Stuff

There's so much shit... so much "stuff" around me... in me. So much going on at every moment, externally and internally.

I am in the middle of cleaning my house-- reorganizing my books, my sheet music, my photos, and every other scrap of paper crammed onto the shelves in my living room. Brick was here all afternoon, smoking cigarettes and chatting with suitors online while I worked. He just left to go meet a potential "workout buddy" with a foot fetish. I filed his toenails for him and trimmed his cuticles. I was glad to do it. Life is fucking strange.

Yesterday I had a really long talk with my mom. I am angry about a lot of things. I would rather not go into all of that right now.

Last night I had dinner with Dan. We discussed a lot and it was nice to see him. But, I couldn't help but make mental comparisons between what I am in the middle of right now and what I was in the middle of last summer when we hung out. The comparison makes me queasy... anxious... I'm not sure why. Dan gave me a bell from a shrine in Japan. It was very sweet.

Group therapy is starting to feel like summer camp-- a summer camp with a shitload of stuff being pulled up from the muck of my brain and my heart. It's fucking chaos, but it's also kind of fun. I'm getting to know the group much better, and there are some fun crushes going on for me there. (Perhaps more on that in another post!)

Brick made us a healthy lunch today. We ate it on his roof.

I am feeling overwhelmed and scared of my own emotions. I do not want to open Pandora's box.

And I miss Narc. I think about him all the time. It's strange, what's happening here. Where is he? What is he doing? And what happened to him in my heart? It's as if he's been lost under the mounds of "stuff." And I've been searching and searching for him! But that "stuff" is sloshing around in my psyche and cluttering my tunnel vision. I want him back. I want him.

I'm tired. I'm just damn tired.

I want to be at his place right now... chillin', watching TV and laying with him.

I miss knowing what was going to happen.

I miss my scripted life.

love,
h