Yesterday I got the following email from Narc:
Sorry, don't worry about the calls, just me being depressed and needing someone else to talk to (and realizing I had absolutely no one else to call...).
You're right, we still need a very long break from each other, if not an indefinite one. Will try not to interfere again.
Be well
--N
Of course that plucked the strings of my heart and brought on a bout of guilt. I waited as long as I could and then I replied today:
It wasn't "interference." I'm just sorry you were feeling depressed and even sorrier that I can't be there and be a friend to you right now. I'm thinking of you, though, and wishing you well.
As for the rest, like you said...we'll see what comes down the road. Please take care.
-Hyde
Yesterday I went to an AA meeting. I don't know how I feel about all of that though. I should go again today, but I don't know if I can bring myself to do it. What prompted that? Monday night was fucking awful. I wrote in my journal until my handwriting was illegible and it scares the shit out of me that I lose that much brain function. I was writing the most depressing stuff too... It wasn't me. Those aren't my thoughts, but there they were on the page. Also, I checked the calls list in my cell phone. There was a call from last Thursday night/Friday morning at 4:10 am, OUTGOING from my cell to Narc's home. The call lasted 20 minutes. I had no fucking clue that we talked. I had been going on the assumption that we hadn't. I have NO memory of it and no idea about what might have been said. It makes me feel sick.
Whatever... Suddenly, I'm not in the mood to blog anymore, so I will end this post here.
I feel like I'm at an emotional crossroads yet again.
And I don't know which road to take.
4 comments:
Try another meeting, I think.
And be kind to yourself. Last night I *did* drink and got into a rotten miserable wanting to contact him mood and made myself go to sleep because the urge was just too strong. This morning, chocolate.
xoxo
Hyde, I am proud of you for going to the meeting. Try another one. This is good for you, and it will "kick your ass" as you always like to say. I do think that the drinking has a lot to do with your depression and your pride and stuff. I know it's hard but if you invest the time perhaps you will be pleased with the results.
Oh Hyde, I'm so sorry about this latest rough patch. What was it about AA that makes you not want to go back? If you're worried about your drinking (and I know you are) that sounds like an ideal first step. On the other hand, I've never gone to one so I don't know the pros and cons.
Please, don't ever feel guilty when it comes to Narc. You didn't do anything wrong. The fact that he is manipulating you into feeling sorry for him is continuing proof that he is not your friend.
Going to a meeting is good, especially if your drinking feels like a problem...and I agree with hammer, if you don't like one, try another. They are each pretty different.
Another thing to do...read Rachel's Holiday (it's fiction and has some funny stuff in it). I thought it was excellent and I really like the author, though I can't remember her name at the moment.
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