The Monster Post: Part II

Now, where was I? Ah, yes! Monday night... (Am I really backtracking to a whole week ago?!?! I guess I am!)

So, on Monday night, Narc and I left Hammer and Lil'Hamm in the West Village and began to stroll down to Tribeca. Once we had left the others, he seemed to return to his "normal" self, chatting about movies, etc. It wasn't a pleasant walk, if only because it was so damn hot out and on top of that, I really had to pee.

"I could really go for a Patriot burger," Narc said.

Now, I know I said that I wasn't going to go back to the Patriot, but... um... well...

"Sure, I could do the Patriot," I replied. "But I'm still not drinking."

"Yeah, I'm just having one or two," he quickly added.

"Wherever we go, let's just get there fast, for my bladder's sake!"

We picked up the pace.

It was strange to be back in the Patriot. I hadn't been there since that night in mid-April with CouchSleeper. This time, I listened carefully to the words of Dolly Parton's Jolene. I drank my diet cokes in a pint glass with a little red straw. But try as I might, I couldn't hallucinate that sweet burning hint of Jack Daniels. Narc had about four drinks. Not enough to even make the slightest dent.

Damn it! I thought. I wish he would drink some more!

Now, that probably sounds idiotic of me, not to mention hypocritical, but I couldn't help it. That's what I wanted. And I'm trying to be honest these days. Why did I want him drunk, you may ask? Because I wanted him to love me. Or hate me. Or something. I wanted an emotional connection where there was none. And on that Monday, there really was none. The Patriot was the same. But without the alcohol, it was nothing. And we went back to his place, a foot apart. We watched some TV and went to bed. No sex, no love, no hate, no passion, no connection. Sometimes change is death, I guess.

Anyway, the next morning, I had to get out of there bright and early because my outpatient group meets early. I didn't tell Narc why I had to be out early. I just left.

After group, Brick walked me up to my place. He works in the fashion industry and had to make the rounds to a few stores to gather some items for a style segment he was doing. I had to go to my "regular" therapy at 2:30. But until then, we hung out in my living room. I showed him some pictures from Argentina and sang an aria for him. He was impressed. We just sat around chatting for a while, and NDN stopped by on his lunch break. (He works across the street). Finally, it was time for me to head out.

Brick walked me up to my appointment, and then we parted ways. By the time my therapy was over, I was exhausted! It was a lot of sorting through my problems for one day! I headed home to freshen up, relax a little and relieve myself of the heat before meeting Anxious for dinner.

While I was on my way to meet Anxious, my mom called. She and I ended up arguing on the phone while I was rushing to the restaurant. (No big deal-- just something involving BigSis that I'm too lazy to explain right now!). Anxious was all dolled up in a little black dress. She gave me a hug hello and we took our seats. Conversation was strange. She tried to tell me that she knows what I'm going through in terms of "giving up alcohol."

"Sometimes I can't drink because of my stomach," she said. "And people give me such shit for it! They treat me like a social pariah!"

(Um, thanks, Anxious... That's just what I wanted to hear.)

"It must be hard," she said. "Like trying to avoid chocolate on a diet... I'm such a choc-oholic!"

"It's not quite like that," I said. "It's a pretty serious addiction."

Anxious was doing her best to be supportive. She wasn't trying to be mean, but I couldn't help but be irritated by everything that she said. Of course, I pretended not to be. Even though I still rarely assert myself in those situations, I'm getting better at recognizing when I'm swallowing my feelings for the sake of others.

After dinner, I asked Anxious if she was interested in joining me at the Townhouse-- the bar where PonytailBoy works. She agreed.

We had a little trouble finding the place, and once we did, we noticed a sign posted on the door:

"Proper dress required."

We looked at each other. I was in jeans and sneakers, but a nice top. Would it be okay? A man was standing on the steps smoking a cigarette.

"You're dressed fine!" he said. "You should come in."

"Okay, thanks!"

"But, you do know it's a gay bar, don't you?"

"Yes, yes, that's fine," I said. "We're saying hi to someone who works here."

When we got inside, it wasn't at all what I expected. I am used to the style of piano bars scattered about the West Village-- much more casual than what we found here. This bar was very elegant, styled like a living room. Anxious and I were the only women present. We took a seat on the soft sofa lining the wall of the back room. A waiter approached to take our drink order.

"Do you know someone named PonytailBoy who sings here?" I asked.

"PonytailBoy? He's a waiter here," he said.

"Oh... Well, he told me to come by."

"Hold on. I'll get him."

Our waiter went to go call Ponytail over. As Ponytail approached, I could tell he was surprised.

"It's Hyde," I said. "From last night at Marie's..."

"Yeah, of course!"

I introduced Anxious and we made some awkward conversation.

"You guys should go over to the piano," he said. "Let me introduce you!"

He led us to the shiny black baby grand nestled in the corner, doing just that. The pianist asked me if I wanted to sing a song.

"Um, yeah, sure..." I was being shy. And modest.

Well, that didn't last for long. To make a long story short-- I sang the night away-- over 20 songs in all. I was applauded and marveled over, and one guy even left the bar and came back with a dozen roses for me! It was awesome!

At some point, BulgarianGuy came by to meet Anxious. The pianist told me that Bulgi was hot. Bulgi didn't want to stay there with us, though. I guess he felt uncomfortable. So, he went somewhere else to drink and told Anxious that he would meet her in a little while.

I have to say-- I really liked the pianist. He seemed to take quite an interest in me and he made me laugh. He showed me and Anxious his nipples. Ha!

A while later, NDN texted me, asking what I was up to. I told him that I was at the Townhouse and invited him to come up and meet us. When he got there, the pianist thought he was cute. Knowing what an "attention whore" my neighbor is, I told him that he had missed the "nipple sharing" session. Never one to be shown up, NDN bared his nipples as well. (I have to say-- I've seen them many-a-time before!). Everyone seemed to agree that his nipples are lovely.

In the midst of all this, Narc started texting me, asking me to come over and help him hang some iron candle holders (huge pieces that need to be mounted on the wall). I detailed that all in a previous post. The bottom line? I told him I couldn't come because I was busy being a diva!

Eventually, both NDN and Anxious took off, but I stayed and I sang and sang and sang! Nobody there could believe that I'm not a professional, and the pianist urged me to call him the next day to talk about getting together material to start auditioning and building myself a career. I was a little overwhelmed, but very flattered, and it certainly felt good to get the self-esteem boost. I haven't been feeling all that "together" lately!

Finally, at around 1:30 am, I decided to take off. I was beat! I called Narc back on my way home. Like I said in my earlier post-- we made plans to meet up on Wednesday night.

On Wednesday I woke up early again, for more "group." Afterwards, I walked Brick over to his place for some lunch. It was hot out, but sunny, and I had work with me, so we decided to walk over to the pier where we could sit out and I could grade some papers. It's there that I ended up with a burned arm and a red neck-- well, I guess to be fair, it's more like a "red bosom." In any case, I wasn't happy about getting the color despite my constant application and reapplication of sunscreen. That said, we had a great time. I am so grateful to have met Brick. He is just what I need right now, and we are really helping each other to stay sober. I can't imagine doing this without him. We've been spending nearly every moment together and yet, we don't seem to get sick of each other at all!

After our sunning, I made a decision-- I wasn't going to choir practice, and I wasn't going to sing in my choir concert this weekend. I had too much work to do in terms of finishing my grading, and the last thing I need right now is a load of undue stress. So I went back to Brick's and emailed my conductor. As we walked back to his place, we saw Ashley Olsen going into a shoe boutique. (Brick could tell you which one, but I know nothing of these things...). From there, I walked him to his car and he drove me over to Hammer's apartment.

I thought I would only be getting Hammer and Lil'Hamm for dinner, but when Hammer came to the door, I saw that there was a veritable party at the Hammer residence! Who was there? Hammer and Lil'Hamm, SINGMAN!, a high school friend of Lil'Hamm's, that girl's boyfriend, and later Maximus. It was strange to see SingMan, as the only other time I've ever seen him was the night we met him. And that night, of course, is lost in the fog of alcoholic memory. SingMan had to leave shortly after I arrived, but I still managed to covertly snap a picture of him on my cell phone. Then the rest of us headed out for dinner.

Where to? Daddy O's! The place where Narc and I met nearly two years ago! I don't know why, but it was hard to be there. I felt anxious. I texted Narc: Wanna come with me to see BarMan at Back Fence? I had a feeling something was going to go wrong, though. Hammer and I decided that we hated Lil'Hamm's friend. (Well, Hammer has hated her for a while. I found her to be really annoying. Yes-- I made an immediate judgment of her. Oh well). We all ate burgers. Hammer was cranky. She wanted to get out of there and away from Lil'Hamm's moocher friend. So after she and Maximus and I were finished with our meal, we upped and left.

Hammer and Maximus walked me over to Back Fence. I wasn't sure how I would feel there, as I was at BarMan's last show alone and got wasted. There were a whole bunch of Cheers regulars there. But I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I ordered a diet coke and sat close to the stage. I texted Narc a few times to find out where he was or what time we were meeting, but I didn't hear back. And my discomfort was increasing.

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't think I was in the right place for myself. I had to go. (Again, all of this is detailed in that earlier post.) I ended up stood up by Narc, and depressed at Cheers. I didn't drink, but it was the wrong place to take myself, and I knew it. I sat there dejectedly grading papers, glumly sipping diet cokes, my heart shaking inside my chest. As you know, I eventually heard from Narc, only to be told that he was sorry about standing me up, but that his cell phone broke. Fuck that. At around 2:30 am, I went home and went to bed.

On Thursday morning, I had to get ready in a rush. Brick was coming to pick me up at my place to walk to group together. He had been on TV that morning. It was soooo fucking hot out! We walked all the way to where our group meets-- him, sweltering in his jacket.

And then? We had a little drama after group. It's an intense story... And I had a very dramatic weekend. (Well, sort of...) But once again, I don't have time to finish this post. I have been spending mega amounts of time in therapy, and my grades are due in today, so I haven't had much time to write. But I fear that if I don't post what I have right now, I'll never get to it!

More to come... I promise!

Love,
h

PS: Sorry I haven't been around commenting as much either. I just haven't been in front of my computer! I'll try to be better...