Half Measures

I'm still musing about whether or not to end the blog. Mystic-- I have to say, you hit the nail on the head in terms of how I've been feeling lately about all of it. But, in any case, I haven't shut this place down just yet. And I also haven't gotten rid of Narc just yet... Oh-- and the day after Valentine's Day wasn't the last time I had sex with him either. (I know, I know...)

I had a cozy weekend. I didn't do anything too exciting, but the most exciting thing about that? I didn't mind! I actually felt good being in my house and having downtime and doing my work, and that is radically good news, in my opinion.

On Friday I met with Cherubino before a meeting. Brick and I were supposed to hang out later that night, but he cancelled on me. It was the second cancellation of the week-- the first was on Wednesday when he planned to come over but then remembered that he told his sponsor he'd go to a meeting with him. I know that Brick is busy and that he's doing his best to get involved in AA, so I didn't mind the first cancellation... not even the second, as he explained that he was tired from work. We rescheduled once again for Sunday afternoon. When he cancelled on me for the third time, I just couldn't sit with it. It's hard to feel so easily blown off by someone so close. I am learning in the program that I can't change people. And if I can't change Brick (and I certainly can't be friends with him this way), then maybe we just need a break from each other for a while.

I wrote him a text after he cancelled our date: This is the third cancellation in one week, I said. That's not okay with me.

He never wrote back. More than anything, that's the part of it that hurts. I'm trying to learn how to express my needs and express my feelings. And here, where I told Brick how I feel, his response was to give no response. My feelings warrant no response.

That whole thing has been gnawing at me for the past few days. But, it's strange. I know I did the right thing for myself, so I'm also at peace with it, and I think that I'm able to let him go.

On Sunday night, after AA, I came home to watch the Oscars in bed. I fell asleep shortly after they ended, only to be woken up by the phone ringing at 1:30. It was Narc; he was drunk; and he wanted me to come down and see him.

"I can't. I'm sleeping," I murmured. "And besides, I have to go teach tomorrow."

"I lost my cell phone," he said. "I had a party over here... didn't even leave my own house... and the cell phone is gone."

"I'll talk to you tomorrow," was all I could manage.

I was exhausted on Monday morning, but somehow made it through my class. When I got home and sat down to check my email, there was a message from Narc.

Hey! Looks like I am truly stranded in a Kafka-esque moment, here... A friend of mine made off with my cell phone last night (strangely enough), and Verizon has now shut off my land line (long story), so it looks as if I am stuck, incommunicado...

At any rate, was wondering if you wanted to stop by, but I suppose that will depend on when you end up checking your e-mail...! Should still be able to receive calls, however, so do ring when you can

--Narc

What a strange email, right?

On Sunday night, my sponsor and I had laid out a schedule for me for the week, and I made a commitment to keep it. So, I looked at my schedule for the afternoon-- half and hour of work on my fourth step, grocery shopping and a few hours of reading for school. No room for Narc. I'd have to tell him.

Woah! That is a very unlucky turn of events. I remember you told me about the cell phone last night when you called, but your land line is gone now too???

Anyway, I would love to come by, but I'm tied up in the library for most of the afternoon and then I've got AA tonight. I could come after, though, for 24 if you want? Just let me know before 6:00 pm if you want me to come. I'll check my email on and off until then. I could be there by 9:00 if I come straight from my meeting.

Thank god for seamless web, right? At least you can still order food... ;)

love,
hyde

He didn't write back to me right away. So, as I was about to head out to the library, I called him.

"I want to see you," he said.

"Yeah, but I've got work to do this afternoon," I explained. "And I'm really trying to be a good student this semester-- get in touch with my former self, you know?"

"That's too bad," he said. "I really wish you were here right now."

"I could come later tonight."

"Earlier is better," he said.

"Umm... I don't know, Narc..."

I could feel myself losing resolve fast. It's as if it all just leaked out of me.

"I could come in an hour or two? That would give me a little more time to read. How 'bout I come from 4:00 til 6:00. That's when I have to head to AA."

"4:00 is too late," he said. "I'm ready for you now."

"I don't know..."

He knew he had already won. Just fold, already, Hyde!

"Okay. Give me an hour to get there," I said.

"I'll try to wait to masturbate until you get here," he said.

What kind of life is this? I wondered.

Anyway, I hung up the phone with him and jumped into the shower.

An hour later, he answered the door-- scruffy, hungover and naked... the Narc of my dreams, right? I had been tied in knots between the phone call and my arrival there. I called Hammer and told her I was "conflicted." I knew I was doing the wrong thing, and yet I felt compelled to do it anyway. But as soon as I saw him, that all melted away. I was back inside that little bubble of non-reality. Nothing matters in Narc-world... in Narc-time. Until reality creeps in and rears its ugly little head, that is...

Anyway, we had lots and lots of sex-- just like the old days. And he told me that he loves me, as sex or alcohol sometimes prompts him to do. I felt content... I honestly did... that is, until I started to feel uneasy because I know, I know what I want for myself now and Narc is not it. But how can I feel anything other that content when he is holding me and being sweet? I don't know...

At one point, his doorman buzzed off that his friend dropped off his cell phone with the front desk.

"I'm going down to get it," he said. "Stay here in bed and wait for me. Don't get up and don't get dressed."

Why do I like being bossed around by him?

Later on, he wandered out into his living room which was semi-trashed from his party the night before.

"Ugh! There's all this junk food here now!" he lamented. "Someone brought all this candy over. I guess it's on sale after Valentine's Day..."

"Speaking of Valentines day," I called to him, still laying in his bed, "You threw my valentine in the garbage."

I don't know where that came from or why I said it, but I did.

"What did you say?" he called back.

"You threw my Valentine in the garbage. In fact-- that's why I left last Thursday."

"No I didn't!" he insisted, coming back into the bedroom.

"Yes, Narc, you did."

Suddenly, I didn't want to be having the conversation anymore now that we were face to face.

"Why would I do that?" he asked. "I'm sure I put it out with the other cards."

"No. It was in the garbage. I'm sure of it. I found it there."

I stopped myself before telling him that I had picked it out of the trash and, in fact, still had it in my bag.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, Narc!"

"Well, it must have been a mistake," he stumbled. "I mean-- there'd be no reason for me to do that. Why would I do that?"

"I don't know," I said, raising an eyebrow at him.

"I wouldn't. I must have just tossed it while cleaning up papers in my kitchen or something. It doesn't mean anything. Don't read anything into it!"

"Okay," I said, still looking at him dubiously.

Later on, the subject of PopStarChick came up. I guess I was on a roll because I decided to pipe up about that one too.

"So, what's the deal with the two of you?" I asked. "Are you still 'together?'"

"Um... well, I don't know," he muttered. "I'm here. She's there... There's no point, you know? It's not really..."

"But is she your girlfriend?" I pressed.

"No, well, we just talk once a week and it's just 'Hey, what's up?' That's it... Like I said-- she's there, so..."

"But is it 'Hey, what's up, you're my girlfriend and I love you?' or is it just 'Hey, what's up?'"

"She's not my girlfriend," he said with a little more decision. "I held on waaay longer than everyone told me to. I mean, everyone said to forget about it long ago. It's not going to happen. I mean, if she comes back here at some point, then maybe... But it's not happening. She's not my girlfriend."

"Well... then..." (And now I was a little nervous) "Then, why is her picture still up as your desktop background?"

"What?"

He seemed startled by the question, but he was sitting in his desk chair when I asked it, so naturally he turned to look at the computer screen.

"What, that? I didn't even realize that was still up there!"

"How could you not?"

"It's just background," he stammered. "Seriously-- I don't even notice it there. It's been there so long. No reason at all. It's just background to me now. I don't even see it there."

"Well, I do," I said quietly.

"I can change it, no big deal," he went on. "I can change it right now."

He fiddled around for a few minutes before choosing a black and white landscape background.

"That what it was before," he said.

"I know," I smiled. "I remember you liked that picture from the time we went to the Apple Store in Summer '05."

He didn't say anything else.

"Thank you!" I smiled again.

But it was awkward. I think we both felt a little ill at ease. I certainly felt better that he changed it, but I don't know why he changed it for me. Liu thinks it was probably just to avoid a conflict.

Anyway, after that I had to get dressed to head out to my AA meeting. Narc had plans to go for dinner with his friend Laurie. She had won the money from their Oscar pool the night before (Narc must have recounted the ballots ten times, frustrated that he didn't win).

"We're just going for tapas and a martini or two," he said. "I really can't drink again after last night."

He had blacked out the night before and was all worried that he said or did something foolish in front of his friends.

"I can never just have one," I said. "I don't know how you do it. I always used to get such a headache if I stopped after one-- it was like an immediate hangover."

"I don't get that as badly as you," he said, "but the miracle place is definitely around three-- that's the place you chase all night."

"God, I miss that," I sighed.

But I don't miss the blackouts. And I don't miss the destruction. I HAVE to keep telling myself that.

"Didn't Al Pacino say that?" he asked, "That the best feeling in the world is the one between the second and third martini..."

"I don't know."

"In any case, I'm not drinking tonight," he said. "I'll be home by 9:00 or 10:00. Laurie has to study for her GMAT. She can't make it a drinking night either."

Narc went on to tell me that Laurie mentioned she might check out an AA meeting.

"She said you can find a lot of celebrities there," he laughed, "and that it's good for networking. Maybe I should check it out. I could use that..."

"Maybe you should," I said. I didn't dare go further. Neither did he.

Anyway, I left there, talked to Hammer, ate some pancakes and went to my meeting. I've been trying really hard to reach out to some new women and I saw a few of them there, including a girl named Collie and another I call Dollhouse. Dollhouse and I walked home together, as she lives in my neighborhood.

Last night, I bought two boxes of fresh raspberries and poured them into a bowl and ate them while I was watching 24. It was a little divine. Afterwards, I talked through the afternoon's events with my sponsor and then caught up with Liu on the phone.

That night, I had already fallen sound asleep when my phone rang. Yes, it was Narc again and he was really drunk. I was in such a sound sleep that I barely remember what I said to him-- only that he called. I really need to start turning my phone off if he's going to start with that again.

And that brings me up to date. I'm tired now, so I think I'll go take a mini-nap.

I don't know what I'm doing. I never do... But I know that with every step backwards I'm struggling as hard as I possibly can to get at least one step forward, if not two.

I want to grow and I want to go...

I'm a little afraid of what they say about "half measures." But then again, maybe I shouldn't be too hard on myself.

love,
h