Memory Loss

I'm sick of memory loss.

Last night was fucking crazy but when I try to remember everything that happened, I have a black hole for a good portion of it. When I woke up with Narc this morning, there was blood on the sheets. It freaked me out, because there's no obvious reason for it. Also, there was some suspicious soreness and I have bruises on my knees and my thigh. Weird... Also, he told me that I met him at around 4:00 am but I have an outgoing call from my cell phone to his home phone at 6:39 am. When I asked him why that would be, he said "I don't know... Because you're crazy?"

Maybe I am.

I spent the day with him today, but felt like shit for most of it. It's not even 1:00 am on a Friday night now and I'm going to bed. I dropped him off in the East Village where he was meeting some friends a few hours ago. I do feel pretty sick. I have to make some lifestyle changes. This is getting ridiculous.

I'll fill in the details on last night later. (Or at least those that I can remember!) For now, it's to bed for me!

-hyde

Narc on Narc's Terms

Ah ha! After this, I'll be all caught up with my blogging. What a relief!

When I left you all, I was recovering from the red-eye, napping all day on Tuesday afternoon. I didn't plan to stay out late that night. Dan asked me to a movie, but I wasn't feeling up to it. I really just wanted to hang out at home, do something low-key and then go to bed. But after Narc texted me that he might want to hang out later, I couldn't get the thought out of my head. Trying to be prudent, I wrote him back:

Sure. I'm around tonight, but can't stay up super late b/c I took the red-eye last night. So give me a call later...

That was that. All I could do after that was wait to hear from him.

At around 8:00 I showered and changed into something nice. I talked to Hammer on the phone for a little while, but I still needed to eat dinner and hadn't been to Cheers in a week and a half, so I decided to eat over there. It was nice to be back. I hung out with IrishBird and started to drink. The Hungarian waitress was working and it was her birthday. (I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned her here before or not, but she's a really sweet girl). I wished her a happy birthday and offered to buy her a drink, but she said she had to wait until 11:00 when she got off work.

It was a strange night at Cheers. Well, maybe no stranger than usual, but strange nonetheless. A man named Andrew came in and gave me five roses. Why? I don't know. Maybe he had to get rid of them and I was a girl sitting alone. In any event, I thanked him kindly and that was it.

I waited and I waited and I waited for Narc to call. He never did. I spoke to Hammer on the phone and she told me not to freak out before midnight. (After all, our earlier text exchange had only been at 6:00). But I was getting tired and I was getting drunk. I decided to send him another text:

Hey, Just wanted to let you now-- Going to bed around 12:30/1:00 if I don't hear from you...

Then I waited some more. I waited and waited and still didn't hear from him. I still anticipated a call though. Suddenly I remembered--I had therapy scheduled for Wednesday morning and wanted to cancel. I left my stuff at the bar and dashed home to send my therapist a last minute email. I was singing to myself in the elevator--loudly enough that I guess NDN heard me, for when I reached my door, his swung open. NDN followed me into my apartment and we gossiped for a little while I wrote the email. He had some question for me about our upcoming trip to Argentina. We talked for a while, and then, I don't know why, but I went in the bathroom and did a few lines. After that, I was swinging. I realized it was after 11:00 so I called over to the bar. PumpedUp picked up the phone.

"PumpedUp?"

"Yeah?"

"Hey, this is Hyde. Can I talk to IrishBird for a sec?"

He laughed that I was calling.

When she got on the phone, I reminded her to buy the Hungarian waitress a drink from me.

"Hyde, you're a sweetheart!" she exclaimed.

After that, I ran back over to the bar. One of the bus boys who works there always smiles at me, so I always smile back. I mean, I pracitcally live at the place, so even though we haven't really talked, I feel like I know him. One time I bumped into him coming out of Duane Reade and we said hello. Back in July I was really drunk once and he came over to talk to me. (The night of the "Super Slip-Up.") He told me that I was a "very pretty girl." Anyway, this night, he came out to do something (like pour ice behind the bar or something) and the Hungarian waitress and IrishBird told me that he "likes me." (It was kind of 4th -grade of them, and I felt embarassed for him.) I didn't really say anything. I just smiled. When he went back into the kitchen, I asked them what he had said.

"Oh, just that he likes you," said IrishBird.

"And he asked what you're always writing," the Hungarian waitress piped in. "I told him that it's your studies."

"My studies? No, this is just my journal...my diary!" (I'm always scribbling something).

The whole thing was very flattering (if not a bit awkward). Where was Narc though? I waited and waited and waited. (And drank and drank and drank). Shortly before 1:00 am I got two texts from Dan. I must have been pretty far gone by then, because I don't remember getting the texts. I only saw them again in the morning. Cheers was closing at around 1:00. I have a sketchy memory of paying the bill. And then nothing.

NOTHING.

The next thing I knew, I opened my eyes with a headache. Where was I? Huh? I was on the floor of my bathroom with the door closed behind me. I reached up over my head to turn the knob. It was locked. Huh? I never lock the bathroom door. Hell! Half the time I don't even close it! (Yes, I live alone!) What time was it? I pulled myself up off the floor and stumbled into the kitchen. It was 7:00 am. My cell phone was plugged into the charger. There were a million missed calls from Narc. I went to check my land-line answering machine. About four messages from him. (I'm transcribing them here, because I'm obsessive and want them for my own "records.")

Home Phone: Hey Hyde, it's Narc. I just tried your cell phone, and now I'm trying your land-line. I just arrived at my own pad here. It's about, well let me look... 2:45? 2:47, actually. 2:47 in the morning. And um, I don't know. I just um... I just wanted to talk to you and see how you're doing. So, um... Give me a call back when you get this. I'm going to sit up for a little bit longer. Alright. Bye.

Cell Phone: Well, gosh Hyde. I don't know if you're gonna pick this up on your phone, but uh... Give a little listen. A little listen. (Then he played me the introduction to "Father Figure" The message is somewhat unclear here). It's all very funny. Yeah, yeah, well... you now how it goes. That's a little "Father Figure" for ya. Anyway... Where the fuck ARE you? Where the FUCK are you? I'm listing to my Everything but the Girl credits song here and I'm just flopping around. And, um, yeah... Where ARE you? Alright, I'll try your home phone and then I'm gonna give up. Alright. Bye.

Home Phone: Hey Hyde, it's Narc. I'm calling your landline. I'm back at home. I just arrived in, and uh... I left an outrageous message on your cellphone just a second ago because I'm pacing about here and I'm wondering where YOU are. But, I guess you're out. You're probably at Cheers getting hammered or what not. Um, alright. Well, call me on my land or cell. Whatever you like. We'll figure it out. I'm going to sit here and smoke it away. Alright. I hope you had a great time in California. Talk to you soon. Bye.

Home Phone: Hyde, GET UP! It's 3:00. It's Narc. GET UP!!! Get your ass up out of bed!!!! Oh my God. I blew everyone off, and I'm like, "where's Hyde?" But, I guess you're asleep. I'm a little worried. I mean, I don't know. I'm up. I'm up. It's 3:00 am and I'm up. So I'm probably going to hang out for a little bit, a little half hour or so and then I'll probably crash out. So um, either call me in a little bit, or um... We'll figure it out eventually. Alright, H-- bye. Good luck. Bye.

Home Phone: Hyde, what a lame outgoing message! You MUST spice up your outgoing message. Anyway, it's Narc. It's about 4:30. I've just been sitting around for the past two hours or so. Hearing some music and just sitting around and um, drinking my wine and smoking cigarettes. I don't know... Yeah, blah...whatever. I mean, obviously you have your phone off and um, you are napping right now. But uh, I'm gonna go to bed in just a little sec. But um, I will keep my cell phone next to me and you should call me when you get up. Because, I DO want to see you. I'm just... I don't know. Sitting around here and doing my thing. My monkish thing. But uh... Wish you were here. But, well... you're out. Anyway, give me a call as soon as you get up. Alright. Bye.

So, I did as I was told, and I called him at home. He didn't pick up. I was sure he was passed out. I don't remember exactly what I said. Something to the effect of:

Hey Narc, it's me. Just got up, calling you back. If you still wanna see me, let me know.

Sure enough, he called me back a few minutes later.

"I can't believe you're up!" I said.

"I'm not, but I want you here."

"I'm not really up either," I told him. (I was about to make the great migration from bathroom floor to bed). "Do you want me to come now?"

"Yeah."

"Alright. Give me a half hour to get there."

I grabbed my purse along with the bottle of wine I bought him in Napa and stumbled to the lobby, not even bothering to check myself first. It was okay, though. I had the cab ride to fix my makeup. I was still in a daze. Damn! Whatever it was, I needed to sleep it off!

When I got there, the doorman waved me up. Narc looked bleary and rumpled when he answered the door. He was in his underwear.

"Here's your wine," I said, brushing past him to put it in the fridge.

"Thanks."

Neither of us said a word after that. We just took everything off and crawled into bed. He pulled me into him as he's prone to do--again, hugging me so tightly it was hard to breathe. We were completely tangled up together. I let myself relax and we both fell fast asleep.

When I opened my eyes again, it was 2:00 pm. (I love waking up with him!). I woke him up and we stayed in bed until past 4:00 pm. (It was exceptional, might I add! Uh oh... Now I'm distracted. Anyway, moving on... ) Once we were ready to get out of bed, he had to deal with some business.

"Was I dreaming, or did we get a call about my tour?" he asked.

"I don't think you were dreaming. I thought I heard the machine go off too."

Narc called back the travel agent. Indeed there was a problem. Suffice it to say, he's now leaving on September 6th instead of August 28th and will be away for four weeks instead of six. Narc browsed the internet for a while and read me anything interesting that he found (as is his morning habit). He told me about some strange ad he had seen in the New Yorker. A woman posted an ad looking for the "perfect man." He was curious, so he went to the website where he found an enormous survey. He filled out the survey half as a joke.

"I bet it's some kind of screening process for reality TV," he said. "It just doesn't seem like a real woman did that."

I laughed.

"I can't believe you took the time to fill all of it out!" I said.

I asked him what he had been doing the night before.

"How was your meeting?"

"Oh, that didn't end up happening."

"So what did you do?"

"I just ended up hanging out at Bar and Books with CouchSleeper and Robin," he said. "Then Robin and I came back here and did some blow until she realized she had to work the next day. She bolted at around 2:00."

"Oh."

Then I got up and started to dress. I told him I had to leave by 5:30 or 6:00.

"Why? Where are you going?"

"Oh, I have plans tonight."

"With whom?"

"B."

"Oh."

He looked a little disappointed. I know if I had stayed there it would have turned into a two-night sleepover. Don't get me wrong--I LOVE my nights with B, but damn it!!!

"What are you up to tonight?" I asked.

"Just chillin' here, I guess," he said.

We moved into the living room. I was dressed and Narc was still naked. He ordered some Chinese takeout and flipped channels. The beginning of Troy was on HBO. Before long, Narc and I were at it again, this time without much time to spare. It was all perfect though.

At 6:00 on the dot, I got up to go. Narc got up to walk me to the door. He gave me a hug and a kiss.

"Have fun with B," he half laughed.

"I will."

I hated leaving. It ALWAYS feels awkward when I leave. But I had to go.

I met B in front of my building at 6:30 and we walked up to get some dinner (I hadn't really eaten at Narc's). It was so good to see B after the week away and we just gossiped and caught up. He met his girlfriend's parents for the first time, so I wanted to hear all about that. Also, he's having some issues with his orals committee at school, and needed some comfort. For my part, I was being a little obsessive and had to run all of the Narc bullshit by him.

After dinner we proceeded back to my place and hung out and watched TV. He was exhausted by 11:00 and wanted to turn in, but I just wasn't tired, and I felt really anxious. I begged him to stay up with me for another hour. He compromised with a half hour. We retired into my room, flicked on the Daily Show and I tried to fall asleep.

B moved into the living room and I was finally starting to fall asleep around midnight when my cell phone rang. It was Narc.

"Hey, Hyde. What are you up to?"

"Falling asleep, actually," I said.

"Oh. Then I won't keep you." (He sounded disappointed.)

"What's up?"

"I just had to share this with someone!" he said.

"What?"

"Remember I told you I filled out that woman's 'perfect man' survey?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, she wrote back to me! I can't believe she wrote back."

"Narc, that's crazy! What did she say?"

"Just that my response was beautifully written and that she hasn't gotten many others... I don't know. It was like a 10 page reply."

"Wow."

"Well, anyway, I don't want to keep you if you're sleeping."

"Okay."

"Goodnight, then."

"Goodnight."

I tossed and turned for another hour or two after that, but eventually got some sleep.

Today I sent him a text in the afternoon, but he never wrote back. This is all the same old, same old. Narc on Narc's terms. I guess if I want him, that's how I'll have to accept him. I'm feeling a little weary though.

Tonight NDN is throwing a little dinner party at a Korean restaurant. I'm very much looking forward to it. Oc will be there, whom I haven't seen in a while. (As a side note, Oc actually called me on Sunday night--2:30 in the morning NY time. He wanted to hang out, knowing that I'm always up late, but I was in CA, wearing a mudmask and watching TV with my mom and younger sister!)

Well, that's all for now. This Narc thing will be the death of me. I love him and he tortures me.

UGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

("Maybe you love him because he tortures you?" B suggested. No comment!)

California: Part II

Picking up where I left off, I'll continue the story of my visit to California:

August 5th:

That morning we were set to leave for a drive up the coast. The wedding was held at the Point Arena Lighthouse--about a 4 hour drive north of San Francisco. Before picking up the rental car, I left my mom and LilSis packing and ran over to Borders for some new reading material. Once we had the car, we decided to spend the morning checking out some areas of the city we hadn't yet seen. First we went over to the Castro and walked around for a while. Then we headed to Haight Ashbury where we had lunch. Finally we were off.

I drove the first leg of the trip, so I got to drive over the Golden Gate Bridge. It was pretty cool. The drive up Route-1 was pretty brutal though. The road is narrow and there are no shoulders. It winds up around the mountain cliff with drop-offs down to the ocean below, and I have to say it was more than a little nerve-racking. (As I've lived in the city for about 10 years now, I'm not as practiced a driver as I used to be). LilSis was feeling a little queasy from all the curves and was napping in the backseat. About halfway through the drive, I switched places with my mom. I enjoyed it much more after that, as I got to gaze at the romantic views without fear of driving us off a cliff! As we climbed the mountains, we lost all cell phone reception and wouldn't have it back until Sunday afternoon--my second weekend cell phone free! To make matters worse, we were driving in such thick fog, that I swear we were driving in a cloud. At times, we couldn't see two feet in front of us!

We finally reached our destination--a hotel called "The Wharfmaster's Inn" located on a hill next to a fishing pier. It was more like a series of small houses divided into rooms. BigSis and Bro-in-Law had arrived before us. We greeted them and set about freshening up for the wedding rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner. The fog was again so thick that it was nearly impossible to drive. We finally found the entrance to the park where the lighthouse is located, but the gate was shut with a sign that said "closed." At this point, we were nearly despondent. LilSis and Bro-in-Law were complaining non-stop. Bro-in-Law is a total city boy. (To give you some idea of what I mean, when he first came out to our house in the suburbs he called it the "jungle" because of the sound of crickets). Everyone was cursing KW for holding her wedding in such an inconvenient location. I kept quiet though, because to be honest, I was enamored with the romantic mysterious landscape.

As we debated what to do, we noticed two guys standing near a truck on the side of the road. Bro-in-Law decided to get out and ask them if they knew how to get in to the lighthouse. They looked like real country types, and as he approached, it became clear that they were feeding a racoon. It was so bizarre. When he asked them directions, they half ignored him.

"Why don't you ask the racoon?" they laughed.

He was freaked out by the exchange and got back into the car. We almost gave up and headed back to the hotel when Jason--one of the groom's friends appeared out of the mist and opened the gate.

"We just realized they had shut the gate, so I came out here for you guys!" he explained.

We thanked him and headed in.

The bride and her mother waved down the car and directed us where to park. There are some small houses on the park grounds for tourists and the bride's mother and the groom's parents had each rented a house there. The setting was gorgeous, although incredibly difficult to see through the fog. We walked over to a gazebo on the cliff where the ceremony would be held. (They say a scene in "Forever Young" with Mel Gibson was filmed there. I don't know... I never saw that movie). Looking down over the cliff, there were huge crashing waves, the heads of seals occasionally popping up through the foam. With the wind, it was absolutely freezing.

As we lined up for the run-through, HW, her husband and the twins arrived. After the rehearsal, the groom's family hosted a BBQ. The food was amazing--chicken and ribs, vegetables and peach cobbler for dessert. I drank my fair share of wine and beer along with HW and the twins. Most people stayed inside with the fireplace going, but I sat outside on a picnic bench, my hair curling from the moisture in the air. The groom's brother was there with his three kids who were absolutely adorable. We roasted marshmallow's with them on the grill and made s'mores. Mostly, I talked to LW. He has been living with his sister in San Francisco since graduating from college last year, but he's planning on moving back to the East Coast. As the party started to wind up, LW & AW wanted to go out drinking. They asked if I wanted to go along. I was pretty tipsy at that point, but there was no way I was going to get into a car with either of them. Besides, everything up there closes at 9:00! They refused to be convinced to stay home and went out on their own. I got a text from NV (in a rare moment of cell phone reception) and he said that he was at Cheers. It made me feel strange to be so far away. I thought of Narc a lot and tried not to. I don't think anyone in my family could tell how tipsy I was though, so I was glad for it.

August 6th:

The next morning we woke up and went to look for a place for lunch. My mom, LilSis, BigSis, Bro-in-Law and I headed into town, but couldn't find anyplace to eat. Instead, we went back to the hotel and ate in the restaurant there. From there we changed into our bridesmaid dresses (navy blue satin) and went over to the bride's cabin to help her get ready for the day. The worst part of it--she had dozens of tiny buttons on her dress, each of which had to be closed by hand, and somehow I got stuck with the job. My fingers were red and sore by the time I had finished! We took some photos and then set off for the ceremony.

The wedding itself was absolutely beautiful. The couple wrote their own vows and I was especially impressed with the groom. I never knew he was such a poet! But while we were lining up waiting to walk down the aisle, LW & AW were taking swigs from a flask.

"What are you guys drinking?" I asked them.

"Johnny Walker, Black label, 12 years old," came the reply. "You want some?"

"Um, no..."

Seriously--I couldn't believe they were getting drunk while about to walk down the aisle for their sister's wedding! They told me that earlier that morning they had gone surfing at the beach below. I swear, they have a death wish. The rocks jutting out into the water are tremendous and they're everywhere. Those boys are definitely thrill seekers.

During the ceremony itself, I started to feel really sad. I thought a lot about my dad. I don't want to say any more about that now, because I just don't want to go back there. After it was over, the small party (of about 30) retired to a nearby tent set up with chocolates, wine and cheese, fruits and vegetables, and a harpist. I wandered over to the edge of the cliff and peered down into the sea. The wind was blowing fiercely causing the grass to wave. Everything was colored in gray. It made me think of Wuthering Heights and of Catherine running through the moors crying out for Heathcliff. (And of course, that made me think of Narc again.)

From there, we headed back to the hotel restaurant for the wedding dinner. I didn't enjoy it as much as I might have because I started to sugar crash from the chocolate and wine. It was nice though. When that was over, I went back to our room to lay down for a while. Then, we all changed out of our dresses and went to the newlyweds' cabin for an "after-party." It was a good time. Of course, LW and AW were drinking too much. The groom played a song for KW on the guitar and sang. It was sweet. The only strange part--the groom's brother and his best friend were telling us stories about growing up in South Dakota. They started to talk about hunting and then about killing squirrels. I thought it was disgusting and very off-putting. I mean, everyone was drinking, but I can't imagine what's amusing about killing an animal. Gross!

August 7th:

The next morning, we checked out, loaded up the car and headed back to the bride and groom's cabin for brunch. As the maid of honor, HW had prepared quite an impressive spread. LW and AW looked totally out of it. Apparently they had been up half the night and later got stoned. AW claimed the house was haunted and said that when he tried to go to sleep in an upstairs room, a ghost had tried to choke him. Weird.

We said our goodbyes and left at around noon. This time, we took a route more inland, even though we had to drive 45 minutes out of the way to get a connecting road. LilSis was feeling car-sick again and kept complaining along the way. BigSis and Bro-in-Law were headed back to San Francisco to fly out that night, while my mom, LilSis and I wanted to spend some time in Napa. I was thrilled with the ride back down because we passed through the Navarro River redwoods. I had really wanted to see some of the forests there, but my family is 100% not into the nature thing. I had only been in CA once before, visiting GoldenFinch back in 1997 and she took me to see some amazing natural sights so I knew what I was missing. I was so glad that we got to pass through the trees on the drive. I made my mom pull over so that I could get out of the car and sit in the forest for a few minutes and take some pictures. Again, I'm still waiting for my film to get developed, but if any of them come out okay, I'll post them here. (I know, I know... Narc keeps making fun of me for not having a digital yet, but I'm always a little technologically behind the times!)

As we drove, some of the towns we passed through were so small that according to their welcome signs, the populations didn't even reach 100! By lunchtime we were in Calistoga. We walked around, ate lunch and contemplated getting a spa treatment. We decided against it, bought some mud-masks in a souvenir shop instead and headed onward towards Napa.

That evening, we arrived in Napa and ate dinner in town (where the waiter kept commenting on LilSis' t-shirt, making her uncomfortable that he was staring at her very large breasts). Then it was back to the hotel for our mud-masks. My mom, LilSis and I were all in a very silly mood, and took pictures with our masks on, watched Law & Order and eventually got some sleep.

August 8th:

Our very last day in California! We woke up and had waffles for breakfast at the hotel. Delicious! Then it was off to the wineries. We went to two different vineyards for the tastings. They were absolutely breathtaking. Also, I can't believe how warm it was in Napa when it had been so cold in San Francisco and Point Arena. The rolling hills and endless rows of grapes were absolutely picturesque. My mom got tipsy from the wine tasting pretty quickly and had to eat some crackers. LilSis didn't participate, as she doesn't really like to drink. I had a great time and bought three bottles of wine--two for me and one for Narc.

None of us are total wine people though, so after we had sampled the vineyard thing, we hit the outlet stores. I bought a blazer for fall. Then LilSis wanted to go to a local museum about food, wine and culture. We got there at 4:00 and only had an hour to look around. As it was a small musuem, we managed to see what we wanted to see. After the museum, we ate dinner at a nearby pub and piled in the car to head to the airport. It wasn't too far to Oakland and our plane took off at 10:25 (California-time) arriving at JFK at about 6:00 the next morning (NY-time).

So that's my trip to California!

On Tuesday I napped for most of the day. When I got up at around 6:00 pm I sent Narc a text:

Hey, back from CA & brought you some wine from Napa. Hope you survived the heat in NY last week!

He wrote back right away (which still surprises me!)

Going to meeting now, perhaps get together later?

Yay! I was psyched. But I'll leave that story for the next post.

Glad to be back!!!

-Hyde

California: Part I

So much to say! It seems like forever since I've blogged. I had a great time in California, but I'm glad to be back in New York. My first night back, I had a little Narc drama, but that all worked out okay. (I'll write about that later). Last night I hung out with B. As such, I haven't really had the time to sit down and process the week to blog, but I'm going to try to get at least some of it out this morning.

I was in California for the wedding of a childhood friend. It left me with a mix of strange feelings, but it's hard to explain what this past week was about without a little background about my childhood. So here it goes...

I was born in NJ and grew up in a rural suburb--a beautiful place on the edge of a forest sitting on a lake. About an hour or so northwest of New York City, it's the last town before it all turns to farmland. My mom was a city girl, but my parents moved out there because it was easier for my dad to open a store (so my mom says). Anyway, I lived there for the first seven years of my life. I'm sure that I've mentioned that my dad was an alcoholic. Well, things got pretty bad. So bad, in fact, that my mom packed us all up one day and "ran away" to Long Island where her family lived. That's where we been ever since, (or at least until I moved to Manhattan for college).

Those first seven years of my life feel like a dream to me. Sometimes I wonder if they ever happened at all. In NJ we lived next door to a family of blondes. Those kids were the tallest, palest and blondest people you can imagine--two girls (HW & KW) and three boys (CW, AW & LW). We were best friends from the moment we met (I believe I was only three months old at the time), and we used to always try to trick people into believing we were siblings. (My sisters and I are all dark-haired and dark-eyed, and no one every really bought it). We were a creative bunch and used to play for endless stretches of time--taking magical train rides to nowhere, dressing like punk-rockers, making music videos, painting shells, coloring for hours, crushing perfumes from freshly picked flowers, doing "rain-dances" and generally getting lost in imagined endless possibility. BigSis, HW and KW used to stage fake weddings, marrying me off to CW and marrying LilSis to whichever of the twins (AW & LW) were around.

Although we left that place just about twenty years ago now, we've always stayed in touch with the W family. I wouldn't say that we're all still "friends" in the sense that I'd call them to gossip about day to day life, but they certainly are "family." I'll always love them and they'll always be around somewhere on the edges of my life. The girls are now 32 and 30; CW is 26 and the twins are 23.

Over the years, their family (as well as mine) has changed a lot. CW got into drugs and hard-core partying in college and dragged the twins into it with him. HW (the eldest girl) also started drinking heavily and at this point is an alcoholic. I haven't hung out with CW in a while (he seems to have calmed down from the height of his partying phase) but the twins are alcoholics also. Now, you guys know I like to drink and party my fair share, so when I say these people have a problem, they really have a problem.

All of it got much worse a few years ago when their father passed away unexpectedly from a sudden heart-attack. Their dad had a huge booming personality that held the family together, and none of them have been the same since. It makes me sick to my stomach to think back on all of us in that dreamworld of so long ago, and all of have since lost a father.

Anyway, KW has always been a little different. She's a drifter and has lived in countless cities. As a trained midwife, she did the Peace Corps in Nepal for a while. Most recently she's settled in San Francisco and it was her wedding we were there to attend. BigSis, LilSis and I were all asked to be bridesmaids.

So that's the the background. Now, on to my trip to the Golden State! I'm so used to writing in so much detail that looking back over the past week, I'm not sure where to start. I thought California was beautiful and I was especially grateful to get out of NY the week that it was in the upper 90's here!

August 3rd:

I woke up at 5:30 in the morning in order to get to the airport for an early morning flight. It sucked! Once there, I met my mom and LilSis. BigSis and Bro-in-Law were also going to the wedding, but had left a few days earlier to turn their trip into more of a "vacation." (My stepfather still won't travel, or leave my stepbrother's side). The flight over there wasn't too bad. We flew JetBlue, so we got those little personal TV sets on the back of our seats. I caught the end of a Paul Newman movie, and then they showed Carousel, so I was a very happy girl!

Once we got to San Francisco, the first thing I noticed was the weather. I loved the cooler temperatures. Perfect! We found our hotel in the downtown area and ate lunch in a nearby restaurant. Then my mom, LilSis and I set off for Chinatown. We were all exhuasted, but walked around for a while taking it all in. Before long, it was time to meet the W family for dinner. We made our way over to a family-style Italian restaurant for the reunion. In typical fashion, HW, AW & LW were all drinking at the restaurant bar while waiting for everyone to arrive. KW was entertaining her future in-laws and trying to get us a table. (CW didn't come for the wedding. His wife is about to have a baby and he didn't want to leave her, or so he says. I think it has more to do with the fact that his wife doesn't get along with KW, but that's a whole other story).

The restaurant had a very strange decor--I guess you could call it "religious kitsch." In the center of our table there was a huge plastic bust of the pope. (LilSis took a picture, so if I can get it from her, I'll post it). My mom loves to get attention, and she kept making jokes, telling us all that we had to play "spin the pope." Whomever the pope faced at end of the spin had to confess something. As we didn't really know the groom's family, and I wasn't sure how they would take to her humor, I thought it was a little inappropriate. That's my mom for you, though!

Soon enough, BigSis and Bro-in-Law arrived at the restaurant, and we all ate. AW & LW wanted to go out partying later that night, and they kept pressing us to go with them. Not only was I tired from the flight, but I knew that my mom really would have been uncomfortable with that, and as we were sharing a hotel room, I kept trying to put them off. It was hard though. I'm always "Jekyll" with my family, and I felt really stressed about it. I don't know why, but it was a "Jekyll & Hyde" tension thing.

The restaurant was right near the IMAX theater so instead of going out to "party," the whole group took at trip to the movies instead. We saw the new Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. It certainly didn't rival the original, but it was still entertaining enough. (My favorite moment? The oompa-loompa dressed up like Freud, powdered nose and all!)

August 4th:

The next day we planned to go up to Fisherman's Wharf. None of us had packed for the chilly weather, so mom, LilSis and I took a trip to Old Navy that morning to buy sweatshirts and long-sleeved shirts to layer with. At the Wharf, we met BigSis and Bro-in-Law. We tried to get tickets to tour Alcatrez, but the tours were all sold out. Instead, we took one of those tour boats around the bay. It was absolutely beautiful, but I was a little disappointed that the bridge was obscured by the fog. My sisters and Bro-in-Law were cranky about the cold and went to sit on the inside of the boat. I loved it though. I miss the feeling of cold bringing blood into the cheeks, and I sat with my face in the wind, letting my hair whip all about.

After the boat ride, we ate lunch at the wharf and then just walked around for a while. We didn't have much time to see the city, so my mom suggested we take one of those trolley tours to get a glimpse of some of the different neighborhoods. My favorite part--getting to see the gorgeous Victorian architecture. I also loved the Palace of Fine Arts (built for the Panama Pacific Exhibition of 1915).

I started to get pensive about half way through the ride and didn't really feel like talking to anyone. I couldn't stop thinking about Narc, and for some reason, I felt really anxious. My stomach was turning over and over, and I was just nervous and sad at the same time. Thankfully, it passed soon enough, and we headed to BigSis and Bro-in-Law's hotel, eating dinner at a nearby Italian restaurant. Finally, back at our own hotel, LilSis and I did our nails for the wedding and went to bed early.

*********

That's all I have time to post right now. I've got to hop in the shower before therapy, so I'll finish this later.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Template Issues

Okay, okay... I haven't taken my nap yet. I've been catching up on everyone's blogs. Unfortunately, I'm having some problems on my own blog with the image hosting, etc. Until I get it all worked out, I'm going back to my old standard template. I hope to have my "Echo & Narcissus" back soon. I'm too tired to figure it out right now though. I think I really will go try for that nap...

:)

I'm Back!

I'm back from California! I took the red-eye last night and just got in this morning. As such, I'm about to settle in for a very long, long nap. Not sure when I'm going to update, but it won't be long.

Later!

Hyde

Narc Nights (Part III)

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Hammer Time! (Part II)

When I dragged my weary sleepless self off the bus, I found myself in an incredibly depressing seedy bus station. Hammer was nowhere to be seen. The clock on the wall informed me that the bus had arrived a whole hour late! I hoped she wasn't pissed. Locating a pay phone, I was able to get in touch with Hammer and explain my cell phone crisis to her. At first she was annoyed, having not heard from me all morning. She thought that I had flaked out on the entire trip. But once we cleared things up, she told me to meet her at Union Station which was just a few blocks away.

My body was exhausted, and the heat was strong, but I made it to the station and our appointed meeting place. Before long, I saw Hammer waving at me. Yay! It had been about a month and a half since I'd seen her, and I missed her! We sat down to eat at a cafe in the station, and caught each other up on what's been going on in our lives. Then Hammer got her Starbucks fix and we popped into Nine West before setting off for her place. Hammer had her bike parked outside. Apparently, she's taken to bicycling everywhere! I haven't been on a bike since the fourth grade, though, and I wasn't about to try it, so we pushed the bike and walked the way home.

Her apartment is really pretty. She's rooming with two lesbians (who are planning their wedding) and who are apparently neat-freaks. The apartment is kept spotless, even with two cats living there! I was pretty much too tired to do anything adventurous, so we settled in her room to chat and watch some TV. (We saw part of It Runs in the Family with Michael Douglas and Uptown Girls with Britney Murphy). I needed to restore myself, so I ironed my hair and carefully applied my makeup. Later, I ironed Hammer's hair for her too and it looked gorgeous!

By 8:00 or so, I felt better, and we were all set to go meet Hammer's brother at his apartment. Hammer even wore high heels! We passed through Union Station again, heading into the subway, and I stopped at the Swatch counter. We looked at all the watches and Hammer tried on the diamond encrusted Swatch before I ended up buying one. It took me forever to decide, but I have a watch now and I'm very happy with my choice. One difference between Washington and NY--in the subway the security guards in D.C. are hard core! They have a rule against food and drink in the subway system and the guard yelled at Hammer to toss her Starbucks. Weird.

I was very excited to meet another member of the Hammer family. Her brother was really nice. He is planning his wedding too (all of this wedding planning is having strange effects on Hammer, I think), and he showed me a picture of his fiancee. Then we were off for Adam's Morgan. We settled in at a Ghanaian restaurant, which seemed like an exotic choice, but all of the food basically tasted the same. It was okay... Hammer and her brother were gossiping about strange relatives and some family drama from a trip their family recently took to Alaska. He also told me about his job which is pretty interesting. After dinner we got ice cream at Maggie Moo's. Hammer's was the most exciting--electric blue cotton candy ice cream with gummy bears!

We had originally planned to make it a bit of a party night, but by that time found that we were both exhausted. I thought could have revved myself up after a few drinks, but we decided against it, instead heading home. Back at her place, we both fell asleep pretty quicky and slept straight through to the next day. Neither of us woke up until after 11:00! In the morning we ate some yogurt and mangos. (She's really into the mango lately!) Then I sent an email to the people who text message me the most frequently telling them that my phone was broken. I included Narc on that list, hoping that he would get the point that if he had answered my text from the previous day, I wouldn't be able to access his response.

With a late start to our day, we gave up our plan to go to the National Gallery and headed instead to Eastern Market. I was very excited to check out the flea market of which Hammer had told me much about. She spends a lot of her weekends there, and she wanted to show me a really cool "Jekyll & Hyde" purse. Unfortunately, the woman who made it had already sold it. I bought two pairs of earrings and a silver chain. Hammer and I strolled around for a while and then ate bagels and lox for lunch. Yum! When we finished at the market, we headed towards the Mall for a look at the Holocaust Musuem.

Hammer is working at the museum this summer and she showed me around the library, etc. Then we passed through their special exhibit on Euthanasia and Eugenics. It was pretty depressing, but as historians, of course, fascinating to us both. (She's already been through the exhibit a million times). Hammer knew a lot about the architecture of the museum. It was really interesting--something I had never thought much about before. She also pointed out some museum highlights, like the Wizard's favorite part--an enourmous block of steel, and the security guard who chided her for drinking water by the elevator.

When we left the museum we decided to go paddle-boating out on the Tidal Basin. For only $8.00 we got the boat for a whole hour. It was pretty brutal paddling out under the beating sun (especially considering I've become pretty out of shape over the past year), but once we made it across to the shade, it was much nicer. We tried to see how many "rules" we could break at once, steering too near to the sea walls and removing our life-vests. Later, we made friends with a passing duck. At one point, Hammer took a picture of me with the Washington Monument in the background. We tried to stage another picture to look like I was giving a blowjob to the monument, but the boat kept drifiting and we couldn't get it to work.

While we were out on the water I used Hammer's phone to check my messages. I was delighted to find that I had two messages from Narc--one on my cell phone and one on my home phone. Basically, he told me to give him a call whenever I got back in from D.C. Yay! I was elated.

After our boat ride, Hammer and I headed back to her place so I could pick up my bag. I called Narc and left him a message telling him that I wouldn't be back in NY until after midnight. Then we rushed off to the bus station. I was supposed to get a bus out of there at 7:00 pm.

We got to the station at 6:30 and I had to grab something for dinner. The line to board the NY bus was insanely long. I ate the only food available--fast food, and Hammer and I went to wait on the line. Unfortunately, they filled up the 7:00 bus and I had to wait for the 8:00. Hammer hugged me goodbye and left to go jog, as she didn't want to be caught after sundown in the "ghetto."

I had a fairly decent bus ride home. At first I thought it was going to suck--the bus driver was crazy and kept tailgating cars all over the place, and the guy behind me was talking on his cell phone and annoying me. Soon enough, though, he hung up the phone, the driver calmed down, and they put on Ocean's 11 which I hadn't seen before. After the movie ended, I listened to my Leonard Cohen CD for a few hours and dreamed about Narc. (I feel stupid writing that here, but it's true).

That night and last night I spent with Narc. But all that's to come in the third (and final) leg of this post.

Again-- To be continued...

All Through the Night (Part I)

Okay... Well, today is one of those days when blogging becomes a chore. I have only a few hours to clean my house, do my laundry and pack my bag for CA before B arrives for our hang-out tonight. And yet, if I don't get this post out, you won't hear from me for a week and all of this will be ancient history by then! As such, I think it's going to have to be a little less detailed than usual. (Also, I'm going to do it in a series of posts in case I don't have time to finish).

On Friday I had lunch with Dan. I don't know if any of you follow his blog, but last week he told me that he's "in love" with me, a declaration I found to be rather strange. I mean, he feels what he feels, but I don't know how well he even knows me. I guess I'll write more on that later. Anyway, we met for lunch at a nearby diner. I was having an internet connection problem and brought my laptop over there to steal some free wireless. Lunch was good, but I couldn't help feeling a little bit awkward. Needless to say, I steered clear of the whole "love" topic.

I had intended to be home and in bed early that night, as I was due at Port Authority (the bus station) the next morning by 8:00-ish to catch a bus to visit Hammer in D.C. You all know me though... A quick trip to Cheers at 8:00 pm turned into drunkeness and before I knew it, it was 11:00 pm and then midnight. I had a good time there, though. I hung out with BarMan before the karaoke started up. I always enjoy his company.

Anyway, most of the details are blurry, both from the alcohol and from the fact that I'm reporting on four-day old events. At one point I started talking to that guy who likes to sing Elvis songs--the one I met a few weeks ago when I was out with Bezoukhoff. I'll call him Crys. (You can read all about our meeting in my July 15th post--The Slip-Up). Anyway, he and I got to talking, and at some point we were joined by some other girl named Pati. Somehow the subject of "medicine" came up and Crys asked if I had any. I told him I was fresh out, but could try to order some more, which I did. The stuff arrived shortly and I invited them back to my place to indulge. The three of us hung out in my apartment for a little bit, and then brought a tray up to the roof. We stretched out on the roof deck, all laying around it on our stomachs, and talked for a while. At one point, someone else came up there and saw what we were doing. I felt sheepish at the time, but not scared. In retrospect, I was a total idiot for being so careless. here are a lot of government types who live in my building, as I'm so near to the UN. That carelessness is not something I wish to repeat!

I don't know what time it was when Pati started freaking out that she had left money at a bar on the Upper East Side. She said that she had left the bartender with a $100 tip and she suddenly wanted her money back. I know this sounds odd, but it was odd! Crys was heavily flirting with her, so he acted all concerned and volunteered to go back to that bar with her. They asked me if I wanted to come, but I was high and already home, so I turned them down. I told them to come back to my place when they were done. (I don't think I really expected them to comply though).

Once they left (and I think it was around 3:00 am), I felt anxious and kind of crappy. I checked out some blogs (my internet had magically been restored) and I paced around the apartment. I changed into jogging pants and a t-shirt and threw a shitload of things into a bag to take to Washington. I had no idea what I was packing, but it worked out okay in the end.

At around 4:30 am, they returned. To be honest, I'm shocked they were able to find the place again! They also had gotten $75 back from the bar. Again, I'm shocked that they were successful!

We brought out the tray again and continued to talk. Pati is a teacher in the Bronx. She's a major coke-head and just got out of a long term relationship with an abusive drug-dealer boyfriend. Crys moved to NY a month ago from South Carolina where he made his living as a Crystal Meth dealer. What the fuck??? It's a rare day that I'm the most sane and stable of the bunch! I felt like these people were both a lot more hard-core into drugs than I've ever been and it made me uncomfortable. The way they were talking, it was just out of my realm and I'm not looking to get into that.

Then things went from bizarre to insane. Crys started telling us that when he lived in SC someone set him up to live on a live-camera, only he could never find the cameras and didn't know where it was being broadcast. Why would someone do that to him, you ask? To fuck with his mind, of course! He told us that this thing got so huge that people everywhere knew him on the streets. He said that when he'd be watching Conan or Letterman on TV, the talk-show hosts themselves would comment on or respond to things Crys was doing in his home at that very minute. In other words, they could see him! (Can you say "drug-induced paranoia?") His story was so fucked up. He said that he moved to NY to get away from it and that he had even tried to kill himself.

"If they like watching my every move," he said, "how would they like watching that?"

I didn't know how to respond to any of this. Even high, and bonding with them on the stuff, I felt like I was hanging out with a lunatic. Pati was nice about it because he was all over her, and I guess she wanted to hook up.

"I believe you, but that's totally crazy!" she kept saying.

I kind of kept quiet on the whole thing.

The hours ticked by and I was on absolutely no sleep. At around 6:30 am I heard my alarm go off. (I had prudently set it the night before--before heading to Cheers). At 7:30 am, I did two final bumps and told them that I had to go. We all said our goodbyes. They both kept telling me how they had an "awesome" time. Crys said that he's so glad he finally made some good friends in NY. Whatever... It was an interesting night, but I'm not about to add either of them to my list of best friends.

Once they had gone, I fed my cat, grabbed my bag and got in a cab to the bus station. I felt the come-down start after only fifteen minutes. It was fucking torture. My lips were dry and my mouth was cotton. My eyes were red, puffy and dialated and I was drenched in sweat. I found my way to the Greyhound counter to get my ticket from will call. But even in my weakened state, I couldn't help but laugh at myself--all coked up at Port Authority at 8:00 am! I was a bad 1980's cliche.

Once I had my ticket I bought some water and gateorade and a bagel, but I just couldn't make myself eat. I tossed the bagel and drank as much as possible, all the while trying to convince myself that the hell would pass. At 8:30 I got on line for the bus. That was the worst. I was coming down in the most awful way and I had to stand there on line for half an hour. I just closed my eyes and willed myself to survive. Somehow I did. When I finally got on the bus, it was sweet relief just to be able to sit down, close my eyes and not to have to talk to anyone. I popped some codeine to kill the headache and the anxiety. In another hour or so, the worst of it had passed.

When I felt stable enough, I went to check my phone to see if I had sent any embarassing text messages the night before. I remembered having spoken to Bezoukhoff and Buke, but I didn't remember any of either of the conversations. Then I discovered one text there that I had no recollection of. It was, of course, to Narc. I told him that I was "thinking of him" and that I "missed him," and I asked him if he wanted to hang out before I went to CA. I couldn't deal with it at the time, so I put the phone down and figured I would sort through the events of the previous night a little bit later.

I didn't have a watch on, though, and at one point went to check my cell phone for the time. Much to my dismay, the phone wouldn't turn on! The crazy-glue hold up job I had done a few weeks ago had finally given way. My phone was dead. This, of course, sent me into a panic. How would I know if Narc texted me back? I couldn't call him to find out because that might appear "desperate" or "suffocating." On the other hand, what if he asked me to do something on Monday or Tuesday and I didn't answer him because I couldn't know!!! To make matters worse, the bus got stuck in some traffic and I couldn't call Hammer, or even know what time it was!

So, the bottom line--while my weekend in Washington was fabulous, it did not get off to a very good start.

To be continued...

In the Works

I have a TON to write about and practically no time in which to do it, as I'm leaving for California early on Wednesday morning. After that, you won't hear from me for a whole week. Whatever will you all do?

Anyway, a much longer post is in the works, but here's the rundown of the past few days:

FRIDAY:
Met two VERY strange people at Cheers, brought them home and did "medicine" with them all night long until 7:30 the next morning.

SATURDAY:
Hopped on a bus (still coming down and feeling like shit) and went to visit Hammer in D.C. On the way there, my cell phone broke, so I was "incommunicado" all weekend. We relaxed, watched movies and ate Ghanaian food in Adam's Morgan with her brother.

SUNDAY:
Shopped at a flea market, Hammer showed me around the museum where she works and we went paddle-boating. That night, I took the bus back to NY, arriving after midnight. Then I went to see Narc. (I can't help it, but I love him so!)

TODAY:
Lunched with Narc, had a voice lesson, bought a replacement cell phone and got my hair cut.

Details on all this to follow, either tonight or tomorrow...

lol!

Hyde

Love is in the Air (Again!)

First of all, I need to tell you all that my internet connection at home is down for a while. It's why I couldn't get this posted last night and why you may not hear from me for a few days... Anyway, I'm dating the post from last night--when I originally wrote it.

So it seems that there's a little commotion in blogland over what happened between me and Dan this week. I guess strange things can happen when "bloggers collide." (That was the title of someone's post, although I don't remember whose).

Anyway, the reason I didn't detail Monday night is because I don't remember much of it, and I can't speak to what I don't remember. One thing is clear though--I was irrefutably and irredeemably drunk and woke up the next morning with a headache and a few unexplained text messages from Dan. I spoke to him on Tuesday afternoon and as things seemed fine on his end, I decided to "scrap" the whole thing.

Tuesday night I took it easy and on Wednesday I stayed home the whole day with the minor exception of running a few errands. The heat was formidable and I just couldn't bear it. But by Wednesday night I had to get out of the house. I planned to go to Cheers for dinner and maybe a drink (maybe...). I hadn't had a chance to really catch up with IrishBird in quite some time and Wednesday nights are usually quiet over there. While I was getting ready to go, I got a text from Dan:

I'm going to get drunk now. Wanna join me? I could use some cheering up.

I hadn't yet heard his post about the mishap at Yankee Stadium, so I wasn't sure what was wrong. I wrote him back:

Where are you & why?

Dan called me back not long after, explaining what had happened and that he had just gotten off the subway. I told him that I'd meet him at Cheers at 8:15.

I got to Cheers shortly before Dan. While I was sipping my first drink of the evening, we changed seats so that he could get a better view of the Yankee game. We hung out there for a while, just chatting about various things. (Beer for him, jack and diets for me). PumpedUp and FightingMensch were both there, so I got to point them out to Dan. I ordered a shepherd's pie for dinner. It was delicious! At one point I checked my cell phone for the time. It was then that I noticed I had one missed call from Narc. I went outside to listen to the message.

Hey Hyde, it's Narc. It's about 8:45 on Wednesday and um... I don't know-- I'm just giving you a call. I'm sort of down here pacing around the apartment and um... don't really want to be alone right now and just trying to see if, um, I can avoid that somehow. So um, (nervous laughter), I thought I'd give you a call and see what you're up to tonight. Um, all right. Well, maybe I'll try you at home. Give me a call when you get this. Bye.

Shit. Narc drives me CRAZY. I literally feel like the guy makes me lose my mind. My first impulse was to call him back right away, but I resisted. He knows that I'm immediately available to him, and I wanted to try to play it cool and preserve a modicum of dignity. So instead, I went back inside and met Dan at the bar. I was shaken by the contact from Narc though and couldn't really focus my brain. I went to the ladies room for a breather. While I was in there, IrishBird came in. She caught me by surprise and I gasped. I did my best to ground myself and then once again, went back to the bar.

I don't know why, but Narc is like a drug to me. And as soon as there's the possibility of a "fix," it makes me crazy. There's some strange magnetic pull and it's nearly impossible to resist unless I've been so freshly burned that the pain is the foremost thing in my mind. Then Narc contacted me again. At 9:16 he wrote:

Call when you can.

I did my best not to call him back, but by 9:26, I couldn't stand it any longer. (Great, Hyde--your will power lasted you a whole 10 minutes!) I wrote him a quick text:

Out right now. You gonna be up for a while?

He didn't respond. 10 minutes later, at 9:37, I called him.

"What are you up to?" he asked.

"Out with a friend," I told him. "And I'm not sure what time I'm gonna be home." (I had told Dan that I wanted to be home by 11:00 because I was so tired that night and didn't want to make it a big drinking night. I didn't want to tell Narc that, though, because I still wasn't sure if I wanted to see him or not and the Dr. Jekyll in me was telling me to go home and go to bed according to plan.)

"Look," I said, "I'll give you a call when I'm in for the night, okay?"

"All right, but I hope it's not too late!"

We hung up and I went back to hanging out with Dan. At some point, NDN dropped by. I was talking to the man seated on my other side--a businessman named Chris from Tennessee, so NDN caught me by surprise. He pulled up a chair on Dan's other side and the three of us hung out for some time, laughing and having fun. I tried not to think about the whole Narc thing, but of course, it was hard. At 10:33, Narc texted me again:

Coming down yet?

I guess he assumed I was coming. That's the way Narc and I are... he's always the one who calls the shots and just by the fact that he wrote that to me, I knew I would be seeing him that night. At the same time, I didn't want to cut short my night with my friends on account of him. That just wouldn't be cool. So I waited 10 minutes and replied:

Soon, but not yet.

NDN didn't like the fact that I had agreed to meet Narc. I'm sure Dan wasn't happy about it either, but he didn't object or make any effort to stop me. NDN, on the other hand, was convinced that I had had too much to drink. He was being protective of me. I've told him in the past that once I start, I lose judgement about how much I've drank, and he didn't want to see me get burned again by Narc. IrishBird served me a drink "on the house" (probably my seventh or eighth) and NDN tried to take it away.

"Give it back!" I protested, reaching for the drink.

Instead, NDN spilled it over the bar, aiming for the sink on the other side. Well, that infuriated IrishBird. She came over to us and demanded to know what was going on. NDN tried to explain that he thought I had had too much, but IrishBird would have none of it.

"I'm not just her bartender, but I'm her friend!" she said. "I bought her that drink and I'm looking out for Hyde and it's up to me and my judgement to decide when she's had too much to drink. I know Hyde and she's fine!"

"Well, I don't think she's fine," NDN replied, "so I guess it's not very good judgement on your part!"

The two of them were hopping mad, and IrishBird kicked him out of the bar. NDN stormed out the door.

I turned to Dan. "Shit. What the fuck just happened here?" I decided to plead NDN's case one more time to IrishBird.

"C'mon," I began, "he's just looking out for me."

"Well, I'm looking out for you too," she said. "And no one's going to come in here and tell me how to do my job!"

She was really infuriated. She told me that NDN shouldn't come back until he was ready to apologize. It was no use... I wrote NDN a text:

NDN, I love you & you know that. I'm sorry...

He answered back:

I know that & feel the same, I am just sitting here & stewing in anger at IrishBird & her bad call! NO SHE IS NOT a good judge & she didn't "buy" the drink like she said.

Things were getting strange so I suggested to Dan that we leave. Besides, I knew Narc was waiting. At that point it was about 11:20. I called Narc on the way home to tell him I was stopping home for a few things and would be there soon.

Back at my place, I rang NDN's bell and he joined me and Dan as I got ready to meet Narc. (I had to shave, etc. and freshen up in the bathroom). After that, I sang two songs for them, but my voice was shit on the opera because of the booze. I also played Elvis' American Trilogy as per NDN's request. NDN headed home to bed, and Dan stuck around while I finished packing my bag. It's then that we had a somewhat "serious" talk, standing in my kitchen. Dan told me that he "loves me." I wasn't completely surprised that he has feelings for me, but I was surprised that he chose to express them in such strong words. I asked him how long he's felt that way and he said that he has been sure since Monday. I certainly don't want to belittle what he said at all, but I hope it doesn't have anything to do with the way that I behaved while drunk on Monday night. After all, I don't even remember anything after we left Manchester. Anyway, I'm glad (and impressed) that he was able to be so honest, but I wasn't entirely sure of how to respond. He knows that I am all tangled up in this Narc thing right now and I can't even entertain the idea of anything else, so we'll have to leave it at that. That said, I was very flattered. It's nice to hear something like that, especially after all of the bullshit I get from Narc.

Dan walked me down to get a cab and hugged me goodbye. While I was on my way there, I got a text from him. (At this point it was 12:21 am).

Thanks again for seeing me tonight. I feel much better now that I've told you how I feel. Have fun with Narc. I hope we can hang out again soon. I love you very much.

When I got to Narc's place, he answered the door in his boxer shorts. There were trays of Indian food out on the table.

"It's from my favorite place," he said. "I ordered it for you."

"I already ate dinner," I told him, "but I'll have a little."

I heated up a plate of food and joined him on the couch. After I finished, Narc put his legs up on my lap and I was rubbing them a little. I think Anchorman with Will Ferrell was on TV. Neither of us said anything about having sex, but he just had an enormous erection that was hard to miss. I took that as my cue. Five minutes later I was giving him a blowjob. Five blowjobs later, I was wondering why he wasn't initiating intercourse. I told him that I wanted him to fuck me.

"I thought we weren't having sex," he said. "I thought it makes you all emotional."

"What??? So what have we been doing?" I asked.

"Well, those are just blowjobs."

"Look, it's the same thing! Whatever... Just fuck me, okay?"

He didn't seem to have a problem with that. Men can be so dense sometimes!

We layed around talking for a while and Narc told me that he actually booked his six week tour of Europe. As it stands right now, he's set to leave on August 28th and he'll be back on October 5th.

"Damn it, Narc! That's a long time! I'm going to miss you so much."

"Miss me?"

"Yeah. I mean we've never gone that long. Do you realize how much we see each other?"

"Well it can't be that much."

"Yes it can. We're supposed to be 'taking time apart,' and yet I've seen you three times in the past week and a half!"

"Well, you'll be fine."

"I know. And you're going to have so much fun. Just don't forget to send me a postcard."

"Where do you want it from?"

"Your choice. Just don't forget."

(I know he's going to forget.)

I asked Narc what he's been up to the past few days. He told me that he's basically been doing "nothing."

"I was doing better for a few days," he said, "But today I got really depressed again."

He told me that he had been up all night Tuesday night and didn't go to bed until 8:00 am or so on Wednesday morning. Then he slept the whole day away on Wednesday. He explained that James' wife finally left town so he and James partied all night and stayed up drinking wine and doing coke. I told him his depression was probably from the after affects of the coke. In any case, he wasn't tired enough to get to bed, but I was. I was coming down off the alcohol and even though I had two more beers at Narc's it wasn't enough to keep me up. Narc popped a sleeping pill and we climbed into bed. It was nice sleeping next to him naked. I felt safe and fell asleep fast.

The next morning I opened my eyes at around 8:00. I felt sober and totally okay, but the room was literally spinning. It was weird. That has never happened to me before. I closed my eyes again and tried to go back to sleep. I woke up a second time at 9:00 am. This time I went to get water, brushed my teeth and combed my hair. Good. I looked a little more presentable. Then I climbed back into bed. At around 9:30 or 10:00, Narc's phone rang waking him up. He ignored the phone, but cuddled me a little and we ended up fucking again for an hour or so this morning. Then he got up and hopped in the shower, while I put my clothes on and plopped in front of the TV in the living room.

When Narc got out of the shower he came and joined me on the couch. I was just watching NY1 waiting for the weather. He flipped the channels, declaring that there was, as usual, "nothing on." Then he remembered that he had something TiVo'd especially for me. We have an old joke about Wuthering Heights. I re-read that book last summer and fell madly in love with it again. That was right around the time I met Narc. He laughed and said I would love a book like that because I'm so stormy and emotional. On several occassions early in the relationship when Narc brought me to tears, he would make fun of me and say that I was just being dramatic. He used to do this little impression and say "Oh, Heathcliff! Heathcliff!" It's hard to explain here, without being able to do the impersonation in person. Anyway, later it became a kind of affectionate joke about my moodiness. (Or maybe it was just a way for him to soften the impact of the emotional tears he so often provoked). In any case, Wuthering Heights has a certain meaning to us, and he saved it to watch just for me. I thought it was so incredibly sweet--sweet that he anticipted my visit and sweet that he thought of me when he saved it. We watched the whole movie together and ordered a pizza.

The movie, of course, made me cry and he thought that was cute. Afterwards, I lay there on his lap while he channel surfed again. We ended up catching the last quarter of Ghost which also made me cry. I felt rather pathetic. I mean, Wuthering Heights is one thing, but Ghost??? I mean, what's with me these days??? Narc couldn't seem to get himself moving for the day. I think it was the after-effects of the sleeping pill. So I offered him some Vivarin (which I always have on hand), and I think it helped a bit.

I had to leave just after 2:00 pm because I had a 3:00 pm voice lesson all the way uptown. Narc also had to leave to go see his analyst, only on the East side and a half an hour later than my appointment. He told me that he was planning on taking a stroll through the Neue Galerie after his appointment. I told him about my pact with Hammer to have a "date" at the Cafe Sabarsky once we each finish an incomplete. (I'm pretty sure I'm the one holding us up at this point!!!)

Anyway, when he walked me to the door he gave me a real hug and a kiss on the neck.

"See you soon!" I smiled.

"Yeah, sure." He seemed kind of blue.

I felt weird leaving there. I always do. It's like leaving some sort of dream world and reentering reality.

I made it to my lesson on time and suffered through the half an hour in that un-airconditioned apartment. At least the heat wasn't as nearly as bad as the day before. I guess I sang okay, but my body was really exhausted and I felt grimy. I still hadn't been home yet and couldn't wait to shower and change my clothes.

Back at home I went online to check my email and peruse the blogs and I read Dan's post and some of the comments there. I have to say, it's one thing to write about your own life on the internet, but it's altogether another thing when someone else is posting about you. It made me feel a little strange.

Later, I talked to B on the phone and then met my friend Nipkins for dinner. I got home not long ago and am debating whether I should go out for karaoke or stay in and get a good night's sleep. I think I'm going to opt for the sleep.

So that's it for now. I'm going to see Hammer in DC this weekend, so if I don't post tomorrow, you won't hear from me until Monday.

Hope you're all doing well!

Hyde

Bewitched (for LavaLady)

I thought the lyrics you posted were beautiful and remembered that you like this song, so I thought that in return, I'd give the whole AudioBlogger thing a go. Forgive the poor sound quality and the exhausted singer. Next time I try this I'll try to do something more polished. Now that I know how, anyway. Well, I'm off to eat dinner now. And maybe get a drink. (maybe...)

I Dream of Snowfall

Blanche:

How do I look?

Stella:

Lovely, Blanche.

Blanche:

I feel so hot and frazzled. Wait till I powder before you open the door. Do I look done in?

Stella:

Why no. You are as fresh as a daisy.

Blanche:

One that's been picked a few days!

IT IS SO HOT IN NEW YORK!!!

It is so hot that I can't bear to go outside! I took a brief walk to drop off my laundry this morning and I almost melted into a puddle. Ughh! Absolutely disgusting! I can't wait for the Winter to return. I painted my nails white and covered them in a layer of white glitter after that. Now, every time I look down at my fingers I dream of snowfall.

I've been in a very strange mood over the past few days. I feel like something is dying; something is ending. Maybe it's the Narc thing, but I don't think it's just that. To be honest, I'm not sure what it is or why I feel this way. I mean, there's been nothing unusual about this week. I drank too much on Monday night. I guess I forgot about my resolve to better plan out my drinking. It's okay, though, because I don't plan on partying much over the next two weeks. This weekend I may go down and see Hammer in D.C. and then I'm off for California with my mom and sisters. Hammer and I don't really drink a lot together, and I definitely don't drink around my family, so it should be enough to get me on track.

I haven't felt very sociable lately anyway. I haven't felt energized and I don't feel like meeting anyone new. There are too many loose ends floating about right now. So instead, I've been really pensive. And a million half-formed ideas have been tangled in my mind--mostly thoughts about why I don't live my life according to my own values and priorities.

I've been thinking about a conversation I had with Contessa over dinner last Friday. As part of our "Anxious-bashing" session, we talked about when Anxious told us that she kissed her Spanish professor. (That whole story is in my April 20th post--The Fuck Up) Basically, they used to go out together after class and she flirted with him all the time even though he is married. Then, one time he drove her home and they ended up kissing in the car. She presented the story as "oh no! What should I do?" when in reality, I know she was only telling the story to "show off" about her adventures. It really irritated me. It also upset Contessa but for very different reasons. Contessa said that the story made her feel "sick." That surprised me and I asked her why. She told me that she just "didn't need to hear" about one of her friends totally disrespecting someone else's marriage and that she didn't need to hear about some guy cheating on his wife. Contessa has always had more conservative values than I, but she stands behind them and has real respect for people and for committments. I feel like sex has become so "meaningless" to me and so it really struck me, what she said. It was refreshing to hear and I respect her for it.

Now we all know that I have pretty liberal views when it comes to sex and relationships, but there's a difference between having "liberal views" and using someone solely for physical pleasure. So much of what Narc and I have is only about using each other for pleasure. (Be it physical or emotional, it's always temporary and never deeply rooted.) Conflating sex only with momentary pleasure always devalues someone's humanity--very often my own. I know I'm a lot more complicated than I've been pretending to be in terms of my sexuality. It's hard for me to be measured about sex though. I feel like everything in this entire culture is geared towards stripping people down to their value as a commodity. All anyone asks is "what can that person do for me?"

I don't even know what I'm saying here. I guess I just feel like something is spiritually missing from my life-- something that I can't name, but that I know I heard in that conversation with Contessa. What she said revealed a valuing of humanity. That's what she engages in her relationships. I can't say the same for myself. In fact, the primary thing that has been missing between me and Narc over the past year is a respect for the "human-ness" of the other. I have never felt "whole" with him. I mean, he doesn't care at all about my needs, hopes, feelings, wishes, fears, accomplishments, etc. I'm just a sort of flattened symbol to him. I meet a certain set of needs. When he needs me, he calls on me, and the rest of the time I might as well not exist. In the end, isn't that all he is to me as well? Is it really HIM that I see and love? Or is that love just some sort of illusion I've created because I WANT to love? I don't think I see (and I mean SEE) many people as whole people for who they really are. Most people (friends included) I understand only in terms of the ways in which they come into contact with my life. With a few exceptions, everyone is understood and valued in terms of me. And while I don't take it to the same extremes as Narc, in the end, am I any better than he is for all of that?

One of the only people that I really SEE is B. We hung out together last night (and had a blast watching Jurassic Park on TV), and I realized that one of the reasons I love spending time with him so much--one of the reasons that I NEED him is that we see each other. Without that in my life I would just be desperately and existentially lonely. I love the way I feel when I'm with him, and sometimes I wonder why we ever broke up. I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore, but I love him with all of my heart. And when I have those thoughts I try to force myself to remember all of the misery from our life together. I have to constantly remind myself of it--he didn't love me in the way I needed to be loved just the way Narc doesn't love me in the way I need to be loved, even if they both still love me in their own ways.

I don't know... I feel like the end-result of all this is that I'm not treating myself as a whole person. And I'm not living by my values. I discard my priorities easily on a momentary impulse and it has been really bad for my sense of self. For about a year now, I've been treating myself like shit. I've been putting poisons into my body, I've been cavorting with people who refuse to acknowledge (or care about) my needs and I've been putting my work, my singing and all of my goals on the backburner. I haven't been keeping an orderly household and I haven't been keeping an orderly life.

What the fuck???

Anyway, I'm too tired and losing my train of thought. Besides, my Soap is on and I want to go watch it. I don't know what I'm thinking anymore. I only know that something is over, and something is just beginning. (Then again, isn't that always the case?)

And on top of it all is the heat. The heat that kills me. Ughh! Snow, snow, snow... Snow in the summer. It reminds me of last August when Narc did coke off my body. All of this heat is leaving me languid and soaking the city in the smell of death.

Quotes

Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it.

-Montaigne




When your face is hidden from me, like the moon hidden on a dark night, I shed stars of tears and yet my night remains dark in spite of all those shining stars.

-Jami

Summer Loving (or Not...)

Another long one... I wanted to post this sooner (as in yesterday), but I've been having major computer problems. Let's hope I get all of that resolved in the next day or two.

THURSDAY:

This has been an interesting weekend. Interesting and exhausting! I guess it all began on Thursday night. I really needed some down-time at home early in the evening. After ordering in some Chinese takeout, I talked to Hammer on the phone. I had plans to meet my friend NV over at Cheers but ended up running late because of the phone call. (It was worth it though. She and the Wizard were having some drama and we hadn't caught up with each other in quite a while!) I finally got out of the house and over to Cheers by around 11:00 pm.

NV and I had a great time. We sang the duet Summer Lovin' from Grease. At the end of the song, when the guy sings "wonder what she's doing now," BarMan told NV to sing "wonder who she's doing now." I laughed and said "I don't even know anymore," although we all know that's not true.

Anyway, after a while NDN showed up with two of his friends. I insisted that one of them later sing the duet from Dirty Dancing with me. (I was in that kind of mood that night). At one point, NDN and his friends left to get food. I was up on stage singing some Belinda Carlisle song when I noticed my phone ringing. Of course, I couldn't answer it, as I was singing, but when I looked down at the screen to see who was calling, my heart jumped up into my throat-- it was Narc. Since I didn't answer, he left a message and as soon as I got through with my song, I went outside to hear it.

In his message Narc said that he wasn't far from Cheers. He wanted to know what I was up to. I called him back. (Why? Because I really wanted to. Guess I'm not "cured" yet).

"Hey Narc, it's me."

"Oh, hi," he said casually. "I'm already in a cab on my way back to Tribeca."

"Oh. Well, what were you doing around here?"

"Was at the train station. Believe it or not, I'm on my way home from a Lyle Lovett concert out on Long Island."

"Oh." I paused, unsure of what to say.

"So?" he waited. "What are you up to?"

"I don't know, Narc... I mean, wasn't I supposed to be 'taking my time?'"

"What do you mean?"

"Well... Like you said in your text on Tuesday-- I should take my time because I still haven't figured this all out and my head is fucked up from all of it, you know? I mean, I'm just still so emotional and stuff..."

(God damn it! Sometimes he makes me feel so inarticulate!)

"Oh. Well, if you're feeling all emotional and shit then we shouldn't see each other tonight," he replied.

Suddenly I felt desperate for him to stay on the phone with me.

"Wait! But, I don't know... I mean, you're right. But I don't know..."

"Well, I'm heading down to the Tavern," he said.

"I can't come down there. I'm hanging out with friends right now."

"Okay. Well, if you're with your friends, you should go back to them."

"Well, yeah."

"Maybe I'll give you a call and we can check in later," he offered.

"Um, well...yeah, okay."

We hung up.

I went back into Cheers, where I found NV waiting. Soon enough, NDN and his friends returned as well. I told them all about my brief exhange with Narc. Everyone agreed that I shouldn't call him again. We were all fairly drunk at that point. NDN told me to turn my phone over to him. I laughingly refused and put the phone inside my bra instead. Part of me just desperately wanted to see Narc.

Just after 1:00 am everyone (except for me) decided to head home. After all--they all had to get up for work the next day. I found a seat at the bar and ordered another drink. Before long, I noticed I had another missed call from Narc. Ever since the thing broke, it doesn't vibrate and I never hear it ring in the noisy bar! I went outside to hear what he had to say.

"Hyde, it's Narc. Give me a call back. Just found out a friend of mine died."

What??? Now I was concerned. I called him back right away.

"Narc, it's me. What's going on?"

"It's crazy," he said. "Remember my friend Sal? The bartender?"

"Yeah..."

"Well, he had a heart attack. He's dead."

(Sal is Narc's version of IrishBird or BarMan. He works at Narc's regular hangout--the place he's been going to for years).

"I just got here and they told me," he said. "It's totally depressing here. I can't stay. But I don't want to be alone tonight either."

"You can always come up here," I said.

"Really? But isn't Cheers closing soon?"

"I don't think so. Besides, if they do, we can always go over to Manchester."

"Cool. Then I'm on my way."

We hung up and I went back inside the bar. I finished my drink and told IrishBird that Narc was on his way up. She was upset.

"Oh, come on, Hyde!" she complained. "I don't want to see his face around here again. And you shouldn't see him either! Just don't do it!"

"Well, he's already coming," I answered. "And if that's how it's gonna be, I think you should just give me my check."

She handed me the check and I grabbed it from her hand. I was pissed off, and it was pretty clear. I guess she realized she really shouldn't be telling me who I can and can't bring into the bar because she backed off.

"You don't have to leave," she said, taking the check back.

"No, really, it's okay," I said. "I want to go. Just give me the check back."

I paid and left, calling Narc on my way out.

"Where are you?"

"One block north of Cheers," he replied.

"Stay there. I'll be right there."

When I got to Narc I gave him a big hug. He was kind of bewildered. No one remotely close to him had ever died before.

"Why didn't we stay at Cheers?" he asked.

"'Cause I was trying to avoid someone there," I told him. (I just didn't want to tell him it's because all of my friends can't stand the idea of him!)

"Who?"

"Just someone... Someone from before you..."

"Whatever, I don't care," he said.

We walked over to Manchester and hung out there for a few hours. He was drinking doubles. I don't remember much of the conversation, as I was already pretty drunk myself. But I wasn't drunk enough to let everything go completely to hell. I asked where he was planning on sleeping--my place or his.

"I don't know. We'll see," he told me.

"Well, I don't know if it's such a good idea if you sleep with me," I said. "Remember--I'm still confused."

"I don't get it!" he exclaimed.

"Get what?"

"What you're so confused about! There's nothing confusing. I have been so clear and so consistent about us not being together."

"Clear and consistent?" I demanded. "Then why would you say that you love me? Why have you been telling me that you love me since October? What? Are you just a fucking liar?"

"No. Those weren't lies."

"Oh course they were."

"Hyde! You know that I love you!" he protested.

"Huh?"

"I DO love you. I HAVE loved you and I STILL love you," he said.

"Then why are you so insistent about us not being 'together?'"

"Because! It's just not a good idea. We're bad for each other. I've told you that before too."

"But how do you know that?"

"Look-- Don't you think I've thought long and hard about all of this?" he asked me.

"I guess so... And?"

"And? We're just BAD for each other. Hyde, you know that! If we were in a relationship we wouldn't do anything except hang out and drink. Maybe we'd do some drugs. And then we would just drink some more."

"I don't think so." I frowned. "That's not fair."

"I think it's true though," he said.

"Well, I don't."

In the end, though, what I have to accept is that my opinion here doesn't matter. He has made up his mind, and it's been made up since December. Suddenly, everything is completely clear to me. All of the times he's referred to me having some kind of "sickness," and what he said back in December about my life being "shit" all fits together. No matter how much he loves me, or what kind of energy there is between us, or how much he needs me, he has made some kind of "rational" decision that I'm not "relationship material." Now, no matter what has happened or how I behave, he's sticking to his guns. Everything that he's done is falling into place. It's not fair, but it finally makes sense.

FRIDAY:

The next thing I remember, it was 11:30 am and my phone was ringing. The answering machine went off before I could make sense of where I was, what time it was, or grab the receiver. It was Buke wondering if I would still be meeting him for lunch. Shit! I rolled off of Narc and grabbed the phone. I told Buke (who was mid-message) that I was hung-over and that I couldn't make it to lunch.

"Maybe we can get together after your meeting?" I suggested.

"Sure. I'll call you when I'm out."

(I hope he wasn't too annoyed!)

In the meanwhile, the ringing and conversation woke Narc up. He started to kiss me and we screwed around for an hour or so. He was being SO sweet-- kissing me and cradling me. I was so happy in the moment. (I can't help it that when I'm with him I'm in love, even though I hate all of this when we're apart). After a while, he went back to sleep and I got up to freshen up. I walked into the living room and it looked like a war zone. The dining room table was pushed to the other side of the room; one of the kitchen stools was overturned; clothes were strewn all across the room on the floor; bottles of liquor and an empty can of Red Bull were on the counter along with a half-filled ashtray. The bottom line--the room was trashed, and I don't remember ANY of it happening. Oh well! I straightened up a little, washed up and then climbed back into bed with Narc.

I fell back asleep for a bit before the phone rang again. This time it was my cell phone. I missed the call and went to check my voice mail. Before I could get to the new message, I had to pass through one message "marked for deletion." Of course, it was one of the million I have saved from Narc and he could hear himself through the receiver.

"You should erase that message already," he laughed. (After all, it was probably recorded three or four months ago by now.)

"No. I have them all saved," I said.

He didn't answer, but instead gave me a strange look. I didn't care. I wanted him to know how much all of this effects me.

We stayed in bed and had sex for a few more hours, finally getting up at around 3:30 in the afternoon. I called Buke back to find out what he was up to. As he was only a few blocks from my place, I told him to wait for me in my lobby. In the meanwhile, Narc and I got dressed and he looked up the address for the funeral home. Narc had cat-hair all over his pants because they had been left on the floor, and apparently my cat had made a bed of them. I couldn't find a lint brush, so I took a roll of scotch tape and spent 15 minutes cleaning them off for him. He wanted to drink a breakfast shake out of my fridge, but I told him they were all expired (along with almost everything else in my kitchen!). He drank it anyway, and it made me nervous.

Out in the hallway, waiting for the elevator, I felt really uncomfortable. There was a long and awkward silence. Finally, I spoke.

"I'm really sorry about your friend," I said.

As soon as I said it, I felt stupid. It was an odd thing to have said at that moment. Narc kind of laughed. It was a sort of half-laugh.

"Thanks, sweetheart," he said.

We didn't talk in the elevator because other people got in on the 16th floor. As we exited into the lobby, I saw Buke sitting in one of the oversized chairs. He had never seen Narc before, so he didn't realize that I wasn't alone.

"Hyde!" he called out.

I rushed over to give him a hug. Narc kept walking towards the door. He didn't skip a beat.

"I guess I'll see you," he said, as he went.

"Wait!" I turned and indicated for Narc to stay where he was while I finished hugging Buke. Then I went over and gave Narc a hug goodbye.

He laughed awkwardly. Then he left.

Buke and I headed up to a diner a few blocks North. It's literally been months since I've seen him or spoken to him, so it was kind of a strange encounter. We mostly talked about his most recent breakup. And of course--he was curious about Narc.

"That's him? THAT'S him?" he kept saying. "But he looks like such a nice guy!"

"What did you THINK he was going to look like?" I asked. "I mean, come on... He is a good person. It's not like I'm dating the devil!"

I thought it was strange that Buke thought he was going to exude "asshole-ness." Anyway, Buke was sweet and paid for my lunch. After that, we shared a cab across town. He was heading to Penn Station and I was going to meet Contessa near her firm's New York office.

Contessa and I settled in at a charming Italian/Portuguese restaurant for dinner. As I had just eaten lunch, I couldn't eat much. We had a great time though. We talked about her boyfriend and her overly involved parents for a while. Then we bonded over our shared frustration with Anxious. Contessa told me she's just about ready to "cut off" Anxious as a friend. I wish I could be that bold about people who make me feel shitty. It was cool to be able to mutually blow off steam that way though. Contessa told me to try to think about Narc the way she's been thinking about Anxious--if he's not making me feel good about myself, I shouldn't be wasting my time with him. I'm trying to hold on to that, but I still feel so conflicted.

When I got back from dinner, I just needed to relax. I called Sunshine and we talked for a while, which was really nice, especially as she's not continuing her blog right now. After that I went over to see NDN. By that time, I was actually getting hungry again and NDN fed me a pepper steak and some vegetables. I updated him on everything that had happened with Narc. By midnight I was exhausted and dropped off to bed.

SATURDAY:

The next morning I had to wake up early to meet NiS and his friends for a trip to Jones Beach in celebration of NiS's birthday. I left the house at around 9:00 am and went to the supermarket to buy sunscreen, soda, chips and beer. Then I met NDN and we headed to Penn Station together. Getting there proved to be slightly chaotic, as we couldn't find NiS at the train station, and it was nearly time for the train to depart. To make matters worse, I didn't have cellular reception in the station. Finally, we bumped into NiS randomly in the crowd and raced to the platform along with his girlfriend and his friend Rebecca.

Making matters even worse, once on the train, I couldn't find the ticket I had purchased in advance. I had to do a little "smooth talking" (a la NDN) to get out of paying for the ticket again. Hammer called and I talked to her for a little while on the train, filling her in on the most recent chapter of the Narc story. An hour later, we had arrived in Freeport.

NiS's friend Josh was supposed to come pick us up at the train station, but again, there was some wrinkle in the plans. After waiting 20 minutes, it was confirmed that no one was coming to get us. No matter. We got on the public bus and were able to use our city metrocards to pay. It was a perfect day for the beach-- sunny, but breezy and so nice to be out by the water!

We finally met up with Josh who had been reserving a grill and had a 16 pound of a bluefish (caught by his friend). Lighting the barbeque proved to be difficult, but once it was done, the bluefish and grilled vegetables were delicious. NDN had brought along a bottle of gin which no one else seemed to be drinking except for me. By 6:00 that evening, I had polished the entire bottle off along with a few beers. Oops!

After lunch we moved from the BBQ area down onto the beach. There I was embarassed by talking too loudly to NDN about some insane porn video Buke had described to me the previous afternoon. I was overheard by some of NiS's other guests and I'm sure they all got the strangest impression of me. (And they certainly think I have no shame!) By mid-afternoon I was pretty drunk off the gin and I decided I wanted to run into the sea. I was wearing jean capris, but dashed into the water anyway. It was beautiful and I had a great time. Making things even better, GoldenFinch appeared! She arrived while I was in the bathroom (the walk there, might I add, felt like 40 years of crossing the desert!). Her husband came too, and I was glad to see both of them!

We all stayed at the beach until dark, so it must have been after 8:00 when we left. NiS's girlfriend made a yummy birthday cake which we all enjoyed before piling into cars back to the train station. GoldenFinch and her husband dropped off me and NDN. We didn't get back to our place until at least 10:30 or so though, and I had a headache, as all of the alcohol had completely worn off and left me with a bit of a same-day-hang-over.

Before doing anything else, I had to stop by Cheers to leave a birthday present for ThursdayGirl (it was also her birthday on Saturday) and then I came back home to shower and change. Dan had invited me to a party at his friend's place in Brooklyn, but I was feeling really exhausted. I asked NDN if he wanted to come to Brooklyn with me, and he drank two cans of Red Bull in preparation. At that point, he had a lot more energy than I did. While I verged on telling Dan I couldn't make it, NDN convinced me to stick to the original plan. In the end, I mustered up all of my remaining energy and set off for Brooklyn just after midnight.

When we got there, we could hear the party going on from the street, and the front door was wide open. We walked in and up a flight of stairs to the second floor of a townhouse. There were a few people in the kitchen and another handful of people dancing in the living room. I scanned the crowd for Dan but didn't see him. I wasn't even sure we were in the right place.

"Do you know Dan?" I asked the guy standing nearest to me.

"No, I don't know any Dan," he replied.

I turned to consult with NDN. Neither of us could tell if we were at the right party. I asked a few more people, and finally one dancing girl said that she knew Dan and that we were, indeed, at the right party. I couldn't figure out where he was though. I sent him a text that we had arrived, but I didn't hear back from him right away. Without much else to do, and not knowing anyone there, we decided to head back home.

Leaving the party, out on the stoop, we passed two guys smoking cigarettes.

"If either of you knows Dan, could you just tell him that Hyde was here?" I asked.

They suggested we try the roof. At that very moment, I got a return text from Dan. Indeed, he was on the roof.

The roof setup is typical of NY brownstones--the type you have to climb up a ladder to get to. I tore my jeans on the way up, and was pretty aggravated. (They're one of my favorite pair!) Anyway, at least we finally found Dan!

Dan introduced me around to a bunch of his friends. It was very cool to get to meet them and they all seemed like really nice people. I'm only sorry that I didn't have more energy and wasn't in a crazy festive mood. (Maybe next time!) We hung out on the roof for a while, but I found it a little dizzying. Later we headed back down into the kitchen to get drinks. Dan's friend Mike gave me a copy of his demo CD, and while I haven't finished listening to the whole thing, it has a very cool sound. I'm impressed. I started to get really tired by around 2:30 am and knew I had to get up early the next day, so I had to cut out of the party before I really wanted to. Back at home, I fell asleep almost immediately. (I guess with the whole day spent at the beach, the sun really "sapped my strength!")

SUNDAY:

On Sunday morning, BigSis and Bro-in-Law picked me up at around 9:30 am to head out to Long Island. I hadn't seen my stepbrother in about two weeks, so I was anxious to see him again. When I got there, BigSis' in-laws, along with LilSis and JBC were already there, and my brother was sitting next to LilSis on the couch! It's the first time I've seen him out of his bed or wheelchair. He was talking a little more than usual (mostly just saying "yes" and "no") but he was really groggy. (I think it's from a new medication). He did say all of our names, though, and it was great to hear him say my name! Later, he actually partially walked 10 feet from his bed to the wheelchair! It's the first time I've seen him upright! I forgot how tall he is. The nurses held him on either side and said "move your foot!" and he would move the left foot a step forward. The right foot is on the partially paralyzed side, so they sort of pushed that leg and he dragged it forward. (They think he's going to be able to get movement back there, it's just really hard for his brain to do right now). Anyway, he was so proud of himself and gave all of us hugs while he was standing upright. It was an incredible moment!

After that, we left the hospital and headed over to my mom's house to sit by the pool and grill some food. While everyone was outside, I took advantage of the opportunity and sang and played piano up in the house. (Since the piano is in the middle of the house, usually I piss everyone off when I play or sing too loudly!) My mom has the piano in a really resonant place now and it's amazing to sing there. I don't have a lot of sheet music at her place anymore, but I did find the full scores to Boheme and Rigoletto, so I sang a lot from those. Later I joined everyone outside. My sister's niece and nephew were there too. They are SO adorable and always make me happy. JBC had a few friends come by as well. His friends are strange, but that's another story for another day.

One of the best parts of the day--my stepfather was actually in a good mood! Ever since the accident, he's been either a zombie or a grouch. But he was happy yesterday! He has a fantasy of building a waterfall to lead into the pool and was happily working on it all afternoon. Later, he enthusiastically showed me around the garden. He has some amazing things growing--peaches, plums, pears, zucchini, cucumber, tomatoes, lettuce, walnuts, and more. He's so proud of that garden. I LOVED seeing him happy and full of life like that again.

BigSis, Bro-in-Law and I headed back to the city at around 8:30. By the time I got home I was entirely exhausted from the long weekend. I fiddled around with my fucked up computer for a while and then went to bed. (Damn it! The computer is running SO slow!)

TODAY:

Today I met B for lunch up near Hunter. Then I headed over to a voice lesson. My voice teacher "doesn't believe" in air conditioning, so the lesson was slightly torture. But again, my voice was really strong and resonant, and my teacher gave me a lot of praise. All of that is going amazingly well considering all of the shit I put my body through. When I got home I watched Dr. Phil and then took my dress over to the tailor. I'm going to be a bridesmaid at a friend's wedding out in San Francisco in two weeks and I'm really cutting it close with the fitting. They said I should have the dress back by Friday though.

Anyway, I guess that's it for now. I feel like I'm so busy that this blog is becoming all "events" and very little reflection. But maybe it's better that way for the time being. After all, I don't want to dwell too much on overanalyzing Narc, and I just have some more waiting to do before I can "fall out of love" with him.

I hope the heat lets up (I hate the summer!) and I hope I can get my computer fixed soon.

Hope you're all well!

Until next time...