The Plant-Boy's Tears

So, here's the surprise I was telling you about-- when Brick was a little boy, he was a phenomenally talented chorister. In fact, he premiered this piece by Philip Glass, which we later found on CD.

If you want to hear Brick as a little angel,

Listen Here

(He starts singing about halfway through the track, so be patient...)

Hearing it made me teary for a lot of reasons.

Anyway, I have a lot going on this week... I know I've been low on blogging, but I'm hoping to catch up in another day or two.

Hope you are all well!

Love,
h

Hammerlicious

Happy Birthday, Hammer!!!

Hammer and I are going to see a Broadway show in honor of her 30th.

This weekend has been pretty good so far, except for the fact that I'm getting sick. My throat hurts when I swallow and I'm feeling a little feverish. Brick and I made an exciting discovery online, but I have to wait another day or two to tell you what it is.

Hmm... what else? I went with LilSis and JBC to talk to the florist about their wedding. The arrangements she's put together are absolutely gorgeous! It's going to be such a beautiful wedding. Afterwards, we ate at Benihana, which is always fun.

This morning I went to a new meeting-- a women's meeting. It was really great. I actually knew 8 of the 30 + women already. I guess I am starting to find a niche in the AA community. Afterwards I went out for breakfast with some of them. I have a lot of thoughts about women, AA, blah, blah, blah, but no time to write about it or think about it all right now.

Anyway, that's it for the moment. I just wanted to put up a quick post in honor of Hammer. Tomorrow I'll be working on my syllabi, and come Monday I'll be teaching again and taking classes.

The party's over, so to speak...

Hope you're all enjoying the weekend too...

love,
h

Dream-o-Meter: Valentine Baby

I had a weird dream last night. I was pregnant and had a baby. I remember thinking that I was able to have a sober pregnancy. (I'm sure this is related to the fact that my 9 month anniversary is coming up on February 9th). Anyway, I had a beautiful little red-haired girl. It was Narc's baby. I named her "Valentine."

In my dream, I brought the baby to show Narc.

"This is little Valentine," I said.

"I'm surprised she doesn't have dark hair," he told me.

"What do you mean?"

"Didn't you name her 'Valentine' for the Count of Monte Cristo? That Valentine has dark hair. And besides-- your hair is naturally dark. I'm surprised she doesn't look more like you."

"I guess she just takes after her Daddy," I said.

"That's not my baby," he told me.

And for some reason, in the dream, I knew that he was right. It wasn't his. It had no father. It was some sort of immaculate conception or something...

Anyway, in the next part of my dream, I brought the baby to my high school and bumped into my 9th grade Social Studies teacher, Mr. Sun.

"I'm not surprised you named her Valentine," he said.

Later on in the dream, Narc called me and told me that I had to find a babysitter.

"It's almost February 9th," he said. "It's La Boheme night. We have a date. Or did you forget?"

Hmm... It was a dream that reeked of 2005-- the infamous Valentine's Day when Narc masturbated in front of Anxious... and the following week--the day he stood me up for Boheme.

In any case, it was a strange dream.

Right now, I'm getting ready for bed. Brick is here watching Glitter on TV. I refused to join. Narc was over here this afternoon. I gave him a blow job until I almost puked. Then I went to AA. More incongruity, huh?

The Stallion called me this afternoon... He's still living in San Diego, so that's a safe enough distance away.

I'm tired now. I think I'm getting a sore throat. (And no-- not from the blow job. I'm just really run down.)

Brick is making me crazy right now. I need to go take a shower and go to sleep.

Good night, all...

-h-

PS: I switched to new blogger. My computer pressured me into it. I hope I don't regret it.

Hardcore

Something is wrong with me. I'm such an addict. I spent about six hours today looking at horribly, horribly violent pornography online. I seriously have to be careful not to foster another addiction... Then I went to get coffee. I'm making myself get dressed now, even though it's after 5:00 pm. I'm going to go to a cafe and try to get some work done...

While I was crossing the street to the deli, I put on my iPod. Whitney Houston's "All at Once" was playing (a song I use to get lost in Narc-ful reverie). How can the same girl sit in front of her computer and look at the stuff I look at for so many hours (trust me-- a lot of people couldn't stomach it) and then listen to Whitney Houston? My own incongruity is causing me to short circuit.

At least there's a belated viewing of 24 tonight with Hammer. Hammer always seems to remind me that it's okay to be incongrous... and in her way, she restores me to sanity.

Okay... that was my confession for the day. Time to go put on some jeans and get the hell out of the house.

-h-

The Catch Up Continues...

I want to write something this week about what I've been going through with my fourth step and my thoughts about a "higher power," but I don't have it in me right now. As I never finished writing that "catch up, catch up, catch up!" post from last week, here's a feeble attempt to finish it:

Thursday, January 11th:

I was still in the pits of depression that day. It was the day after the chocolate pizza with Dan. I felt gross and ate a lot of pasta and then felt worse, so I popped some caffeine pills. (I know-- not a very "sober" thing to do). Later that day I met Slope for coffee and had a triple shot espresso. She's pretty cool-- a screenwriter (like Narc!). She's smart, but she's only 22 and I can feel the difference, if you know what I mean.

After the meeting that night, I went out for "fellowship" with Cherubino and some others, including a thoroughly crazy woman, Joyful, who kept showing everyone the slashes through her wrists, as she had just attempted suicide a few days earlier. I ended up giving Joyful my phone number and while I know it was the right thing to do in the AA world, I came to regret it, as she left me several wacky messages that left me feeling stressed out and imposed upon. But I guess, those are my issues...

Friday, January 12th:

That Friday I went to the movies with B and bought a new iPod nano at the Circuit City at Union Square. I sent Narc a picture of my new toy.

You just got it? Why not wait for the iPhone??? he wrote.

I can't afford an iPhone, was my reply.

Anyway, that night I met Cherubino at a meeting on the Upper West Side. Crazy Joyful was there and I had to tactfully disentangle myself from conversation afterwards. Then Cherubino and I headed over to her apartment where we talked about life, boys and sponsorship, watched a Harry Potter movie and she straightened my hair.

Saturday, January 13th:

On Saturday I planned to head out to Long Island to look at dresses for LilSis' wedding with BigSis and my mom. As I was getting ready to go, I got a text from Brick. (This was before he decided to come back to AA...)

Hey girl! he wrote.

Hey, I answered.

Brick: Just read ur blog. Is Mystic back?

Hyde: Ha ha! Looks like he's still here as a commenter...

And then he called. So, I picked up. We talked for a long time. Brick told me that everything was fine-- that he was happy and that he had successfully become a "social drinker." I wasn't about to argue. (At this point, given Brick's recently renewed commitment to sobriety, I don't think it's worth trying to recreate that entire conversation.) That said, we talked for over an hour. I was moody for the rest of the afternoon. I felt like crying in the bridal shop and didn't feel better until I had downed a tremendous Starbucks coffee. After the coffee, BigSis headed home and I went to my mom's place to spend some time with my stepbrother. I taught him how to play the "Jeopardy song" on the piano. We also sang a somewhat revisionist version of the Doors "Light my Fire." Then I packed up and ate dinner at the Ground Round with my parents and my stepbrother before making the return trip to the city.

Sunday, January 14th:

That Sunday I met B at church in the morning. He was serving as an acolyte. The boy sitting in the pew behind me sang his hymns earnestly and at a respectable volume. I was privately amused. Afterwards we lunched at the diner before parting ways. Brick sent me a text asking if I wanted to meet up with him that night, but I told him I couldn't. Instead, we made plans to have lunch together the following afternoon. I was nervous about it though. I wasn't sure that it was the right thing for me. I hadn't seen him in over a month. I was still pretty heartbroken that he wasn't there for me the week of my birthday.

Later that night, I headed over to Narc's for the season premiere of 24. I brought some Ben & Jerry's and Narc ordered us Vietnamese, but then we had a little spat about how to watch the show. I wanted to watch in "real time" including commercials, as I am in the habit of texting B during the commercials and occasionally calling my mom. "24" is the only show I have like that-- my friends watch at the same time as I do and it's a shared experience. Narc said "no."

"Nope. We're not doing it that way. I don't watch commercials."

I stared at him dumbfounded.

"But I always watch it like that. It's important to me. Please, Narc?"

"No. I don't watch commercials and that's that."

"Narc! I can't believe this. Please!!!"

"I said no."

He shot me a look of awful finality. I could feel the tears welling up in my throat and my eyes and the flush of my cheeks. But, Narc is Narc and there was nothing I could do. I turned away from him in silence.

Don't text me during the show, I wrote to B. I'm starting late.

The air between us was heavy. I'm one of those people who carry a really strong energy-- an aura that's not hard to feel, and I know that Narc was suffocated by it in the moments following our exchange.

The clock struck 9:00 pm. The show was about to start. I looked at him pleadingly. He didn't say anything. The show began to run. And then, the commercials came. And he let us keep them on.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!" I cried, leaping across the couch onto his chest and beaming up at him.

"Ugh! All these dumb ads," he mumbled.

But it was sweet.

It's not sweet, it's ridiculous, Hyde. He's 30 years old. Why did he have to make you feel so bad about a simple request like watching the commercials? Why did you stay? Why do you give all of your power away?

I shoved that voice away to wherever voices like that go and for the rest of the evening, I rested comfortably in an oblivious denial.

Monday, January 15th:

The next morning, Narc made me breakfast. Yes-- you read that right! He made breakfast! It was quite a display. It even included yogurts in perfect little bowls and a cheese plate adorned with blueberries. I felt like I was in some sort of alternate universe.

Brick and I spoke on the phone briefly and made plans to meet later in the afternoon. Unfortunately, there was some confusion about the planning and I thought that Brick was blowing me off again.

I came down hard on him:

Brick-- either call me soon or don't call me ever again, I wrote. I have no more patience for this.

Brick has the ability to get under my skin like no other. I told him that he's some sort of "gay best-friend" version of Narc. That's the best I can explain it. As Hammer pointed out-- I often need a lot of recovery time from both. Anyway, after the mini-drama, we ended up meeting up anyway. We ate at the Comfort Diner. It was strange to see him again after not having seen him for so long-- especially because he was drinking. I told him that it was best not to talk about it. He agreed.

"Even if you're drinking happily, it's hard for me to hear," I said. "In my book, whether it's one drink on a weekend or a hundred during the week, you're an alcoholic who's drinking and that's sad."

I was sad.

That night, Brick came over for the Golden Globes pre-show and then I ended up watching the second half of the "24" premiere alone.

Tuesday, January 16th:

I'm trying to remember what happened on Tuesday... It was fairly unremarkable except for the fact that I tried out an appointment with a new therapist. I love the therapist I'm seeing right now, but she's not covered by my insurance, and as I am still getting a lot of financial support from my parents, I really can't justify having health insurance that will cover therapy and not using it. I didn't really click with this new woman, though, so we'll see...

Oh-- later in the day, I had an appointment with a nutritionist. Someone who specializes in "addictive nutrition." I learned an incredible amount from that appointment, and it's enough to warrant its own post, so I'll leave it at that.

Wednesday, January 17th:

I guess last week really was "mental health" week. After all of the depression the week before, I had to do something. So, after the therapist and the nutritionist on Tuesday, I went to see a psychiatrist on Wednesday. He wants to try a different combination to help with my depression, but I haven't switched over yet. Again, more on that at some point in the future, I guess...

Thursday, January 18th:

On Thursday I met Bezoukhoff at Union Square for lunch, followed by tea (I had a flavor called "Marco Polo"), followed by the three hour documentary, Verdict on Auschwitz. It was depressing, to say the least. And it was Thursday that I got the text from Brick:

I need AA.

I promised to meet with him as soon as he got out of work. I can't tell you how glad I was to see him willing to try again.

Bezoukhoff and I went to Whole Foods where I bought oat milk (part of the conversation with the nutritionist the day before) and he accompanied me back to my house where we hung out for a while. And then, I headed out to meet Brick at the diner. Brick wanted to stay over my place that night, but I didn't think it was a good idea. Instead, I summoned all of my will power (after all, "I'm just a girl who can't say 'no.'") and I told him that he had to go home. I ended up going back to his place with him, tossing the beer, helping him change his sheets and crawling into bed with him until he fell asleep, but I did ultimately end up going home by myself and I was proud of myself for that. It was even harder for me because Narc had texted me earlier in the evening, inviting me over to his place. I told him that I couldn't-- that I was helping a friend with some personal drama.

Ah yes-- never-ending, it seems, he replied. Chicken soup time!

Friday, January 19th:

The next night I had plans to return to Long Island again. My mom made an appointment for me to meet with the couturier at the bridal shop. This time, I invited Brick to come. I met him in midtown in an attempt to make a meeting with him, but our meeting book was not up to date and a security guard informed us that the meeting wasn't happening. So, instead, it was off to Penn Station. Once at my parents house, my mom fed us Chinese food, and then we all sat around the piano with my stepbrother and sang. Once my stepbrother went to bed, Brick, my mom, LilSis and I sat around the fire place and talked.

Friday was the day I sent Narc the "I love you" text. As you know, he wrote back "love you too, Call later," and "call later" he did. He said that he had just finished dinner with ModelChick and was in my neighborhood.

"I thought I might come up and see you," he said.

"I would love that, but I'm with my parents on Long Island."

"Ah... doing the family thing?"

"Yeah. But how about Sunday, Narc? We could watch Rome together if you want."

"Sure, that sounds great."

I was surprised that he accepted my proposal. It's not like him to be willing to make plans, and I was happy. (Little did I know at the time, he would later blow me off and Sunday night would never happen.)

Saturday, January 20th:

On Saturday, I started off the day by making eggs for Brick and my stepbrother before Brick, LilSis, my mom and I headed back to the bridal shop. After an afternoon of trying on dresses, my mom, my stepfather, Brick and I drove into Queens to see The Good German. There was a little bit of confusion before the film started-- we ended up in the wrong theater and had to relocate at the last minute-- but we eventually got it worked out. It was a strange movie. I'm still not entirely sure how I feel about it.

There was a bitter chill in the air on Saturday and after dinner, we grabbed some pizza for dinner. Then Brick and I had to brave the cold waiting on the Long Island Railroad platform to get back home.

That night we bummed around my place and watched The Devil Wears Prada. Brick stayed over.

Sunday, January 21st:

On Sunday morning, Brick took off while I was still "mosey-ing" and then I headed over to the West Side for brunch with TT. We met at Vynl. I got there first. When TT arrived, he gave me a kiss and a hug hello. I still feel a little awkward around him, but he's a nice guy... TT paid for brunch (was it a date? a meal shared by friends? who the fuck knows... I did "the reach" and offered him something, so I have no guilt...) and invited me over to his place afterwards. He recently moved into a new apartment-- a place he bought. It's cute, but apparently it was a real "fixer upper" and he did most of the work himself. He showed me some "before and after" pictures of the place and I have to admit-- it's truly impressive how much he turned that place around.

The rest of our hang out was strange. We ended up sitting on the couch, drinking diet coke and chatting when the subject of musical theater came up. Then he started trying to describe to me some musical episode of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"-- a show that I never watched. I expressed some polite interest in what he was saying, which led to him finding the DVD and playing me the episode. So... that's what we did-- we drank diet coke, sat in awkwardly close proximity to each other and watched Buffy.

At around 4:00 I headed back to my apartment where I once again met up with Brick. We hung out for the rest of the afternoon and then went for sushi.

That evening, Brick and I watched Friends with Money. NDN came up to say hi to us and to share some of his recently purchased kvass. NDN (for some reason I can't quite explain) ended up kissing my neck and leaving me with a hickey. Brick stayed over again that night.

***************

So... that brings me up to date until this week. There's still Monday to write about with its "Step Four" crisis and my visit to Narc and then yesterday-- lunch with B, a meeting with PR-Prof (the new professor), and an awkward conversation with Narc to close the day.

But, I'm tired of writing and I want to start my day, so that's it for now.

Yay! I have done my blog-duties and completed my "catch up." I'm relieved.

love,

h

Decisions

I've been making some bad decisions lately... and having trouble making decisions. Yesterday I sort of "had it out" with my sponsor. I'm thinking that I have to switch sponsors. This hasn't been working for me for a very long time. I don't think I'm ready for my fourth step either. I told her that. I hope she can respect it. I'm supposed to meet with her tonight at 5:00.

First I have to meet with a professor for a possible independent study. I have to leave my house in a few minutes or else I'll be late.

As for Narc, nothing has changed... I love him, I hate him, I love him, I hate him.

After a lovely "Russian feast" lunch with NDN, I had a mini-breakdown yesterday while trying to do my fourth step. I ended up on the phone with my therapist and a bunch of women from AA. Then I treked up to a meeting, drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes with fat snowflakes landing on my shoulders. Hammer and I had to cancel our 24 night, as she was stuck on the runway returning from Arizona. While I was at the meeting, Narc left me two messages:

Hey, it's me. Just giving you a ring. It's like ten past six or something like that. Getting through my day. I'm actually watching "The Illusionist" right now-- not a very good movie. Just can't really get into it. Yeah, sorry I had to cancel on you last night. My friend L was over last night and it sort of stretched out into this long dramatic thing. Brother in Iraq, 30 killed, she doesn't think he's one of them but doesn't know yet. Blah blah blah. Um... No good at all, I suppose. I tivo'd "Rome" but have not watched it yet... but you probably watched it last night. Yeah, 24 this evening. Sure you have plans to watch it with somebody or some such thing. But, I will be viewing myself if you want to come down and say hello. Give me a call when you can...

And then:

Oh, Hyde-een. "Ms. H" as your students called you. It is 8:30. 30 minutes to 24. Actually, in my case it's more like 40 minutes, because I REFUSE to view the commercials so I'm going to be starting late. So... yes... Anyway, sure you have your 24 plans, but give a call when you can. Okay, bye.

When I got home, we texted a little.

Hyde: May do 24 alone tonight. Just got home. A lot on my mind... But will call later...

Narc: Will start watching in 3o min or so if you want to come down.

Hyde: Need to be alone for a while. But maybe in an hr or 2, if you're still up for it, will swing by. Let you know...

Narc: Everything OK? Will hold off on "24" for an hour or so...

Hyde: Yeah, I'm ok. Just going through a lot internally. Hard to articulate. Esp. in a text.

Narc: Perhaps this is the transformation you've been waiting for? Playing "Call of Duty" in the meantime... (wink)

Hyde: Coming in half an hour. Want food?

Narc: Junk food of course! Cool Ranch doritos. Gatorade, etc.

Hyde: K.

Later that evening, he fucked me but wouldn't kiss me. I felt like Hammer with Timesy. The other day Brick and I watched a movie-- "Friends with Money." Narc is the perfect combination of the two guys Jennifer Aniston dates in that movie. Ugh. I also found out that he had made up his story about L's brother in Iraq. He invited her to meet up with him for drinks after he told me that he was already with her being supportive about her brother. He is a liar, but I already knew that. Oh, and apparently, he thinks PopStar is "cheating on him," but he still says he's in love with her and wants to marry her. As the Wizard once put it... a Mac truck is a Mac truck. No one to blame except for myself. There's no hatred for Narc left in me... only for myself.

I am seriously losing it, though. I feel so very lost.

In the meanwhile, I am awash with unwanted suitors. I had brunch with TT on Sunday, a new guy from AA-- OddBall called me to ask me out this weekend (I am so not interested, and it makes me feel "awkward"), and the Smolderer (from Cheers) has been calling trying to get me to go out with him and to buy into some herbal pyramid scheme he is selling. It's all bullshit.

I need to find a "higher power" and I can't. I need to backtrack.

I have decisions to make, but it's all so dark. And I don't trust anyone.

Anyway, gotta run now... I'm gonna be late to meet with the new professor.

love,
h

Repetition Compulsion

"You can't take it personally, Hyde," Brick said. "He will always choose alcohol over you. ALWAYS."

I suppose he's right.

But my leg hurts.

-h-

Good News!

I am a happy, happy, happy Hyde with good news all around!

The first piece of good news-- Brick has decided to get sober again. This is the best turn of events imaginable and I hope that I can be a good friend to him while he gets to where he needs to be.

The second piece of good news-- NDN's sister has won a radio contest in CA and gets to meet Kiefer Sutherland tomorrow! This, of course, doesn't impact my life directly, but if NDN's sister gropes Kiefer and then NDN gropes his sister and then gropes me... Well... indirectly, I might get something out of it.

The third piece of good news-- in a nauseating momentary lapse of sanity this afternoon, I sent Narc a text: I love you. I wrote. Then I got really scared, hid the phone under my pillows, went into the living room, turned on some music and tried to sweep the floor. I really thought I might puke, but I am tired of holding everything in, and I just wanted to tell him. Half an hour later, I got up the guts to check my phone. Would there be no response? Would there be a questioning response? Would there be a discouraging response?

My, we're emotional suddenly!! Love you too, call later. he wrote.

My heart is soaring.

It's good to be feeling better this week.

Oh-- and one more piece of good news-- I have almost ironed everything out in terms of an independent study I have to take this spring. I found a professor to work with and am going to meet with him on Tuesday.

Life is good when you wait for it... I'm glad I was patient last week.

Love,
h

Catch up! Catch up! Catch up!

I am long overdue for a post, so I'm just going to backtrack a little bit and get this blog up to speed...

Sunday, January 7th:

This was the Sunday after my dinner party. I was mad at Narc. He skipped out on my party and then called me drunk later that night, cursing at me and calling me names. That Sunday I was at Hammer's place having dinner with her and the Alaskan. Narc called and invited me over "to talk things out." I called him from the cab on the way there.

"I'm telling you now-- I'm not staying over tonight," I said.

"Yeah, fine."

I got to his place at around 11:00.

When I got there, Narc seemed a little "off." I couldn't tell if he were drunk or not, but when I asked him, he said he hadn't had anything to drink that day. He was watching some stand-up comic on HBO. He answered the door and led me over to the couch, redirecting his attention to the television. I sat down next to him and just looked at him.

"Are we going to talk, or what?"

"Um, yeah... What do you want to talk about?" he asked, flicking off the TV and turning to face me.

I just looked at him for a moment, unsure of what to say. I am so bad at confronting my feelings... at confronting the truth.

"Um... well... You were really mean to me on Friday night," I began. I wish I could rid the meekness from my voice.

"I said I was sorry about that."

He stared straight ahead. It was cold.

"I know, but still..."

"I don't know, Hyde," he said softly. "It's just that sometimes those monsters come out... the dark side, you know?"

"So you say," I muttered.

"What do you mean?" he shot back. "I never say that!"

"We had this conversation already, Narc," I sighed. "You said 'the demons come out.' Don't you remember?"

"We did?"

"Yes. We did."

"Well, I don't try to remember everything the way you do. You hold on to too much... live in the past."

"It's not that," I tried to explain. "It's just that if I don't remember, I feel like my reality gets fragile. I can be so easily convinced that these things didn't happen... that I'm crazy... I don't know."

"I'm sorry," he said again. "But did you ever think that you made your party the night of PopStar's birthday?"

I wasn't sure what to say to that.

"I didn't think about it," I answered. "But I suppose I knew... it was a year ago-- that night at the opera."

He didn't say anything.

"Is that why you're depressed, Narc? Is that making you more depressed."

He just sat there, staring away from me. His eyes were getting red.

"Narc? It's okay."

I put my hand on his arm. He still didn't say anything.

"Do you talk to anyone about this?" I asked.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean-- is there anyone in the world you talk to about your feelings? Anyone you can share everything with?"

"No."

"Maybe you should think about that," I said softly. "A therapist or someone? You can't stay like this-- so alone. You'll go crazy."

"I am," he said. His eyes were getting redder.

"You don't have to be alone," I told him.

Again, he didn't answer, so I just continued.

"I know you don't like me to mention AA and all that, Narc, but not even in the context of alcohol, it's helped me. It's helped me make a connection to other people. I'm not saying it's for you. I'm just saying that I know what it feels like not to be able to trust people... to get close to people. I see you. And you don't have to be alone if you don't want to be. There are good people out there."

"Trying to trust people isn't worth it," he said.

His eyes were glassy now. He was starting to cry. My heart hurt so much I couldn't bear it. I wanted to fix everything for him, but could do nothing. So, I just kept talking. I don't want to try to reconstruct what I said. I don't think I have it in me right now. But, I got through to him. Everything melted away for a moment. Everything. We weren't "Hyde" and "Narc." We were just the two of us with no labels, no construction, no roles.

"Can I hug you?" I asked him, tentatively.

"No... No," he said, getting up.

He went into the kitchen and opened the fridge. There was a tension in the air, as if he were struggling whether or not to raise or lower his emotional walls.

"A nice cold, crisp, diet coke for my Hyde," he said, popping open a can of soda.

I smiled at him.

"Let's go in the other room," he said.

I followed him into the bedroom. He pulled me down onto his chest.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I love you. I love you so much, I really do. I want to tell you that... know I should tell you that. I love you, and I'm sorry that I was mean. I want to stop drunk dialing you. I want to stop."

"I know," I said. "It's okay. I love you too. And it's all going to be okay."

The rest of the night is better left untouched in my memory. It's for me and Narc alone.

Monday, January 8th:

The next day I opened my eyes to Narc's white bed, white walls and white bedroom. The magic of the night before was gone. The whole world felt blank. Quiet. Strangely quiet and empty. It felt like a strange sort of emotional hangover. Ignoring it the best I could, I spent the morning at Narc's. He said he wasn't feeling well. We agreed that it must have been the excessive drinking... and maybe the sex. I left the apartment to get a coffee and then crawled back into bed with him. And in bed we stayed, with a brief excursion to the living room couch, until about 2:00 pm.

"I have to get out of the house today," he announced. "I have to. I'm going to go crazy living like this."

"Well, I've got therapy at 4:00."

"I don't want to be alone today," he said. "Can't you stay with me?"

Woah.

"You can come with me," I suggested. "Why don't we go back to my place and then you can just hang there for the hour I'm at my appointment."

I was surprised, but he agreed.

We got in a cab and picked up some Subway for lunch, but Narc couldn't eat much. I tried to feed him gourmet cheese and crackers, left over from the dinner party.

"It looks like you must have served up quite a feast," he remarked.

I didn't like leaving him when I had to go. I am still always so scared that he will get onto the computer and find my blog again, or that he'll peek around and find some diary or something and that he'll know how much I care about him... think about him... and it will disrupt the balance of the universe and leave me morbidly exposed. But, I had to go.

When I returned, he was parked on the couch, just where I left him. Some movie or another was on the television. We ordered dinner from Energy Kitchen. Narc didn't like his fruit shake, so I shared mine. At one point, NDN stopped by to show me his outfit before heading out for a date.

"How do you like my new look?" he asked Narc. "I'm taking a page from your book-- beard, untucked shirt, top button open..."

I was kind of ready to kill him for that one.

"I don't know if I'd take your fashion tips from me," Narc awkwardly laughed.

Yes-- NDN succeeded in making someone feel awkward.

Aside from that, it was a quiet night. It's always a little strange for me when Narc sleeps in my bed.

Tuesday, January 9th:

This day began just like the day before-- a lazy day for me and Narc. We slept in and decided to go to Houston's for lunch. Narc got impatient waiting for me to get ready (or to "mosey," as Brick likes to say). We walked the 20 blocks to the restaurant, so it was clear that Narc was feeling a bit better.

Lunch was interesting. We talked a lot, including a conversation on what makes an "ideal partner."

"I need a muse," Narc said. "Someone to inspire my writing-- to make me write. I need someone who will get me up and get me going... Someone who will make sure that I did my work that day... All the great writers have someone like that."

"That sounds more like a taskmaster than a muse," I remarked.

"No, really," he went on, "I need someone who will force me into shape."

"But, don't you just want someone who will love you the way you are?" I asked. "Someone who will nurture you? Accept you? I find more inspiration to move myself in the right direction from people who support and accept me than from those who criticize me and demand a certain standard..."

"That's what your friends are for," he said. "Your friends are there to be your 'pets'-- unconditionally loving. A partner has to demand perfection from you. Inspire you to be better! Make you work!"

"I guess we just have really different ideas about relationships," I said.

But maybe not, I thought to myself. We seem to both be drawn to people who make us feel inadequate. Maybe my tendencies to fall for "reclamation projects" is the same as Narc's search for a cold-hearted "muse."

The conversation was, at best, unsettling. We shared a brownie sundae. I think we were both depressed.

After lunch, we walked down to Union Square. Narc sat in the shoe store and waited while I tried on a pair of sneakers which I didn't buy. Then we poked around in the Virgin Megastore and Forbidden Planet. By that time, it was nearly 5:00 pm.

"I've gotta buy some milk and get to my meeting," I remarked.

"Yeah. I guess I'm gonna go home from here."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, sure."

I wanted to hug him.

"A hug?" I asked.

He laughed awkwardly. I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed as hard as I could.

And that was that.

Later that night, after the AA meeting, my sponsor pulled me aside and said she wanted to talk to me.

"Why haven't you been calling me every day?" she asked.

"Because I've been depressed," I said.

In truth, I don't know where the depression came from or why it left me so unmotivated to do such little things like make a phone call, but there it was...

I don't particularly feel like reliving that conversation with my sponsor, as it left me incredible irritated with her. In particular, I didn't like the fact that she said that she wishes I "would just trust her" and that when I didn't call it showed a "lack of respect" for her. Trust and respect had nothing to do with it in my mind. It was simply a matter of depression. I didn't know how to get myself to the starting point where she needed me to be. Of course, I hardly articulated any of that. I just nodded sweetly and promised to do better.

When I left her, I started to walk home and called BigSis, as she had left me a message earlier in the day.

And then I lost it. I started to cry on the phone with BigSis and everything started to spiral into chaos. I was sobbing and hysterical and telling BigSis that I had been feeling suicidal and that I couldn't help it and that I still feel suicidal here and there and can't stop it. I was utterly overwhelmed and alone.

She really helped me. I have to say, I am so lucky to have the family that I do. (It also doesn't hurt that she's a therapist!) She talked me through what I was feeling and cut it down into smaller manageable pieces and made a plan for me to get through the next day. I never would have reached out to her for help... it just sort of happened that we were on the phone when I had that breakdown... but I'm really glad that she was there and that I was able to expose myself like that. I'm usually much more controlled about what I present on the outside.

Wednesday, January 10th:

Anyway, the next day I was depressed and didn't do much all day until it was time for AA. Meema came over for a little while before the meeting and then we walked to our meeting together. Afterwards, I had plans to meet Dan for dinner. We ate at Blockhead's and then headed down to the East Village for a culinary adventure-- the now infamous chocolate pizza! It was good to spend time with a friend and it definitely did a lot to get me out of myself and out of my depression. We had fun.

****************************************

This is taking sooooooooo long to get through! I'm going to have to resume my efforts at blog catch-up tomorrow!

Good night!

love,
h

PS: Just a few little bits-- I got an email from my advisor today asking if I wanted to present a paper at a conference in April. Yay! Also-- Narc and I talked on the phone last night for over an hour. Weird. Also-- Remember PonyTailBoy? He was one of the rejects on last night's American Idol. I was laughing about it. Oh-- and one more thing. Narc put my toothbrush in his medicine cabinet. Ok... I'll shut up now.

Lifted Spirits

I am watching the Golden Globes right now and I have to make this a quick post because I really have to pee. Brick just left my house. Yes, we are talking again. He said that not having been in touch with me and only having access to my life through the blog left him with the impression that I am really depressed. I'm feeling much better, so I had to post and tell you all that.

Last night I watched the season premiere of 24 with Narc.

















Awesome! Awesome! Awesome!

Oh-- and Spins, if you want to know more about the chocolate pizza, I suggest you check out this video over at Dan's. Yes... I am the eye behind the camera!

Anyway... I'll be back soon with a longer update.

Glad to be feeling better. Now to the bathroom and then back to the Golden Globes. I'm already glad that Hugh Laurie won...

love,
h

Patience

I desperately need to write something new... about how everything resolved that night between me and Narc... about my extreme depression this week... about my doubts concerning my sponsor... about the chocolate pizza I ate with Dan on Wednesday night.

But I'm not ready to write again just yet.

Tomorrow I'm going out to Long Island to spend the afternoon with my parents. They just got back from Mexico. On the day they returned, Hammer and the Alaskan left for Mexico.

Today I saw "The Curse of the Golden Flower" with B and I bought myself a new iPod nano. I went to a meeting on the Upper West Side and spent the rest of the evening with Cherubino-- an AA friend. She's really cool.

Well... Like I said, I'll be back with the details. Be patient with me, if you will. I'm desperately trying to learn how to be patient with myself.

love,
h

Headache

I have a headache. It won't go away. All of the light bulbs except one have gone out in my living room. It's dark in here and my Christmas tree is dead.

I didn't leave the house today, but I'm going to a meeting tonight... I just got dressed.

I can't live like this another day.

I need an out.

h

Coming Together, Coming Apart.

I had planned to write more tonight, but then, I didn't plan on crying. I'm so fucking tired of holding everything together. I'm tired of being sober. I'm tired of not being perfect. I'm tired.

I cried it out, but it's still there... it's all in me and nothing has changed.

That said, things with Narc went as smoothly as possible. He called me on Sunday night when I was at Hammer's place.

"Hyde-eeen," he said, as he is prone to do. "We need to talk. Are you with people?"

"Yes, I'm with people."

"Can you call me when you're not with people?"

"Um, yeah..."

"So call me tonight."

"Okay."

Then I went back to watching "American Princess" with Hammer and the Alaskan.

Anyway, that night I ended up going to Narc's. I know how it sounds... but, it was a minor-miracle of a night. We had an honest, loving, open and vulnerable conversation and proceeded to spend the next two days together. But I'll tell you all about it tomorrow. My eyes are too red and swollen, and I'm too cried out to attempt it right now.

I was scolded by my sponsor today. I feel like I'm on the verge of giving up. I had two or three drunk dreams in the past week. And I don't feel like talking to anybody. I feel like a phony all the time because I don't want to engage with anyone. I hate people. And I'm fucking sick of life.

Okay, now I sound just plain nasty. I better stop writing before it gets much worse. Perhaps tomorrow will find me in better spirits.

Good night, all.

love,
hyde

His response.

He called me while I was on my way back from the opera.

"So, I got your email," he said.

"Yeah..."

"And, I have to tell you-- I don't even remember calling you. I must have drunk dialed again."

"Yeah."

"And, well, I don't remember saying that stuff. You know how it is..."

"Yeah. That's why I wrote you an email with the play by play."

"I went out with Ethan last night," he explained. "He came by to pull me out of my torpor. And then I ended up downing three bottles of champagne. You know... it was the champagne talking, so..."

There was a considerable pause.

"Is that all you have to say?" I asked, accusingly.

"I wasn't finished," he snapped back.

"So...?"

"What is this?" he asked. "Do you have some list of checkpoints that I have to get through?"

He was clearly angry with me now.

"You've got your whole list of things you're waiting to hear?"

"No, Narc. I only want to hear one thing."

"Well, I am sorry, Hyde, okay?" There was still an accusing edge in his voice. "What do you want from me? It was the champagne. I wouldn't take it personally if I were you. It didn't mean anything."

Nothing ever means anything with you, I wanted to say, but I didn't.

"Is that enough for you?" he went on. "It's just the alcohol. It's no big deal. Or does your cult tell you otherwise?"

"Narc, why are you attacking me?!? Don't I have the right to be hurt? I'm hurt. That's all."

"Yes, you have the right," he muttered.

"So... How was your dinner party?" he asked, with a change of tone.

"Fine. Although, I wish you were there."

"I wish I could have been there too," he said. "I wish I could have come, but I just wasn't up to it."

I felt myself losing it-- about to cry or about to twist myself in knots in order to give in to his logic.

"I can't talk about this right now, Narc."

"What's that?"

"I said-- I can't talk right now. I have to go."

"Okay. Well, give me a call later," he said.

"Fine. Bye."

"Bye."

And that was that.

I feel numb and sick at the same time.

-h-

Taking Action

Okay... so, I did something about it. I sent him an email. I feel nervous, but I did it. Here's what I wrote:

*******************
Narc,

Because I don't know if you remember...

Last night, after being "too depressed" to come to my dinner party, you called me just after 3:00 am and you were wasted. You said that there were police nearby and that you had to move or else you would be "arrested." I was confused and concerned and asked you what was going on, but you never explained. Instead, you told me that you got to a park in Tribeca and were sitting on a bench. I asked you if you were safe and you ignored the question.

I asked you what you had been doing.

"Thinking about that I didn't come to your party," you said, refusing to be any more specific than that.

I asked you why you didn't come.

"Because of you and me," you said.

I asked you what you meant. It was hard to get a coherent answer, but from what I was able to understand, you said something about not wanting to come because "there is NO you and me."

Immediately after that, you demanded that I get into a cab to come see you.

"Why would I do that?" I asked.

Each and every time I tried to speak, you interrupted me and said "fuck you." You called me a "moron" and a "wanker" and cursed at me repeatedly.

I could hardly get a word in through your barage of insults. Finally, you decided you had enough.

"You know where I live," you said. "If you want to come down here, get in a cab and come. I'm done. I'm DONE!"

And with that, you hung up on me.

So, basically-- you skipped out on my party, woke me up in the middle of the night, insulted and belittled me and then demanded I get out of bed and come to see you. And then, when I wouldn't, you hung up on me! WHAT the FUCK?

I understand that you were drunk, but I can't accept being treated with that kind of disrespect anymore. I don't deserve it. I feel bad for you, Narc. But I don't confuse pity with love anymore. I have tried to be a good friend to you and to be there for you the best I can in spite of my confused feelings and despite the fact that it eats away at my self esteem. I don't feel like you value me at all as a friend or as a human being. I'm tired of seeing myself as a worthless human being when reflected back in your eyes.

Do you remember Thursday night? You said that you love me. I don't know if you meant that, or if you just like to hear yourself say it. But, every time you get drunk you either tell me that you love me profusely or you call me names and curse at me and insult me. It's exhausting.

I wanted to have a nice evening last night. I worked really hard on the dinner and I was looking forward to you being there. I wanted to wake up today feeling good about it. Instead, I woke up this morning feeling sick and sad and angry and tired.

I don't deserve to be treated like that. I don't deserve it. So, stop it.

I DON'T DESERVE THIS.

hyde

I'm getting angry.

I'm getting angry, but I don't know how to nurture it and let it happen. I was sick again this morning-- the first time I've thrown up over Narc-feelings in a long time. Only, this time I wasn't throwing up because I feel powerless and out of control. It's because I feel angry.

I really hope you remember in the morning the disrespectful things you say to me. Unbelievable! I wrote to him last night.

That was after he flaked on my dinner party because he was too "depressed" to socialize, called me at 3:00 am wasted, called me a moron, cursed at me, demanded I get in a cab to come and see him, and hung up on me after a string of "fuck you's."

I don't know how to feel what I need to feel. I want to let it happen, but I'm short circuiting and it won't.

In any case, aside from Narc's antics, my dinner party was a smash. I'll tell you all about it soon. Today I'm off to see I Puritani with Meema.

I hate him. And I hate myself too.

I wish I could just hate him.

I wish I could really get angry.

The "New Year" in Review

I can't quite get myself in the mood to blog lately. Perhaps it's because I have my giant "year in review" post still looming over my head. In any case, here's a quick update as to what's been going on:

On the afternoon of New Year's eve, I had lunch with B and Drippy and B's little brother. Then we all went to see Pan's Labyrinth. I feel like Drippy is finally warming up around me and relaxing a little, which is nice. She and B asked me to do a reading at their wedding in August, which I feel a little strange about, but I agreed. I hadn't seen B's brother since he was 12. (He's now a sophomore at Harvard!). His brother was shy and cerebral and really sweet. He reminded me of a "little B," and it warmed my heart.

I went to my parents house for New Year's Eve. My cousins came by with their baby and LilSis, my parents and I watched Little Miss Sunshine. My stepfather left the room after a few minutes, though, because he said it was too "spooky" for him. Ha ha! Oh-- also a sign of how crazy my family is: My mom wanted to make baked apples. My stepfather had picked out a particular apple from the supermarket with a pink flush on it "because it was blushing." LilSis and I thought that was so cute that we refused to eat the apple. My mom suggested that we photograph the apple for posterity's sake and then eat it. We did. At midnight we watched the ball drop at Times Square on TV. My mom suggested we toast with Airborn. I insisted on soda instead. I was anxious.

On New Year's day, my mom and I listened to a radio program about Leonard Cohen and then she took me to the supermarket and drove me back into the city. That night I went back over to Narc's place where I watched him play Call of Duty III while laying on his floor reading a book. The next day, Narc and I met Hammer and the Alaskan for lunch at Manatus.

That was an interesting meal. Narc and the Alaskan were able to bond over things like Star Wars, while the Alaskan engaged the table in a hearty debate about Sartre. Shortly after lunch, Narc jumped into a cab and Hammer, the Alaskan and I headed over to the Tea Spot to chat some more about life (the "meta-" New Year's party they had attended, my ontological crisis of being when I'm with Narc, the merits of HBO's Rome, LilHammer's upcoming wedding, etc).

After that, we strolled in pursuit of some specialty food marts to buy tapioca to make our own "bubble tea" and then I had to load up on milk and head to AA. My new commitment for the giant Tuesday night meeting is to buy milk. I call myself "the milk maid."

("What do you need milk for at those meetings?" Narc asked. "For a special cult ritual," I told him. He laughed awkwardly. I'm glad he can see how stupid his criticisms of AA are...)

The meeting that night was fine. Later that night, we had an anniversary "watch" for my friend Leseco. So, I was up at the diner until past midnight, watching her bring in the celebration. It was nice.

On Wednesday, I met Dan for lunch in the afternoon. We ate at Ariyoshi and upon leaving, discovered the New York Theosophical Society nestled in on a street in my neighborhood. That afternoon, I hung out with another AA friend-- Cherubino. I went up to her apartment and we talked for a while and watched part of The Illusionist. I really like her. From there, I took a really long walk all the way down the East Side until I reached the place where I was to meet NDN for dinner. That's right folks-- NDN is BACK from Asia! I was excited to see him.

NDN looked delightful with a fully bearded visage. He gave me a scruffy hug and kiss hello and we ate sushi and talked about his trip with RDN. Back at his apartment, he gave me some trinkets from the trip-- items that truly need to be seen to be believed. Perhaps I'll photograph them and show them at some point in the future.

Yesterday I spoke at a meeting in the afternoon. I'll write more about that in a future post. That evening, B and I went to the movies. We saw Rocky Balboa and I absolutely LOVED it. Everything about it was just awesome. We had a little drama before the movie-- a classic old-school Hyde & B fight, but it all dissipated due to the delightfully sheer emotionalism of the movie. Afterwards, we ate Chinese and then I bid good night to B and met Bezoukhoff at Border's and he walked me home.

At my place, Bezoukhoff and I entertained ourselves by listening to Elvis gospel, watching parts of the 1932 film, Freaks, and perusing my high school year book. Oh-- and I also cleaned my kitchen a little. I'm throwing a dinner party tonight! So far, who's coming? Hammer and the Alaskan, Narc, Jake and his girlfriend, my college friend- KBH and Meema. It should be fun. But that reminds me, I have to go grocery shopping and finish cleaning my house right now. I promised BigSis I'd meet her to look at bridesmaid dresses for LilSis' wedding this afternoon. With that cutting into my day, I won't have too much time to get ready for the dinner.

So... more later.

love,
h

The Countdown Begins!

The Cowboy sent me this quiz on Myspace. The new season of 24 starts on January 14th. I can't wait!!!

In other news, Hammer and I had lunch today with Narc and the Alaskan. Strange... Oh, and I was asked to speak at an AA meeting at a detox center on Thursday. I'm nervous, but agreed to do it.

A longer post is in the works...

Lots of love,

H

What 24 Character are you?

You are Audrey Raines!

You are caring and compassionate. You put the needs of others before your own. You are smart and witty and can get out of the most complicated of situations. You know how to stand up for yourself and defend yourself if necessary

Goodbye Mystic...

Mr. Mystic writes that he is leaving blogland forever. He will be missed!!! But while it makes me sad, I guess part of welcoming the New Year is accepting change.

Happy New Year, everyone.

I hope you still come and visit, Mystic...

love,
h