Cleaning the Slate

Yay! Good news first-- I am no longer a library sinner. I just returned nearly thirty books this morning (some of them due as long ago as March) and it cost me a whopping $164.00, but I have a clear conscience. I also got my registration pin and I feel like I'm refocusing a little. Phew!

This weekend was both good and bad. I had a lot of fun and spent time with people I care about, but in the end, I was left with the overwhelming sense that my life is a fucking mess and I'm the only one responsible for that. I literally live in chaos. I generate chaos non-stop and I drink too much. I really really REALLY want to find a way to get things under control.

Anyway, on Thursday I wasted most of the day hanging out at home and watching TV. That night I went out to Cheers for a few hours and did some of that editing work for IronChef that I mentioned in an earlier post. NDN stopped in at Cheers and asked if I wanted to come over for dinner. We were waiting to hear from Oc and his friends about plans for the night. NDN whipped up a very healthy concoction involving tuna, salad, salsa and tortillas. In the meanwhile, Oc called and said that they were just going to be chilling on their rooftop in Brooklyn. NDN didn't want to go all the way to Brooklyn, as it was already around 11:00, but I agreed to go. First I went back to Cheers and had a few more drinks. By the time I bought a bottle of wine and hailed a cab, I was noticeably drunk.

On the way there, I chatted it up with my Haitian cab driver. It was fun to practice my French. Oc's new apartment is a HUGE loft (shared with two friends). Very cool. We hung out on the roof drinking and smoking for hours on end. I didn't even mind the misting rain. By the early morning hours, I was pretty wasted and don't remember much. I DO know that I got all emotional about a lot of things and probably embarassed myself. I also remember Oc brushing my hair. (???) Then I remember losing an earring and someone else finding it. I drunk-dialed Narc once and then drunk-texted myself not to worry because I "didn't leave a message." I know myself too well... At least I managed to save myself that small anxiety the next day.

On Friday morning, I opened my sticky eyes at around 9:00. I was in NO shape to get up yet. I still needed to sleep it off. But I had promised IronChef to get her the bulk of the editing work by that afternoon and I still needed to type up my comments for her. I dragged myself out of bed and over to the computer. It was quite a "feat of stregnth." I finished up around 10:30 and then crawled back into bed to sleep for two more hours.

I wished I could have slept the day away, but alas! It was not in the cards, as I had lunch plans with Anxious. I barely bothered to make myself presentable before jumping in a cab and heading to Bloomingdales. Lunching there is a favorite pastime of Anxious'.

Our lunch was relatively pleasant. She gave me some free makeup samples and complained about how she feels her roomate is "spongeing off her." She did manage to make two rude remarks--both concerning B, but I guess that's to be expected from her at this point. After lunch I had to do some makeup shopping, as I promised LilSis some new stuff for her recent birthday. I must have spent at least an hour at the MAC counter and I came away with two eyeshadows and a blush for her, an eyeshadow, eyeliner, lipglass and two lipsticks for me. Oops! I also picked up a new foundation at Laura Mercier, so I was a happy girl by the time I exited into the rain.

That night I headed back out to Cheers. I ate dinner there, hung out with IrishBird and drank two glasses of wine. I was again waiting to hear from NDN and Oc about the evening's plans. NDN was out to dinner with a friend and he was waiting to hear from Oc himself. As the evening wore on, I started to get cranky and pissed off. I texted NDN a few times and he apoligized for Oc's flakiness. I was getting really tired and cranky and figured it was probably better to go home at that point anyway.

Back at home, I collapsed on the couch with Law & Order SVU and drifted off to sleep. NDN eventually stopped by with his dinner partner and her niece. He was tipsy and in a good mood, but I was in no mood to socialize anymore. I was asleep by 11:00.

On Saturday morning I had to get up early. I was heading to Long Island for a surprise 30th birthday party for my step-cousin. Before the party I wanted to go to the hospital and visit my brother. So I woke up at 7:30, wrapped LilSis' birthday present and set off to meet BigSis at Penn Station. My mom and LilSis picked the two of us up in Bayside and we had a great visit with my brother. I hadn't seen him in a few weeks and when I walked in he gave me a huge smile and pointed at me as a greeting. It was hard to see him with his head shaven all stapled up from the recent surgery, but I tried not to think about that. We played some games with him and practiced teaching him colors. It's weird, his quantitative skills are better than his labeling skills. For example, he'll know that seven is larger than six, but he won't remember the names for the numbers. So re-learning colors, he was having a little difficulty. We had fun trying to entertain him and make him laugh though. My aunt and uncle (my mom's brother and his wife) stopped by for a while too.

"So, how do you like living in the city?" my uncle asked.

"Um, well, I've been there for almost 10 years now," I said.

"Oh, right, right..."

Whatever...

After we left the hospital, we headed to a beach near my mom's house where the party was being held. It was a BBQ and the food was delicious. It was my step-father's side of the family (all of the Italians, so you know the food was good!) minus my stepsisters. There's still so much tension in the family because of their bitch of a mother. They probably didn't come because she would make them sorry if they showed up to any event having to do with their father's side of the family. I had a good time though, hanging out with my sisters and step-cousins. There were SO many babies at that party. Everyone kept asking my sister when she was going to have one. My mom kept saying that she really wants to be a grandmother and joking that she doesn't care who has the kid first--my sister or one of her "unmarried" daughters. I'm SURE she would care though... The comments made me feel really weird.

My mom drove me back to the train at around 8:30. We had a really personal talk in the car, and I told her some of what I've been going through the past month. (Well, one thing mainly--that thing that shall remain unmentioned.) She was surprised by it and a little upset that I didn't tell her while it was happening, but okay. I, on the other hand, felt extrememly shakey from the conversation. So shakey, in fact, that I listened to my Elvis CD for the entire train ride home, but it didn't take full effect to life my spirits. Why did I talk to my mom about that? I felt like I was being deceptive having that kind of a secret. I don't know... I feel like I'm sick of leading a fucking double life. I don't know if telling her was the right thing to do, but it's done...

That night I AGAIN had plans with NDN and Oc, but I had to wait to hear when and where to meet them. I called NDN and he told me that they would be in the East Village at around 12:30 am. I was ready a little earlier, so I headed out to Cheers. I don't know why, but I drank super fast--I had about seven in under an hour. Maybe I was feeling strange about having talked to my mom and about having received that strange note from the Stallion. BarMan commented that I was out of control.

"What are you? Speedy Gonzalez?" he asked.

IrishBird told me that the Stallion had come into Cheers looking for me.

"What? He was here?!? Did he stay?"

"No, darling," she said. "He was just in and out. But come on... I don't like any of your boyfriends!"

"Well, he has a girlfriend," I said. "He's not exactly my boyfriend."

"Hyde...get a new life!" she said.

Later, we sang a duet but I was getting drunk and decided to leave to go to the ATM. There, I called NDN and he said they wouldn't be around until 2:00 am. I was pissed off. This was the third night in a row that my evening was hinging on them and they were fucking up my plans. It was bullshit! NDN agreed that it wasn't fair to me and he said that he would come meet me straight away. After all, the others could join us whenever they got there, but at least I wouldn't be waiting around alone. I brought down my wig to see if WG was in the mood to "reappear." When I got to the bar NDN and I sat outside on a stoop for a while. I smoked a cigarette and WG did appear! Nobody batted an eye though... after all, we were in alphabet city. (The last time I hung out right over there was with Narc in February. Sadness. I wonder how long it will be until I stop thinking of him with things like that... )

Anyway, after a while we went into the bar. NDN and I left our stuff on a bar stool all the way at the end near the DJ booth. Oc's new roomate was DJ-ing there. We talked to some of her friends for a while. I was getting increasingly drunk, so to tell you the truth, much of the evening is a blur. Oc and another friend FINALLY showed up and I think I told him I was mad that he kept fucking up my evening plans--three nights in a row! I guess a good time was had in general, but I continued to drink and at the end of the night, when I realized my jacket was lost I made a little bit of a scene (or so I've been told by NDN!). He tells me that I kept wanting to order another drink even though he and the bartender both agreed I had had enough, and he told me it was time to go. I told him to go home without me and to leave me there.

"Hyde, this is not Cheers!" he protested.

He refused to leave me and eventually got me home at around 4:30 am. What a great friend and neighbor!

The next morning, I woke up at 1:30 pm or so feeling like absolute hell. First of all, what woke me up? An insane cramp in my right calf. Those things can be caused by excess alcohol and dehydration, so it was a rather rude awakening. I knew I had majorly fucked up the night before, my head weas splitting, my eyes were stinging and red and half the day was gone. I was majorly depressed. My pillowcase was smeared with eye makeup and my room was freezing, as the AC was on too high. I pulled myself out of bed and tried to regroup a little. NDN called over shortly after I woke up. I was embarassed to see him at first. He told me that I had been so drunk that he had to apologize to people for me.

"Why? What did I do? Or do I not want to know?"

"Mostly about your jacket," he said. "I mean, you were obviously drunk, but you kept asking the same people over and over if they had seen it, even though they already told you they couldn't help you. A sober person would have been upset, but would have accepted it. But you? You just wouldn't drop it."

After that, NDN said he had to go because he was off to buy a new TV. I felt myself sinking into despair. I called GoldenFinch and talked to her for a little while, which helped. She told me to get out and to do something with my day-- not to stay in bed all day feeling depressed. She was right, and when I racked my brain for something positive to do, I thought of the Circle Line. Even though it's super-touristy, I usually take that cruise at least twice a year. I fucking love being out on the water; I love getting to see New York from that point of view, and it always does wonders to clear my head. With that plan in mind, I set out to get some lunch.

I ate at a nearby coffee shop and while I was there I called B. We had a really meaningful conversation and I started to cry a little. I think my alcohol abuse is getting a little out of control, but I really don't know what to do about it. I tried going to AA once last summer and I completely hated it. Well, "hated it" is a little strong, but I didn't feel comfortable there. B asked if I would be willing to look up some kind of revocery orgnaization that wasn't as "spiritual" or religious, as that's part of the problem I had with AA. I promised him that I would and told him that I would call him to check in later that night. In the meanwhile, I really wanted company for the afternoon, as I was feelng strange and despondant, so I texted Dan and asked him if he wanted to join me on the cruise. He agreed to meet me at 4:00.

Despite the breakfast and coffee I now had in my stomach, I still felt like shit from the night before. When I got to the pier, I was half an hour early. I couldn't resist temptation and had two (16 oz) beers while I was waiting for him. It helped and my hangover headache began to fade. The sun was beating down on me and the people-watching was beyond compare-- all tourists, of course. Dan met me shortly thereafter and we boarded the boat. We had a good time... some interesting conversation, wind in my hair, sparkling water which always makes me feel restored and whole, and three more beers.

After the boat ride, I got some iced coffee and we walked across the city back to Second Avenue. I chattered on about random things-- stories from my college years. We decided to do Mexican for dinner which was delicious. I had a margarita and a half, but started to sugar crash from the frozen mix. (I think that's happened to me before wtih frozen margaritas. I'll have to remember that lesson in the future.)

Anyway, Dan walked me home after that and I was just wiped out-- ready to go to bed. I went online and looked up that information about alcohol counseling etc. I'm not saying I'm ready to go all dry or anything like that, but sometimes I feel like I'm losing control of my life. I guess I'm just curious about what these programs do, and maybe (just maybe) I can get some support and get this all to be a little more manageable.

After a while NDN called and asked me to come over and check out his new TV. He wanted to know if I thought it was too big for the apratment. I hung out there for a little while and we talked about a whole series of things. He invited me to dinner at his friend Geneveve's house for tonight. I drank a cup of milk. Then it was home and time for bed.

The only problem--I couldn't sleep!!! As soon as I was faced with the night, my mind grew restless and I started to think of Narc. I know he gets depressed on Sunday nights. I know he's always looking for someone to go out with. Was he out drinking alone? Was he at Yaffas? Or the Tribeca Tavern? Or laying at home watching Tivo'd episodes of Entourage or Six Feet Under? How is he doing? I just couldn't quiet my thoughts. I sat up until nearly 2:00 am backreading my blog. I read the entire month of June in one sitting. It was weird. I could see everything move from that hopefullness at the end of May to total despair by the end of June and now finally, towards a little healing. I don't feel as insanely raw and miserable as I did a week or two ago, but still... I hate what happened to us. After that, I got into bed, but still couldn't sleep. I watched two episodes of Three's a Company before finally drifting off to sleep at around 3:00 am.

This morning I woke up early--at about 7:15. I don't know why I woke up so early when going on such little sleep, but I did. So, no reason to waste the morning! I decided to make it a productive day. Flicking on the TV I caught the tail end of King Creole which is my favorite Elvis movie. It was up to my favorite part--when Elvis kisses the heroine and says "It wouldn't be hard to love you!" I was in love! Yay! A morning started with love!

I packed up all of my overdue library books and set off for school. I also emailed myself my papers to work on, but once I got to school, I found that the computer wouldn't open my attachments. Motherfucker! B was at school working in the English department, so I stopped by to see him, and starting typing this post while he did some work. I'm so grateful that my books are now delivered and I'm off of the university's criminal delinquent list.

After the library B and I had lunch and he walked me up to 42nd street. I continued on home by myself stopping to by a bag and some super-cheap jewelry. Now I'm about to hop in the shower and then do some business--registration, filling out temp forms, etc.

Later!
hyde