Stalked by my Therapist

The unthinkable is happening... the unfathomable, in fact! Unless I want to become some sort of red bull junkie, I have to get to bed much earlier. Last night I hit the sheets before midnight. Tonight I'm going to aim for 11:00 pm. I hardly feel like myself, and I still can't do it without the help of some Lunesta, but I have to find away around those afternoon naps... they're ruining my productivity.

This week has been decent, overall, but I'm exhausted. Tonight is the second night of my class on Modern Britain, and even though all I had to read was Colley's Britons (which I already read three years ago) and an article, it was hard for me to be in the library on Monday. It drags up all sorts of guilt for me--- An "I once was lost and I'm not quite yet found" kind of a thing. In any case, it is what it is...

Perhaps the biggest drama of the week came from the strange and abrupt ending of my relationship with my therapist, accompanied by my move to switch sponsors. But before I get to that, here's a brief recap of some of last week...

On Hammer's birthday we went to see Sondheim's Company, followed by tea and mochi. Later that night, I had a little spat with Brick, mostly fueled by my codependent feelings towards him. It left me exhausted and worried. On Sunday, (Jan 29th), I went to see Rossini's Signor Bruschini presented by a small opera company on the Lower East Side. I went with my friend BahBoy--a professional opera singer who I used to do musical theater with in high school. It was a very funny production. Afterwards, we walked around the East Village for a bit, stopping for coffee and croissants before he went home. From there, I walked North towards the Whole Foods at Union Square where I had to buy oat milk, and where I met Brick for dinner.

The next morning, I was up bright and early-- the first morning of my new schedule. I can't believe I had to drag myself out of bed while it was still dark. There's not much to say about my first classes. I've taught this stuff so many times now, that aside from the early hour, it was pretty standard fare.

The most remarkable part of last Monday? The fact that I'm on some new medications that left me a bit of a mess. For most of the afternoon, I was dizzy and my vision was blurred. Later, I nearly passed out from exhaustion and had a brief hallucination. When I woke up, I was still dizzy and feeling horrible. My whole body felt "wrong." The only experience I can liken it to, is coming down off cocaine. It was so awful that I called my doctor. He told me that as long as I wasn't having abdominal pain or discolored urine, that I should ride it out and let my body adjust to the medication.

I don't know how I did it, but somehow I later motivated myself to get out to a meeting. I go to an 11th step meditation meeting on Monday's and this time I asked for a commitment there. (I think I need to stay more connected to AA in general). Anyway, the meeting was not as pleasant as it might have been, as my "withdrawal" symptoms gave way to a stabbing headache that creeped around, jutting sharply beneath my left eye. The worst of the headache came about midway through the meeting and then, thankfully, it started to subside.

After the meeting, Slope invited me out to celebrate her 90 days. With about 8 other women, we met at Blockhead's. I walked down from the meeting with Leseco and another girl from my home group-- Dollhouse. Leseco and I ended up sitting next to each other and I picked her brain a little bit about my sponsor situation and wanting to change sponsors. I have to say-- I had a really good time with those girls. It was a really nice end to a pretty awful day.

Last Tuesday, I got up again to teach. (Ugh! Do I really have to do this for three months???). This time I taught two classes. I did some reading and napped again in the afternoon and that night went to AA. Afterwards was when the drama with my therapist kicked in.

For that, you need a little background...

The therapist I was going to, M, was the same woman who had been my counselor at the outpatient rehab I attended this summer. She left the rehab facility around the same time as I did and I started seeing her privately. Even though she doesn't accept insurance, I was afraid to find someone new at the time, and so my mom agreed to pay for my therapy until I could find someone I like "on the plan."

M has always appeared to have issues with money. I suspect she's trying to build a private practice, but she came across as kind of desperate and would often try to pressure me to add another appointment or to stay for an extra hour. This put me in an awkward position, as my mother was the one paying for the appointments, and it's not easy for me to ask her to toss an extra hundred or two my way each week!

One day, a few months ago, as I was leaving a session, M informed me that it was time to pay her. I was in the habit of paying her every fourth week and so, I was caught off guard.

"It hasn't been four weeks," I protested.

"Yes, but we added sessions, so it's been four sessions."

"Oh, I'm sorry," I said. "I didn't realize I had to pay today. I don't have the money. Can I give it to you next time?"

"No, that's really not okay," she said. "I need the money today. Why don't you go to the bank and come back?"

I was really kind of stunned by her response. However, I'm not the type to "stand up for myself" in a situation like that.

"I can't do that," I tried to explain. "I don't have the money in the bank either. I'd have to call my mom and ask her to deposit it for me."

"Well, call her right now," M demanded. "You can't leave here until I get paid."

My anxiety was mounting. I wasn't sure what to do. M had another client coming in to see her, so I slouched into a chair in the waiting room and called my mom.

"That's ridiculous, honey!" she exclaimed. "Of COURSE you don't have to stay there! She never presented you with a bill! How can she tell you she's going to keep you hostage! Leave there right now!"

So, I did.

Later that week, when I was out on Long Island with my mom, we called M together. My mom asked to talk to her.

"I want to see a bill from you and I want Hyde to pay you with a check... not in cash."

M tried to tell my mom that it's my responsibility to keep track of sessions, but my mom wouldn't have it.

The next time I saw M after that, she made some comment about how my mother had "scolded her." She also asked me to pay her in cash.

"I can't," I said. "My mom asked me not to and it's her money."

"Your mother knows I'm collecting unemployment," she said. "She's just trying to aggravate me."

Now, I was very uncomfortable to say the least. Still, I thought it was beneficial to see M, as she was helping me to start to get in touch with my own feelings.

A few weeks later, I went to see her when another strange incident occurred. This was just after Narc and I had that conversation during which he cried.

"I feel so awful for him," I told M. "I love him and want to help him, but I feel so powerless. There's really nothing I can do. But it's hard to see him suffering and to try to protect myself from it."

"Why don't you ask him if he would like to come speak to me?" she suggested.

I raised an eyebrow. Could she really be trying to solicit Narc as a client???

"Does that make you uncomfortable?" she asked.

"Um, uh, well... I don't know." There's Hyde, unable to articulate her feelings again!

"Well, why don't you give him my card."

I took the card with no intention of ever giving it to Narc.

Then, one morning, I got a call from M.

"I can't get a room reserved for us this week," she said. "Do you know of somewhere quiet we can meet?"

"Um... the only place I can think of is my apartment," I suggested.

"Good. How's 8:00 am?

I thought 8:00 am was a little strange and inconvenient, given that this was over my vacation, but I like to be agreeable, so I agreed.

This happened again a week or two later. Only this time, M showed up half an hour early. I was still in bed when the buzzer rang. She waited in my living room while I brushed my teeth and washed the sleep out of my eyes. The whole thing felt very invasive! Of course, what was my part in it? That I didn't say a word of protest.

Then, last week, it was the final straw.

Okay-- so, now back to last Tuesday. That night, after AA, I got a call from M at 9:30 pm.

"I just wanted to remind you that you owe me money tomorrow," she said.

"What? I don't think so," I countered. "It's only session 3. I've been keeping track really carefully."

"No, it's session 4," she said. "Don't forget that time you called me on the phone."

This was unbelievable! She is always encouraging me to call her. "Call me any time! Any time you need to, sweetie!" I called her on the Monday I was having a breakdown while trying to do my 4th step. She had never said a word about charging me for that call. Even so, I was in no mood to argue.

"I didn't know you were counting that as a session. I'll have to call my mom to get her to put some money in."

I must have sounded deflated because she asked me if I were okay.

"What are you feeling right now?" she asked.

"Honestly? I don't know... Stressed? I'm just not in the mood to call my mother right now and have a fight with her."

"Why would it prompt a fight?" M asked. "I'll charge you $50 less for the phone session. Your mom should be happy about that."

"My mom's not going to be happy that I'm calling her at 10:00 pm and telling her she has to run to the bank tomorrow! We have money issues between us as it is, and I don't know what her day is like... if she has to be in court, or whatever..."

I guess M realized that she was being inappropriate to make me call.

"I really need the money," she said, "but I suppose I could wait until next week, if you don't want to call your mom. It's your choice."

"Whatever..." I grumbled. "I'll call."

"As long as you know it's your choice. I'm giving you a choice!" she said. "Who loves you more than I do?"

I couldn't believe those last words out of her mouth.

My MOM!!! I wanted to scream in reply. But, I didn't.

I hung up the phone and called my mom. My mom, predictably, was angry, and spent the next ten minutes yelling into the phone. I seriously felt like I was going to short circuit.

After we hung up, I called Brick. I started to tell him the story, but he abruptly hung up on me, as his sponsor was calling on the other line. I was feeling very cut off and very abandoned. I called B.

Now, this is a whole other issue, but I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with B-- I mean, when we were together, and I've realized that I have a lot to apologize for. I brought that up to him on the phone.

"I'm sorry, B," I said. "And I want to thank you for being such a good friend to me all these years. It really is a testament to our friendship and your strength of character that you stood by me."

"Or maybe it's weakness," he said. "Maybe I was just too weak to stand up for myself."

What?!?! I couldn't believe my ears!

"What do you mean?" I demanded. "Are you saying that you only stayed my friend because you couldn't get away from me? That's you're weak and that's why!"

I could feel a classic Hyde-B fight coming on. And while I knew well enough to get off the phone, I still hadn't found my "soft place to fall."

So, I called Cherubino. It definitely helped. I told her about the whole dilemma with M.

"Why don't you just cancel the appointment," Cherubino suggested. "If this is causing you a lot of anxiety, give yourself some time and space. Ask M for her address and have your mom mail the check. Don't put yourself through this right now."

So... The next morning, I called M and left her a message cancelling the appointment. I asked her for her mailing address to send a check. Just a minute later, she called back. I let the message go to voice mail.

Hi Hyde, I need to talk to you Can you please call me back. It's M. Um... you tell me that, um... I can reach you at this number, so please call me back, okay? Bye. Like this morning? As soon as possible? Bye.

Hi, this is M again. I want you to know that I have an appointment with you for 4 and I can't cancel it. I have to give 24 hour notice in advance. So, um., I just need to know that you're gonna show up for it no matter what. This is kind of not fair. And I have to charge you and I don't want to do that. So, please, try to come in at 4 and let me know what's going on. Call me right back. Bye.

Anyway, in the interim, I called my mom to tell her that she didn't have to run to the bank to put money in my account, but rather could just mail a check. She called M to get the mailing address. During the course of that conversation, M didn't want to give my mom her address.

"I'll just get it from Hyde," she kept saying.

"Hyde's not coming in today," said my mom.

M told my mom she had to charge for the room.

"What about those sessions you had at Hyde's apartment and didn't pay a fee to rent a room? I didn't see you lowering your rate then!"

I don't know how M replied to that, but after they got off the phone, M called me again. Again, I didn't pick up.

Hi Hyde, it's M. Um... You know, when there's situations going on, that doesn't mean you can't talk to me. I'd like very much if you would come in today at 4... without a fee. Cause it's not all about that. And, so we can work this out. Um... uh... There's no reason for you not to face me and discuss it, whatever it is. And we'll come to a better understanding, okay. This is between me and you right now. And we have a good relationship. And I don't want to see anything spoil that. So, come in for a few minutes at 4 because I'll be there. It's during your time and don't worry about the money okay? At least, please don't avoid me because when you call me I call you right back and that's just a mutual respect that we have for each other. I hope to see you at 4 or hear from you in a few minutes. Okay? Bye.

I couldn't believe all this over a cancelled appointment! I couldn't believe that she wouldn't allow to me to cancel! I felt completely invaded and overwhelmed I didn't return her call. The next day, she called again.

Hi Bubby, it's M. Call me when you get a chance. I'd like to confirm for next week. I'd like to know as soon as possible. Hope you're well. And, talk to you later. Bye.

I am seeing a new therapist now-- Dr. P-- and he said that I didn't have to call her just yet... that I could write a letter and write out my feelings about it first. So, I didn't return that call either. I thought that would be the end of it.

On Sunday night, I was down at Narc's house at 11:00 pm when the phone rang. I couldn't believe it! It was M!!! At 11:00 pm!!! Narc couldn't believe it either. I played her message on speaker for him. Here's what she said:

Hi Hyde, it's M. Sorry I'm calling so late. Um, I'm expecting to see you tomorrow at 4 as usual... Um... And I look forward to it. So, have a good night. And if there's a change, call me tonight because I need to reserve the room tonight. Ok. I look forward to seeing you. Miss you! Bye.

There were so many things wrong with that message. For starters, we had no usual appointment time. Second of all, how could she be needing to reserve the room that night, after 11:00 pm on a Sunday? It was all so manipulative. So, I ignored it again.

The next day, I decided that something had to be done. I wrote her a letter and waiting in Banana Republic while B delivered it to her office. Here's what I said. (And correct me if I'm wrong, but I think it's pretty clear!)

Dear M,

I am writing to inform you that I wish to suspend sessions from this date forward. We do not have a scheduled appointment today. The last appointment I scheduled with you was on Wednesday, January 31st. If I wish to continue sessions, I will contact you. However, as you have been paid to date, through the mail, I do not foresee a reason for you to contact me in the future.

Thank you for all of your help and good luck with your future endeavors.

Best wishes,
Hyde


So, you can imagine my surprise when later that night, I got yet another voice mail from her! This once came in while Meema and I were finishing up 24-- around 10:00 pm on Monday night.

Hi Hyde, it's M. Um... I'm not running after you, but I'm concerned about you. I hope you're sober. And if not, you know, I don't understand why you're not speaking to me. If I've done something to harm you in any way, it would be the last thing I'd want to do. I just would like to speak to you. I don't want anything from you. We have a relationship and I don't understand. So... The only thing I can think of without knowing is that maybe something's going on and you're just not dealing with it, or whatever. And if I've harmed you, at least give me the opportunity to address it and speak to you about it. But this is not a way to cut things off. This is not a healthy way.... you know? And I adore you. I would do anything to help you. And, again-- never to want to harm you. So, I don't understand, Hyde. And if you're trouble, if you're not in trouble... Please call me. Don't avoid me. I'm not mad at you. I'm not mad at anyone. Can you please talk to me? It's M. And you know my number. Bye.

Anyway, I hope that's the last I hear from her.

There's a lot more going on and a lot of internal changes for me this week, but writing this post has left me exhausted. So, I'll leave it at that for now. Let's hope that things with Dr. P work out a little better.

love,

h