Love is in the Air (Again!)

First of all, I need to tell you all that my internet connection at home is down for a while. It's why I couldn't get this posted last night and why you may not hear from me for a few days... Anyway, I'm dating the post from last night--when I originally wrote it.

So it seems that there's a little commotion in blogland over what happened between me and Dan this week. I guess strange things can happen when "bloggers collide." (That was the title of someone's post, although I don't remember whose).

Anyway, the reason I didn't detail Monday night is because I don't remember much of it, and I can't speak to what I don't remember. One thing is clear though--I was irrefutably and irredeemably drunk and woke up the next morning with a headache and a few unexplained text messages from Dan. I spoke to him on Tuesday afternoon and as things seemed fine on his end, I decided to "scrap" the whole thing.

Tuesday night I took it easy and on Wednesday I stayed home the whole day with the minor exception of running a few errands. The heat was formidable and I just couldn't bear it. But by Wednesday night I had to get out of the house. I planned to go to Cheers for dinner and maybe a drink (maybe...). I hadn't had a chance to really catch up with IrishBird in quite some time and Wednesday nights are usually quiet over there. While I was getting ready to go, I got a text from Dan:

I'm going to get drunk now. Wanna join me? I could use some cheering up.

I hadn't yet heard his post about the mishap at Yankee Stadium, so I wasn't sure what was wrong. I wrote him back:

Where are you & why?

Dan called me back not long after, explaining what had happened and that he had just gotten off the subway. I told him that I'd meet him at Cheers at 8:15.

I got to Cheers shortly before Dan. While I was sipping my first drink of the evening, we changed seats so that he could get a better view of the Yankee game. We hung out there for a while, just chatting about various things. (Beer for him, jack and diets for me). PumpedUp and FightingMensch were both there, so I got to point them out to Dan. I ordered a shepherd's pie for dinner. It was delicious! At one point I checked my cell phone for the time. It was then that I noticed I had one missed call from Narc. I went outside to listen to the message.

Hey Hyde, it's Narc. It's about 8:45 on Wednesday and um... I don't know-- I'm just giving you a call. I'm sort of down here pacing around the apartment and um... don't really want to be alone right now and just trying to see if, um, I can avoid that somehow. So um, (nervous laughter), I thought I'd give you a call and see what you're up to tonight. Um, all right. Well, maybe I'll try you at home. Give me a call when you get this. Bye.

Shit. Narc drives me CRAZY. I literally feel like the guy makes me lose my mind. My first impulse was to call him back right away, but I resisted. He knows that I'm immediately available to him, and I wanted to try to play it cool and preserve a modicum of dignity. So instead, I went back inside and met Dan at the bar. I was shaken by the contact from Narc though and couldn't really focus my brain. I went to the ladies room for a breather. While I was in there, IrishBird came in. She caught me by surprise and I gasped. I did my best to ground myself and then once again, went back to the bar.

I don't know why, but Narc is like a drug to me. And as soon as there's the possibility of a "fix," it makes me crazy. There's some strange magnetic pull and it's nearly impossible to resist unless I've been so freshly burned that the pain is the foremost thing in my mind. Then Narc contacted me again. At 9:16 he wrote:

Call when you can.

I did my best not to call him back, but by 9:26, I couldn't stand it any longer. (Great, Hyde--your will power lasted you a whole 10 minutes!) I wrote him a quick text:

Out right now. You gonna be up for a while?

He didn't respond. 10 minutes later, at 9:37, I called him.

"What are you up to?" he asked.

"Out with a friend," I told him. "And I'm not sure what time I'm gonna be home." (I had told Dan that I wanted to be home by 11:00 because I was so tired that night and didn't want to make it a big drinking night. I didn't want to tell Narc that, though, because I still wasn't sure if I wanted to see him or not and the Dr. Jekyll in me was telling me to go home and go to bed according to plan.)

"Look," I said, "I'll give you a call when I'm in for the night, okay?"

"All right, but I hope it's not too late!"

We hung up and I went back to hanging out with Dan. At some point, NDN dropped by. I was talking to the man seated on my other side--a businessman named Chris from Tennessee, so NDN caught me by surprise. He pulled up a chair on Dan's other side and the three of us hung out for some time, laughing and having fun. I tried not to think about the whole Narc thing, but of course, it was hard. At 10:33, Narc texted me again:

Coming down yet?

I guess he assumed I was coming. That's the way Narc and I are... he's always the one who calls the shots and just by the fact that he wrote that to me, I knew I would be seeing him that night. At the same time, I didn't want to cut short my night with my friends on account of him. That just wouldn't be cool. So I waited 10 minutes and replied:

Soon, but not yet.

NDN didn't like the fact that I had agreed to meet Narc. I'm sure Dan wasn't happy about it either, but he didn't object or make any effort to stop me. NDN, on the other hand, was convinced that I had had too much to drink. He was being protective of me. I've told him in the past that once I start, I lose judgement about how much I've drank, and he didn't want to see me get burned again by Narc. IrishBird served me a drink "on the house" (probably my seventh or eighth) and NDN tried to take it away.

"Give it back!" I protested, reaching for the drink.

Instead, NDN spilled it over the bar, aiming for the sink on the other side. Well, that infuriated IrishBird. She came over to us and demanded to know what was going on. NDN tried to explain that he thought I had had too much, but IrishBird would have none of it.

"I'm not just her bartender, but I'm her friend!" she said. "I bought her that drink and I'm looking out for Hyde and it's up to me and my judgement to decide when she's had too much to drink. I know Hyde and she's fine!"

"Well, I don't think she's fine," NDN replied, "so I guess it's not very good judgement on your part!"

The two of them were hopping mad, and IrishBird kicked him out of the bar. NDN stormed out the door.

I turned to Dan. "Shit. What the fuck just happened here?" I decided to plead NDN's case one more time to IrishBird.

"C'mon," I began, "he's just looking out for me."

"Well, I'm looking out for you too," she said. "And no one's going to come in here and tell me how to do my job!"

She was really infuriated. She told me that NDN shouldn't come back until he was ready to apologize. It was no use... I wrote NDN a text:

NDN, I love you & you know that. I'm sorry...

He answered back:

I know that & feel the same, I am just sitting here & stewing in anger at IrishBird & her bad call! NO SHE IS NOT a good judge & she didn't "buy" the drink like she said.

Things were getting strange so I suggested to Dan that we leave. Besides, I knew Narc was waiting. At that point it was about 11:20. I called Narc on the way home to tell him I was stopping home for a few things and would be there soon.

Back at my place, I rang NDN's bell and he joined me and Dan as I got ready to meet Narc. (I had to shave, etc. and freshen up in the bathroom). After that, I sang two songs for them, but my voice was shit on the opera because of the booze. I also played Elvis' American Trilogy as per NDN's request. NDN headed home to bed, and Dan stuck around while I finished packing my bag. It's then that we had a somewhat "serious" talk, standing in my kitchen. Dan told me that he "loves me." I wasn't completely surprised that he has feelings for me, but I was surprised that he chose to express them in such strong words. I asked him how long he's felt that way and he said that he has been sure since Monday. I certainly don't want to belittle what he said at all, but I hope it doesn't have anything to do with the way that I behaved while drunk on Monday night. After all, I don't even remember anything after we left Manchester. Anyway, I'm glad (and impressed) that he was able to be so honest, but I wasn't entirely sure of how to respond. He knows that I am all tangled up in this Narc thing right now and I can't even entertain the idea of anything else, so we'll have to leave it at that. That said, I was very flattered. It's nice to hear something like that, especially after all of the bullshit I get from Narc.

Dan walked me down to get a cab and hugged me goodbye. While I was on my way there, I got a text from him. (At this point it was 12:21 am).

Thanks again for seeing me tonight. I feel much better now that I've told you how I feel. Have fun with Narc. I hope we can hang out again soon. I love you very much.

When I got to Narc's place, he answered the door in his boxer shorts. There were trays of Indian food out on the table.

"It's from my favorite place," he said. "I ordered it for you."

"I already ate dinner," I told him, "but I'll have a little."

I heated up a plate of food and joined him on the couch. After I finished, Narc put his legs up on my lap and I was rubbing them a little. I think Anchorman with Will Ferrell was on TV. Neither of us said anything about having sex, but he just had an enormous erection that was hard to miss. I took that as my cue. Five minutes later I was giving him a blowjob. Five blowjobs later, I was wondering why he wasn't initiating intercourse. I told him that I wanted him to fuck me.

"I thought we weren't having sex," he said. "I thought it makes you all emotional."

"What??? So what have we been doing?" I asked.

"Well, those are just blowjobs."

"Look, it's the same thing! Whatever... Just fuck me, okay?"

He didn't seem to have a problem with that. Men can be so dense sometimes!

We layed around talking for a while and Narc told me that he actually booked his six week tour of Europe. As it stands right now, he's set to leave on August 28th and he'll be back on October 5th.

"Damn it, Narc! That's a long time! I'm going to miss you so much."

"Miss me?"

"Yeah. I mean we've never gone that long. Do you realize how much we see each other?"

"Well it can't be that much."

"Yes it can. We're supposed to be 'taking time apart,' and yet I've seen you three times in the past week and a half!"

"Well, you'll be fine."

"I know. And you're going to have so much fun. Just don't forget to send me a postcard."

"Where do you want it from?"

"Your choice. Just don't forget."

(I know he's going to forget.)

I asked Narc what he's been up to the past few days. He told me that he's basically been doing "nothing."

"I was doing better for a few days," he said, "But today I got really depressed again."

He told me that he had been up all night Tuesday night and didn't go to bed until 8:00 am or so on Wednesday morning. Then he slept the whole day away on Wednesday. He explained that James' wife finally left town so he and James partied all night and stayed up drinking wine and doing coke. I told him his depression was probably from the after affects of the coke. In any case, he wasn't tired enough to get to bed, but I was. I was coming down off the alcohol and even though I had two more beers at Narc's it wasn't enough to keep me up. Narc popped a sleeping pill and we climbed into bed. It was nice sleeping next to him naked. I felt safe and fell asleep fast.

The next morning I opened my eyes at around 8:00. I felt sober and totally okay, but the room was literally spinning. It was weird. That has never happened to me before. I closed my eyes again and tried to go back to sleep. I woke up a second time at 9:00 am. This time I went to get water, brushed my teeth and combed my hair. Good. I looked a little more presentable. Then I climbed back into bed. At around 9:30 or 10:00, Narc's phone rang waking him up. He ignored the phone, but cuddled me a little and we ended up fucking again for an hour or so this morning. Then he got up and hopped in the shower, while I put my clothes on and plopped in front of the TV in the living room.

When Narc got out of the shower he came and joined me on the couch. I was just watching NY1 waiting for the weather. He flipped the channels, declaring that there was, as usual, "nothing on." Then he remembered that he had something TiVo'd especially for me. We have an old joke about Wuthering Heights. I re-read that book last summer and fell madly in love with it again. That was right around the time I met Narc. He laughed and said I would love a book like that because I'm so stormy and emotional. On several occassions early in the relationship when Narc brought me to tears, he would make fun of me and say that I was just being dramatic. He used to do this little impression and say "Oh, Heathcliff! Heathcliff!" It's hard to explain here, without being able to do the impersonation in person. Anyway, later it became a kind of affectionate joke about my moodiness. (Or maybe it was just a way for him to soften the impact of the emotional tears he so often provoked). In any case, Wuthering Heights has a certain meaning to us, and he saved it to watch just for me. I thought it was so incredibly sweet--sweet that he anticipted my visit and sweet that he thought of me when he saved it. We watched the whole movie together and ordered a pizza.

The movie, of course, made me cry and he thought that was cute. Afterwards, I lay there on his lap while he channel surfed again. We ended up catching the last quarter of Ghost which also made me cry. I felt rather pathetic. I mean, Wuthering Heights is one thing, but Ghost??? I mean, what's with me these days??? Narc couldn't seem to get himself moving for the day. I think it was the after-effects of the sleeping pill. So I offered him some Vivarin (which I always have on hand), and I think it helped a bit.

I had to leave just after 2:00 pm because I had a 3:00 pm voice lesson all the way uptown. Narc also had to leave to go see his analyst, only on the East side and a half an hour later than my appointment. He told me that he was planning on taking a stroll through the Neue Galerie after his appointment. I told him about my pact with Hammer to have a "date" at the Cafe Sabarsky once we each finish an incomplete. (I'm pretty sure I'm the one holding us up at this point!!!)

Anyway, when he walked me to the door he gave me a real hug and a kiss on the neck.

"See you soon!" I smiled.

"Yeah, sure." He seemed kind of blue.

I felt weird leaving there. I always do. It's like leaving some sort of dream world and reentering reality.

I made it to my lesson on time and suffered through the half an hour in that un-airconditioned apartment. At least the heat wasn't as nearly as bad as the day before. I guess I sang okay, but my body was really exhausted and I felt grimy. I still hadn't been home yet and couldn't wait to shower and change my clothes.

Back at home I went online to check my email and peruse the blogs and I read Dan's post and some of the comments there. I have to say, it's one thing to write about your own life on the internet, but it's altogether another thing when someone else is posting about you. It made me feel a little strange.

Later, I talked to B on the phone and then met my friend Nipkins for dinner. I got home not long ago and am debating whether I should go out for karaoke or stay in and get a good night's sleep. I think I'm going to opt for the sleep.

So that's it for now. I'm going to see Hammer in DC this weekend, so if I don't post tomorrow, you won't hear from me until Monday.

Hope you're all doing well!

Hyde

Bewitched (for LavaLady)

I thought the lyrics you posted were beautiful and remembered that you like this song, so I thought that in return, I'd give the whole AudioBlogger thing a go. Forgive the poor sound quality and the exhausted singer. Next time I try this I'll try to do something more polished. Now that I know how, anyway. Well, I'm off to eat dinner now. And maybe get a drink. (maybe...)

I Dream of Snowfall

Blanche:

How do I look?

Stella:

Lovely, Blanche.

Blanche:

I feel so hot and frazzled. Wait till I powder before you open the door. Do I look done in?

Stella:

Why no. You are as fresh as a daisy.

Blanche:

One that's been picked a few days!

IT IS SO HOT IN NEW YORK!!!

It is so hot that I can't bear to go outside! I took a brief walk to drop off my laundry this morning and I almost melted into a puddle. Ughh! Absolutely disgusting! I can't wait for the Winter to return. I painted my nails white and covered them in a layer of white glitter after that. Now, every time I look down at my fingers I dream of snowfall.

I've been in a very strange mood over the past few days. I feel like something is dying; something is ending. Maybe it's the Narc thing, but I don't think it's just that. To be honest, I'm not sure what it is or why I feel this way. I mean, there's been nothing unusual about this week. I drank too much on Monday night. I guess I forgot about my resolve to better plan out my drinking. It's okay, though, because I don't plan on partying much over the next two weeks. This weekend I may go down and see Hammer in D.C. and then I'm off for California with my mom and sisters. Hammer and I don't really drink a lot together, and I definitely don't drink around my family, so it should be enough to get me on track.

I haven't felt very sociable lately anyway. I haven't felt energized and I don't feel like meeting anyone new. There are too many loose ends floating about right now. So instead, I've been really pensive. And a million half-formed ideas have been tangled in my mind--mostly thoughts about why I don't live my life according to my own values and priorities.

I've been thinking about a conversation I had with Contessa over dinner last Friday. As part of our "Anxious-bashing" session, we talked about when Anxious told us that she kissed her Spanish professor. (That whole story is in my April 20th post--The Fuck Up) Basically, they used to go out together after class and she flirted with him all the time even though he is married. Then, one time he drove her home and they ended up kissing in the car. She presented the story as "oh no! What should I do?" when in reality, I know she was only telling the story to "show off" about her adventures. It really irritated me. It also upset Contessa but for very different reasons. Contessa said that the story made her feel "sick." That surprised me and I asked her why. She told me that she just "didn't need to hear" about one of her friends totally disrespecting someone else's marriage and that she didn't need to hear about some guy cheating on his wife. Contessa has always had more conservative values than I, but she stands behind them and has real respect for people and for committments. I feel like sex has become so "meaningless" to me and so it really struck me, what she said. It was refreshing to hear and I respect her for it.

Now we all know that I have pretty liberal views when it comes to sex and relationships, but there's a difference between having "liberal views" and using someone solely for physical pleasure. So much of what Narc and I have is only about using each other for pleasure. (Be it physical or emotional, it's always temporary and never deeply rooted.) Conflating sex only with momentary pleasure always devalues someone's humanity--very often my own. I know I'm a lot more complicated than I've been pretending to be in terms of my sexuality. It's hard for me to be measured about sex though. I feel like everything in this entire culture is geared towards stripping people down to their value as a commodity. All anyone asks is "what can that person do for me?"

I don't even know what I'm saying here. I guess I just feel like something is spiritually missing from my life-- something that I can't name, but that I know I heard in that conversation with Contessa. What she said revealed a valuing of humanity. That's what she engages in her relationships. I can't say the same for myself. In fact, the primary thing that has been missing between me and Narc over the past year is a respect for the "human-ness" of the other. I have never felt "whole" with him. I mean, he doesn't care at all about my needs, hopes, feelings, wishes, fears, accomplishments, etc. I'm just a sort of flattened symbol to him. I meet a certain set of needs. When he needs me, he calls on me, and the rest of the time I might as well not exist. In the end, isn't that all he is to me as well? Is it really HIM that I see and love? Or is that love just some sort of illusion I've created because I WANT to love? I don't think I see (and I mean SEE) many people as whole people for who they really are. Most people (friends included) I understand only in terms of the ways in which they come into contact with my life. With a few exceptions, everyone is understood and valued in terms of me. And while I don't take it to the same extremes as Narc, in the end, am I any better than he is for all of that?

One of the only people that I really SEE is B. We hung out together last night (and had a blast watching Jurassic Park on TV), and I realized that one of the reasons I love spending time with him so much--one of the reasons that I NEED him is that we see each other. Without that in my life I would just be desperately and existentially lonely. I love the way I feel when I'm with him, and sometimes I wonder why we ever broke up. I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore, but I love him with all of my heart. And when I have those thoughts I try to force myself to remember all of the misery from our life together. I have to constantly remind myself of it--he didn't love me in the way I needed to be loved just the way Narc doesn't love me in the way I need to be loved, even if they both still love me in their own ways.

I don't know... I feel like the end-result of all this is that I'm not treating myself as a whole person. And I'm not living by my values. I discard my priorities easily on a momentary impulse and it has been really bad for my sense of self. For about a year now, I've been treating myself like shit. I've been putting poisons into my body, I've been cavorting with people who refuse to acknowledge (or care about) my needs and I've been putting my work, my singing and all of my goals on the backburner. I haven't been keeping an orderly household and I haven't been keeping an orderly life.

What the fuck???

Anyway, I'm too tired and losing my train of thought. Besides, my Soap is on and I want to go watch it. I don't know what I'm thinking anymore. I only know that something is over, and something is just beginning. (Then again, isn't that always the case?)

And on top of it all is the heat. The heat that kills me. Ughh! Snow, snow, snow... Snow in the summer. It reminds me of last August when Narc did coke off my body. All of this heat is leaving me languid and soaking the city in the smell of death.

Quotes

Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it.

-Montaigne




When your face is hidden from me, like the moon hidden on a dark night, I shed stars of tears and yet my night remains dark in spite of all those shining stars.

-Jami

Summer Loving (or Not...)

Another long one... I wanted to post this sooner (as in yesterday), but I've been having major computer problems. Let's hope I get all of that resolved in the next day or two.

THURSDAY:

This has been an interesting weekend. Interesting and exhausting! I guess it all began on Thursday night. I really needed some down-time at home early in the evening. After ordering in some Chinese takeout, I talked to Hammer on the phone. I had plans to meet my friend NV over at Cheers but ended up running late because of the phone call. (It was worth it though. She and the Wizard were having some drama and we hadn't caught up with each other in quite a while!) I finally got out of the house and over to Cheers by around 11:00 pm.

NV and I had a great time. We sang the duet Summer Lovin' from Grease. At the end of the song, when the guy sings "wonder what she's doing now," BarMan told NV to sing "wonder who she's doing now." I laughed and said "I don't even know anymore," although we all know that's not true.

Anyway, after a while NDN showed up with two of his friends. I insisted that one of them later sing the duet from Dirty Dancing with me. (I was in that kind of mood that night). At one point, NDN and his friends left to get food. I was up on stage singing some Belinda Carlisle song when I noticed my phone ringing. Of course, I couldn't answer it, as I was singing, but when I looked down at the screen to see who was calling, my heart jumped up into my throat-- it was Narc. Since I didn't answer, he left a message and as soon as I got through with my song, I went outside to hear it.

In his message Narc said that he wasn't far from Cheers. He wanted to know what I was up to. I called him back. (Why? Because I really wanted to. Guess I'm not "cured" yet).

"Hey Narc, it's me."

"Oh, hi," he said casually. "I'm already in a cab on my way back to Tribeca."

"Oh. Well, what were you doing around here?"

"Was at the train station. Believe it or not, I'm on my way home from a Lyle Lovett concert out on Long Island."

"Oh." I paused, unsure of what to say.

"So?" he waited. "What are you up to?"

"I don't know, Narc... I mean, wasn't I supposed to be 'taking my time?'"

"What do you mean?"

"Well... Like you said in your text on Tuesday-- I should take my time because I still haven't figured this all out and my head is fucked up from all of it, you know? I mean, I'm just still so emotional and stuff..."

(God damn it! Sometimes he makes me feel so inarticulate!)

"Oh. Well, if you're feeling all emotional and shit then we shouldn't see each other tonight," he replied.

Suddenly I felt desperate for him to stay on the phone with me.

"Wait! But, I don't know... I mean, you're right. But I don't know..."

"Well, I'm heading down to the Tavern," he said.

"I can't come down there. I'm hanging out with friends right now."

"Okay. Well, if you're with your friends, you should go back to them."

"Well, yeah."

"Maybe I'll give you a call and we can check in later," he offered.

"Um, well...yeah, okay."

We hung up.

I went back into Cheers, where I found NV waiting. Soon enough, NDN and his friends returned as well. I told them all about my brief exhange with Narc. Everyone agreed that I shouldn't call him again. We were all fairly drunk at that point. NDN told me to turn my phone over to him. I laughingly refused and put the phone inside my bra instead. Part of me just desperately wanted to see Narc.

Just after 1:00 am everyone (except for me) decided to head home. After all--they all had to get up for work the next day. I found a seat at the bar and ordered another drink. Before long, I noticed I had another missed call from Narc. Ever since the thing broke, it doesn't vibrate and I never hear it ring in the noisy bar! I went outside to hear what he had to say.

"Hyde, it's Narc. Give me a call back. Just found out a friend of mine died."

What??? Now I was concerned. I called him back right away.

"Narc, it's me. What's going on?"

"It's crazy," he said. "Remember my friend Sal? The bartender?"

"Yeah..."

"Well, he had a heart attack. He's dead."

(Sal is Narc's version of IrishBird or BarMan. He works at Narc's regular hangout--the place he's been going to for years).

"I just got here and they told me," he said. "It's totally depressing here. I can't stay. But I don't want to be alone tonight either."

"You can always come up here," I said.

"Really? But isn't Cheers closing soon?"

"I don't think so. Besides, if they do, we can always go over to Manchester."

"Cool. Then I'm on my way."

We hung up and I went back inside the bar. I finished my drink and told IrishBird that Narc was on his way up. She was upset.

"Oh, come on, Hyde!" she complained. "I don't want to see his face around here again. And you shouldn't see him either! Just don't do it!"

"Well, he's already coming," I answered. "And if that's how it's gonna be, I think you should just give me my check."

She handed me the check and I grabbed it from her hand. I was pissed off, and it was pretty clear. I guess she realized she really shouldn't be telling me who I can and can't bring into the bar because she backed off.

"You don't have to leave," she said, taking the check back.

"No, really, it's okay," I said. "I want to go. Just give me the check back."

I paid and left, calling Narc on my way out.

"Where are you?"

"One block north of Cheers," he replied.

"Stay there. I'll be right there."

When I got to Narc I gave him a big hug. He was kind of bewildered. No one remotely close to him had ever died before.

"Why didn't we stay at Cheers?" he asked.

"'Cause I was trying to avoid someone there," I told him. (I just didn't want to tell him it's because all of my friends can't stand the idea of him!)

"Who?"

"Just someone... Someone from before you..."

"Whatever, I don't care," he said.

We walked over to Manchester and hung out there for a few hours. He was drinking doubles. I don't remember much of the conversation, as I was already pretty drunk myself. But I wasn't drunk enough to let everything go completely to hell. I asked where he was planning on sleeping--my place or his.

"I don't know. We'll see," he told me.

"Well, I don't know if it's such a good idea if you sleep with me," I said. "Remember--I'm still confused."

"I don't get it!" he exclaimed.

"Get what?"

"What you're so confused about! There's nothing confusing. I have been so clear and so consistent about us not being together."

"Clear and consistent?" I demanded. "Then why would you say that you love me? Why have you been telling me that you love me since October? What? Are you just a fucking liar?"

"No. Those weren't lies."

"Oh course they were."

"Hyde! You know that I love you!" he protested.

"Huh?"

"I DO love you. I HAVE loved you and I STILL love you," he said.

"Then why are you so insistent about us not being 'together?'"

"Because! It's just not a good idea. We're bad for each other. I've told you that before too."

"But how do you know that?"

"Look-- Don't you think I've thought long and hard about all of this?" he asked me.

"I guess so... And?"

"And? We're just BAD for each other. Hyde, you know that! If we were in a relationship we wouldn't do anything except hang out and drink. Maybe we'd do some drugs. And then we would just drink some more."

"I don't think so." I frowned. "That's not fair."

"I think it's true though," he said.

"Well, I don't."

In the end, though, what I have to accept is that my opinion here doesn't matter. He has made up his mind, and it's been made up since December. Suddenly, everything is completely clear to me. All of the times he's referred to me having some kind of "sickness," and what he said back in December about my life being "shit" all fits together. No matter how much he loves me, or what kind of energy there is between us, or how much he needs me, he has made some kind of "rational" decision that I'm not "relationship material." Now, no matter what has happened or how I behave, he's sticking to his guns. Everything that he's done is falling into place. It's not fair, but it finally makes sense.

FRIDAY:

The next thing I remember, it was 11:30 am and my phone was ringing. The answering machine went off before I could make sense of where I was, what time it was, or grab the receiver. It was Buke wondering if I would still be meeting him for lunch. Shit! I rolled off of Narc and grabbed the phone. I told Buke (who was mid-message) that I was hung-over and that I couldn't make it to lunch.

"Maybe we can get together after your meeting?" I suggested.

"Sure. I'll call you when I'm out."

(I hope he wasn't too annoyed!)

In the meanwhile, the ringing and conversation woke Narc up. He started to kiss me and we screwed around for an hour or so. He was being SO sweet-- kissing me and cradling me. I was so happy in the moment. (I can't help it that when I'm with him I'm in love, even though I hate all of this when we're apart). After a while, he went back to sleep and I got up to freshen up. I walked into the living room and it looked like a war zone. The dining room table was pushed to the other side of the room; one of the kitchen stools was overturned; clothes were strewn all across the room on the floor; bottles of liquor and an empty can of Red Bull were on the counter along with a half-filled ashtray. The bottom line--the room was trashed, and I don't remember ANY of it happening. Oh well! I straightened up a little, washed up and then climbed back into bed with Narc.

I fell back asleep for a bit before the phone rang again. This time it was my cell phone. I missed the call and went to check my voice mail. Before I could get to the new message, I had to pass through one message "marked for deletion." Of course, it was one of the million I have saved from Narc and he could hear himself through the receiver.

"You should erase that message already," he laughed. (After all, it was probably recorded three or four months ago by now.)

"No. I have them all saved," I said.

He didn't answer, but instead gave me a strange look. I didn't care. I wanted him to know how much all of this effects me.

We stayed in bed and had sex for a few more hours, finally getting up at around 3:30 in the afternoon. I called Buke back to find out what he was up to. As he was only a few blocks from my place, I told him to wait for me in my lobby. In the meanwhile, Narc and I got dressed and he looked up the address for the funeral home. Narc had cat-hair all over his pants because they had been left on the floor, and apparently my cat had made a bed of them. I couldn't find a lint brush, so I took a roll of scotch tape and spent 15 minutes cleaning them off for him. He wanted to drink a breakfast shake out of my fridge, but I told him they were all expired (along with almost everything else in my kitchen!). He drank it anyway, and it made me nervous.

Out in the hallway, waiting for the elevator, I felt really uncomfortable. There was a long and awkward silence. Finally, I spoke.

"I'm really sorry about your friend," I said.

As soon as I said it, I felt stupid. It was an odd thing to have said at that moment. Narc kind of laughed. It was a sort of half-laugh.

"Thanks, sweetheart," he said.

We didn't talk in the elevator because other people got in on the 16th floor. As we exited into the lobby, I saw Buke sitting in one of the oversized chairs. He had never seen Narc before, so he didn't realize that I wasn't alone.

"Hyde!" he called out.

I rushed over to give him a hug. Narc kept walking towards the door. He didn't skip a beat.

"I guess I'll see you," he said, as he went.

"Wait!" I turned and indicated for Narc to stay where he was while I finished hugging Buke. Then I went over and gave Narc a hug goodbye.

He laughed awkwardly. Then he left.

Buke and I headed up to a diner a few blocks North. It's literally been months since I've seen him or spoken to him, so it was kind of a strange encounter. We mostly talked about his most recent breakup. And of course--he was curious about Narc.

"That's him? THAT'S him?" he kept saying. "But he looks like such a nice guy!"

"What did you THINK he was going to look like?" I asked. "I mean, come on... He is a good person. It's not like I'm dating the devil!"

I thought it was strange that Buke thought he was going to exude "asshole-ness." Anyway, Buke was sweet and paid for my lunch. After that, we shared a cab across town. He was heading to Penn Station and I was going to meet Contessa near her firm's New York office.

Contessa and I settled in at a charming Italian/Portuguese restaurant for dinner. As I had just eaten lunch, I couldn't eat much. We had a great time though. We talked about her boyfriend and her overly involved parents for a while. Then we bonded over our shared frustration with Anxious. Contessa told me she's just about ready to "cut off" Anxious as a friend. I wish I could be that bold about people who make me feel shitty. It was cool to be able to mutually blow off steam that way though. Contessa told me to try to think about Narc the way she's been thinking about Anxious--if he's not making me feel good about myself, I shouldn't be wasting my time with him. I'm trying to hold on to that, but I still feel so conflicted.

When I got back from dinner, I just needed to relax. I called Sunshine and we talked for a while, which was really nice, especially as she's not continuing her blog right now. After that I went over to see NDN. By that time, I was actually getting hungry again and NDN fed me a pepper steak and some vegetables. I updated him on everything that had happened with Narc. By midnight I was exhausted and dropped off to bed.

SATURDAY:

The next morning I had to wake up early to meet NiS and his friends for a trip to Jones Beach in celebration of NiS's birthday. I left the house at around 9:00 am and went to the supermarket to buy sunscreen, soda, chips and beer. Then I met NDN and we headed to Penn Station together. Getting there proved to be slightly chaotic, as we couldn't find NiS at the train station, and it was nearly time for the train to depart. To make matters worse, I didn't have cellular reception in the station. Finally, we bumped into NiS randomly in the crowd and raced to the platform along with his girlfriend and his friend Rebecca.

Making matters even worse, once on the train, I couldn't find the ticket I had purchased in advance. I had to do a little "smooth talking" (a la NDN) to get out of paying for the ticket again. Hammer called and I talked to her for a little while on the train, filling her in on the most recent chapter of the Narc story. An hour later, we had arrived in Freeport.

NiS's friend Josh was supposed to come pick us up at the train station, but again, there was some wrinkle in the plans. After waiting 20 minutes, it was confirmed that no one was coming to get us. No matter. We got on the public bus and were able to use our city metrocards to pay. It was a perfect day for the beach-- sunny, but breezy and so nice to be out by the water!

We finally met up with Josh who had been reserving a grill and had a 16 pound of a bluefish (caught by his friend). Lighting the barbeque proved to be difficult, but once it was done, the bluefish and grilled vegetables were delicious. NDN had brought along a bottle of gin which no one else seemed to be drinking except for me. By 6:00 that evening, I had polished the entire bottle off along with a few beers. Oops!

After lunch we moved from the BBQ area down onto the beach. There I was embarassed by talking too loudly to NDN about some insane porn video Buke had described to me the previous afternoon. I was overheard by some of NiS's other guests and I'm sure they all got the strangest impression of me. (And they certainly think I have no shame!) By mid-afternoon I was pretty drunk off the gin and I decided I wanted to run into the sea. I was wearing jean capris, but dashed into the water anyway. It was beautiful and I had a great time. Making things even better, GoldenFinch appeared! She arrived while I was in the bathroom (the walk there, might I add, felt like 40 years of crossing the desert!). Her husband came too, and I was glad to see both of them!

We all stayed at the beach until dark, so it must have been after 8:00 when we left. NiS's girlfriend made a yummy birthday cake which we all enjoyed before piling into cars back to the train station. GoldenFinch and her husband dropped off me and NDN. We didn't get back to our place until at least 10:30 or so though, and I had a headache, as all of the alcohol had completely worn off and left me with a bit of a same-day-hang-over.

Before doing anything else, I had to stop by Cheers to leave a birthday present for ThursdayGirl (it was also her birthday on Saturday) and then I came back home to shower and change. Dan had invited me to a party at his friend's place in Brooklyn, but I was feeling really exhausted. I asked NDN if he wanted to come to Brooklyn with me, and he drank two cans of Red Bull in preparation. At that point, he had a lot more energy than I did. While I verged on telling Dan I couldn't make it, NDN convinced me to stick to the original plan. In the end, I mustered up all of my remaining energy and set off for Brooklyn just after midnight.

When we got there, we could hear the party going on from the street, and the front door was wide open. We walked in and up a flight of stairs to the second floor of a townhouse. There were a few people in the kitchen and another handful of people dancing in the living room. I scanned the crowd for Dan but didn't see him. I wasn't even sure we were in the right place.

"Do you know Dan?" I asked the guy standing nearest to me.

"No, I don't know any Dan," he replied.

I turned to consult with NDN. Neither of us could tell if we were at the right party. I asked a few more people, and finally one dancing girl said that she knew Dan and that we were, indeed, at the right party. I couldn't figure out where he was though. I sent him a text that we had arrived, but I didn't hear back from him right away. Without much else to do, and not knowing anyone there, we decided to head back home.

Leaving the party, out on the stoop, we passed two guys smoking cigarettes.

"If either of you knows Dan, could you just tell him that Hyde was here?" I asked.

They suggested we try the roof. At that very moment, I got a return text from Dan. Indeed, he was on the roof.

The roof setup is typical of NY brownstones--the type you have to climb up a ladder to get to. I tore my jeans on the way up, and was pretty aggravated. (They're one of my favorite pair!) Anyway, at least we finally found Dan!

Dan introduced me around to a bunch of his friends. It was very cool to get to meet them and they all seemed like really nice people. I'm only sorry that I didn't have more energy and wasn't in a crazy festive mood. (Maybe next time!) We hung out on the roof for a while, but I found it a little dizzying. Later we headed back down into the kitchen to get drinks. Dan's friend Mike gave me a copy of his demo CD, and while I haven't finished listening to the whole thing, it has a very cool sound. I'm impressed. I started to get really tired by around 2:30 am and knew I had to get up early the next day, so I had to cut out of the party before I really wanted to. Back at home, I fell asleep almost immediately. (I guess with the whole day spent at the beach, the sun really "sapped my strength!")

SUNDAY:

On Sunday morning, BigSis and Bro-in-Law picked me up at around 9:30 am to head out to Long Island. I hadn't seen my stepbrother in about two weeks, so I was anxious to see him again. When I got there, BigSis' in-laws, along with LilSis and JBC were already there, and my brother was sitting next to LilSis on the couch! It's the first time I've seen him out of his bed or wheelchair. He was talking a little more than usual (mostly just saying "yes" and "no") but he was really groggy. (I think it's from a new medication). He did say all of our names, though, and it was great to hear him say my name! Later, he actually partially walked 10 feet from his bed to the wheelchair! It's the first time I've seen him upright! I forgot how tall he is. The nurses held him on either side and said "move your foot!" and he would move the left foot a step forward. The right foot is on the partially paralyzed side, so they sort of pushed that leg and he dragged it forward. (They think he's going to be able to get movement back there, it's just really hard for his brain to do right now). Anyway, he was so proud of himself and gave all of us hugs while he was standing upright. It was an incredible moment!

After that, we left the hospital and headed over to my mom's house to sit by the pool and grill some food. While everyone was outside, I took advantage of the opportunity and sang and played piano up in the house. (Since the piano is in the middle of the house, usually I piss everyone off when I play or sing too loudly!) My mom has the piano in a really resonant place now and it's amazing to sing there. I don't have a lot of sheet music at her place anymore, but I did find the full scores to Boheme and Rigoletto, so I sang a lot from those. Later I joined everyone outside. My sister's niece and nephew were there too. They are SO adorable and always make me happy. JBC had a few friends come by as well. His friends are strange, but that's another story for another day.

One of the best parts of the day--my stepfather was actually in a good mood! Ever since the accident, he's been either a zombie or a grouch. But he was happy yesterday! He has a fantasy of building a waterfall to lead into the pool and was happily working on it all afternoon. Later, he enthusiastically showed me around the garden. He has some amazing things growing--peaches, plums, pears, zucchini, cucumber, tomatoes, lettuce, walnuts, and more. He's so proud of that garden. I LOVED seeing him happy and full of life like that again.

BigSis, Bro-in-Law and I headed back to the city at around 8:30. By the time I got home I was entirely exhausted from the long weekend. I fiddled around with my fucked up computer for a while and then went to bed. (Damn it! The computer is running SO slow!)

TODAY:

Today I met B for lunch up near Hunter. Then I headed over to a voice lesson. My voice teacher "doesn't believe" in air conditioning, so the lesson was slightly torture. But again, my voice was really strong and resonant, and my teacher gave me a lot of praise. All of that is going amazingly well considering all of the shit I put my body through. When I got home I watched Dr. Phil and then took my dress over to the tailor. I'm going to be a bridesmaid at a friend's wedding out in San Francisco in two weeks and I'm really cutting it close with the fitting. They said I should have the dress back by Friday though.

Anyway, I guess that's it for now. I feel like I'm so busy that this blog is becoming all "events" and very little reflection. But maybe it's better that way for the time being. After all, I don't want to dwell too much on overanalyzing Narc, and I just have some more waiting to do before I can "fall out of love" with him.

I hope the heat lets up (I hate the summer!) and I hope I can get my computer fixed soon.

Hope you're all well!

Until next time...

Culture and Continuity

Well, here I am, still rolling along... All of what has happened with Narc has left me with a confused knot in my stomach-- a sort of anxiety that I can't rid myself of because I know that the only cure is time.

As such, I've been trying to keep busy with other things--non drinking/non-Narc things, and for the most part, I've been successful. I haven't drank since Saturday night and I haven't Narc'd since the text exchange that I posted here.

What have I been doing? Well, for one, the fabulous festival that they have going over at the Film Forum--Paramount Before the Code has been a source of pure pleasure and sheer entertainment over the past week. They're showing Paramount movies made in the early '30s--before the Hays code went into effect. As such, the movies are full of all sorts of scandal--rape, illegal drugs, premarital sex all around, gangsters, show girls, etc. Too bad it ends this week! I've been three times already, and I've seen six films (as they're all double features).

• Friday Night:
  Jekyll and Hyde (I went with Bezoukhoff) starring Frederic March and Miriam Hopkins
  The Story of Temple Drake again, starring Miriam Hopkins (with Jack La Rue as a remarkably memorable villain!)
• Tuesday:
  Kick In starring Clara Bow
  Two Kinds of Women starring Miriam Hopkins and Phillips Holmes
• Wednesday:
  A Farewell to Arms starring Gary Cooper and Helen Hayes
  Morocco starring Gary Cooper and Marlene Dietrich

All of them had fabulous moments-- Jekyll and Hyde was spectacle all the way with some really strange camera angles and a brutal sexual murder scene. Temple Drake had a motley crew of bootleggers, several suggested-rape scenes and a villain who never took his cigarette out of his mouth. In the end, the blonde-curled Temple behaved as a good southern belle should and stood behind her family name ("even though" as the lawyer interrogating her pointed out, "she's a woman"). Kick In was probably my least favorite, although it was fun to hear 1930's gangster slang and see the early Hollywood depiction of a heroin addict. Two Kinds of Women had a great premise--a conservative Senator from South Dakota travels to New York City to debate whether New Yorkers represent Americans in general. Of course, it got a lot of laughs from a NY audience. The senator's daughter, fascinated by NY glamour, convinces her father to let her come along and of course gets swept of her feet by a rich playboy and caught up in a scandal caused by his alcoholic ultra-wealthy glamorous, lazy and cynical New York friends. Most of you probably already know the story of Hemmingway's A Farewell to Arms. The movie was sweet and melodramatic, but my favorite scene came at the end. Set to the overture of Tristan and Isolde (presented even slower and more drawn out than a Bernstein interpretation!), Helen Hayes slowly and nobly dies, promising Gary Cooper that she'll love him for eternity. As she goes, the Liebestod music swells to a climax, he lifts her dead body out of the hospital bed, and holding her in his arms, standing before the window with the sun streaming through he cries out "Peace!" Of course, at that very moment, bells ring everywhere and doves are released because the cruel war-torn world has finally reached an Armistice. And last but not least, Marlene Dietrich steals the show in Morocco. At the start of the movie, she is cool, composed and in control. Just one look from her causes every man in the room to drop to his knees. She kisses a woman on screen and asks a nightclub audience how much they're willing to pay for her "apples." Unfortunately for her, she is driven mad by love for the lowly but charming lady-killer Gary Cooper (although I'll never understand why she chooses him over her rich and sweet fiancee, Adolph Menjou) and she wildly and passionately sets off barefoot to follow Cooper through the African desert without a sole possession. There are two Mae West movies playing tonight--the last night of the festival, but I'm kind of exhausted today, so I haven't decided yet whether or not I want to go. Overall though, it has been such a treat. I LOVE old movies!

I've also taken some measures to restore my health. I finally went back to see my endocrinologist on Tuesday who fortified my resolve not to kill myself via my lifestyle. For the past two days I've been a good girl about taking my medicine (and by that I don't mean the illegal kind, but rather the prescribed kind). The bad news--maybe it was a bad reaction, or maybe it's Narc boiling in my blood, but I spent Wednesday morning vomiting for no apparent reason. I had been awake for a few hours that morning and had not yet eaten anything, so I really don't know what brought it on. (All I can say is thank God I know it's not morning sickness!)

I'm glad it subsided though, because I had plans to meet Dan for lunch and a trip to the Museum of Modern Art. I hadn't been to MoMA since before the renovations, and I've heard mixed reviews (although for the most part negative) about the way they rearranged the exhibits. I was anxious to see it all for myself.

Dan and I met over at Ariyoshi--a small Japanese joint in our neighborhood. After lunch (which was quite delicious!) we headed across town to the museum. I wasn't aware (until Dan told me) that I had free access to the museum with my student ID--a fact that I won't forget in the future. First we toured the sculpture garden. The sun was beating down on us and interesting characters abounded. Then we headed inside to the painting and sculpture galleries.

I have to say, I found the new arrangement awkward. It isn't quite chronological (as it used to be). Instead, it was organized by movement (Expressionism in one room, Futurism in another, Fauvism in another, etc). But because of the layout, we found ourselves backtracking through rooms we had already visited in order not to miss something on the other side. For example, leaving the Expressionists, we were forced to choose between the Fauves and the Cubists. We went left and saw the Fauves first, but then had to go back through Expressionism to see the early Cubist stuff. I wasn't happy about that!

I've already seen the painting and sculpture collection on many occasions, so there were no big surprises. What did surprise me was the Architecture and design gallery which I had never taken the time to visit before. It was fabulous to see every day objects taken out of their "functional" context. There were a lot of pieces from the Bauhaus and a lot of Constructivst work. I wasn't aware the museum had all that in their collection. We also perused through the drawings and photography, albeit without as much depth. By 5:15, I was fairly exhausted and besides, we had to get going if we were going to get dinner and make it to the movies in time.

We headed down to Houston street and bought our tickets in advance. Then we settled in for an Italian dinner not far from Hammer's house. (Speaking of which, I miss her!!!) We cabbed back uptown and said goodnight.

After I settled in at home, I got a call from an old friend who I haven't spoken to in quite some time--Anxious' ex-boyfriend, Buke. I've known him for about nine years--they dated for eight years and broke up last year. He and I have always been pretty good friends and stayed friends through their breakup. Even so, we fell out of touch over the past six months. You guys all know that I've been going through emotional chaos since December or so, and to some extent, so has he. As such, we just weren't connecting. He has always been sensitive about calling him back right away, etc. and when I didn't call him promptly enough, he stopped talking to me. He made an effort to get in touch again in late April/early May, but I was consumed with Narc issues and didn't have the energy to "work" on our friendship. Anyway, I guess he thought it was worth it to try again, because he called me last night and caught me by surprise. I'm glad he called because I missed talking to him, and it was good to catch up (although much of what I had to report was drama and bad news). Anyway, he lives out on Long Island but is going to be in the city tomorrow, so we made plans for lunch. Then I have plans to meet Contessa for dinner--it'll be a day of old college friends!

Today I had lunch with NDN at Maharaja before heading over to my voice lesson. The lesson went well and I easily warmed up to a high "F." The guy whose lesson comes after mine got there a little early and told me that my "loft voice" sounded great. It made me feel really good about things. Even better, I was listening to cheesy Elvis gospel, so on the way home, the whole world seemed to be on my side.

I've got plans to meet my friend NV tonight, and since I've held off drinking since Saturday, I'm going to give myself a "pass" tonight if I want it. The only caveat is this persistent knot in my stomach named Narc. I can't seem to stop thinking of him. But I can't really think about him either because I just don't know what to think. So it simply manifests as anxiety.

Anyway, hope you're all well and I'll update again soon!

Hyde

And the Follow Up...

Hanging out at home with B tonight and got an answer (via text) from Narc...
Here's what he said. It's pretty plain and simple--

Take whatever time you need to figure it out. (10:11 pm)

I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT HE WANTS OR WHAT HE'S LOOKING FOR!!!

Needless to say, I haven't responded.

Just Friends?

More texts:

From Narc (at 9:08 PM):

Having a drink at Yaffa's if you want to come chat (as friends! No more sex for us). Just feels a bit dumb, drinking alone.

Hyde's reply (at 9:42 PM):

Busy right now. Besides, maybe it's best for me to take a day or 2 to clear my mind & process. Still need to sort through my feelings on all this. Talk to you soon.

I'm too exhausted to think this through tonight. Tomorrow is another day...

The Super Slip-Up: Explained

So I guess I have a bit of a story to tell, and some explaining to do...

On Friday, Bezoukhoff and I went to see a double feature at the Film Forum-- two fabulous movies from the early '30s which I'll have to tell you all about in a post to follow. After that, it was home and to bed for me at a relatively decent hour. At least I tried to make it a decent hour, but I had a lot of difficulty sleeping. I laid in bed for hours on end trying to fall asleep, but I didn't cave and go out to the bar or anything, so I consider it a relative success.

Saturday morning came and I hung out at home for the most part being lazy. I didn't want to go out and do anything, but I didn't feel like cleaning up the pig-sty/hell-hole that my apartment has become either. After talking to B for a while, I settled in to watch Dr. Strangelove. I had plans to go to Anxious' party later that night. She wanted me to come over early to get dinner and for a little tour of her neighborhood. (She recently moved to Park Slope in Brooklyn.) I REALLY didn't want to go though. You all know that Anxious and I haven't been "clicking"very well lately, and I didn't want to be there any longer than necessary. On the other hand two of my good friends from college, GoldenFinch and Contessa were going to be there in advance, and they both wanted to see me. Both of them called me several times that afternoon and asked me if I would come to the party early just to get some extra time in to talk. As such, I agreed to be there at around 7:00--a good two hours before the party "officially" started. I thought that should be enough to do the trick.

I got dressed and was ready to leave my house by around 6:15. I wanted to stop in at Cheers for a drink or two before being on my way. When I got there, they were closed, but I went in anyway. My Super was there fixing a light and BarMan and ThursdayGirl were hanging out with BarMan's roommate at the end of the bar. One of the Colombians was setting up.

"We're closed!" BarMan called out to me.

"Yeah, I know," I said. "I'll just use the ATM and be out of here."

Much to my dismay, my bank account was on empty. (I'm still waiting for a check to clear.)

They all asked where I was off to and I told them about Anxious' party in Brooklyn.

"Maybe I'll be back later," I said, laughing.

I said goodbye to the whole crew and set off for the Manchester instead.

When I got to Manchester, Sean Duffy and Maeve were both on duty. I said my hello's and ordered a Jack and Diet. I started to think about the Stallion. Actually, he had sort of been on my mind all afternoon. I still hadn't responded to his several attempts to contact me. I mean, I don't really feel like hanging out with him-- I feel like sex with him right now would complicate things beyond what I can presently handle, but at the same time, I don't want to burn that bridge either. It had been a week since he left that note with the doorman and he had since stopped by Cheers TWICE looking for me. If I didn't get in touch with him soon, it would just be uncomfortable to call him down the line. I decided to just make the call and to try to avoid making a concrete plan. I pulled that note out of my wallet and dialed his home number. His mother answered the phone.

"Um, hello. May I please speak with the Stallion?"

"Who's calling?"

"This is his friend, Hyde."

"Who???"

"His friend. HYDE," I said a bit louder.

Just then the Stallion picked up.

"Mom, I got it. You can hang up-- I got it."

Our conversation started out a bit awkwardly. The Stallion wanted to know everything I've been up to since I saw him last.

"Oh, well... I don't know," I said. "I haven't seen you in a while! Not since early May. Things have been chaotic. Kind of too much to go into."

"Like what, Hyde? What's been going on? I want to know what's happening with you!"

"Well... It's a lot. I don't think you really want to know."

"No, really! I do."

"All right... Here it goes..."

I proceeded to update the Stallion on all of the comings and goings between me and Narc over the past two months.

"Damn it, Hyde! Why didn't you call me when you were going through all that?" he asked.

I thought that was the strangest response possible. Just what kind of relationship does he think we have? I can't IMAGINE going to the Stallion for any kind of emotional support. Another odd part of the conversation-- when I told him that Narc kicked me out of his house for the Exhibitionist, the Stallion got upset.

"I can't believe he did that!" he said. "That guy just doesn't respect you at all. He's no good."

I thought it was amusing because the Stallion is cheating on his girlfriend by being with me, but at the same time he was morally condemning Narc. Weird...

Anyway, after two drinks and the phone call, I was ready to head to Brooklyn. The Stallion wanted to get together that night, but I told him I had to go to Anxious' party. Since he doesn't have a working cell phone and I can't call his mom's house late, there was no realistic way to arrange meeting up after the party. I think it's all for the best, but he was really adamant about meeting up soon, so we'll see how all of that goes...

When I got to Anxious' neighborhood, she, GoldenFinch, Contessa and Contessa's boyfriend were heading out to dinner. We went to a little sandwich joint. It was a nice dinner, but Anxious was getting on my nerves. I can't help it. She just rubs me the wrong way. On the way back to her apartment, she stopped at the supermarket and the rest of us stopped off for ice cream. GoldenFinch bought me a chocolate covered frozen banana on a stick, which I have to say, was a little embarassing to eat while walking down a busy street. Back at Anxious' apartment, Bezoukhoff met us. We met Anxious' roomate and they put up tiki lamps in the garden area behind the apartment. It was a nice set up. The party was fun--pretty mellow, just a lot of people sitting around talking and drinking. I didn't drink all that much. In addition to the two drinks I had before arrival, I only had three additional glasses of whiskey and all of that over a six-seven hour period. For most of the party I hung out with Bezoukhoff, Contessa and her boyfriend, and my friend NiS and his girlfriend, who came at my invitation. It was so nice to hang out with old friends. I miss having those girls around, and I miss being able to burst into song with my friends the way I could with my old choir friends. Anxious, GoldenFinch, Contessa and I couldn't resist and did a once through of "Lift Thine Eyes," one of our old favorites.

It was also strange to see BulgarianGuy out of the context of Cheers. He's a good guy, but there is inevitably a level of awkwardness there as I slept with him last year and now he's dating my friend. But, whatever...

At around 1:00 am, I started to feel really crappy. My head hurt, I was incredibly cranky and I was very tired. I swear it was alcohol related. I'm just not capable of drinking a little bit. It HAS to be all or nothing. And the strange thing is that it felt like I was having blood-sugar crashing symptoms. I've been doing some reading online, and will return to this subject at the end of the post. The bottom line is that I felt so shitty and tired that I just wanted to go home and go to sleep.

"What? Hyde leaving a party at 1:00 am!!!" Anxious demanded.

"Yeah, well, I'm not feeling well," I said.

I called a car service to get back to the city and Bezoukhoff waited with me outside until the car arrived. During the ride back I was pretty much falling asleep. I was in a strange mood though-- "not peaceful" is the only way I can describe it. I felt frustrated and pissed off, and I KNEW that if I went out and drank some more I would feel a million times better. I debated in my head what to do, knowing that what I SHOULD do and what I WANTED to do once again couldn't be farther apart. (Yes, once again, Jekyll and Hyde duking it out.) Well, my Hyde is almost always stronger than my Jekyll and when I got dropped on my corner I stopped over at Cheers.

Karaoke was going strong and I saw BarMan and ThursdayGirl at the back of the bar. I took a seat near the back and found that I was sitting next to FightingMensch's older brother, Kevin. Liu and I had hung out with him and FightingMensch back in December. At that time, Kevin had just returned from Iraq. I reintroduced myself and reminded him of that night. After that, we chatted for a while and I was glad because it saved me from a sleazy drunk guy to my right who kept asking me to dance. That guy said he was from California and seemed annoyed that I wasn't willing to make his NY vacation all that he "dreamed" it would be. Too bad!

Anyway, I also saw the Elvis guy there who I had exchanged numbers with on Thursday night. I was embarassed to see him because I KNOW how drunk I was on Thursday, but he was really friendly and came up and gave me a hug hello. We hung out and talked for a bit. He told me that he just moved to the city from South Carolina and he called himself a "karaoke whore." I thought it was funny. BarMan, by the way, was REALLY drunk. He wasn't there working, but rather, he and ThursdayGirl had gone to the theater and had stopped by Cheers to cap off the night. He kept hugging me and putting his arm around me as if we were best friends. It was highly entertaining.

"For once, you're drunker than I am!" I told him.

"I don't know, Hyde," he said. "I mean, there's a lot of people that come in here, but you, Hyde... You drink A LOT. I mean, A LOT."

"Well, not as much as you tonight," I said. "But don't worry... No judgements!" (BarMan always says that to me.)

He laughed when I said that.

Later he came to say goodbye and gave me a huge hug and a kiss. I probably would have been thrilled a few months back when I had a crush on him, but I'm definitely over that. He didn't leave at that point, but instead gave me the same hug and kiss goodbye several more times before he was finally on his way.

At around 3:45 the place cleared out. PumpedUp, IrishBird and I were the only ones left there. IrishBird sat me down at a table with her.

"I thought you weren't drinking anymore, Hyde," she said, concern in her eyes.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you said on Thursday that you went to that AA meeting."

"I told you guys that?"

"Yeah, you don't remember?"

"No, I don't. But you're right. I shouldn't be drinking. And I DID go to AA. And I probably need to go back."

PumpedUp overheard and laughed.

"No, Hyde, don't go to AA!" he said. "We need you around here!" He made some other kind of joke, but I really don't remember it right now.

I talked to IrishBird seriously for a little while longer and the whole thing just totally brought me down. By the time I headed back to my place I felt depressed and like a failure again, only worse, because I was drunk.

I came home, washed off my makeup and collapsed into bed. I started to think...about what, it's hard to say. It was kind of like I was thinking of everything (and nothing) all at once. My mind was spinning with all that has happened and all of the concomitant pressures.

I suddently wanted to call Narc. I don't really know why. I guess I just wanted to know that I still COULD call him if I wanted to. I didn't think he would pick up. I guess I just wanted to hear his voice on the machine. I called him from my home phone because I know that my home number is blocked by caller I.D., and I called him on his home phone so there would be less of a chance he'd pick up. (After all, either he would be out and have his cell, or he'd be asleep at home with the ringer off). I was SHOCKED when he answered the phone. At first I didn't say anything. There was silence for a few seconds.

"Hello? Hello?" he repeated. "Is anyone there?"

"Um, hi..." I meekly replied. "It's me..."

"Hyde?" He feigned surprise, but really... at that hour, who else would it be? "What's up?" he asked.

He was acting all casual, so I responsded in kind.

"Just thought I'd call and see what you're up to," I said. "So? What's going on?"

"Just hanging out... Drinking some wine," he said.

We talked for about 15 minutes. I really don't remember about what. Narc told me that he was watching some movie on TV and that there was a scene in which the characters were doing some coke.

"Damn, it's making me crave that stuff," he said. "I wish I had some here."

"Well, I still have some," I said. "I could always bring it down."

"Do you think that's a good idea?" he asked.

"I don't know, Narc." (What was I saying? I DID know!) "It's DEFINITELY not a good idea for us to hook up, I know that. But we could always just hang out. It doesn't have to mean sex." (What was I THINKING?)

"That's true," he said. "And I would really love to see you."

"Me too," I said. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too," he said. "A lot."

"Okay, well give me 15 minutes and I'll be right there."

I threw on my jogging pants and a T-shirt and put on a little makeup as fast as I possibly could. Then I took the coke and a razor, wrapped them in an envelope and stuffed it in my bra. I checked to make sure that the cat had food and dashed out the door.

When I got to Narc's house, it was weird. I haven't been there in three weeks or so. He answered the door and he looked different. He cut his hair and looked like he lost 10 pounds. Damn it! I've been steadily putting on weight, I think because of all of the emotional stress, and suddenly I felt worse about it, but whatever. At least he didn't answer the door naked. I told him that he looked good.

"I became a vegetarian," he said.

"What? Since when?"

"For about two weeks. But I think it's really good for me."

"What made you decide to do that?" I asked.

He went on to tell me some strange story about a "vision" he had in which an angel told him to be a vegetarian. (What the fuck?)

"Maybe I need an angel to come tell me to stop drinking," I laughed.

I asked him what he had been up to that night.

"Hanging out with CouchSleeper and James," he said. "But we headed back at around midnight. I've just been hanging out drinking wine since then."

"Yeah, I was surprised that you were up."

I sat down next to him on the couch and cut up the coke. We mostly talked about neutral stuff. I told him about my upcoming trip to Argentina with NDN and he told me that I have to visit the waterfalls in Iguazu. He called it the "heart chakra of the world." (Okay... I'm not quite sure that that means.) I have no patience for that kind of thing, so I just smiled and nodded. He told me that he's planning a six week tour of Europe and that he might leave as early as the beginning of August. Either that, or he's going to put it off until late September. He asked if I noticed that he had gotten a little sun-tan.

"Yeah, you got some color," I said. "Been spending time at the beach?"

"Uh huh. I went to Sandy Hook last week with the Exhibitionist."

"I know," I said. "I saw it on your blog."

"Really?" He smiled. "I think you're the only one who even reads that thing."

"Well, I've checked it once or twice," I said. "But if you don't want me to, I won't read it anymore."

"No, don't worry about it!" he said. "I don't put anything up there that I'm not okay with the general public knowing about."

"Oh, okay."

We stayed up talking for a few hours. Finally, at around 8:00 am, I started to feel a comedown from the coke and there was no more left. I wanted to go to bed.

"I think I've got to turn in soon, Narc," I said.

"But we still have so much wine left!" he protested.

Sitting on the coffee table was half of an enormous jug of wine. There was NO WAY I was going to be able consume any more of that, let alone finish off the bottle!

"I can't go there," I said. "I need to go to sleep. But it's fine, if you want to stay up. I'll just go to sleep right here."

I laid down on the couch and positioned the pillows beneath my head.

"Don't sleep out here," he said. "Come sleep with me in the bedroom."

"But I thought we said we weren't going to do that," I said.

"We're not. You can leave your clothes on." (Gee, thanks.)

"Are you sure it'll be okay?" I asked. "I mean, I don't want to be stupid about things, you know?"

"Hyde, it's SO not a big deal. Just come in the bedroom with me. It'll be fine. I promise."

"Well, okay..."

I got into the bed first, keeping my clothes on. When Narc came out of the bathroom he stripped naked and got in the bed next to me. He pulled me in and held me so tightly and so closely. He started to stroke my hair.

"Hyde, I wanted to tell you something about that whole Exhibitionist thing," he said.

"No, please, Narc," I said. "I really don't want to go back there. There's no point. Let's just leave it alone."

"No, really, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry..." He paused, and I waited. "I mean, you were right about that. I shouldn't have done that. And I'm sorry."

I was dumbfounded. Honestly, that was the LAST thing I expected and I'm so glad that he said it. I don't think he's any different or that he's changed, but at least he has been thinking about things, about what happened between us, and at least on some level he knows that I wasn't being irrational about the whole thing. I don't think he would ever admit something like that in the light of day. But at that moment, in the dark, with him holding me again, I just felt love coming from him, and it was a moment that existed outside of reality. He never let go of me the entire night. Every time one of us tried to shift positions, he would hold me tighter so that we had to move together. It was like I was his teddy bear or something. And he seemed to need it so badly.

Remember, we didn't get into bed until a little after 8:00 am, and we were both a little coked up, so we only slept for a few hours. Around noon, in kind of a haze, I opened my eyes. I had a headache and Narc was kind of pressed into my side and masturbating. Well, I don't think I need to give you any more details, but one thing led to another and we spent the next few hours having sex. Both of us were exhausted though, and we both fell back asleep for a while more after all that. When I opened my eyes and finally felt alert and back to myself I reached for my cell phone to check the time. It was 4:15 pm. I nudged Narc.

"Hey, it's 4:15 already," I told him. "Guess we sort of slept the day away."

"Oh, shit!" he said. "I had a party to be at in Dobbs Ferry at 2:00!"

"Ooops..."

"Well, I guess I'll just call them in a little while," he said.

We had sex a few more times after that. He was so tender and hugging and kissing me gently all the while. Weird. I don't think I'll EVER be able to make complete sense of him. Anyway, after that, he got up and hopped in the shower. I laid around in bed. He called his friend and told him that he wasn't coming. At that point, based on the next train he could get there, he wouldn't have been able to be at the party until 7:00.

Narc and I hung out at his place for a while more, just talking casually. Neither of us addressed what had just happened between us. Now that we were wake we went back to the "rules" set the previous night-- no being physical or acting like there's a "relationship."

"I have a craving for Indian food," he said. "Wanna go get something to eat?"

"Yeah, okay. Let me just pack my stuff."

I looked a bit of a wreck, but there was no helping it. I was exhausted and the extreme humidity made it a waste to try to do anything with my hair. I put on some mascara and lipstick and we were off.

We walked over to Salaam Bombay on Greenwich Street. We ordered a few veggie dishes to share, and genuinely had a good time. For an hour or so, I almost forgot everything that had gone down between us. We were just two people having good conversation and sharing a meal.

Narc was telling me that he has been really lonely lately. He said that when he moved to NY he had hundreds of acquaintances-- people he partied with and who he could call up at a moment's notice to make plans. He let most of those relationships drop off because they weren't "genuine," and was left with handful of close friends. Most of those friends are in long term relationships now, though, and they aren't available to bum around on his schedule. As such, he's basically left with no one.

"I know it's a sign, though," he said. "One chapter is ending and another is beginning. Even with my work."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I'm pretty much done with the script-writing. I need to raise production money now and I know that once I start the shoot my life is going to be filled with all new people. I just need to find some good people. I think it'll be that way-- a new life when I get back from Europe."

It felt weird to be having that kind of conversation with him. I mean, there he was saying how he has no one to spend time with and no one genuine in his life, but he totally rejected having a relationship with me. It was hard for me to feel bad for him on that one. I asked him what has been going on with CouchSleeper and James lately. Narc told me that James is separating from his wife again.

"But didn't they just have a baby?" I asked.

"Yeah, but she's probably moving with the baby to San Francisco."

"What??? Isn't he upset that she's taking his baby to the other side of the country?"

"Well, she's crazy. He can't control what she does," Narc said.

"He can get a court order for visitation," I said.

"But she's so difficult," he said. "I don't think James will even bother."

What kind of people are these? I can't IMAGINE not being upset about my baby being taken away! Again, very strange...

After the meal Narc and I got up and there was an awkward pause. What was going to happen next? Would I leave and never see him again?

"So, I guess I'll get going," I said.

"I've got nothing to do," he quickly answered. "Want to go for a walk around the water?"

"Okay," I agreed. We headed West towards Battery Park.

The whole city was shrouded in gray. The fog was so thick that you couldn't see the tops of any of the buildings and the air hung heavily. My skin felt sticky. The water was murky and choppy although I didn't feel a breeze. I couldn't look away from it. We walked along, following the same path that we had taken that Monday night that he "kicked me out" for the Exhibitionist. God, by now, that's nearly a month ago! There were some long silences during our walk and I felt pressured to say something. It's because there was such a strangeness hovering between us. What was going on? Were we "friends," or was this the last time I would ever see him?

We swung around to the highway and started walking North back to his place. His cell phone beeped, letting him know that he had a message.

"Hold on. Let me just check my voice-mail."

I waited for him to finish.

"Holy shit! She's crazy!" he said, hanging up the phone.

"Who?" I asked.

"The Exhibitionist! I'm worried about her. It's like she's having some kind of nervous breakdown."

"That's terrible," I said. "What happened?"

"I don't know. She's just mad at me and now she's out of control. She just told me in that message that I could 'rot in hell!'"

"What??? Why is she so mad at you?"

"Well, last week or so we were having some talk. She was typically going on about why she hasn't found 'the one' and about how she's worried that she never will."

"And?"

"Well, I told her that the reason she hasn't found anyone is because she constantly goes after guys who aren't interested in her. After that, she flipped out and started screaming at me. She was like, 'You have no fucking clue! You don't know me at all, asshole!' and stuff like that. And then she stormed out."

"I guess you struck a sensitive spot," I said.

"Yeah, and then a few days later, she called me and she was like 'Fuck you, Narc! For your information I HAVE a boyfriend now!' Well, I told her there's no fucking way. I mean, no man in Manhattan goes out on ONE date with you and then calls himself your boyfriend!"

I laughed.

"And now this," he went on. "I guess she's having some kind of problem getting onto her website. She's all hysterical and telling me that if I fucked with her website I'm going to 'rot in hell.' Whatever..."

"I don't know, Narc," I began. "That seems like a REALLY strong reaction to your comment. Are you sure that's the only thing you did to piss her off?"

"Yeah, absolutely. Everything was totally fine, and then she flipped out."

"Well that doesn't make much sense," I said. "Has she behaved irrationally like this before?"

"I guess she's always been this way," he said. "Like once, a while back, we were out for drinks and she was telling me about some asshole guy she was seeing in NJ and I told her to stop hooking up with him. Because he wasn't that interested, you know? So she was like 'Don't worry--I would NEVER EVER!' Then, a little while later, she got up and left the bar. I thought she went to the bathroom or something, but after twenty minutes or so, she never came back. I called her cell and asked her where she was. She told me that she was on her way to NJ because she just had to see that guy. But she just left me there. It was so rude. I mean, you don't start the night with one guy and then ditch him for another!"

I thought of the time that Narc pressured me to ditch the Stallion for him in the same night. And when he ditched me for the Exhibitionist. Not worth bringing it up though. It just wasn't worth it.

It started to rain. We walked on.

"I don't know why I draw these people though," he went on.

"She sounds a little unstable," I said.

"Yeah. I mean, I guess it's a good thing I realized this about her-- that she's crazy and all, before anything more serious happened."

"More serious?" I asked. "I thought you guys were just friends."

"Yeah, well we are. Or, I guess were. She's just someone to go to the movies with and stuff," he said. "Now who do I have to call for that kind of thing? Absolutely no one."

Again, I thought it was an obnoxious comment to make, given that he has totally rejected the notion of spending time with me and was now absorbed in self-pity.

"How did you meet the Exhibitionist anyway?" I asked.

"Oh, online," he said, a bit embarassedly. "I have a really old profile up on Nerve and she sent me an invitation to chat."

"Oh..." I replied.

"Yeah, we went on one date a while back, but we were both like 'this doesn't work,' so we've just been friends since then."

"Oh, okay," I said. "But that's a lot of drama for 'just friends,' don't you think?"

He didn't really answer. By that time we had reached his street.

"So, are we going to get you home or what?" he asked.

"Definitely. I have some editing to do tonight," I told him.

I walked over to the corner to get a cab. Narc followed me.

"You don't have to wait with me," I said. "It's raining. I don't want you to get soaked."

"No, it's fine," he said. "It's only a little water."

Despite myself, I thought that was sweet. Narc hailed me the cab and opened the door for me. We didn't hug or anything and it was a really awkward moment.

"Bye," I said.

"Bye. We'll talk soon," he replied.

And with that, I shut the door and was off.

Back at my place, I tried to process what had happened. I hung out at NDN's for most of the evening and we watched two episodes of Family Guy. NDN made himself some linguini with white clam sauce. He was very proud of his clam sauce made from scratch! I was super tired and just coming down from all of the drugs and alcohol and was asleep by midnight.

This morning I met B for brunch at 59th street. After that, we went out for coffee and then I went over to my voice lesson. I did much better at this lesson (in terms of breathing) than I did last Thursday, so I'm pretty hopeful about getting back into shape fast. The weather is so muggy and disgusting, though, that I really just wanted to come home after that.

My final analysis on the Narc and Exhibitionist situation: They went on one date in late March, but she's not interested in him. (He's said to me in the past that she's a 'prude' and he constantly complains that she's always talking about some guy or another that she wants to get with.) There must be some sexual tension there though, and Narc definitely wants to get with her. I mean, that's clear from the amount of attention that he gives her and by the fact that he responds immediately to her every call. And besides, I just can't believe that Narc didn't do more to make her react so "irrationally."

None of that matters though, because it really is over between us. I was worried that seeing him again would just reignite all of the flames of love. It didn't happen though. I mean, my feelings are far from netural where he is concerned, but the "smoke" that has cleared from my eyes over the past few weeks is still cleared. He seemed a little pathetic to me, and not the nicest guy. Also, I'm having a harder time feeling sorry for him because I OFFERED him love and company and he rejected them both. So now, when he whines that has no love and no company, and he's complaining to ME, what am I supposed to think???

All in all, I think it was a positive lesson learned--that I DON'T love him as much as I think I do. And I guess that time really does heal. I just need to give it a lot more time. If he really does take that six week European vacation, I think I'll be cured for good.

The last thing that I wanted to say here is on the whole "alcoholism" issue--

I am clearly having trouble doing a complete abstinance program. And I honestly don't know if that's necessary. I mean, I don't think I have a physical addiction at this point; I just think it's a lifestyle thing and a sort of psychological dependency. I don't want to set myself up for failure though. I don't want to try to stop and then fail and then end up with feelings of inadequacy like those I posted about last week. I think if that happens often enough, I'll just give up. So I was talking to NDN and he had another idea. Instead of limiting my intake each time I go out (because I ended up feeling like crap) I'm going to try to limit the number of days I go out. Then, on those days, I won't limit myself or beat myself up if I drink too much. This week, I'm aiming to get through until Thursday. If I do that, then I can go out on Thursday night and do whatever the fuck I want. I think it'll do a lot to make me feel more productive and to build a new routine if I can spend most days of the week without drinking. So that's my new plan.

And as for why I felt so crappy with the moderate drinking at Anxious' party, here's an excerpt from some of the stuff I found online having to do with alcohol and blood sugar--


Alcohol stimulates the liver to convert stored sugar (glycogen) into blood sugar (glucose). Alcohol-induced blood-sugar increases may be a source of alcohol cravings in alcoholics. In some people (like me) a lot of insulin is dumped into the bloodstream to deal with the sugar that then brings an immediate drop in sugar (leading to a headache, etc. It's like having a hangover right away unless you have a second drink to keep the sugar level up in your blood).

When the blood sugar rises, the quick release of insulin occurs. This lowers blood levels of most large amino acids except tryptophan, which remains in the blood and can enter the brain. As a result, serotonin levels rise, but blood-sugar levels also rise and fall dramatically. When blood sugar levels fall, the serotonin falls as well unless something more is consumed to repeat the cycle.

Caffeine has an effect similar to that of sugar-- it triggers the release of stored glycogen to temporarily increase the blood sugar level.

(FYI, for those of you who don't know, I used to be a major caffeine addict too!)


Anyway, I already know that I have insulin-balance problems which I'm supposed to be on medication for (if I ever remember to take it) so it's no wonder that alcohol fucks up my whole system.

In the end, though, the why and the wherefore doesn't make much of a difference. Whatever the reason, I have to do something to get all this under control. And as for Narc... I still think it's best that this thing is completely over. I'm only a little nervous that I've lost the "moral highground" in case he calls me drunk. I have to formulate a plan of action to be ready for that one.

That's it for now... Once again, this post got dreadfully long, but I guess I had a lot to say!

Hope you're all well!

-Hyde

The Super-Slip-Up

Well, this one wasn't as much of a "slip-up" as it was an idiotic choice. The bottom line--supplemented my alcohol last night with coke and Narc. Oops!

More to come...

-hyde

The Slip-Up

Failure.

That's the only way to put what happened last night.

I failed.

But at least there's a lesson in that for me--I'm not as powerful as I think I am. Or else, I chose not to be. Maybe I didn't want to be strong or powerful and maybe I wanted to fail. Maybe I wanted an excuse to do something extreme--to convince MYSELF that I need help.

I woke up early yesterday and felt fabulous--productive. I worked on the editing for a few hours and got it all done. Then I met NDN for Lunch at Maharaja. We talked about the trip to Argentina. I was upset because I read Narc's blog again and all he posted about was his fabulous trip to the beach with the Exhibitionist. It doesn't matter because that trip was last Saturday and he called me Tuesday feeling depressed, but whatever...

After lunch I took off for my voice lesson. I explained (in a censored version of the past few months) why I wasn't at lessons. Then we agreed to "start again." Yesterday was supposed to be all about starting again. My breathing is all out of control because those muscles are ENTIRELY out of practice, but my voice is in reasonably good shape in terms of the cords themselves.

I got back from my voice lesson relatively happy, but exhausted from life. I watched Dr. Phil and then went to get a pedicure. I kept thinking about going to Cheers and telling myself not to go. Even as I thought it though, I knew I was going to go there.

When I left the nail place, I passed Cheers. Fuck it. I went in. I ordered a diet coke and a salad. I sat and ate and talked to BarMan. He was being so warm and friendly. I think because I had been so upset there the other day. I started to feel really depressed. Just about everything, I guess.

While I was eating, (and reading), Bezoukhoff called me. He asked where I was and if he could come by. IrishBird came on shift and told me that the Stallion had been there AGAIN, looking for me on Wednesday night. Bezoukhoff and I sat and drank sodas for a while. ThursdayGirl came in and gave me a hug. Bezoukhoff told me about his visions. We really have a lot in common. Then karaoke started. I sang Belinda Carlisle. I continued on the diet coke.

But then I gave up. I don't know why. I CHOSE to do it, but I'm such an asshole. I ordered a glass of Jack and threw it in with my soda. After that, I told BarMan to go to my "go to" drink. He laughed. I left Cheers at 3:30 with Bezoukhoff, or so I'm told. I was drunk drunk drunk. I don't remember the last hour that we were there or getting home. The last thing I remember is chatting it up with a boy who said he liked Elvis. He turned his collar up and started singing Elvis songs. I remember that MarriedGuy was there and I told Bezoukhoff that I had slept with him. Then I don't remember anything else.

Bezoukhoff tells me that I didn't want to leave. He says that I exchanged numbers with the Elvis guy. He said that he couldn't get me into my bed, and that I fell off my couch onto the floor. He had to leave me there.

I woke up this morning on my couch. The phone was ringing. It was Bezoukhoff. It was 10:30. He was worried and he reminded me that I had a meeting with IronChef at 11:00. Shit. I was still VERY drunk. I checked my phone. I had a text from Hammer sent at 7:05 or so, and it was already read. I was up at that time and read it? Huh??? I talked to Bezoukhoff for a while. I don't think I cried, but it feels like I did. I told him that I think I need help. I don't know what I think anymore. Maybe I don't need help. Maybe I just need RESOLVE. Like I said-- I just don't know anymore.

I did my best to make myself presentable, grabbed my laptop, bought some water and set off. I put on a ton of perfume and kept eating Listerine tabs so that I wouldn't smell like whiskey. I wasn't walking a straight line on the sidewalk. I kept veering towards the street and having to pull myself back from the curb. I must have bumped into a million people passing by Grand Central. When I got to IronChef's office, I took a deep breath and willed my swollen eyes to focus. I talked to myself in the elevator, willing the alcohol out of my blood.

I think I did a good job, because no one noticed. And once we were in her office and talking "business" (with her intern, Barbara), I actually did start to focus for real. By 12:30 or so, I felt the alcohol leaving my blood and my brain. Sweet relief!

I left there at about 1:30 to meet Bezoukhoff. We had lunch at Bloom's Delicatessen. I asked him to tell me what's going to happen with my life. He told me the following:

• In the next few months I'm going to become a workaholic; After my trip to Argentina with NDN this December I will take up an interest in Spanish.
• In the next few years I will write my dissertation on something having to do with the arts and the painful transition from Romanticism to Modernity.
• Following that, I will get a job first as an assistant and then as a full professor at an excellent university in a Southern state (perhaps Louisiana).
• I will meet my "special someone" in 5-6 years. We will marry and have at least two kids. What will this man be like? He will be European, study either musicology or philosophy and will have a passion for the American South. He will be pliable, but know what he wants. AND he will somewhat be able to keep me in line.
• My disseration may or may not become my first book but any event, in my late 30s I will write the story of my life which will be received with great acclaim. In my mid-late '40s my life book will become a Broadway musical. (I can just see it in lights: HYDE: THE MUSICAL)
• My golden years-- one of two things will come to pass:
• 1.) I will have a religious ephiany and join a Russian monastary as a nun. There I will channel my former vices into an overzealous piety. I will become a visionary and people will make pilgrimages to receive my visions.
• 2.) I will become somewhat of recluse, using the profits from my successful book and musical to buy a large Southern plantation. There I may again indulge in my youthful indiscretions and live out my years in peace. The occassional tour bus, perhaps run by Professor Bezoukhoff, may pass by.

Some life, huh? Now we're in the public library, but again, I can't focus. I can't think straight and I don't know how I'm going to survive here until 6:00 and work. Maybe I'll feel better in a little while...

But I failed. I only made it two days sober.

All I can say is that today is DAY ONE again, and I'll have to start from here.

Shit.