Falling Out of Love

Here are the words you never thought you'd hear... I am starting to not care about Narc! I don't hate him; I don't love him. But after last night, I realize that I don't care as much.

How did this all come about? Well... let's backtrack a little. I think I left you all off on Wednesday night-- after Brick and I hung out on his roof, I came back to my place to clean up a bit, be morose and blog. I called and left Narc a message, telling him that "I miss him." Then I went about my business. At nearly 11:00 pm, I went into the shower. While I was in there, Narc called me back. He said that he was just getting out of an "Eight at 8:00" dinner but that it was lame and there were no interesting people there.

"I'm in meatpacking right now, if you want to hang," he said. "But I'm heading home."

I waited until nearly midnight and then I called him back. He didn't pick up. I was feeling really anxious.

In the meanwhile, Brick was out playing pool with his friend J. He had invited me to join, but I was depressed and slow moving. I finally headed out to meet him at 12:30 or so. He was wrapping up his night, so instead, arranged to meet me on the street corner near his house. From there we walked back to his place. I was shaken up. I flopped onto his bed. He gave me his amethyst to hold (the one the I bought for him a few days ago). It helped a little. After that, we just talked, read a little in bed and went to sleep.

The next morning we went to group together. That strange guy, Religrope, has accepted that I don't want to be friends with him, but he has still been talking quite a bit to Brick. That day, he started saying inappropriate things to Brick too. I guess he just likes to cross people's sexual boundaries. Meanwhile, our counselor was out on vacation. I absolutely can't stand Miss Incompetent, the assistant who was left there to help with our group. She made some dumb ass comment about how going to AA meetings is harder for women because we need time to do feminine things like "get our nails done" and "go shopping." Brick called her out on it. She's a fucking moron. Meanwhile, during the break, I gave my phone number to Senegal. He told me that he's a good chef, and I said that I would love to try his cooking sometime. But even though he's hot and he flirts with me, I can't imagine that a married, recovering crack addict is the best way for me to move on from Narc!

After group, Brick and I walked back to my place and had lunch. I was feeling really depressed and collapsed limpidly on the couch. He suggested that at least we get some fresh air, so we took some towels and went to sun bathe on the roof-- me with frequent reapplications of SPF 45. While there, we saw the super watering plants. He scolded me for improper recycling.

We lay out for a long time, comparing "war stories." We have both been through some absolutely crazy shit! When we could bake for no more, we headed in. I freshened up, and then we walked over to Brick's place. He went to the gym while I blogged for a bit. Our plans for the night? An AA meeting and then a dinner to celebrate Brick's 30 days.

The meeting we chose was a "fourth step" meeting just a block or two from Brick's apartment. A friend of his was going to be speaking there. During that meeting, I did a lot of thinking about myself and about the steps. I have definitely got the first step, but not the second-- the one that focuses on the whole issue of "surrender."

When we got out, I got those drunk voice mails from Narc. (I detailed that whole drama in my last post-- The Fading.) While we had initially planned on cooking a whole meal, we were both tired, so Brick suggested we eat at Subway instead. There, we bumped into a friend of his, but I was too obsessed with the Narc messages to pay much attention. Afterwards, we decided to go to Monster. While we were walking there, Hammer called me. As she lives right near the place in the West Village, I suggested that she join us. Brick was being really sweet and supportive and comforting to me the whole time as we walked to the bar.

Hammer met us outside the bar. We saw a few of the regulars there. Some really drunk belligerent guy kept bumping into Hammer and talking to her and then started annoying Brick and picking a fight with the guys sitting across from us. I sang Suddenly Seymour with a guy we saw there the last time (who seems to have a regular seat at the right hand of the pianist). Then I sang All I Ask of You with a guy who had quite a lovely voice. Although, I have to say-- that's my duet with Brick and I'll be happy the day that he's willing to sing it with me in public!

Once again, I sang a million and one songs and got a lot of praise from the people around me. There were a lot of strange characters there-- one guy gave $20 to the pianist because of how I sang. He requested a song or two from me, but I didn't know one, and on the other, the pianist didn't know the part. We saw a guy that Hammer and I have dubbed "the Wizard on heroin." We had seen him once before at Marie's. Last night, he praised my singing and Hammer closely monitored his progress hitting on some girl. We also saw a guy named "Bottom"-- one of Brick's suitors. The story between him and Brick goes back a bit and I don't feel like telling it all again here, but let's just put it this way-- he is really into Brick and Brick is a pro at keeping this guy (and several others!) on a string. I am learning a lot from watching Brick's ways with men. He is an expert at the carefully worded disinterested text and ignoring when appropriate. It's awesome.

Hammer agreed with me that there was something nihilistic and "Hopper-esque" about that particular place. But leave it to Hammer-- she managed to find a semi-suitor-- some guy whose shoes she stepped on while buying diet cokes for us. All in all, it was a really fun night and it managed to get my mind off of drunk Narc for the time being.

At around 1:00 am, Hammer was tired and wanted to go, so she led me and Brick out of the bar. We said good night and Brick and I headed up towards his place in Chelsea. While we were walking home, a cute boy jumped up on Brick from behind while passing by with two other friends.

"Huh?" I was confused.

"That's Lil'Latino," Brick explained.

Brick had a few dates with this guy and Lil'Latino is really into him, even though Brick isn't feeling it. Brick bumped into him at the pool hall on Wednesday and afterwards, Lil'Latino sent Brick a text saying something to the effect of: You can't even look me in the eye...

As he and his friends passed us on the street, Brick heard him telling his friends that Brick was really cute. So, Brick decided to torture this guy a little and send a text. (Again, I'm approximating here, as I don't have Brick's texts on hand):

Nice to stop and say hello, he wrote.

Back at Brick's place, he was hungry and cooked some chicken. I was still feeling anxious about Narc. Brick got some texts back from Lil'Latino. Lil'Latino really wanted to come over, and kept telling Brick so.

Calm down, boy! Brick wrote back.

I was laughing at all of this.
After that, Brick and I just lay in bed and talked for a while. Narc was still on my mind. Finally, I fell asleep.

The next morning, I awoke to that text from Narc-- the one that said "Dying..." (You can read all about that in my previous post.) As you know, I left Brick's place upset and came home and blogged. After a while it was time for me to go meet Nipkins for dinner.

I haven't seen Nipkins in a really long time. I don't think I've ever talked much about her here, so I'll give you some background. Nipkins went to Barnard while I was at Columbia and we had a lot of friends in common. I, however, was never really friendly with her. Then, four years ago, I won a fellowship from the National Endowment for Humanities to go spend a summer studying in London. It was a program for teachers. When I looked on the list of who else was in the program (a random collection of about 12 teachers from around the country) I found Nipkins on the list. How strange! I immediately called her and found that she was still in New York City. So we met and then spent the summer of 2002 as roommates together in London. That was the summer I was still reeling from my breakup with B, and it was great to have her throughout all of that. Nipkins has always had her own slew of anxiety and self esteem issues and never had a real long term relationship. She's also been depressed for quite some time. But today, when I saw her, she was totally different. She seemed lighter and more self confident. She told me she had met a great guy and had sorted through a lot of issues with her family. She was radiating a sort of contentment. It made me feel good-- like what I'm going through is not something so absurd and unique to me because I have a problem with alcohol, but that part of being in your 20's in general is about figuring out who you are and what you want and how to be an adult and how to accept yourself and your family.

Anyway, we ate dinner at a cute Italian place in the East 20's. Afterwards, I hugged her goodbye and started walking back to my place. As I was going, I got a text from Narc:

Watching DVDs on the laptop just ain't the same, somehow...

(Narc just sold his TV because he is getting a new high definition flat screen, but it hasn't come in yet).

I wrote back and then we ended up on the phone.

"I could come over to your place with some DVD's," he said.

"Wait, what? You wanna come to me?"

"Yeah! I don't have a TV. There's nothing to do here..."

"Um... okay. So.... you wanna come now?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. Just meet me at Cheers."

I don't know why I said for him to meet me at Cheers, especially as I had to go home and take care of a few things first-- like hide my internet history and clear the cached files. Also, I am a few days late and out of paranoia had just taken a pregnancy test which was still laying on the bathroom sink. (Thank god, it was negative).

So, I got home and did all that. Then I raced back out to Cheers.

It was super crowded in there, as it was the tail end of Friday night Happy Hour. I saw BarMan as I came in and he gave me a hug hello. PumpedUp was tending bar.

"Hyde! Long time, no see! Are you still off the sauce?"

"Yeah. 39 days now."

"Unbelievable!"

PCuz came over and asked for my order.

"Diet coke, please."

"Damn, Hyde! Still not drinking? Why not?"

"Because!" I exclaimed. "I'm an alcoholic!"

"I'm a raging alcoholic," he laughed. "But that doesn't stop me! I'm not a quitter!"

I laughed, although it really wasn't funny.

Just then, PumpedUp came back over to chat. An odd look came over his face. I turned to see what he was looking at behind me and I saw Narc.

"Hey! You getting a drink?" I asked, as I turned to kiss him hello.

"No. Not for me. I had enough last night."

"Okay. Let me just finish this soda, then."

Narc looked weird-- strange to me. "Strange" like a "stranger." His hair is much shorter now than it ever has been and I can't quite get used to it. On top of that, he was in "summer mode" in khaki colored linen shorts with a white button down short sleeved shirt, unbuttoned at the top. He looked different. I didn't like it. His face looked too full. I was oddly unattracted to him.

"So, I guess you ate already?" he asked.

"Yeah, with Nipkins."

"Well, I'm gonna get a bite, if you don't mind."

Narc and I went into Subway where I waited for him to order a sandwich, and then back to my place. He didn't say anything about the new things I've hung up, like the chandelier and the paintings. Half of my bookshelves were torn apart, though, and the new baskets I got with Brick were in the middle of the living room.

"I'm in the middle of reorganizing," I explained.

Narc sat down to eat his sandwich and I lit up a cigarette. I had on dark red velvety lipstick and I liked catching my reflection in the mirror with the smoke slowly wafting out from between my lips.

"Been smoking a lot more?" Narc laughed pointing out the full ashtray and the empty cigarette boxes scattered about.

"Well, me and Brick... We've been together like every night," I said.

"Oh?"

"Yeah, it's weird... Getting sober is hard for me."

(I'm still pretending that Narc is right when I'm with him-- that we are not alcoholics. But that is starting to change.)

"Not me," he said.

(We both ignored the fact that he was incoherently drunk the night before.)

Narc started telling me some story about PopStarChick.

"Gorgeous women in this city have to be careful," he said. "But women get so blinded by money. It's the way that they are. PopStarChick got conned. And this takes the cake."

"That's terrible! What happened?" Inside, I rolled my eyes.

"I mean, ModelChick was conned, the Exhibitionist... men just want to use them for sex. And now PopStarChick. This old guy took her out to the Hamptons and told her he wanted to start a lingerie line for and then somehow managed to swindle $2,000 out of her. It sucks for her because she's broke to begin with."

"That's awful."

"Yeah, well, she's 23 and wants to believe that these men will give her money and want her for her talent."

I didn't know what to say.

"Ah, the folly of youth..." I awkwardly smiled.

Narc went on to tell me how PopStarChick met him and James at a cute little French spot for lunch the day before and they offered her a job as a hostess.

"Good for her..."

I really get annoyed when he talks about her non-stop. Having just read back to last June, I realized that the 16th is "Bloomsday." I saw Narc last year on Bloomsday and he was texting her then too.

Anyway, Narc and I put on the director's cut of "The Abyss," which I had never seen. He shut off all the lights in my house except the Christmas lights "for atmosphere." Then we settled in to watch.

Narc was sitting on one end of the couch, and I stretched out with my head in his lap. There was really no chemistry there though. He made a few dry comments as the movie went on, and each time he did, I turned to look up at him. His face looked full. His body felt familiar to me, but he still looked like a stranger. I felt disconcerted looking at him.

I talked a lot about Brick and I think he was jealous-- that I have someone new to bum around with every night, the way I used to bum around with him... except that Brick and I are sober. Where was Brick during all this? Out in New Jersey at a birthday dinner for his mom. We had left things on sort of ambiguous terms, as I was really upset when I left his house earlier. So, at around 11:00, I sent him a text to clear up what was going on between us:

:) How was your dinner? I wrote.

Brick called me and told me that he was in the car with his mom and she was driving him back to the city. She had given him a present-- a gorgeous watch, as he is embarking on a "new time" in his life. He said he would be back in the city at around midnight and I told him to call me then. Narc and I went back to watching the movie.

When Brick called later, the movie was still on, but almost over. I told him I would call him back in a few. I could tell that he was disappointed in me that I was with Narc. Well... it was more than intuition. He expresely said so. I was so confused about the Narc issue, though, and about my feelings towards Narc at that very moment, that I didn't have space in my head to worry about Brick being mad at me.

When the movie ended, Narc switched on the TV.

"It's hot in here," he complained.

"It's cooler in the bedroom. Wanna go in there?"

"Sure."

First I called Brick back.

"Still wanna meet up tonight?" I asked.

"Yeah, definitely."

"Okay. Well are you gonna be up for a little while? Can I call you in a bit?"

"Okay."

I told Narc that I would be meeting Brick later. The look on his face was priceless. How many times has he done something like that to me? Had me over his place, had me assuming that I would be staying the night and then make plans with someone else without inviting me?

In any case, Narc and I moved into my bedroom and lay down together on the bed. It wasn't long before we were having sex. It was strange though. I still wasn't feeling it. I didn't know him. I didn't really want him. I couldn't fathom why I was in the middle of what I was in the middle of. It's almost as if the entire past two years of memories with him had disappeared. There was a certain familiarity between the two of us, but that was it. Everything else between us was unreal. Last week at an AA meeting, someone quoted Mark Twain and the line stuck with me. (I can't remember it word for word, but it was something like this): "I've been through some really hard things in my life and some of it really happened.

That's EXACTLY how I felt about my entire relationship with Narc. Does that make any sense at all?

"Your phone is beeping," Narc said when we were done having sex.

I went to check the message. It was Brick.

Going to bed. Gnight.

Uh oh. He was pissed at me. I called him back right away. He didn't answer. I knew the phone would be lying next to him in the bed. So I called again. He still didn't answer. So this time I left him a message. Then I sent him a text:

?? Was heading over but guess I will just stay here. I miss you! Nite...

Courage to change the things we can... he wrote back.

Hyde: I was coming to you. Are you asleep? Should I got to bed? Anyway-- it's official... I'm not in love anymore.

Brick: Then why would u stay... Did u ever make that meeting?

After that, I called him. He picked up. He said he wasn't mad at me, but I could tell that he was. He said he was disappointed in me. I felt sad and conflicted. I feel like I'm trying my best, but I can't do anything right for anyone right now. I think at the heart of the problem is that I'm still trying to please other people. I felt guilty for being with Narc because of Brick. This is not Brick's problem. It's mine. And if I were going to feel responsible to anyone for my actions, it should have been myself. I couldn't sort it all out last night though. Not having just had sex and with Narc still laying in my bed and Brick annoyed at me on the other end of my phone. I just wanted to go to sleep. So I got back into bed.

"Guess you can stay here after all," I said to Narc. "Brick decided to go to bed."

In the meanwhile, Hammer had texted me: How's N?

(This was at about 1:30 am)

This is fucked up, I wrote her back. Brick is disappointed in me...

It's ok... Remember, Enlightenment then Revolution. Relax. You're doing great. PS: With Tad and Sissy.

With nothing else to do, I snuggled down into Narc's arms, still feeling uncomfortable there, and tried to fall asleep. (What happened to my beautiful illusions? "They were lovely illusions-- reaching high, built on the sand!") I couldn't believe the irony of it all. The night before, I was sleeping with Brick, being anxious about Narc. And now I was falling asleep with Narc, being anxious about Brick. It was very telling to me. I think I know what I want now.

The next morning, (this morning), I awoke to my alarm clock. I had to set it early, as I had a telephone appointment with my therapist. Narc woke up with me and wanted to fuck again. So, we did. But again, I wasn't feeling it. We had a lot of sex this morning, and normally I try not to get too graphic about these things, but here, it is something that changed me... We ended up having anal, and it hurt, and I didn't want to hurt for him. I didn't get any pleasure hurting for him today. It was weird. Who am I? What the fuck is going on?

Afterwards, I got up and sent Brick a text, as he was still on my mind. I missed him from our one night apart:

Good morning! I love you Brick! :)

When Narc and I got up, I smoked a cigarette. I hadn't washed off my mascara the night before, and it left smudged rings underneath my eyes. I looked in the mirror and liked it. I let the smoke waft up into my eyes until the teared up a little.

"So, what are you up to today?" I asked.

"Heading to that concert out at Jones Beach."

"Oh yeah."

He got dressed and I stood there smoking and watching him. I didn't care that he was leaving. I didn't feel like seeing him any more that day. When he was finally ready to go, I gave him a hug goodbye and that was that.

Anyway, this post is getting long and I need to get dressed (I'm at Brick's place lounging in my pajamas!) so I'll finish up later.

Hope you are all enjoying the weekend!

Love you!
Hyde