"And the People All Said 'Sit Down... Sit Down You're Rockin' the Boat'"

Well, I'm feeling much better-- no longer at odds with Brick and having a somewhat calmer week. So I'll try to pick up where I left off.

Sunday night-- last Sunday, when Narc called me to say he wanted to watch Entourage at my place. I texted him back and told him that I was still on Long Island.

Brick and I got back to the city at around 9:00 and walked to my place from Penn Station. Along the way, we talked about fashion and friends and about his roommate, Bikram. Once home, he went on gay.com and I sat down to watch television. When Entourage came on, Narc sent me a text:

Still in midtown. Watching now. You home?

I didn't know how to answer. I was only anxious. As any long time reader knows, I'm prone to jump for joy when Narc contacts me and I rarely (if ever) turn him down, and usually only if seeing him would conflict with a teaching obligation. This is a whole new thing for me-- trying to reprioritize, not dropping anyone and everyone to run and be with him. But even though it made me anxious, I wrote back: W/Brick now...

I couldn't muster any more than that.

His reply?: Will leave you two to it then.

Now I was REALLY nervous, but the deed was done. Brick and I hung out for a while longer and then went to bed.

MONDAY:

On Monday after group, Brick and I walked into Madison Square Park. There we parted ways. I got a few texts from Hammer. She was really stressed out and really upset. She felt like I was no longer in her life in the way that I used to be, and she really needed someone to talk to. I called her back and we managed to talk the whole thing out. I was headed to a doctor's appointment, but agreed to meet her at my place later in the afternoon for some one on one "girl time."

On my way back to my place, I bumped into NDN and his friend visiting from Ireland, along with her husband. I had allowed them to store a shit load of boxes from Pottery Barn in my apartment, so they wanted to come up and look at them to gauge how to best fit them all in their car. This girl was one of NDN's oldest friends, so it was cool to finally meet her in person. It's too bad that I had my mind so much on other things and wasn't able to enjoy her visit more.

Hammer and I spent the entire day deep in conversation as I cleaned off my book shelves, still in the process of reorganizing my house. It was sorely needed. I hadn't realized how much I miss Hammer too! She is in the midst of an intensely budding romance, and I got to hear all about it. It was a really nice evening, except for one minor altercation with NDN. He and his friends wanted to come pick up the boxes at at time at which I wasn't really available, and I got a little annoyed at him. But that blew over quickly. It was a case of NDN's urgent anxiety meets Hyde's hypersensitivity and newfound crankiness.

Anyway, Hammer and I went for sushi that night (although it wasn't Salmon night!). She did a funny impression of her aunt singing "All of me" in a low voice.

After dinner I walked Hammer to the subway and then called Brick. He was coming to meet me, but he had just had a funny sort of date. Brick met a guy online and they agreed to meet in person for a date over Tasti D Lite. But when Brick saw him, he looked more "like Brick's uncle with cerebral palsy, but Latino... and not in a wheel chair," according to Brick's description. So Brick decided to ditch the date. While his date was using the ATM, Brick basically made a run for it. I couldn't help but laugh at this story.

While I was waiting for Brick to get to my place, I sat in front of my building brooding and chain smoking for a while. Then I called a few friends and ended up having a nice conversation with Dan. Brick took a long time to arrive. I wondered where he was. Little did I know, he was having a bit of an adventure.

When he got to my place, he told me he had met a guy.

"What? Just now?"

"Yeah. On the street. I saw him leaving the gym and we ended up walking next to each other and kept making eye contact," he said. "Then, when we were stopped on the corner, he introduced himself and asked if I wanted to go sit in the park, so I did."

"What?!?!? Is he cute?"

Brick went on to tell me all he knew about the guy.

"He walked me all the way up here!" he exclaimed.

ParkBoy seemed like an exciting new prospect.

And that was Monday.

TUESDAY:

Let me say it plainly-- Tuesday was rough. It was one of the worst days of the week. And I've been having a lot of bad days lately! Actually-- most of my days aren't all bad. Most of them have very low lows, but can roller coaster back to high just as fast. Anyway, I better get on with it if I'm going to get through all of this blogging!

Why was Tuesday so bad? Group sucked. One of our group members-- the now infamous Religrope, was upset about something that happened at an AA meeting. He started to shout about it louder and louder. He got up and waved his arms about. He cursed and screamed. His face turned red. And I didn't want to be there. I don't really want to talk about it again, or think about it again, but I was extremely uncomfortable. Then, to make matters worse, a new girl joined our group. (She was only there for the day, never to be seen from or heard from again!). She showed up in dark sunglasses with a bruised eye and a bruised arm. She sat next to me. I didn't like it. For a whole slew of reasons that I really don't want to get into, I felt uncomfortable. To make matters even worse than that, our regular counselor was out and we had an intern running the group. He never properly introduced himself, nor did he properly introduce the new people, and the whole thing left me feeling horribly shaky and unstable. When the new girl started talking about how her ex-boyfriend beat her up, all of the men in the room (nearly the whole room) got riled up, overflowing with testosterone, talking about how "if that were my daughter!" "if that were my sister!" "Let's go beat that guy up!" I couldn't handle that kind of energy. I had to get out of there.

We usually take a break from 11:00 am-11:30. This time, I decided not to go back in for the second half. Instead, I quickly said goodbye to Brick and made a run for it, jumping on a bus up Madison Avenue. I had no idea where I was going. My mind felt blank and flashing white. My ears were thudding. And I couldn't think of anything. I just wanted to call Narc. Narc, Narc, Narc. So I did. (I wrote a little bit about that day here.) I was shocked when he actually picked up. He said that he was getting a new cable box to go with his high definition TV. I told him that I was "feeling weird."

"That's okay," he said.

"What time are you free later?" he asked.

"After 5:00," I said.

I don't know why I said that. I just did. I was glad he picked up though. (Dare I say it? I'm feeling a little in love again. Shit. Pretend I didn't say that, okay?)

After that phone call, I just stared blankly ahead, my heart pounding, my throat tightening, my eyes flashing. At 60-something street, I got off the bus. My stomach was in knots. I puked in a garbage can. This was miserable.

I had to do something. I felt my face growing hotter and hotter. So, I called some numbers that I had from AA. One woman picked up and talked to me. It helped. Then I called my therapist (who is currently in Switzerland). That helped too. Then I went to meet B for lunch.

B and I ate at Dallas BBQ. He was depressed and I tried to make him feel better. Afterwards, I decided that it was wise to go to another meeting, so I did. Luck would have it, it was a Round Robin meeting, so I ended up speaking a little, which I guess was good for me, given the insanity of the day.

Even so (and I don't know what came over me)-- that night, I scratched my wrist with a razor. Then I made plans to meet Brick for sushi on the Lower East Side.

"Call me when you're getting into a cab," he said.

"Okay."

Only, I didn't get into a cab. I went to Cheers. The Nigerians were there.

"Hey, Hyde! Diet coke?" IrishBird called out.

Before I could answer, she brought one over to me. I started to sip it. My phone rang. It was Brick.

"Hyde?!? Where are you?"

"Not good. Not good," I said.

"What's going on?"

"I'm at Cheers."

"Get out of there!" he exclaimed.

"I know, but..."

"Hyde! Just get out of there now!"

He was right. I threw a few dollars down on the table and walked out. I felt like I was in a daze. I got a cab and went to meet Brick.

We met on St. Mark's. He ate a lot-- two full meals! And we talked. And talked. And talked. I'll say it again-- I'm very grateful to have him in my life right now! Afterwards, I got a bubble tea and he insisted we go to a meeting at Perry Street. He tried to get a cab for us. I saw a roach on the street and felt squeamish. The meeting at Perry Street had a really annoying speaker. But I guess, as they say-- "principles before personalities!"

Just before the meeting, Narc sent me a text-- Reading at Yaffa's for a bit if you want to come by. After the meeting, we stopped to get some red bull. I took some pictures of Brick on the street. Then I had to text Narc back: Out in village with friends now, but enjoy the reading. Anything good?

His reply? Just wrapping up, heading home. Enjoy Village!

I guess you could say everything is pretty "normal" with Narc, huh? Nevertheless, I still felt anxious about it that night. Unresolved. And I still felt really shaken up by all of the emotional turmoil from earlier that day, along with my near relapse.

That night, all I wanted to do was to be a Romantic, smoke, and listen to gloomy music. I don't think Brick "gets" that side of me. He kept encouraging me to put on something more cheerful. But I was enjoying my morbidity. I hung upside down on the couch, my legs slung over the back, the ashtray resting on my stomach. Brick did set after set of push-ups. He has named his biceps-- the right is "PJ" and "Erick" (or CK) is the left, also the weaker of the two. That night, both PJ and CK were getting quite a workout!

It was a rough night for me though. Brick suggested we each make a sober "gratitude list." It took me a long time to make mine. Then, as we fell asleep we listened to the Faure Requiem.

WEDNESDAY:

Wednesday started out with a stressful group. That is-- a stressful group following a stressful morning of Brick rushing me out of the house! Our counselor is leaving in a few weeks, and there were some rumors going around about that, with a lot of confusion. Also, I have a few complaints about the program, as does Brick, and a lot of that came up in the session. There was a new girl joining the group who studies Latin American history. How about that? Another historian!

After group, I ended up talking to that really hot guy in our group-- Senegal.

"Where are you going now?" he asked.

"I don't know... lunch with Brick? How about you?"

"I'm going to Union Square," he said.

A bunch of his friends sell African art there. He asked Brick and I if we wanted to walk down there with him. We agreed.

It was hot out that day. We had to stop at Barnes & Noble for Brick to pee. That left me alone with Senegal. He was being flirty. It was interesting to hear his take on the other characters in group.

Senegal is apparently an amazing chef. He offered to make lunch for me and Brick if we stopped at a grocery first. So from Union Square we set off for Brick's apartment with a pit stop at Whole Foods first.

Senegal made us an absolutely delicious meal of chicken in some kind of sauce made with onion, olives, mustard, peppers, garlic, and some other ingredients I can't remember. While he cooked, we played some of his reggae music and just sat around and talked. Then we went up to eat the feast on the roof. Once there, Senegal told us some absolutely wild stories about his life, including a wild sexual affair he had while in rehab in South Africa (which I have no problem recreating in my mind's eye) and about his ex-girlfriend (who he says looks just like me) with whom he used to do crack. Apparently, the two of them are wanted on the Ivory Coast by the drug maffia. Intense. He also told us about some of his current marital problems.

After we ate, we moved back down into Brick's apartment. His roommate, Bikram, was spread out on the floor trying to assemble the TV stand she just got for their new flat screen TV. Brick wanted to show Senegal the gym in his building, as Senegal is a personal trainer and offered to give me and Brick some work-out tips. We walked him over there, and then he went home. Brick and I took a stroll to Tasti D Lite and tried to process the events of the day. I was wiped out

When we got back to his place, I flopped down on the bed. I wanted to take a nap. Brick had said, at first, that he also wanted to take a nap, but then apparently changed his mind. Instead, he urged me to get up. When I said I didn't want to, he said that I was "annoying him" because all I wanted to do was depressedly lay about. He hurt my feelings. So I left.

I left Brick's building and I called Narc. I left him a message that I was downtown. I wanted to know if he wanted to hang out.

And guess what, guys? He wrote me back! He has been so present lately! (She claps her hands and exclaims "I love it!")

Here, but need to get more writing done. Perhaps get together in a few days.

Hyde: Ok. Just let me know when you're free, then. Good luck with the work. Looking forward to reading the rest of the script. ;)

After that, I just went home and crawled into bed. I was still not feeling great, and I was upset about how I had left things off with Brick. Then, at 10 to 9:00, my phone rang. It was Brick and he was nearly in tears. He apologized for his mood earlier. He said that he was having a hard time. He asked me if I would meet him in Chelsea for a 9:00 meeting.

"Brick! That's in 10 minutes, I really don't think I can."

"Please. I really need you to."

"Okay."

I rolled out of bed, threw on some clothes and jumped into a cab. Brick was, indeed, having a really hard time. I was glad that I could be there for him. And he seemed to feel better after sharing at the meeting.

After that we walked up through Time Square and across to the East Side. Neither of us had eaten dinner, so we decided to go to a diner. By that time it was nearly midnight. We gorged ourselves. I ate chocolate chip pancakes with bananas and Brick had a burger, milkshake and a piece of peach pie with ice cream. It was fun to be indulgent! But seriously-- sometimes it feels like we're both losing our minds.

Anyway, that's all I'm gonna blog for now... I have a lot more to say about the weekend, including a job interview, drama at the piano bar, a Narc update, clubbing with Brick and going to the parade for Pride, and a phone call from a real blast from the past-- Double-T!

But as it's nearly 1:00 am, and I have to get up early tomorrow I'll leave it at that.

love,
h