The Super Slip-Up: Explained

So I guess I have a bit of a story to tell, and some explaining to do...

On Friday, Bezoukhoff and I went to see a double feature at the Film Forum-- two fabulous movies from the early '30s which I'll have to tell you all about in a post to follow. After that, it was home and to bed for me at a relatively decent hour. At least I tried to make it a decent hour, but I had a lot of difficulty sleeping. I laid in bed for hours on end trying to fall asleep, but I didn't cave and go out to the bar or anything, so I consider it a relative success.

Saturday morning came and I hung out at home for the most part being lazy. I didn't want to go out and do anything, but I didn't feel like cleaning up the pig-sty/hell-hole that my apartment has become either. After talking to B for a while, I settled in to watch Dr. Strangelove. I had plans to go to Anxious' party later that night. She wanted me to come over early to get dinner and for a little tour of her neighborhood. (She recently moved to Park Slope in Brooklyn.) I REALLY didn't want to go though. You all know that Anxious and I haven't been "clicking"very well lately, and I didn't want to be there any longer than necessary. On the other hand two of my good friends from college, GoldenFinch and Contessa were going to be there in advance, and they both wanted to see me. Both of them called me several times that afternoon and asked me if I would come to the party early just to get some extra time in to talk. As such, I agreed to be there at around 7:00--a good two hours before the party "officially" started. I thought that should be enough to do the trick.

I got dressed and was ready to leave my house by around 6:15. I wanted to stop in at Cheers for a drink or two before being on my way. When I got there, they were closed, but I went in anyway. My Super was there fixing a light and BarMan and ThursdayGirl were hanging out with BarMan's roommate at the end of the bar. One of the Colombians was setting up.

"We're closed!" BarMan called out to me.

"Yeah, I know," I said. "I'll just use the ATM and be out of here."

Much to my dismay, my bank account was on empty. (I'm still waiting for a check to clear.)

They all asked where I was off to and I told them about Anxious' party in Brooklyn.

"Maybe I'll be back later," I said, laughing.

I said goodbye to the whole crew and set off for the Manchester instead.

When I got to Manchester, Sean Duffy and Maeve were both on duty. I said my hello's and ordered a Jack and Diet. I started to think about the Stallion. Actually, he had sort of been on my mind all afternoon. I still hadn't responded to his several attempts to contact me. I mean, I don't really feel like hanging out with him-- I feel like sex with him right now would complicate things beyond what I can presently handle, but at the same time, I don't want to burn that bridge either. It had been a week since he left that note with the doorman and he had since stopped by Cheers TWICE looking for me. If I didn't get in touch with him soon, it would just be uncomfortable to call him down the line. I decided to just make the call and to try to avoid making a concrete plan. I pulled that note out of my wallet and dialed his home number. His mother answered the phone.

"Um, hello. May I please speak with the Stallion?"

"Who's calling?"

"This is his friend, Hyde."

"Who???"

"His friend. HYDE," I said a bit louder.

Just then the Stallion picked up.

"Mom, I got it. You can hang up-- I got it."

Our conversation started out a bit awkwardly. The Stallion wanted to know everything I've been up to since I saw him last.

"Oh, well... I don't know," I said. "I haven't seen you in a while! Not since early May. Things have been chaotic. Kind of too much to go into."

"Like what, Hyde? What's been going on? I want to know what's happening with you!"

"Well... It's a lot. I don't think you really want to know."

"No, really! I do."

"All right... Here it goes..."

I proceeded to update the Stallion on all of the comings and goings between me and Narc over the past two months.

"Damn it, Hyde! Why didn't you call me when you were going through all that?" he asked.

I thought that was the strangest response possible. Just what kind of relationship does he think we have? I can't IMAGINE going to the Stallion for any kind of emotional support. Another odd part of the conversation-- when I told him that Narc kicked me out of his house for the Exhibitionist, the Stallion got upset.

"I can't believe he did that!" he said. "That guy just doesn't respect you at all. He's no good."

I thought it was amusing because the Stallion is cheating on his girlfriend by being with me, but at the same time he was morally condemning Narc. Weird...

Anyway, after two drinks and the phone call, I was ready to head to Brooklyn. The Stallion wanted to get together that night, but I told him I had to go to Anxious' party. Since he doesn't have a working cell phone and I can't call his mom's house late, there was no realistic way to arrange meeting up after the party. I think it's all for the best, but he was really adamant about meeting up soon, so we'll see how all of that goes...

When I got to Anxious' neighborhood, she, GoldenFinch, Contessa and Contessa's boyfriend were heading out to dinner. We went to a little sandwich joint. It was a nice dinner, but Anxious was getting on my nerves. I can't help it. She just rubs me the wrong way. On the way back to her apartment, she stopped at the supermarket and the rest of us stopped off for ice cream. GoldenFinch bought me a chocolate covered frozen banana on a stick, which I have to say, was a little embarassing to eat while walking down a busy street. Back at Anxious' apartment, Bezoukhoff met us. We met Anxious' roomate and they put up tiki lamps in the garden area behind the apartment. It was a nice set up. The party was fun--pretty mellow, just a lot of people sitting around talking and drinking. I didn't drink all that much. In addition to the two drinks I had before arrival, I only had three additional glasses of whiskey and all of that over a six-seven hour period. For most of the party I hung out with Bezoukhoff, Contessa and her boyfriend, and my friend NiS and his girlfriend, who came at my invitation. It was so nice to hang out with old friends. I miss having those girls around, and I miss being able to burst into song with my friends the way I could with my old choir friends. Anxious, GoldenFinch, Contessa and I couldn't resist and did a once through of "Lift Thine Eyes," one of our old favorites.

It was also strange to see BulgarianGuy out of the context of Cheers. He's a good guy, but there is inevitably a level of awkwardness there as I slept with him last year and now he's dating my friend. But, whatever...

At around 1:00 am, I started to feel really crappy. My head hurt, I was incredibly cranky and I was very tired. I swear it was alcohol related. I'm just not capable of drinking a little bit. It HAS to be all or nothing. And the strange thing is that it felt like I was having blood-sugar crashing symptoms. I've been doing some reading online, and will return to this subject at the end of the post. The bottom line is that I felt so shitty and tired that I just wanted to go home and go to sleep.

"What? Hyde leaving a party at 1:00 am!!!" Anxious demanded.

"Yeah, well, I'm not feeling well," I said.

I called a car service to get back to the city and Bezoukhoff waited with me outside until the car arrived. During the ride back I was pretty much falling asleep. I was in a strange mood though-- "not peaceful" is the only way I can describe it. I felt frustrated and pissed off, and I KNEW that if I went out and drank some more I would feel a million times better. I debated in my head what to do, knowing that what I SHOULD do and what I WANTED to do once again couldn't be farther apart. (Yes, once again, Jekyll and Hyde duking it out.) Well, my Hyde is almost always stronger than my Jekyll and when I got dropped on my corner I stopped over at Cheers.

Karaoke was going strong and I saw BarMan and ThursdayGirl at the back of the bar. I took a seat near the back and found that I was sitting next to FightingMensch's older brother, Kevin. Liu and I had hung out with him and FightingMensch back in December. At that time, Kevin had just returned from Iraq. I reintroduced myself and reminded him of that night. After that, we chatted for a while and I was glad because it saved me from a sleazy drunk guy to my right who kept asking me to dance. That guy said he was from California and seemed annoyed that I wasn't willing to make his NY vacation all that he "dreamed" it would be. Too bad!

Anyway, I also saw the Elvis guy there who I had exchanged numbers with on Thursday night. I was embarassed to see him because I KNOW how drunk I was on Thursday, but he was really friendly and came up and gave me a hug hello. We hung out and talked for a bit. He told me that he just moved to the city from South Carolina and he called himself a "karaoke whore." I thought it was funny. BarMan, by the way, was REALLY drunk. He wasn't there working, but rather, he and ThursdayGirl had gone to the theater and had stopped by Cheers to cap off the night. He kept hugging me and putting his arm around me as if we were best friends. It was highly entertaining.

"For once, you're drunker than I am!" I told him.

"I don't know, Hyde," he said. "I mean, there's a lot of people that come in here, but you, Hyde... You drink A LOT. I mean, A LOT."

"Well, not as much as you tonight," I said. "But don't worry... No judgements!" (BarMan always says that to me.)

He laughed when I said that.

Later he came to say goodbye and gave me a huge hug and a kiss. I probably would have been thrilled a few months back when I had a crush on him, but I'm definitely over that. He didn't leave at that point, but instead gave me the same hug and kiss goodbye several more times before he was finally on his way.

At around 3:45 the place cleared out. PumpedUp, IrishBird and I were the only ones left there. IrishBird sat me down at a table with her.

"I thought you weren't drinking anymore, Hyde," she said, concern in her eyes.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you said on Thursday that you went to that AA meeting."

"I told you guys that?"

"Yeah, you don't remember?"

"No, I don't. But you're right. I shouldn't be drinking. And I DID go to AA. And I probably need to go back."

PumpedUp overheard and laughed.

"No, Hyde, don't go to AA!" he said. "We need you around here!" He made some other kind of joke, but I really don't remember it right now.

I talked to IrishBird seriously for a little while longer and the whole thing just totally brought me down. By the time I headed back to my place I felt depressed and like a failure again, only worse, because I was drunk.

I came home, washed off my makeup and collapsed into bed. I started to think...about what, it's hard to say. It was kind of like I was thinking of everything (and nothing) all at once. My mind was spinning with all that has happened and all of the concomitant pressures.

I suddently wanted to call Narc. I don't really know why. I guess I just wanted to know that I still COULD call him if I wanted to. I didn't think he would pick up. I guess I just wanted to hear his voice on the machine. I called him from my home phone because I know that my home number is blocked by caller I.D., and I called him on his home phone so there would be less of a chance he'd pick up. (After all, either he would be out and have his cell, or he'd be asleep at home with the ringer off). I was SHOCKED when he answered the phone. At first I didn't say anything. There was silence for a few seconds.

"Hello? Hello?" he repeated. "Is anyone there?"

"Um, hi..." I meekly replied. "It's me..."

"Hyde?" He feigned surprise, but really... at that hour, who else would it be? "What's up?" he asked.

He was acting all casual, so I responsded in kind.

"Just thought I'd call and see what you're up to," I said. "So? What's going on?"

"Just hanging out... Drinking some wine," he said.

We talked for about 15 minutes. I really don't remember about what. Narc told me that he was watching some movie on TV and that there was a scene in which the characters were doing some coke.

"Damn, it's making me crave that stuff," he said. "I wish I had some here."

"Well, I still have some," I said. "I could always bring it down."

"Do you think that's a good idea?" he asked.

"I don't know, Narc." (What was I saying? I DID know!) "It's DEFINITELY not a good idea for us to hook up, I know that. But we could always just hang out. It doesn't have to mean sex." (What was I THINKING?)

"That's true," he said. "And I would really love to see you."

"Me too," I said. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too," he said. "A lot."

"Okay, well give me 15 minutes and I'll be right there."

I threw on my jogging pants and a T-shirt and put on a little makeup as fast as I possibly could. Then I took the coke and a razor, wrapped them in an envelope and stuffed it in my bra. I checked to make sure that the cat had food and dashed out the door.

When I got to Narc's house, it was weird. I haven't been there in three weeks or so. He answered the door and he looked different. He cut his hair and looked like he lost 10 pounds. Damn it! I've been steadily putting on weight, I think because of all of the emotional stress, and suddenly I felt worse about it, but whatever. At least he didn't answer the door naked. I told him that he looked good.

"I became a vegetarian," he said.

"What? Since when?"

"For about two weeks. But I think it's really good for me."

"What made you decide to do that?" I asked.

He went on to tell me some strange story about a "vision" he had in which an angel told him to be a vegetarian. (What the fuck?)

"Maybe I need an angel to come tell me to stop drinking," I laughed.

I asked him what he had been up to that night.

"Hanging out with CouchSleeper and James," he said. "But we headed back at around midnight. I've just been hanging out drinking wine since then."

"Yeah, I was surprised that you were up."

I sat down next to him on the couch and cut up the coke. We mostly talked about neutral stuff. I told him about my upcoming trip to Argentina with NDN and he told me that I have to visit the waterfalls in Iguazu. He called it the "heart chakra of the world." (Okay... I'm not quite sure that that means.) I have no patience for that kind of thing, so I just smiled and nodded. He told me that he's planning a six week tour of Europe and that he might leave as early as the beginning of August. Either that, or he's going to put it off until late September. He asked if I noticed that he had gotten a little sun-tan.

"Yeah, you got some color," I said. "Been spending time at the beach?"

"Uh huh. I went to Sandy Hook last week with the Exhibitionist."

"I know," I said. "I saw it on your blog."

"Really?" He smiled. "I think you're the only one who even reads that thing."

"Well, I've checked it once or twice," I said. "But if you don't want me to, I won't read it anymore."

"No, don't worry about it!" he said. "I don't put anything up there that I'm not okay with the general public knowing about."

"Oh, okay."

We stayed up talking for a few hours. Finally, at around 8:00 am, I started to feel a comedown from the coke and there was no more left. I wanted to go to bed.

"I think I've got to turn in soon, Narc," I said.

"But we still have so much wine left!" he protested.

Sitting on the coffee table was half of an enormous jug of wine. There was NO WAY I was going to be able consume any more of that, let alone finish off the bottle!

"I can't go there," I said. "I need to go to sleep. But it's fine, if you want to stay up. I'll just go to sleep right here."

I laid down on the couch and positioned the pillows beneath my head.

"Don't sleep out here," he said. "Come sleep with me in the bedroom."

"But I thought we said we weren't going to do that," I said.

"We're not. You can leave your clothes on." (Gee, thanks.)

"Are you sure it'll be okay?" I asked. "I mean, I don't want to be stupid about things, you know?"

"Hyde, it's SO not a big deal. Just come in the bedroom with me. It'll be fine. I promise."

"Well, okay..."

I got into the bed first, keeping my clothes on. When Narc came out of the bathroom he stripped naked and got in the bed next to me. He pulled me in and held me so tightly and so closely. He started to stroke my hair.

"Hyde, I wanted to tell you something about that whole Exhibitionist thing," he said.

"No, please, Narc," I said. "I really don't want to go back there. There's no point. Let's just leave it alone."

"No, really, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry..." He paused, and I waited. "I mean, you were right about that. I shouldn't have done that. And I'm sorry."

I was dumbfounded. Honestly, that was the LAST thing I expected and I'm so glad that he said it. I don't think he's any different or that he's changed, but at least he has been thinking about things, about what happened between us, and at least on some level he knows that I wasn't being irrational about the whole thing. I don't think he would ever admit something like that in the light of day. But at that moment, in the dark, with him holding me again, I just felt love coming from him, and it was a moment that existed outside of reality. He never let go of me the entire night. Every time one of us tried to shift positions, he would hold me tighter so that we had to move together. It was like I was his teddy bear or something. And he seemed to need it so badly.

Remember, we didn't get into bed until a little after 8:00 am, and we were both a little coked up, so we only slept for a few hours. Around noon, in kind of a haze, I opened my eyes. I had a headache and Narc was kind of pressed into my side and masturbating. Well, I don't think I need to give you any more details, but one thing led to another and we spent the next few hours having sex. Both of us were exhausted though, and we both fell back asleep for a while more after all that. When I opened my eyes and finally felt alert and back to myself I reached for my cell phone to check the time. It was 4:15 pm. I nudged Narc.

"Hey, it's 4:15 already," I told him. "Guess we sort of slept the day away."

"Oh, shit!" he said. "I had a party to be at in Dobbs Ferry at 2:00!"

"Ooops..."

"Well, I guess I'll just call them in a little while," he said.

We had sex a few more times after that. He was so tender and hugging and kissing me gently all the while. Weird. I don't think I'll EVER be able to make complete sense of him. Anyway, after that, he got up and hopped in the shower. I laid around in bed. He called his friend and told him that he wasn't coming. At that point, based on the next train he could get there, he wouldn't have been able to be at the party until 7:00.

Narc and I hung out at his place for a while more, just talking casually. Neither of us addressed what had just happened between us. Now that we were wake we went back to the "rules" set the previous night-- no being physical or acting like there's a "relationship."

"I have a craving for Indian food," he said. "Wanna go get something to eat?"

"Yeah, okay. Let me just pack my stuff."

I looked a bit of a wreck, but there was no helping it. I was exhausted and the extreme humidity made it a waste to try to do anything with my hair. I put on some mascara and lipstick and we were off.

We walked over to Salaam Bombay on Greenwich Street. We ordered a few veggie dishes to share, and genuinely had a good time. For an hour or so, I almost forgot everything that had gone down between us. We were just two people having good conversation and sharing a meal.

Narc was telling me that he has been really lonely lately. He said that when he moved to NY he had hundreds of acquaintances-- people he partied with and who he could call up at a moment's notice to make plans. He let most of those relationships drop off because they weren't "genuine," and was left with handful of close friends. Most of those friends are in long term relationships now, though, and they aren't available to bum around on his schedule. As such, he's basically left with no one.

"I know it's a sign, though," he said. "One chapter is ending and another is beginning. Even with my work."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I'm pretty much done with the script-writing. I need to raise production money now and I know that once I start the shoot my life is going to be filled with all new people. I just need to find some good people. I think it'll be that way-- a new life when I get back from Europe."

It felt weird to be having that kind of conversation with him. I mean, there he was saying how he has no one to spend time with and no one genuine in his life, but he totally rejected having a relationship with me. It was hard for me to feel bad for him on that one. I asked him what has been going on with CouchSleeper and James lately. Narc told me that James is separating from his wife again.

"But didn't they just have a baby?" I asked.

"Yeah, but she's probably moving with the baby to San Francisco."

"What??? Isn't he upset that she's taking his baby to the other side of the country?"

"Well, she's crazy. He can't control what she does," Narc said.

"He can get a court order for visitation," I said.

"But she's so difficult," he said. "I don't think James will even bother."

What kind of people are these? I can't IMAGINE not being upset about my baby being taken away! Again, very strange...

After the meal Narc and I got up and there was an awkward pause. What was going to happen next? Would I leave and never see him again?

"So, I guess I'll get going," I said.

"I've got nothing to do," he quickly answered. "Want to go for a walk around the water?"

"Okay," I agreed. We headed West towards Battery Park.

The whole city was shrouded in gray. The fog was so thick that you couldn't see the tops of any of the buildings and the air hung heavily. My skin felt sticky. The water was murky and choppy although I didn't feel a breeze. I couldn't look away from it. We walked along, following the same path that we had taken that Monday night that he "kicked me out" for the Exhibitionist. God, by now, that's nearly a month ago! There were some long silences during our walk and I felt pressured to say something. It's because there was such a strangeness hovering between us. What was going on? Were we "friends," or was this the last time I would ever see him?

We swung around to the highway and started walking North back to his place. His cell phone beeped, letting him know that he had a message.

"Hold on. Let me just check my voice-mail."

I waited for him to finish.

"Holy shit! She's crazy!" he said, hanging up the phone.

"Who?" I asked.

"The Exhibitionist! I'm worried about her. It's like she's having some kind of nervous breakdown."

"That's terrible," I said. "What happened?"

"I don't know. She's just mad at me and now she's out of control. She just told me in that message that I could 'rot in hell!'"

"What??? Why is she so mad at you?"

"Well, last week or so we were having some talk. She was typically going on about why she hasn't found 'the one' and about how she's worried that she never will."

"And?"

"Well, I told her that the reason she hasn't found anyone is because she constantly goes after guys who aren't interested in her. After that, she flipped out and started screaming at me. She was like, 'You have no fucking clue! You don't know me at all, asshole!' and stuff like that. And then she stormed out."

"I guess you struck a sensitive spot," I said.

"Yeah, and then a few days later, she called me and she was like 'Fuck you, Narc! For your information I HAVE a boyfriend now!' Well, I told her there's no fucking way. I mean, no man in Manhattan goes out on ONE date with you and then calls himself your boyfriend!"

I laughed.

"And now this," he went on. "I guess she's having some kind of problem getting onto her website. She's all hysterical and telling me that if I fucked with her website I'm going to 'rot in hell.' Whatever..."

"I don't know, Narc," I began. "That seems like a REALLY strong reaction to your comment. Are you sure that's the only thing you did to piss her off?"

"Yeah, absolutely. Everything was totally fine, and then she flipped out."

"Well that doesn't make much sense," I said. "Has she behaved irrationally like this before?"

"I guess she's always been this way," he said. "Like once, a while back, we were out for drinks and she was telling me about some asshole guy she was seeing in NJ and I told her to stop hooking up with him. Because he wasn't that interested, you know? So she was like 'Don't worry--I would NEVER EVER!' Then, a little while later, she got up and left the bar. I thought she went to the bathroom or something, but after twenty minutes or so, she never came back. I called her cell and asked her where she was. She told me that she was on her way to NJ because she just had to see that guy. But she just left me there. It was so rude. I mean, you don't start the night with one guy and then ditch him for another!"

I thought of the time that Narc pressured me to ditch the Stallion for him in the same night. And when he ditched me for the Exhibitionist. Not worth bringing it up though. It just wasn't worth it.

It started to rain. We walked on.

"I don't know why I draw these people though," he went on.

"She sounds a little unstable," I said.

"Yeah. I mean, I guess it's a good thing I realized this about her-- that she's crazy and all, before anything more serious happened."

"More serious?" I asked. "I thought you guys were just friends."

"Yeah, well we are. Or, I guess were. She's just someone to go to the movies with and stuff," he said. "Now who do I have to call for that kind of thing? Absolutely no one."

Again, I thought it was an obnoxious comment to make, given that he has totally rejected the notion of spending time with me and was now absorbed in self-pity.

"How did you meet the Exhibitionist anyway?" I asked.

"Oh, online," he said, a bit embarassedly. "I have a really old profile up on Nerve and she sent me an invitation to chat."

"Oh..." I replied.

"Yeah, we went on one date a while back, but we were both like 'this doesn't work,' so we've just been friends since then."

"Oh, okay," I said. "But that's a lot of drama for 'just friends,' don't you think?"

He didn't really answer. By that time we had reached his street.

"So, are we going to get you home or what?" he asked.

"Definitely. I have some editing to do tonight," I told him.

I walked over to the corner to get a cab. Narc followed me.

"You don't have to wait with me," I said. "It's raining. I don't want you to get soaked."

"No, it's fine," he said. "It's only a little water."

Despite myself, I thought that was sweet. Narc hailed me the cab and opened the door for me. We didn't hug or anything and it was a really awkward moment.

"Bye," I said.

"Bye. We'll talk soon," he replied.

And with that, I shut the door and was off.

Back at my place, I tried to process what had happened. I hung out at NDN's for most of the evening and we watched two episodes of Family Guy. NDN made himself some linguini with white clam sauce. He was very proud of his clam sauce made from scratch! I was super tired and just coming down from all of the drugs and alcohol and was asleep by midnight.

This morning I met B for brunch at 59th street. After that, we went out for coffee and then I went over to my voice lesson. I did much better at this lesson (in terms of breathing) than I did last Thursday, so I'm pretty hopeful about getting back into shape fast. The weather is so muggy and disgusting, though, that I really just wanted to come home after that.

My final analysis on the Narc and Exhibitionist situation: They went on one date in late March, but she's not interested in him. (He's said to me in the past that she's a 'prude' and he constantly complains that she's always talking about some guy or another that she wants to get with.) There must be some sexual tension there though, and Narc definitely wants to get with her. I mean, that's clear from the amount of attention that he gives her and by the fact that he responds immediately to her every call. And besides, I just can't believe that Narc didn't do more to make her react so "irrationally."

None of that matters though, because it really is over between us. I was worried that seeing him again would just reignite all of the flames of love. It didn't happen though. I mean, my feelings are far from netural where he is concerned, but the "smoke" that has cleared from my eyes over the past few weeks is still cleared. He seemed a little pathetic to me, and not the nicest guy. Also, I'm having a harder time feeling sorry for him because I OFFERED him love and company and he rejected them both. So now, when he whines that has no love and no company, and he's complaining to ME, what am I supposed to think???

All in all, I think it was a positive lesson learned--that I DON'T love him as much as I think I do. And I guess that time really does heal. I just need to give it a lot more time. If he really does take that six week European vacation, I think I'll be cured for good.

The last thing that I wanted to say here is on the whole "alcoholism" issue--

I am clearly having trouble doing a complete abstinance program. And I honestly don't know if that's necessary. I mean, I don't think I have a physical addiction at this point; I just think it's a lifestyle thing and a sort of psychological dependency. I don't want to set myself up for failure though. I don't want to try to stop and then fail and then end up with feelings of inadequacy like those I posted about last week. I think if that happens often enough, I'll just give up. So I was talking to NDN and he had another idea. Instead of limiting my intake each time I go out (because I ended up feeling like crap) I'm going to try to limit the number of days I go out. Then, on those days, I won't limit myself or beat myself up if I drink too much. This week, I'm aiming to get through until Thursday. If I do that, then I can go out on Thursday night and do whatever the fuck I want. I think it'll do a lot to make me feel more productive and to build a new routine if I can spend most days of the week without drinking. So that's my new plan.

And as for why I felt so crappy with the moderate drinking at Anxious' party, here's an excerpt from some of the stuff I found online having to do with alcohol and blood sugar--


Alcohol stimulates the liver to convert stored sugar (glycogen) into blood sugar (glucose). Alcohol-induced blood-sugar increases may be a source of alcohol cravings in alcoholics. In some people (like me) a lot of insulin is dumped into the bloodstream to deal with the sugar that then brings an immediate drop in sugar (leading to a headache, etc. It's like having a hangover right away unless you have a second drink to keep the sugar level up in your blood).

When the blood sugar rises, the quick release of insulin occurs. This lowers blood levels of most large amino acids except tryptophan, which remains in the blood and can enter the brain. As a result, serotonin levels rise, but blood-sugar levels also rise and fall dramatically. When blood sugar levels fall, the serotonin falls as well unless something more is consumed to repeat the cycle.

Caffeine has an effect similar to that of sugar-- it triggers the release of stored glycogen to temporarily increase the blood sugar level.

(FYI, for those of you who don't know, I used to be a major caffeine addict too!)


Anyway, I already know that I have insulin-balance problems which I'm supposed to be on medication for (if I ever remember to take it) so it's no wonder that alcohol fucks up my whole system.

In the end, though, the why and the wherefore doesn't make much of a difference. Whatever the reason, I have to do something to get all this under control. And as for Narc... I still think it's best that this thing is completely over. I'm only a little nervous that I've lost the "moral highground" in case he calls me drunk. I have to formulate a plan of action to be ready for that one.

That's it for now... Once again, this post got dreadfully long, but I guess I had a lot to say!

Hope you're all well!

-Hyde