Lost the Spirit

Yes, I've lost the spirit to blog today.

But I know that an update is long overdue. I wrote this yesterday-- the beginning of a new mega-post. I planned on finishing it today, but I just can't. I feel miserably depressed right now and I need to go get into bed for a few hours.

I am alone. Brick and I became really close really fast, but we're two different people and there's a lot that he just doesn't get about me. I can't explain it to him either. I'm doing my best. It hurts that he doesn't see it that way. Anyway, that's all I can muster for now. So here's what I was working on yesterday. The rest is to follow...

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Wow...my posts are really becoming few and far between! I can't believe I have to work all the way back to last Saturday for a real update! As I write, I'm sitting at Brick's computer, a half melted Dunkin' Donuts Iced Coffee next to me on the desk-- along with a pack of Brick's Marlboro Lights, a dirty soup bowl, Brick's empty coffee cup, my makeup case and an empty pickle jar. Thus is life.

Brick is at the gym. I'm stressed out because I was offered a job yesterday, which I accepted, only today I decided to turn it down. I should have called the guy, but I got too anxious and sent him an email instead. I know, I know... a major cop out for a girl who is supposed to be learning "how to live," but I do what I can... Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's go back to where I left you off-- what seems like a lifetime ago-- sex with Narc on Saturday morning.

After all of that, I ate lunch at my place (and bought NDN a smoked salmon sandwich at the deli) and then came over to Brick's, still in my pajamas, hair uncombed. Such was Saturday's mood. Brick and I sat around for most of the day doing very little of anything. That evening, it was time for our "commitment" meeting, so we set off for the Upper West Side on foot. (I have to say-- I was in considerable pain, given that morning's activities, and it only helped my new ambivalence towards Narc cement itself in my mind).

Just before we left Brick's house, my sister called me. Bro-in-Law was having his birthday party that night, and long before I quit drinking, I had said I would be there. Then, the week that I quit, I told BigSis that I might not be up for the party.

"That might be better anyway," she said. "I really want to drink at the party and I wouldn't feel comfortable drinking in front of you, so this is better. We can do something to celebrate the birthday with you another time."

This conversation was a few weeks ago, and (needless to say?) it really upset me. Basically, she would rather drink (comfortably) at the party than have me there. Of course, I would never expect her guests to abstain, but BigSis had made such a big show of being supportive of me, and here we were at her first real challenge and she would prefer not to have me there than to make a sacrifice for me.

Anyway, she called me on Saturday to say that she "noticed I changed my response on the evite to 'not coming.'"

"Yeah, well, I figured it was better," I said.

"Okay, well we can take you out for a 'special dinner' for Bro-in-Law's birthday," she told me.

I really didn't want to confront this, but at the same time, I couldn't let it slide. I'm supposed to be "expressing my feelings" and not letting them fester, and so I had to say something.

"Honestly, BigSis, I'm don't want a 'special dinner,'" I began. "And I'm a little disappointed in the way you handled this."

"What do you mean?"

This prompted a really long and quasi-painful conversation that lasted nearly the entire time Brick and I trekked through the heat from Chelsea to the Upper West Side. She was very defensive, but I was glad, at least, that I said what I had to say and got it all off my chest.

After that, Brick and I did our duty as "greeters" at the meeting, but didn't stay for the whole thing. The room was incredibly hot and with the sound of the fan, it was nearly impossible to hear anything. So we left and set off, once again on foot, for my place (in Midtown on the East Side).

Our plan was to stay at Brick's again that night, but I had to stop at home to pick up a few things first. I tried on a few possible outfits for the Father's Day barbecue the next day, but couldn't find anything I felt good in. I still haven't been able to lose enough weight to feel comfy in most of my clothes again.

Anyway, I thought that BarMan was playing that night at Cheers, so I asked Brick if he would stop in with me for one or two sodas just to hear BarMan play. He agreed, as long as we weren't to stay that long. One of his suitors-- Lil'Latino wanted Brick to meet him at a pool joint in Chelsea, and I agreed to go with him, given that we didn't stay there too long either.

When we got to Cheers, I realized that BarMan wasn't playing that night (he's set to go on 6/24 instead). But we did see FightingMensch there. There were also quite a few of the old regulars-- Manwich, SurgeonGirl, CaliGirl, DeT, etc. Anyway, we ended up talking to FightingMensch for a while (and also PCuz). I asked FightingMensch how his brother is doing (the one that was arrested for murder) and he updated us on the case. It is really all so tragic. FightingMensch was pretty drunk.

We were there relatively early, so it was pretty much dead, but I was happy for Brick to see the place either way. I was disconcerted because they hired a new (female) bartender for weekends and I didn't know her. Anyway, I sang "Heaven is a Place on Earth."

"Hyde is back!" IrishBird proclaimed.

"No, not back," I laughed. "Just here for a brief visit!"

Brick and I were happy when they played the Divinyls. We drank our sodas and left.

From there, we started walking back to Brick's place. But by this point, it was after 11:00 pm and we still hadn't eaten dinner. So, we stopped in a diner along the way for some delicious chicken fingers. While there, Lil'Latino kept calling Brick to find out where we were. He said he had been waiting for us by the pool table, but that he was going home, and that he would be willing to come back out later. Lil'Latino was upset that we hadn't come by yet and was making a mini-drama out of the whole thing. Brick told him to "just forget it."

So, we never ended up seeing Lil'Latino. Instead, at the end of the night, we ended up back at Brick's and soon to bed.

The next morning, Sunday, was Father's Day. I still hadn't bought my stepfather a present, planning to be lazy about it and run into the Gap that morning. But when Brick and I set out at about 10:00 am, I found that the Gap was closed, along with nearly every other neighborhood store. Brick had an idea though-- that I go to the gourmet supermarket and make him a food basket. I though it was perfect.

We walked through the baking summer sun with Brick's roommate's little yapping dog on a leash. Once there, I picked out all the things, my stepfather likes best-- sopresata, provelone, fruit, nuts, bread, espresso, etc. We arranged all of the goodies in a basket and Brick had the brilliant idea of filling in the spaces with baby's breath. It looked beautiful! The only downside? It wasn't easy to schlep on the train.

Brick had one of the worse iced coffees ever at Penn Station, and BigSis and Bro-in-Law picked us up when we arrived on Long Island. The first thing I did when we got in the car was to ask them about the party and to tell them that I wasn't mad at anyone, and that we could talk about it all some other time. Then we resumed doing what we do best in my family-- denial. Everyone acted as if everything were fine.

Once at my house, my mom was running around like a chicken with her head cut off, getting things ready. Brick and I carried some of the food down to the deck area and then went about dicing vegetables for a salad we call a "Daddy Salad" in my family, as my dad used to always make it. Before long, the guests began to arrive-- Bro-in-Law's parents and sister and her two children, D&D, my mom's sister and her husband and my two cousins, Jail and Jol, and my grandpa. Brick also got to meet LilSis and JBC.

The day was spent the way most family barbecues are spent-- lounging around the pool, getting too much sun (in the opinion of this pale, indoor girl!) and eating too much food!

At some point, my phone started to ring. It was that unmistakable "Zarathustra" melody-- it was Narc. I let it go to voice mail and quickly checked the message. Basically, he said that he was in Midtown and wanted to come to my place ("ye with the cable connection") to watch Entourage later that night.

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Obviously, this post is to be continued.

Hope you are all feeling better than I am on this miserably gray Saturday.

Honestly, you guys... I wish I weren't here anymore.

love,
h