Snow on Snow

The snow has finally arrived.

I overslept this morning by an hour and when I opened my eyes, it was time to leave the house. I jumped out of bed, threw on some jeans, grabbed my makeup to apply on the road, and somehow made it out of my apartment, my hair a mess and still in my "Golden Girls" T-shirt. I can't say I was the most presentable professor, but at least I managed to arrive on time.

I knew it was snowing out as I headed into the building lobby, but I had no idea that instead of soft flakes, it would be hard pellets that stung my eyes and my cheeks as I squinted into the gray trying to catch a cab.

Anyway, I'm moody today.

Last night, my old friend Tipu called out of the blue. I haven't seen her in about two and a half years, and even then, it was only for one afternoon. She and I met in the summer of 2002 when we lived together in London. (I was there doing an NEH fellowship. Tipu helped me survive my breakup with B). I don't know why she called me last night, but it was a meaningful phone call. She called me with a message that I needed to hear.

Tipu was happy, of course, to hear that I am still sober, but she also couldn't believe that I was still talking about Narc. She kept insisting that he's a waste of my time and energy.

"Your BRILLIANT. You're BRILLIANT, Hyde!" she kept saying. "You impressed everyone! You're smarter than me and Nipkins put together! You had insights about the reading that no one else had thought of..." (and so on and so forth).

It's always difficult for me to "take compliments," but this time it was even harder. She was right. I remember feeling brilliant back then. I remember impressing everyone in the seminar with ease. What happened to me? What happened to that girl? Why do I feel so muddy all the time?

Listening to Tipu sing my praises, I began to feel like such a failure-- like I've lost something that I'll never get it back. I'll never get it back.

As I hadn't talked to Tipu in quite some time, she hadn't heard most of the Narc drama of the past two years. To me, it seemed normal... normal conversation, but she was freaking out.

"Lose him! He's toxic!" she kept saying. "This is unbelievable!"

I met most of her remarks with silence.

"Think about it Hyde!" she exclaimed. "What if I called you up and told you that I was seeing some guy who called me names, got me pregnant, was only affectionate when drunk, was engaged to some other girl, and I was still sleeping with him? What would you say?!?"

I didn't know what to say.

I just felt cloudy. Snow on snow... (That song was just looping in my head... "Snow had fallen... snow on snow on snow... in the bleak midwinter, long ago..." Snow on snow on snow, was all I could think.)

"You are amazing!" she went on. "You are hysterical and so smart and so sweet. Why haven't you been doing wonderful things with yourself? God gave you a gift with your brain. I really believe that. You have been blessed with something most people don't have. Your intelligence is a gift, Hyde! Why are you wasting yourself on this douche bag? I want to claw him!"

She is what NDN would call a "scrappy" girl, and it was sweet to hear her raging in my defense. But again, it left me feeling blindsided and still all knotted up.

When we hung up the phone, I called Cherubino.

When I was drinking, I pretended I didn't care what happened to me. I pretended that I didn't care about life. ("Just scrap it! Scrap it!" I would say. I "scrapped" fucking everything!) If I had to justify it to myself, if I had to find good cause for throwing myself away, for making garbage of everything, I said that I was sacrificing everything for "love."

I didn't care, right? I was beyond caring?

It's bullshit. I do care. Of course I care. And talking to Tipu made me realize just how much I care about the things that I sacrificed to my alcoholism and the things that I sacrificed in order to maintain this relationship with Narc.

I'm starting to feel like I'm in a hole that I'll just never crawl out of. I've lost too much. I can't be that same girl that impressed Tipu five years ago. She's gone. She's gone. I gave her up, and even if I want her back, she's gone.

(Wouldn't it be so much easier if I really believed that I can't get out of this hole? If so, I can just give up. Then, I can drink again. Then I can live inside an illusion).

I said all that to Cherubino. Her response?

"Keep it simple, Hyde. Just stick to the schedule we made for this week. Just do the things you committed to do tomorrow. If you just stick to your schedule one day at a time, miracles will happen. Don't worry about the results just yet. There is no instant gratification. You'll get to where you want to be, but you can't have it all at once. Just trust me. Put one foot in front of the other and do what you have to do tomorrow."

"Okay," I said.

But, I don't want to do what I have to do.

Even though I love school, I don't feel like going to class tonight. Snow on snow... it's snowing out, right? I want to say that it's all too hard for me... a magnificent magnetic pull back to drinking.

But I can't let that happen. I CAN'T.

Why is this all coming up for me now? It's suddenly much harder not to think about drinking than it was even two weeks ago...

Maybe it's because I'm allowing myself to see a little bit more.

Last night, talking to Tipu, I had one of those moments of clarity about Narc-- the unmanageability of it all was so clear. And yet, here I am, still trying to manage it. Wondering whether or not he got my Valentine's gift... as if it matters... wondering whether or not I should text him "Happy Valentine's Day," as if that makes an ounce of difference in my life.

That's not who I am, even if that's who I've been for the past three years.

Tipu reminded me of that.

I want to grab the thread of it all and GO. I want to run free. "Man is born free, but everywhere he is in chains." I want to cast off those chains. I want to be freed from "the bondage of self." I want to... But I still feel so cloudy.

I have to be cautious. It's slushy and dirty in here.

My head is still filled with snow.

-h-