At Least It's "Reality"

I don't take back what I said before-- I really am too busy right now to blog! And to top it off, it's incredibly late, I'm running on about four hours of sleep and I have to be awake in another six or so, but I can't help it... My heart was hurting tonight. Hurting, hurting, hurting! And with a whole new kind of pain.

It's strange-- this is the first week off alcohol that I am starting to feel things differently. The brights seem brighter. The darks seem darker. And everything between me and Narc seems oh, so much starker! Things that I would normally "scrap" or "oops!" away by drinking can not be swept under the carpet quite as easily. I always thought that I loved him so much and that it gave me infinite patience to withstand every wrong... every slight. But I'm finding that my heart is not as patient when I'm sober. It's harder to let some of it go.

Last night, while I was out at a piano bar, he sent me a text: New couch acquired!!! Need you later to assist in putting up trellises!

Wait... WHAT??? He's calling me down to hang things and move furniture on demand? (As Brick pointed out-- not even a "please"!) I didn't say that though, of course...

H: Woah! What kind of couch???

N: The greatest couch EVER of course. Shopping online for matching rug now, as I couldn't find one downtown.

H: What does it look like? Color? I'm psyched!! :)

N: Can show you pic in catalogue. Arrives one week. Must get trellises up in meantime!!

H: When is that going to happen?

N: Whenever I have a second pair of hands! You didn't get my text?

H: I did. But I'm in a FABULOUS piano bar being a superstar diva.

N: Hah. Will have to attempt some other time, then... Sing a song for me!

H: I will! I've got a lot of choir practice this week, but I'm sure we can figure something out soon... Will call when I leave here if not too late.

So, I did. I called him on my way home. He asked me to come over the following night. I told him that I would, but that I had to go from choir practice to hear BarMan playing in the West Village and that I wouldn't be free until around 11:30.

"Of course, you're welcome to come hear BarMan with me, if you like," I said.

"Well, maybe," he replied. "I will be home all day working tomorrow, so we'll see..."

"Okay, fine. But Narc-- if something else comes up, and you need to cancel, let me know. Otherwise, I'll assume we're meeting up."

So that was that.

Today, midway through the day, I got a blotchy sunburn while basking in the great outdoors with Brick. So this evening, just after 7:00, I wrote to him: I am literally a red necked woman right now...

(That song is ALWAYS playing in the Patriot!)

His reply?: "Ain't no high class broad...!" Think I found my rug today. Hmm... Also, new episode of "So you think you can dance?" tonight!

Brick and I parted ways shortly after that. We took a long walk to pick up his car (and spotted Ashley Olsen for the SECOND time that day!) and he drove me over to Hammer's place.

Glossing over a lot (which I'll come back to in a later post), I went out for dinner with Hammer and crew and sent Narc another text at 8:51.

H: Wanna come with me to see BarMan at Back Fence?

I didn't hear from him.

Hammer and Maximus walked me to the bar and left me there. I settled in, said hello to ThursdayGirl, Manwich, BarMan's roommate and a variety of other Cheers characters, but I felt weird there, and like I needed to get out of the bar. So, I wrote to Narc at 10:20.

H: You around?

Again, no answer.

I waited until 10:45 and then I got up and left the bar. My urges to drink were too strong and I felt really anxious. Even though it meant walking out on BarMan's set, I had to get out of there. Once outside, I tried calling Narc.

Maybe he never got my texts, I reasoned. Maybe his phone is charging in the kitchen and he's working in the bedroom. I better call his home phone.

So, I did. I left him a message, explaining to him that I was downtown, but needed to get out of the bar. I told him that I didn't want to head back to midtown if we were going to be hanging out, but that I really had nowhere to go until I heard from him, so I was just standing on the street.

"I'll wait a few minutes for you to get back to me and let me know," I said. "And I'll try you on the cell."

Then I called his cell phone. Someone picked up, but hung up immediately. (At least that's how the call appeared on my phone). I called back. This time it went straight to voice mail. So I left a very similar message to the one I left on his home phone.

And then I waited.

I paced the street; I walked over to 6th Avenue; I called my mom to pass some time and to give him a chance to get back to me; I pretended to wait for a bus at the bus stop. Still no word from Narc.

Finally, at nearly 11:30, I sent him one last text: Haven't heard from you, so I guess in 5 more min, I'm headed back to midtown... :(

I waited for 10 more minutes and then I left. I called B. He gave me a hug over the phone. I wanted to drink so fucking badly. I should have gone home. Instead, I went to Cheers. I didn't drink, but I went there. I have to break those patterns. But it's a lot to do all at once.

I felt better at Cheers... safer, and happy to have the ear of IrishBird. On top of that, I started talking to the boy next to me and he asked for my number and to a movie on Sunday. Cheers never seems to have a shortage of suitors for me! But again-- I can't be plugging up the emotional holes in my life with Cheers or with other boys OR with booze. I need to be able to let myself feel them and work through them. I'm starting to realize that the only way I'll EVER be free of this obsession with Narc is to let myself feel and process the pain that it has been causing me all along.

(Okay-- so I gave the guy my number. I doubt I'm going to follow through and go see the movie with him though...)

Moving on...

I started to grade papers at the bar and worked straight through for almost an hour. But I couldn't stand it. I couldn't comprehend why Narc would stand me up like that-- why he would be so mean?!?! I had to write him one more time-- this time, at 1:37 am.

H: What happened to you???

And this time, I heard back in an instant!

N: Home. Up early. Working. Sorry!

WHAT THE!?!?!

I felt a lump in my stomach, unsure of what to say. I HAD to tell him I was upset, but how? I'm really, REALLY bad at that. I did my best to muster a somewhat offended response. Here's what I came up with:

H: Would have been nice to hear something from you earlier... I was confused. Good luck w/ the work. I'm actually grading papers right now myself. Nite.

Well, it may not have been much, but it was enough that Narc could tell that I was upset. It was enough to make him come up with some lame excuse that I'm SURE is a lie...

N: Phone is fucked. No front screen. Glad I got insurance. Also not taking calls. You were right on the razr it seems...

Okay... I'm sure. It's his phone's fault. And how exactly does that account for the message I left him on his home phone?

I didn't answer that text. There was nothing more I could say.

I don't know...

I'm going through a whole confusing range of emotions lately. I don't quite feel like myself. I'm both changing into the future and gripping onto the past simultaneously. The world feels different these days. I'm not sure that it's better. I'm not sure that I like it. But I guess at least it's reality.

So... bottom line? This episode with Narc is nowhere near our worst, but it hurt me in a new way. It hurt me in a clean way-- a sober way. It's as if I am starting to see things with clearing eyes. And I'll say it like it is-- the view from here SUCKS!

Anyway, it's nearly 3:00 am. I should get to bed. My stomach is in knots.

Good night all!

h