Culture and Continuity

Well, here I am, still rolling along... All of what has happened with Narc has left me with a confused knot in my stomach-- a sort of anxiety that I can't rid myself of because I know that the only cure is time.

As such, I've been trying to keep busy with other things--non drinking/non-Narc things, and for the most part, I've been successful. I haven't drank since Saturday night and I haven't Narc'd since the text exchange that I posted here.

What have I been doing? Well, for one, the fabulous festival that they have going over at the Film Forum--Paramount Before the Code has been a source of pure pleasure and sheer entertainment over the past week. They're showing Paramount movies made in the early '30s--before the Hays code went into effect. As such, the movies are full of all sorts of scandal--rape, illegal drugs, premarital sex all around, gangsters, show girls, etc. Too bad it ends this week! I've been three times already, and I've seen six films (as they're all double features).

• Friday Night:
  Jekyll and Hyde (I went with Bezoukhoff) starring Frederic March and Miriam Hopkins
  The Story of Temple Drake again, starring Miriam Hopkins (with Jack La Rue as a remarkably memorable villain!)
• Tuesday:
  Kick In starring Clara Bow
  Two Kinds of Women starring Miriam Hopkins and Phillips Holmes
• Wednesday:
  A Farewell to Arms starring Gary Cooper and Helen Hayes
  Morocco starring Gary Cooper and Marlene Dietrich

All of them had fabulous moments-- Jekyll and Hyde was spectacle all the way with some really strange camera angles and a brutal sexual murder scene. Temple Drake had a motley crew of bootleggers, several suggested-rape scenes and a villain who never took his cigarette out of his mouth. In the end, the blonde-curled Temple behaved as a good southern belle should and stood behind her family name ("even though" as the lawyer interrogating her pointed out, "she's a woman"). Kick In was probably my least favorite, although it was fun to hear 1930's gangster slang and see the early Hollywood depiction of a heroin addict. Two Kinds of Women had a great premise--a conservative Senator from South Dakota travels to New York City to debate whether New Yorkers represent Americans in general. Of course, it got a lot of laughs from a NY audience. The senator's daughter, fascinated by NY glamour, convinces her father to let her come along and of course gets swept of her feet by a rich playboy and caught up in a scandal caused by his alcoholic ultra-wealthy glamorous, lazy and cynical New York friends. Most of you probably already know the story of Hemmingway's A Farewell to Arms. The movie was sweet and melodramatic, but my favorite scene came at the end. Set to the overture of Tristan and Isolde (presented even slower and more drawn out than a Bernstein interpretation!), Helen Hayes slowly and nobly dies, promising Gary Cooper that she'll love him for eternity. As she goes, the Liebestod music swells to a climax, he lifts her dead body out of the hospital bed, and holding her in his arms, standing before the window with the sun streaming through he cries out "Peace!" Of course, at that very moment, bells ring everywhere and doves are released because the cruel war-torn world has finally reached an Armistice. And last but not least, Marlene Dietrich steals the show in Morocco. At the start of the movie, she is cool, composed and in control. Just one look from her causes every man in the room to drop to his knees. She kisses a woman on screen and asks a nightclub audience how much they're willing to pay for her "apples." Unfortunately for her, she is driven mad by love for the lowly but charming lady-killer Gary Cooper (although I'll never understand why she chooses him over her rich and sweet fiancee, Adolph Menjou) and she wildly and passionately sets off barefoot to follow Cooper through the African desert without a sole possession. There are two Mae West movies playing tonight--the last night of the festival, but I'm kind of exhausted today, so I haven't decided yet whether or not I want to go. Overall though, it has been such a treat. I LOVE old movies!

I've also taken some measures to restore my health. I finally went back to see my endocrinologist on Tuesday who fortified my resolve not to kill myself via my lifestyle. For the past two days I've been a good girl about taking my medicine (and by that I don't mean the illegal kind, but rather the prescribed kind). The bad news--maybe it was a bad reaction, or maybe it's Narc boiling in my blood, but I spent Wednesday morning vomiting for no apparent reason. I had been awake for a few hours that morning and had not yet eaten anything, so I really don't know what brought it on. (All I can say is thank God I know it's not morning sickness!)

I'm glad it subsided though, because I had plans to meet Dan for lunch and a trip to the Museum of Modern Art. I hadn't been to MoMA since before the renovations, and I've heard mixed reviews (although for the most part negative) about the way they rearranged the exhibits. I was anxious to see it all for myself.

Dan and I met over at Ariyoshi--a small Japanese joint in our neighborhood. After lunch (which was quite delicious!) we headed across town to the museum. I wasn't aware (until Dan told me) that I had free access to the museum with my student ID--a fact that I won't forget in the future. First we toured the sculpture garden. The sun was beating down on us and interesting characters abounded. Then we headed inside to the painting and sculpture galleries.

I have to say, I found the new arrangement awkward. It isn't quite chronological (as it used to be). Instead, it was organized by movement (Expressionism in one room, Futurism in another, Fauvism in another, etc). But because of the layout, we found ourselves backtracking through rooms we had already visited in order not to miss something on the other side. For example, leaving the Expressionists, we were forced to choose between the Fauves and the Cubists. We went left and saw the Fauves first, but then had to go back through Expressionism to see the early Cubist stuff. I wasn't happy about that!

I've already seen the painting and sculpture collection on many occasions, so there were no big surprises. What did surprise me was the Architecture and design gallery which I had never taken the time to visit before. It was fabulous to see every day objects taken out of their "functional" context. There were a lot of pieces from the Bauhaus and a lot of Constructivst work. I wasn't aware the museum had all that in their collection. We also perused through the drawings and photography, albeit without as much depth. By 5:15, I was fairly exhausted and besides, we had to get going if we were going to get dinner and make it to the movies in time.

We headed down to Houston street and bought our tickets in advance. Then we settled in for an Italian dinner not far from Hammer's house. (Speaking of which, I miss her!!!) We cabbed back uptown and said goodnight.

After I settled in at home, I got a call from an old friend who I haven't spoken to in quite some time--Anxious' ex-boyfriend, Buke. I've known him for about nine years--they dated for eight years and broke up last year. He and I have always been pretty good friends and stayed friends through their breakup. Even so, we fell out of touch over the past six months. You guys all know that I've been going through emotional chaos since December or so, and to some extent, so has he. As such, we just weren't connecting. He has always been sensitive about calling him back right away, etc. and when I didn't call him promptly enough, he stopped talking to me. He made an effort to get in touch again in late April/early May, but I was consumed with Narc issues and didn't have the energy to "work" on our friendship. Anyway, I guess he thought it was worth it to try again, because he called me last night and caught me by surprise. I'm glad he called because I missed talking to him, and it was good to catch up (although much of what I had to report was drama and bad news). Anyway, he lives out on Long Island but is going to be in the city tomorrow, so we made plans for lunch. Then I have plans to meet Contessa for dinner--it'll be a day of old college friends!

Today I had lunch with NDN at Maharaja before heading over to my voice lesson. The lesson went well and I easily warmed up to a high "F." The guy whose lesson comes after mine got there a little early and told me that my "loft voice" sounded great. It made me feel really good about things. Even better, I was listening to cheesy Elvis gospel, so on the way home, the whole world seemed to be on my side.

I've got plans to meet my friend NV tonight, and since I've held off drinking since Saturday, I'm going to give myself a "pass" tonight if I want it. The only caveat is this persistent knot in my stomach named Narc. I can't seem to stop thinking of him. But I can't really think about him either because I just don't know what to think. So it simply manifests as anxiety.

Anyway, hope you're all well and I'll update again soon!

Hyde