The Monster Post: Part IV

I am such a blogging slacker these days that it's unbelievable. This is going to have to be the last of these "monster posts" and I'm going to have to come up with some new sort of blogging schedule, as it's getting harder and harder for me to find the time to write.

Second of all, I have to apologize for the poorly written nature of this post. As I write, Brick is wandering about my apartment, trying to empty my clutter into garbage bags, asking me every other second whether or not he can throw something away. I love him dearly and it's quite a service, but I have to say-- it makes it a little difficult to get my blogging done!

So... what was I up to? Last Saturday? Here's as much as I can remember from last week:

Last Saturday was a work day for me. I was supposed to meet up with Hammer in the afternoon, but I completely forgot about it until I was at Brick's house grading papers. I was feeling very moody and antisocial that day. Perhaps it was because I had an endless mile of work stretched out ahead of me, and the pressure of a Monday deadline.

That night, we tried out a new meeting together-- one on the Upper West Side. And we both liked it. Both of us spoke during the meeting, which prompted a lot of people to introduce themselves to us afterwards. We ended up inadvertently committing to a sixth month position as "greeters." We may have to do something about that...

Afterwards, we set off on foot, walking all the way from the Upper West Side back to Chelsea, stopping for a quick bite at Subway along the way. At one point during our walk, a French speaking tourist asked us if we knew where he could find a mailbox to send some postcards. He was in quite a hurry. As there was nary a mailbox in sight, we agreed to take the postcards for him and mail them when we found one. That night, we stayed at Brick's place in Chelsea, once again falling asleep to the sounds of the first few scenes of Beaches.

On Sunday morning, it was back to the grading for me! I settled in on Brick's couch while he went to work out. Hmm... I was thinking about Narc. I tried to forget about him and to concentrate on my grading instead, but I had little resolve. Brick and I were apart for less than an hour when I caved in to my urge to contact him. I was worried because I had ignored all of his attempts to contact me on Thursday and I didn't want him to think I was angry at him. So I wrote him a quick text: How's the apartment looking? Did you ever get those trellises up?

He answered me and told me that he was trying to sell a few pieces of furniture and we exchanged several texts about that. Of course, we skirted anything real. And that was that.

When Brick came back from the gym, I had to confess my sins and then I got straight back to work with the grading. Eventually, we decided to part ways, and I continued to grade back at my place. Brick came over later in the evening and made a suggestion-- that I get rid of all of the drugs and alcohol that remained in my house. I was loathe to do it. But I agreed. I must have had over 20 bottles of booze gleaming and glistening atop the tall cabinet in my living room. I gave the Cuban rum and the Argentine wine and half a bottle of Sky vodka to NDN and set about pouring out the rest. Brick helped me carry the armloads of bottles into the bathroom and from there the bottles were opened and the liquor flowed. Bottle after bottle we poured into the bathtub, the scents setting my nose on fire. I ran my hands under the wine. The smell of ouzo brought me back to dinner in the Greek restaurant after college choir practice. The chambourd was sweet. I dabbed it on my neck. Brick didn't think that was such a good idea. We took some pictures as I poured it all out. But I didn't like it. I didn't like it at all. And in fact, it set in quite a trauma. We also dumped the end of my cocaine, marijuana, ecstasy, used razor blades, my mirror and some bloody tissues. I felt an emptiness in my chest. An indescribable anxiety--hollow, as if I had ceased to exist on some fundamental level. That's all I want to say about that, as to go any further would require tapping into something I really don't want to tap into right now...

We decided to go to a 9:15 meeting in Times Square, and I needed it. We set out on foot in the rain. And quite a heavy rain it was! By the time we got to the meeting, we were drenched to the bone. The meeting was in a rather creepy room. I don't have much more to say about it than that...

After the meeting, I started to freak out. I couldn't breathe at all and felt like I was about to vomit. Brick asked if I were okay, and I honestly wasn't. So he asked if I wanted him to stay with me that night. I did. But he had to pick up some things from his place first, so we walked down there from the meeting. I still couldn't get myself to feel okay and instead felt like I was verging on a panic attack. I don't want to go into any more of it than that, but Brick plus a few phone calls managed to calm me down. And at least it had stopped raining! We walked from his place back to my apartment where I finished up grading. Brick went to bed at around 2:00 am and I finally turned in just after 3:00.

The next morning when we got to our group therapy, Religrope approached me right away to apologize for his behavior on the previous Thursday. I can only guess that our counselor called him over the weekend and told him that I was upset, as I know that Brick talked to her. He was a little overly enthusiastic about his apology, but the fact that he made the effort was enough for me.

Anyway, more to come, I promise... But Brick distracted me tonight and I'm tired right now. Brick fears that now you won't like him. But I say, "how can you not?"

Now I must sleep. Or else, in the illustrious words of Narc, tomorrow I will be "dying...!"

I miss you all in blogland and hopefully will soon return to my diligent blogging ways.

good night!

love,
hyde