Sobriety Sucks.

I'm not just depressed. I'm depressed and overwhelmed. I'm depressed and overwhelmed and anxious. I really want to isolate. I don't want to see another person's face. I just want to be in my house. I want to spit at people and kick them if I have to look at them. I hate everyone.

I have SO much blogging to do-- our trip, and last weekend's Gay Pride events, and now the 4th of July festivities... But I don't feel like writing about that right now. And I don't want to stop blogging just because I'm behind in what I told myself I would write about.

Brick and I had a great time on our trip, but we fought a lot too. And I also had a lot of strange anxieties. I felt afraid of being attacked... like I didn't want to stay in certain motels. And at one point, on a roller coaster we were completely in the dark-- so dark that I couldn't see my hands in front of me. And I panicked. I feel like a little girl and I feel like I'm going to be attacked if I don't stay vigilant. I hate those feelings. I don't understand them and they make me feel stupid. I mean, really... I'm a 27 year old woman!

It's hard to explain what Brick and I are fighting about. I know that anything I say here is going to make him feel "misrepresented." And besides, we've hashed it out several times now and still can't seem to come to a consensus, so what's the point? But the whole thing has left me feeling very alone, very misunderstood and very vulnerable. Brick brought up our fighting in group today and I argued with him about it there. I said what I had to say, I guess. But it left me feeling worse, not better. He left group quickly-- without saying anything to me. I think I made him mad at me.

I feel really dizzy today... dizzy, anxious, and like it's hard for me to think straight or see straight. My head hurts and things seem to be flashing in front of me. I feel like I have water in my nose. My ears are pounding. It won't stop and the world is far away.

My mom is coming back into the city tonight for another one-on-one session. That was making me anxious too, but I just spoke to her, and she made me feel a little better.

"Your still my baby," she said. "And even if I can't fix things, I can listen for an eternity."

I love my mom.

I'm also anxious about everything going on with my therapist. I feel like there is very little solid ground to stand on right now... very little for me to lean on. Sometimes I feel like I am free-falling. And sometimes I feel so trapped and constricted that I am going to implode. But in both cases, I am pummeled from one overwhelming and anxious moment to the next.

For God's sake-- my hangout with Narc on Monday night and Tuesday morning seems to have been the calmest, most familiar and most "stable" moment of the week. That's fucked up.

The only good news of the day? VJ is coming back to town until the second week of August. I haven't seen her in so long and I'm really looking forward to it. I could use a tried and true friend about now...

Sobriety sucks.
I wish I were still drinking.
But I know that I can't.

-h-