Through a Glass Darkly

So, last night resolved better than I thought it would, despite the fact that I got very little sleep. I did end up going over to Hammer's and had quite a nice time! When I got there, she was hanging out with Maximus who told me (again) what a beautiful voice I have. It made me feel good. I haven't seen Maximus since the night of Hammer's party, and as we were both drunk and high that night, and he crashed on my couch, I couldn't quite tell what he thought of me. Last night, he was nice and tried to encourage me about the whole sobriety thing. Hammer and I have been spending a lot more time together recently, and I think it's good for us. After Maximus left, we watched three episodes of Sex in the City (I can't STAND Kim Cattrall's voice!) and then Hammer got an IM from Mohawk. She was giddy and started writing to him. It was nearly 1:00 am, so I headed home.

(BTW-- B finally called me back which was a MAJOR relief. I get so worried sometimes).

Anyway, this weekend was nice, despite the anxiety I've had about quitting. (If I get through today, that's seven days!) On Friday, after teaching, I decided to hang around on the Upper West Side. NDN was sitting shiva for his grandfather and we had plans to go to synagogue that evening. I went up to the Columbia area and walked around and then made my way back down to 86th street to meet NDN. While we were waiting to get into the service, I made eye contact with a girl who looked very familiar. It turns out she was in my college choir. She was two years behind me, but as I was hyper-involved in the choir and on managing board every year, I knew everyone. We said our obligatory "hellos," but it was kind of "awkward," (for lack of a better word.)

The service was beautiful and uplifting. I have to thank Hammer for introducing me to that place over a year ago. There is such a positive spiritual energy there. It was a Kabbalat Shabbat service which is a ritual to welcome Shabbat as the "bride" of Israel. The service uses Psalms 24, 95-99 and focuses on Psalm 29 and the song Lecha dodi. Overall, it's about the majesty of God, joy in the universe and peace both within and without. It's entirely sung (which for me is the perfect way to tap into my own "spiritual realm") and I always feel renewed after attending. I'm thinking of going more often. For NDN, it was also a special service, as his grandfather has just passed away. :(

After synagogue, we walked over to Riverside Drive, entering the park at the 79th street Boat Basin for a stroll down the river. Having lived near Riverside Park for years, I've made it a policy not to walk around there after dark, so I was a little wary, but NDN assured me that he would "protect me." (I hope so!) We walked and talked along the whole stretch, finally exiting the waterfront at 57th street, catching a cab back to our place where we watched Saved! on TV. (Funny, how some people just mentioned that film on Alecya's blog!). It was a nice night... and a non-drinking night at that!

But as nice as Friday night was, I was not looking forward to Saturday morning. I had an appointment for my mom to come into the city to meet with me and my therapist. She has been really worried about me ever since I "confessed" my alcoholism to her, and in order for her to feel like she can step back and not be breathing down my neck about it every two seconds, we needed to form some sort of plan. I won't go into the details of our meeting, as it's not something I care to share here, but it was hard for me. I cried... my mom cried... but in the end, it was more business-like than I ever thought possible and I was quite relieved. More than anything, I was grateful for my mother. She is just amazing and I love her so much.

After the appointment we parted ways. I headed downtown to meet Bezoukhoff for another spiritual adventure.

Now, this may sound a little strange, but I have always wanted to know how to paint religious icons. I have always been attracted to medieval art and to a Gothic aesthetic in general. At one point, I was convinced that I wanted to become a master at stained glass. I took a class in making stained glass panels and came away with one very beautiful amethyst iris on an amber background, but keeping up that hobby was a little difficult. I bought a glass cutter and a sander and all of the necessary equipment, but I had no outdoor space in which to work, living in New York City, and so any kind of project requiring me to work with lead was not a real possibility. As such, the hobby petered out a few months later.

In terms of the icon painting, a few years ago, I bought a book on the technique of writing icons, and realized that it was something that I could do at home. Even so, I would have to invest a considerable amount of money in the wooden boards, tempera paints, gesso, clay, gold and brushes, and I never quite got motivated enough to start. Then, a year or two ago, Bezoukhoff was over my house and noticed the icon instruction book. He revealed that he had a passion for icons as well (and was quite knowledgeable about the Russian greats, such as Andrei Rublev) and he said that he would love to learn how to make them. So I did a little investigation and found The Prosopon School of Iconology right here in New York. There they teach the ancient technique of Russian and Byzantine iconography!

We had been talking about going for quite some time, and on Saturday we finally got it together to get over there. The studio is located in the Russian Orthodox Cathedral of the Holy Virgin Protection. (Strangely enough, the church is just half a block from Waikiki Wally's. I passed it with Flash the other day!) The studio is just downstairs from the church through a separate gated entrance. I have to say-- I was nervous, as I didn't know what to expect.

We were welcomed by a woman named Tatiana, a master iconographist. The studio room was light, fairly spacious, and there were three or four other people silently working at tables lining two of the four walls. Against the back wall, a bearded man knelt, scraping at a large panel depicting one of the saints seated with a scroll and a fish. The air was filled with incense and chant and in the center of the room, there was a table with a kettle of tea and bowls of raisins.

Tatiana gave Bezoukhoff and me each our own wooden panels already covered in gesso. Before we could begin, she had to explain to us the spiritual role of icons in the Orthodox church, and told us that what we would be doing was not "artistic expression," but rather, "meditative spiritual discipline."

In order to write an icon, one must first accept that "God has image," that man is made in God's image (and therefore God's image is literally within us), and that we can focus that image into creation-- into a tangible symbol-- the icon. Icons are "windows" to God.

I don't know how, exactly, to paraphrase what she was saying, but at the time, I could only think of it in terms of Derrida's Grammatology. (I know... boorishly academic, but bear with me...)

It's not Derrida's theory, in particular, that was useful to me in thinking about all this, but rather, the language with which he constructs his theory. Derrida talks about symbols as "signifiers"-- something exterior to the concept, or "signified." In logocentric theory, speech consists of "signifiers" (spoken words represent ideas), and writing signifies speech (written words represent spoken words which then represent ideas). Speech as signifier is "exterior" to the concept it represents and writing as signifier is "exterior" to speech. Derrida argues against logocentric theory, instead claiming that speech might also function as "signifier" for the written word. (Spoken words represent written words). Therefore, the "exterior/interior" relationship of written language to speech can be reversed. And therefore, The notions of "exteriority" and "interiority" necessarily collapse.

I think that a similar thing is supposed to take place in terms of how religious icons function. Icons are "exterior" signifiers of "God." Human beings are also "exterior" signifiers of "God" (if, as Tatiana pointed out, we are made in the image of God). In my analogy, the icon functions like Derrida's "written word" and man (the iconographer) functions like Derrida's "speech." As a person creates an icon, the icon becomes an "exterior signifier" of God's image in man. But the icon is also a direct signifier of God's image, the original. (The same way the written word can signify the spoken word, or the signified concept itself.) The icon reflects God's image in man, and man reflects God's image in the icon. Exteriority and interiority collapse here as well. Hence, the icons are not merely "exterior" representations of God, but are suffused with "God's image," itself (which Tatiana assured us, he has).

God, in this case, becomes the "transcendental signified," (which Derrida would say rests on the assumption of "presence.") Derrida uses the term "differance" to describe the relation between presence and absence, inner meaning and outer representation. In the icon studio, what I thought she was saying, was that the icon acts as the "hinge" to bridge "differance." It is not merely a "representation" or an "exterior signifier."

I don't know if that made sense to anyone at all except for me, but there it is... Sorry for being so dense and circular. I'm not claiming to fully understand Derrida or to fully understand the theological foundations of Orthodox iconography. Nevertheless, as Tatiana was talking to us in the studio that afternoon, that's the only way I could process the "metaphysical" relationship between God and the creation of icons, as she described it. It's still somewhat of a tangled thought for me.

Anyway, moving on...

Our first task was to learn about the symbolic meanings behind the materials making up our wooden boards. The board's length symbolizes the Tree of Life and the width represents the Tree of Knowledge in Paradise. The grain of the wood runs vertically to receive the Holy Spirit from the heavens. The indentation of the board or "covcheg" symbolizes the Arc of the Covenant. It creates a separate space for the icon-- Paradise, as opposed to the "Earthly" outer border. The board is covered by a linen cloth which symbolizes the shroud of Jesus. Then at least 10 coats of gesso is applied to the board, its whiteness symbolizing the "rest" or "nothingness" that existed before Creation-- potential... light.

They start off all of their students with an image of the Archangel Michael. Tatiana explained why, but I don't remember. We carefully transferred a drawing onto the board using carbon paper. Then we had to make any touch ups necessary. This all took quite some time because it had to be perfect. If any of the details were off, it was "incorrect," and there is no room for self-expression or deviation.

When that was done, we had to go over the entire drawing yet again with a sharp tool to etch shallow lines into the gesso. Finally, we were ready for some paint brushes. The first step was to fill in the halo and edge the borders with a mixture of red clay, honey and some other ingredients using a "floating" technique. It was important that there be absolutely no brushstrokes so that the human hand would not be visible in the work.

Believe it or not, by that point four hours had gone by and the studio was closing for the day. Our icons had barely begun to take shape, but we had to leave them there for another afternoon.

It was then, once my focus and concentration had lifted, that I realized that I hadn't eaten all day. I had a headache, and I was suddenly in a really bad mood. Bezoukhoff seems to have eternal patience for me, and he calmed me down while I ate an apple and we took a cab back to my apartment.

It took me a really long time to feel better. There must have been quite a scowl on my face... quite a furrowed brow! (But not in a sexy Byronic way! More in a cranky PMS way...) I played some piano and Bezoukhoff showed me some strange post-Soviet commercials on the internet. Still, I wasn't revived until I had swallowed two Vivarin and put on some opera. I needed a little drama... something to wrench my gut in excess after the afternoon of quiet contemplation. So I put on a few of my favorite "high-drama" scenes-- the end of Thais, the Cathedral scene from Faust (during which I had to dance around and occasionally punch Bezoukhoff in the arm), the storm scene from Rigoletto and the very last scene in Rigoletto.

By that point it was 8:00 pm. BarMan had invited me to hear him play at Cheers from 7:00-9:00. He was doing an acoustic "pre-karaoke" show with some of his own music and a lot of covers. While I promised him a few weeks ago that I'd be there, I wasn't sure that I should go since I decided to really quit drinking. I asked Bezoukhoff if he would go with me and sit with me at a table away from the bar, and if he would be the one to go up to the bar to get sodas for us. He agreed and we decided to just stay for an hour and to leave right away when BarMan was finished.

There was a new woman bartending. I had heard they were hiring, as PCuz is overextended on the weekends. It felt strange that I won't get to know her. It's like a new chapter in "Cheers" and I won't be there. Oh well... BarMan played well, as usual. Soon, IrishBird came in and gave me a huge hug. ThursdayGirl was there too. I was jittery. Glancing up at the bar, I knew everyone sitting there. I knew 75% of the people in the place! Like ducks in a row-- PreppyGirl, Candy, JerBer, SurgeonGirl, Manwich, etc. etc.

As soon as BarMan played his last song, Bezoukhoff and I headed for the door. I hugged BarMan goodbye. He knew why I had to go. Besides, I had plans to catch up on TWO WEEKS of missed 24 episodes with Hammer. (How did I live without Jack for two whole weeks????)

Bezoukhoff accompanied me down to the West Village before we said our goodbyes. Then it was all me and Hammer... and Jack. I have such a fucking HUGE crush on him!!! It was amazingly perfect. The episodes were great and I had fun with Hammer. But I knew it was going to be hard for me to avoid going back into Cheers on my way home, so I took two Valium before I left Hammer's place.

As I walked into my building, I had to clench my fists, my nails pressed into palms, leaving cutting marks. But I did it. And I was okay. I think I got to bed at around 2:00 am.

Sunday, as you all know, was Mother's Day! For me, that meant heading out to Long Island early in the afternoon. My mom picked me up at the train and then we got BigSis. It was a fairly standard family holiday. Me, my parents, BigSis, LilSis, Bro-in-Law, JBC, my grandpa... and then my Aunt and Uncle came over with their two daughters-- Jail and Jol. Jol is 19 and just broke up with her boyfriend that she's been dating since she was 15. Their family has major enmeshment issues and my Aunt was freaking out about it. She gave her daughter Klonopin without a prescription. Nuts.

Anyway, the "exciting" news of the afternoon was that two ducks made a home in my parents' swimming pool, and on Sunday laid an egg. My stepfather wanted to incubate it. We barbecued, but it was too cold to eat outside. All in all, it was a very nice family day. My mom drove me back to the train at around 7:00 and I was soon home.

And you know the rest from there! I felt anxious, posted, and eventually went to Hammer's place.

Anyway, this post took a long time to write and I'm hungry now and sick of sitting in front of the computer...

later...

-h-

Holding

I'm anxious right now.

I fucking hate this feeling.

I want a drink.

I'm thinking of Narc and wanting to kiss him. I really, really want to kiss him. I haven't heard from him since Thursday, but then as luck would have it, I magically found out that he's in Florida. When that happened I felt a little better.

I did a lot this weekend-- it was a spiritually "awake" weekend, but I don't have it in me to write about all of that right now. Right now I'm just anxious. And I want to relax and to feel Narc's lips on mine. That's the only thing in the world that I want. (Oh yeah... besides that drink...) I just want his lips. He has very nice lips. They're perfectly shaped.

B hasn't called me back since yesterday and it is VERY unlike him. Usually the longest it takes for him to get back to me is a few hours. I'm worried. I sent him a text 40 minutes ago asking, Are you okay? If he doesn't answer in another two hours, I'm going to get very worried. I'm going to make myself give it two hours, but then I'm going to freak out.

I'm anxious.

Did I say that already?

I just got back from Long Island for Mother's Day. I could have been a mother today. Stop it, Hyde. Don't think things like that. I remember last year at this time. Things were so strange. I remember last year when Narc went to Florida. It was the first day of June. I'm anxious.

Hammer invited me down to her place to hang out with her and Maximus, as I'm feeling a little "out of sorts." It might be a good idea to go. Then again, I have to be up at 6:00 am tomorrow. Maybe it's not a good idea to go.

I feel like I'm about to get depressed. I kind of want to chain smoke and listen to depressing music. Can I do that without drinking? I wonder what it would be like...

I have trouble sitting still, but I'm so tired.

More on the weekend tomorrow. There were a lot of beautiful things... A lot to tell about. But I can't right now. I'm too anxious. And all I can think of is kissing Narc.

So here I am... five days in and holding.

-h-

Life Beyond Narc?

Hammer says there's life beyond Narc.

She has forwarded me the following posts from Craigslist:

Good girl........secretly a SUBMISSIVE SLUT
http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/m4w/159434251.html
Date: 2006-05-10, 2:35PM

SEEKING SUBMISSIVE FEMALE FOR A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP
http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/m4w/159469214.html
Date: 2006-05-10, 4:04PM

I don't know about those... But reading Craigslist has posed some strange logistical questions, as to how people actually carry these things out. After one ad that we read, as Hammer put it--

What, are you gonna say to the doorman "let a creepy stranger in. we're playing rape"??

Anyway, it's all given me a few good laughs.

In other news, I'm having blog-malaise. Anyone know of any good cures?

I went to the doctor this week and got my bloods back. The results? My kidneys are fine (hooray!), but my liver has two enzymes that are increasingly fucked up. That should be fixable, but my insulin is through the roof! (But then again-- that should also be fixable.) I'm now on some "medical food" for the next two weeks and off of alcohol. (I know you don't believe me, but I don't care). Today is day 4 and counting...

In terms of Narc, while Hammer's Craigslist finds are oh so enticing, ;) I can't help the feeling that life beyond Narc is not about to begin for me just yet. Why should it, anyway? Dealing with boys is only number five on my list of priorities, and I have much too much else to take care of right now.

After I texted him on Tuesday night, I sent him a little "happy birthday" email on Wednesday. Then I came home and saw Chris Daughtry voted off Idol. Narc and I were both sure that Daughtry would win, so I sent him another text: Call me when you see idol results!

I didn't hear back from him until yesterday evening when he wrote: Fucking fuck. Didn't call it this time I guess... and then he called me.

We spoke for a few minutes. He said that he went to see a play with ModelChick (his ex) in the afternoon on his birthday and then he went out bar-hopping with friends that night, ending at the Patriot. I laughed at that.

I told him that I'm off drinking for the foreseeable future because I'm "on a diet." (It's easier to put it to him that way, and not have to have him argue with me that I'm not an alcoholic and that alcoholism isn't a disease and that I don't need to stop drinking.) He said that he means to lose weight too and should probably give up drinking for a few weeks as well.

"I would have done it this week, except my friend, LA-friend was here. And then I had my birthday," he explained.

"Yeah, I would have done it last week," I agreed, "except that Flash was coming."

I realized Narc had been out drinking every night since I had seen him on Friday. Is that my life too?

He invited me to come down and see him, again with limits.

"Come hang out," he said. "But I may have plans with some friends at around 9:00."

"Narc, it's nearly 8:00 now," I said. "That doesn't make sense. Why don't you just call me later when you know whether or not you're going out?"

In the end, we were both tired and never ended up meeting up. Instead, I caught up with NDN for a while and then went to bed.

All of that aside, this has been an excruciatingly hard week for me, starting on Sunday (despite the fact that Flash was still here then). As I already said, it was the anniversary of my dad's death on Sunday, and I ended up getting into a huge fight with my sisters.

This whole week and even right now I've been riddled with feelings of guilt and fear that are difficult for me to sort through and even more difficult to write about.

On Wednesday I started obsessing about drinking smack in the middle of my choir rehearsal. By the time choir let out, the anxiety was overwhelming me, as I had made the decision not to go to Cheers, but I couldn't sit with that decision. That night was torture. I called my mom and we spoke for an hour, the conversation interspersed with more tears. I do have to say, though, I have the most wonderful mom imaginable. I'm serious-- I couldn't even dream up a better one!

Nevertheless, when we hung up, I still felt anxious. So I took two valium, a candlelit bubble bath, some hot tea and I listened to soothing music. Even still, I had trouble getting calm. Only after nearly an hour in the bubble bath, at around 1:00 am did I start to feel more sedated... drowsy. So I quickly shifted to my bed, to try to take advantage of the moment. I fell asleep without too much trouble after that.

Anyhow, that's it for now, I guess... I really feel like I have nothing in particular to share. I don't know. I feel like the energy on my blog is low... from me and from my readers. It happens... So I may take longer breaks between posts. Not sure...

Hope everyone is having a happy Friday. I know I am, if only because this is the last Friday I have this crap teaching schedule! So I'll end on a good note... Yay!

love,
h

Change

He was born in the summer of his 27th year
Comin' home to a place he'd never been before
He left yesterday behind him, you might say he was born again
You might say he found a key for every door

You might not hear from me quite as much this week. A lot of stuff has to be sorted out and I feel a bit of the need to retreat into myself in order to do it.

It's time though...

It's hard to break certain patterns when blogging about them is part of the pleasure. But I'm still here. And I'm sure I won't be able to resist posting at least a little bit.

love,
h

Make New Friends (but Keep the Old?)

How sad! My Flashy visitor is gone! I miss him already, but without his wonderful company it should give me more time to obsessively blog again. He was really a most gracious guest and a lot of fun. I know that Hammer feels the same way.

(Flash, NY just won't be the same without you!!!)

So where did I leave you all? Ah, yes. On Sunday night-- my long talk with Flash, dinner at the Manchester and Sunday night cartoons!

It was (relatively) early to bed on Sunday as I had to be up bright and early for Monday morning teaching, after which I met Flash "at David Blaine" and we headed to the planetarium. I hadn't been there in a really long time and it's an awesome part of the museum, except for the fact that there were too many school kids running around. The best parts of that excursion (aside from my companion)? The new space show-- Cosmic Collisions and the fact that I got to eat some "astronaut ice cream," not enjoyed since childhood!

After the planetarium, Flash went back to Cheers to watch another Leeds game, and I went home to rest and to blog. Several hours later, I was still on the computer when Flash returned happy from the beer and singing me a song. Leeds had won! Yay!!! After that, we just hung out for a while, talking and watching TV in anticipation of "24-night" with Hammer.

I usually like to stop in at Cheers on Monday nights starting at around 7:00, when BarMan comes on duty, so Flash and I did just that, sipping drinks and munching on chips. Before long, Hammer joined us. It was then that our 24-night started to get sidetracked. We decided to eat dinner at Cheers, as Hammer was famished after ballet, and we all started drinking a bit heavier (especially me, forgoing my usual "doubles," instead ordering triple and then quintuple shots of jack mixed in with my diet coke.) When ThursdayGirl arrived, we all had to cheer for her, as she had just received her Master's degree that morning. She showed us all a new tattoo she got on her lower back. The conversation among Hyde, Hammer and Flash? Mostly sex. We were laughing up a storm.

Then, some friends of ThursdayGirl's arrived. The boy had a stubble moustache that was too dark, even though Hammer found his energy attractive. The girl told Flash that he was "hot." He was most pleased. One of the Nigerians was there and offered Hammer some chicken wings. Later, one of the Ohio boys I met on Thursday night showed up. Hammer thought he was a lurker and a moocher and didn't like him. I was too drunk to care and bought him a shot. Hammer was saying some really funny things. I had to write them down on napkins and stick them in my bra.

By this point in the trip, Flashy had met nearly all of my main blog "characters," (except for B), but he still hadn't seen Anxious. Hammer encouraged me to send her a text.

What are you up to? I wrote.

As luck would have it, she was on her way to Cheers to meet BulgarianGuy! How fortuitous for Flash! Now Flash was able to envision in all its glorious detail the infamous "Anxious-Narc Masturbation Incident." Having met all the players and having been in my apartment, he said he found the whole thing even more difficult to believe!

Hmmm... details on the rest of our time at Cheers gets blurry for me. The point is that we were all laughing quite a bit and having a really good time. A proper way to spend Flash's last night with us! It was becoming more and more clear that 24 was just not going to happen. When the bar closed up, we headed back to my place. Hysterics ensued. Hammer hung out for a while, and when she left, Flash and I crashed out on the couch and smoked a joint. It was then that I got another call from Narc. I think it was nearly 3:00 am.

Narc was drunk and wanted to see me. I know what you're all thinking... I also know that I have very little resolve when it comes to Narc. But I have much more resolve (this time) to quit drinking, and I think that my relationship with Narc without drink will die like a fish out of water. Needless to say, I "tottered towards the door," (as Flash put it) and went to see him.

Narc was super intense (and super drunk). He tore my clothes off me at the door (the napkins with Hammer's notes went flying out of my bra!) and it was more of the same from there.

"I love you. I love you so, darling," he kept saying, over and over again. "I love you, I love you, I love you!!!"

Can I help it if I'm a little incredulous? I think I'm still okay, but too much of this is going to fuck with my head again big time.

Anyway, we probably fell asleep at around 5:00 am and I set my cell phone alarm for 8:30 the next morning. I had to keep an appointment with my therapist. When the alarm went off, I reached up and grabbed it quickly so that it wouldn't wake him up. Unfortunately, in doing so, I forgot my charger which was plugged into his wall.

After therapy, I still felt awful from the night before, my veins surely a river of whiskey. Flash had already eaten breakfast and I wasn't up for our proposed shopping trip, so he headed for 34th street, while I collapsed on the couch in front of the television. I only had a few hours to rest my body before getting dressed for my cabaret that night.

When Flash got back from shopping, he had a little present for me! An Elvis edition of Monopoly! It was so sweet and thoughtful. (Thanks again, Flash!). We sat and talked for a little while before NDN stopped by with a bowlful of ice cream. He had some funny stories for us, including an attempt to rent a porn video with his mom present and a pipe dream of going to North Korea this fall. After NDN headed back to work, it was time for Flash and I to say our goodbyes. It's amazing how quickly the five days passed. His visit has also strangely impacted the way I feel about blogging, although I can't quite articulate how...

The rest of Monday I spent continuing to recuperate, eventually dressing for the evening's show. NDN stopped by again with some very sad news. His grandfather passed away. I gave him a big hug. Poor NDN. NDN and I both lost our fathers much too young, and I think that loss-- any loss-- has an especially hard impact on someone once you've been through something like that. His grandfather was certainly a character! I knew that from the time NDN told his grandfather about our trip to Scores!

After he left, it was back to dressing. With all of the weight I've gained over the past two years (and it's finally starting to get to me), going through my wardrobe and trying to find something in which I felt sexy/pretty was no easy task. In fact, it sucked. But I managed to put something together and got my makeup and hair into a satisfactory state. I was off!

In the cab on my way to the show, my phone rang. It was Narc calling from his home phone.

What the fuck is going ON with him?

He started to tell me about how he had been out to Brooklyn that morning to scope out a place for his film shoot. The place is "far from perfect," he said, "but it's manageable." He was talking to me as if there is nothing strange between us.

He's an even better compartmentalizer than I am. Fucking incredible!

Then he pointed out that he had my cell charger.

"It's not the end of the world," I said. "I have a second charger, but I do need that one back at some point in the next few days."

"Well, I'm going out with LA-Friend tonight at around 9:00, but if you want to come over here now, we could hang out for a few hours..."

"Narc, I can't. My cabaret, remember?"

"Oh yeah. That's right."

He paused.

"Well, LA-Friend and I are going to be out and about probably between 9:00-is and 11:00-ish, if you want to meet up."

"Okay. So I'll text you when I'm out of the show."

We hung up, and I made my way to the piano bar.

I was one of the first few there, and so I warmed up a little. The other performers were even more nervous than I was. I have to say-- I miss the kind of anxious energy that goes around before an ensemble production. It's the "electricity" of theater. I haven't felt it since I used to do community theater back in high school.

The show itself was fun. I wasn't thrilled with my first song vocally (as I miscalculated a note a little bit), but B knows my voice better than anyone and he was there and said that it was so emotionally and musically personal that he had trouble even looking at me while I sang. (The song? "As Long as He Needs Me"). So, vocal imperfections aside, I guess it was a pretty powerful performance. The second song went perfectly, and as for the third... I came out in a boa for "Big Spender" and blew everyone away on the vocals. I still felt a little uncomfortable "letting loose" on stage, but I did the whole show with no drinks to calm my nerves, so I was proud of myself for that.

My family took up a huge table in the center/front of the room. With the stage lighting, it was difficult to see far beyond the closest tables, but I could see my mom and B easily. The other girls kept asking backstage who "that guy" was in the front row.

"I keep singing to him!" they said, needing a man to play off of for the love songs, or the sexy songs.

B told me that he's never gotten so much female attention in his life!

After the show, my mom and my sisters gave me flowers. We gathered outside the bar and everyone came up to me with praise. Most people were saying I was the best of the group--even strangers! And although I felt shy, it also felt great. One of my classmates pulled my mom aside and told her, "We've got to get this girl on Broadway! Make her do it!"

When my party finally dispersed, B and I went to get a cup of coffee. He said that Anxious had come to see me too, but I missed her in the audience. Then, when I turned my phone back on, there was a text from Narc:

What's the name of your song again?

So... he was talking about me to a friend? I knew he was referring to "Big Spender," so I wrote him back, but I never heard from him after that.

"Don't go out with him, Hyde!" B reminded me. "Isn't today supposed to be day-1 of sobriety? How are you going to manage that if you go and meet Narc in a bar? Just go home and relax. Get some sleep for once! God knows, you need it!"

I agreed, and so B and I shared a cab uptown.

Back at home, I felt a little anxious. I wanted to go to Cheers to say hi to IrishBird, but I didn't want to drink. I figured I would stop in for one soda and then leave. I probably shouldn't make a habit of that, given that I'm really resolved to quit, but I managed to get away with it last night. The bar was pretty empty, so it gave me a good opportunity to catch her up on all of the events of the weekend. She was intrigued by how I know Flash and told me, again, that she thought he was a great singer. She also couldn't believe that I had seen Narc again. (She likes to call him a "walking hard-on.") We laughed about the fact that Narc had said to me "you're not allowed to wear clothes in this apartment anymore." Whatever... I also told her a bit about the fight I had with my sister on Sunday (there's nothing like confiding in your bartender!) and after half an hour and two diet cokes, I headed back to my place.

So, it was relatively early to bed for me! At 11:52, just before climbing under the covers, I sent Narc another text:

Going to bed now. But in 8 minutes I'll be sending you a good wish for your birthday! Nite...

(Narc is turning 30 today). I didn't hear back from him after that either. Although, this morning when I woke up, I had a message from him sent at 2:50 am:

All ELVIS on "IDOL"!!

Hmmm... I can't be stupid about this and get sucked back in. I HAVE to protect myself emotionally. But, I'm just so fucking bad at it. I keep telling myself that I'm okay... that I just need to take it one thing at a time...

So here are my priorities for the moment:

#1: Get off the alcohol. NOW.
#2: Get my food/blood sugar stuff back under control and lose some weight.
#3: Get my incompletes done.
#4: Find a summer job.
#5: Deal with the Narc situation.

Boys just can NOT be first on my list right now.

Anyway, that's it for the moment. I'm meeting Hammer for lunch in a little while. It was sad to wake up this morning and not see Flash on my couch. The two things he said that surprised me the most? What a fussy eater he is! And that "You'll Never Walk Alone" is the theme song for the Liverpool Football Club. Wait.... What?!?!

All in all, I feel like I have a new friend out there-- one who is not just friends with "Hyde" but with the real me. It's nice. So thanks for that, Flash. And thanks for being such a wonderful guest.

Hope you are all well!

love,
h

The Bender

Last night was a real bender. A 24-night gone astray! A lot of drink and a lot of laughs were had. It was my last night to party with Mr. Flashy. I'm sad! Hammer and Flash and I lived it up at Cheers and then back at my place. Only, there was too much drink on my part. Way, WAY too much. And then a joint. And then some Narc. Narc was in intense-mode.

...more on all of that later...

I've got to say goodbye to Flash today. :(
But then I've got my cabaret! :)

Life's just like that, I guess...

The Surreal Life... Explained!

By now, I hope you've all checked out Flash's marvelous posts and read about our comings and goings over the past few days! Even so, I'm hopelessly addicted to blogging so with the little time I have to write, I'm going to try to give you my own account of the weekend.

As you know, Flash and I had a fabulous time at karaoke on Thursday night. It left me hungover and hopelessly exhausted on Friday, pushing through my murderous teaching marathon. When I finally finished for the day, I met Flash at Cheers where he was watching the Leeds game and we both chowed down on some roast beef sandwiches.

After that we came back to my place to "decompress" and put together our plans for the evening. We watched some mindless television and Flash heard the last few tunes out of his iPod before it died. We've as of yet been unable to recharge it! :-(

NDN stopped by (as he is prone to do) and announced that he had made some Russian friends in the building and that there was going to be a roof party that night. We agreed to stop by, but I really wanted to take Flash downtown and show him some of NY's different neighborhoods. Our destination for the evening? The East Village.

While we were getting ready to go out, we each did a few lines of "medicine"-- the last of my stash! I think that's I'm not going to buy anymore and that that's going to be it for me for a while. Flash said he was honored to be there for the end of it.

It was a gorgeous night and the breeze up on the roof coupled with the city lights were just perfect. NDN was getting drunk with his newfound friends, so we just said a quick hello and headed downtown.

Walking along St. Mark's Flash told me of some of the musical triumphs and disasters in his past. We passed McSorley's Ale House which I pointed out to Flash (as one of his readers recommended it), but it was very crowded and I wasn't feeling up for crowds-- still a little residual anxiety from the coke, as we hadn't been drinking with it. So, we pressed on.

Heading down past the Anthology Film Archives, we eventually settled at Waikiki Wally's. It's a Hawaiian themed bar that I had been to several times with Narc in the winter of 2004-2005. The walls are climbing with plants, and lit with rainbows, and wedged into the back corner of the room is an elaborate waterfall. The plexi glass bar is lined with bamboo stools and is decorated with some strangely modeled surf and sand. Our drinks were served with an orchid and the back room was home to a night of "transexual karaoke."

Flash and I pulled up two stools at the bar and set about drinking and talking. He did most of the talking, and I got to hear about many of the Flashy-characters and some very interesting stories from his life. Then we drank some more (and some more... and some more!). In the course of conversation, Flash let it be known that he was particularly enamored by one of the candlelit bathrooms and could imagine some "alternate uses" for the space.

Meanwhile, NDN had been drunk-texting me throughout the evening, asking for "the pot number," as well as telling me: YOU are Hyde!!! and Menya zovut NDN!! It was a pretty steady flow of NDN-style drunken humor. So, you could imagine my surprise when my phone buzzed and it wasn't NDN, but rather, I saw the following:

Out in E Village, but may jet soon if you want to hang.

WHAT?!?!??!?!

I nearly fell out of my chair. Wait... Maybe it wasn't nearly. I think I did fall out of my chair. Of course, it was from Narc. I had taken his number out of my phone, so his name didn't appear with the message. But it was him alright! Fuck it, you guys. I don't know what's wrong with me. I thought I was getting over him. But here it was-- one stupid little text and I was literally jumping up and down for joy. I was giddy and my heart was pounding unbearably. I think that Flash was rather shocked at the extremity of my reaction. But I think it helped him understand things a little more. And there it was. I ran into the bathroom to try to calm myself down.

And then I wrote back: @ Waikiki Wally's with a friend.

N: Am a few blocks away. Can drop by unless you're on a date or what not.

H: Not a date. My blogging buddy...

N: Am on 11 and B but will leave soon. Should I come by?

H: Sure. If you want... :)

Maybe I shouldn't have invited Narc to join us (poor Flash!). Maybe I should have taken my own self-interest more to heart. But at the time I cared for nothing except to see him. I hadn't seen him in nearly an entire MONTH! (The last time was at 4:20 am, April 12th.)

Flash said that he wasn't quite sure how to deal with meeting Narc.

"I've been given specific instructions about what to do, should I see Narc," he explained.

He wanted to sock him one and call him a "twat." But given that he could see how excited I was, he didn't want to do anything that would upset me.

"Don't worry," I said. "Nothing's going to happen bewteen me and Narc. I'm gonna act like I don't care. I'm just going to play it cool. And I'm definitely not going to sleep with him!"

"I bet you will!" Flash laughed at me.

"No! No, I won't!"

The bet was on. (Too bad for Flash, we only bet $5! I still haven't paid up, have I?)

Anyway, in the meanwhile, I wasn't sure if Hammer was coming out to meet us or not. I sent her a text to apprise her of this latest development. Nearly an hour came and went and still Narc didn't arrive. I begin to sink from my initial state of elation. I sent him another text: ?

Finally, Flash spotted Narc at the door. (He recognized him from a picture I had shown him). I SO wanted to play it cool. Apparently, so did Narc. And he wasn't alone! He came in with three other people-- LA-Friend and two others. (How strange.) As they entered the bar, he didn't seem to see me, or perhaps he pretended not to. He looked right past me.

"Hey!" I called to him, playfully punching him in the arm. "What's up?"

"Oh, hey..." he said, as casually as could be. He leaned in and gave me a kiss by brushing cheeks.

WEIRD...

His eyes looked drunk to me, but he sounded okay. I introduced him to Flash.

"So, we're going to go get a table," he said. "We can let you guys do your thing and stay here... I mean... well, erm... you're welcome to join us, if you like..."

And with that, he was off. He just walked away! I was a little confused.

Why would he come into the bar and give me an awkward greeting and then walk away and sit on the other side of the room like that? Why was he ignoring me?

Flash reassured me that he obviously came to that bar specifically because I was there, so he obviously wanted to see me.

"Yeah... but they're sitting all the way over there! What should I do?"

Flash suggested that I go to the restroom (not far from where Narc was sitting) and try to start a conversation on my way back.

"I can't believe I'm helping you with this!" he said.

So, I got up and headed for the bathroom. On the way back, I stopped at Narc's table.

"So... how have you been?"

He introduced me to all of his friends and encouraged me to sit down. I pulled up an extra chair and went back to get Flash. Once we were all settled, I was seated next to Narc on the sofa. It was so strange for me. We were sitting so close together that our legs were touching and our arms were touching, but he was acting as if I were a neutral person-- a casual acquaintance.

I don't know if that's good or bad... or either...

So, Narc was on my left and Flash on my right. Before long, everyone at the table got invested in some conversation about the viability of communism, and then about Darfour, which I stayed quiet about for a while. When I finally put my two cents in, Narc said something that surprised me.

"No, seriously! Listen to her!" he said. "She teaches this stuff. She knows what she's talking about!"

Aww...

In the meanwhile, Flash and Narc weren't really talking. So I tried to bridge that gap by pointing out that they both have recorded music electronically. For a while they talked about different recording programs and then somehow got into a discussion about the best format for recording. Narc was making an argument that records sound better than CD's based on the way that they actually format music. Flash thought it was a ridiculous statement, in terms of sound quality.

"You just need the right equipment," Narc said. "I have a $35,000 stereo-system and it really plays records the right way."

Uh oh... Narc was being a bit of a "wanker," shall we say? I kicked Flash under the table.

He didn't make a big deal of it, instead pointing out that for all intents and purposes that kind of equipment was not available to the average listener, so functionally speaking, CD's are much better.

Periodically, Flash went out for a smoke. I tried to talk to Narc to see what he has been up to for the past month. It was strange-- he gave me the "party line"-- the official "Narc is an accomplished film director" story. It was Narc as he presents himself to "outsiders." He said that he is about to go into production, and that he's decided to build all the sets rather than film on location.

"PopStarChick and I found a space for the shoot," he said.

(So... he's been hanging out with her, I guess...)

"I was supposed to go see it this morning," he went on, "but I missed the meeting-- was out late last night partying with James."

"What about your fundraising?" I asked.

"Oh, that's all taken care of."

What? So in the past month he's managed raise hundreds of thousands of dollars? Huh???

Then he started telling me some strange story about how James stole all of his money.

"I took all the money I had left in the bank out at the ATM yesterday," he said. "It was about $400 in total, and James and I went out partying. It was a crazy night."

"Sound like fun," I said.

"Yeah, but then when I woke up in the morning James was gone and he had taken all my money."

"What?!? Your friend stole your money?"

"Yeah... I called his wife to ask for it back, but you know how she hates me and she's crazy. She refused to return it. So now I'm broke again."

I didn't know what to make of this story.

"So... Narc... Is Couchy still staying with you?"

"No. He's been gone for about a week. He's in Dublin now."

Later on he started to tell me about some hot model that he met (named Danielle) who works at a hip new restaurant as a bartender, bringing in $500-700 a night in tips.

Whatever... Same old, same old typical Narc...

After a while, LA-Friend and the others moved over to the bar, so it was just me and Flash and Narc left at our table. Then the two boys went outside for a smoke. (Talk about surreal!!!). I went back up to the bar and ordered another round of drinks for the three of us. But then I got nervous about what Narc might be saying to Flash, so I went outside too. Narc's friends weret here and told us that they were taking off for another bar called Sin. Since I had just ordered us drinks, we decided to stay. Narc told them he would meet them there in a few.

As soon as they had gone, he told me that he had changed his mind and that he didn't want to meet his friends after all. Instead, he wanted to go with me to the Patriot.

(Keep in mind, he was out of cash, which meant it would all be on me).

I agreed.

(Not surprising. Not wise. SO Hyde.)

Flash was getting tired and said that he had enough to drink (it was around 3:30 am) so he took a cab home and Narc and I set off for Tribeca.

As we got into the cab, I put it bluntly--

"You're not going to send me home at 5:00 am this time?"

"Um, no..." he seemed embarrassed. "You can crash at my place, if you like."

He always has to hedge everything like that. Ugh!

We didn't end up staying at the Patriot for long. After only four drinks each, it was past closing time so we headed for his place. By this time, I must have had 15-18 and I was drunk.

Back at his place, I stretched out on the couch with my head in his lap. He turned on Real Time with Bill Mahr. Wesley Clark was on talking about something or another, but I was too drunk and too tired to follow politics. Somehow a piece of carrot cake materialized and Narc fed me a piece of it with his fingers. It was weird. It was also the best cake I've ever tasted.

Then, "Bed." Narc announced.

He has a habit of announcing things like that-- "Bed." or "Food." Or (as I recently told Hammer) "Condom."

That night-- sex, sex, sex. (Yay!) 'Nuff said.

The next morning--sex, sex, sex. Again, 'nuff said.

After the morning session, he fell back asleep, but I got up. I hung out in his living room for a while and spoke to B on the phone. I wasn't sure if I should stay or go. Would he sleep straight through the afternoon? What time was Flash expecting me back? I tapped on the bedroom door at around 11:30 am.

"Narc? You getting up soon?"

"Huh?" He was sleepy. "Um... No. Not just yet."

"Well... I just didn't know if I should stay or I should go," I stood there equivicollay.

"Stay. Stay!" he said. "I'll be up soon..."

(I liked that.)

So I did. While I waited for him to get up, I spoke to Shorty for a while on the phone. She was sad that she couldn't make it to NY to meet Flash.

When Narc finally got up, we watched some strange movie on TV-- Win a Date with Drew Barrymore. Then we ordered in sushi and had more sex. (More Yay!) It was weird being back at his place after more than a month. Just the slightest things were different-- he had a cupful of different colored permanent markers in the kitchen. He had a million bottles of Fiji Water. (I guess he's obsessed with that for the moment.) He had hung up the Klimt painting that had been leaning against the wall for month. There was a different brand of hair product in his bathroom cabinet. It all made me sad. And I felt silly for it.

At around 3:30, I told him I had to go. I had left Flash to his own devices all morning, but we needed to make our evening plans.

I was SO tired when I got back to my place. Flash had been to the Empire State Building, but seemed to be in a pretty chill mood himself. So we hung out at home for a while and watched some more TV. Finally we got our evening plans arranged-- a trip on the Staten Island Ferry and then to the West Village with Hammer.

Unfortunately for us, getting to South Ferry wasn't so easy, as all of the weekend subway service was shut down south of Brooklyn Bridge. Nevermind that. It gave me a chance to walk with Flash through the Financial District.

Once we met up with Hammer, we realized that none of us had eaten. We ran across the street for a bite of McDonald's just in time to make it back for the 7:30 ferry. There were some strange crowds in the ferry terminal-- a bunch of people dressed like pirates for some birthday party, and a crowd of annoying high school kids among others.

We had the beautiful luck of being on the ferry just in time for sunset and there were some gorgeous views of the Statue of Liberty and downtown Manhattan. Sometimes living here, I forget how absolutely beautiful it is. I always love being on the water though. No matter what is going on, the water brings me a measure of peace.

Hammer and I were sort of in giddy boy-mode and must have subjected Flash to the strangest chatter. He said he learned a bit from us though, about "how girls talk about men." Flash entertained the two of us with his relationship stories as well. And we all had a good laugh sharing our thoughts on the various ups and downs of blogging and the characters in our little blogging community. There are so many tangles in blogger relationships! It's kind of strange...

We had plenty of time to talk, because we got stuck on Staten Island for quite some time before we were able to board for the return trip. Once we were finally back on the boat, Flash and Hammer decided that it was too cold to stand outside. They sat indoors on benches near the windows, but I stayed outside the whole time, shivering in my blue sweatshirt. Flash brought me a big can of Budweiser which was great, but it made my hands even colder. Hammer told me that I am "sehr dramatisch!"

Yes I am, Hammer. Yes I am.

Once off the boat, we began to trek up Broadway trying to hail a cab. There was a lot of competition, though, and we were nearly to Narc's place by the time we got one! From there, we headed to Hammer's to unwind for a bit.

Once we crashed at Hammer's, she started to lose momentum. We had to try to convince her not to unwind too much, so that she would still have some energy to come out with us. She was cranky, but seemed in much better spirits once Flash and I helped her fix her futon! She donned her high heeled boots, told us she was in a "dominant mood" and we hit the town. We were contemplating going to Marie's, and Hammer made Flash that if we saw Sing-Man he would be her boyfriend for the night! (We never made it to Marie's though...)

Our first stop-- the "Friends" building on Hudson and Grove. Flash just had to see it. Too bad he couldn't get his camera flash to work, so his pictures came out dark. On the way there I pointed out the bar where I met Narc. Weird. After that, we were a little hungry again, so we stopped in a cute Middle Eastern restaurant for a bite. And after all that? Well we were all kind of too tired to press on. We decided to head back to Hammer's to smoke a joint and watch a little SNL. Flash and I stayed until just before 1:00 am.

We took a cab back to my corner and he laughed at me because he said that despite my exhaustion, he could see the magnetic pull yanking me towards Cheers. I saw FightingMensch outside the bar, so I pointed him out to Flash, but I somehow managed to resist that powerful pull and we didn't go into the bar. Instead, it was home and to bed for an early night!

So that's it the story of the first part of the weekend. Writing about yesterday is a little bit more complicated for me, as it was the anniversary of my dad's death and I had a big fight with my sister in the morning. I also didn't do much to process how I feel about the Narc reunion. As Flash put it to me on Friday night,

"Hyde, you're CRAZY!"

I will say that Sunday ended fabulously well-- I had a long talk with Flash about life and love, we dined at the Manchester Pub, and capped the eveing with Fox cartoons and South Park, smoking another joint.

Today I taught, checked out David Blaine and went to the planetarium with Flash. Oh-- and I got a randomly strange text from Narc:

Speaking of water-- just tried my first two bottles of Penta. Was OK, but not the life changing experience I'd imagined...

(The Penta Water thing goes back to a conversation he and I had a long, long time ago. Strange, though, right?).

My response?

Better than Fiji? Where'd you get it? I wanna try... I'm in the planetarium now. :)

Needless to say, he never answered that one.

So... more to come on the rest of Flash's visit. He's an awesome guy and I'm so glad that we've been able to hang out these past few days. But then again, I always knew we would get along...

Tonight's 24 night!

:)

love,

hyde

Apologies

Sorry that I haven't posted that much this weekend! Time normally spent writing in front of the computer has instead been spent chatting with the fabulous Flash! I do have a pretty long post half-written, but I'm off to meet Flash (in front of David Blaine) before heading to the planetarium.

This afternoon while Flash is watching more Leeds football, I promise to get the rest of that post done.

Hope you all had a great weekend!

:)

h

Surreal Life

Flash is sitting on my couch smoking.
It is sunny out, but we are both fucking exhausted.

We hung out last night in the East Village.

All I have to say is this-- Flash was on my right, Narc on my left.
A lot of alcohol was had by all...

details to follow...

love,
h

He's Here!

So, I think Flash had a good time last night! I know I did...

It's strange... normally on Friday afternoons I hang out in my office after teaching and write frighteningly lengthy posts to catch you all up on the week's events. This week, however, I'll be heading home straight after teaching. Flash will be at Cheers watching the soccer game. (Or should I say football?)

Anyway, as you all know I was exceedingly cranky yesterday in the morning. I was in the doctor's waiting room for over an hour just to have some blood drawn and then I ended up in a tearful fight with B. My house wasn't sufficiently clean, I felt bleary and teary and gross and then Flash called and said that he was at Penn Station. How strange to hear an actual live voice!

I did my best to pull myself together in time to meet my guest. When he arrived, the doorman buzzed me.

"A Mr. Flash here to see you."

Mr. Flash!

He was as I expected, as I've had the benefit of seeing his picture. But for him, I was a mystery revealed! We hung out at my apartment for a while and had a smoke (and I served him a very old beer. It was all that I had!). One of the strangest things during that conversation was learning the "real names" of all the blog characters on both of our blogs. Flash especially didn't think that Narc's name suited him!

Then we decided to get out and go for a walk around the neighborhood. On our way out of the building, we were greeted by my Super who had a lot of "NY advice" for our guest. He's a real character, so I'm glad that Flash got to meet him. I walked him down by the UN, up into Tudor City and then over past the Chrysler Building and to Grand Central Station-- the only touristy-type spots in my neighborhood. I think he was mostly happy just to be in NY, with the giant buildings and city energy. He was exhausted from his day of travels, though, so we decided to go back to my place for a bit of rest before the evening's activities.

I talked to VJ on the phone for a while before settling in to watch some TV with Flash. I discovered that I'm not very good at Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and Flash said that I look a little like Lisa Marie Presley, which I liked because I think she looks like her dad and I think he's gorgeous! Hammer was at class and wanted to meet us for dinner, so we made some arrangements with her. She was disappointed that Flash wasn't up for salmon-night, but he is an admittedly "fussy eater." So we went to a diner instead for more traditional fare. (Flash treated us to dinner-- a real gentleman!) The three of us had a great time gossiping about anything and everything (blog related and otherwise) and at around 8:30 decided to head over to Cheers. I wanted Flash's first night here to really be "a la Hyde," despite the fact that I had to get up for teaching the next day. (I think I did a rather good job of that--right, Flash? What did you think?)

At Cheers, he and Hammer and I found some seats at the bar and I introduced him to IrishBird, BarMan, ThursdayGirl, the Bouncer and a slew of other Cheers-regulars. Everyone loved meeting him and everyone loved his name. He was a mini-celebrity! Before long, Bezoukhoff and another friend of ours, EF, came by after their class let out and the five of us settled in at a table towards the back of the bar. Of course, NDN was excited to meet our visitor as well, and stopped by the bar for a little while to make the introductions.

Flash blew us away with his first karaoke song-- U2's "One." And I sang Alanis' "You Oughta Know," as per his request. The drinks kept flowing, and I have to say, I had a great time.

At around 11:30 or so, Hammer and EF took off. She had a paper to work on. Bezoukhoff stayed behind and the three of us hung out and talked for quite a bit longer. There were some random boys from Ohio that I started talking to and I bought us all shots of Jager. At one point KHill came into the bar and I got to point him out to Flash as "the boy who peed on me." (Do you guys remember that? It was the week Narc discovered my blog!)

Anyway, Flash and I sang a few more songs, including a duet that I won't mention here, as he swore he would normally never be caught dead singing anything so cheesy. Then, the bill got mysteriously paid by the two boys, and I felt very lucky indeed, as I've been in a bit of a financial crunch these days.

Back at my place, Flash and I stayed up a bit longer. It was quite fun and a bit of a wild night. Finally, it was to bed at around 2:00 am.

This morning I am feeling the pain, as it's nearly 80 degrees outside and the classrooms I'm teaching in aren't air conditioned. Motherfucker! And I'm really tired. But I'm looking forward to the rest of the weekend.

So that's it for now. If this seems poorly written to you, it's because this post is kind of just tossed off, as I don't have much time to write, but I'll try to stay on top of my blogging schedule!

lots of love to all!
h

Hyde and Flash

Hyde and Flash are drunk right now. Flash has his arms around Hyde. Hey! Flash just overstepped.... Nevermind. Seriously. He says he's sorry for that. Okay... starting over. It's his first night here. I think he's having fun.. Are you, Flash? "Yes I am, Baby!" Okay, fine... We'll blog more tomorrow when we're sober....

love you all, guys!!!!

Hyde and Flash

The Air is Cold in Here

I'm sitting in my living room and the air is cold in here because I left the windows open all night. Last night I fell asleep on my couch at about 6:00 pm. I was only halfway done cleaning my house (in anticipation of Flash's arrival!!!) and I missed my choir practice altogether. Oops!

I woke up at around 11:00, quite disoriented, so I dragged myself to bed. There were a million missed calls and texts. A few were from IrishBird who was taking the night off and wanted to know if I wanted to hang out and watch American Idol. It would have been nice because I never see her outside of the bar. A few others were from NDN who wanted cigarettes. I can't fathom why he was so persistent in his attempt to acquire my smokes, as he is not a smoker, and even if he were-- it is not all that difficult to go across the street and buy a pack.

Anyway, I'm feeling cranky this morning. Even though I slept for 14 hours last night (damn!), I still woke up feeling exhausted and with awful allergy symptoms due to the open windows! This morning I have to go have the doctor suck some blood out of my arm to make sure my organs aren't deteriorating and that I haven't pushed myself into type II diabetes just yet and then I have to come back here and clean some more.

Don't get me wrong-- I really am looking forward to Flash's visit. But until he gets here this afternoon, I'll reserve my right to be in a bad mood...

I had some strange sex dreams last night... all of them inappropriate for this blog. Oh well... It'll give me something to think about in the doctor's waiting room!

So that's it for now. Will Flash really be here in a few hours? How strange? He was my very first commenter (besides Hammer). Worlds are colliding... I have to say-- it makes me nervous.

love,
hyde

My Blue Hoodie (and "Fifty Percent")

I fucking love getting into "blue sweatshirt-mode." Last night I was lamenting that hooded-sweatshirt season is almost over. It's my favorite uniform at the moment. I love wearing blue sweatshirts, pulling the hood up over my head and smoking, smoking, smoking..... Hammer tells me that I'm "SOOOOO Stylish!"

This from Sunday's NY Times:





















Anyway, at my cabaret class last night, someone sang the following song. It made me think of Narc and I almost cried, even though I know the sentiment of this song is masochistic and dumb. Well... here it is:

FIFTY PERCENT
From the Broadway Musical: Ballroom
(Goldenberg / Alan & Marilyn Bergman; 1978)
Helen Reddy

I don't iron his shirts
I don't sew on his buttons
I don't know all the jokes he tells or the songs he hums
Though I may hold him all through the night
He may not be here when the morning comes

I don't pick out his ties
Or expect his tomorrows
But I feel when he's in my arms, he's where he wants to be
We have no memories bittersweet with time
And I doubt if he'll spend New Year's Eve with me

I don't share his name
I don't wear his ring
There's no piece of paper saying that he's mine
But he says he loves me and I believe it's true
Doesn't that make someone belong to you?

So I don't share his name
So I don't wear his ring
So there's no piece of paper saying that he's mine
So we don't have the memories
I've had enough memories
I've washed enough mornings
I've dried enough evenings
I've had enough birthdays to know what I want

Life is anyone's guess
It's a constant surprise
Though you don't plan to fall in love
When you fall...you fall
I'd rather have fifty percent of him
Or any percent of him
Than all of anybody else at all

PS: Here's the room where I'll be singing next Tuesday (and the Tuesday after that!)























love,
hyde

Haircut

I'm going to get a haircut and to get a half head of highlights.

Maybe I'll be a red-head again before you know it!

Feeling slightly better today after therapy.

Grateful I have such amazing friends...

love,
hyde

Oops...

What did I say in April?

"If I DO see him again consider me a weak and worthless piece of shit because that is what I'll be."

Well, I didn't see him, but here's what happened...

I was massively low-self-esteeming last night and drank three glasses of Jack Daniels at home. Then I felt like a total failure based on the commitment I just made to my family (in regards to drinking). I wanted to talk to someone, but it was late-- nearly 2:00 am. I had already called Hammer and I had called Liu (they weren't around). I decided to call Narc just to hear his voice on his voice mail message. I had done it before. He never picks up if he doesn't recognize the number, and he certainly wouldn't pick up for me, right? So... no harm, no foul?

I dialed from my home phone.

Ring 1

Ring 2

Ring 3

Ring 4

Ring-- "Hello?"

It was him! What the fuck? Do I say "hi" or do I hang up? Why did I even call to begin with? I didn't say anything for what felt like an eternity.

N: Hello? Is anyone there? (He was drunk. I could tell. He was also out. I could hear the sounds of night life around him.) Hello???

H: Hey... (I was quiet and tentative.)

N: Hyde???

H: Um, yeah...

N: Calling me from a restricted number?

H: Just calling you from my home phone, Narc...

N: Yeah, but your home phone isn't usually "restricted."

H: Yes it is.

N: Oh, is it?...So?

H: I don't know... I'm just calling to say "hi," I guess...

N: Look, Hyde... We should talk. I mean, we have things to talk about, but not now. Not now.

H: Okay... I mean, I didn't-- I'm not calling to talk about anything in particular. I mean... that's okay.

(I wanted to tell him about my friend's brother. I wanted to tell him that I miss him.)

N: Yeah, okay, but not now. Now's not the time, alright? (He was being stern with me). I'll call or write you sometime soon, okay?

(Will he?)

H: Um... well... yeah... okay, then. Okay, then.

N: So... BYE!

H: Yeah. Bye, Narc.

The whole conversation took two seconds.

I'm a fucking moron.

I don't know what to say...

A friend of mine's brother is in jail for murder as of last night. The murder took place up at Albany (Dan-- it was a student area, so you'll probably catch wind of it, I'm sure). I have a lot of details from my friend, and if they are true, this is a horrible tragedy. I hung out with the "murderer" on several occasions. I'm not sure what to think right now, so I can't say more. This guy was a good guy-- a chivalrous guy who served over in Iraq for quite some time. He was polite and kind and decent the few times that I met him. He was going back to school to get himself a future.

I am feeling all mixed up right now. This fucking sucks.

-h-

May Day

It's May. Fucking unbelievable. May Day! May Day! Enough said about that. I hate this time of year. May 7th-- the sixteenth anniversary of my dad's death. And now, I'm thinking of May 5th too... an important date for me and Narc last year.

From the length of my recent posts, you can see that I'm not feeling my usual prolific self. I suppose that it's just easier for me, right now, not to sit here and muse over everything. I don't want to get too weighed down with the Narc-shit in my head. (That said, this post turned out pretty long, so maybe I take that back!)

I was being a bit of a stalker the other day and found a picture of him online. It was taken on Monday, April 24th and was posted on the website for his screenwriter's group. I also found a message he put up on the message board there, detailing every film he plans to see this week at the Tribeca Film Festival.

Oh!

But whatever... I'm just being a stupid girl, like that. I suppose it's getting a little better. On Friday I nearly breathed a sigh of relief. (Nearly!) And I managed to get from Tuesday to Friday last week without a drink. Past the first day, the valium sucked, but it was nice not having to be in constant "morning-after" recovery mode.

I took care of a lot of lingering business last week, too-- mostly stuff from last semester, in terms of resolving incompletes for my students. Can you believe I was still dealing with fallout from that fucked up transit strike sprung on us at Christmas time?!? The next step? To finish my own incompletes! I'm getting down to the wire and if I don't go underground and becoming a maniacal academic hermit for the month of May, I have scarcely a chance of being able to register next semester. The clouds must be parted.

Anyway, I know I owe you all my strange story about the Senator and the Newspaper man (from Wednesday night), so here it is...

I have been taping American Idol for IrishBird, as she doesn't have TiVo, and since I live right next to the bar, it's not a big deal for me to run it over to her. I set up the tape that night, before leaving for choir practice. Choir is fun these days. We're working on Cherubini's Medea which is Italian and open and easy (even though we're singing it in French!). The performance will be at Carnegie Hall on June 3rd.

When I got home, I chatted with NDN for a bit and then headed to Cheers. It was my first full day on the valium, but I wasn't sleepy-- I just felt more mellow. I handed IrishBird the tape and made small talk with Arachnid for a while (the bartender from the Overlook who has recently suffered a slipped disk). After that, I took a seat at the end of the bar, away from the handful of customers, where I began sipping diet cokes, intermittently gossiping with IrishBird. Manwich came over to give me a kiss hello.

"You know my friend P really likes you!" he said. "He has the hots for you, big time!"

"Oh, really?" I blushed. "Well...."

IrishBird was laughing. "I'm not so sure she's interested!" she said, winking at me.

"Are you?" Manwich asked, his eyebrows raised.

"Well, no... I mean... I don't think so, but..."

I felt really awkward. In case you guys don't remember, P is the one who flew into a rage the other night because people were "coughing on him."

I said good night to Manwich and after a while, a guy named Dave came in-- the one I met on the night I was "chewing on a straw" (about two and a half weeks ago). I said hello to him. He was with a bunch of people from his office. Apparently, they're all lawyers. I wasn't really paying attention, but a little while later, two other men came in and Dave and the lawyers started kissing ass big time. It turned out that one of the new men is a NY State Senator and the other, a Senior Editor for a prominent NY newspaper.

"Do you know who this guy is?" one of the lawyers exclaimed to IrishBird, swinging his arm around the shoulder of the Newspaper-Man. "He's a fucking celebrity! A celebrity! He's written two books. Everyone knows his name. He's big time media!"

I couldn't help but overhear, as they were not even a foot away from me.

"Wow. That's impressive," I said, smiling at Newspaper-Man.

He winked at me.

Then the lawyers started sucking up to the Senator. "Senator! Senator! Can I buy you a drink?" they cried, tripping over themselves.

I was sitting right next to them during all of this action, half paying attention. I could tell that the Newspaper-Man was trying to gauge my reaction. He sidled up to talk to me, asking what I do for a living. I found the whole situation to be mildly amusing. Here was this brilliant, accomplished guy in a bar, but he was so incredibly awkward. He reminded me so much of ProfPP. I don't know... Maybe I'm just not used to making small talk with the over-50 crowd. I could have used Hammer's help navigating!

I was interested in talking to both Newspaper-Man and the Senator, but at the same time, I wasn't romantically or sexually interested in either of them, and I wasn't sure how to handle their flirtatious overtures. The two of them kept flitting back and forth between political banter with the lawyers and flirtatious banter with me. For the most part, I ignored the political talk. NY City politics is its own incestuous little world and unless you pay attention to city council meetings, union activities, the school board, the police department, DA office politics and every fucking mayoral press conference, it's hard to hold your own. (I'm not THAT addicted to NY1!)

As the evening went on, the Senator was getting pretty drunk and kept trying to stand closer to me so that he would have to brush against me. He didn't do anything creepy or inappropriate, but I could see that his friend Newspaper-Man was watching like a hawk to make sure the Senator didn't embarrass himself. It was strange.

Then Newspaper-Man invited me to the Senator's fundraising party, to be held the following evening.

"It's going to be great!" he said. "It's hosted by the K's." (The K's are very wealthy New Yorkers-- well known supporters of Giuliani).

"The K's? Really? I think my mom did some work with one of them. She's an attorney out on Long Island," I said.

"I'm sure she has," said Newspaper-Man.

He started to tell me about my neighborhood back when he used to work for the Daily News in the late '70s.

"The neighborhood was dead back then," he said. "McFadden's was the only night life around!"

"I'm not so into McFadden's," I told him. "Too crowded these days. Not my scene."

Then he started talking about some swanky party he attended that afternoon in Howard Beach.
"Was it at Russo's on the Bay?" I guessed. "My cousin got married there. The food there? Fucking incredible."

"Yeah, it's amazing!" he said. "Over the top! So... what are you? Italian?"

"No. But my stepfather is. And believe me--that was a huge Italian wedding."

"I'm Italian, but I'm not," the senator piped in.

"What does that mean?" I asked.

"That I'm Italian, but I'm not."

"Well, I have the big Italian family," I said. "But I'm not Italian. So... I guess that means that I'm Italian, but I'm not."

I was getting tired at that point and my neck was feeling a little stiff. I started rubbing my shoulder.

"Here! Let me do that," the senator said. He started to massage my shoulders and neck. I could tell that Newspaper-Man was getting nervous and that all of those lawyers were envious that I was getting so much attention from these two.

Who is this random girl, all grungy in her sweatshirt and jeans, knowing nothing about NY politics and getting all this attention? they must have been wondering. I'm telling you guys-- it was weird. I was not done up, or anything, that night.

They continued to urge me to come to the party.

"It's going to be at the Ritz Carlton Battery Park," the Senator said. "The nicest one in the city!"

"You guys aren't serious," I protested. (I really couldn't tell.)

"Of course we are!" laughed Newspaper-Man. "And bring a friend!"

"Isn't there a list to get in?"

"Just give them this card," the Senator said, writing the address on the back. "Tell them I gave it to you. I'll see that you get in!"

I still felt a little dubious, but they kept reassuring me that they wanted me to come. Finally, I agreed.

In the meanwhile, one of the lawyers-- a woman, with an indeterminate accent, kept trying to take "candid" photos of the two of them. I don't think Newspaper-Man was too keen on that idea, as his good friend the Senator was clearly drunk. So, not long after that, they decided to take off. I was sober and not as effervescent as I usually am at such a late hour, and so I was unsure of how to say goodbye. I awkwardly extended my hand which Newspaper-Man kindly shook. The Senator, however, tried to come in for a kiss. I turned my cheek so that he would have to miss my mouth. What a weird night!

After that, I moved away from the lawyers (all of whom seemed rather hostile) and I relocated at the other end of the bar. The only other customer was familiar to me. I realized I had met him at Cheers just last week (the night that Mr. Qatar started talking to me). He reintroduced himself as "BlackSheep."

"Yeah, I know you," I said. "You live in my building, right? Twelfth floor? Same unit as me!"

He was shocked I remembered him.

"This girl has a phenomenal memory!" IrishBird bragged to him. "She's a historian. She knows every detail, every date, every conversation."

Yeah, when I'm not blacking out, that is, I thought bitterly.

Anyway, BlackSheep was really drunk and kind of strange. He kept telling me that he is the "Black Sheep" of our building.

"I really don't think so," I said. "There are a lot of odd characters in our building. Why do you think you're a black sheep?"

"Because I'm a bad ass," he grinned.

Ugh! I rolled my eyes.

I hate people who have to advertise how "bad" they are. It's a pet peeve of mine. In my opinion, you just do or do not. Unless you're recounting a story among friends, what's the point of all the "big talking?" Not to get all skater-slang on you, but this guy definitely seemed like a poseur.

Anyway, IrishBird wanted the scoop on Newspaper-Man and the Senator. I filled her in the best I could. While I was doing so, one of the lawyers at the other end of the bar called out to BlackSheep.

"What the fuck are you looking at?"

"I'm not looking at anything! What the fuck are you looking at?"

This thing was escalating. IrishBird did her best to calm them down, encouraged me to go to the fundraiser party and kissed me good night.

Well... that never happened. I seriously considered going to the party, but I had started taking valium that week and found myself entirely knocked out on Thursday afternoon. I fell asleep at around 3:00 pm and didn't wake up again until 8:00! Even worse-- Bezoukhoff had come over for lunch. He was sitting at my computer talking to me when I fell asleep! What a terrible hostess I am! He is the most understanding person ever, though, and didn't seem to mind a bit.

Hmmm... What else?

In other news-- I told you guys I had been hearing from Double-T again, right? Well, he texted me to tell me that he might be at Cheers on Thursday night.

How's all with you? he asked.

But then later...

Looks like no Cheers for me tonight. I'll definitely bug you next time I'm in your neck of the woods though. And I DID finally get some good news on the apt front. The coop board approved me yesterday so all that's left to do now is close-- and then the REAL work starts!

We went on texting back and forth about apartment stuff for a while. And then...

TT: Yes, it's quite a relief. Thanks again for putting up with my whining.

H: You never whined. Setting up a new place is the fun part now. I'm having urges to spring clean and rearrange furniture myself...

TT: Don't squish Mr. Rochester under the ottoman!

H: Never! :)

So that's it... In the illustrious words of Narc, "no biggie." But TT is definitely proving himself to be a much better "friend" than I thought he would be. He is winning my respect just by virtue of sticking around despite my insanity.

So.... where was I in terms of Thursday night? Oh yes! TT was going to be a no-show at Cheers. I decided to go anyway. It ended up being another strange night for me. The world becomes so much more absurd when you hang out at bars and don't drink.

When I arrived on Thursday, I was immediately spotted by the Smolderer who made it a point to attach himself to me the whole night.

"Are you here alone?" he asked me.

"Um, yeah."

"Well, that's a first!" he laughed. "Every time I see you here you're talking to someone else! It's like 45 minutes a guy... You're a one woman speed-dating service!"

Was that supposed to be a compliment? Guys can be so fucked up...

Whatever... I sang Bobby McGee and did a much better job of it than I thought I would. As for conversation with the Smolderer? It continued to be strange. First of all, he told me that in addition to having a band (which I can't quite imagine), he's a "life coach." Second of all, he highly recommended the Landmark Forum. This was all WAY too Narc for me! (Narc recommended Landmark the first time I met him. He also used to have a life coach for a while.) Third of all, I am not physically attracted to the Smolderer in the slightest, so I felt a little strange accepting all of his attention, knowing it wasn't going to get him anywhere. (I am definitely not a tease, and don't like playing the part. It goes along with my whole "can't stand 'big talkers'" mentality.) On the other hand, the Smolderer wasn't being so sleazy that it warranted a rude rebuttal. So I felt myself in a difficult spot.

The night wore on. It was getting late. I drank so many diet cokes I'm surprised I wasn't pissing straight cola. The Smolderer tried to put his arm around me.

"What would you say if I told you the only reason I'm still here is to keep company with you?" he asked me.

I squirmed away a bit. "I'd say I didn't believe you," I laughed.

He changed his tact and tried to be a little more intense.

"How are you?" he asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, in terms of all of that stuff you were dealing with. You know-- you confided in me..."

"What??? I confided in you? Sorry if I don't remember. What do you know about my life?"

"Just that you were seeing that guy," he said. "Are you still? And that you were smoking a lot of weed."

This guy is full of shit. He was acting like he remembered everything about me, but I would never have said that I smoke a lot of weed. I don't! I don't smoke marijuana more than once every few months. And I certainly would never have mentioned it as a problem. This guy was about to put on his life coach act. I can't stand that kind of pretension-- especially from people who aren't nearly as smart as I am. Now I was annoyed.

I excused myself to go to the rest room. As I headed towards the back of the bar, I saw PumpedUp sitting at a table with Duff. He called me over.

"So, is it true Hyde? Is it true that I hear you've stopped drinking?"

"Well, for the moment," I said.

"You've had nothing at all tonight?"

The two of them looked at me eagerly anticipating the answer.

I would love to be a fly on the wall just ONCE to hear what those boys say about me behind my back.

"I can't!" I laughed. "I'm on valium. And it fucking sucks."

"I'm surprised you're not drinking with the valium," PumpedUp said.

"I'm not into downers," I smiled. "It's all about uppers. And I hate this feeling."

The two of them laughed. I felt kind of crappy about the exchange, but pretended that I didn't care.

Anyway, for the remainder of the night, I kept dealing with the Smolderer, even though he was annoying me. As soon as my last song was called, I tried to leave. IrishBird pulled me aside.

"Are you okay?" she asked. "When you came in here tonight your eyes looked all red and puffy. Were you crying?"

Of course I was crying! I wanted to say.

"No, I'm fine," I smiled at her. "I just woke up from a nap, that's all."

"Oh... okay."

Anyway, that was my Thursday night.

Friday was a teaching day and so, I taught all day. Only two more of those killer Fridays left for me!

Hallelujah!

Even though I didn't take any of the valium that day, I still felt woozy and knocked out that afternoon. I fell asleep before Hammer's party and didn't end up waking up until around 8:30 or so in the evening. As the party began at 9:00, I was running late. I quickly dressed and headed to Cheers for a pit stop before getting there. I figured it was okay to drink (even though I had resolved to quit) because I hadn't taken any valium that day. So I had two Jack Daniels before hopping in a cab to Hammer's place. The bartender from Backfence (who is friends with BarMan) was at Cheers and she recognized me from the two times I had been to Backfence to hear BarMan play. I chatted with her for a little while before I took off.

When I got to Hammer's, there weren't that many people there yet-- just Hammer, CurlyQ, Angel, Maximus and another friend of Hammer's, AbrasiveGirl. (Maybe she's not all that bad, but I really don't know her well, and she came across as quite abrasive!)

"So, what's your story, Hyde?" she bluntly asked as I came in.

"It's too long and too complicated for a party," I said.

AbrasiveGirl also asked me what type of men I like. "Maybe I can set you up," she suggested.

Um, no...

I told her that there was no way I could explain my "type" to her. All I could think of was Narc anyway. (What was I supposed to say? smart and creative but socially awkward, starved for love, unavailable, unkempt, delusional, slightly violent, alcoholic, emotionally abusive?)

Someone said something about "nebbishy men." I told her I didn't have a "nebbish fetish." She thought that was hysterical and said she wants to get a t-shirt printed up that says "nebbish fetish."

Anyway, overall, it was a fun party, although it was a little strange to have all of the Hammer characters amassed in one place at one time. Maximus and I got in trouble from Hammer for accidentally triggering the fire alarm when we went up to the roof. We smoked cigarettes up there for a while and bonded over our love of illicit substances. He recommended that I listen to a singer named Neko Case.

A bunch of anthropology people showed up (one of whom went to college with Hammer) and I ended up talking to another of them on the roof. In the middle of that conversation, NDN called to tell me he just got a hand-job from some girl. (Yes, my neighbor and I are very close!).

Later on, back in Hammer's apartment, I ate a delicious chocolate covered strawberry, drank some more and met Hammer's ballet friends. We discovered that we share a love of Marlon Brando. Just then, Mohawk showed up at the party. He joined in on the conversation about Brando, although he has never seen any of Brando's earlier movies, so he didn't understand why Ballet-Girl and I both think Brando is so hot.

"Even in the later stuff though... He's hot in Last Tango in Paris too!" I said.

Overall, I thought Mohawk was a little standoffish...

"Let's play subway!" I said, in reference to the movie Hammer and I saw with Mohawk last week-- Next Stop Greenwich Village. Hammer and Mohawk laughed.

Anyway, as the evening dwindled down, Mohawk left and Hammer got drunk. Those of us who remained-- me, CurlyQ, Maximus (who had left and then returned) and Sissy all took to analyzing Hammer's situation with Mohawk based on the information she provided. She was giving out a lot of information because she was drunk and I thought it was very cute. Sissy advised Hammer not to speak to Mohawk for three weeks (which I TOTALLY didn't understand!) and it was clear that she didn't get some of the things that Hammer and I both find attractive in men, but I won't say more than that. I'll leave it to Hammer to write about her business with Mohawk on her own blog.

And then there were three. At the end of the night, it was just me and Maximus. Hammer was falling asleep on the bed. I got her a glass of water and headed for the door, my jacket in tow.

"Where are you going?" Maximus asked.

"Midtown. To my bar first, and then home."

I was already pretty drunk at that point.

"I don't feel like going home just yet," he said. "Do you have a couch?"

"Um, yeah..."

"Mind if I crash on it?"

"No problem."

Maximus and I jumped in a cab and were on our way. I introduced him around to everyone at Cheers, but I don't think that it was his scene. We didn't stay there too long, as they were closing. Maximus went across the street to the deli and got a salami sandwich and ate it at the bar. We each had two more drinks. I was feeling very groggy and was having difficulty seeing straight. I was sure it was the valium. Even though I hadn't taken any that day, it was clearly still in my system and was interacting with the alcohol. My alcohol tally for the night was not that high, and yet I felt non-functional. It was a completely unfamiliar kind of non-functional and I hated it.

Maximus and I didn't have too much to say to each other at the bar, except to discuss the one thing we have in common-- Hammer. We analyzed a little bit about her, but it was kind of awkward because I didn't want to say too much. Hammer wasn't happy with all of that when I mentioned it to her later. But again, I'll leave it at that...

Back at my place, I was determined to make that groggy feeling go away. So I took out the small remainder of my my "medicine" and did a line. It helped a little in the short run, but didn't fix the dizziness or the stupefied feeling. I offered one to Maximus too. Then I just tossed him a cover and a pillow and went to crash in my room.

The next morning was sheer misery. I woke up at around 10:30, muddled and wobbly, stumbling into the bathroom. I could not seem to find my balance and couldn't help but crash into walls. It scared me. I glanced into the living room. Maximus was still on the couch. I went back to bed. I got up again at around 12:00 pm. Maximus had gone.

My mom was coming to pick me up at 1:30, as we had plans to discuss "money matters" before my cousin's communion party that night, but I was scared because I just couldn't sober up. I drank two red bulls and I ate a sandwich. Nothing was working. I kept dozing off. I couldn't stay awake. My body was shutting down big time. I called her and asked her if she could come a little later. She agreed. I bought myself an hour, but I was still terrified that my body wouldn't be working in time. It was the most awful feeling in the world.

Anyway, the rest of Saturday I really don't want to talk about, as I am still feeling too vulnerable and I don't know what to think, let alone how to share it with anyone else. The bottom line-- I talked to my mom (and later my sister) about my drinking problem. I told my mom that I need her help. I can't go back now. She's not going to let it slide. As NDN put it, I built myself a "road block" on my path to self-destruction. I tried to go a week off alcohol and even on the valium, I didn't make it. That sucks, and in the end, I'm not stupid. My dad only lived to be 47. If I follow suit, that would make my life nearly 2/3 over. For me, Narc = alcohol and alcohol = Narc and as long as he was around, I knew that if I gave up drinking, I would be giving up him. I seem to have lost him anyway. So... For now, that's all I'm going to say about that, as I don't want to talk about it. But it was the hardest conversation I've ever had in my entire life.

The rest of Saturday, I felt like a zombie. I did have a good time at my cousin's communion party, as I particularly like this kid. He's so weird and has such a strange and clever sense of humor for a seven year old. He is learning to play piano and is always excited to tell me about it, as he knows I'm the "family musician."

I didn't get back to the city until nearly 1:00 am on Saturday night. Even then, all I wanted to do was go to Cheers, but I didn't. Instead I took two valium and passed out. I slept for twelve hours.

The next day, I lay in bed once I was awake. I was still groggy and couldn't stay awake for very long. I kept crying and dozing off again. I think I managed to be awake from 2:00 pm-5:00 pm, and cried for most of those hours. I just felt like shit emotionally, physically, spiritually... in every way. I thought a lot about Narc. I made it out to get a bite for lunch. I made it back to my living room. Then I fell asleep again on my couch.

When I woke up, it was after 8:00 and dark out. I watched a lot more television, talked to Hammer on the phone for a while and then talked to my friend Jake. (I don't see him all that often. He's a friend from college, and just got a new job at some law firm.)

My mom had brought some of my things out from storage so once I had some more energy last night, I started going through the box. You know how I obsessively save everything? Well I found a tape of old voice mails that I had transferred onto cassette from 1997-1998. I had a voice mail from B that is nearly 10 years old! It was very cool.

The creepy part though? I had a message from my old choir director that made me feel really weird. There's a whole long story behind that that I don't have the energy to go into right now, but the bottom line-- he was in his late fifties/early sixties when I met him (I was 17) and he really boosted my self-esteem in terms of singing. He was a brilliant musician and I looked up to him a lot. But then things turned sleazy and he crossed all sorts of sexual boundaries and it fucked with my head. When I was 20 I finally confronted him and he spent the next year passive-aggressively "punishing me." Like I said-- a long story for another day. Hearing his voice on that message was strange. He was playing Mon coeur s'ouevre a ta voix on piano in the background of the message-- an aria I was working on at the time that he told me was "the most seductive aria in the female repertoire." I played the message for Hammer.

After that I ate some corn on the cob and talked to NDN for a bit on the phone. And then I went to sleep.

This morning I taught some more on the Reformation. One student asked me which sections I am teaching next semester (as they are all taking the first half of a two-semester class and need to register for the second half soon). I told her to come see me at the end of class. Once class ended, all of a sudden, I was flooded with students-- ten to fifteen of them gathered around my desk, all eager to see next semester's course number so they can be sure to get me as their teacher. Wow. It felt really good that they've all had such a positive experience in my class! These days, I really need that kind of feedback.

So, that's it for now. The winds of change are blowing hard. It's been 18 days, seven hours and 54 minutes since I've seen Narc. Aside from his trip to Europe, the longest I've gone without seeing him has been 20 days. So, I'm thinking this is really it. (I know it has to be "it," if I really want to turn my life around, but still...) Like I said, I've been internet stalking him a little, but whatever... His birthday is in 10 days. That makes me sad.

Anyway, I'm having lunch with B this afternoon and then I have a chorus rehearsal tonight. (A women's sectional). At the end of the week, Flash will be here! Can you believe it???

Hope you are all well and that you all had a good weekend... Sorry if this got long and if it was a bitch to read.

love,
hyde