Valentine's Day is foreboding. It's the third Valentine's to pass since I've been sleeping with Narc... Two years ago was the infamous Anxious-masturbation episode. Weird... Anyway, I caved and bought a little something for Narc. I'm embarrassed by my weakness and pitiful, desperate need to express my reality to him, and so I signed my card "from your (not so) secret admirer." I'm going to leave it with his doorman.
In other news, I had the day off yesterday and spent it out on Long Island, catching up with GoldenFinch and playing with BabyBird. He was throwing spaghetti all over the kitchen. I couldn't get enough of him. He's the cutest baby ever.
Last night I went to a really good AA meeting. Afterwards, I met up with Brick. I watched 24 by myself in bed (24 nights seem to have become a thing of the past, and besides, Brick was quickly sound asleep) and then today, after teaching, I had lunch with B.
I'm nervous about the AA meeting tonight because it's the first time I'm going to see Talis since I told her I wanted to change sponsors. I wrote her a beautiful card, so unless she has a heart of stone, she can't stay mad at me. And in any case, I know I made the right decision. Cherubino and I met up on Saturday afternoon to chat over coffee in Union Square. It was a really productive meeting and I walked away with a few new tools in my proverbial "tool box."
But even so, it's been a rough few days for me, emotionally speaking. Everything is fine and dandy on the surface, but just beneath, things are beginning to roil. What am I talking about? Emotions, struggling for breath, like tulips pushing up through frozen Earth. I've been wanting to drink so badly-- to push everything back down.
I was thinking about Narc the other day. I haven't seen him in over a week now and while we've texted sporadically, it's been all about nothing. It makes me anxious. There's an enormous knot in my chest. Only lately, something strange has begun to happen... it feels as if someone is trying to pick that knot apart. And then... what's that? It's not just anxiety, but it's sadness. It's hurt. I must be sitting on mountains of hurt. Anger? Frustration? I'd rather leave well enough alone, but I know that if I want to stay sober in the long run, I can't. I'm so afraid of myself that I feel queasy all the time.
Narc and I will end. Narc and I will end.
Yes, that is what I was thinking when he texted me yesterday, asking whether or not it was true that FOX was blessing us with 2 hours of 24.
Yes, it's true, I wrote. Funny you texted me. I was just thinking about you.
"Thinking," eh? Naughty thing... came the reply.
It disturbed me. I don't know why. Maybe it's because he made light of my uncomfortably frank honesty by sexualizing it. Maybe it's because I get weirded out by my own sexuality when I'm confronted with it when I'm in "Jekyll" mode. Who knows. But I didn't like it.
I don't know what I'm feeling anymore. I love to love Narc and I love to make vast proclamations that I hate him. But I don't know how to be in this in-between place... just trying to find myself... to find what I want.
Last Thursday, Brick wanted to sleep over. I'm not sure whether or not I even wanted him here. But I really wanted to keep the night clear in case Narc called. I told Brick that he could come over, but only with the understanding that if Narc called, I was leaving.
"Can I stay in your house, even if you go?" he asked.
"Yeah, I guess so."
"You made Narc number one, Brick number two and yourself number three," my sponsor told me.
Did I? I didn't even think about what I want. Do I want anything? I don't know... I don't think so... I want this anxious knotted feeling to go away. I know that much. I want my feelings to go away. That leads me back to wanting to drink. But, I don't really want to drink anymore. I just want the feelings to go away.
It's much easier to be blinded by love. Or Booze.
Yes, it's much easier to be blinded. Only, it can't last. At least that's the premise I'm working on...
Happy Valentine's Day!
6 comments:
Your sponsor made an excellent point about how you prioritize yourself. *hug*
I know how difficult it is to start feeling, but not to know what it is your feeling, or why, or what you want to do about it. But you're showing courage and strength in sticking to it despite fear and worry. You're pretty terrific person, Hyde, and an excellent example for those who come after you in sobriety. The program is simple, but not easy as the saying goes. You're doing great!
Happy Valentine's Day!
You are a cherub : )
Hmm...I've been wrestling with what exactly to say to you. I've had similar experiences, and I never know what to do with "the in-betweens" when you aren't in hate and you aren't in love either. I hope that your knot unknots as painlessly as possible. If I figure out any secrets on how to do that, you'll be the first to know.
Happy Valentine's Day Hyde. I haven't been reading long, but I am starting to get a grasp of what you are going through in life. You write well and with feeling. The only thing I am still trying to figure out is why you are "settling". A friend once told me that in order to overcome being an alcoholic, you can never "settle". It must always be a constant change. One must always have goals. Just curious, what are yours? I hope you don't take this comment wrong. I am being genuine when asking about your goals. You've never really said.
Thanks, everyone!
To answer your question abbagirl,
My goals are pretty simple-- finish my PhD, find a good romantic relationship, someday have kids...
More than anything, though, I just want to fulfill my god-given potential... whatever that is. I just want to be the things that I'm supposed to be.
:)
h
And you've already made an enormous leap in realizing your goals.
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