The Fading

I've been feeling really hostile lately-- towards everything. I feel torn... immobilized. I think it all has to do with Narc. Narc, Narc, Narc.... What would my life be without Narc? What will my life be without Narc?

For the past two weeks, each time he surfaces in my mind, I'm anxious. Ever since that Thursday when Brick wrote that text for me-- the one that turned down Narc's offer to hang out that night, I've been anxious. Why? Because I know that things are changing. ("All that is solid melts into air"... I seem to like that expression.) Narc and I don't work without booze. We don't fit. We want different things. I doubt I even love him these days. I sometimes doubt I ever did.

But I desperately want to cling to him because I'm scared out of my fucking mind. I don't expect any of you to understand this, because I hardly do myself. This is not about Narc. This is about something so deeply tangled in me that it has never seen the light of day. Brick doesn't understand it either. Narc is not just a "bad habit."

Yesterday evening, I was at Brick's apartment. Brick went to the gym. I sent Narc an email:

Hey...

What's up? I wanted to know if you want to hang out tomorrow night. (Or is that the night of your NIN concert?) I've got dinner plans tomorrow, but it's an early dinner. Anyway, I'm headed to Long Island for the second half of the weekend but feel like it's been forever since I've seen you. So if you're around and feel like it, tomorrow is a good night for me.

love,
hyde

PS: I couldn't find a place to download the Madame Butterfly song. Where did you find it???

When Brick came back, he asked me if I had contacted Narc. I lied and said "no." Later, I told him the truth. I need to stop lying to people. It just comes so naturally sometimes.

Then, later that night, Brick and I went to a meeting and I came to a realization. I have not "surrendered." I can't really surrender. I don't know how. The thought fucking terrifies me. Yes, I know that my life was in a downward spiral, and it "had become unmanageable." But I can't let go. Yes, I have stopped drinking. But I haven't let go of Narc. Narc, Narc, Narc. Even so, I know that until I do, I can't really "recover" in the fullest sense of the word. I am afraid of an unscripted life. I am disappointing Narc because I stopped drinking. I stopped being "Hyde" for him. I broke our contract. I am disappointing Brick, myself and everyone else, because by hanging on to Narc, I am "not putting my sobriety first."

I can't stand the ambivalence. I feel like I can't breathe.

Last night, after the meeting, Narc called me drunk. He called a few times and left an entirely incoherent message. It was only 9:30 pm. I felt like I was choking. Brick and I ate at Subway and I didn't call Narc back. I'll fill you in on more of last night in a future post. The bottom line in terms of Narc? I didn't call back at all that night.

This morning, he sent me a text at 8:35 am: Dying...

Brick was in and out of the apartment and took my phone so that I couldn't write back. When he came back later, he gave me my phone. I immediately wrote back to Narc.

H: Sounds like you had quite a night! ;)

N: Early start, early bed. Ugh, never again...

H: Why such an early start? What were you up to?

N: Met James for lunch, then PopStarChick after. Once I moved from Stella to Jack and coke, twas over!

H: Ha ha... That's usually the way it goes. Is tonight your concert? PS: how are you surviving sans TV?

N: NIN is tomorrow. Full day at beach!

H: Nice. That'll be awesome. I wanna get a lot of beach time in too this summer. Brick sometimes has a car in the city, so should be fun...

At that point, Brick came into the bedroom and asked me what I was doing.

"Texting Narc," I said.

"Hyde! Why????"

Brick asked me to give him the phone.

"No! Why do you want it?"

"I want to write something."

"No!"

"I just want to ask what happened to his Buddhist diet!"

"No. He'll get mad. What's the point?"

"He lied to you."

"So? It's none of my business."

"Hyde!"

I gave him the phone under the premise that he wouldn't send the text without showing it to me first. Brick started to write. I didn't like the message.

"Don't send it!" I said.

Brick held the phone away from me. We were laying on the bed. I wrestled with him and tried to grab it out of his hand, but he turned and held it out of my reach off the other side of the bed.

"Brick! Give it back! Don't you dare send that or I'll be really mad."

But it was too late. Brick pressed "send."

So the message went out: By the way, I guess you are off the Buddhist diet and no hard stuff.

I was devastated and not sure what to do. Brick didn't know how it would effect me. I know because he laughed.

"You're not really mad at me, are you Hyde?"

"Yes!"

But I wasn't mad. I just didn't know how to feel. There was a numb panic setting in. I went into the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. Then I had an idea. I went back to my phone to send another text.

"What are you writing?" Brick asked.

I ignored him while I typed.

H: Anyway, I've been eating shit lately too. It's hard... :( Are you around tonight?

"I can't believe you just sent that!" Brick frowned. "It's not true. It's frustrating to watch you putting yourself in this situation... being his bitch."

"You don't understand," I said.

Brick went into the living room. I stayed on the bed, phone in hand. My chest still felt constricted and my brain numb.

"Hyde? What are you doing in there?" Brick called out.

I went into the living room to join him and flopped down on the couch. My phone wouldn't ring. I started to cry.

"What are you thinking?" he asked.

"Nothing."

And that was the truth. There were no thoughts in my head. Only a dull pain. I feel so torn apart. So immobilized. So alone. And like everything I know is dissolving around me. My entire existence is fading.

I couldn't stay there any longer. I got up to get dressed.

"Where are you going?"

"I don't know. I just have to get out of here."

"You're not going to drink, are you?"

"No."

But I didn't know. I didn't know what I was going to do. I only knew that I had to move. To somehow get away.

I packed up my stuff and reached down to scoop my cell phone up off the couch. That's when it beeped with another text. It was Narc.

Yeah, slipped last night, and definitely feel worse for it. No more Jack! Around all day and tonight, call as you like.

The first thing I felt was an enormous relief that he's not mad at me. But that relief quickly disipated. I still felt rotten... like something was rotting at my core. Brick gave me a hug and I swept my things together and left.

Once outside, the sun pounded down on my shoulders and I had to squint. I called B and cried to him on the phone.

"I'm so confused, B!" I said.

"It doesn't sound to me like you're confused at all. It sounds like you know what you want to do, but that you're scared."

I think he's right.

Anyway, all of that was a few hours ago. I've since talked to Hammer and then to Brick again. I feel a lot better, but still unresolved.

Will I finally be able to say "goodbye" to Narc?

The question weighs heavily on my mind. For now, I'm off to dinner with my friend Nipkins.

love,
h