The Monster Post: Part I

This is going to be long... long enough to have to chop this monster post up into segments. For now, I'm going to try to get through Memorial Day weekend. The rest of the week is forthcoming...

I have a lot to write about a very long and somewhat strange weekend and then a longer and stranger week. I can't believe how much time I've let pass without dutifully reporting the details here on the Annals! I guess I'll just pick up where I can...

For most of the day Saturday, I was miserably depressed. I couldn't get myself up, nor could I get myself to do anything. I lay on my couch hour after hour, mindlessly soaking in Dr. Phil and One Life to Live. While you can't knock daytime soaps during May Sweeps, it's kind of a shitty time of year to quit drinking and become more domestic. Most of the good shows just finished their seasons.

Anyway, I ignored the phone for most of the day and cancelled my evening's plans with Dan. Just before 10:00 pm, I got a text from Narc:

Ugh. Such a long day!! May have to succumb to the Patriot indeed.

And then, just before 11:00: Double ugh. Just got here, and somehow, even the Patriot no longer seems to thrill... (sigh).

I was filled with a strange feeling-- a wistfulness, a wishfulness, a pain. There is nothing left to be said between me and Narc. Nothing at all. Yet, here we still are. Here we are.

So, I wrote back: That's cause I'm not there... ;)

N: Indeed. Just wanted to get out for a bit, but this is like being alone with other people...! Kill me now...

N: New Powerbook is nice though...

H: Yay! You'll have to show it to me next time I'm there...

In the meanwhile, in the middle of all this, I was on the phone with LilSis. She and I had a pretty intense conversation. I normally never talk to her about my personal life. In that respect, I'm much closer with BigSis. But I have to say-- it was kind of nice. Then I ended up on the phone with Brick. He was a little upset about an issue he had with a guy he's dating. And as for me? I felt better than I had felt all afternoon, but not quite up to going out for Saturday night. Besides, I wasn't sure how to handle "Saturday night" sober... So I waffled around, ironing my hair, chatting on the phone and texting Narc.

I wrote to Narc again: So... Why such a long day? And is the Patriot getting any better with whiskey?

N: Nah. Long day because I was transferring data between old Mac and new.

H: Oh. Well, at least it was productive! I watched way too much TV today...

N: Chattin' with our friend here from last time, says he remembers you.

H: What's his name?

N: Forget... Black dude from Texas.

H: Does he work there? Anyway, if he knows me, tell him I say hi!

In the meanwhile, Brick and I were both restless and neither knew what to do with ourselves. It was after midnight. At 12:35, he wrote to me: Can't sleep...u? So, I called him. We agreed that we wanted to meet up. What was there for two alcoholics to do on a Saturday night in New York City? Why, an AA meeting, of course! I looked in the book and found a 2:00 am meeting on Houston street. Perfect!

Brick had a car in the city, so he said that he would come pick me up at around 1:30. While I was waiting, I got another text from Narc, who apparently was still at the Patriot: "Victoria Secret... well that stuff's REAL nice..."

("Redneck Woman" is ALWAYS playing there!)

I wrote him back: But I can buy the same damn thing on the Wallmart shelf half price!

Brick got to my place at around 1:45. Windows open, music pumped up, and cigarettes in hand, we cruised down Second Avenue, through the tangle of drunken stragglers in the East Village, the air electric with energy. Luckily, we found a parking space near to the meeting and headed in.

I won't go into the details of what took place in the meeting, as I don't think it's entirely appropriate, but I will say this-- it was quite a unique experience with a lot of interesting characters and a near violent episode. When Brick spoke, he said something that really resonated with me. The meeting ended at 3:15 am, and I'm really glad that I went. Afterwards, Brick asked me if I wanted to come back to his place. I agreed, and we settled in on the couch to watch Memoirs of a Geisha.

Instead of getting started with the movie, though, we just talked and talked. I was surprised that I hadn't heard again from Narc (I was anticipating a drunk dial) so at around 10 to 5:00, I sent him a message: Still out? Or did you call it quits? I didn't hear back.

Brick and I talked straight through until nearly 6:00 am. We did finally get started with the movie, but didn't make it very far before I fell asleep on the couch and he headed for bed.

The next afternoon, he was headed to his sister's place in NJ, so I stopped at the supermarket with him before he dropped me off at my place. I showered and changed and checked the blogs for a while, and then B called. He wanted to know if I wanted to meet him to watch the DaVinci Code. I agreed and met him at the movie theater at around 4:30. On my way there, I called Narc. He didn't pick up, but I left a message, telling him briefly about the AA meeting with Brick the night before, and that I was on my way to see the DaVinci Code with B.

After the movie, B and I went for Chinese, and marveled over how much the movie sucked. The only good thing about it was Paul Bettany, who I was crushing on even though he played a violent, creepy, albino monk. In the middle of dinner, I realized that I had an unchecked voice mail and it was from Narc!

(If you wanna hear it, it's here! Pretty fucking cool, huh?)

So, I wrote him back after I got that message:

H: The movie kind of sucked. :( But at least I got to see a preview for "the Lady in the Water!"
N: They completely butchered that preview! Supposed to be "bedtime story," but after the test screening bombed, they recut it as a horror flick...

H: Weird! It was definitely horror but still was hard to figure out what the fuck was going on... So, how's your throat? Any better?

N: Better, yes. Water and lemon juice solved the problem. Just chillin' at the Goose now, bored, depressed, etc. May see "X3" later, who knows...

H: Glad you're feeling better! This gross humid weather is enough to depress anyone. I'm about to jump into a cold shower...

And then, later...

N: Can't believe I'm going to this movie... is there truly nothing else?

N: Couldn't do it! Halfway to the theater before I turned around... Back home instead.

H: Hmmm... Wanna hang out later? Or are you to bed really early?

N: Will be up for a bit, can come over if you like. Besides, have an amazing new game you myst try!

H: K! Will be there at 11 ish...

So, I was off to Narc's. I can't even remember at this point all the details. Nothing dramatic happened. We watched So You Think You Can Dance? and had a lot of sex. Narc showed me the new video game that works creating techno music as you play. Later, he lent me a copy of a computer game called Myst.

I'm sure I'm forgetting a lot here, but such is the nature of tardy blogging!

The next morning, we screwed around some more, but I had to get up and out. Narc complained that he didn't have any memorial day plans.

"You could always come with me," I suggested.

I had plans to meet NDN and co. for a Memorial Day picnic in Central Park. I had invited Dan to come along the previous day, and we had agreed to meet at my building at 12:30. When I asked Narc if he wanted to come, I didn't think he would take me up on it. I mean, think about it-- Narc... PICNICKING... with ME... in Central Park! Um... no. I couldn't picture it. But, he said "yes." (He said YES?!?!). I wasn't sure how NDN would feel about our additional guest (well, actually, I WAS sure, but still...). But there it was. We got dressed, slathered on some sunblock and headed back to midtown to meet the others for the picnic.

Back at my place, Narc parked himself on the couch while I scurried about looking for my sunglasses (which I STILL haven't found... Grr...). I had to rush over to my computer and shut down any open windows and clear the history, etc. while Narc was in the bathroom, so there wouldn't be a chance of him finding my blog. I was still running around the place like a madwoman when my doorbell rang. It was Dan, and it had been nine months since I saw him last!

Dan was all set for the picnic with his sandwich and chocolates and treats straight from Japan. I was happy to see him and we shared a warm hug hello, but then I told him that Narc was sitting in the living room. I wasn't sure what his reaction would be, as he's often expressed curiosity as to what Narc is like. (Luckily, Dan seemed to be okay with everything, as he explained over on his blog... ) Narc and Dan and I all talked for a few minutes while I continued to search for my sunglasses, find more sunblock, a few towels and whatever else we might need. I tried to aid the conversation flow by pointing out that they had both spent time in Japan. Finally, we were ready to head to the lobby to meet NDN.

NDN met us there with his friend, RDN-- a Russian guy who lives in our building on the 5th floor. NDN has recently been spending a lot of time with this new friend, and I didn't really know him at all. The only time I had met him was for a five second hello at a roof party, the weekend Flash was here. So, it was to be Hyde and the four boys. We set off for the Amish Market to pick up some goodies for the picnic.

I have to say-- I hate the summer; I hate the sunshine and the heat and the humidity; I hate Central Park. It was a rather stranger gathering of people--what NDN might refer to as "awkward." But, all of that said, I was trying to stay in good spirits. The picnic was actually pretty fun. The only annoying part? When RDN and I got into a huge debate regarding nutrition. He was making a pretty simplistic and inane argument and refused to widen his view to include any sort of variety or nuance. This discussion went on for quite some time, until we had to "agree to disagree." (Narc weighed in on my side of the debate, while NDN and Dan stayed silent).

I couldn't help but notice throughout this time that Narc wasn't demonstrating any sort of affection towards me. He was 100% neutral. If you didn't know us, and you didn't know the situation, you might as well have thought that we just met each other that day!

After a while, we were all tired of laying about, NDN wanted to get to the banya, RDN had work to do, and Narc wanted to go check out the penguins at the zoo. So NDN and RDN went on their way, while Narc, Dan and I trekked down roughly 20 blocks to the zoo's entrance. The entire time, Narc walked a few paces ahead, with Dan and I talking and hurrying behind. It was fucking HOT OUT!!!

We started off with the polar exhibit and wound around, eventually seeing the entire zoo. My favorite part was spotting a baby monkey inside the Rainforest Exhibit. But even with that in mind, I have to say, I found looking at animals to be pretty depressing. It made me feel very limited somehow. And although it was no longer "awkward" to be traipsing around with Narc and Dan, it still didn't feel quite right to me. Especially as Narc was still not showing an ounce of affection. Also-- Dan did an excellent job at treating Narc "neutrally," but I had to wonder what he thought about him after having heard so much for so long.

On the way out of the zoo, Narc stopped and picked up a plush stuffed penguin. He held it, almost as if he wanted me to buy it for him. I am well aware that I never gave him a birthday present. In fact, every time I think of it, I get a guilty knot in my stomach and a queasy choke in my chest. (Why? Because I"m a crazy motherfucker.) Even so, I feel like if I give him yet another gift, it's the wrong thing to do. So I walked over, smiled at the penguin, and Narc and urged him to head on. I bought a snow cone, and all three of us stopped at the ATM. Finally it was time to part ways.

"What are you doing later?" I asked Narc, as he positioned himself to hail a cab.

"I don't know... Maybe I'll go home and take a dip in the pool. After that... nothing, I guess. How 'bout you?"

"Um... nothing... no plans."

He didn't say anything, so I continued.

"So... do you think you might wanna meet up again later?"

"Oh, um, yeah... sure. Why don't you just give me a call or something later tonight?"

"Yeah, okay."

That stiff conversation was followed by an even stiffer hug, and that was it. Narc disappeared.

Dan and I walked over to Park and jumped in a cab ourselves. I could think no further than getting myself into some sort of air conditioned space and washing my face. So, we came back to my place. Dan chilled on the couch, while I freshened up, and NDN stopped by for a few more minutes. Later on, Hammer called. LilHamm was in town visiting, and I was excited to meet her. So Dan and I made plans to head down to the Village that night for dinner with Hammer, LilHamm, and LilHamm's boyfriend.

On the way down, I sent Narc a text: Heading to village to meet Hammer & some for dinner. So will be downtown. You're welcome to join at any pt. Call later if you want...

We got there first and settled in at a modern looking Thai restaurant called Isle. It was a fun dinner. None of us could figure out if our waiter was male or female; there were a few language difficulties; and I talked a lot about my teaching techniques.

After dinner, we decided to head to Marie's Crisis-- the infamous piano bar where Hammer met SingMan! Unfortunately, the pianist was rather obnoxious, and insisted on playing the most esoteric selections! Our crew took a seat near the bar-side of the piano. There were two long haired boys nearby-- one with a ponytail. Both of them could clearly sing. I sang If I Loved You, but the pianist seemed uninterested. He had his group of "regulars" and that was that. I was surprised at around 10:00 when I got a text from Narc: Where in Village? I answered him with the address of Marie's. Not even five minutes later, he strolled in!

Now, this was weird. I can't quite explain why, but if you've been reading this blog for a while, I'm sure you understand... Narc in a gay piano bar with me, Hammer, Dan, Hammer's sister and Hammer's sister's boyfriend? What the fuck?!?!

When Narc came in, the pianist immediately started hitting on him. He asked Narc if he had any special requests.

"No, I'm not really a singer," Narc said. "And I don't know these songs."

"He knows Rent!" someone chimed in. (I think it was Hammer).

"Yeah, Hyde here sings a mean Light My Candle," Narc said. He gestured towards me. He wasn't standing next to me. He was being aloof.

"Are you gay or straight?" the pianist asked, eyebrow arched.

"Straight." Narc looked uncomfortable.

"Is Hyde your girlfriend then?"

"Um, no... Just friends!" I piped in. I swear-- I was fucking ready to kill this pianist!

"Yeah, nobody's dating here!" Narc said, as if the point needed some added emphasis.

I was going to die when he said that. It hurt me to my core. And it kept getting worse.

"Well, if you're straight and single, so is M over here!" the pianist said, pointing to a girl on his left.

"I don't know... I'm kind of living a monkish existence these days."

(And this is his reality???)

I turned around to look at Narc.

"That's news to me!"

Later on that evening, the pianist took up an interesting tune-- Denial. It couldn't have been more appropriate! LilHamm's boyfriend left first, and then after a while, Dan decided to cut out too. It was just me, the Hammer sisters and Narc. From across the piano, the boy with the ponytail kept making eye contact with me while he sang. He had very round eyes and his hair was curly. When it was nearly midnight, fatigue started to set in. We all decided to take off, but PonytailBoy decided to grab my arm before we could make it all the way to the door.

"You're a really amazing singer!" he said.

"Um... thanks."

"No, really! Do you sing anywhere?"

"Professionally? No."

"Well you should come up and see me sometime. I work at a piano bar uptown."

"Really? Where is it?"

He gave me the address and it happens to be only 12 blocks from where I live! I asked him his name.

"PonytailBoy!" he smiled. Then he clasped my hand. "Come up there. You're really good."

"I will."

I texted his information to myself and joined the rest of my group on the corner. Hammer and LilHamm asked if Narc and I wanted to come "party" on the roof.

"What do you mean by 'party'?" I asked.

"I don't know... just come up there and hang out!" Hammer laughed.

Narc said he was tired though and was getting moody. It was weird to see him a few steps ahead of me on the street talking to LilHamm. Hammer like Narc's "summer outfit"-- his khaki pants and his black button down shirt.

When we got to Hammer's building, Narc didn't want to go up. Instead, he wanted to home.

"But you can stay here and hang out," he said casually... as if he didn't care.

"No. I'm coming with you."

So we said goodbye to the Hammer sisters and were on our way.

******************************

Brick is here right now, and he says "hello" to all of you out there in blogland. Yay! I don't have time to finish Monday night's tale right now. But bottom line-- I went to the Patriot with Narc, but didn't drink. He was cold to me all night.

This post is clearly to be continued.

lots of love,
h

PS: I didn't even give this a full once over, and since I wrote it in stages, there are probably a lot of mistakes. Forgive me this once! Thanks! :)