my name and when I told him, kept saying it over and over, telling me I had a "beautiful name." In the meanwhile I was trying to talk to my mom on my cell to fill her in on what the doctors were saying. Back at home I was too depressed to do much of anything, so I layed around for a while and vegetated. At around 6:00 I talked to Hammer for an hour or so on the phone and then took off for boxing. (God knows where I got the energy for it!)
Back from boxing, I should have gone home. (How many times have I told this story by now?) But instead, I grabbed a book and went to Cheers. I started off by reading and sipping wine. I was hanging out with BarMan for a while. The Colombians showed up (who only work weekends at Cheers), and I started talking to the one who always flirts with me. I drank two martinis and offered to buy him a drink. The old-timer from the other night was there too. He said he "can't speak" for the behavior of Super321. It was a good crowd, but I was still depressed so I drank some more. I was getting bored of it though. It all gets so fucking boring sometimes. I texted my friend Jake. Then I texted NextDoorNeighbor to see if he wanted to meet me for a drink. He showed up an hour or so later with a girl he's seeing. I was already wasted and bought them both drinks. (I think I was buying rounds for the whole fucking bar at that point!) We hung out for a while, and with BarMan too. I honestly don't remember much after that. I must have been at my tipping point.
The next thing I know, I opened my eyes and I was laying on top of my bed with my boots still on. I remembered having seen NextDoorNeighbor, so I sent him a text apologizing for my drunkeness. He called me right back.
"You weren't that drunk, we had so much fun with you!"
(Okay, so at least they couldn't tell...)
"I'll see you Saturday for the museum," he said.
(Huh? What the fuck is he talking about?)
"Okay..." I told him.
Then I saw I had two voice mails. It was the drunken Narc. I was wondering why he called me so I went back and checked my outgoing texts and saw that I had provoked the whole thing with an "I want to fuck you" message, (although I don't remember doing so).
Anyway, that's pretty much it for now. I have to go teach my second class in 10 minutes. I'm dying to go home and shower and change. I basically rolled out of bed in my clothes from last night and came to teach because I was so short on time this morning. I feel like there's dirt under my fingernails even though I washed my hands a million times. (Should I start psychoanalysing myself?) It's kind of gross. Probably hanging out with Hammer tonight. Some girl time will do me good.
I hate this fucking addiction to Narc though. He's such an ass, but I feel temporarily re-infected. If I can stay sober through the weekend, I should be back to working him out of my system. Wish me luck!
-Hyde
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Montag, Dienstag... The Week Kicked Off!
I spent so much time blogging about my fight with Anxious yesterday that I left out everything else, so here it is...
On Monday I had a hair-coloring debacle! Hammer and I had colored our hair on Saturday, but I hadn't had time to let the highlights set. I went back to the drug store on Monday to pick up some highlights, but got seduced by the flame-red hair on a box of Feria. I bought it, and used it and came out with maroon red fake punk-looking hair. I decided to try to make it look more "natural" by putting highlights over it, but I guess that I forgot that when you mix red and yellow you get orange! I came out looking like a clown with the most bright ORANGE hair you can imagine. There was no way I was going to live with that crap on my head for more than an hour. I wrapped my hair up in a scarf and went back to the drug store, buying a box of plain old brown. Now my hair is dark brown with a reddish tint, and actually looks pretty. It's much darker than it was before, but I think it's striking. Yay! Anyway, all the hours with the dye on my head took up a chunk of my afternoon.
After that, I went to the grocery store and came home and started cooking for B. After I finished preparing some of the meal, I went to Cheers. I hung out with BarMan for while. He was telling me some really entertaining stories, like when his ex-girlfriend spiked his drink with coke and gave him two tabs of E, pretending it was some kind of presecription anti-depressent. I was talking to some old-timer who used to be the super at a different building on my block. Some hyper, tattooed kid came in (around my age) who's friends with the old-timer and joined our conversation. It turns out that he's working as the super in the old-timer's former job. He programmed himself into my phone as "Super321." He was really excited to meet me, as he said he doesn't have that many friends in NY. He's only been in town for a few weeks. But I'm sorry, he was hitting on me a little too agressively and I found it irritating. I had no problem telling him that either.
In the meantime, I was getting pretty drunk waiting for B to show up. I started doing shots with Super321 and I continued downing Kettle One-Chambourd-Lime cocktails. Eventually B arrived and was pretty pissed off that I was drunk. I also think he was mad that I made him wait for me to finish my last drink while this guy was all over me. I don't blame him. I was acting like an ass and I'm mad at myself for it.
We went back to my place and I finished cooking dinner (while drunk--brilliant!) and we watched 24. After that, (and I don't remember how it started), I got all emotional and upset--probably because B was mad at me. I started crying and all of these feelings about my brother came flooding out. I was fixated on the idea (sparked by a conversation with Hammer the other day) that what happened to my brother was my fault. I had gone to visit a psychic in the fall and she warned me about all sorts of "demons" around me. I shrugged it off at the time because I don't buy into that stuff, but since then, a lot has been going wrong. I'll recount that whole story in another post, because it was kind of weird. Eventually B and I made up (after enough tears had fallen) and crashed to sleep.
Tuesday morning I was supposed to have German class with Hammer, but our instructor canceled due to illness. As such, I had the morning to fuck around and waste time, which was nice. I went through that whole e-mail exchange with Anxious and psyched myself up about how to deal with it. After class that afternoon ("Stalinism as Civilization") I went to Subway (for a sandwich) with Hammer and got revved up for my 5:00 phone call/confrontation with Anxious. It was fucking FREEZING out yesterday and the walk home was brutal. I decided to take the cross-town bus, but ended up waiting 15 minutes in the whipping wind and probably could have made it home faster on foot.
When Anxious called, she started off immediately with an apology--both for "betraying me" by not telling me about the Narc-masturbation thing and for pressing too hard on staying at my place. It set the right tone and deflated my short-lived anger. It was such a girly fight--basically a two hour long phone conversation about "feelings." I felt good because I stood my ground, and also because I softened to her once I actually heard her voice and it wasn't all over email. The ups and downs of the phone call are way too much to detail here, and besides, you're probably sick of the issue since I bombarded you with our entire email correspondence in yesterday's post. The bottom line is, though, that we're going to try to stick it out as friends and to keep from stepping on each other's toes.
After the phone call, I had to race off to boxing class. I was running about 10 minutes late. Class was fun, once again. We learned the "uppercut" punch and worked on punch combinations. I was psyched all through the class because I had a date with the Stallion at 10:30. When I texted him to confirm, he wrote back that he "wouldn't miss it for the world." I thought it was sweet, so even though the boxing gym is in Narc's neighborhood, it got my mind off him for a while.
I raced home after class and "beautified." Then I went to Cheers to wait for the Stallion. It was REALLY empty because of the freezing weather. BarMan was covering for IrishBird and the only two people there were PumpedUp and FightingMensch. (Later some more people came in, but I was already talking to the Stallion at that point). The boys were acting like jackasses and making dirty jokes and cracking each other up. I tried to "ignore them," but chimed in here and there. Mostly, I just sat there sipping my drinks.
Finally at around 11:00, the Stallion showed up. He totally scooped me up when he came in. We hung out at the bar for about an hour or so. He kissed me a few times and I'm a little embarassed that I did that in front of my bar boys, but whatever... Also, at one point my super came in, and I'm sure he thinks its shady that I was there making out with the Stallion because he used to think of me as such a "good girl." Oh well...
At some point, the Stallion and I decided to call it a night. He said that he wished that I had some "medicine" and despite myself I brainstormed a way to get it, but ended up doing the better thing and not giving in to it. (Yay! Jekyll is growing stronger!)
Back at my house, he drank a lot more SoCo, but I already had a nice buzz so I didn't have any. After that (and during), fucking, fucking and more fucking (don't want to make this blog X-rated, so we'll leave it at that). Finally, we fell asleep. Then more fucking in the middle of the night a few times and in the morning, until finally the alarm went off brutally early at 7:15.
Even though I was sleeping next to the Stallion (and fucking him intermittently all through the night), I kept having dreams about Narc. (I feel sick for still loving him even though the more I think about it, the more I think he is a little psychopathic, in terms of lacking empathy). In one dream, we were at some beach house and he kicked me out of bed and a friend of my friend IronChef's was there and she was waiting to sleep with him or something. I tried to warn her that he's an ass and he got upset at me and told me that I shouldn't speak badly of him or he'd never take me back. I was really upset in the dream, but talk about pathetic... Ughh! I HATE loving him!!!
Anyway, the Stallion and I parted ways this morning at the subway station. He told me that he may be moving back to NY soon. (Uh Oh!) His mother is sick and he's probably going to come back here to take care of her and to run her real estate business. I asked him what that meant for him and his girlfriend. He told me that she'd probably follow him here in a little while. It's weird though. I know he thinks we have some kind of special "connection," but I can't imagine ever being with him on any kind of regular basis, so if he really does move back here, I'll have to make some kind of decision about how to handle it. I don't want to be a permanent "other woman" and screw up his girlfriend's life either...
Anyway, I'm in my office now, getting ready to teach. Have to go make some photocopies and do an attendance roster, so more later...
-Hyde
On Monday I had a hair-coloring debacle! Hammer and I had colored our hair on Saturday, but I hadn't had time to let the highlights set. I went back to the drug store on Monday to pick up some highlights, but got seduced by the flame-red hair on a box of Feria. I bought it, and used it and came out with maroon red fake punk-looking hair. I decided to try to make it look more "natural" by putting highlights over it, but I guess that I forgot that when you mix red and yellow you get orange! I came out looking like a clown with the most bright ORANGE hair you can imagine. There was no way I was going to live with that crap on my head for more than an hour. I wrapped my hair up in a scarf and went back to the drug store, buying a box of plain old brown. Now my hair is dark brown with a reddish tint, and actually looks pretty. It's much darker than it was before, but I think it's striking. Yay! Anyway, all the hours with the dye on my head took up a chunk of my afternoon.
After that, I went to the grocery store and came home and started cooking for B. After I finished preparing some of the meal, I went to Cheers. I hung out with BarMan for while. He was telling me some really entertaining stories, like when his ex-girlfriend spiked his drink with coke and gave him two tabs of E, pretending it was some kind of presecription anti-depressent. I was talking to some old-timer who used to be the super at a different building on my block. Some hyper, tattooed kid came in (around my age) who's friends with the old-timer and joined our conversation. It turns out that he's working as the super in the old-timer's former job. He programmed himself into my phone as "Super321." He was really excited to meet me, as he said he doesn't have that many friends in NY. He's only been in town for a few weeks. But I'm sorry, he was hitting on me a little too agressively and I found it irritating. I had no problem telling him that either.
In the meantime, I was getting pretty drunk waiting for B to show up. I started doing shots with Super321 and I continued downing Kettle One-Chambourd-Lime cocktails. Eventually B arrived and was pretty pissed off that I was drunk. I also think he was mad that I made him wait for me to finish my last drink while this guy was all over me. I don't blame him. I was acting like an ass and I'm mad at myself for it.
We went back to my place and I finished cooking dinner (while drunk--brilliant!) and we watched 24. After that, (and I don't remember how it started), I got all emotional and upset--probably because B was mad at me. I started crying and all of these feelings about my brother came flooding out. I was fixated on the idea (sparked by a conversation with Hammer the other day) that what happened to my brother was my fault. I had gone to visit a psychic in the fall and she warned me about all sorts of "demons" around me. I shrugged it off at the time because I don't buy into that stuff, but since then, a lot has been going wrong. I'll recount that whole story in another post, because it was kind of weird. Eventually B and I made up (after enough tears had fallen) and crashed to sleep.
Tuesday morning I was supposed to have German class with Hammer, but our instructor canceled due to illness. As such, I had the morning to fuck around and waste time, which was nice. I went through that whole e-mail exchange with Anxious and psyched myself up about how to deal with it. After class that afternoon ("Stalinism as Civilization") I went to Subway (for a sandwich) with Hammer and got revved up for my 5:00 phone call/confrontation with Anxious. It was fucking FREEZING out yesterday and the walk home was brutal. I decided to take the cross-town bus, but ended up waiting 15 minutes in the whipping wind and probably could have made it home faster on foot.
When Anxious called, she started off immediately with an apology--both for "betraying me" by not telling me about the Narc-masturbation thing and for pressing too hard on staying at my place. It set the right tone and deflated my short-lived anger. It was such a girly fight--basically a two hour long phone conversation about "feelings." I felt good because I stood my ground, and also because I softened to her once I actually heard her voice and it wasn't all over email. The ups and downs of the phone call are way too much to detail here, and besides, you're probably sick of the issue since I bombarded you with our entire email correspondence in yesterday's post. The bottom line is, though, that we're going to try to stick it out as friends and to keep from stepping on each other's toes.
After the phone call, I had to race off to boxing class. I was running about 10 minutes late. Class was fun, once again. We learned the "uppercut" punch and worked on punch combinations. I was psyched all through the class because I had a date with the Stallion at 10:30. When I texted him to confirm, he wrote back that he "wouldn't miss it for the world." I thought it was sweet, so even though the boxing gym is in Narc's neighborhood, it got my mind off him for a while.
I raced home after class and "beautified." Then I went to Cheers to wait for the Stallion. It was REALLY empty because of the freezing weather. BarMan was covering for IrishBird and the only two people there were PumpedUp and FightingMensch. (Later some more people came in, but I was already talking to the Stallion at that point). The boys were acting like jackasses and making dirty jokes and cracking each other up. I tried to "ignore them," but chimed in here and there. Mostly, I just sat there sipping my drinks.
Finally at around 11:00, the Stallion showed up. He totally scooped me up when he came in. We hung out at the bar for about an hour or so. He kissed me a few times and I'm a little embarassed that I did that in front of my bar boys, but whatever... Also, at one point my super came in, and I'm sure he thinks its shady that I was there making out with the Stallion because he used to think of me as such a "good girl." Oh well...
At some point, the Stallion and I decided to call it a night. He said that he wished that I had some "medicine" and despite myself I brainstormed a way to get it, but ended up doing the better thing and not giving in to it. (Yay! Jekyll is growing stronger!)
Back at my house, he drank a lot more SoCo, but I already had a nice buzz so I didn't have any. After that (and during), fucking, fucking and more fucking (don't want to make this blog X-rated, so we'll leave it at that). Finally, we fell asleep. Then more fucking in the middle of the night a few times and in the morning, until finally the alarm went off brutally early at 7:15.
Even though I was sleeping next to the Stallion (and fucking him intermittently all through the night), I kept having dreams about Narc. (I feel sick for still loving him even though the more I think about it, the more I think he is a little psychopathic, in terms of lacking empathy). In one dream, we were at some beach house and he kicked me out of bed and a friend of my friend IronChef's was there and she was waiting to sleep with him or something. I tried to warn her that he's an ass and he got upset at me and told me that I shouldn't speak badly of him or he'd never take me back. I was really upset in the dream, but talk about pathetic... Ughh! I HATE loving him!!!
Anyway, the Stallion and I parted ways this morning at the subway station. He told me that he may be moving back to NY soon. (Uh Oh!) His mother is sick and he's probably going to come back here to take care of her and to run her real estate business. I asked him what that meant for him and his girlfriend. He told me that she'd probably follow him here in a little while. It's weird though. I know he thinks we have some kind of special "connection," but I can't imagine ever being with him on any kind of regular basis, so if he really does move back here, I'll have to make some kind of decision about how to handle it. I don't want to be a permanent "other woman" and screw up his girlfriend's life either...
Anyway, I'm in my office now, getting ready to teach. Have to go make some photocopies and do an attendance roster, so more later...
-Hyde
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Monday's Masturbation E-mail Fight
Yesterday was a dramatic day. I got in a huge e-mail fight with Anxious, got drunk early in the evening, cooked B a delicious spaghetti dinner and suffered several crying fits before the night was through.
Let's start with the Anxious thing. Loyal readers of my blog may have picked up on this from my March 1st "Letter to Narc," but there was a strange incident involving masturbation between Anxious and Narc. I didn't hear about this from either of them. Instead, I was told about it by another close friend, GoldenFinch, who called me after Anxious visited her last weekend.
Basically, what GoldenFinch told me is that on Valentine's Day, when I was out at my voice lesson that Narc came out of my bedroom naked, sat on the pull-out sofa bed and masturbated while conducting a "normal" conversation with Anxious. I was pretty upset that Anxious didn't tell me about it and I had to find a way to bring it up to her. However, GoldenFinch made me promise not to tell Anxious that she told me, so I decided to tell Anxious that Narc told me about it himself. To make matters worse between me and Anxious, she has been pressuring me to let her stay at my house while she gets settled in the city and starts temping. I told her a few times that it's too difficult for me right now, going through everything with my brother and all, but she hasn't taken the hint. I avoided returning her calls and emails for the past week or so, but finally made myself do it on Sunday night. I'll give you guys some excerpts of the email exchanges that followed.
***************
Hi Anxious,
(First I gave her an update on my brother...)
Then...
I know that you said that you needed a place to stay for a few days, and I feel terrible about this, but I really can't handle having a house guest right now. I just need my private space. I've been having sleep problems, etc. If you need a place to crash overnight, that's one thing, but a longer stay is just too much for me right now. I'm sure you understand. What's happening in my family is the most awful thing there is.
(Then some chit-chat about a mutual friend...)
Then...
Also, I know I told you about the Narc thing (which is honestly the least of my worries, but is lingering on my mind) and there's one thing I wanted to ask you before massive amounts of time go by. Narc told me about how it was when I was out at my voice lesson. Not that there's any point to it at this point, but I was wondering what happened according to you--just for peace of mind.
-Hyde
*********************
Excerpts from her response:
(On staying at my place:)
I *do* understand and you know I HATE to ask anything of anybody and wouldn't unless I really needed it. I just don't know how else to get back on my feet...and I NEED to get back on my feet. I can't find a job, but at least with a temp job I can move out, hopefully. But the thing is, they don't give you a week or two to find housing before you start a temp job; it's "come in tomorrow," and that's what's hanging me up. It's too far to drive from here. I definitely don't want to be a "houseguest," with the responsibility that implies, or impose. If I could crash for a night or two, that would be wonderful. I wish I had thought to do this when Scotland and I were together and I could've stayed with him, but who knew it would end so suddenly? I know the timing is awful and I totally understand the need for private space and I don't want to be a burden. I do understand. I guess if worst came to worst, I could try to find the $$ to stay in a hostel. I wanted to ask you first because a) you had offered, b) it seemed the sort of things friends do for each other (although I realize these are exceptional circumstances and bad timing and can't blame you for not being able to right now), and c) you might even be insulted if I was staying in a hostel instead. I've been sensitive to the fact that you're really overburdened lately. There have been a couple of nights when I've had to drive home from class really late in snowstorms, and it's been terrifying, and I had the thought to call you up and ask if I could crash at your place instead. And I know that normally, of course you'd be fine with that -- even enjoy the unexpected company, as I would myself if the shoe were on the other foot. But I don't want to ask anything more than I absolutely have to right now. I've been having sleep problems too. I just keep on waking up early. I can't sleep enough, no matter when I go to bed. I've got too much on my mind. Guess you're going through the same thing.
(This pissed me off on so many levels. First of all, we're SO NOT "going through the same thing." Second of all, she's saying that she "hates to ask" and "understands" my situation, but I alreay told her "no" and she's continuing to pressure me!)
(Now, her response to the Narc-masturbation thing:)
Aha. I was debating whether to say anything to you, and decided against it -- given the recent fragility of our relationship, I didn't want to throw any weird triangles into the mix. And I figured that if I accused him of anything, he might deny it or lie in some way that made me look bad, and then you'd be mad at me and that would be awful...I can't believe he would tell you about that. It only makes HIM look bad, unless he told you something that wasn't the truth! It was QUITE weird, and I was appalled. I figured it would upset you so I kept quiet about it.
Okay, here goes. He got up that afternoon and wandered out naked, which didn't faze me all that much because he was wandering around naked the night before and nudity doesn't bother me, although I do think it's slightly weird when your lover is right there to be naked in front of another girl. Anyhow, he sat on your barstool and smoked a couple of cigarettes, naked, while I bustled around fully clothed putting on makeup and arranging my stuff. Then he wandered over to the bed, lay down...and began to masturbate. He kept this up for quite some time. (That's why I didn't make up the bed, which I would normally do as a houseguest; I couldn't get near it.) I had math homework to do and was sitting at your desk doing it.
At some points I had to get up and walk across the room to get things and I just had no idea what to do, so I pretended nothing was unusual and just kept up the conversation as if he were wearing a business suit. It was not, by the way, a sexy conversation of any kind, which was why the whole thing was so odd. He just kept touching himself for the longest time. I have to say, I'm not all that fazed by nudity or even sex in public, but masturbation strikes me as being a really private thing and I thought it was extremely odd, to say the least.
I was wondering if he was trying to come on to me or provoke me or something. I had no idea, so I just totally ignored it and kept making references to "Hyde should be home really soon" so he'd put clothes on. When you called to say you were running late, I was like, Oh, great. I thought it was, how shall I put it, in bad taste to come on to someone who was obviously in such a fragile and vulnerable state as I was, and in the apartment of the woman he was seeing, no less. But I didn't see any point in getting mad about it. I was all alone with him and he's a big guy and I didn't want to start any kind of confrontation, so I tried to stay casual. (If he WAS trying to come on to me, that strikes me as being a weird way to do it. I'm really turned off watching men masturbate. I prefer they do it in private.)
That's the entire story of what happened while you were at your voice lesson -- no more, no less. I can't *imagine* why he'd tell you about that. Or did he tell you something else? Anyhow, that's part of what led me to describe him as destructive and untrustworthy, and to urge you to use a condom with him. Whatever kind of arrangement you two have, I can't imagine that it includes masturbating in front of friends!
(Then she goes on about a few other things)
-Anxious
*********************
Anyway, I wrote back to her from my office yesterday morning. Here's some excerpts from that:
*********************
Hey,
When I asked you what you thought of him, I wondered if you would mention the situation. I think it's strange that not knowing what his intentions were, you said that he was
"not the slightest bit malicious. He is, however, honest -- about that everything else. He is not deceptive. He is really fond of you, but not up for a serious relationship at this moment, and he is honest about that too."
You went on to say:
"I liked him a whole lot more than I expected to, given the picture you'd painted of him. (I think, in my reckless and un-self-censoring state of mind that night, I made that quite clear to him, too! He had the graciousness not to take offense, for which I give him credit.)"
He doesn't care about people's feelings. He's strangely unempathetic but knows how to put on the right masks at the right times. I KNOW that he did the naked-masterbation thing because he likes to make people uncomfortable and wanted to watch you squirm a bit and because he wanted to laugh at both of us later. YOU didn't know that though. He thought the whole thing was really funny--pitting two friends against each other. It's a power thing. I guess I'm mad that you let him put that kind of divide between us and that you let him make me look stupid like that.
But while he thought it was funny, I can't imagine what YOU were thinking and why you didn't mention it to me! I remember when I called on my way home that day that you sounded strange on the phone and I even asked you what was going on because you were laughing nervously and kept giving me "yes" and "no" answers, yet you assured me that nothing was wrong. Why didn't you say something?
HELLO?!?!?! NARC WAS TRYING TO HUMILIATE ME.
WHY didn't you go in the other room, or tell him that he was being inappropriate or go for a walk or give me a call? Or do anything to get out of the situation? I know he's a "big guy," as you say, but I've known him for eight months and I don't think he would have attacked you and raped you if you excused yoursef. Even if you didn't want to leave (b/c I asked you not to leave him alone in my apartment), you could have said something to me right away. Instead, when I walked into the room, I was made a fool of. Why didn't you pull me aside right away and tell me that he had been inappropriate so that I could have some control of the situation? Instead, I ended up being an idiot in his stupid game, exactly like he wanted.
Also, you don't know him at all, so as far as you were concerned, he could have been sincerely coming on to you (although in a very unattractive way, I agree), but if he were hitting on you, I also should have known about it, n'est pas?
(blah, blah, blah...I'm skipping some parts here, but I basically tell her that he plays those sort of games with me non-stop and it wasn't about HER that day, but about Narc being an asshole to ME...)
He's more intentionally mean to me than he would be to anyone else, including a stranger. (Hence, why he was so nice to you, but kept dicking me around that weekend). I mean, even our conversation at Manchester pub was full of pointed hidden messages to me. (He was telling you that there's "no excuse" for a guy not to return your calls... Narc and I had been in a fight about that just two days before, and he said it to get to me, not to be nice to you.) His actions that day (and on Sunday at the bar) were all about his fucked up feelings for me. But the point is that you didn't necessarily know that, and you didn't say something either way.
It doesn't matter anymore because we're "broken up" for the forseeable future and he's a jack-ass and a bit of a misogynist all rolled up into one (just my type, right?) so there's no point in dwelling on it, but that said, it's been bothering me for a few weeks now because as friends, we HAVE to be able to trust each other, right? The incident made me feel stupid, and I feel like you should have said something as soon as I came in. I don't want to start a new fight with you or anything, but I can't understand this one.
(Then, onto the issue of my apartment:)
As for staying at my place, I suppose I can handle one to two nights max if you're really in an emergency. I don't want to be a bitch about it, and I do understand that you need the space, but I have to assert my own needs here too. I mean, if you didn't have me in the city, you would figure SOMETHING else out, so there have to be other possibilities, and I am going through a major family crisis. I just have so much pressing on me, and I don't think it's entirely fair of you to persist in asking for my help right now. That said, I'm always there for my friends at the bottom line, and if you are that desperate, I can try. Which nights were you thinking? I can try to work something out (but I can't promise).
Anyway, this email turned out much longer than expected and I'm really running late now. We can continue and figure this stuff out later.
Talk to you soon...
-Hyde
**************************
Her response to me:
Okay...this is really not cool!
This is the whole reason I didn't tell you. I did absolutely nothing wrong here, and yet you're mad at me. I worried that would happen. Look, I was a houseguest in your home. I expected to spend time with you -- not Narc. Yet I saw more of Narc than you. That's fine. But I was put into an enormously uncomfortable situation. That's not my fault. Did it ever occur to you that you might apologize to *me* for my having been in such an uncomfortable situation while a guest in your home? Nobody I wasn't dating has ever gotten naked and masturbated in front of me before, Hyde. I had no idea how to handle the situation, so I ignored it. I worried that, given the fragility of our relationship lately, you might somehow get jealous that he was coming on to me, and take it out on me. I figured I'd tell you at some point, but in person, so it wouldn't be misinterpreted and we could talk about it. It made me really, really uncomfortable. I mean, that's so far outside the bounds of what I expect to happen when I stay at a friend's house.
I don't think you should be angry at me. I know you've been going through a difficult time and I didn't want to bring up one more upsetting thing, especially a) not knowing what's going on with him and b) worried that you'd misinterpret things. You know, I could have been upset with you for leaving me alone with someone who does stuff like that. But I'm not. I figure, whatever. I had no idea he was playing mindgames or humiliating you, but to get angry with me because my silence allowed him to "win" is ridiculous, and unfair. How was I supposed to know what kind of crazy game he was playing? This whole thing is way more fucked up and complicated than I thought. I thought it was straightforward -- he was coming on to me behind your back -- and I thought if I ignored it, it would be best for everyone, and I planned to tell you at some point in person because it's kind of delicate. I had no idea he was doing it to jab at you. I had NO idea that he was setting up some sort of bizarre game where he and I were "in the know" against you.
Please! This is RIDICULOUS. Nobody I know THINKS that way. It's just nuts. But you should not allow someone so evil to come between us. I would never do anything to hurt or upset you, and I was so dumbfounded, I'm still processing it. I didn't know what the hell to think. You should be mad at him, not me. As for him not being malicious...well, now it is abundantly clear that he is. The nice things I said about him were about me trying to find something nice to say about the man you loved. Also, I only had a surface impression of him, after all. I thought he was being a horny ass, but I didn't realize how malicious he was being -- how could I?
You've known him for 8 months but didn't trust him alone in your apartment; I didn't know what you meant by that, but I figured, Hmmm, she doesn't trust him alone with her stuff! And a guy who'll masturbate in front of his girlfriend's friend, whom he just met, is so far outside the bounds of normal appropriate behavior that I was, frankly, a little nervous. I worried that he might get physical with me or try to force something and didn't want to chance it by confronting him. I think you can understand that. I mean...I just have NO experience with this kind of situation! (Thankfully.) ...
His mindgames are NOT my problem...I had no idea what was going on!
...I wanted to tell you in person because it's so easy to misinterpret tone in an e-mail. I thought we'd see each other again soon. Also, it's not as if he were your boyfriend or husband -- in that case, if you catch the guy misbehaving, the woman definitely ought to know as soon as possible. But I was under the impression that you were just fuckbuddies and he was probably sleeping with other people, as were you. But I've heard several different opinions on this kind of thing -- should you tell your friend her man is misbehaving, or not? What if she takes her anger out on you instead of him? Etc. -- so it wasn't obvious to me what I should do. Some women sincerely don't want to know. I was planning to tell you in person, though...and I certainly wasn't going to bring it up now, with all the other stress you've got going on. Okay, that's enough about Narc. I love you and don't want you to be angry at me.
As for staying at your place, I won't ask again. I don't like to be in a position where I'm begging. I always thought that would be the sort of things friends would easily do for each other, and I've rarely asked a favor. When I say there's almost nothing I wouldn't do for my friends, I mean it. If any of my friends ever needed a place to crash, my spare room would be available indefinitely. I've had many, many people offer their couches to me to stay while I job-hunt -- people I hardly know, friends of my parents, my sister, even my friends in Barcelona. You happen to be the only person in Manhattan, besides being my closest friend, so I asked you. And you had offered to let me stay for a week back in Nov. or Dec. That's why I asked now; I'm finally ready to take you up on it.
That said, I do understand what you're going through. You've got so much going on, and it's all really draining, and you can't take on anything else right now. It *would* be an imposition, so I'm not going to ask again. I don't ever want to press for a favor. That's rude. If someone kindly offers something, that's one thing. I even thought it might be a nice thing right now for you to have someone there with you. As you said, what would I do if I didn't have you? Well, of course, if I didn't have friends, I'd have to find an alternative way to do things, and I will. But I do have friends, or at least I think I have friends, so I asked my friend for a favor first. When the chips are down, you turn to your friends. If they aren't there for you, you find another solution and learn a lesson.
I do understand how horrible your situation is right now, what with your brother and your family. Look, all I've ever tried to do is be a good friend. I've never taken advantage of anyone, never betrayed anyone, never been rude to anyone. Please don't let some idiot guy come between us -- and please try to understand my situation as well. Maybe we can talk by phone? I never am able to reach you; are you ever home?
Let's talk...
-Anxious
**********************
Now I was really pissed off! My response to her:
Anxious,
I do think it's best if we talk in person or at least on the phone. I'm spilling over with feelings right now and I don't want this email to come out wrong. But I do have to respond.
First of all, on Narc--It's not like I'm mad at you INSTEAD of him. I'm mad at both of you. And even though he called us "fuck buddies," you know that he's been someone I've been talking about for a while and someone who's played a significant role in my life. The truth of the matter is that we had been seeing each other exclusively since November and he told me that he loves me as early as late September. The details of our relationship shouldn't matter though. A guy I'm with did something sexual in your presence, and I should have known about it from you.
Obviously you're not responsible for him acting like an ass, but I strongly l think you should have said something to me straight out. Girls have to stick together. If he was "deceiving" me on any level, it's incredibly disempowering to not have that information and to not be able to make a choice about how to deal with it. I think it's just plain weird for you to have had clearly negative information about someone I'm in a relationship with and not tell me about it. Just to protect yourself from my "awful wrath?" You should know that we can talk things out no matter what. You should trust our friendship enough to believe that I know you and that I know him and I know which one of you is the asshole and which one is the long-term friend. You say you "did absolutely nothing wrong here," and I agree in terms of what went down while I wasn't there. In fact, if you had told me right away I would have been extremely apologetic to you (even though I'm not responsible for his erratic behavior). But I think it was very wrong not to tell me about it as soon as possible--as in as soon as I walked in the door that afternoon. It makes me sick to think that I was on the phone with you while he was doing that and you didn't say ANYTHING!
As for staying at my place, I think it's INCREDIBLY unfair of you to imply that I'm a bad friend for asserting myself. Well, I'm sorry for being a piece of shit. You're obviously such a superior person. After all, if any of your friends need a place, "your spare room would be available indefinitely." It's so very clear what you're implying when you say that you have so "many, many people offer their couches" to you while you job hunt, including "people you hardly know." I'm a shit friend. I'm selfish. I'm not there for those I love. I've disappointed you. Even mere acquaintences treat you better.
Well, FUCK THAT. First of all, I don't have a "spare room." My living room is my living space. Second of all, please don't insult me like that. I have always been there for those I love and I always will be. That doesn't mean that it has to come at my own expense when my brother is lying brain-dead and fighting for his life. Who's the selfish one here?
You say that you "understand what I'm going through," but you obviously have NO FUCKING CLUE what this is like. If you did, you would be asking what you can do for ME instead of asking what I can do for YOU. If you understood even a little, you certainly wouldn't imply that I'm a bad friend for needing my own space in which to cope with an excrutiating painful and difficult situation.
I really don't want to be in a fight with you. I'm willing to forget all about the Narc thing and move on because I said my bit, and I know that you heard me. I know that you weren't trying to hurt me, but I hope should this (bizarre incident) ever happen again, you would repsond differently. He's a dick and there's no point in dwelling on it. I am, however, really upset right now at the tone of your emails to me, especially in terms of the apartment thing. To tell you the truth, I can't fucking deal with this right now and you clearly have no idea what this is like for me.
That said, let's talk soon because I don't want this to fester and turn bad. I'm hard pressed for "down-time" these days, but should be home tomorrow between my class and before boxing (so from 5:00-7:00-ish). Is that a good time to talk?
Hyde
********************
Her response (which I read this morning):
I can't take all this fighting. I'm going through a difficult time right now and I don't like fighting. So yes, I want to talk.
(In terms of how I said she called me a bad friend, etc.): Oh, come on, I never said any of that. If I implied it I'm sorry. But I sure as heck didn't mean it to sound that way. You misunderstand -- I'm just explaining why I thought it was okay to ask. It just didn't seem like such a big deal because so many people said, "Hey, if you need a place to stay, you can crash with me/my daughter/etc. for a week." So I was just saying that to explain why I thought it wasn't that big a deal to ask. It's HARD to ask favors. I only do it when I'm desperate. Can you understand that? That's why I bent over backwards with justifications for why I thought it was okay to ask. Oh, come on. Neither of us is selfish. Just worked up.
(In terms of how I say she should be asking "what she can do for ME"): Excuse me -- but I have been all along. I've called you often to ask how you were. I've always asked if there was anything I could do. And I would do anything for you. But you don't need anything from me. You have all the emotional and financial resources you need from your family, and you've never really called on me in need. I wish you would. You would really find out how much I do care.
I didn't call you a bad friend. I'm disappointed that you can't be there for me when I need you, but I also thought I made it clear -- and if I didn't, I'm making it clear now -- that I understand why you can't. You have to take care of yourself first. Everybody does. And right now you don't have anything to offer anyone else. I do understand that. You're not a shit friend, come on.
(On Narc): Frankly, I didn't understand the situation AT ALL. I didn't understand your relationship, his intentions, any of it. There is no set rule for how to respond, and I've never been put in that situation before. I wanted to talk about it, but recall that just two days later, you started dealing with this stuff with your brother, and I had no idea you'd want to hear more bad stuff on top of that, so I figured it could wait until we saw each other. (I have to add that it was NOT just two days later, but more like 10!) Maybe we should have ground rules for what to do when the man you're seeing does something totally inappropriate. I just never dealt with a situation like that before. Some women want to know everything; others definitely prefer to turn a blind eye; and still others say they want to know, then shoot the messenger.
Hyde, you need to realize that I didn't know which category you fell into here.
Or maybe I should've just fucked him while you were at your lesson, as long as you were going to get mad at both of us.
Guess what? My life is hard too and it's been harder lately because my erstwhile best friend keeps picking fights with me. I can't deal with it either. And I realize I sounded really testy about the apartment thing. But we can talk about that tomorrow too.
It's already bad. I'm hurt and pissed off and really getting tired of people getting mad at me for what strikes me as no good reason. But let's talk tomorrow around 5. I mean, at least you're telling me you're mad at me. That's progress. E-mail exchanges like these, by the way, are EXACTLY why I was waiting to talk to you about your shit-ass boyfriend in person. Just shooting daggers back and forth really doesn't go anywhere.
-Anxious
************************
Well, I'm a sucker, so I wrote back a quickie:
Let's start with the Anxious thing. Loyal readers of my blog may have picked up on this from my March 1st "Letter to Narc," but there was a strange incident involving masturbation between Anxious and Narc. I didn't hear about this from either of them. Instead, I was told about it by another close friend, GoldenFinch, who called me after Anxious visited her last weekend.
Basically, what GoldenFinch told me is that on Valentine's Day, when I was out at my voice lesson that Narc came out of my bedroom naked, sat on the pull-out sofa bed and masturbated while conducting a "normal" conversation with Anxious. I was pretty upset that Anxious didn't tell me about it and I had to find a way to bring it up to her. However, GoldenFinch made me promise not to tell Anxious that she told me, so I decided to tell Anxious that Narc told me about it himself. To make matters worse between me and Anxious, she has been pressuring me to let her stay at my house while she gets settled in the city and starts temping. I told her a few times that it's too difficult for me right now, going through everything with my brother and all, but she hasn't taken the hint. I avoided returning her calls and emails for the past week or so, but finally made myself do it on Sunday night. I'll give you guys some excerpts of the email exchanges that followed.
***************
Hi Anxious,
(First I gave her an update on my brother...)
Then...
I know that you said that you needed a place to stay for a few days, and I feel terrible about this, but I really can't handle having a house guest right now. I just need my private space. I've been having sleep problems, etc. If you need a place to crash overnight, that's one thing, but a longer stay is just too much for me right now. I'm sure you understand. What's happening in my family is the most awful thing there is.
(Then some chit-chat about a mutual friend...)
Then...
Also, I know I told you about the Narc thing (which is honestly the least of my worries, but is lingering on my mind) and there's one thing I wanted to ask you before massive amounts of time go by. Narc told me about how it was when I was out at my voice lesson. Not that there's any point to it at this point, but I was wondering what happened according to you--just for peace of mind.
-Hyde
*********************
Excerpts from her response:
(On staying at my place:)
I *do* understand and you know I HATE to ask anything of anybody and wouldn't unless I really needed it. I just don't know how else to get back on my feet...and I NEED to get back on my feet. I can't find a job, but at least with a temp job I can move out, hopefully. But the thing is, they don't give you a week or two to find housing before you start a temp job; it's "come in tomorrow," and that's what's hanging me up. It's too far to drive from here. I definitely don't want to be a "houseguest," with the responsibility that implies, or impose. If I could crash for a night or two, that would be wonderful. I wish I had thought to do this when Scotland and I were together and I could've stayed with him, but who knew it would end so suddenly? I know the timing is awful and I totally understand the need for private space and I don't want to be a burden. I do understand. I guess if worst came to worst, I could try to find the $$ to stay in a hostel. I wanted to ask you first because a) you had offered, b) it seemed the sort of things friends do for each other (although I realize these are exceptional circumstances and bad timing and can't blame you for not being able to right now), and c) you might even be insulted if I was staying in a hostel instead. I've been sensitive to the fact that you're really overburdened lately. There have been a couple of nights when I've had to drive home from class really late in snowstorms, and it's been terrifying, and I had the thought to call you up and ask if I could crash at your place instead. And I know that normally, of course you'd be fine with that -- even enjoy the unexpected company, as I would myself if the shoe were on the other foot. But I don't want to ask anything more than I absolutely have to right now. I've been having sleep problems too. I just keep on waking up early. I can't sleep enough, no matter when I go to bed. I've got too much on my mind. Guess you're going through the same thing.
(This pissed me off on so many levels. First of all, we're SO NOT "going through the same thing." Second of all, she's saying that she "hates to ask" and "understands" my situation, but I alreay told her "no" and she's continuing to pressure me!)
(Now, her response to the Narc-masturbation thing:)
Aha. I was debating whether to say anything to you, and decided against it -- given the recent fragility of our relationship, I didn't want to throw any weird triangles into the mix. And I figured that if I accused him of anything, he might deny it or lie in some way that made me look bad, and then you'd be mad at me and that would be awful...I can't believe he would tell you about that. It only makes HIM look bad, unless he told you something that wasn't the truth! It was QUITE weird, and I was appalled. I figured it would upset you so I kept quiet about it.
Okay, here goes. He got up that afternoon and wandered out naked, which didn't faze me all that much because he was wandering around naked the night before and nudity doesn't bother me, although I do think it's slightly weird when your lover is right there to be naked in front of another girl. Anyhow, he sat on your barstool and smoked a couple of cigarettes, naked, while I bustled around fully clothed putting on makeup and arranging my stuff. Then he wandered over to the bed, lay down...and began to masturbate. He kept this up for quite some time. (That's why I didn't make up the bed, which I would normally do as a houseguest; I couldn't get near it.) I had math homework to do and was sitting at your desk doing it.
At some points I had to get up and walk across the room to get things and I just had no idea what to do, so I pretended nothing was unusual and just kept up the conversation as if he were wearing a business suit. It was not, by the way, a sexy conversation of any kind, which was why the whole thing was so odd. He just kept touching himself for the longest time. I have to say, I'm not all that fazed by nudity or even sex in public, but masturbation strikes me as being a really private thing and I thought it was extremely odd, to say the least.
I was wondering if he was trying to come on to me or provoke me or something. I had no idea, so I just totally ignored it and kept making references to "Hyde should be home really soon" so he'd put clothes on. When you called to say you were running late, I was like, Oh, great. I thought it was, how shall I put it, in bad taste to come on to someone who was obviously in such a fragile and vulnerable state as I was, and in the apartment of the woman he was seeing, no less. But I didn't see any point in getting mad about it. I was all alone with him and he's a big guy and I didn't want to start any kind of confrontation, so I tried to stay casual. (If he WAS trying to come on to me, that strikes me as being a weird way to do it. I'm really turned off watching men masturbate. I prefer they do it in private.)
That's the entire story of what happened while you were at your voice lesson -- no more, no less. I can't *imagine* why he'd tell you about that. Or did he tell you something else? Anyhow, that's part of what led me to describe him as destructive and untrustworthy, and to urge you to use a condom with him. Whatever kind of arrangement you two have, I can't imagine that it includes masturbating in front of friends!
(Then she goes on about a few other things)
-Anxious
*********************
Anyway, I wrote back to her from my office yesterday morning. Here's some excerpts from that:
*********************
Hey,
When I asked you what you thought of him, I wondered if you would mention the situation. I think it's strange that not knowing what his intentions were, you said that he was
"not the slightest bit malicious. He is, however, honest -- about that everything else. He is not deceptive. He is really fond of you, but not up for a serious relationship at this moment, and he is honest about that too."
You went on to say:
"I liked him a whole lot more than I expected to, given the picture you'd painted of him. (I think, in my reckless and un-self-censoring state of mind that night, I made that quite clear to him, too! He had the graciousness not to take offense, for which I give him credit.)"
He doesn't care about people's feelings. He's strangely unempathetic but knows how to put on the right masks at the right times. I KNOW that he did the naked-masterbation thing because he likes to make people uncomfortable and wanted to watch you squirm a bit and because he wanted to laugh at both of us later. YOU didn't know that though. He thought the whole thing was really funny--pitting two friends against each other. It's a power thing. I guess I'm mad that you let him put that kind of divide between us and that you let him make me look stupid like that.
But while he thought it was funny, I can't imagine what YOU were thinking and why you didn't mention it to me! I remember when I called on my way home that day that you sounded strange on the phone and I even asked you what was going on because you were laughing nervously and kept giving me "yes" and "no" answers, yet you assured me that nothing was wrong. Why didn't you say something?
HELLO?!?!?! NARC WAS TRYING TO HUMILIATE ME.
WHY didn't you go in the other room, or tell him that he was being inappropriate or go for a walk or give me a call? Or do anything to get out of the situation? I know he's a "big guy," as you say, but I've known him for eight months and I don't think he would have attacked you and raped you if you excused yoursef. Even if you didn't want to leave (b/c I asked you not to leave him alone in my apartment), you could have said something to me right away. Instead, when I walked into the room, I was made a fool of. Why didn't you pull me aside right away and tell me that he had been inappropriate so that I could have some control of the situation? Instead, I ended up being an idiot in his stupid game, exactly like he wanted.
Also, you don't know him at all, so as far as you were concerned, he could have been sincerely coming on to you (although in a very unattractive way, I agree), but if he were hitting on you, I also should have known about it, n'est pas?
(blah, blah, blah...I'm skipping some parts here, but I basically tell her that he plays those sort of games with me non-stop and it wasn't about HER that day, but about Narc being an asshole to ME...)
He's more intentionally mean to me than he would be to anyone else, including a stranger. (Hence, why he was so nice to you, but kept dicking me around that weekend). I mean, even our conversation at Manchester pub was full of pointed hidden messages to me. (He was telling you that there's "no excuse" for a guy not to return your calls... Narc and I had been in a fight about that just two days before, and he said it to get to me, not to be nice to you.) His actions that day (and on Sunday at the bar) were all about his fucked up feelings for me. But the point is that you didn't necessarily know that, and you didn't say something either way.
It doesn't matter anymore because we're "broken up" for the forseeable future and he's a jack-ass and a bit of a misogynist all rolled up into one (just my type, right?) so there's no point in dwelling on it, but that said, it's been bothering me for a few weeks now because as friends, we HAVE to be able to trust each other, right? The incident made me feel stupid, and I feel like you should have said something as soon as I came in. I don't want to start a new fight with you or anything, but I can't understand this one.
(Then, onto the issue of my apartment:)
As for staying at my place, I suppose I can handle one to two nights max if you're really in an emergency. I don't want to be a bitch about it, and I do understand that you need the space, but I have to assert my own needs here too. I mean, if you didn't have me in the city, you would figure SOMETHING else out, so there have to be other possibilities, and I am going through a major family crisis. I just have so much pressing on me, and I don't think it's entirely fair of you to persist in asking for my help right now. That said, I'm always there for my friends at the bottom line, and if you are that desperate, I can try. Which nights were you thinking? I can try to work something out (but I can't promise).
Anyway, this email turned out much longer than expected and I'm really running late now. We can continue and figure this stuff out later.
Talk to you soon...
-Hyde
**************************
Her response to me:
Okay...this is really not cool!
This is the whole reason I didn't tell you. I did absolutely nothing wrong here, and yet you're mad at me. I worried that would happen. Look, I was a houseguest in your home. I expected to spend time with you -- not Narc. Yet I saw more of Narc than you. That's fine. But I was put into an enormously uncomfortable situation. That's not my fault. Did it ever occur to you that you might apologize to *me* for my having been in such an uncomfortable situation while a guest in your home? Nobody I wasn't dating has ever gotten naked and masturbated in front of me before, Hyde. I had no idea how to handle the situation, so I ignored it. I worried that, given the fragility of our relationship lately, you might somehow get jealous that he was coming on to me, and take it out on me. I figured I'd tell you at some point, but in person, so it wouldn't be misinterpreted and we could talk about it. It made me really, really uncomfortable. I mean, that's so far outside the bounds of what I expect to happen when I stay at a friend's house.
I don't think you should be angry at me. I know you've been going through a difficult time and I didn't want to bring up one more upsetting thing, especially a) not knowing what's going on with him and b) worried that you'd misinterpret things. You know, I could have been upset with you for leaving me alone with someone who does stuff like that. But I'm not. I figure, whatever. I had no idea he was playing mindgames or humiliating you, but to get angry with me because my silence allowed him to "win" is ridiculous, and unfair. How was I supposed to know what kind of crazy game he was playing? This whole thing is way more fucked up and complicated than I thought. I thought it was straightforward -- he was coming on to me behind your back -- and I thought if I ignored it, it would be best for everyone, and I planned to tell you at some point in person because it's kind of delicate. I had no idea he was doing it to jab at you. I had NO idea that he was setting up some sort of bizarre game where he and I were "in the know" against you.
Please! This is RIDICULOUS. Nobody I know THINKS that way. It's just nuts. But you should not allow someone so evil to come between us. I would never do anything to hurt or upset you, and I was so dumbfounded, I'm still processing it. I didn't know what the hell to think. You should be mad at him, not me. As for him not being malicious...well, now it is abundantly clear that he is. The nice things I said about him were about me trying to find something nice to say about the man you loved. Also, I only had a surface impression of him, after all. I thought he was being a horny ass, but I didn't realize how malicious he was being -- how could I?
You've known him for 8 months but didn't trust him alone in your apartment; I didn't know what you meant by that, but I figured, Hmmm, she doesn't trust him alone with her stuff! And a guy who'll masturbate in front of his girlfriend's friend, whom he just met, is so far outside the bounds of normal appropriate behavior that I was, frankly, a little nervous. I worried that he might get physical with me or try to force something and didn't want to chance it by confronting him. I think you can understand that. I mean...I just have NO experience with this kind of situation! (Thankfully.) ...
His mindgames are NOT my problem...I had no idea what was going on!
...I wanted to tell you in person because it's so easy to misinterpret tone in an e-mail. I thought we'd see each other again soon. Also, it's not as if he were your boyfriend or husband -- in that case, if you catch the guy misbehaving, the woman definitely ought to know as soon as possible. But I was under the impression that you were just fuckbuddies and he was probably sleeping with other people, as were you. But I've heard several different opinions on this kind of thing -- should you tell your friend her man is misbehaving, or not? What if she takes her anger out on you instead of him? Etc. -- so it wasn't obvious to me what I should do. Some women sincerely don't want to know. I was planning to tell you in person, though...and I certainly wasn't going to bring it up now, with all the other stress you've got going on. Okay, that's enough about Narc. I love you and don't want you to be angry at me.
As for staying at your place, I won't ask again. I don't like to be in a position where I'm begging. I always thought that would be the sort of things friends would easily do for each other, and I've rarely asked a favor. When I say there's almost nothing I wouldn't do for my friends, I mean it. If any of my friends ever needed a place to crash, my spare room would be available indefinitely. I've had many, many people offer their couches to me to stay while I job-hunt -- people I hardly know, friends of my parents, my sister, even my friends in Barcelona. You happen to be the only person in Manhattan, besides being my closest friend, so I asked you. And you had offered to let me stay for a week back in Nov. or Dec. That's why I asked now; I'm finally ready to take you up on it.
That said, I do understand what you're going through. You've got so much going on, and it's all really draining, and you can't take on anything else right now. It *would* be an imposition, so I'm not going to ask again. I don't ever want to press for a favor. That's rude. If someone kindly offers something, that's one thing. I even thought it might be a nice thing right now for you to have someone there with you. As you said, what would I do if I didn't have you? Well, of course, if I didn't have friends, I'd have to find an alternative way to do things, and I will. But I do have friends, or at least I think I have friends, so I asked my friend for a favor first. When the chips are down, you turn to your friends. If they aren't there for you, you find another solution and learn a lesson.
I do understand how horrible your situation is right now, what with your brother and your family. Look, all I've ever tried to do is be a good friend. I've never taken advantage of anyone, never betrayed anyone, never been rude to anyone. Please don't let some idiot guy come between us -- and please try to understand my situation as well. Maybe we can talk by phone? I never am able to reach you; are you ever home?
Let's talk...
-Anxious
**********************
Now I was really pissed off! My response to her:
Anxious,
I do think it's best if we talk in person or at least on the phone. I'm spilling over with feelings right now and I don't want this email to come out wrong. But I do have to respond.
First of all, on Narc--It's not like I'm mad at you INSTEAD of him. I'm mad at both of you. And even though he called us "fuck buddies," you know that he's been someone I've been talking about for a while and someone who's played a significant role in my life. The truth of the matter is that we had been seeing each other exclusively since November and he told me that he loves me as early as late September. The details of our relationship shouldn't matter though. A guy I'm with did something sexual in your presence, and I should have known about it from you.
Obviously you're not responsible for him acting like an ass, but I strongly l think you should have said something to me straight out. Girls have to stick together. If he was "deceiving" me on any level, it's incredibly disempowering to not have that information and to not be able to make a choice about how to deal with it. I think it's just plain weird for you to have had clearly negative information about someone I'm in a relationship with and not tell me about it. Just to protect yourself from my "awful wrath?" You should know that we can talk things out no matter what. You should trust our friendship enough to believe that I know you and that I know him and I know which one of you is the asshole and which one is the long-term friend. You say you "did absolutely nothing wrong here," and I agree in terms of what went down while I wasn't there. In fact, if you had told me right away I would have been extremely apologetic to you (even though I'm not responsible for his erratic behavior). But I think it was very wrong not to tell me about it as soon as possible--as in as soon as I walked in the door that afternoon. It makes me sick to think that I was on the phone with you while he was doing that and you didn't say ANYTHING!
As for staying at my place, I think it's INCREDIBLY unfair of you to imply that I'm a bad friend for asserting myself. Well, I'm sorry for being a piece of shit. You're obviously such a superior person. After all, if any of your friends need a place, "your spare room would be available indefinitely." It's so very clear what you're implying when you say that you have so "many, many people offer their couches" to you while you job hunt, including "people you hardly know." I'm a shit friend. I'm selfish. I'm not there for those I love. I've disappointed you. Even mere acquaintences treat you better.
Well, FUCK THAT. First of all, I don't have a "spare room." My living room is my living space. Second of all, please don't insult me like that. I have always been there for those I love and I always will be. That doesn't mean that it has to come at my own expense when my brother is lying brain-dead and fighting for his life. Who's the selfish one here?
You say that you "understand what I'm going through," but you obviously have NO FUCKING CLUE what this is like. If you did, you would be asking what you can do for ME instead of asking what I can do for YOU. If you understood even a little, you certainly wouldn't imply that I'm a bad friend for needing my own space in which to cope with an excrutiating painful and difficult situation.
I really don't want to be in a fight with you. I'm willing to forget all about the Narc thing and move on because I said my bit, and I know that you heard me. I know that you weren't trying to hurt me, but I hope should this (bizarre incident) ever happen again, you would repsond differently. He's a dick and there's no point in dwelling on it. I am, however, really upset right now at the tone of your emails to me, especially in terms of the apartment thing. To tell you the truth, I can't fucking deal with this right now and you clearly have no idea what this is like for me.
That said, let's talk soon because I don't want this to fester and turn bad. I'm hard pressed for "down-time" these days, but should be home tomorrow between my class and before boxing (so from 5:00-7:00-ish). Is that a good time to talk?
Hyde
********************
Her response (which I read this morning):
I can't take all this fighting. I'm going through a difficult time right now and I don't like fighting. So yes, I want to talk.
(In terms of how I said she called me a bad friend, etc.): Oh, come on, I never said any of that. If I implied it I'm sorry. But I sure as heck didn't mean it to sound that way. You misunderstand -- I'm just explaining why I thought it was okay to ask. It just didn't seem like such a big deal because so many people said, "Hey, if you need a place to stay, you can crash with me/my daughter/etc. for a week." So I was just saying that to explain why I thought it wasn't that big a deal to ask. It's HARD to ask favors. I only do it when I'm desperate. Can you understand that? That's why I bent over backwards with justifications for why I thought it was okay to ask. Oh, come on. Neither of us is selfish. Just worked up.
(In terms of how I say she should be asking "what she can do for ME"): Excuse me -- but I have been all along. I've called you often to ask how you were. I've always asked if there was anything I could do. And I would do anything for you. But you don't need anything from me. You have all the emotional and financial resources you need from your family, and you've never really called on me in need. I wish you would. You would really find out how much I do care.
I didn't call you a bad friend. I'm disappointed that you can't be there for me when I need you, but I also thought I made it clear -- and if I didn't, I'm making it clear now -- that I understand why you can't. You have to take care of yourself first. Everybody does. And right now you don't have anything to offer anyone else. I do understand that. You're not a shit friend, come on.
(On Narc): Frankly, I didn't understand the situation AT ALL. I didn't understand your relationship, his intentions, any of it. There is no set rule for how to respond, and I've never been put in that situation before. I wanted to talk about it, but recall that just two days later, you started dealing with this stuff with your brother, and I had no idea you'd want to hear more bad stuff on top of that, so I figured it could wait until we saw each other. (I have to add that it was NOT just two days later, but more like 10!) Maybe we should have ground rules for what to do when the man you're seeing does something totally inappropriate. I just never dealt with a situation like that before. Some women want to know everything; others definitely prefer to turn a blind eye; and still others say they want to know, then shoot the messenger.
Hyde, you need to realize that I didn't know which category you fell into here.
Or maybe I should've just fucked him while you were at your lesson, as long as you were going to get mad at both of us.
Guess what? My life is hard too and it's been harder lately because my erstwhile best friend keeps picking fights with me. I can't deal with it either. And I realize I sounded really testy about the apartment thing. But we can talk about that tomorrow too.
It's already bad. I'm hurt and pissed off and really getting tired of people getting mad at me for what strikes me as no good reason. But let's talk tomorrow around 5. I mean, at least you're telling me you're mad at me. That's progress. E-mail exchanges like these, by the way, are EXACTLY why I was waiting to talk to you about your shit-ass boyfriend in person. Just shooting daggers back and forth really doesn't go anywhere.
-Anxious
************************
Well, I'm a sucker, so I wrote back a quickie:
Anxious,
I don't want to be in a fight. I don't think either of us is a bad person or a bad friend. We're both under stress and both of us are pissed off right now, but I'm sure we'll work it out. I didn't mean to "pick a fight" with you. Neither one of us is good at being totally open about our feelings so it comes out akward and harsh, but I think we'll get better at it...
I love you, okay?
Let's work it out at 5:00...
-H
***************************
Now we'll just have to wait and see what happens...
I'll post the rest of Monday's events later. Have to get to class now...
Monday, March 07, 2005
Le Weekend
I started writing this post at almost 4:00 pm on Saturday, but got sidetracked and didn't get back to it until now--nearly 1:00 am on Sunday night. On Friday after managing to survive my teaching obligations on only three hours of sleep I came home and crashed. Later that afternoon, B came over to pick up some opera tickets. The next opera on my series (Samson et Dalila-- following the La Boheme I missed thanks to Narc) was on Saturday, but I opted not to go in the interest of getting some school work done. So much for that... I ended up wasting much of Saturday afternoon doing nothing. After B left on Friday (at around 6:30) I watched some TV and tried to fight off my utter exhaustion. I talked to Hammer for a few hours on the phone and lounged around for a few more hours, until I found myself reapplying my makeup at about 11:00 and pulling on my high-heeled boots. I just don't have the mental ability to be "still" right now. There's too much swimming around in me. I decided to kill some time at Cheers. On my way out I sent Narc a text:
Wanted to apologize-- Sorry 4 drunk-txtng u last night. Just under a lot of stress right now. Anyway, see u around... -Hyde
Who knows if it was the right thing to do or what he was thinking when he received it, but I didn't want my last contact with him to be a drunk message.
Anyway, Cheers was realtively empty for a Friday night and I quickly found a seat at the bar. I ended up next to DJ, a regular who I haven't seen in a while since he was hit by a car outside the bar a few months ago and is still having trouble with one of his legs. I always find him a little irritating, but we managed to make some small talk. FightingMensch was there too, but avoided talking to me for a while. I think it's because he didn't know how to address or whether to bring up the situation with my brother, and felt uncomfortable about it. I warmed things up by ignoring my "issues," instead asking him about his upcoming trip. He's going to Cancun for "spring break." (Even though he's 30 years old and works on Wall street, he still wants to try his luck with drunk college freshmen). Ah, men...
Anyway, at around 11:30 the Stallion called me. He said he was meeting another friend at midnight, but wanted to meet up with me for after-hours. I told him that I might not be up that late, but that I'd let him know. A bit later, my super and his wife showed up at the bar. I think I may have mentioned this before--my super is good friends with PumpedUp's dad, and is actually the one who first introduced me around Cheers. I chatted with them for a while and belted out my usual karaoke numbers. It was fun to have a personal audience. Damn, I need to find better performance opporunities than drunk karaoke!
Two other girls from my building were there as well. I'll just call them "the Fourth Floor girls." They're two roomates who live on the 4th floor of my building. (They have a third friend they're always with that doesn't live in my building, but she wasn't there on Friday). I haven't seen the trio in months, although throughout October and November they were at Cheers almost every week. While I'm not really friends with them, we've all conversed a few times, culminating with a strange conversation about MarriedGuy--a guy I had a very very brief fling with this fall. My thing with MarriedGuy turned strange (don't feel like explaining), and then a few weeks later, I saw him courting one of the Fourth Floor girls. That evening, on line for the ladies room, I told her a little of what I knew about him. A week or so later MarriedGuy confronted me in the bar and asked me why I had "bad-mouthed" him to the Fourth Floor girl. I was surprised, because I hadn't really told her anything too negative about him, but I learned a lesson about bar-room gossip. I never talk to anyone there about anyone else who frequents the bar anymore. Another night that I "bonded" with the Fourth Floor girls was the night I showed up at Cheers with a bruised eye (another incident I don't feel like explaining). Everyone at the bar assumed that Narc had turned abusive and had hit me. Even though I insisted time and again that he hadn't, no one would believe me. The Fourth Floor girls took it upon themselves to pep talk me all night about being a "strong woman." With those two episodes in mind, when I saw them on Friday, they asked me both if I had seen MarriedGuy recently (the answer was "no"), and whether I was still with "that asshole" (the answer was "until Wednesday").
Overall, it was a fun night. I was drinking hard and fast (by my count around 13 drinks in the two and a half hours I was there)--an all around good time. But I knew that I was getting wasted and had almost reached my tipping point. I decided that it was in my best interest to head home soon. So at around 1:00 am I texted the Stallion:
I'm probably heading home in an hour or so, so if u want to fuck, sooner is better than later...
I guess that got his attention because he called me pretty quickly, telling me that he and his friend would meet me at Cheers. But by the time they arrived, I had already "tipped." As such, my memory of the rest of the night is a little blurry. I remember that I kept trying to kiss the Stallion at the bar, even though the night before I was embarassed of that kind of public display. The Stallion was surprised at how much I drank.
At some point his friend took off and we headed back to my place. I don't remember anything else. All I know is that when I woke up Saturday morning I was alone in my bed and I was wearing my t-shirt and sweats. Venturing into the living room, I found two half-finished glasses of SoCo on my coffee table and some cigarette butts in the ashtray, (but thankfully this time no used condoms lying about). I also found a huge bottle of gateorade which must have been purchased the night before, and which I gratefully drank to ease my headache. For a while I was worried about what had happened and whether I had embarassed myself in front of the Stallion. As soon as I woke up, I sent him a text:
Hey, sorry SO drunk last night. Just a lot on my mind (u know what I mean). Next time let's meet up w/o alcohol! -Hyde
A few hours later he called me back and said that everything was fine and that he had fun. I told him I didn't remember anything, and I don't think he was too happy about that. (Men and their pride!) He told me that he left my place at 7:00 am. I have no recollection of any of it, even though I woke up only an hour and a half later. He said that he thought he would "take me up on that dinner offer" and asked if I were free for Saturday night. I had no fucking clue what he was talking about. Did I offer to make him dinner? Or to take him out? (And why?) In any event, I told him I had to go to the hospital, but that we should try to meet up again before he takes off next week.
The rest of Saturday I spent watching too much TV and being slightly depressed. VJ called me from Chicago where she went for the weekend, and updated me on her personal drama. Hammer also had a spat with her boyfriend and we gossiped about it on the phone for a while. I told Hammer that I wanted to make a change, and we impulsively decided to dye our hair. I threw my weekend stuff together in a bag, planning to head to the hospital straight from Hammer's, and set off. On the street corner, I saw a bum take a piss right in the open. It was pretty disgusting. Passing Cheers, I saw BarMan setting up for the evening. I knocked on the door and he let me in. I asked him what color I should do my hair, and he advised me to leave my hair alone and to get a tounge piercing instead. I wasn't about to take him up on that advice, so after some more banter, I caught a cab to Hammer's place.
Hammer and I sped to pick out hair colors at the pharmacy and then made a quick stop at the Gourmet Grocery for some things she needed. Back at her place we colored our hair and entertained ourselves with a "Glamor" quiz, the I Ching and some Turkish food. Hammer had a leak in her bathroom ceiling above the shower. When we discovered it was toilet water from the apartment above, it grossed us both out. Her hair came out a little too yellow, and mine--a little bit brighter than it was, although it is still brownish-red and not that different from where I started. So much for a major change...
I left her place for Penn Station and got to Long Island around 10:00. My mom was already on her way home from the hospital when she and BigSis picked me up, so I just went back to the house with them. My stepfather stayed at the hospital overnight. The next day I got to the hospital around noon and stayed until 7:15 pm. The whole thing was a kind of morbid family reunion. My grandfather's in from Florida this week, so he was there. Of course, my two step-sisters were there with their mom and grandmother. My mom's sister and her husband and their younger daughter were there too. Later I saw a whole slew of step-cousins, along with my step-father's sister and his ex-sister-in-law. A few of my step-brother's friends showed up too, along with his girlfriend who's been keeping a pretty much non-stop vigil. My LilSis was there for most of the afternoon as well, with her boyfriend JBC. In terms of my stepbrother's progress, there's pretty much nothing monumental to report. It was all just a lot more of the stench of sadness and an unbearable indigestible combination of hope and dispair.
BigSis and I caught a 7:45 train back to the city and I headed straight back to Hammer's. I had plans with her and the Wizard (her boyfriend) to go see that new Hitler movie--Downfall. The movie started at 9:00 and was pretty long--about 2 1/2 hours. It was a great movie though... A lot of food for thought and very entertaining. I'm still turning it over in my head so there's not much else to say about it right now.
After the movie we went for hot chocolate and I got a cab back to my place. The city seemed so desolate and lonely--everything closed and hardly anyone on the streets. I called B. (I think it was just after midnight). He was sleeping so I quickly apologized.
"I just wanted to hear your voice and tell you that I love you," I said.
"Alright. Goodnight, Hyde." he said.
I felt myself sinking in the cab. I wanted to call Narc so badly. I wanted to go somewhere, anywhere where I could be held and be safe. There's just too much pain in my life right now, and the empty streets jeeringly confirmed it all. My heart was aching for Narc, but not really for Narc, you know? I mean, I knew that if I called him what I was aching for would not be there. It's just the illusion or the lie that I told myself for all those months. There was just nothing to do except sit alone with my feelings and try to bear it on my own.
Before the cab reached my corner, B called me back.
"I can't sleep now!' he told me.
I guess I was supposed to feel guilty for waking him up.
"I'm so so sorry!" I said. "Please don't be mad at me. I didn't know you were asleep. I just had this moment of complete despair and I needed to reach out to someone..." etc. I went on and on.
We talked about a few other things, but he kept reminding me that I had woken him up.
"I'm sorry!" I insisted.
I walked to the deli and bought a bottle of Zinfandel. I walked back to my place. B and I were still on the phone. He asked about my brother and I started to cry. I was getting tired. I asked him if he were still mad at me.
"To be honest," he said, "yes I am. I'm not going to act on it, but I am mad at you."
Well, "to be honest," I just can't take that right now. I started crying even more. I didn't know what to say so I told him we better hang up.
"Why did you call me then?" he asked.
"Please, let's not start all of this," I said. "I just can't think straight right now. There's just too much pain and too many feelings all at once. I don't want to get into all of this."
"Fine, goodnight." He hung up the phone.
I just feel numb and drained now. I'm drinking my bottle of wine and when it's finished I'll go to bed. Blogging helps with the feelings of isolation I guess, and tomorrow's another day. Back to teaching bright and early. Let's hope the week ahead brings some good news.
That's it for the report on my weekend...
Wanted to apologize-- Sorry 4 drunk-txtng u last night. Just under a lot of stress right now. Anyway, see u around... -Hyde
Who knows if it was the right thing to do or what he was thinking when he received it, but I didn't want my last contact with him to be a drunk message.
Anyway, Cheers was realtively empty for a Friday night and I quickly found a seat at the bar. I ended up next to DJ, a regular who I haven't seen in a while since he was hit by a car outside the bar a few months ago and is still having trouble with one of his legs. I always find him a little irritating, but we managed to make some small talk. FightingMensch was there too, but avoided talking to me for a while. I think it's because he didn't know how to address or whether to bring up the situation with my brother, and felt uncomfortable about it. I warmed things up by ignoring my "issues," instead asking him about his upcoming trip. He's going to Cancun for "spring break." (Even though he's 30 years old and works on Wall street, he still wants to try his luck with drunk college freshmen). Ah, men...
Anyway, at around 11:30 the Stallion called me. He said he was meeting another friend at midnight, but wanted to meet up with me for after-hours. I told him that I might not be up that late, but that I'd let him know. A bit later, my super and his wife showed up at the bar. I think I may have mentioned this before--my super is good friends with PumpedUp's dad, and is actually the one who first introduced me around Cheers. I chatted with them for a while and belted out my usual karaoke numbers. It was fun to have a personal audience. Damn, I need to find better performance opporunities than drunk karaoke!
Two other girls from my building were there as well. I'll just call them "the Fourth Floor girls." They're two roomates who live on the 4th floor of my building. (They have a third friend they're always with that doesn't live in my building, but she wasn't there on Friday). I haven't seen the trio in months, although throughout October and November they were at Cheers almost every week. While I'm not really friends with them, we've all conversed a few times, culminating with a strange conversation about MarriedGuy--a guy I had a very very brief fling with this fall. My thing with MarriedGuy turned strange (don't feel like explaining), and then a few weeks later, I saw him courting one of the Fourth Floor girls. That evening, on line for the ladies room, I told her a little of what I knew about him. A week or so later MarriedGuy confronted me in the bar and asked me why I had "bad-mouthed" him to the Fourth Floor girl. I was surprised, because I hadn't really told her anything too negative about him, but I learned a lesson about bar-room gossip. I never talk to anyone there about anyone else who frequents the bar anymore. Another night that I "bonded" with the Fourth Floor girls was the night I showed up at Cheers with a bruised eye (another incident I don't feel like explaining). Everyone at the bar assumed that Narc had turned abusive and had hit me. Even though I insisted time and again that he hadn't, no one would believe me. The Fourth Floor girls took it upon themselves to pep talk me all night about being a "strong woman." With those two episodes in mind, when I saw them on Friday, they asked me both if I had seen MarriedGuy recently (the answer was "no"), and whether I was still with "that asshole" (the answer was "until Wednesday").
Overall, it was a fun night. I was drinking hard and fast (by my count around 13 drinks in the two and a half hours I was there)--an all around good time. But I knew that I was getting wasted and had almost reached my tipping point. I decided that it was in my best interest to head home soon. So at around 1:00 am I texted the Stallion:
I'm probably heading home in an hour or so, so if u want to fuck, sooner is better than later...
I guess that got his attention because he called me pretty quickly, telling me that he and his friend would meet me at Cheers. But by the time they arrived, I had already "tipped." As such, my memory of the rest of the night is a little blurry. I remember that I kept trying to kiss the Stallion at the bar, even though the night before I was embarassed of that kind of public display. The Stallion was surprised at how much I drank.
At some point his friend took off and we headed back to my place. I don't remember anything else. All I know is that when I woke up Saturday morning I was alone in my bed and I was wearing my t-shirt and sweats. Venturing into the living room, I found two half-finished glasses of SoCo on my coffee table and some cigarette butts in the ashtray, (but thankfully this time no used condoms lying about). I also found a huge bottle of gateorade which must have been purchased the night before, and which I gratefully drank to ease my headache. For a while I was worried about what had happened and whether I had embarassed myself in front of the Stallion. As soon as I woke up, I sent him a text:
Hey, sorry SO drunk last night. Just a lot on my mind (u know what I mean). Next time let's meet up w/o alcohol! -Hyde
A few hours later he called me back and said that everything was fine and that he had fun. I told him I didn't remember anything, and I don't think he was too happy about that. (Men and their pride!) He told me that he left my place at 7:00 am. I have no recollection of any of it, even though I woke up only an hour and a half later. He said that he thought he would "take me up on that dinner offer" and asked if I were free for Saturday night. I had no fucking clue what he was talking about. Did I offer to make him dinner? Or to take him out? (And why?) In any event, I told him I had to go to the hospital, but that we should try to meet up again before he takes off next week.
The rest of Saturday I spent watching too much TV and being slightly depressed. VJ called me from Chicago where she went for the weekend, and updated me on her personal drama. Hammer also had a spat with her boyfriend and we gossiped about it on the phone for a while. I told Hammer that I wanted to make a change, and we impulsively decided to dye our hair. I threw my weekend stuff together in a bag, planning to head to the hospital straight from Hammer's, and set off. On the street corner, I saw a bum take a piss right in the open. It was pretty disgusting. Passing Cheers, I saw BarMan setting up for the evening. I knocked on the door and he let me in. I asked him what color I should do my hair, and he advised me to leave my hair alone and to get a tounge piercing instead. I wasn't about to take him up on that advice, so after some more banter, I caught a cab to Hammer's place.
Hammer and I sped to pick out hair colors at the pharmacy and then made a quick stop at the Gourmet Grocery for some things she needed. Back at her place we colored our hair and entertained ourselves with a "Glamor" quiz, the I Ching and some Turkish food. Hammer had a leak in her bathroom ceiling above the shower. When we discovered it was toilet water from the apartment above, it grossed us both out. Her hair came out a little too yellow, and mine--a little bit brighter than it was, although it is still brownish-red and not that different from where I started. So much for a major change...
I left her place for Penn Station and got to Long Island around 10:00. My mom was already on her way home from the hospital when she and BigSis picked me up, so I just went back to the house with them. My stepfather stayed at the hospital overnight. The next day I got to the hospital around noon and stayed until 7:15 pm. The whole thing was a kind of morbid family reunion. My grandfather's in from Florida this week, so he was there. Of course, my two step-sisters were there with their mom and grandmother. My mom's sister and her husband and their younger daughter were there too. Later I saw a whole slew of step-cousins, along with my step-father's sister and his ex-sister-in-law. A few of my step-brother's friends showed up too, along with his girlfriend who's been keeping a pretty much non-stop vigil. My LilSis was there for most of the afternoon as well, with her boyfriend JBC. In terms of my stepbrother's progress, there's pretty much nothing monumental to report. It was all just a lot more of the stench of sadness and an unbearable indigestible combination of hope and dispair.
BigSis and I caught a 7:45 train back to the city and I headed straight back to Hammer's. I had plans with her and the Wizard (her boyfriend) to go see that new Hitler movie--Downfall. The movie started at 9:00 and was pretty long--about 2 1/2 hours. It was a great movie though... A lot of food for thought and very entertaining. I'm still turning it over in my head so there's not much else to say about it right now.
After the movie we went for hot chocolate and I got a cab back to my place. The city seemed so desolate and lonely--everything closed and hardly anyone on the streets. I called B. (I think it was just after midnight). He was sleeping so I quickly apologized.
"I just wanted to hear your voice and tell you that I love you," I said.
"Alright. Goodnight, Hyde." he said.
I felt myself sinking in the cab. I wanted to call Narc so badly. I wanted to go somewhere, anywhere where I could be held and be safe. There's just too much pain in my life right now, and the empty streets jeeringly confirmed it all. My heart was aching for Narc, but not really for Narc, you know? I mean, I knew that if I called him what I was aching for would not be there. It's just the illusion or the lie that I told myself for all those months. There was just nothing to do except sit alone with my feelings and try to bear it on my own.
Before the cab reached my corner, B called me back.
"I can't sleep now!' he told me.
I guess I was supposed to feel guilty for waking him up.
"I'm so so sorry!" I said. "Please don't be mad at me. I didn't know you were asleep. I just had this moment of complete despair and I needed to reach out to someone..." etc. I went on and on.
We talked about a few other things, but he kept reminding me that I had woken him up.
"I'm sorry!" I insisted.
I walked to the deli and bought a bottle of Zinfandel. I walked back to my place. B and I were still on the phone. He asked about my brother and I started to cry. I was getting tired. I asked him if he were still mad at me.
"To be honest," he said, "yes I am. I'm not going to act on it, but I am mad at you."
Well, "to be honest," I just can't take that right now. I started crying even more. I didn't know what to say so I told him we better hang up.
"Why did you call me then?" he asked.
"Please, let's not start all of this," I said. "I just can't think straight right now. There's just too much pain and too many feelings all at once. I don't want to get into all of this."
"Fine, goodnight." He hung up the phone.
I just feel numb and drained now. I'm drinking my bottle of wine and when it's finished I'll go to bed. Blogging helps with the feelings of isolation I guess, and tomorrow's another day. Back to teaching bright and early. Let's hope the week ahead brings some good news.
That's it for the report on my weekend...
Friday, March 04, 2005
One Class Down...
Yay! One class down and I'm feeling a billion times better. No more hangover-headache and a lot more energy... All thanks to a few bottles of water and my good old reliable Hyde-resilency. Only problem is I think I'm getting a bit of a sore throat. If I'm smart I'll behave myself tonight...
Drunk in the Office
Well, it's 8:03 on a Friday and I'm drunk in the office. I must stink of SoCo, although I drank whiskey straight through until we got home last night.
Yesterday was a really long day for me. My mom woke me from my stone-cold sleep on her couch at about 7:00 a.m. because she wanted to drop me at the hospital on her way to work. I spent the morning depressedly staring at my brother who is currently showing no sign of change. On the train back to the city (around noon) I was crazy depressed and called B for some cheer. He helped me as much as he could. Back at home, I cleaned my house (which was desperately necessary!), polished my nails and ate some lunch. I talked to Hammer for a long time on the phone, and before I knew it, it was 6:00!
I changed into my boxing gear and around 7:00 my cell phone rang. It was the Stallion! He said he may not be able to hang out on Friday, so he'd really like to see me on Thursday. I told him I had boxing, but that I'd call and let him know. Before boxing I stopped into Cheers for a second. BarMan laughed and asked me if I wanted "a few shots" before class. I told BarMan and IrishBird that I'd be back with a possible date. BarMan asked if it was someone I had brought there before. I told him a bit of the story about the Stallion (leaving out the threesome part). They must think I'm crazy.
Anyway, on my way to boxing, I thought about it a lot. Unfortunately my boxing gym is only two blocks from Narc's house. When I got off the subway, all I could think about was Narc and my heart hurt so badly. I decided it would do me some good to see the Stallion so I sent him a text to meet me at 11:00 at Cheers.
After class (which kicked my ass), I raced back to my place and showered and changed. It was cool to see the Stallion, but he looked a little different than I remembered him. His hair was different or something. IrishBird kept the whiskeys coming. The Stallion kept trying to feel me up and kiss me in the bar. I told him that I knew too many people there and that I couldn't make out with him in front of them. (For an uninhibited girl, I can be pretty fucking inhibited sometimes). He told me he thought it was "cute" that I was so modest. At around 1:30 or so, he asked if I had any booze back at my place. I told him that all I have left is SoCo, a little Kettle One and a few bottles of more girly shit with no mixers (I've been trying not to re-stock as I run out). He said that the SoCo was good enough and we were off.
Well, me, the Stallion and a bottle of alcohol... 'NUFF SAID!
At some point I smoked a little weed on top of it all, and later I sent a drunk text to Narc. I erased it this morning fast, without even reading it, so who knows what I said... We must have crashed around 3:00 am. I told the Stallion early on in the evening that I'm off my "medicine," and he said "good for me," so I was glad that I just put it out there. Our summer tryst had been accompanied by a three week coke-binge, so I hope he wasn't too disappointed this time around...
I woke up in the middle of the night to get some water and we fucked some more. Then the Stallion woke me up this morning at 7:00.
"Don't you have to teach?" he asked.
I had set my alarm for 6:45. I guess he heard it and switched it off. It hadn't stirred me.
"Oh yeah..." I pulled the pillow over my head.
Waking up this morning was sheer torture. I must have slept a total of 2-3 hours. On top of that, it's only just past 8:00 now and I'm still feeling drunk. I just need to down some coffee, some water, and something for padding and I know it'll absorb fast. It's because I didn't eat dinner last night. Even so, I don't know how I'm going to make it through my killer Friday on this level of energy.
The Stallion and I fucked more this morning and then he walked me to the subway. He said that he's in town until next Thursday and that he wants to see me again. Normally that guy can get my mind off any other man, but this time it seemed different. What's the difference? I'm in love with Narc no matter what I try to do to get around it. I love him, I love him, I love him, no matter what kind of an asshole he is, or how he's been to me... I love him and I just want to be back with him, even though I know it's bad for me. He doesn't want me right now though. He doesn't want me when there's anything on my mind besides fucking him. And I just can't be that focused or empty-headed right now. But I LOVE HIM and I can't help it. I can only hope that time will heal that for me...
Anyway, I've got to go make some photocopies for class. Giving them a quiz today. My head is pounding. I fucking hate this... No more weeknight boozing for me! (Remind me I declared that, okay?) Later...
-Hyde
Yesterday was a really long day for me. My mom woke me from my stone-cold sleep on her couch at about 7:00 a.m. because she wanted to drop me at the hospital on her way to work. I spent the morning depressedly staring at my brother who is currently showing no sign of change. On the train back to the city (around noon) I was crazy depressed and called B for some cheer. He helped me as much as he could. Back at home, I cleaned my house (which was desperately necessary!), polished my nails and ate some lunch. I talked to Hammer for a long time on the phone, and before I knew it, it was 6:00!
I changed into my boxing gear and around 7:00 my cell phone rang. It was the Stallion! He said he may not be able to hang out on Friday, so he'd really like to see me on Thursday. I told him I had boxing, but that I'd call and let him know. Before boxing I stopped into Cheers for a second. BarMan laughed and asked me if I wanted "a few shots" before class. I told BarMan and IrishBird that I'd be back with a possible date. BarMan asked if it was someone I had brought there before. I told him a bit of the story about the Stallion (leaving out the threesome part). They must think I'm crazy.
Anyway, on my way to boxing, I thought about it a lot. Unfortunately my boxing gym is only two blocks from Narc's house. When I got off the subway, all I could think about was Narc and my heart hurt so badly. I decided it would do me some good to see the Stallion so I sent him a text to meet me at 11:00 at Cheers.
After class (which kicked my ass), I raced back to my place and showered and changed. It was cool to see the Stallion, but he looked a little different than I remembered him. His hair was different or something. IrishBird kept the whiskeys coming. The Stallion kept trying to feel me up and kiss me in the bar. I told him that I knew too many people there and that I couldn't make out with him in front of them. (For an uninhibited girl, I can be pretty fucking inhibited sometimes). He told me he thought it was "cute" that I was so modest. At around 1:30 or so, he asked if I had any booze back at my place. I told him that all I have left is SoCo, a little Kettle One and a few bottles of more girly shit with no mixers (I've been trying not to re-stock as I run out). He said that the SoCo was good enough and we were off.
Well, me, the Stallion and a bottle of alcohol... 'NUFF SAID!
At some point I smoked a little weed on top of it all, and later I sent a drunk text to Narc. I erased it this morning fast, without even reading it, so who knows what I said... We must have crashed around 3:00 am. I told the Stallion early on in the evening that I'm off my "medicine," and he said "good for me," so I was glad that I just put it out there. Our summer tryst had been accompanied by a three week coke-binge, so I hope he wasn't too disappointed this time around...
I woke up in the middle of the night to get some water and we fucked some more. Then the Stallion woke me up this morning at 7:00.
"Don't you have to teach?" he asked.
I had set my alarm for 6:45. I guess he heard it and switched it off. It hadn't stirred me.
"Oh yeah..." I pulled the pillow over my head.
Waking up this morning was sheer torture. I must have slept a total of 2-3 hours. On top of that, it's only just past 8:00 now and I'm still feeling drunk. I just need to down some coffee, some water, and something for padding and I know it'll absorb fast. It's because I didn't eat dinner last night. Even so, I don't know how I'm going to make it through my killer Friday on this level of energy.
The Stallion and I fucked more this morning and then he walked me to the subway. He said that he's in town until next Thursday and that he wants to see me again. Normally that guy can get my mind off any other man, but this time it seemed different. What's the difference? I'm in love with Narc no matter what I try to do to get around it. I love him, I love him, I love him, no matter what kind of an asshole he is, or how he's been to me... I love him and I just want to be back with him, even though I know it's bad for me. He doesn't want me right now though. He doesn't want me when there's anything on my mind besides fucking him. And I just can't be that focused or empty-headed right now. But I LOVE HIM and I can't help it. I can only hope that time will heal that for me...
Anyway, I've got to go make some photocopies for class. Giving them a quiz today. My head is pounding. I fucking hate this... No more weeknight boozing for me! (Remind me I declared that, okay?) Later...
-Hyde
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
P.S.
P.S.: I got an e-mail back from Narc this afternoon. In the interest of being thorough, here it is:
Hyde--
I've no doubt that, emotionally, you'll move on much sooner than you imagine. Perhaps we'll hang out as friends one of these days, we shall see.
Good luck with everything
--Narc
I was happy when I got the message, but now reading it back, it seems kind of cold. Whatever... he's obviously saying that he hears that I want to "leave the door open" and that he's amenable to that...
Anyway, there are much more important things to think about than Narc this evening. I'm at my parents' house right now. We just got back from the hospital where I learned that the prognosis for my brother is much worse. According to the latest CT scan, about 75% of his brain is damaged. The CT diagnosis doesn't completely match up with the some of the behavior we've observed though, so I'm still hoping that the scan could be wrong. In any case, there is so much crushing on my chest right now. There is so much going on emotionally that I can't fucking breathe. Narc is a real jerk for stepping out on me when I need him the most. B has been wonderful to me though, and I'm very grateful for that. I guess I just need to gather my resources and start a new chapter--a new phase of my life. I don't know how though. And with all this hurt around me, it's even harder to see my way through the forest.
Good night for now...
-Hyde
Hyde--
I've no doubt that, emotionally, you'll move on much sooner than you imagine. Perhaps we'll hang out as friends one of these days, we shall see.
Good luck with everything
--Narc
I was happy when I got the message, but now reading it back, it seems kind of cold. Whatever... he's obviously saying that he hears that I want to "leave the door open" and that he's amenable to that...
Anyway, there are much more important things to think about than Narc this evening. I'm at my parents' house right now. We just got back from the hospital where I learned that the prognosis for my brother is much worse. According to the latest CT scan, about 75% of his brain is damaged. The CT diagnosis doesn't completely match up with the some of the behavior we've observed though, so I'm still hoping that the scan could be wrong. In any case, there is so much crushing on my chest right now. There is so much going on emotionally that I can't fucking breathe. Narc is a real jerk for stepping out on me when I need him the most. B has been wonderful to me though, and I'm very grateful for that. I guess I just need to gather my resources and start a new chapter--a new phase of my life. I don't know how though. And with all this hurt around me, it's even harder to see my way through the forest.
Good night for now...
-Hyde
The Breakup
Well, it looks like that's it.
It looks like my letter this morning did the trick and that Narc and I are officially "broken up."
He wrote back to me at around 9:45 (shockingly early for him!):
Hyde--
The honest truth is that I simply cannot deal with the drama and the crying fits any longer.
It would be best if you moved on.
Narc
His e-mail completely proves my point. He didn't say "Hyde, I don't care about you," or "Hyde, you're making more out of our relationship than there ever was." Instead, he said "Hyde, I can't deal with your feelings. I can't deal with emotions in general, so it's best for me if you go away so that you will stop challenging me." His letter is clear, but I still have no doubt that he loves me.
On the other hand, I hate that he has to couch it in a way that makes it all my fault. Of course, he has always been totally rational, whereas I have always been "dramatic," "hysterical" and "irrational." Whatever...he treats me so badly and then when I cry he makes that the reason that we can't be together! He makes me cry and then gets mad at me for crying. It's so typical...
(Of course, there's that not-so-little voice in my head that says "Why did you go over there on Friday night? You knew you were upset about your brother... Why did you go cry in front of him? This is all your fault because you couldn't hold it together!")
I wanted to write something back to him. I guess I just wanted to wish him well and leave the door open because I do still love him. At least I won't have to have any guilt over fucking the Stallion now. (Well, unless you count feeling guilty because he has a girlfriend, but she's his responsibility and not mine...)
So, here's what I wrote:
Dear Narc,
Thanks for writing back so soon. While I'm saddened by your reply, I sincerely wish you well and hope that we can stay in touch. I guess I'll do what I have to do now. But while I'll surely move on emotionally, I know that I'm going to miss you. Hopefully we'll be able to see each other again under less difficult circumstances.
Good luck with everything.
Lots of love (as always),
Hyde
I know...kind of pathetic, right? Well, I guess that's just who I am. And I've always been ruled by the heart, foolish or not...
Anyway, I was planning on writing and telling you all about my boxing adventures, but I'm just not in the mood anymore. I feel a little sick and flooded with feeling and I'm not sure what to do with all of it right now. I wonder if that's really it for me and Narc. I wonder if I'll ever see him or hear from him again. I hope that I don't miss him too much. But I'm afraid that I already do.
It looks like my letter this morning did the trick and that Narc and I are officially "broken up."
He wrote back to me at around 9:45 (shockingly early for him!):
Hyde--
The honest truth is that I simply cannot deal with the drama and the crying fits any longer.
It would be best if you moved on.
Narc
His e-mail completely proves my point. He didn't say "Hyde, I don't care about you," or "Hyde, you're making more out of our relationship than there ever was." Instead, he said "Hyde, I can't deal with your feelings. I can't deal with emotions in general, so it's best for me if you go away so that you will stop challenging me." His letter is clear, but I still have no doubt that he loves me.
On the other hand, I hate that he has to couch it in a way that makes it all my fault. Of course, he has always been totally rational, whereas I have always been "dramatic," "hysterical" and "irrational." Whatever...he treats me so badly and then when I cry he makes that the reason that we can't be together! He makes me cry and then gets mad at me for crying. It's so typical...
(Of course, there's that not-so-little voice in my head that says "Why did you go over there on Friday night? You knew you were upset about your brother... Why did you go cry in front of him? This is all your fault because you couldn't hold it together!")
I wanted to write something back to him. I guess I just wanted to wish him well and leave the door open because I do still love him. At least I won't have to have any guilt over fucking the Stallion now. (Well, unless you count feeling guilty because he has a girlfriend, but she's his responsibility and not mine...)
So, here's what I wrote:
Dear Narc,
Thanks for writing back so soon. While I'm saddened by your reply, I sincerely wish you well and hope that we can stay in touch. I guess I'll do what I have to do now. But while I'll surely move on emotionally, I know that I'm going to miss you. Hopefully we'll be able to see each other again under less difficult circumstances.
Good luck with everything.
Lots of love (as always),
Hyde
I know...kind of pathetic, right? Well, I guess that's just who I am. And I've always been ruled by the heart, foolish or not...
Anyway, I was planning on writing and telling you all about my boxing adventures, but I'm just not in the mood anymore. I feel a little sick and flooded with feeling and I'm not sure what to do with all of it right now. I wonder if that's really it for me and Narc. I wonder if I'll ever see him or hear from him again. I hope that I don't miss him too much. But I'm afraid that I already do.
Glad (and a little sad)
I'm glad I didn't send that letter to Narc yesterday. Whether or not he loves me and whether or not I love him, it makes no difference at this point. I spoke to the Stallion on the phone last night. He's going to be in town tomorrow! I can't see him tomorrow night because I have to teach early on Friday, but we made tentative plans for Friday night. If I end up sleeping with him, it will really put a wedge between me and Narc. I hope it doesn't make me feel guilty (for "betraying" Narc and because the Stallion has a serious long-term girlfriend), but maybe it's just the thing I need to start to move on. I don't know...
I can't sleep with the Stallion until I'm sure that things are over with Narc though. I've just never been able to sleep with someone when I'm in love with someone else. That said, I sent a different e-mail to Narc this morning. (I know, it was probably a stupid stupid thing to do and I put the ball right back in his court, but I feel better with it that way...) I wrote:
Narc,
Do you want to talk about things at all, or should I honestly just forget all about you and move on? I have some important decisions to make this week, but I guess I wanted to give "us" one more chance before giving it some closure.
Let me know by Friday if you can...
Hyde
Who knows what he'll think of the letter... He'll probably think I'm completely spineless, but whatever.... Who knows if he'll even care. Who know's if he'll ever write back. But if he doesn't write back, I'll have my answer from him, and I won't have to feel as guilty for hooking up with the Stallion. The bigger problem will come if he does write back (but I don't think he will). I guess I sent the letter for my own peace of mind, more than anything else.
Anyway, boxing class last night was a lot of fun. I'll write more about that later. Right now I have to get to work. Heading back to Long Island tonight to spend tonight and tomorrow at the hospital.
Hope you all have a great day...
I can't sleep with the Stallion until I'm sure that things are over with Narc though. I've just never been able to sleep with someone when I'm in love with someone else. That said, I sent a different e-mail to Narc this morning. (I know, it was probably a stupid stupid thing to do and I put the ball right back in his court, but I feel better with it that way...) I wrote:
Narc,
Do you want to talk about things at all, or should I honestly just forget all about you and move on? I have some important decisions to make this week, but I guess I wanted to give "us" one more chance before giving it some closure.
Let me know by Friday if you can...
Hyde
Who knows what he'll think of the letter... He'll probably think I'm completely spineless, but whatever.... Who knows if he'll even care. Who know's if he'll ever write back. But if he doesn't write back, I'll have my answer from him, and I won't have to feel as guilty for hooking up with the Stallion. The bigger problem will come if he does write back (but I don't think he will). I guess I sent the letter for my own peace of mind, more than anything else.
Anyway, boxing class last night was a lot of fun. I'll write more about that later. Right now I have to get to work. Heading back to Long Island tonight to spend tonight and tomorrow at the hospital.
Hope you all have a great day...
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Letter to Narc
I can't help it, but my Narc thoughts are absolutely torturing me. I just wrote him this email, but haven't sent it yet. I figured I'd put it up on my blog instead and maybe that will help to keep me from sending it. Maybe it'll help get it out of my system. I'm not sure... Anyway, I'm off to boxing in a few minutes. I'll probably write more later tonight, but for now, here is my email. (Do you guys think I should send it? Would it make me feel better?)
Dear Narc,
I know I left you a note on Saturday morning that said "goodbye forever," and I know that at this point, I'm becoming a bit of a "boy who cried wolf" with my goodbyes, but there's something more I needed to say. My note was absolutely sincere and I'm not taking it back. I guess I just had to ask you one more time if you want to change anything about our relationship before I write the whole thing off in my head forever. (Do you remember in December when you said you wanted to "renegotiate" our relationship? I guess that's what I'm asking you now...)
The past few days have been really stressful for me, especially when I think of you. I have to pretend on the outside that I'm strong for my family, but I've been concealing a very open wound. I can't hold things together like this forever. I need to do the work to heal the wound, whether it's through saying goodbye to you or changing my interactions with you. You've made it pretty clear that you're not willing to bend, but I feel weird closing the door without any discussion or any kind of real goodbye.
There's a lot about this and about you that confuses me. You say and do things that leave me completely disoriented. Then you seem to think it's strange when I get emotional. For example, your email to me last week was so reassuring and comforting, but when I asked you for some emotional support, you really didn't want to offer it. Or, the Saturday before Valentine's when we met at Bar and Books, you told me that you wondered why we came into each other's lives, that you see me in a way that others can't and that you feel a strong connection to me. Later in the weekend you said that you love me, and whether or not you meant it, I felt very close to you. Yet Anxious tells me that in the same weekend while I was out at my voice lesson that you came on to her, walked around my house naked and masterbated in front of her (while in conversation with her). I mean, come on Narc, she's my friend. What should I make of that?
I didn't bring it up to you at the time and I've tried to be casual about everything before and since. I've tried to stop caring so much about you since you've told me time and again to "take up other guys on their offers." I know we've never been in a formal relationship and you've made that very clear, in between telling me (in words and actions) how much I mean to you. I think I've made it pretty clear that I don't want to accept any other "offers" and that I don't want things to be so casual. Bottom line-- as hard as I try, I just can't fit my feelings for you and about this into the box that you're offering me.
I know that the right thing to do right now is to walk away. I don't think things are going to change between us; I know that you think I'm "bad for you" (although I wholeheartedly disagree), but the thought of never seeing you again makes me endlessly sad. I feel like you've hurt me so many times but I still don't care. Maybe there's something wrong with me that I keep returning to a situation that is frustrating and painful. If that's the case, it's my problem and not yours, and one that I need to resolve on my own. So why am I writing this email? I guess I just want a little more closure. I don't want to end things with a hastily scribbled heartbroken note from a hung-over Saturday morning.
If you really didn't care about me, I'm sure that this email along with many of my actions would seem ridiculous. But I can't believe that you don't care about me, no matter what you say or do. I've FELT that you care, and foolish or not, I always trust my feelings. So I know that on some level this letter must make sense to you. What you do with it is up to you. I know you think that I can't really "love" you right now, and maybe by your standards I don't. But you're much more rational about things than I am. All I know is my own heart, and by my heart, I do.
I need the closure more than ever because I need the energy to be with my brother and my family and to maintain my work at school and with teaching. My brother isn't doing any better. We're still not sure if he's going to make it. But I don't want to get into all that now.
Anyway, I guess I've said my piece.
I hope that you're well and that I hear back from you soon.
Lots of love,
Hyde
Dear Narc,
I know I left you a note on Saturday morning that said "goodbye forever," and I know that at this point, I'm becoming a bit of a "boy who cried wolf" with my goodbyes, but there's something more I needed to say. My note was absolutely sincere and I'm not taking it back. I guess I just had to ask you one more time if you want to change anything about our relationship before I write the whole thing off in my head forever. (Do you remember in December when you said you wanted to "renegotiate" our relationship? I guess that's what I'm asking you now...)
The past few days have been really stressful for me, especially when I think of you. I have to pretend on the outside that I'm strong for my family, but I've been concealing a very open wound. I can't hold things together like this forever. I need to do the work to heal the wound, whether it's through saying goodbye to you or changing my interactions with you. You've made it pretty clear that you're not willing to bend, but I feel weird closing the door without any discussion or any kind of real goodbye.
There's a lot about this and about you that confuses me. You say and do things that leave me completely disoriented. Then you seem to think it's strange when I get emotional. For example, your email to me last week was so reassuring and comforting, but when I asked you for some emotional support, you really didn't want to offer it. Or, the Saturday before Valentine's when we met at Bar and Books, you told me that you wondered why we came into each other's lives, that you see me in a way that others can't and that you feel a strong connection to me. Later in the weekend you said that you love me, and whether or not you meant it, I felt very close to you. Yet Anxious tells me that in the same weekend while I was out at my voice lesson that you came on to her, walked around my house naked and masterbated in front of her (while in conversation with her). I mean, come on Narc, she's my friend. What should I make of that?
I didn't bring it up to you at the time and I've tried to be casual about everything before and since. I've tried to stop caring so much about you since you've told me time and again to "take up other guys on their offers." I know we've never been in a formal relationship and you've made that very clear, in between telling me (in words and actions) how much I mean to you. I think I've made it pretty clear that I don't want to accept any other "offers" and that I don't want things to be so casual. Bottom line-- as hard as I try, I just can't fit my feelings for you and about this into the box that you're offering me.
I know that the right thing to do right now is to walk away. I don't think things are going to change between us; I know that you think I'm "bad for you" (although I wholeheartedly disagree), but the thought of never seeing you again makes me endlessly sad. I feel like you've hurt me so many times but I still don't care. Maybe there's something wrong with me that I keep returning to a situation that is frustrating and painful. If that's the case, it's my problem and not yours, and one that I need to resolve on my own. So why am I writing this email? I guess I just want a little more closure. I don't want to end things with a hastily scribbled heartbroken note from a hung-over Saturday morning.
If you really didn't care about me, I'm sure that this email along with many of my actions would seem ridiculous. But I can't believe that you don't care about me, no matter what you say or do. I've FELT that you care, and foolish or not, I always trust my feelings. So I know that on some level this letter must make sense to you. What you do with it is up to you. I know you think that I can't really "love" you right now, and maybe by your standards I don't. But you're much more rational about things than I am. All I know is my own heart, and by my heart, I do.
I need the closure more than ever because I need the energy to be with my brother and my family and to maintain my work at school and with teaching. My brother isn't doing any better. We're still not sure if he's going to make it. But I don't want to get into all that now.
Anyway, I guess I've said my piece.
I hope that you're well and that I hear back from you soon.
Lots of love,
Hyde
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