The Super Slip-Up: Explained

So I guess I have a bit of a story to tell, and some explaining to do...

On Friday, Bezoukhoff and I went to see a double feature at the Film Forum-- two fabulous movies from the early '30s which I'll have to tell you all about in a post to follow. After that, it was home and to bed for me at a relatively decent hour. At least I tried to make it a decent hour, but I had a lot of difficulty sleeping. I laid in bed for hours on end trying to fall asleep, but I didn't cave and go out to the bar or anything, so I consider it a relative success.

Saturday morning came and I hung out at home for the most part being lazy. I didn't want to go out and do anything, but I didn't feel like cleaning up the pig-sty/hell-hole that my apartment has become either. After talking to B for a while, I settled in to watch Dr. Strangelove. I had plans to go to Anxious' party later that night. She wanted me to come over early to get dinner and for a little tour of her neighborhood. (She recently moved to Park Slope in Brooklyn.) I REALLY didn't want to go though. You all know that Anxious and I haven't been "clicking"very well lately, and I didn't want to be there any longer than necessary. On the other hand two of my good friends from college, GoldenFinch and Contessa were going to be there in advance, and they both wanted to see me. Both of them called me several times that afternoon and asked me if I would come to the party early just to get some extra time in to talk. As such, I agreed to be there at around 7:00--a good two hours before the party "officially" started. I thought that should be enough to do the trick.

I got dressed and was ready to leave my house by around 6:15. I wanted to stop in at Cheers for a drink or two before being on my way. When I got there, they were closed, but I went in anyway. My Super was there fixing a light and BarMan and ThursdayGirl were hanging out with BarMan's roommate at the end of the bar. One of the Colombians was setting up.

"We're closed!" BarMan called out to me.

"Yeah, I know," I said. "I'll just use the ATM and be out of here."

Much to my dismay, my bank account was on empty. (I'm still waiting for a check to clear.)

They all asked where I was off to and I told them about Anxious' party in Brooklyn.

"Maybe I'll be back later," I said, laughing.

I said goodbye to the whole crew and set off for the Manchester instead.

When I got to Manchester, Sean Duffy and Maeve were both on duty. I said my hello's and ordered a Jack and Diet. I started to think about the Stallion. Actually, he had sort of been on my mind all afternoon. I still hadn't responded to his several attempts to contact me. I mean, I don't really feel like hanging out with him-- I feel like sex with him right now would complicate things beyond what I can presently handle, but at the same time, I don't want to burn that bridge either. It had been a week since he left that note with the doorman and he had since stopped by Cheers TWICE looking for me. If I didn't get in touch with him soon, it would just be uncomfortable to call him down the line. I decided to just make the call and to try to avoid making a concrete plan. I pulled that note out of my wallet and dialed his home number. His mother answered the phone.

"Um, hello. May I please speak with the Stallion?"

"Who's calling?"

"This is his friend, Hyde."

"Who???"

"His friend. HYDE," I said a bit louder.

Just then the Stallion picked up.

"Mom, I got it. You can hang up-- I got it."

Our conversation started out a bit awkwardly. The Stallion wanted to know everything I've been up to since I saw him last.

"Oh, well... I don't know," I said. "I haven't seen you in a while! Not since early May. Things have been chaotic. Kind of too much to go into."

"Like what, Hyde? What's been going on? I want to know what's happening with you!"

"Well... It's a lot. I don't think you really want to know."

"No, really! I do."

"All right... Here it goes..."

I proceeded to update the Stallion on all of the comings and goings between me and Narc over the past two months.

"Damn it, Hyde! Why didn't you call me when you were going through all that?" he asked.

I thought that was the strangest response possible. Just what kind of relationship does he think we have? I can't IMAGINE going to the Stallion for any kind of emotional support. Another odd part of the conversation-- when I told him that Narc kicked me out of his house for the Exhibitionist, the Stallion got upset.

"I can't believe he did that!" he said. "That guy just doesn't respect you at all. He's no good."

I thought it was amusing because the Stallion is cheating on his girlfriend by being with me, but at the same time he was morally condemning Narc. Weird...

Anyway, after two drinks and the phone call, I was ready to head to Brooklyn. The Stallion wanted to get together that night, but I told him I had to go to Anxious' party. Since he doesn't have a working cell phone and I can't call his mom's house late, there was no realistic way to arrange meeting up after the party. I think it's all for the best, but he was really adamant about meeting up soon, so we'll see how all of that goes...

When I got to Anxious' neighborhood, she, GoldenFinch, Contessa and Contessa's boyfriend were heading out to dinner. We went to a little sandwich joint. It was a nice dinner, but Anxious was getting on my nerves. I can't help it. She just rubs me the wrong way. On the way back to her apartment, she stopped at the supermarket and the rest of us stopped off for ice cream. GoldenFinch bought me a chocolate covered frozen banana on a stick, which I have to say, was a little embarassing to eat while walking down a busy street. Back at Anxious' apartment, Bezoukhoff met us. We met Anxious' roomate and they put up tiki lamps in the garden area behind the apartment. It was a nice set up. The party was fun--pretty mellow, just a lot of people sitting around talking and drinking. I didn't drink all that much. In addition to the two drinks I had before arrival, I only had three additional glasses of whiskey and all of that over a six-seven hour period. For most of the party I hung out with Bezoukhoff, Contessa and her boyfriend, and my friend NiS and his girlfriend, who came at my invitation. It was so nice to hang out with old friends. I miss having those girls around, and I miss being able to burst into song with my friends the way I could with my old choir friends. Anxious, GoldenFinch, Contessa and I couldn't resist and did a once through of "Lift Thine Eyes," one of our old favorites.

It was also strange to see BulgarianGuy out of the context of Cheers. He's a good guy, but there is inevitably a level of awkwardness there as I slept with him last year and now he's dating my friend. But, whatever...

At around 1:00 am, I started to feel really crappy. My head hurt, I was incredibly cranky and I was very tired. I swear it was alcohol related. I'm just not capable of drinking a little bit. It HAS to be all or nothing. And the strange thing is that it felt like I was having blood-sugar crashing symptoms. I've been doing some reading online, and will return to this subject at the end of the post. The bottom line is that I felt so shitty and tired that I just wanted to go home and go to sleep.

"What? Hyde leaving a party at 1:00 am!!!" Anxious demanded.

"Yeah, well, I'm not feeling well," I said.

I called a car service to get back to the city and Bezoukhoff waited with me outside until the car arrived. During the ride back I was pretty much falling asleep. I was in a strange mood though-- "not peaceful" is the only way I can describe it. I felt frustrated and pissed off, and I KNEW that if I went out and drank some more I would feel a million times better. I debated in my head what to do, knowing that what I SHOULD do and what I WANTED to do once again couldn't be farther apart. (Yes, once again, Jekyll and Hyde duking it out.) Well, my Hyde is almost always stronger than my Jekyll and when I got dropped on my corner I stopped over at Cheers.

Karaoke was going strong and I saw BarMan and ThursdayGirl at the back of the bar. I took a seat near the back and found that I was sitting next to FightingMensch's older brother, Kevin. Liu and I had hung out with him and FightingMensch back in December. At that time, Kevin had just returned from Iraq. I reintroduced myself and reminded him of that night. After that, we chatted for a while and I was glad because it saved me from a sleazy drunk guy to my right who kept asking me to dance. That guy said he was from California and seemed annoyed that I wasn't willing to make his NY vacation all that he "dreamed" it would be. Too bad!

Anyway, I also saw the Elvis guy there who I had exchanged numbers with on Thursday night. I was embarassed to see him because I KNOW how drunk I was on Thursday, but he was really friendly and came up and gave me a hug hello. We hung out and talked for a bit. He told me that he just moved to the city from South Carolina and he called himself a "karaoke whore." I thought it was funny. BarMan, by the way, was REALLY drunk. He wasn't there working, but rather, he and ThursdayGirl had gone to the theater and had stopped by Cheers to cap off the night. He kept hugging me and putting his arm around me as if we were best friends. It was highly entertaining.

"For once, you're drunker than I am!" I told him.

"I don't know, Hyde," he said. "I mean, there's a lot of people that come in here, but you, Hyde... You drink A LOT. I mean, A LOT."

"Well, not as much as you tonight," I said. "But don't worry... No judgements!" (BarMan always says that to me.)

He laughed when I said that.

Later he came to say goodbye and gave me a huge hug and a kiss. I probably would have been thrilled a few months back when I had a crush on him, but I'm definitely over that. He didn't leave at that point, but instead gave me the same hug and kiss goodbye several more times before he was finally on his way.

At around 3:45 the place cleared out. PumpedUp, IrishBird and I were the only ones left there. IrishBird sat me down at a table with her.

"I thought you weren't drinking anymore, Hyde," she said, concern in her eyes.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you said on Thursday that you went to that AA meeting."

"I told you guys that?"

"Yeah, you don't remember?"

"No, I don't. But you're right. I shouldn't be drinking. And I DID go to AA. And I probably need to go back."

PumpedUp overheard and laughed.

"No, Hyde, don't go to AA!" he said. "We need you around here!" He made some other kind of joke, but I really don't remember it right now.

I talked to IrishBird seriously for a little while longer and the whole thing just totally brought me down. By the time I headed back to my place I felt depressed and like a failure again, only worse, because I was drunk.

I came home, washed off my makeup and collapsed into bed. I started to think...about what, it's hard to say. It was kind of like I was thinking of everything (and nothing) all at once. My mind was spinning with all that has happened and all of the concomitant pressures.

I suddently wanted to call Narc. I don't really know why. I guess I just wanted to know that I still COULD call him if I wanted to. I didn't think he would pick up. I guess I just wanted to hear his voice on the machine. I called him from my home phone because I know that my home number is blocked by caller I.D., and I called him on his home phone so there would be less of a chance he'd pick up. (After all, either he would be out and have his cell, or he'd be asleep at home with the ringer off). I was SHOCKED when he answered the phone. At first I didn't say anything. There was silence for a few seconds.

"Hello? Hello?" he repeated. "Is anyone there?"

"Um, hi..." I meekly replied. "It's me..."

"Hyde?" He feigned surprise, but really... at that hour, who else would it be? "What's up?" he asked.

He was acting all casual, so I responsded in kind.

"Just thought I'd call and see what you're up to," I said. "So? What's going on?"

"Just hanging out... Drinking some wine," he said.

We talked for about 15 minutes. I really don't remember about what. Narc told me that he was watching some movie on TV and that there was a scene in which the characters were doing some coke.

"Damn, it's making me crave that stuff," he said. "I wish I had some here."

"Well, I still have some," I said. "I could always bring it down."

"Do you think that's a good idea?" he asked.

"I don't know, Narc." (What was I saying? I DID know!) "It's DEFINITELY not a good idea for us to hook up, I know that. But we could always just hang out. It doesn't have to mean sex." (What was I THINKING?)

"That's true," he said. "And I would really love to see you."

"Me too," I said. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too," he said. "A lot."

"Okay, well give me 15 minutes and I'll be right there."

I threw on my jogging pants and a T-shirt and put on a little makeup as fast as I possibly could. Then I took the coke and a razor, wrapped them in an envelope and stuffed it in my bra. I checked to make sure that the cat had food and dashed out the door.

When I got to Narc's house, it was weird. I haven't been there in three weeks or so. He answered the door and he looked different. He cut his hair and looked like he lost 10 pounds. Damn it! I've been steadily putting on weight, I think because of all of the emotional stress, and suddenly I felt worse about it, but whatever. At least he didn't answer the door naked. I told him that he looked good.

"I became a vegetarian," he said.

"What? Since when?"

"For about two weeks. But I think it's really good for me."

"What made you decide to do that?" I asked.

He went on to tell me some strange story about a "vision" he had in which an angel told him to be a vegetarian. (What the fuck?)

"Maybe I need an angel to come tell me to stop drinking," I laughed.

I asked him what he had been up to that night.

"Hanging out with CouchSleeper and James," he said. "But we headed back at around midnight. I've just been hanging out drinking wine since then."

"Yeah, I was surprised that you were up."

I sat down next to him on the couch and cut up the coke. We mostly talked about neutral stuff. I told him about my upcoming trip to Argentina with NDN and he told me that I have to visit the waterfalls in Iguazu. He called it the "heart chakra of the world." (Okay... I'm not quite sure that that means.) I have no patience for that kind of thing, so I just smiled and nodded. He told me that he's planning a six week tour of Europe and that he might leave as early as the beginning of August. Either that, or he's going to put it off until late September. He asked if I noticed that he had gotten a little sun-tan.

"Yeah, you got some color," I said. "Been spending time at the beach?"

"Uh huh. I went to Sandy Hook last week with the Exhibitionist."

"I know," I said. "I saw it on your blog."

"Really?" He smiled. "I think you're the only one who even reads that thing."

"Well, I've checked it once or twice," I said. "But if you don't want me to, I won't read it anymore."

"No, don't worry about it!" he said. "I don't put anything up there that I'm not okay with the general public knowing about."

"Oh, okay."

We stayed up talking for a few hours. Finally, at around 8:00 am, I started to feel a comedown from the coke and there was no more left. I wanted to go to bed.

"I think I've got to turn in soon, Narc," I said.

"But we still have so much wine left!" he protested.

Sitting on the coffee table was half of an enormous jug of wine. There was NO WAY I was going to be able consume any more of that, let alone finish off the bottle!

"I can't go there," I said. "I need to go to sleep. But it's fine, if you want to stay up. I'll just go to sleep right here."

I laid down on the couch and positioned the pillows beneath my head.

"Don't sleep out here," he said. "Come sleep with me in the bedroom."

"But I thought we said we weren't going to do that," I said.

"We're not. You can leave your clothes on." (Gee, thanks.)

"Are you sure it'll be okay?" I asked. "I mean, I don't want to be stupid about things, you know?"

"Hyde, it's SO not a big deal. Just come in the bedroom with me. It'll be fine. I promise."

"Well, okay..."

I got into the bed first, keeping my clothes on. When Narc came out of the bathroom he stripped naked and got in the bed next to me. He pulled me in and held me so tightly and so closely. He started to stroke my hair.

"Hyde, I wanted to tell you something about that whole Exhibitionist thing," he said.

"No, please, Narc," I said. "I really don't want to go back there. There's no point. Let's just leave it alone."

"No, really, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry..." He paused, and I waited. "I mean, you were right about that. I shouldn't have done that. And I'm sorry."

I was dumbfounded. Honestly, that was the LAST thing I expected and I'm so glad that he said it. I don't think he's any different or that he's changed, but at least he has been thinking about things, about what happened between us, and at least on some level he knows that I wasn't being irrational about the whole thing. I don't think he would ever admit something like that in the light of day. But at that moment, in the dark, with him holding me again, I just felt love coming from him, and it was a moment that existed outside of reality. He never let go of me the entire night. Every time one of us tried to shift positions, he would hold me tighter so that we had to move together. It was like I was his teddy bear or something. And he seemed to need it so badly.

Remember, we didn't get into bed until a little after 8:00 am, and we were both a little coked up, so we only slept for a few hours. Around noon, in kind of a haze, I opened my eyes. I had a headache and Narc was kind of pressed into my side and masturbating. Well, I don't think I need to give you any more details, but one thing led to another and we spent the next few hours having sex. Both of us were exhausted though, and we both fell back asleep for a while more after all that. When I opened my eyes and finally felt alert and back to myself I reached for my cell phone to check the time. It was 4:15 pm. I nudged Narc.

"Hey, it's 4:15 already," I told him. "Guess we sort of slept the day away."

"Oh, shit!" he said. "I had a party to be at in Dobbs Ferry at 2:00!"

"Ooops..."

"Well, I guess I'll just call them in a little while," he said.

We had sex a few more times after that. He was so tender and hugging and kissing me gently all the while. Weird. I don't think I'll EVER be able to make complete sense of him. Anyway, after that, he got up and hopped in the shower. I laid around in bed. He called his friend and told him that he wasn't coming. At that point, based on the next train he could get there, he wouldn't have been able to be at the party until 7:00.

Narc and I hung out at his place for a while more, just talking casually. Neither of us addressed what had just happened between us. Now that we were wake we went back to the "rules" set the previous night-- no being physical or acting like there's a "relationship."

"I have a craving for Indian food," he said. "Wanna go get something to eat?"

"Yeah, okay. Let me just pack my stuff."

I looked a bit of a wreck, but there was no helping it. I was exhausted and the extreme humidity made it a waste to try to do anything with my hair. I put on some mascara and lipstick and we were off.

We walked over to Salaam Bombay on Greenwich Street. We ordered a few veggie dishes to share, and genuinely had a good time. For an hour or so, I almost forgot everything that had gone down between us. We were just two people having good conversation and sharing a meal.

Narc was telling me that he has been really lonely lately. He said that when he moved to NY he had hundreds of acquaintances-- people he partied with and who he could call up at a moment's notice to make plans. He let most of those relationships drop off because they weren't "genuine," and was left with handful of close friends. Most of those friends are in long term relationships now, though, and they aren't available to bum around on his schedule. As such, he's basically left with no one.

"I know it's a sign, though," he said. "One chapter is ending and another is beginning. Even with my work."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I'm pretty much done with the script-writing. I need to raise production money now and I know that once I start the shoot my life is going to be filled with all new people. I just need to find some good people. I think it'll be that way-- a new life when I get back from Europe."

It felt weird to be having that kind of conversation with him. I mean, there he was saying how he has no one to spend time with and no one genuine in his life, but he totally rejected having a relationship with me. It was hard for me to feel bad for him on that one. I asked him what has been going on with CouchSleeper and James lately. Narc told me that James is separating from his wife again.

"But didn't they just have a baby?" I asked.

"Yeah, but she's probably moving with the baby to San Francisco."

"What??? Isn't he upset that she's taking his baby to the other side of the country?"

"Well, she's crazy. He can't control what she does," Narc said.

"He can get a court order for visitation," I said.

"But she's so difficult," he said. "I don't think James will even bother."

What kind of people are these? I can't IMAGINE not being upset about my baby being taken away! Again, very strange...

After the meal Narc and I got up and there was an awkward pause. What was going to happen next? Would I leave and never see him again?

"So, I guess I'll get going," I said.

"I've got nothing to do," he quickly answered. "Want to go for a walk around the water?"

"Okay," I agreed. We headed West towards Battery Park.

The whole city was shrouded in gray. The fog was so thick that you couldn't see the tops of any of the buildings and the air hung heavily. My skin felt sticky. The water was murky and choppy although I didn't feel a breeze. I couldn't look away from it. We walked along, following the same path that we had taken that Monday night that he "kicked me out" for the Exhibitionist. God, by now, that's nearly a month ago! There were some long silences during our walk and I felt pressured to say something. It's because there was such a strangeness hovering between us. What was going on? Were we "friends," or was this the last time I would ever see him?

We swung around to the highway and started walking North back to his place. His cell phone beeped, letting him know that he had a message.

"Hold on. Let me just check my voice-mail."

I waited for him to finish.

"Holy shit! She's crazy!" he said, hanging up the phone.

"Who?" I asked.

"The Exhibitionist! I'm worried about her. It's like she's having some kind of nervous breakdown."

"That's terrible," I said. "What happened?"

"I don't know. She's just mad at me and now she's out of control. She just told me in that message that I could 'rot in hell!'"

"What??? Why is she so mad at you?"

"Well, last week or so we were having some talk. She was typically going on about why she hasn't found 'the one' and about how she's worried that she never will."

"And?"

"Well, I told her that the reason she hasn't found anyone is because she constantly goes after guys who aren't interested in her. After that, she flipped out and started screaming at me. She was like, 'You have no fucking clue! You don't know me at all, asshole!' and stuff like that. And then she stormed out."

"I guess you struck a sensitive spot," I said.

"Yeah, and then a few days later, she called me and she was like 'Fuck you, Narc! For your information I HAVE a boyfriend now!' Well, I told her there's no fucking way. I mean, no man in Manhattan goes out on ONE date with you and then calls himself your boyfriend!"

I laughed.

"And now this," he went on. "I guess she's having some kind of problem getting onto her website. She's all hysterical and telling me that if I fucked with her website I'm going to 'rot in hell.' Whatever..."

"I don't know, Narc," I began. "That seems like a REALLY strong reaction to your comment. Are you sure that's the only thing you did to piss her off?"

"Yeah, absolutely. Everything was totally fine, and then she flipped out."

"Well that doesn't make much sense," I said. "Has she behaved irrationally like this before?"

"I guess she's always been this way," he said. "Like once, a while back, we were out for drinks and she was telling me about some asshole guy she was seeing in NJ and I told her to stop hooking up with him. Because he wasn't that interested, you know? So she was like 'Don't worry--I would NEVER EVER!' Then, a little while later, she got up and left the bar. I thought she went to the bathroom or something, but after twenty minutes or so, she never came back. I called her cell and asked her where she was. She told me that she was on her way to NJ because she just had to see that guy. But she just left me there. It was so rude. I mean, you don't start the night with one guy and then ditch him for another!"

I thought of the time that Narc pressured me to ditch the Stallion for him in the same night. And when he ditched me for the Exhibitionist. Not worth bringing it up though. It just wasn't worth it.

It started to rain. We walked on.

"I don't know why I draw these people though," he went on.

"She sounds a little unstable," I said.

"Yeah. I mean, I guess it's a good thing I realized this about her-- that she's crazy and all, before anything more serious happened."

"More serious?" I asked. "I thought you guys were just friends."

"Yeah, well we are. Or, I guess were. She's just someone to go to the movies with and stuff," he said. "Now who do I have to call for that kind of thing? Absolutely no one."

Again, I thought it was an obnoxious comment to make, given that he has totally rejected the notion of spending time with me and was now absorbed in self-pity.

"How did you meet the Exhibitionist anyway?" I asked.

"Oh, online," he said, a bit embarassedly. "I have a really old profile up on Nerve and she sent me an invitation to chat."

"Oh..." I replied.

"Yeah, we went on one date a while back, but we were both like 'this doesn't work,' so we've just been friends since then."

"Oh, okay," I said. "But that's a lot of drama for 'just friends,' don't you think?"

He didn't really answer. By that time we had reached his street.

"So, are we going to get you home or what?" he asked.

"Definitely. I have some editing to do tonight," I told him.

I walked over to the corner to get a cab. Narc followed me.

"You don't have to wait with me," I said. "It's raining. I don't want you to get soaked."

"No, it's fine," he said. "It's only a little water."

Despite myself, I thought that was sweet. Narc hailed me the cab and opened the door for me. We didn't hug or anything and it was a really awkward moment.

"Bye," I said.

"Bye. We'll talk soon," he replied.

And with that, I shut the door and was off.

Back at my place, I tried to process what had happened. I hung out at NDN's for most of the evening and we watched two episodes of Family Guy. NDN made himself some linguini with white clam sauce. He was very proud of his clam sauce made from scratch! I was super tired and just coming down from all of the drugs and alcohol and was asleep by midnight.

This morning I met B for brunch at 59th street. After that, we went out for coffee and then I went over to my voice lesson. I did much better at this lesson (in terms of breathing) than I did last Thursday, so I'm pretty hopeful about getting back into shape fast. The weather is so muggy and disgusting, though, that I really just wanted to come home after that.

My final analysis on the Narc and Exhibitionist situation: They went on one date in late March, but she's not interested in him. (He's said to me in the past that she's a 'prude' and he constantly complains that she's always talking about some guy or another that she wants to get with.) There must be some sexual tension there though, and Narc definitely wants to get with her. I mean, that's clear from the amount of attention that he gives her and by the fact that he responds immediately to her every call. And besides, I just can't believe that Narc didn't do more to make her react so "irrationally."

None of that matters though, because it really is over between us. I was worried that seeing him again would just reignite all of the flames of love. It didn't happen though. I mean, my feelings are far from netural where he is concerned, but the "smoke" that has cleared from my eyes over the past few weeks is still cleared. He seemed a little pathetic to me, and not the nicest guy. Also, I'm having a harder time feeling sorry for him because I OFFERED him love and company and he rejected them both. So now, when he whines that has no love and no company, and he's complaining to ME, what am I supposed to think???

All in all, I think it was a positive lesson learned--that I DON'T love him as much as I think I do. And I guess that time really does heal. I just need to give it a lot more time. If he really does take that six week European vacation, I think I'll be cured for good.

The last thing that I wanted to say here is on the whole "alcoholism" issue--

I am clearly having trouble doing a complete abstinance program. And I honestly don't know if that's necessary. I mean, I don't think I have a physical addiction at this point; I just think it's a lifestyle thing and a sort of psychological dependency. I don't want to set myself up for failure though. I don't want to try to stop and then fail and then end up with feelings of inadequacy like those I posted about last week. I think if that happens often enough, I'll just give up. So I was talking to NDN and he had another idea. Instead of limiting my intake each time I go out (because I ended up feeling like crap) I'm going to try to limit the number of days I go out. Then, on those days, I won't limit myself or beat myself up if I drink too much. This week, I'm aiming to get through until Thursday. If I do that, then I can go out on Thursday night and do whatever the fuck I want. I think it'll do a lot to make me feel more productive and to build a new routine if I can spend most days of the week without drinking. So that's my new plan.

And as for why I felt so crappy with the moderate drinking at Anxious' party, here's an excerpt from some of the stuff I found online having to do with alcohol and blood sugar--


Alcohol stimulates the liver to convert stored sugar (glycogen) into blood sugar (glucose). Alcohol-induced blood-sugar increases may be a source of alcohol cravings in alcoholics. In some people (like me) a lot of insulin is dumped into the bloodstream to deal with the sugar that then brings an immediate drop in sugar (leading to a headache, etc. It's like having a hangover right away unless you have a second drink to keep the sugar level up in your blood).

When the blood sugar rises, the quick release of insulin occurs. This lowers blood levels of most large amino acids except tryptophan, which remains in the blood and can enter the brain. As a result, serotonin levels rise, but blood-sugar levels also rise and fall dramatically. When blood sugar levels fall, the serotonin falls as well unless something more is consumed to repeat the cycle.

Caffeine has an effect similar to that of sugar-- it triggers the release of stored glycogen to temporarily increase the blood sugar level.

(FYI, for those of you who don't know, I used to be a major caffeine addict too!)


Anyway, I already know that I have insulin-balance problems which I'm supposed to be on medication for (if I ever remember to take it) so it's no wonder that alcohol fucks up my whole system.

In the end, though, the why and the wherefore doesn't make much of a difference. Whatever the reason, I have to do something to get all this under control. And as for Narc... I still think it's best that this thing is completely over. I'm only a little nervous that I've lost the "moral highground" in case he calls me drunk. I have to formulate a plan of action to be ready for that one.

That's it for now... Once again, this post got dreadfully long, but I guess I had a lot to say!

Hope you're all well!

-Hyde

The Super-Slip-Up

Well, this one wasn't as much of a "slip-up" as it was an idiotic choice. The bottom line--supplemented my alcohol last night with coke and Narc. Oops!

More to come...

-hyde

The Slip-Up

Failure.

That's the only way to put what happened last night.

I failed.

But at least there's a lesson in that for me--I'm not as powerful as I think I am. Or else, I chose not to be. Maybe I didn't want to be strong or powerful and maybe I wanted to fail. Maybe I wanted an excuse to do something extreme--to convince MYSELF that I need help.

I woke up early yesterday and felt fabulous--productive. I worked on the editing for a few hours and got it all done. Then I met NDN for Lunch at Maharaja. We talked about the trip to Argentina. I was upset because I read Narc's blog again and all he posted about was his fabulous trip to the beach with the Exhibitionist. It doesn't matter because that trip was last Saturday and he called me Tuesday feeling depressed, but whatever...

After lunch I took off for my voice lesson. I explained (in a censored version of the past few months) why I wasn't at lessons. Then we agreed to "start again." Yesterday was supposed to be all about starting again. My breathing is all out of control because those muscles are ENTIRELY out of practice, but my voice is in reasonably good shape in terms of the cords themselves.

I got back from my voice lesson relatively happy, but exhausted from life. I watched Dr. Phil and then went to get a pedicure. I kept thinking about going to Cheers and telling myself not to go. Even as I thought it though, I knew I was going to go there.

When I left the nail place, I passed Cheers. Fuck it. I went in. I ordered a diet coke and a salad. I sat and ate and talked to BarMan. He was being so warm and friendly. I think because I had been so upset there the other day. I started to feel really depressed. Just about everything, I guess.

While I was eating, (and reading), Bezoukhoff called me. He asked where I was and if he could come by. IrishBird came on shift and told me that the Stallion had been there AGAIN, looking for me on Wednesday night. Bezoukhoff and I sat and drank sodas for a while. ThursdayGirl came in and gave me a hug. Bezoukhoff told me about his visions. We really have a lot in common. Then karaoke started. I sang Belinda Carlisle. I continued on the diet coke.

But then I gave up. I don't know why. I CHOSE to do it, but I'm such an asshole. I ordered a glass of Jack and threw it in with my soda. After that, I told BarMan to go to my "go to" drink. He laughed. I left Cheers at 3:30 with Bezoukhoff, or so I'm told. I was drunk drunk drunk. I don't remember the last hour that we were there or getting home. The last thing I remember is chatting it up with a boy who said he liked Elvis. He turned his collar up and started singing Elvis songs. I remember that MarriedGuy was there and I told Bezoukhoff that I had slept with him. Then I don't remember anything else.

Bezoukhoff tells me that I didn't want to leave. He says that I exchanged numbers with the Elvis guy. He said that he couldn't get me into my bed, and that I fell off my couch onto the floor. He had to leave me there.

I woke up this morning on my couch. The phone was ringing. It was Bezoukhoff. It was 10:30. He was worried and he reminded me that I had a meeting with IronChef at 11:00. Shit. I was still VERY drunk. I checked my phone. I had a text from Hammer sent at 7:05 or so, and it was already read. I was up at that time and read it? Huh??? I talked to Bezoukhoff for a while. I don't think I cried, but it feels like I did. I told him that I think I need help. I don't know what I think anymore. Maybe I don't need help. Maybe I just need RESOLVE. Like I said-- I just don't know anymore.

I did my best to make myself presentable, grabbed my laptop, bought some water and set off. I put on a ton of perfume and kept eating Listerine tabs so that I wouldn't smell like whiskey. I wasn't walking a straight line on the sidewalk. I kept veering towards the street and having to pull myself back from the curb. I must have bumped into a million people passing by Grand Central. When I got to IronChef's office, I took a deep breath and willed my swollen eyes to focus. I talked to myself in the elevator, willing the alcohol out of my blood.

I think I did a good job, because no one noticed. And once we were in her office and talking "business" (with her intern, Barbara), I actually did start to focus for real. By 12:30 or so, I felt the alcohol leaving my blood and my brain. Sweet relief!

I left there at about 1:30 to meet Bezoukhoff. We had lunch at Bloom's Delicatessen. I asked him to tell me what's going to happen with my life. He told me the following:

• In the next few months I'm going to become a workaholic; After my trip to Argentina with NDN this December I will take up an interest in Spanish.
• In the next few years I will write my dissertation on something having to do with the arts and the painful transition from Romanticism to Modernity.
• Following that, I will get a job first as an assistant and then as a full professor at an excellent university in a Southern state (perhaps Louisiana).
• I will meet my "special someone" in 5-6 years. We will marry and have at least two kids. What will this man be like? He will be European, study either musicology or philosophy and will have a passion for the American South. He will be pliable, but know what he wants. AND he will somewhat be able to keep me in line.
• My disseration may or may not become my first book but any event, in my late 30s I will write the story of my life which will be received with great acclaim. In my mid-late '40s my life book will become a Broadway musical. (I can just see it in lights: HYDE: THE MUSICAL)
• My golden years-- one of two things will come to pass:
• 1.) I will have a religious ephiany and join a Russian monastary as a nun. There I will channel my former vices into an overzealous piety. I will become a visionary and people will make pilgrimages to receive my visions.
• 2.) I will become somewhat of recluse, using the profits from my successful book and musical to buy a large Southern plantation. There I may again indulge in my youthful indiscretions and live out my years in peace. The occassional tour bus, perhaps run by Professor Bezoukhoff, may pass by.

Some life, huh? Now we're in the public library, but again, I can't focus. I can't think straight and I don't know how I'm going to survive here until 6:00 and work. Maybe I'll feel better in a little while...

But I failed. I only made it two days sober.

All I can say is that today is DAY ONE again, and I'll have to start from here.

Shit.

:(

:(


More later....

Re-grouping

I'm feeling a lot better than yesterday. I think that I've just bumped up against some kind of wall and so I really need to turn my life around. I didn't go to the AA meeting today, and I know that seems bad, but I had therapy this morning and just couldn't handle doing them both. Sometimes I think I spend too much time inside my own head, and I had had enough of it by the time my hour was up this morning.

After that, I lolled around for a few hours in the late morning/early afternoon and started to feel malaise from my lack of productivity. I obsessively read Narc's email a few more times. I was saved, however, by the fact that I had promised my mom to have dinner with her on Long Island. I had agreed to meet her at her office in the late afternoon.

So I got myself up and ready and dragged myself to Penn Station. I found an old cassette of myself singing and popped it in to listen to on the train ride over. It made me feel sentimental and a little stronger-- like I'm not some out of control crazy love struck alcoholic idiot (or as I used to like to say, a "drug addled whore"), but rather, the same girl who made that tape and sang passionately and loves music and can be productive.

When I got to my mom's office she was still at court, so I made myself at home and did some work on my job search. I faxed a bunch of forms over to the temp agency and sent out a few resumes for teaching positions. We left the office at around 6:30 and headed over to a nearby Belgian restaurant--much fancier fare than I was expecting. My mom and I shared a crabmeat and avocado salad and then had huge steaming pots of bouillabaisse. Mmmmm! It was so good! (I'm stuffed now though.)

We had a long talk about a lot of things. I haven't fully processed it, so I'd rather not go into all of it here, but my mom had a lot of "advice" for me. She really doesn't know the half of what's going on in my life, so for her to have noticed that something is slightly wrong means that I'm definitely leaking through the cracks. It only made me realize, even more, though, that I have to take responsibility for the way that I'm choosing to live.

On the train ride back, I did some more of that editing work for IronChef. Now I'm home and exhausted. I started writing this post when it was not even 11:00 and I made myself put on my pajamas. Normally, I'd brush off my exhaustion, head to Cheers and catch a second wind after about three glasses of whiskey. But I didn't do that. And that will be two days sober, which is a start... As the saying goes, "I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired." So I'm going to try to hold out a little longer and do something about it....

I was interrupted from writing this by a visit from NDN. He and I are planning a trip to Argentina to take place right after Christmas and we've been trying to figure out how to transfer American Express points to American Airlines miles all week. In the end, our solution was for my mom to give his mom American Express points, so that his mom could use her miles to buy my ticket. The problem is that American Express doesn't usually allow such transfers of points. However, do not despair! NDN is a genius in this department and tonight I got to see him in action-- his art in all of its glory. For about an hour, he sat in my apartment impersonating my mother on the phone to various sales reps, demanding to speak to supervisors with all the indignation in the world. (And no, NDN and I are not perpetrating fraud against my mother. All of this was done with her full permission.) Anyway, it was too funny to fully communicate here.

So now it's after midnight and I want to get to bed soon so that I'll have a decent day tomorrow. I FINALLY called to schedule a voice lesson for tomorrow afternoon. It will be my first lesson since May 18th. Scheisse! It's been a crazy long time, and I have no idea what explanation to offer my teacher. ("Um... I'm sorry teacher, but I just got too wrapped up in the rise and fall of my emotionally abusive relationship to care about my training. Instead, I spent all of my time and money over the past two months being drunk off my ass..." I don't think that's gonna do it.) I also made an appointment to see my endocrinologist for next Tuesday. I haven't been there since April (I think) and my glucose levels are probably fucked up beyond belief at this point. I feel better having made those appointments. AND I took my cat to the vet this week. AND I returned my library books. AND I finally registered for fall classes. AND I'm getting that editing work done.

So slowly but surely I'm re-grouping. I hope I can stick with it.

__________

SHIT! It's about a half an hour later, (nearly 1:00 am) and I have to add something to this post. Narc FINALLY posted something on his blog after over a month of absence. It's a super long post, but part of it just breaks my heart again. I shouldn't read his blog anymore. I HAVE to stop loving him. But here's what he said:


...Dig a few layers deeper, and you start getting to questions which, when you answer them (and here you'll find that you actually can), usually provide you with A) answers that you don't like and, wonderfully, terribly B) answers that you know you need to change, and can, but haven't. Purely through a lack of your own volition.

"Why am I surrounded by the people that I am? And why do I feel like I don't have an authentic relationship with any of them? And never have? And never will?"

"Why am I doing what I am doing right now, in life? Why do I keep at it with all the passion and fervor I can muster, all the while knowing that, as happy as I am with the result, I hate the process and feel like it kills me just a little bit every time I go through it?"

"Why have I never truly known the experience of love?"

These are all questions that HAVE ANSWERS. They are easy answers as well, because it's not really so much about the specifics of any of the above given situations, as to what, instead, they all have in common...

Me.
_____________________

Poor Narc! So, now what? Do you think I'll ever get to sleep tonight after that? Damn it!

-Hyde

More of the Same?

Yesterday I got the following email from Narc:

Sorry, don't worry about the calls, just me being depressed and needing someone else to talk to (and realizing I had absolutely no one else to call...).

You're right, we still need a very long break from each other, if not an indefinite one. Will try not to interfere again.

Be well

--N

Of course that plucked the strings of my heart and brought on a bout of guilt. I waited as long as I could and then I replied today:

It wasn't "interference." I'm just sorry you were feeling depressed and even sorrier that I can't be there and be a friend to you right now. I'm thinking of you, though, and wishing you well.

As for the rest, like you said...we'll see what comes down the road. Please take care.

-Hyde

Yesterday I went to an AA meeting. I don't know how I feel about all of that though. I should go again today, but I don't know if I can bring myself to do it. What prompted that? Monday night was fucking awful. I wrote in my journal until my handwriting was illegible and it scares the shit out of me that I lose that much brain function. I was writing the most depressing stuff too... It wasn't me. Those aren't my thoughts, but there they were on the page. Also, I checked the calls list in my cell phone. There was a call from last Thursday night/Friday morning at 4:10 am, OUTGOING from my cell to Narc's home. The call lasted 20 minutes. I had no fucking clue that we talked. I had been going on the assumption that we hadn't. I have NO memory of it and no idea about what might have been said. It makes me feel sick.

Whatever... Suddenly, I'm not in the mood to blog anymore, so I will end this post here.

I feel like I'm at an emotional crossroads yet again.
And I don't know which road to take.

Last Night...

• Last night I went to a dinner party with NDN. It was awesome. Have to write more about that later.

• Last night I broke my cell phone beyond repair. My scotch tape job didn't hold up. (Well, I hope it's not BEYOND repair. I'm taking it to the Verizon store today).

• Last night I got drunk at Cheers and told ThursdayGirl more than she ever needed to know about my sorry life.

• Last night I got TWO MORE phone calls from Narc. (YAY!!! Wait... Is that wrong that I think "Yay?" But I did. And I do. I don't give a shit... I'm still drunk, so I'm going to think "yay!" at least for the rest of the morning!) The messages don't particularly merit transcription here. Basically he just said that he "knows we're done," but that he "wants to talk" to me, "that's all." I'm sure that's all... Whatever... Both were left around 3:00 am. I'm glad I was passed out and that my phone was broken. There's nothing I would have rather done last night at that point besides see him. So I was saved. It was providence.

This is all sick sick sick. And I'm STILL drinking too much.

• Last night I got a really bad scrape on my knee. The blood is all dried up now and I have no idea how it got there.

All right. Enough about last night. I have to go take my phone in, pick up a check over where I teach and be back here by mid afternoon to meet B and take my beautiful kitty to the vet.

later...

PS: This post reminded me of an old poem. Can't believe I found it...

Tonight

Tonight the stiffness in my neck
Comes crumbling down in glittering blue elastic

Tonight the numbness in my throat
Cascades, crescendos into white parched violets

Tonight the twisting orange mud
Flies past the shoreline out to sea in bubbles

Tonight the softness brings my back
Into its deep and black and pulsing ending

Tonight the morning stars will sink
I'm pressed between them tightly curled and waiting

Tonight are dreams and brown eyes torn

To meet my trembling expectations

Cleaning the Slate

Yay! Good news first-- I am no longer a library sinner. I just returned nearly thirty books this morning (some of them due as long ago as March) and it cost me a whopping $164.00, but I have a clear conscience. I also got my registration pin and I feel like I'm refocusing a little. Phew!

This weekend was both good and bad. I had a lot of fun and spent time with people I care about, but in the end, I was left with the overwhelming sense that my life is a fucking mess and I'm the only one responsible for that. I literally live in chaos. I generate chaos non-stop and I drink too much. I really really REALLY want to find a way to get things under control.

Anyway, on Thursday I wasted most of the day hanging out at home and watching TV. That night I went out to Cheers for a few hours and did some of that editing work for IronChef that I mentioned in an earlier post. NDN stopped in at Cheers and asked if I wanted to come over for dinner. We were waiting to hear from Oc and his friends about plans for the night. NDN whipped up a very healthy concoction involving tuna, salad, salsa and tortillas. In the meanwhile, Oc called and said that they were just going to be chilling on their rooftop in Brooklyn. NDN didn't want to go all the way to Brooklyn, as it was already around 11:00, but I agreed to go. First I went back to Cheers and had a few more drinks. By the time I bought a bottle of wine and hailed a cab, I was noticeably drunk.

On the way there, I chatted it up with my Haitian cab driver. It was fun to practice my French. Oc's new apartment is a HUGE loft (shared with two friends). Very cool. We hung out on the roof drinking and smoking for hours on end. I didn't even mind the misting rain. By the early morning hours, I was pretty wasted and don't remember much. I DO know that I got all emotional about a lot of things and probably embarassed myself. I also remember Oc brushing my hair. (???) Then I remember losing an earring and someone else finding it. I drunk-dialed Narc once and then drunk-texted myself not to worry because I "didn't leave a message." I know myself too well... At least I managed to save myself that small anxiety the next day.

On Friday morning, I opened my sticky eyes at around 9:00. I was in NO shape to get up yet. I still needed to sleep it off. But I had promised IronChef to get her the bulk of the editing work by that afternoon and I still needed to type up my comments for her. I dragged myself out of bed and over to the computer. It was quite a "feat of stregnth." I finished up around 10:30 and then crawled back into bed to sleep for two more hours.

I wished I could have slept the day away, but alas! It was not in the cards, as I had lunch plans with Anxious. I barely bothered to make myself presentable before jumping in a cab and heading to Bloomingdales. Lunching there is a favorite pastime of Anxious'.

Our lunch was relatively pleasant. She gave me some free makeup samples and complained about how she feels her roomate is "spongeing off her." She did manage to make two rude remarks--both concerning B, but I guess that's to be expected from her at this point. After lunch I had to do some makeup shopping, as I promised LilSis some new stuff for her recent birthday. I must have spent at least an hour at the MAC counter and I came away with two eyeshadows and a blush for her, an eyeshadow, eyeliner, lipglass and two lipsticks for me. Oops! I also picked up a new foundation at Laura Mercier, so I was a happy girl by the time I exited into the rain.

That night I headed back out to Cheers. I ate dinner there, hung out with IrishBird and drank two glasses of wine. I was again waiting to hear from NDN and Oc about the evening's plans. NDN was out to dinner with a friend and he was waiting to hear from Oc himself. As the evening wore on, I started to get cranky and pissed off. I texted NDN a few times and he apoligized for Oc's flakiness. I was getting really tired and cranky and figured it was probably better to go home at that point anyway.

Back at home, I collapsed on the couch with Law & Order SVU and drifted off to sleep. NDN eventually stopped by with his dinner partner and her niece. He was tipsy and in a good mood, but I was in no mood to socialize anymore. I was asleep by 11:00.

On Saturday morning I had to get up early. I was heading to Long Island for a surprise 30th birthday party for my step-cousin. Before the party I wanted to go to the hospital and visit my brother. So I woke up at 7:30, wrapped LilSis' birthday present and set off to meet BigSis at Penn Station. My mom and LilSis picked the two of us up in Bayside and we had a great visit with my brother. I hadn't seen him in a few weeks and when I walked in he gave me a huge smile and pointed at me as a greeting. It was hard to see him with his head shaven all stapled up from the recent surgery, but I tried not to think about that. We played some games with him and practiced teaching him colors. It's weird, his quantitative skills are better than his labeling skills. For example, he'll know that seven is larger than six, but he won't remember the names for the numbers. So re-learning colors, he was having a little difficulty. We had fun trying to entertain him and make him laugh though. My aunt and uncle (my mom's brother and his wife) stopped by for a while too.

"So, how do you like living in the city?" my uncle asked.

"Um, well, I've been there for almost 10 years now," I said.

"Oh, right, right..."

Whatever...

After we left the hospital, we headed to a beach near my mom's house where the party was being held. It was a BBQ and the food was delicious. It was my step-father's side of the family (all of the Italians, so you know the food was good!) minus my stepsisters. There's still so much tension in the family because of their bitch of a mother. They probably didn't come because she would make them sorry if they showed up to any event having to do with their father's side of the family. I had a good time though, hanging out with my sisters and step-cousins. There were SO many babies at that party. Everyone kept asking my sister when she was going to have one. My mom kept saying that she really wants to be a grandmother and joking that she doesn't care who has the kid first--my sister or one of her "unmarried" daughters. I'm SURE she would care though... The comments made me feel really weird.

My mom drove me back to the train at around 8:30. We had a really personal talk in the car, and I told her some of what I've been going through the past month. (Well, one thing mainly--that thing that shall remain unmentioned.) She was surprised by it and a little upset that I didn't tell her while it was happening, but okay. I, on the other hand, felt extrememly shakey from the conversation. So shakey, in fact, that I listened to my Elvis CD for the entire train ride home, but it didn't take full effect to life my spirits. Why did I talk to my mom about that? I felt like I was being deceptive having that kind of a secret. I don't know... I feel like I'm sick of leading a fucking double life. I don't know if telling her was the right thing to do, but it's done...

That night I AGAIN had plans with NDN and Oc, but I had to wait to hear when and where to meet them. I called NDN and he told me that they would be in the East Village at around 12:30 am. I was ready a little earlier, so I headed out to Cheers. I don't know why, but I drank super fast--I had about seven in under an hour. Maybe I was feeling strange about having talked to my mom and about having received that strange note from the Stallion. BarMan commented that I was out of control.

"What are you? Speedy Gonzalez?" he asked.

IrishBird told me that the Stallion had come into Cheers looking for me.

"What? He was here?!? Did he stay?"

"No, darling," she said. "He was just in and out. But come on... I don't like any of your boyfriends!"

"Well, he has a girlfriend," I said. "He's not exactly my boyfriend."

"Hyde...get a new life!" she said.

Later, we sang a duet but I was getting drunk and decided to leave to go to the ATM. There, I called NDN and he said they wouldn't be around until 2:00 am. I was pissed off. This was the third night in a row that my evening was hinging on them and they were fucking up my plans. It was bullshit! NDN agreed that it wasn't fair to me and he said that he would come meet me straight away. After all, the others could join us whenever they got there, but at least I wouldn't be waiting around alone. I brought down my wig to see if WG was in the mood to "reappear." When I got to the bar NDN and I sat outside on a stoop for a while. I smoked a cigarette and WG did appear! Nobody batted an eye though... after all, we were in alphabet city. (The last time I hung out right over there was with Narc in February. Sadness. I wonder how long it will be until I stop thinking of him with things like that... )

Anyway, after a while we went into the bar. NDN and I left our stuff on a bar stool all the way at the end near the DJ booth. Oc's new roomate was DJ-ing there. We talked to some of her friends for a while. I was getting increasingly drunk, so to tell you the truth, much of the evening is a blur. Oc and another friend FINALLY showed up and I think I told him I was mad that he kept fucking up my evening plans--three nights in a row! I guess a good time was had in general, but I continued to drink and at the end of the night, when I realized my jacket was lost I made a little bit of a scene (or so I've been told by NDN!). He tells me that I kept wanting to order another drink even though he and the bartender both agreed I had had enough, and he told me it was time to go. I told him to go home without me and to leave me there.

"Hyde, this is not Cheers!" he protested.

He refused to leave me and eventually got me home at around 4:30 am. What a great friend and neighbor!

The next morning, I woke up at 1:30 pm or so feeling like absolute hell. First of all, what woke me up? An insane cramp in my right calf. Those things can be caused by excess alcohol and dehydration, so it was a rather rude awakening. I knew I had majorly fucked up the night before, my head weas splitting, my eyes were stinging and red and half the day was gone. I was majorly depressed. My pillowcase was smeared with eye makeup and my room was freezing, as the AC was on too high. I pulled myself out of bed and tried to regroup a little. NDN called over shortly after I woke up. I was embarassed to see him at first. He told me that I had been so drunk that he had to apologize to people for me.

"Why? What did I do? Or do I not want to know?"

"Mostly about your jacket," he said. "I mean, you were obviously drunk, but you kept asking the same people over and over if they had seen it, even though they already told you they couldn't help you. A sober person would have been upset, but would have accepted it. But you? You just wouldn't drop it."

After that, NDN said he had to go because he was off to buy a new TV. I felt myself sinking into despair. I called GoldenFinch and talked to her for a little while, which helped. She told me to get out and to do something with my day-- not to stay in bed all day feeling depressed. She was right, and when I racked my brain for something positive to do, I thought of the Circle Line. Even though it's super-touristy, I usually take that cruise at least twice a year. I fucking love being out on the water; I love getting to see New York from that point of view, and it always does wonders to clear my head. With that plan in mind, I set out to get some lunch.

I ate at a nearby coffee shop and while I was there I called B. We had a really meaningful conversation and I started to cry a little. I think my alcohol abuse is getting a little out of control, but I really don't know what to do about it. I tried going to AA once last summer and I completely hated it. Well, "hated it" is a little strong, but I didn't feel comfortable there. B asked if I would be willing to look up some kind of revocery orgnaization that wasn't as "spiritual" or religious, as that's part of the problem I had with AA. I promised him that I would and told him that I would call him to check in later that night. In the meanwhile, I really wanted company for the afternoon, as I was feelng strange and despondant, so I texted Dan and asked him if he wanted to join me on the cruise. He agreed to meet me at 4:00.

Despite the breakfast and coffee I now had in my stomach, I still felt like shit from the night before. When I got to the pier, I was half an hour early. I couldn't resist temptation and had two (16 oz) beers while I was waiting for him. It helped and my hangover headache began to fade. The sun was beating down on me and the people-watching was beyond compare-- all tourists, of course. Dan met me shortly thereafter and we boarded the boat. We had a good time... some interesting conversation, wind in my hair, sparkling water which always makes me feel restored and whole, and three more beers.

After the boat ride, I got some iced coffee and we walked across the city back to Second Avenue. I chattered on about random things-- stories from my college years. We decided to do Mexican for dinner which was delicious. I had a margarita and a half, but started to sugar crash from the frozen mix. (I think that's happened to me before wtih frozen margaritas. I'll have to remember that lesson in the future.)

Anyway, Dan walked me home after that and I was just wiped out-- ready to go to bed. I went online and looked up that information about alcohol counseling etc. I'm not saying I'm ready to go all dry or anything like that, but sometimes I feel like I'm losing control of my life. I guess I'm just curious about what these programs do, and maybe (just maybe) I can get some support and get this all to be a little more manageable.

After a while NDN called and asked me to come over and check out his new TV. He wanted to know if I thought it was too big for the apratment. I hung out there for a little while and we talked about a whole series of things. He invited me to dinner at his friend Geneveve's house for tonight. I drank a cup of milk. Then it was home and time for bed.

The only problem--I couldn't sleep!!! As soon as I was faced with the night, my mind grew restless and I started to think of Narc. I know he gets depressed on Sunday nights. I know he's always looking for someone to go out with. Was he out drinking alone? Was he at Yaffas? Or the Tribeca Tavern? Or laying at home watching Tivo'd episodes of Entourage or Six Feet Under? How is he doing? I just couldn't quiet my thoughts. I sat up until nearly 2:00 am backreading my blog. I read the entire month of June in one sitting. It was weird. I could see everything move from that hopefullness at the end of May to total despair by the end of June and now finally, towards a little healing. I don't feel as insanely raw and miserable as I did a week or two ago, but still... I hate what happened to us. After that, I got into bed, but still couldn't sleep. I watched two episodes of Three's a Company before finally drifting off to sleep at around 3:00 am.

This morning I woke up early--at about 7:15. I don't know why I woke up so early when going on such little sleep, but I did. So, no reason to waste the morning! I decided to make it a productive day. Flicking on the TV I caught the tail end of King Creole which is my favorite Elvis movie. It was up to my favorite part--when Elvis kisses the heroine and says "It wouldn't be hard to love you!" I was in love! Yay! A morning started with love!

I packed up all of my overdue library books and set off for school. I also emailed myself my papers to work on, but once I got to school, I found that the computer wouldn't open my attachments. Motherfucker! B was at school working in the English department, so I stopped by to see him, and starting typing this post while he did some work. I'm so grateful that my books are now delivered and I'm off of the university's criminal delinquent list.

After the library B and I had lunch and he walked me up to 42nd street. I continued on home by myself stopping to by a bag and some super-cheap jewelry. Now I'm about to hop in the shower and then do some business--registration, filling out temp forms, etc.

Later!
hyde

Lost

I lost my favorite jacket last night.

What are the chances I'll get it back? The last I saw it-- at a bar stool at the end of the bar at 85-A in the East Village last night. I don't get it! Who would take a three year old frayed jacket with the pockets saftey-pinned on? I wear it almost every fucking day, but that's just because it's my favorite. I don't see how it would be of value to anyone else.

This absolutely sucks!

I'm going to wait until 4:00 when the bar opens to see if they found it. I must have been smashed last night though. It was all alcohol too--no "medicine." It's been a while since I've beent that bad off from booze alone. BarMan admonished me because I had seven in under an hour to start the night off. :(

Oh well. Today's a new day and time to get things under control and kick my ass into gear. Right?

-hyde

A Note from the Stallion

Weird... I just got back from Long Island and there was a note waiting with my doorman from the Stallion. (I've never seen his handwriting before, so that was weird too.) He said:

Hey Hyde, It's the Stallion.

I was in the area, so I figured I would stop by. My phone isn't working and I cracked the screen so I could not retreive your number for the 4th of July. Call me at home-- xxx-xxx-xxxx.

Would like to hang out with you!!! :)

-The Stallion

First of all, what does the Fourth of July have to do with anything? He never said he would call me on that day in particular and it's not exactly the kind of holiday on which you call your friends... Anyway, I'm not going to call him back tonight. I still have so much to process in terms of Narc and what I want to do with my life, that I think it would be a mistake to jump into bed with him right now. But then again, maybe it would get my mind off Narc a bit... What do you guys think?

I can't write much more now, as I have to change and meet some friends in the East Village, but I'll update this thing tomorrow if I get a chance.

Hope you're all well in blogland!

Hyde

My friend: Wig Guy

Sweetness! (and Symmetry)

Things are sweet right now. Sweet, but in a bittersweet kind of way.

Don't get me wrong-- I think all of this is super tragic, but suddenly the universe has some balance. On the one year anniversary of when Narc and I met, we are finally able to say goodbye. I fucking LOVE that symmetry!

Being of the nature that I am, I caved in and wrote Narc a text (at 5:21 pm today):

Wasn't ignoring you Tuesday night. Just think it's best this way. You asked in your text if I thought we could be friends. The honest answer? No. That's all. Goodbye, Narc.

I just received the reply (at 6:57 pm):

You're right. I suppose I just didn't want to end us on a low note, as we did. Good luck with everything.

First of all, I am SO happy that he is being sweet to me again and that it's not ending all ugly and bitter, even though I've finally accepted the idea that it has to end. Second of all, he acknowledges that there was an "us" and that this is an "end" to something. In his own way, Narc has finally acknowledged our "relationship."

So I wrote back to him:

You too. :) All the best.

Then I couldn't help myself and had to throw in my final observation:

Last thing-- isn't it weird that today is the 1 yr from when we met? I love symmetry in the universe. Anyway, maybe we can talk @ some point some day. Take care. :)

And I'll leave it at that.

I think that I impressed him over the past week with my serious restraint in terms of his several efforts to get me back onto that roller coaster that is Narc & Hyde. Maybe my behavior finally earned me some respect from him, hence this decent treatment. I'd like to think so, and to take this with me as a lesson for the next relationship.

Don't get me wrong, I'm far from over Narc. I don't think I'll be able to even think about other guys for a while, because my heart is still devoted to him. But at least it doesn't have to be a place of hate and bitterness.

All of the bitterness has turned bittersweet.

The Week in Review

First of all--

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY to me and Narc. Today is our 1 year. (Even though it's over...sadness.)

***************

Well, I had a very busy weekend last week, and it was a pretty good weekend too, if only I weren't thrown so much by that text from Narc at the end of it! (Not to mention Tuesday night's bombardment of phone calls!)

FRIDAY:

On Friday afternoon I was planning a day of hard core job searching, but I got an urgent call from VJ at around 1:00. She was flying out of NY to Miami that afteroon, but had to return her cable box to the cable company and had to drop something off at the registrar's office at her school. She asked if I wouldn't mind doing those things for her in exchange for the $100 deposit she would get back from the cable company. I agreed and set off for her apartment. Once there, she gave me instructions about what to do and threw in two bottles of Cuban rum for good measure. (Yum!) I saw her into a taxi, which was indeed, very sad.

Upon returning to my apartment at around 4:00, I resumed my job search. Not before long I got a text from Dan, one of the bloggers who comments here. I had emailed him a few days before to see if he wanted to meet up, given that we live in the same neighborhood, know a lot about each other's lives and are both floating around the city unemployed these days. He agreed and texted me to see if I wanted to get together that night. I said I was free and we planned to meet for dinner at around 8:00.

An hour or so later, NDN stopped by. He was very distressed and said he needed to decompress with a trip to the Banya. He had a stressful day and got caught in traffic on his way back from CT. Then he was "blamed" for being late by his stuffy older brother who was waiting to use the same car. I gave him a hug and he told me to stop by for a beer later, which I did.

When I arrived at NDN's apartment, Oc was having some email drama. He had receieved an email from his ex-girlfriend even though when they left each other, they had agreed to no contact. The whole thing really threw him off. We hung out for a while and talked about relationships and drank our Baltikas. NDN was getting drunk. (As he likes to say, he's a "cheap date.") After a while, I left the boys with $50 to pick up some marijuana for me and then stopped home to change.

I had plans to meet Dan for dinner at a Japanese place a few blocks away. On my way there, I stopped into Cheers to saya quick hello to IrishBird. I told her I would come in on Wednesday (of last week), but never did so I hadn't really seen her all week. I downed a Jack and diet and did a shot of Stoly. FightingMensch's younger brother was there, along with PumpedUp, IrishBird and BarMan. I said hello and goodbye to everyone and set off for dinner.

When I got to the Japanese place, Dan was standing outside waiting for me. When we went in, he realized that he knew one of the waitresses there. She used to work in a different restaurant that he frequented downtown. I have to say-- meeting a fellow blogger is a very strange thing, indeed. I already had the pleasure of meeting Sunshine back in April, but that was mediated by the fact that we had already talked on the phone quite a few times. There's nothing quite like walking up to an absolute stranger--one who already knows the most intimate details of your life! It's just not a natural construct. But being what it was, we were able to skip over all of the usual converstaional formalities, instead talking about personal stories from our past. The food was good, the conversation was good, and we enjoyed a bottle of sake with the meal.

Oc had mentioned to me that he wanted to go out for drinks at a place down in the village. I told him that I would call him after dinner and that we could go with Dan as well. Oc called me at some point to tell me that he and NDN were home drinknig and that they wanted me to come back so we could all sample the weed. Dan and I had walked over to Manchester and were drinking Maeve's White Russians. (Yum!) We took two seats at the bar and the guy on the other side of Dan said hi to me. At first, I couldn't place him for the life of me, until I realized that I had kissed him before, which left me feeling really awkward. Oh well... I guess there's only a handful of times that I've kissed people at Manchester, so I suppose if I really wanted to, I could go back through this blog and figure out who he is, but it's not worth it. After two drinks or so, we left Manchester and walked towards my place.

When we got to my apartment, I rang NDN's bell as I unlocked my own door. He popped his head out and greeted me and Dan.

"Hi, I'm NDN!" he said.

I thought it was so cute that he used his blog name! I grabbed some Vodka and Red Bull and a bottle of rum from my own apartment and we went over to NDN's. From there, we all smoked up, drank and talked for a few hours. Dan played us a rap song that he and his friend had written and that he had recorded online.

I don't remember the entire sequence of events or everything that we talked about at this point (guess I waited a little too long to post). I brought out the "medicine" and did some, so the night is kind of blurry to me. I mean, think about it...I had beer, sake, whiskey, vodka, rum, marijuana and cocaine all in the span of a few short hours. Needless to say, I started to feel a rather shitty comedown at around 2:00 am.

NDN went to bed at some point and Oc and Dan came over to hang out at my place. We smoked cigarettes and talked for a while more, mostly about psychology and relationships and life in general. Towards the tail end of the night I started to feel sad about the whole Narc thing again. Oc left at around 3:30 am, and I knew I should head to bed as well because I had to wake up early the next day to go to CT. I asked Dan to walk me across the street to the deli to get some water. I didn't want to be caught with cottonmouth and dizziness and nothing to drink! He kindly did so and then walked me back to my door. We said goodbye and he was off.

After that, I came back upstairs and tried to fall asleep, but I couldn't. I felt anxious and uncomfortable being alone with my comedown. I decided to go check out what was happening over at Cheers. I think it was already after 4:00 so I suspected they would be closed or closing. I was in my pajamas and toting a water bottle, but didn't care. After all, they can't judge--Cheers is my "home away from home."

When I opened the door, PumpedUp greeted me with gusto.

"What's the story, Hyde?" he exclaimed.

The bouncer berated me for never being around anymore. (He only works on weekends).

"I'm around," I said. "Just haven't been here as much on the weekends!"

"Well get yourself back here on Saturdays!"

I took at seat at the bar and BarMan told me that he and ThursdayGirl had been at Manchester late Thursday night. He told me that he had met Sean Duffy.

"Yeah, that guy thinks I'm nuts," I said. "I always show up there already wasted."

BarMan laughed.

"Well, I told him that you come to us first."

"So, you guys talked about me?"

"Well, just a little..."

I felt weird about that.

"Where were you Thursday though, Hyde?" he asked

"I told you guys--I was hanging out with B!"

"Which one is B?" PumpedUp chimed in, "The huge black guy?"

"What? No! That's the Stallion," I said.

PumpedUp knows who B is... Why was he being annoying like that?

"I don't know Hyde," he laughed, "I can't keep track of your men."

Part of me thought that was funny, but the greater part of me was irritated. It's not like I have so many men to keep track of.

I asked for a drink, but IrishBird told me that they had already done last call.

"Here, share this with me," PumpedUp said, offering me half of his Vodka and Cranberry.

"Ok."

I sat there for a really long time, feeling shaky and coming down from all of the crap in my system. FightingMensch's brother was still there and he kept staring at me. Did I look that fucked up? Maybe he wasn't staring. Maybe I was just paranoid, but I still felt uncomfortable. I finally went home at around 5:30 am, fell asleep around 7:00 am and woke up again at 8:30 am.

THE WEEKEND:

The next morning I woke up still feeling like hell. I drank all of my water (about three bottles worth) and got dressed, still feeling physically strained. Eventually I got myself packed up for the weekend out of town and met NDN and Oc by the elevators. NDN's mom and his Nana came to pick us up. The boys and I squished into the backseat. Oc dozed off for most of the ride, while I listened to NDN provoke his mother and grandmother by telling stories and making comments that he knew would set them off. He thought it was pretty hysterical. When we finally got there, all three of us collapsed into afternoon naps.

NDN woke me up at some point to tell me that we were going grocery shopping at "Stew Leonards." He said that it was an experience unlike any other and that I would love it. It's hard to describe to you guys what it was like, but here's a descrpition from the Stew Leonards website (http://www.stewleonards.com/):

"Stew Leonard's was dubbed the 'Disneyland of Dairy Stores' by the New York Times, because of its own milk processing plant, costumed characters, scheduled entertainment, petting zoo and animatronics throughout the stores."

You get the picture...

We walked around the store taking in all of the sights and sounds and picking up food for that evening's barbeque. We posed for some pictures with Daisy the duck and Clover the cow, and a woman asked Oc "where he was from that he never shucked corn." We laughed, ate some free food samples and at the end of it all, NDN bought us freshly made ice cream.

Back at NDN's house, we sat around the pool for a while before dinner. His Nana was quite entertaining, with opinions on anything and everything. For example, she told him that she seriously disapproved of shorts in the workplace. Dinner was absolutely delicious, and after dinner we had some "wig festivities." I know it sounds odd, but NDN and I are both odd in that way. I can be very theatrical and have a huge supply of costumes, wigs, theater makeup, etc. Apparently, he has his own set of similar items. We brought up some of that junk along with my guitar for the weekend. From our fooling around with the costume stuff, a brilliant character emerged--Wig Guy (WG). WG is a rocker, speaks with a quasi-British accent, writes love songs, lives hard, and is just the most awesome guy ever. In fact, I have to say it--YOU'RE AWESOME WG!

After dinner we all went to sit around the pool and smoke some weed. We had a blast. NDN imagined some fucked up aliens living on the stars with eyes like flower stems. Oc and I pointed out that nothing lived on stars since they were burning balls of gas.

"Unless the stars are hell," I said. "And the whole joke is that we think they're beautiful while people are burning up there!"

(Can you tell we were high?) It was great time. Oc was making scary faces with the flashlight and freaking me out. Our lighter kept fizzling and we were all afraid it was going to explode.

Back inside, we gorged ourselves on whatever we could find in the kitchen--cupcakes, a carton of milk, crackers and hummus, cereal and lollypops. For a while we layed around talking and tried to watch some TV, but eventually we all began to drift off to sleep.

The next morning NDN prepared us a delicious breakfast of eggs and bacon (as if we hadn't already eaten enough!) and Oc made us mimosas with bluberries. After breakfast we again relocated to the pool. The boys had gone to a concert last Thursday to hear a band called "My Favorite." They bought the CD and it became the soundtrack of our weekend. We listened to music and they had some "ancient olympic games" in the pool. One of their games--"Feats of Strength." NDN put two boulders in the pool, and they had to race across the pool with the boulders. I, of course, was the judge. It was great fun. WG made a brief reappearance that afternoon and NDN made me a steak sandwich.

All three of us are going through relationship struggles. Oc had received that upsetting email from his ex on Friday, NDN had things get bitter with his ex over the furniture issue, and you all know about my travails with Narc. So basically, we all had things to obsess about and obsess we did! Unfortunately, I couldn't enjoy the great outdoors as much that day because my eyes were freaking out from allergies.

We hung out in CT for the entire afternoon on Sunday, finally catching a train back to the city at around 8:30 pm. We had grand plans for the evening. There was some discussion of a movie, the purchase of a bottle of wine, and the preparation of some Stew Leonard's clam chowder, but the whole thing somehow degenerated into marijuana yet again. At around 11:00, feeling good about my weekend with friends, I sent Narc that "closure" email. We ate dinner at NDN's and then came back to my place to watch 24 Hour Party People. Both Oc and NDN fell asleep in the middle of the movie and I was stoned off my ass, so at around 2:30 am I woke up the boys and sent them home.

MONDAY:

On Monday I woke up bright and early in preparation to go out to my parents house on Long Island. Both NDN and Oc had planned to accompany me, but Oc had a lot on his mind and an interview to prepare for on Tuesday, so NDN and I set off just the two of us. He was excited to meet my mom, as they seem to share some personality traits. (Both of them like to be the "ham" of the family). BigSis picked us up at the train station, and NDN got to meet the whole crew--BigSis, LilSis, JBC, my parents, my grandpa, and then my sister's in-laws and her niece and nephew. We're pretty close with their family. Only Bro-in-Law wasn't there because he had to work. It was a great barbeque. Everyone swam and we sat around talking all afternoon. I think that NDN got along great with my family. My mom bought some strange cake shaped like a hamburger. If NDN gets around to posting his pictures online, I'll show you guys a picture of that here, because trust me--it was a sight to see!

The barbeque went until about 8:00 pm, but I was desperate to see some fireworks. My mom's partner in her law practice has a house right on the beach in Bayville (on the Long Island Sound) and there are always crazy Fourth of July fireworks there, so my mom, NDN and I took a drive over. It was definitely as good as promised. There were enormous bonfires blazing all along the beach for as far as the eye could see, and every 20 feet or so, tremendous fireworks sprayed out of the sand into the sky before crashing into the sea. Some of the fireworks were large and beautiful, others were smaller and made huge crackling sounds. The whole scene was entirely surreal and beautiful and I was completley enamored with it. I'm a HUGE fan of fireworks. Most people I know get bored after a little while, but I could stare at them for hours. The whole world becomes transformed into a dream (or a night club, but either way you look at it, it's awesome!).

While NDN and I were on the train home (in fact, at precisely 12:18 am), I received that dastardly text from Narc. It completley threw me for a loop. As such, Monday night was rough for me, but I charged my cell phone in the kitchen instead of in my bedroom like I usually do, so I wouldn't be tempted to keep looking at the message a million times in the middle of the night.

TUESDAY:

On Tuesday I layed around for a lot of the day and actually napped. I think I wanted to be in denial and not cope with the whole Narc thing, and I think that all of the drugs and alcohol from last week mixed with the emotional stress just knocked me out. I called my friend IronChef who used to be my boss when I worked at that music management company in 2000. She thinks I'm brilliant and if she has extra work, sometimes she throws it my way. She was glad that I called and said that she was actually about to call me. She needed someone to do some editing for her. (She's Taiwanese and when she needs something really polished has to run it by someone else.) She also said that she may need some help planning a festival at the Wintergarden this fall. It's not a steady job and it's pay-per-project and the pay is not all that great, but at least it's some kind of work. I agreed to do some preliminary editing and told her that I would meet her at her office at 4:30 the next day. At around 5:00 I went for a pedicure and popped a few Vivarin because I just felt so out of it. At 7:00 I went to go meet my friend Nipkins for dinner. I knew her in college through friends of friends, but we weren't really close. Then, three years ago, when I spent that summer in London she was coincidentally doing the same program. We met for dinner at a vegan restaurant in the East Village. After dinner we went out for bubble tea (or as they say in Tagalog "sago"). It was great to catch up with her because we hadn't hung out one on one in a while. We walked around the neighborhood for a bit and stopped in Urban Outfitters. I was annoyed because everything I wanted to buy was overpriced so I didn't get anything.

Back at my place I just planned to have a chill night and to stop by Cheers for an hour or two before going to bed. As I was refreshing my makeup and listening to Rigoletto, Oc stopped by and asked if I wanted to go for a smoke on the roof. I agreed to join him, and we hung out up there and talked for a while. He told me in more detail about the recent drama between him and his ex, and we talked about being attracted to the wrong "types." (For example, I'm always attracted to needy guys for a few reasons--first of all, it triggers my nurturing side, second of all, it mitigates all of my fears of abandonment--the needier they are, the less likely they are to leave, and third of all--neediness is usually masked by false bravado and a macho domineering nature which I seem to find appealing despite all of my best efforts).

Anyway, I asked if he wanted to come with me to Cheers and he agreed, but when we got there, they were closing up. It wasn't even 1:00 am! I was pissed, but IrishBird said that it had been dead all night. Oh well... Off to Manchester!

When we got there, Sean Duffy was working and was surprisingly friendly. I think he was happy that I walked in sober. Yay! Oc and I hung out for a while talking about anything and everything. I especially enjoyed our discussion of religion. He is a practicing Catholic and I've always struggled with reconciling my religious beliefs and my "felt-sense" of spirituality with my life's experiences. His resolution particularly interested me. Anyway, from there we moved on to politics and the crisis in the Middle East. It was then that Dan stopped in and joined us.

The three of us caroused there for a few hours. We met a girl named Tia who was wearing a tremendous straw cowboy hat. All four of us did shots for a while. She asked me to distract an annoying drunk guy who was bothering her. She and Oc went outside for a while to smoke. All through this, I kept getting those drunk messages from Narc. I was so glad that I was with friends when it happened and not at home laying in bed trying to ignore the phone, but even so, it definitely fucked with my head. I just miss him so much, but I know that there's nothing to go back to there. It's like what I want doesn't exist, so every time I'm tempted to call him back, I keep telling myself that what I want is NOT THERE. I mean, several of my friends have pointed out to me--he never once apologized to me in any of those messages.

I guess that night I was getting pretty angry because as we were leaving the bar, I smashed my umbrella to pieces on the street. I NEVER get angry, and I really don't know what came over me. We tried to convince Tia to come back with us, and she said that she would, but then her drunk friend insisted that she go home with her. Anyway, back at my place, I brought out some coke and more alcohol and we all sat around and talked for a few more hours. It was good to be with friends at a time like that. Oc and Dan left and I got to bed at around 6:30 am. I was freaking out a bit because I had to call me therapist at 9:30.

WEDNESDAY:

I don't know how I managed that phone call on only two hours of sleep, but I did it. After therapy I tried to get myself up and focused because I still had to edit those articles and be at IronChef's office at 4:30, but I just couldn't do it. My head felt like it was going to split in two and I still clearly had the drugs and alcohol in me. I crawled back into bed and set the alarm for 12:30 pm. I finally dragged myself out of the house by 1:30 pm feeling moderately stabilized. I brought my laptop to the diner, got lunch and tried to edit the articles. At 4:30 I showed up at her office. It was cool because she wanted to talk more about the content of the articles than anything else, so it wasn't like I was underprepared. We talked "business" for about an hour or so and then just sat around and gossiped. I haven't seen her in so long! I saw her at a dinner party back in February (the week Narc stood me up for the opera) and then I saw her again for dinner at some point in March or April... I don't remember when. Anyway, it was good to see her again to, and also to be in a "normal" work environment. I feel like my view of the world is getting warped by all of this debauchery and the fact that so many people I know aren't working right now...

From there I set off to meet B on the Upper West Side. I got caught in a tremendous thunderstorm which didn't bother me at all, because I was rather awestruck. B and I met at Tower Records and then headed to our favorite Chinese place from when we used to live in that neighborhood. After dinner we saw March of the Penguins at Lincoln Plaza. We both loved the movie, but I have to say, I found it rather depressing. Those poor penguins!

After the movie we came home and I stopped at Duane Reade to buy toilet paper when I bumped into NDN and Oc. Oc was on his way out--he moved to Greenpoint last night. B went to Dunkin' Donuts and bought me a donut. It was gooooood. Then we just chilled at home and went to bed at around 12:30.

And that bring me to today! I've learned my lesson. I won't let so long go between blogs. This thing was a bitch to write!!!

Narc Caves

All right, I know I owe a post with a lot more, but things are just fucking crazy right now. It WILL be forthcoming. In the meantime, a record of last night's phone calls:

12:25 AM: Home Answering Machine

Well, what should I say, Hyde? This is the back up call. I've already called your cell phone and you've not answered, so I tried your land line and you're not answering. So...you're obviously asleep. Um... I don't know what to tell you. I would love to see you tonight, but you're down. We'll figure it out somewhat...

Bye.

1:15 AM: Cell Phone Voice Mail:

Hyde,

Here's your call back number. What the FUCK? Where the fuck are you? ANSWER ME!

All right. Bye... I'll try your cell.

1:26 AM Home Answering Machine:

Hyde,

I have to admit--you probably have the most annoying and yet boring at the same time answering machine message. Um... All right. It's me and I'm here. When you hear this, I'm there. What can I say? I don't know... I just want to talk to you.

All right. Whatever...

Bye.

2:40 AM Cell Phone Voice Mail:

Hyde, it's Narc.

You are probably ignoring me right now. I forgot that women do this. I was thinking for a second there that you were like all rational and that, um, if I wanted to see you and you wanted to see me, you'd all be like: "Oh yeah... We should figure this out!" But I forgot that you're a woman and you're going to dwell on some kind of weird-ass like serpentine underwater thing. Well, you know...like, figuratively underwater thing.

So... That having been said... I'm gonna get... It's 2:30 right now. 2:38 right now. So... We're going to work that out. But anyway...

Now... I am going to make a couple of, um, declarations with myself. Doesn't have to be you, but I keep thinking if I talk long enough you'll pick up. And I don't have a Ms. Pac-Man machine here, but if I did... Why DON'T I have a Ms. Pac-Man machine? A good question! All right. I'm not going to talk out of my ass anymore.

Hyde-- just PICK UP! This is NONSENSE! I don't want to fight anymore and I know YOU don't want to fight anymore. This is STUPID. I don't want to be stupid anymore.

All right... Whatever... You know my number.

******************************

Hyde's response?

NONE!!!!!

(But I feel like shit...)

The Response

It's 1:00 am and I'm fucking exhausted so I'm going to go to sleep in two minutes, but I got a response from Narc and HAD to post it. I was on the train with NDN when the text came through. My stomach flipped over and I felt like I was going to throw up. I'm glad NDN was there to talk me through it, but he's since gone to bed and I'm still reeling.

Anyway, here's the text. Again, I'll update you on the rest of my weekend tomorrow. Right now I just need to quiet my brain with the numbing of stupid television and to pray for some sleep.

The Response from Narc:

Back from fireworks, got your message. If you think it's possible to hang out as friends we can discuss that... Else we're probably done. Let me know...

So??? What does that mean?????

Closure

Good morning!

I have a ton to write about and absolutely no time right now, as I'm heading out to Long Island in just a little while to celebrate the Fourth of July. I just had to post this though... (Yes, of course--it's more Narc stuff...) Last night I sent an email to Narc. I still don't expect to hear anything from him, and I'm starting to not want to. The point is that I needed closure. I spent a really great weekend surrounded by friends and figured it was better to do this now when things are good than later in case things get bad (and I start to feel needy and impulsive). I had to do it either way though. There was no way I could possibly let that "don't ever speak to me again" text be the final word between us.

Anyway, here's what I wrote:

Dear Narc,

I don't even know if you'll read this. I know you don't want to hear from me, and I agree that it's best not to speak to each other, so don't worry--- you won't hear from me again. That said, I do need a bit of closure in my own way, so I guess I'm writing this more for my sake than for yours...

I just hate leaving things in anger and I needed to tell you that I regret how things happened. You were too important to me for me to leave that unsaid. Also, I'm sorry for any pain or discomfort that I caused you.

The past week has been really good for me, and I hope it has been restorative for you too. Because of that, I'm convinced that it's best to close this chapter of my life and move on.

I'll always care about you and I hope you know that. I wanted to say goodbye in my own way and to wish you luck. That's all.

Take care always,

Hyde

I think the letter is okay, even though, as Oc pointed out, it was an "indulgent" thing to do. Anyway, that's all I have time for right now. I still have to tell you all about how I met Dan (a fellow blogger) on Friday and about my trip to CT with NDN and Oc this weekend, but that will have to wait.

Happy Fourth everybody!!!

Hyde

Moving On

I started writing this post yesterday, but never got around to finishing it. I was sitting at home for most of the day, feeling like shit in general. Although I hadn't had all that much to drink the night before, I had supplemented it with a tiny bit of "medicine," (which I did on my own) and for some reason it all left me feeling more fucked up than usual. Maybe I wouldn't have felt so bad if I weren't sitting at home with my thoughts about Narc and the mess of figuring out my student loan consolidation, but whatever... Wednesday was a "restorative" day for me in general and I think I'm on the road to healing, so I really can't complain.

On Tuesday night I hung out with NDN and Oc again. NDN was packing up half of his house--getting rid of the infamous tables and cleaning out his kitchen of everything belonging to his ex. Since a certain "anonymous" asked about NDN's ex-girlfriend drama, I'll fill you all in on it briefly.

Basically, his ex-girlfriend left several tables with him when she moved out of the apartment a few months back. The tables had belonged to her grandparents, and she planned on eventually reclaiming them. Unfortunately, festivities up here on the 20th floor had left the tables damaged by charcoal burns (thanks to the hookah!) and NDN had to figure out what to do about it. Last week he went to price the repairs and then called his ex to ask her: "What should we do?"

"What should WE do?" she demanded, "YOU should take care of the whole thing!!!"

Somehow, what could have been an easily worked-out exchange blew up into a major fight. The ex demanded back all of her kitchen supplies and insisted on coming into the apartment herself to pack it up. It got a little bit nasty. NDN said that he would pack it up for her, as he didn't want her in his apartment. He said he would leave everything for her, including a check for the furniture repairs with the super downstairs. She insisted on coming into the apartment herself and threatened to call the police. She said she already had a "warrant," which was total bullshit. They went back and forth on it for a while, and the whole thing turned pretty ugly. In the end, NDN left the stuff for her, and it was fine.

But on Tuesday night, when I stopped in to check on NDN after the day of fighting, he was still in the process of packing it up. I was on my way out to Cheers. Unfortunately, when I got to Cheers they were closing up even though it was only 1:00 am. Schisse! I talked to IrishBird for a few minutes, but PumpedUp was cranky and wanted to close up and go home. He was rushing her out of there, and so in the interest of not causing any conflict between the two of them, I left. I headed across the street to the market, picked up a bottle of wine, and returned to my building to resume hanging out with NDN and Oc.

We had a good time but NDN went to bed early. (After all, he had to go to work the next day, not like me, which I'm starting to feel guilty about). Oc and I stayed up talking. We went up to the roof to smoke, and I chugged down the whole bottle of wine. We sat up there for a while. I think I probably got a little too emotional, but I was getting tipsy, so it's pretty par for the course. We headed back downstairs after a while and I got to bed at around 3:30.

The next morning, I had to get up relatively early because I had therapy. It was a good session, but it made me realize still how fucked up I am about the whole Narc thing, and how even though it's over and it's impossibly hard for me, I still only ended it because he told me "not to talk to him." I need to get a grip and figure out why I'm so addicted to drama and why I like being hurt. Anyway, I had plans to go visit GoldenFinch out on Long Island, so right after the appointment, I raced off to Penn Station. The train ride was about an hour and a half long--just enough time for me to reflect on all of this in a more meaningful way. I have a lot of thoughts on the matter, but I'm almost sick of thinking about it all and so I just don't feel like rehashing it all again here.

GoldenFinch picked me up at the train station at the "end of the line." It's weird that she's married and in the suburbs now. I mean, she's been living out there for five years already, but it still strikes me as strange. She got married two years ago and she and her husband just bought their first house. Even though we're still very much "spiritually" alike, her life looks so different than mine. I still look like I'm still in the same mode as when we were in college!

I had never seen the house, and it was very sweet. She walked me through and showed me their garden, the birdfeeder, etc. (We made sure to steer clear of the dead bird!) GoldenFinch was eating berries off of a tree in her yard. She said that they were mulberries, and offered me some, but I was cautious. I just don't go for eating unmarked fruits found in the wild. She didn't die though, so I guess it was okay. Anyway, she picked some basil from the garden and we went back inside to have lunch. GoldenFinch heated up some burgers and made us a mozzarella, tomato and basil salad. Yum! After lunch she announced some suggestions for afternoon activities. She wanted to pick up her photos from the developer. (She recently returned from a trip to Croatia and Venice.) Then she suggested Italian ices, a nature preserve (which included a very GoldenFinch-esque field of wildflowers) and some singing before dinner. I agreed and we were off.

While GoldenFinch was picking up her pictures at Duane Reade, I was happy to buy two packs of cigarettes free of the city tax! After that, we got our ices. (I was a good girl and got the sugar free.) Then we were off to the preserve. It was such a quintessentially GoldenFinch activity. She led me through the woods into a clearing. I have to say, I felt out of place. The city is in my blood and it just felt weird to be in nature without anyone else around. There were flying grasshoppers and dragon flies and all sorts of birds. We walked into the field of flowers (which unfortunately were not yet in full bloom) and GoldenFinch started pulling up honeysuckle and sucking on it. Again, I didn't want to put anything in my mouth found in the wild. I like my food labeled, packaged and prepared.

We walked across the field and I tried to avoid the insects. She told me that her husband likes to pet sleeping bumble bees. Weird. GoldenFinch is into bird watching and we brought along two sets of binoculars. She pointed out some of the different birds to me as we strolled. (Including her favorite--the Goldfinch!) It was great to get to spend that kind of time with her and to get out of the chaos of the city even if it was just for a few hours. We talked and talked. I miss having her around in the city. We used to be joined at the hip and really helped each other through those years.

Leaving the field, we walked back to the car through the woods. I thought a bug flew into my eye and made her inspect it, but she couldn't find anything. I was freaked out though. Enough nature for me. On the drive back to her house we talked about grad school, different paper topics, and our respective takes on this whole strange process of working towards the PhD.

Once back home, GoldenFinch and I looked at her pictures before her husband came home. Then we hung out in the kitchen and sang rounds while the two of them made dinner. We sang some more at the piano and then sat down to eat. I miss singing duets with her! We both agreed though, we need to learn some new ones. The old stuff is getting stale.

At twilight, I started to feel blue about the whole Narc thing again. (I can only keep it out of my mind for so long...) After dinner, GoldenFinch and settled down on the couch I talked about it for a while. She showed me her wedding album, which had finally come back from the photographer, and I started to feel a little better. She had been away for most of the drama of the past month and said that she read all of June in my blog it one sitting. She said it made her cry. Yeah? Well, me too... At around 9:00 she took me back to the train.

On the train ride home, again, I didn't read or do anything except think. For me, that whole day was kind of a transition for me in terms of my Narc-healing. The pain has gone from being incredibly blunt to a little bit more livable in a long-term kind of way. While I was on my way home, though, I got an upsetting phone call from BigSis. She told me that my stepbrother was having complications from the recent skull replacement surgery. The area was filling with fluid and his white blood cell count was high, so the doctors feared infection. Obviously, a brain infection is a really bad thing, so they wanted to take out the artificial skull piece and put him on antibiotics for 14 days before replacing it. That means that he had to undergo head surgery AGAIN yesterday and then in two weeks, will have to have it AGAIN. That's four times now that they'll have opened up his head. I feel so bad for him!

I was super stressed out about it for the last leg of the trip and had to fight back my tears. I just feel so overwhelmed with everything lately. That night it was raining down on me all at once. Nevertheless, VJ called and asked if I would stop by her place when I got back. Although it was already 11:00 pm I agreed, as she is moving out of the city today. VJ and I met 9 years ago and were roommates in college. We've just been through so much and I can't believe that she's leaving NY. (I told her that I'd blog her a special entry--an "ode to VJ," so I'll have to put that up later.)

I met her at her apartment which was filled with huge cardboard boxes, and general VJ-style chaos. We sat there and talked for a while about our respective "obsessions." She is having a little bit of drama with her new boyfriend and wanted to talk it out. Then we decided to go out for some ice cream. She is throwing out a lot of stuff, so as we sat and ate, I picked through a box of jewelry that she's discarding and pulled a few things to keep. As we parted ways, saying goodbye on the street corner, I was sad.

I got back to my building at about 12:30 am and could see that NDN was still awake by the light on in his window. He had left me a message earlier sounding really depressed about the whole furniture drama with his ex. I decided to ring the bell and see what he and Oc were up to.

When he answered the door, NDN was happily drunk and greeted me with gusto. I dropped my stuff off in my own apartment, changed into pajamas and went back over there to join in. NDN grabbed me and started dancing--twirling and spinning us in circles until we both were dizzy. Finally, he wore himself out and collapsed onto the couch. Oc was calmly working on some kind of email to a girl he met the other day. NDN started to tell me about what had gone down that afternoon between him and his ex, but then he and Oc got into a stupid little quarrel in which I have to say, NDN was being a bit of a "mean drunk." (Well, not really, but at least an aggressive one!) I headed back to my apartment to see what I had to drink. I figured one had to be drunk to make sense of the whole scene.

I only had two mini-bottles of wine and I offered one to Oc. Later I couldn't avoid the hard stuff and brought out the Jack Daniels and then some rum and diet coke. Before long, NDN pulled out a pillow and blanket and fell asleep on the floor. Oc and I stayed up talking again. He wanted to smoke, so when NDN went to bed, we moved into my apartment. We stayed up the entire night and Oc didn't leave until around 6:30 am! I don't know how I managed that, as I had been SO tired earlier in the evening.

I fell asleep around 7:00 am and didn't open my eyes again until 11:00. Reaching for my cell phone (as I'm prone to do in the morning given that Narc likes to leave messages in the middle of the night--force of habit), I found it smashed into pieces. It's really strange because I don't remember it breaking. (I guess I must have some little blackout spots.) I tried to piece it back together and was largely successful, but two of the buttons are missing. I had to bind the whole thing up with some scotch tape to make it stick. The phone is in working condition, but it looks really crappy. I don't care in terms of "style," I just hope that the whole thing holds up!

So yesterday I spent the bulk of the day feeling like shit from substance abuse and trying to figure out how to consolidate my student loans online. I started this post, ordered Chinese takeout and watched some TV. B came over at around 5:00. He has been really sweet to me this week--calling to check on me all the time because he knows how sad I am right now. It helps to feel so loved and taken care of. We hung out for a while and just talked. I'm reading one of those cheesy self-help books to try to help me process all of the Narc stuff, and it's kind of crazy how much of myself I see in the psychological profiles of those fucked up women. (Again, that's something that I'll blog more about later.)

B and I click in a way in which we can talk forever and ever and we're always on the same page. Our conversations always leave me with new insights about myself and about life in general, and it feels good to me when I can offer him good advice, feeling both wise and nurturing. It was nice. Making the evening even nicer-- Bram Stoker's Dracula was on TV, so we watched it for about 20 minutes while I got dressed. I pretty much know the movie by heart, and we have so many inside jokes about it that it made for a lot of laughs.

After that we headed out for sushi. Delicious! We walked to the movie theater about 10 blocks down and saw War of the Worlds. I thought it was beautifully directed. Many of the images stuck with me. I also thought Tom Cruise was awesome. The plot (or lack of it) frustrated me though. I thought it ended too abruptly and I left the theater feeling "bitin" (as they say in Tagalog!) We got back to my place just after midnight and were both tired. We stayed up talking for a bit longer, and then headed to sleep.

Today I've got to seriously crack the whip on myself in terms of my job search. I'm going to CT with NDN and Oc tomorrow and Sunday, and then to Long Island for the 4th, so I'm not sure when I'm going to be able to blog next. I'm sure it won't be long, though, as I'm rather addicted.

I can't leave you all without mentioning that today is the one week anniversary of Narc telling me to "never speak to him again." I can't get it out of my mind and I'm still so sad, sad, sad. I just can't believe how this ended and that I actually am allowing it to end. But next week has got to be easier than this past week has been, and so on and so forth, right? Like I said, it's the first time we've gone a week without contact since early April. I am so going through withdrawal. It sucks.

Hope you're all doing well though...

hyde