Hittin' the Road!

Hey everybody,

In case I don't get a chance to update this again before the Fourth of July, I wanted to let you know that Brick and I are taking a little road trip. We're heading South towards the Shenandoah River Valley and ultimately landing at "Dollywood" in Pigeon Forge, TN.

Yipee!

love,
h

"And the People All Said 'Sit Down... Sit Down You're Rockin' the Boat'"

Well, I'm feeling much better-- no longer at odds with Brick and having a somewhat calmer week. So I'll try to pick up where I left off.

Sunday night-- last Sunday, when Narc called me to say he wanted to watch Entourage at my place. I texted him back and told him that I was still on Long Island.

Brick and I got back to the city at around 9:00 and walked to my place from Penn Station. Along the way, we talked about fashion and friends and about his roommate, Bikram. Once home, he went on gay.com and I sat down to watch television. When Entourage came on, Narc sent me a text:

Still in midtown. Watching now. You home?

I didn't know how to answer. I was only anxious. As any long time reader knows, I'm prone to jump for joy when Narc contacts me and I rarely (if ever) turn him down, and usually only if seeing him would conflict with a teaching obligation. This is a whole new thing for me-- trying to reprioritize, not dropping anyone and everyone to run and be with him. But even though it made me anxious, I wrote back: W/Brick now...

I couldn't muster any more than that.

His reply?: Will leave you two to it then.

Now I was REALLY nervous, but the deed was done. Brick and I hung out for a while longer and then went to bed.

MONDAY:

On Monday after group, Brick and I walked into Madison Square Park. There we parted ways. I got a few texts from Hammer. She was really stressed out and really upset. She felt like I was no longer in her life in the way that I used to be, and she really needed someone to talk to. I called her back and we managed to talk the whole thing out. I was headed to a doctor's appointment, but agreed to meet her at my place later in the afternoon for some one on one "girl time."

On my way back to my place, I bumped into NDN and his friend visiting from Ireland, along with her husband. I had allowed them to store a shit load of boxes from Pottery Barn in my apartment, so they wanted to come up and look at them to gauge how to best fit them all in their car. This girl was one of NDN's oldest friends, so it was cool to finally meet her in person. It's too bad that I had my mind so much on other things and wasn't able to enjoy her visit more.

Hammer and I spent the entire day deep in conversation as I cleaned off my book shelves, still in the process of reorganizing my house. It was sorely needed. I hadn't realized how much I miss Hammer too! She is in the midst of an intensely budding romance, and I got to hear all about it. It was a really nice evening, except for one minor altercation with NDN. He and his friends wanted to come pick up the boxes at at time at which I wasn't really available, and I got a little annoyed at him. But that blew over quickly. It was a case of NDN's urgent anxiety meets Hyde's hypersensitivity and newfound crankiness.

Anyway, Hammer and I went for sushi that night (although it wasn't Salmon night!). She did a funny impression of her aunt singing "All of me" in a low voice.

After dinner I walked Hammer to the subway and then called Brick. He was coming to meet me, but he had just had a funny sort of date. Brick met a guy online and they agreed to meet in person for a date over Tasti D Lite. But when Brick saw him, he looked more "like Brick's uncle with cerebral palsy, but Latino... and not in a wheel chair," according to Brick's description. So Brick decided to ditch the date. While his date was using the ATM, Brick basically made a run for it. I couldn't help but laugh at this story.

While I was waiting for Brick to get to my place, I sat in front of my building brooding and chain smoking for a while. Then I called a few friends and ended up having a nice conversation with Dan. Brick took a long time to arrive. I wondered where he was. Little did I know, he was having a bit of an adventure.

When he got to my place, he told me he had met a guy.

"What? Just now?"

"Yeah. On the street. I saw him leaving the gym and we ended up walking next to each other and kept making eye contact," he said. "Then, when we were stopped on the corner, he introduced himself and asked if I wanted to go sit in the park, so I did."

"What?!?!? Is he cute?"

Brick went on to tell me all he knew about the guy.

"He walked me all the way up here!" he exclaimed.

ParkBoy seemed like an exciting new prospect.

And that was Monday.

TUESDAY:

Let me say it plainly-- Tuesday was rough. It was one of the worst days of the week. And I've been having a lot of bad days lately! Actually-- most of my days aren't all bad. Most of them have very low lows, but can roller coaster back to high just as fast. Anyway, I better get on with it if I'm going to get through all of this blogging!

Why was Tuesday so bad? Group sucked. One of our group members-- the now infamous Religrope, was upset about something that happened at an AA meeting. He started to shout about it louder and louder. He got up and waved his arms about. He cursed and screamed. His face turned red. And I didn't want to be there. I don't really want to talk about it again, or think about it again, but I was extremely uncomfortable. Then, to make matters worse, a new girl joined our group. (She was only there for the day, never to be seen from or heard from again!). She showed up in dark sunglasses with a bruised eye and a bruised arm. She sat next to me. I didn't like it. For a whole slew of reasons that I really don't want to get into, I felt uncomfortable. To make matters even worse than that, our regular counselor was out and we had an intern running the group. He never properly introduced himself, nor did he properly introduce the new people, and the whole thing left me feeling horribly shaky and unstable. When the new girl started talking about how her ex-boyfriend beat her up, all of the men in the room (nearly the whole room) got riled up, overflowing with testosterone, talking about how "if that were my daughter!" "if that were my sister!" "Let's go beat that guy up!" I couldn't handle that kind of energy. I had to get out of there.

We usually take a break from 11:00 am-11:30. This time, I decided not to go back in for the second half. Instead, I quickly said goodbye to Brick and made a run for it, jumping on a bus up Madison Avenue. I had no idea where I was going. My mind felt blank and flashing white. My ears were thudding. And I couldn't think of anything. I just wanted to call Narc. Narc, Narc, Narc. So I did. (I wrote a little bit about that day here.) I was shocked when he actually picked up. He said that he was getting a new cable box to go with his high definition TV. I told him that I was "feeling weird."

"That's okay," he said.

"What time are you free later?" he asked.

"After 5:00," I said.

I don't know why I said that. I just did. I was glad he picked up though. (Dare I say it? I'm feeling a little in love again. Shit. Pretend I didn't say that, okay?)

After that phone call, I just stared blankly ahead, my heart pounding, my throat tightening, my eyes flashing. At 60-something street, I got off the bus. My stomach was in knots. I puked in a garbage can. This was miserable.

I had to do something. I felt my face growing hotter and hotter. So, I called some numbers that I had from AA. One woman picked up and talked to me. It helped. Then I called my therapist (who is currently in Switzerland). That helped too. Then I went to meet B for lunch.

B and I ate at Dallas BBQ. He was depressed and I tried to make him feel better. Afterwards, I decided that it was wise to go to another meeting, so I did. Luck would have it, it was a Round Robin meeting, so I ended up speaking a little, which I guess was good for me, given the insanity of the day.

Even so (and I don't know what came over me)-- that night, I scratched my wrist with a razor. Then I made plans to meet Brick for sushi on the Lower East Side.

"Call me when you're getting into a cab," he said.

"Okay."

Only, I didn't get into a cab. I went to Cheers. The Nigerians were there.

"Hey, Hyde! Diet coke?" IrishBird called out.

Before I could answer, she brought one over to me. I started to sip it. My phone rang. It was Brick.

"Hyde?!? Where are you?"

"Not good. Not good," I said.

"What's going on?"

"I'm at Cheers."

"Get out of there!" he exclaimed.

"I know, but..."

"Hyde! Just get out of there now!"

He was right. I threw a few dollars down on the table and walked out. I felt like I was in a daze. I got a cab and went to meet Brick.

We met on St. Mark's. He ate a lot-- two full meals! And we talked. And talked. And talked. I'll say it again-- I'm very grateful to have him in my life right now! Afterwards, I got a bubble tea and he insisted we go to a meeting at Perry Street. He tried to get a cab for us. I saw a roach on the street and felt squeamish. The meeting at Perry Street had a really annoying speaker. But I guess, as they say-- "principles before personalities!"

Just before the meeting, Narc sent me a text-- Reading at Yaffa's for a bit if you want to come by. After the meeting, we stopped to get some red bull. I took some pictures of Brick on the street. Then I had to text Narc back: Out in village with friends now, but enjoy the reading. Anything good?

His reply? Just wrapping up, heading home. Enjoy Village!

I guess you could say everything is pretty "normal" with Narc, huh? Nevertheless, I still felt anxious about it that night. Unresolved. And I still felt really shaken up by all of the emotional turmoil from earlier that day, along with my near relapse.

That night, all I wanted to do was to be a Romantic, smoke, and listen to gloomy music. I don't think Brick "gets" that side of me. He kept encouraging me to put on something more cheerful. But I was enjoying my morbidity. I hung upside down on the couch, my legs slung over the back, the ashtray resting on my stomach. Brick did set after set of push-ups. He has named his biceps-- the right is "PJ" and "Erick" (or CK) is the left, also the weaker of the two. That night, both PJ and CK were getting quite a workout!

It was a rough night for me though. Brick suggested we each make a sober "gratitude list." It took me a long time to make mine. Then, as we fell asleep we listened to the Faure Requiem.

WEDNESDAY:

Wednesday started out with a stressful group. That is-- a stressful group following a stressful morning of Brick rushing me out of the house! Our counselor is leaving in a few weeks, and there were some rumors going around about that, with a lot of confusion. Also, I have a few complaints about the program, as does Brick, and a lot of that came up in the session. There was a new girl joining the group who studies Latin American history. How about that? Another historian!

After group, I ended up talking to that really hot guy in our group-- Senegal.

"Where are you going now?" he asked.

"I don't know... lunch with Brick? How about you?"

"I'm going to Union Square," he said.

A bunch of his friends sell African art there. He asked Brick and I if we wanted to walk down there with him. We agreed.

It was hot out that day. We had to stop at Barnes & Noble for Brick to pee. That left me alone with Senegal. He was being flirty. It was interesting to hear his take on the other characters in group.

Senegal is apparently an amazing chef. He offered to make lunch for me and Brick if we stopped at a grocery first. So from Union Square we set off for Brick's apartment with a pit stop at Whole Foods first.

Senegal made us an absolutely delicious meal of chicken in some kind of sauce made with onion, olives, mustard, peppers, garlic, and some other ingredients I can't remember. While he cooked, we played some of his reggae music and just sat around and talked. Then we went up to eat the feast on the roof. Once there, Senegal told us some absolutely wild stories about his life, including a wild sexual affair he had while in rehab in South Africa (which I have no problem recreating in my mind's eye) and about his ex-girlfriend (who he says looks just like me) with whom he used to do crack. Apparently, the two of them are wanted on the Ivory Coast by the drug maffia. Intense. He also told us about some of his current marital problems.

After we ate, we moved back down into Brick's apartment. His roommate, Bikram, was spread out on the floor trying to assemble the TV stand she just got for their new flat screen TV. Brick wanted to show Senegal the gym in his building, as Senegal is a personal trainer and offered to give me and Brick some work-out tips. We walked him over there, and then he went home. Brick and I took a stroll to Tasti D Lite and tried to process the events of the day. I was wiped out

When we got back to his place, I flopped down on the bed. I wanted to take a nap. Brick had said, at first, that he also wanted to take a nap, but then apparently changed his mind. Instead, he urged me to get up. When I said I didn't want to, he said that I was "annoying him" because all I wanted to do was depressedly lay about. He hurt my feelings. So I left.

I left Brick's building and I called Narc. I left him a message that I was downtown. I wanted to know if he wanted to hang out.

And guess what, guys? He wrote me back! He has been so present lately! (She claps her hands and exclaims "I love it!")

Here, but need to get more writing done. Perhaps get together in a few days.

Hyde: Ok. Just let me know when you're free, then. Good luck with the work. Looking forward to reading the rest of the script. ;)

After that, I just went home and crawled into bed. I was still not feeling great, and I was upset about how I had left things off with Brick. Then, at 10 to 9:00, my phone rang. It was Brick and he was nearly in tears. He apologized for his mood earlier. He said that he was having a hard time. He asked me if I would meet him in Chelsea for a 9:00 meeting.

"Brick! That's in 10 minutes, I really don't think I can."

"Please. I really need you to."

"Okay."

I rolled out of bed, threw on some clothes and jumped into a cab. Brick was, indeed, having a really hard time. I was glad that I could be there for him. And he seemed to feel better after sharing at the meeting.

After that we walked up through Time Square and across to the East Side. Neither of us had eaten dinner, so we decided to go to a diner. By that time it was nearly midnight. We gorged ourselves. I ate chocolate chip pancakes with bananas and Brick had a burger, milkshake and a piece of peach pie with ice cream. It was fun to be indulgent! But seriously-- sometimes it feels like we're both losing our minds.

Anyway, that's all I'm gonna blog for now... I have a lot more to say about the weekend, including a job interview, drama at the piano bar, a Narc update, clubbing with Brick and going to the parade for Pride, and a phone call from a real blast from the past-- Double-T!

But as it's nearly 1:00 am, and I have to get up early tomorrow I'll leave it at that.

love,
h

Alone

Ultimately, we are all alone.
I feel very, very alone.

But I am going to see Hammer later.

-h-

Lost the Spirit

Yes, I've lost the spirit to blog today.

But I know that an update is long overdue. I wrote this yesterday-- the beginning of a new mega-post. I planned on finishing it today, but I just can't. I feel miserably depressed right now and I need to go get into bed for a few hours.

I am alone. Brick and I became really close really fast, but we're two different people and there's a lot that he just doesn't get about me. I can't explain it to him either. I'm doing my best. It hurts that he doesn't see it that way. Anyway, that's all I can muster for now. So here's what I was working on yesterday. The rest is to follow...

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Wow...my posts are really becoming few and far between! I can't believe I have to work all the way back to last Saturday for a real update! As I write, I'm sitting at Brick's computer, a half melted Dunkin' Donuts Iced Coffee next to me on the desk-- along with a pack of Brick's Marlboro Lights, a dirty soup bowl, Brick's empty coffee cup, my makeup case and an empty pickle jar. Thus is life.

Brick is at the gym. I'm stressed out because I was offered a job yesterday, which I accepted, only today I decided to turn it down. I should have called the guy, but I got too anxious and sent him an email instead. I know, I know... a major cop out for a girl who is supposed to be learning "how to live," but I do what I can... Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's go back to where I left you off-- what seems like a lifetime ago-- sex with Narc on Saturday morning.

After all of that, I ate lunch at my place (and bought NDN a smoked salmon sandwich at the deli) and then came over to Brick's, still in my pajamas, hair uncombed. Such was Saturday's mood. Brick and I sat around for most of the day doing very little of anything. That evening, it was time for our "commitment" meeting, so we set off for the Upper West Side on foot. (I have to say-- I was in considerable pain, given that morning's activities, and it only helped my new ambivalence towards Narc cement itself in my mind).

Just before we left Brick's house, my sister called me. Bro-in-Law was having his birthday party that night, and long before I quit drinking, I had said I would be there. Then, the week that I quit, I told BigSis that I might not be up for the party.

"That might be better anyway," she said. "I really want to drink at the party and I wouldn't feel comfortable drinking in front of you, so this is better. We can do something to celebrate the birthday with you another time."

This conversation was a few weeks ago, and (needless to say?) it really upset me. Basically, she would rather drink (comfortably) at the party than have me there. Of course, I would never expect her guests to abstain, but BigSis had made such a big show of being supportive of me, and here we were at her first real challenge and she would prefer not to have me there than to make a sacrifice for me.

Anyway, she called me on Saturday to say that she "noticed I changed my response on the evite to 'not coming.'"

"Yeah, well, I figured it was better," I said.

"Okay, well we can take you out for a 'special dinner' for Bro-in-Law's birthday," she told me.

I really didn't want to confront this, but at the same time, I couldn't let it slide. I'm supposed to be "expressing my feelings" and not letting them fester, and so I had to say something.

"Honestly, BigSis, I'm don't want a 'special dinner,'" I began. "And I'm a little disappointed in the way you handled this."

"What do you mean?"

This prompted a really long and quasi-painful conversation that lasted nearly the entire time Brick and I trekked through the heat from Chelsea to the Upper West Side. She was very defensive, but I was glad, at least, that I said what I had to say and got it all off my chest.

After that, Brick and I did our duty as "greeters" at the meeting, but didn't stay for the whole thing. The room was incredibly hot and with the sound of the fan, it was nearly impossible to hear anything. So we left and set off, once again on foot, for my place (in Midtown on the East Side).

Our plan was to stay at Brick's again that night, but I had to stop at home to pick up a few things first. I tried on a few possible outfits for the Father's Day barbecue the next day, but couldn't find anything I felt good in. I still haven't been able to lose enough weight to feel comfy in most of my clothes again.

Anyway, I thought that BarMan was playing that night at Cheers, so I asked Brick if he would stop in with me for one or two sodas just to hear BarMan play. He agreed, as long as we weren't to stay that long. One of his suitors-- Lil'Latino wanted Brick to meet him at a pool joint in Chelsea, and I agreed to go with him, given that we didn't stay there too long either.

When we got to Cheers, I realized that BarMan wasn't playing that night (he's set to go on 6/24 instead). But we did see FightingMensch there. There were also quite a few of the old regulars-- Manwich, SurgeonGirl, CaliGirl, DeT, etc. Anyway, we ended up talking to FightingMensch for a while (and also PCuz). I asked FightingMensch how his brother is doing (the one that was arrested for murder) and he updated us on the case. It is really all so tragic. FightingMensch was pretty drunk.

We were there relatively early, so it was pretty much dead, but I was happy for Brick to see the place either way. I was disconcerted because they hired a new (female) bartender for weekends and I didn't know her. Anyway, I sang "Heaven is a Place on Earth."

"Hyde is back!" IrishBird proclaimed.

"No, not back," I laughed. "Just here for a brief visit!"

Brick and I were happy when they played the Divinyls. We drank our sodas and left.

From there, we started walking back to Brick's place. But by this point, it was after 11:00 pm and we still hadn't eaten dinner. So, we stopped in a diner along the way for some delicious chicken fingers. While there, Lil'Latino kept calling Brick to find out where we were. He said he had been waiting for us by the pool table, but that he was going home, and that he would be willing to come back out later. Lil'Latino was upset that we hadn't come by yet and was making a mini-drama out of the whole thing. Brick told him to "just forget it."

So, we never ended up seeing Lil'Latino. Instead, at the end of the night, we ended up back at Brick's and soon to bed.

The next morning, Sunday, was Father's Day. I still hadn't bought my stepfather a present, planning to be lazy about it and run into the Gap that morning. But when Brick and I set out at about 10:00 am, I found that the Gap was closed, along with nearly every other neighborhood store. Brick had an idea though-- that I go to the gourmet supermarket and make him a food basket. I though it was perfect.

We walked through the baking summer sun with Brick's roommate's little yapping dog on a leash. Once there, I picked out all the things, my stepfather likes best-- sopresata, provelone, fruit, nuts, bread, espresso, etc. We arranged all of the goodies in a basket and Brick had the brilliant idea of filling in the spaces with baby's breath. It looked beautiful! The only downside? It wasn't easy to schlep on the train.

Brick had one of the worse iced coffees ever at Penn Station, and BigSis and Bro-in-Law picked us up when we arrived on Long Island. The first thing I did when we got in the car was to ask them about the party and to tell them that I wasn't mad at anyone, and that we could talk about it all some other time. Then we resumed doing what we do best in my family-- denial. Everyone acted as if everything were fine.

Once at my house, my mom was running around like a chicken with her head cut off, getting things ready. Brick and I carried some of the food down to the deck area and then went about dicing vegetables for a salad we call a "Daddy Salad" in my family, as my dad used to always make it. Before long, the guests began to arrive-- Bro-in-Law's parents and sister and her two children, D&D, my mom's sister and her husband and my two cousins, Jail and Jol, and my grandpa. Brick also got to meet LilSis and JBC.

The day was spent the way most family barbecues are spent-- lounging around the pool, getting too much sun (in the opinion of this pale, indoor girl!) and eating too much food!

At some point, my phone started to ring. It was that unmistakable "Zarathustra" melody-- it was Narc. I let it go to voice mail and quickly checked the message. Basically, he said that he was in Midtown and wanted to come to my place ("ye with the cable connection") to watch Entourage later that night.

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Obviously, this post is to be continued.

Hope you are all feeling better than I am on this miserably gray Saturday.

Honestly, you guys... I wish I weren't here anymore.

love,
h

Losing It... and fast.

I am losing my mind. What did I do today? I puked in a garbage can on Madison Avenue. I am losing it fast. I am sick and tired of recovery and sick and tired of living my life like an open wound. I don't want to feel vulnerable anymore. I'm angry at everyone. When people laugh in public, I want to spit in their faces.

In other news, I ate sushi two nights in a row. I called Narc today and he actually picked up the phone.

"I'm feeling weird," I said.

"That's okay," he said. "So... Why'd you call?"

Brick is laying on my couch in his underwear. He says that for him, sushi and red bull are a lethal combination. He is quiet now, though... less delirious and instead is playing with his cell phone. That's good.

I can't fathom tomorrow. I don't think I want anything past today.

love,
h

PS: Brick wants me to ask my readers a question-- Who's hotter? Benjamin Bratt or Dean Cain?

Falling Out of Love

Here are the words you never thought you'd hear... I am starting to not care about Narc! I don't hate him; I don't love him. But after last night, I realize that I don't care as much.

How did this all come about? Well... let's backtrack a little. I think I left you all off on Wednesday night-- after Brick and I hung out on his roof, I came back to my place to clean up a bit, be morose and blog. I called and left Narc a message, telling him that "I miss him." Then I went about my business. At nearly 11:00 pm, I went into the shower. While I was in there, Narc called me back. He said that he was just getting out of an "Eight at 8:00" dinner but that it was lame and there were no interesting people there.

"I'm in meatpacking right now, if you want to hang," he said. "But I'm heading home."

I waited until nearly midnight and then I called him back. He didn't pick up. I was feeling really anxious.

In the meanwhile, Brick was out playing pool with his friend J. He had invited me to join, but I was depressed and slow moving. I finally headed out to meet him at 12:30 or so. He was wrapping up his night, so instead, arranged to meet me on the street corner near his house. From there we walked back to his place. I was shaken up. I flopped onto his bed. He gave me his amethyst to hold (the one the I bought for him a few days ago). It helped a little. After that, we just talked, read a little in bed and went to sleep.

The next morning we went to group together. That strange guy, Religrope, has accepted that I don't want to be friends with him, but he has still been talking quite a bit to Brick. That day, he started saying inappropriate things to Brick too. I guess he just likes to cross people's sexual boundaries. Meanwhile, our counselor was out on vacation. I absolutely can't stand Miss Incompetent, the assistant who was left there to help with our group. She made some dumb ass comment about how going to AA meetings is harder for women because we need time to do feminine things like "get our nails done" and "go shopping." Brick called her out on it. She's a fucking moron. Meanwhile, during the break, I gave my phone number to Senegal. He told me that he's a good chef, and I said that I would love to try his cooking sometime. But even though he's hot and he flirts with me, I can't imagine that a married, recovering crack addict is the best way for me to move on from Narc!

After group, Brick and I walked back to my place and had lunch. I was feeling really depressed and collapsed limpidly on the couch. He suggested that at least we get some fresh air, so we took some towels and went to sun bathe on the roof-- me with frequent reapplications of SPF 45. While there, we saw the super watering plants. He scolded me for improper recycling.

We lay out for a long time, comparing "war stories." We have both been through some absolutely crazy shit! When we could bake for no more, we headed in. I freshened up, and then we walked over to Brick's place. He went to the gym while I blogged for a bit. Our plans for the night? An AA meeting and then a dinner to celebrate Brick's 30 days.

The meeting we chose was a "fourth step" meeting just a block or two from Brick's apartment. A friend of his was going to be speaking there. During that meeting, I did a lot of thinking about myself and about the steps. I have definitely got the first step, but not the second-- the one that focuses on the whole issue of "surrender."

When we got out, I got those drunk voice mails from Narc. (I detailed that whole drama in my last post-- The Fading.) While we had initially planned on cooking a whole meal, we were both tired, so Brick suggested we eat at Subway instead. There, we bumped into a friend of his, but I was too obsessed with the Narc messages to pay much attention. Afterwards, we decided to go to Monster. While we were walking there, Hammer called me. As she lives right near the place in the West Village, I suggested that she join us. Brick was being really sweet and supportive and comforting to me the whole time as we walked to the bar.

Hammer met us outside the bar. We saw a few of the regulars there. Some really drunk belligerent guy kept bumping into Hammer and talking to her and then started annoying Brick and picking a fight with the guys sitting across from us. I sang Suddenly Seymour with a guy we saw there the last time (who seems to have a regular seat at the right hand of the pianist). Then I sang All I Ask of You with a guy who had quite a lovely voice. Although, I have to say-- that's my duet with Brick and I'll be happy the day that he's willing to sing it with me in public!

Once again, I sang a million and one songs and got a lot of praise from the people around me. There were a lot of strange characters there-- one guy gave $20 to the pianist because of how I sang. He requested a song or two from me, but I didn't know one, and on the other, the pianist didn't know the part. We saw a guy that Hammer and I have dubbed "the Wizard on heroin." We had seen him once before at Marie's. Last night, he praised my singing and Hammer closely monitored his progress hitting on some girl. We also saw a guy named "Bottom"-- one of Brick's suitors. The story between him and Brick goes back a bit and I don't feel like telling it all again here, but let's just put it this way-- he is really into Brick and Brick is a pro at keeping this guy (and several others!) on a string. I am learning a lot from watching Brick's ways with men. He is an expert at the carefully worded disinterested text and ignoring when appropriate. It's awesome.

Hammer agreed with me that there was something nihilistic and "Hopper-esque" about that particular place. But leave it to Hammer-- she managed to find a semi-suitor-- some guy whose shoes she stepped on while buying diet cokes for us. All in all, it was a really fun night and it managed to get my mind off of drunk Narc for the time being.

At around 1:00 am, Hammer was tired and wanted to go, so she led me and Brick out of the bar. We said good night and Brick and I headed up towards his place in Chelsea. While we were walking home, a cute boy jumped up on Brick from behind while passing by with two other friends.

"Huh?" I was confused.

"That's Lil'Latino," Brick explained.

Brick had a few dates with this guy and Lil'Latino is really into him, even though Brick isn't feeling it. Brick bumped into him at the pool hall on Wednesday and afterwards, Lil'Latino sent Brick a text saying something to the effect of: You can't even look me in the eye...

As he and his friends passed us on the street, Brick heard him telling his friends that Brick was really cute. So, Brick decided to torture this guy a little and send a text. (Again, I'm approximating here, as I don't have Brick's texts on hand):

Nice to stop and say hello, he wrote.

Back at Brick's place, he was hungry and cooked some chicken. I was still feeling anxious about Narc. Brick got some texts back from Lil'Latino. Lil'Latino really wanted to come over, and kept telling Brick so.

Calm down, boy! Brick wrote back.

I was laughing at all of this.
After that, Brick and I just lay in bed and talked for a while. Narc was still on my mind. Finally, I fell asleep.

The next morning, I awoke to that text from Narc-- the one that said "Dying..." (You can read all about that in my previous post.) As you know, I left Brick's place upset and came home and blogged. After a while it was time for me to go meet Nipkins for dinner.

I haven't seen Nipkins in a really long time. I don't think I've ever talked much about her here, so I'll give you some background. Nipkins went to Barnard while I was at Columbia and we had a lot of friends in common. I, however, was never really friendly with her. Then, four years ago, I won a fellowship from the National Endowment for Humanities to go spend a summer studying in London. It was a program for teachers. When I looked on the list of who else was in the program (a random collection of about 12 teachers from around the country) I found Nipkins on the list. How strange! I immediately called her and found that she was still in New York City. So we met and then spent the summer of 2002 as roommates together in London. That was the summer I was still reeling from my breakup with B, and it was great to have her throughout all of that. Nipkins has always had her own slew of anxiety and self esteem issues and never had a real long term relationship. She's also been depressed for quite some time. But today, when I saw her, she was totally different. She seemed lighter and more self confident. She told me she had met a great guy and had sorted through a lot of issues with her family. She was radiating a sort of contentment. It made me feel good-- like what I'm going through is not something so absurd and unique to me because I have a problem with alcohol, but that part of being in your 20's in general is about figuring out who you are and what you want and how to be an adult and how to accept yourself and your family.

Anyway, we ate dinner at a cute Italian place in the East 20's. Afterwards, I hugged her goodbye and started walking back to my place. As I was going, I got a text from Narc:

Watching DVDs on the laptop just ain't the same, somehow...

(Narc just sold his TV because he is getting a new high definition flat screen, but it hasn't come in yet).

I wrote back and then we ended up on the phone.

"I could come over to your place with some DVD's," he said.

"Wait, what? You wanna come to me?"

"Yeah! I don't have a TV. There's nothing to do here..."

"Um... okay. So.... you wanna come now?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. Just meet me at Cheers."

I don't know why I said for him to meet me at Cheers, especially as I had to go home and take care of a few things first-- like hide my internet history and clear the cached files. Also, I am a few days late and out of paranoia had just taken a pregnancy test which was still laying on the bathroom sink. (Thank god, it was negative).

So, I got home and did all that. Then I raced back out to Cheers.

It was super crowded in there, as it was the tail end of Friday night Happy Hour. I saw BarMan as I came in and he gave me a hug hello. PumpedUp was tending bar.

"Hyde! Long time, no see! Are you still off the sauce?"

"Yeah. 39 days now."

"Unbelievable!"

PCuz came over and asked for my order.

"Diet coke, please."

"Damn, Hyde! Still not drinking? Why not?"

"Because!" I exclaimed. "I'm an alcoholic!"

"I'm a raging alcoholic," he laughed. "But that doesn't stop me! I'm not a quitter!"

I laughed, although it really wasn't funny.

Just then, PumpedUp came back over to chat. An odd look came over his face. I turned to see what he was looking at behind me and I saw Narc.

"Hey! You getting a drink?" I asked, as I turned to kiss him hello.

"No. Not for me. I had enough last night."

"Okay. Let me just finish this soda, then."

Narc looked weird-- strange to me. "Strange" like a "stranger." His hair is much shorter now than it ever has been and I can't quite get used to it. On top of that, he was in "summer mode" in khaki colored linen shorts with a white button down short sleeved shirt, unbuttoned at the top. He looked different. I didn't like it. His face looked too full. I was oddly unattracted to him.

"So, I guess you ate already?" he asked.

"Yeah, with Nipkins."

"Well, I'm gonna get a bite, if you don't mind."

Narc and I went into Subway where I waited for him to order a sandwich, and then back to my place. He didn't say anything about the new things I've hung up, like the chandelier and the paintings. Half of my bookshelves were torn apart, though, and the new baskets I got with Brick were in the middle of the living room.

"I'm in the middle of reorganizing," I explained.

Narc sat down to eat his sandwich and I lit up a cigarette. I had on dark red velvety lipstick and I liked catching my reflection in the mirror with the smoke slowly wafting out from between my lips.

"Been smoking a lot more?" Narc laughed pointing out the full ashtray and the empty cigarette boxes scattered about.

"Well, me and Brick... We've been together like every night," I said.

"Oh?"

"Yeah, it's weird... Getting sober is hard for me."

(I'm still pretending that Narc is right when I'm with him-- that we are not alcoholics. But that is starting to change.)

"Not me," he said.

(We both ignored the fact that he was incoherently drunk the night before.)

Narc started telling me some story about PopStarChick.

"Gorgeous women in this city have to be careful," he said. "But women get so blinded by money. It's the way that they are. PopStarChick got conned. And this takes the cake."

"That's terrible! What happened?" Inside, I rolled my eyes.

"I mean, ModelChick was conned, the Exhibitionist... men just want to use them for sex. And now PopStarChick. This old guy took her out to the Hamptons and told her he wanted to start a lingerie line for and then somehow managed to swindle $2,000 out of her. It sucks for her because she's broke to begin with."

"That's awful."

"Yeah, well, she's 23 and wants to believe that these men will give her money and want her for her talent."

I didn't know what to say.

"Ah, the folly of youth..." I awkwardly smiled.

Narc went on to tell me how PopStarChick met him and James at a cute little French spot for lunch the day before and they offered her a job as a hostess.

"Good for her..."

I really get annoyed when he talks about her non-stop. Having just read back to last June, I realized that the 16th is "Bloomsday." I saw Narc last year on Bloomsday and he was texting her then too.

Anyway, Narc and I put on the director's cut of "The Abyss," which I had never seen. He shut off all the lights in my house except the Christmas lights "for atmosphere." Then we settled in to watch.

Narc was sitting on one end of the couch, and I stretched out with my head in his lap. There was really no chemistry there though. He made a few dry comments as the movie went on, and each time he did, I turned to look up at him. His face looked full. His body felt familiar to me, but he still looked like a stranger. I felt disconcerted looking at him.

I talked a lot about Brick and I think he was jealous-- that I have someone new to bum around with every night, the way I used to bum around with him... except that Brick and I are sober. Where was Brick during all this? Out in New Jersey at a birthday dinner for his mom. We had left things on sort of ambiguous terms, as I was really upset when I left his house earlier. So, at around 11:00, I sent him a text to clear up what was going on between us:

:) How was your dinner? I wrote.

Brick called me and told me that he was in the car with his mom and she was driving him back to the city. She had given him a present-- a gorgeous watch, as he is embarking on a "new time" in his life. He said he would be back in the city at around midnight and I told him to call me then. Narc and I went back to watching the movie.

When Brick called later, the movie was still on, but almost over. I told him I would call him back in a few. I could tell that he was disappointed in me that I was with Narc. Well... it was more than intuition. He expresely said so. I was so confused about the Narc issue, though, and about my feelings towards Narc at that very moment, that I didn't have space in my head to worry about Brick being mad at me.

When the movie ended, Narc switched on the TV.

"It's hot in here," he complained.

"It's cooler in the bedroom. Wanna go in there?"

"Sure."

First I called Brick back.

"Still wanna meet up tonight?" I asked.

"Yeah, definitely."

"Okay. Well are you gonna be up for a little while? Can I call you in a bit?"

"Okay."

I told Narc that I would be meeting Brick later. The look on his face was priceless. How many times has he done something like that to me? Had me over his place, had me assuming that I would be staying the night and then make plans with someone else without inviting me?

In any case, Narc and I moved into my bedroom and lay down together on the bed. It wasn't long before we were having sex. It was strange though. I still wasn't feeling it. I didn't know him. I didn't really want him. I couldn't fathom why I was in the middle of what I was in the middle of. It's almost as if the entire past two years of memories with him had disappeared. There was a certain familiarity between the two of us, but that was it. Everything else between us was unreal. Last week at an AA meeting, someone quoted Mark Twain and the line stuck with me. (I can't remember it word for word, but it was something like this): "I've been through some really hard things in my life and some of it really happened.

That's EXACTLY how I felt about my entire relationship with Narc. Does that make any sense at all?

"Your phone is beeping," Narc said when we were done having sex.

I went to check the message. It was Brick.

Going to bed. Gnight.

Uh oh. He was pissed at me. I called him back right away. He didn't answer. I knew the phone would be lying next to him in the bed. So I called again. He still didn't answer. So this time I left him a message. Then I sent him a text:

?? Was heading over but guess I will just stay here. I miss you! Nite...

Courage to change the things we can... he wrote back.

Hyde: I was coming to you. Are you asleep? Should I got to bed? Anyway-- it's official... I'm not in love anymore.

Brick: Then why would u stay... Did u ever make that meeting?

After that, I called him. He picked up. He said he wasn't mad at me, but I could tell that he was. He said he was disappointed in me. I felt sad and conflicted. I feel like I'm trying my best, but I can't do anything right for anyone right now. I think at the heart of the problem is that I'm still trying to please other people. I felt guilty for being with Narc because of Brick. This is not Brick's problem. It's mine. And if I were going to feel responsible to anyone for my actions, it should have been myself. I couldn't sort it all out last night though. Not having just had sex and with Narc still laying in my bed and Brick annoyed at me on the other end of my phone. I just wanted to go to sleep. So I got back into bed.

"Guess you can stay here after all," I said to Narc. "Brick decided to go to bed."

In the meanwhile, Hammer had texted me: How's N?

(This was at about 1:30 am)

This is fucked up, I wrote her back. Brick is disappointed in me...

It's ok... Remember, Enlightenment then Revolution. Relax. You're doing great. PS: With Tad and Sissy.

With nothing else to do, I snuggled down into Narc's arms, still feeling uncomfortable there, and tried to fall asleep. (What happened to my beautiful illusions? "They were lovely illusions-- reaching high, built on the sand!") I couldn't believe the irony of it all. The night before, I was sleeping with Brick, being anxious about Narc. And now I was falling asleep with Narc, being anxious about Brick. It was very telling to me. I think I know what I want now.

The next morning, (this morning), I awoke to my alarm clock. I had to set it early, as I had a telephone appointment with my therapist. Narc woke up with me and wanted to fuck again. So, we did. But again, I wasn't feeling it. We had a lot of sex this morning, and normally I try not to get too graphic about these things, but here, it is something that changed me... We ended up having anal, and it hurt, and I didn't want to hurt for him. I didn't get any pleasure hurting for him today. It was weird. Who am I? What the fuck is going on?

Afterwards, I got up and sent Brick a text, as he was still on my mind. I missed him from our one night apart:

Good morning! I love you Brick! :)

When Narc and I got up, I smoked a cigarette. I hadn't washed off my mascara the night before, and it left smudged rings underneath my eyes. I looked in the mirror and liked it. I let the smoke waft up into my eyes until the teared up a little.

"So, what are you up to today?" I asked.

"Heading to that concert out at Jones Beach."

"Oh yeah."

He got dressed and I stood there smoking and watching him. I didn't care that he was leaving. I didn't feel like seeing him any more that day. When he was finally ready to go, I gave him a hug goodbye and that was that.

Anyway, this post is getting long and I need to get dressed (I'm at Brick's place lounging in my pajamas!) so I'll finish up later.

Hope you are all enjoying the weekend!

Love you!
Hyde

The Fading

I've been feeling really hostile lately-- towards everything. I feel torn... immobilized. I think it all has to do with Narc. Narc, Narc, Narc.... What would my life be without Narc? What will my life be without Narc?

For the past two weeks, each time he surfaces in my mind, I'm anxious. Ever since that Thursday when Brick wrote that text for me-- the one that turned down Narc's offer to hang out that night, I've been anxious. Why? Because I know that things are changing. ("All that is solid melts into air"... I seem to like that expression.) Narc and I don't work without booze. We don't fit. We want different things. I doubt I even love him these days. I sometimes doubt I ever did.

But I desperately want to cling to him because I'm scared out of my fucking mind. I don't expect any of you to understand this, because I hardly do myself. This is not about Narc. This is about something so deeply tangled in me that it has never seen the light of day. Brick doesn't understand it either. Narc is not just a "bad habit."

Yesterday evening, I was at Brick's apartment. Brick went to the gym. I sent Narc an email:

Hey...

What's up? I wanted to know if you want to hang out tomorrow night. (Or is that the night of your NIN concert?) I've got dinner plans tomorrow, but it's an early dinner. Anyway, I'm headed to Long Island for the second half of the weekend but feel like it's been forever since I've seen you. So if you're around and feel like it, tomorrow is a good night for me.

love,
hyde

PS: I couldn't find a place to download the Madame Butterfly song. Where did you find it???

When Brick came back, he asked me if I had contacted Narc. I lied and said "no." Later, I told him the truth. I need to stop lying to people. It just comes so naturally sometimes.

Then, later that night, Brick and I went to a meeting and I came to a realization. I have not "surrendered." I can't really surrender. I don't know how. The thought fucking terrifies me. Yes, I know that my life was in a downward spiral, and it "had become unmanageable." But I can't let go. Yes, I have stopped drinking. But I haven't let go of Narc. Narc, Narc, Narc. Even so, I know that until I do, I can't really "recover" in the fullest sense of the word. I am afraid of an unscripted life. I am disappointing Narc because I stopped drinking. I stopped being "Hyde" for him. I broke our contract. I am disappointing Brick, myself and everyone else, because by hanging on to Narc, I am "not putting my sobriety first."

I can't stand the ambivalence. I feel like I can't breathe.

Last night, after the meeting, Narc called me drunk. He called a few times and left an entirely incoherent message. It was only 9:30 pm. I felt like I was choking. Brick and I ate at Subway and I didn't call Narc back. I'll fill you in on more of last night in a future post. The bottom line in terms of Narc? I didn't call back at all that night.

This morning, he sent me a text at 8:35 am: Dying...

Brick was in and out of the apartment and took my phone so that I couldn't write back. When he came back later, he gave me my phone. I immediately wrote back to Narc.

H: Sounds like you had quite a night! ;)

N: Early start, early bed. Ugh, never again...

H: Why such an early start? What were you up to?

N: Met James for lunch, then PopStarChick after. Once I moved from Stella to Jack and coke, twas over!

H: Ha ha... That's usually the way it goes. Is tonight your concert? PS: how are you surviving sans TV?

N: NIN is tomorrow. Full day at beach!

H: Nice. That'll be awesome. I wanna get a lot of beach time in too this summer. Brick sometimes has a car in the city, so should be fun...

At that point, Brick came into the bedroom and asked me what I was doing.

"Texting Narc," I said.

"Hyde! Why????"

Brick asked me to give him the phone.

"No! Why do you want it?"

"I want to write something."

"No!"

"I just want to ask what happened to his Buddhist diet!"

"No. He'll get mad. What's the point?"

"He lied to you."

"So? It's none of my business."

"Hyde!"

I gave him the phone under the premise that he wouldn't send the text without showing it to me first. Brick started to write. I didn't like the message.

"Don't send it!" I said.

Brick held the phone away from me. We were laying on the bed. I wrestled with him and tried to grab it out of his hand, but he turned and held it out of my reach off the other side of the bed.

"Brick! Give it back! Don't you dare send that or I'll be really mad."

But it was too late. Brick pressed "send."

So the message went out: By the way, I guess you are off the Buddhist diet and no hard stuff.

I was devastated and not sure what to do. Brick didn't know how it would effect me. I know because he laughed.

"You're not really mad at me, are you Hyde?"

"Yes!"

But I wasn't mad. I just didn't know how to feel. There was a numb panic setting in. I went into the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. Then I had an idea. I went back to my phone to send another text.

"What are you writing?" Brick asked.

I ignored him while I typed.

H: Anyway, I've been eating shit lately too. It's hard... :( Are you around tonight?

"I can't believe you just sent that!" Brick frowned. "It's not true. It's frustrating to watch you putting yourself in this situation... being his bitch."

"You don't understand," I said.

Brick went into the living room. I stayed on the bed, phone in hand. My chest still felt constricted and my brain numb.

"Hyde? What are you doing in there?" Brick called out.

I went into the living room to join him and flopped down on the couch. My phone wouldn't ring. I started to cry.

"What are you thinking?" he asked.

"Nothing."

And that was the truth. There were no thoughts in my head. Only a dull pain. I feel so torn apart. So immobilized. So alone. And like everything I know is dissolving around me. My entire existence is fading.

I couldn't stay there any longer. I got up to get dressed.

"Where are you going?"

"I don't know. I just have to get out of here."

"You're not going to drink, are you?"

"No."

But I didn't know. I didn't know what I was going to do. I only knew that I had to move. To somehow get away.

I packed up my stuff and reached down to scoop my cell phone up off the couch. That's when it beeped with another text. It was Narc.

Yeah, slipped last night, and definitely feel worse for it. No more Jack! Around all day and tonight, call as you like.

The first thing I felt was an enormous relief that he's not mad at me. But that relief quickly disipated. I still felt rotten... like something was rotting at my core. Brick gave me a hug and I swept my things together and left.

Once outside, the sun pounded down on my shoulders and I had to squint. I called B and cried to him on the phone.

"I'm so confused, B!" I said.

"It doesn't sound to me like you're confused at all. It sounds like you know what you want to do, but that you're scared."

I think he's right.

Anyway, all of that was a few hours ago. I've since talked to Hammer and then to Brick again. I feel a lot better, but still unresolved.

Will I finally be able to say "goodbye" to Narc?

The question weighs heavily on my mind. For now, I'm off to dinner with my friend Nipkins.

love,
h

The Weekend of the Moms (and more)

Okay... I know I just put a post up today, but I'm going to have to back it up a bit in order to tell you all what I did over the weekend...

I think I left off on Saturday morning. Brick and I had been out until all hours the night before. He was depressed at the sighting of his ex-boyfriend. So, on Saturday morning he went online looking for a hookup. And a hookup he found. Thus, he was gone when my mom arrived in the early afternoon. She was eager to show me several things she had brought with her, including an article about Rufus Wainwright's "Judy Garland" show at Carnegie Hall and a book about the connection between alcoholism and blood sugar problems.

Brick returned soon enough and we all set about our task-- getting my apartment into some kind of order! We began by getting all of the clothes that don't fit me out of the closet and throwing out the most egregious offenders of my collection of clutter (such as a huge hoop skirt/petticoat). The amounts of cat hair that had managed to accumulate in the darkest recesses of my closet was really quite phenomenal!

My mom and Brick seemed to get along well. She drilled him with her usual questions about his family, education and interests. As for him, he said her first name is his favorite name, and he later told me that she would make a great "gay icon." I think my mom liked that.

We worked long and hard all day long, capping the afternoon by hanging some pictures that had been leaning against the wall for far too long and finally putting up a green chandelier that I bought in Quebec a few years ago. Unfortunately, we couldn't do dinner with my mom, as Brick and I had a Saturday night commitment as greeters at an Upper West Side meeting. We had to leave my mom with piles of clutter and crap on the curb, under the watchful eye of the doorman while she went to get the car. Brick and I scurried into a cab, hoping not to be late. Neither of us was much in the mood to attend this meeting. I hadn't really been feeling it since I hit my 30 day mark and I have to say-- I've been feeling a little "out of sync" with the whole AA thing. Brick was also feeling resentful about having to be there. I guess it's safe to say that for both of us, "the honeymoon" was over.

I shared a little about all of that during the meeting, and so immediately afterwards, a handful of women came up to me to give me their phone numbers and to encourage me to keep making meetings. ("Meeting makers make it!" as Brick likes to say. Damn! Those AA phrases are catchy!) While I was talking to the women, Brick had gone outside for a smoke. But when I exited onto the street, I couldn't find him anywhere!

I walked up a few blocks and scanned through the crowds. He was nowhere to be seen. So I tried calling him. I was relieved when he picked up the phone, but he sounded really upset. He told me that he had called a few other people already to talk it through. I asked him where he was, and we eventually found each other on he street. I gave him a big hug and we talked things out while we walked to 78th street for dinner. We had plans to meet Hammer at La Caridad-- a Chino-Latino joint with huge portions for little cost.

By the time we got there, Brick and I were laughing again-- at ourselves, at the absolute surreal strangeness of our lives right now, at the fact that we spend every hour of our day with addicts... and with each other! Then we sat down to eat.

Soon enough, Hammer arrived. She was very cute. She knows that Brick is a fashion stylist, so she carefully chose what to wear to our dinner. Brick and I feasted on some delicious chicharrones de pollo while Hammer at some asopado that unfortunately tasted like armpit sweat. The conversation? Boys and sex...sex and boys! (What better topic is there?) It felt good to be talking about something lighthearted-- something other than "issues" for once. Hammer had a new suitor she had to tell us about, and of course, she needed to update us on her latest comings and goings with Tad.

After dinner, we waffled about what to do. Brick and I have been planning to try out an S&M club not far from his place (alcohol free, of course!) and we contemplated going there that night. But wherever our ultimate destination, I needed to stop home first. The plan was to stay at Brick's apartment that night and I needed to pick up a few things.

When we got back to my house, I led Hammer into the bedroom to show her the new wall hangings. As I had just reorganized most of my costume stuff, I pulled that out as well. Brick lit the candles in the two candelabras on my dresser, and the three of us had fun, trying on different wigs and dancing around the room to show tunes. (I don't know if any of you guys remember my friend WigGuy from last summer, but he made another appearance, albeit in a different incarnation). I wore a Marie Antoinette wig and then a bob cut. I gave Hammer dramatic makeup and a choker and she put on my high boots and fishnet gloves-- a perfect outfit for the S&M club!

So, that's what we did Saturday night-- we hung out dancing around my house, taking lots of pictures and playing dress up. And it was a lot of fun. At around 1:30 am, Brick fell asleep on my bed. I was pretty tired myself, as Brick and I had been out until all hours the night before. So, Hammer took off, and I headed to bed myself.

The next morning, Brick and I woke up still exhausted. We had originally planned to go to his nephew's birthday party out in NJ, but Brick wasn't feeling up to it. So, for once, we parted ways. He went back to his place, and I lounged around a little, being lazy. Then, at 10:45 or so, I got a call from Brick.

"Hyde, I think I'm going to go to that party after all."

"You are?"

"Yeah. Do you still want to come?"

"Well, okay! Let me just throw some clothes on."

I got ready as fast as I could. While I was doing that, NDN stopped by for some early morning chit chat. We both ate a piece of the leftover cherry cheese cake before he walked me to the corner to hail a cab. There I saw FightingMensch and some new girl of the moment. He was wearing a pink shirt and white pants.

"What's the story, Hyde?" he asked me.

"Not much," I said. "Just sober now... 34 days..."

"Wow. I think I had three days last week," he said. "That is if you don't count the Jameson! Jameson is just medicine!"

Yeah, the same way I call cocaine "medicine," I thought.

I got in a cab and headed to Penn Station to meet Brick.

We took the train out to Jersey. He bumped into an old acquaintance-- a girl he used to go horseback riding with. She had bulging blue eyes and Brick told me that she used to whip her horse very fast. When we got there, his sister picked us up. (Brick has three older sisters-- lucky boy!). His sister is very friendly and very sweet. She drove us to the ice rink where the party was being held. There, I also got to meet his eldest sister and his brother in law. Brick's nephew turned six, and already is an amazing skater! He had invited his kindergarten class and his hockey team. It was very cute. Brick's niece was equally adorable on the ice. As for me and Brick? We didn't get into skates, but instead stayed on the sidelines talking to the moms.

After the kids came off the ice, everyone moved into a "party room" in the rink. Brick somehow got the job of being the ice cream scooper on the "make your own sundae" line. It was madness.

When the party was over (at around 3:00 pm), Brick's eldest sister drove us back to the house where he grew up-- where she still lives with her husband and three kids. There I got to meet Brick's mom and his youngest nephew who is only one year old! The house was absolutely beautiful, sitting on a huge piece of land. There's even a golf course in the backyard! Brick told me about when he used to have ponies growing up.

"If only we still had them," he said, "we could go trail riding on the property."

It was really nice to see where he's come from. It was a peaceful place.

Soon enough, we moved into the living room to watch his nephew open birthday gifts and then Brick asked his mom if she wouldn't mind driving us to Target. He wanted to get "method" hand and dish soap, among other things. His mom agreed. I didn't get much there-- just a few small items. On the way back to the house, Brick asked me to sing for his mom in the car. I agreed, although my voice was an absolute wreck. I've been smoking a lot more and had been hoarse all week. I think that the Friday night at the piano bar just about killed me because I pushed out and used whatever was left. So, even though Brick and his mom said I sounded beautiful, I certainly didn't feel my best. (Thank god, my voice is steadily returning...)

After that, Brick's mom went home. His eldest sister and brother in law and the kids were out at KFC, while his other sister joined us on the back porch for a cigarette and some tortilla chips. (Brick has one more sister--all of them are older. She was out in Montana for the weekend.) We just hung out and talked for a while. It was nice. Then Brick got the idea that he wanted to head down into the basement to go through some old things, to see if there was anything he wanted to take back for his apartment.

Once down there, he found a whole variety of treasures, including travel journals from years past, and letters that his mom wrote to him while he was in boarding school. We also found a lot of old photos. It was pretty emotional for him to go through some of that stuff, and when he shared it with me, I felt like I got to know him a lot better.

After that, we went back upstairs, as the rest of the family had come home. We hung out for a while longer, and played with his niece for a little bit, and then his sister drove us back to the train. Brick is like me, and hates public transportation, but we had no other way of getting back to the city. While we were on the train we saw a hot guy who looked like He-Man.

Once back in NY, we walked down to Brick's neighborhood. I stopped and got some takeout sushi and ate it at his apartment while he and I and his roommate watched the season premier of Entourage. During the show, Narc texted me that he had sold his TV and that I would have to record the show for him. When the episode ended, Brick and I took off for my place. By that time it was late, we were tired, and we were ready for bed.

On Monday, we set off for another jolly day of group therapy. Afterwards, I met B for lunch at a diner not far from my house. I miss hanging out with him. He told me that Drippy had asked when I was going to come have dinner at their new place. Typical that she wants to invite me over there now! So she can assert the fact that they are living together! Whatever... I have too much emotional shit on my plate and I'm not up for it right now. I told him so.

For the rest of the afternoon, I just vegetated at home. I called Narc and left a message "just saying hi." He sent me a text:

Out sailing, friend's 40 foot yacht. Going up Hudson. Amazing!

I wrote back:
Wow. I forgot you said you were doing that! I'm so jealous! I'm glad you got beautiful weather today. Enjoy it! Give me a call when you get a chance. :)

Then I started having urges to go over and say hi to BarMan at Cheers.

I'll eat dinner there, I told myself. That should be okay.

I was on my way out the door when I got a phone call from Brick. He had just finished dinner with his mom.

"You saved me," I said. "I was just about to go to Cheers."

"What?!?! Hyde!"

"Don't worry... I wasn't going to drink. Just eat."

"Well, don't go," he said. "I'll be there in 10 minutes."

I hung up the phone with him and set off for Cheers anyway. I wanted to see BarMan.

BarMan was very interested in what I've been up to and how everything's been going.

"What do you even do with your time these days, Hyde?" he asked.

"I don't know... therapy...AA... and Brick, I guess!"

BarMan told me that he's been doing enough drinking to make up for the both of us.

(Reading back on how much I was drinking--especially this time last year, I really doubt that's possible!)

Anyway, Brick met me at the bar and I introduced him to BarMan for the second time. Then we went to pick up some take-out Chinese and ate it back at my place. After that, it was over to Brick's to chill out for the rest of the evening.

Tuesday morning was rather similar to Monday. After group I went up to 34th street to buy some jeans. I had a difficult conversation with my mom on the phone. Brick met me for some window shopping (and found me in tears due to the phone call) and then we went back to his place where he made us chicken and a salad for lunch. Then we took a walk to Bed, Bath & Beyond. Brick is determined to help me get my house in order, so he wanted me to buy some baskets to use as storage bins so that I could start reorganizing some of my stuff. We parted ways at around 3:30 when I taxied back to my place, baskets in tow. After that, I just regrouped for a little while and then met Dan for dinner (as I mentioned in the previous post). After dinner, it was back to Brick's for some late night chit chat, reading in bed and sleep.

And that takes us to today. (Holy shit! Will I actually be ALL CAUGHT UP with my blogging?!?) I spoke a lot in group today which left me feeling moody and unsettled afterwards. Like I already said, I joined Brick on his roof for a healthy lunch and then we walked over to his building management office to drop off a check before heading to my apartment. Once here, I set to work cleaning and sorting through papers while Brick chatted online.

Now it is dusk and I'm feeling sad. I took a break from writing this to read back a lot of posts from a year ago. The chaos is disarming. Why do I still miss Narc? I called him a few minutes ago. I called him and left a message on his machine. Brick and a college friend are going to be out playing pool later. He asked me if I wanted to join. I said "maybe." For now, I just want to eat dinner and take a shower. I just want to be with myself right now.

I'm tired.

I'm really fucking tired.

love,

h

Stuff

There's so much shit... so much "stuff" around me... in me. So much going on at every moment, externally and internally.

I am in the middle of cleaning my house-- reorganizing my books, my sheet music, my photos, and every other scrap of paper crammed onto the shelves in my living room. Brick was here all afternoon, smoking cigarettes and chatting with suitors online while I worked. He just left to go meet a potential "workout buddy" with a foot fetish. I filed his toenails for him and trimmed his cuticles. I was glad to do it. Life is fucking strange.

Yesterday I had a really long talk with my mom. I am angry about a lot of things. I would rather not go into all of that right now.

Last night I had dinner with Dan. We discussed a lot and it was nice to see him. But, I couldn't help but make mental comparisons between what I am in the middle of right now and what I was in the middle of last summer when we hung out. The comparison makes me queasy... anxious... I'm not sure why. Dan gave me a bell from a shrine in Japan. It was very sweet.

Group therapy is starting to feel like summer camp-- a summer camp with a shitload of stuff being pulled up from the muck of my brain and my heart. It's fucking chaos, but it's also kind of fun. I'm getting to know the group much better, and there are some fun crushes going on for me there. (Perhaps more on that in another post!)

Brick made us a healthy lunch today. We ate it on his roof.

I am feeling overwhelmed and scared of my own emotions. I do not want to open Pandora's box.

And I miss Narc. I think about him all the time. It's strange, what's happening here. Where is he? What is he doing? And what happened to him in my heart? It's as if he's been lost under the mounds of "stuff." And I've been searching and searching for him! But that "stuff" is sloshing around in my psyche and cluttering my tunnel vision. I want him back. I want him.

I'm tired. I'm just damn tired.

I want to be at his place right now... chillin', watching TV and laying with him.

I miss knowing what was going to happen.

I miss my scripted life.

love,
h

A Final Attempt

Okay, here I go at my final attempt to get up to date with my blogging...

Last Tuesday, after group, I met a stranger for coffee. She first introduced herself to me after the previous Saturday's AA meeting, and she asked if I wanted to join her for the Tuesday meeting. I agreed. While this sort of thing seems to be the norm, I was very uncomfortable. After the meeting, she asked if I wanted to have dinner with her and another friend. Even though I still felt awkward, I agreed.

I am very torn lately about what to include on this blog and how to present it. So much of how I am changing these days has to do with listening to other people's stories-- stories that I don't feel it's my place to include here. Furthermore, I have been peeling away the layers and getting closer to my own most vulnerable stories-- stories which I'm also not sure I'm entirely ready to share. I know that I've been writing out the entire "play by play" of my fucked up life over the past year and a half, but in a way, all of that is "surface drama"-- drama constructed to conceal the truest most tender spots. And those are things I haven't come to terms with yet...

Anyway, after that dinner, Brick met me on the Upper West Side and we set out for an evening stroll back to my place. It was a long walk. We crossed Central Park in the dark which made me nervous, but there was an unnervingly beautiful peace about it. Once again, Brick stayed over with me that night.

The next day, Wednesday, was a big day for me-- my 30 day mark! But the more I thought about it, the more anxious I felt. So much was spinning in my head... so much about my dad. It's hard to replicate last week's whirlwind of thought here, but I felt overwhelmed with guilt and anger and grief and loss and a fear of my 30 days.

What the fuck was this about?

I thought about it a lot... about him a lot... my dad, that is. I'm not sure how to explain this. I haven't felt like much of a writer lately. So much of what I feel is simply impression... fleeting. I never realized what lonely people alcoholics and addicts are-- before using, while using... Loneliness, discomfort. I am thinking about my dad. He never got better... never got help. My heart is swollen and tight. But I'm there with him. I share this with him--this disease... something that my mother never shared with him, BigSis never shared with him, LilSis never shared with him. I can understand him in a way that they can't. I like that. We are both sick. We are both lonely.

But it won't always be this way, will it? I'm getting better, aren't I? And so, I'm leaving him. I'm leaving him again. I am filled with guilt.

My dad was very sick for a while before he died. My mom took us and left him when I was seven years old. He died when I was eleven. My grandmother said that he called out our names before he died. (Did she really say that?) I imagine it operatically-- some fantastic denouement-- a hollow baritone aria perhaps, arms thrashing, eyes flashing with wild hallucinations, and I wasn't there for him. I wasn't there. I left him. But the other day, I re-read my childhood diary. He was in a coma for several days before he died. He wasn't calling my name with his last gasp of air. Why did I think it so for so many years?

He got sick; We left him; he died. I will never leave anyone again, no matter what.

I want to be angry at my dad, but I can't. He has to be a victim, a martyr, a saint. I need to be angry at him, but I can't. I can't, I can't, I CAN'T!!! I need to cry, but I can't.

It fucking hurts.

I don't know... I feel guilty getting well. I didn't want to go to a meeting on Wednesday. But I did. I met Brick and went to a gay/lesbian meeting in midtown. Then we walked back to my place. We planned a feast to celebrate my 30 days. All I could think about was my dad and wanting to change the past. I am without "the serenity to accept the things I can not change." I was angry at my mother. No. I am not angry. What's that? Oh, it's just anxiety.

We invited NDN over for dinner and I made spaghetti and meatballs. Brick bought us a cherry cheesecake and NDN brought over the appetizers. After dinner, I sang and sang. It was a nice night.

The anxiety won't leave.

Thursday was strange.

DBE was back at group, still with her black eye. She had been drinking the night before. She brought an overnight bag. Another member of our group, one who lives up in Westchester, had volunteered to take her to a detox center up there. The only problem? He was out that day, as was our regular counselor. DBE was stuck.

Group was intense that day. The first half was run by an incompetent intern/trainee. Brick complained at the break and they got us a proper counselor. Another group member told us all that he is gay. I never would have guessed it. Afterwards I chatted with a group member from Senegal. Brick thinks he's really hot. (Both of us noticed that he keeps looking at me...) But poor DBE was stuck! I felt awful. I talked to her for quite some time. There she was, all packed and ready to go, let down once again. I told her that if she wanted to take the train to Long Island, I could probably get a car from my family. Then Brick mentioned that his sister had a car in the city and that he would ask her if we could use it. Brick's sister agreed.

So, the plan was set-- Brick and I were going to drive DBE up to Westchester to this facility. It was a rather strange adventure. The hospital was on beautiful grounds, but had a sort of creepy feel to it. The waiting room felt like some kind of boarding school or college admissions office. DBE kept insisting that we didn't have to wait with her, but Brick and I were concerned. We gave her our numbers and asked her to call us to check in. (Neither of us has since heard from her).

Afterwards, Brick and I had a cigarette in a gazebo and then drove to a nearby McDonald's. After gorging ourselves on things we shouldn't have, we climbed back into the car for the long drive home. There was a lot of traffic going through the Bronx. I took a picture of him driving and told him he was "one hot motherfucker."

Once back in the city, we went right to Brick's house. We were singing "Like a Prayer" (which Brick told me is about a blow job) and I was in a strange mood-- sort of "in heat," as Hammer put it! My mood was growing more restless minute to minute. Brick suggested that we find a meeting to go to, but I refused. I just didn't want to go. I was sick of it. We had spent the entire morning in therapy and the entire afternoon driving a fellow alcoholic to an upstate psychiatric hospital. I was fucking sick of it!

So, instead, we got some Tasti D-Lite. Then we went back to his place to hang out. He went to the gym in his building while I blogged for a while and wrote The Monster Post: Part III. When he came back, Brick continued to pressure me to go to a meeting and I continued to refuse. He was feeling a little delirious, and I couldn't get rid of my internal scowl. So we plopped on the bed and talked. Then he smoked some cigarettes and talked to suitors on the phone. Before we knew it, it had gotten late, so we climbed into bed to the sounds of Beaches once again.

Friday morning began well. Brick and I woke up and had bagels for breakfast. Then he went to drive the car back up to his sister's place. I went home to shower, pick up a prescription and change my clothes. We had a plan to meet up later that afternoon for some shopping.

So, when the afternoon rolled around, I approached Brick near Grand Central Station. I was wearing my Clinton/Gore t-shirt. Brick laughed at it and told me that he votes Republican. I couldn't believe it. I was seriously astounded! We got on the subway and rode to Brooklyn Bridge.

"How can you be a Republican???" I asked. "What about the issue of gay marriage?"

"I don't think it's necessary," he said "as long as there is legal equality with legal benefits for gay partnerships. I don't care if it's called 'marriage' or not..."

"Well what about abortion?"

Without rehashing the whole conversation, I'll just tell you this-- that was the wrong can of worms to open. While Brick told me he was not particularly passionate about the issue, he did say that he thought abortion should be illegal. Reproductive rights have always been a litmus test issue for me, and I normally would have been happy to get into a lively debate with him on the matter. However, for anyone paying attention-- June 10th was the one year anniversary of the abortion I had, and I have been feeling very sad, nostalgic, and sensitive about the issue. On top of that, I feel like without the alcohol to lubricate and numb my brain, my normally sensitive disposition has increased tenfold.

I think that up to that point, I was in love with Brick as a friend and in love with the fact that I had a partner "just like me" in my sobriety. This was a "reality check." But at the time, it felt like a complete blow-- a punch in the stomach. I couldn't believe what I was hearing and I couldn't handle it. I tried to hold in the choke in my throat, and instead we kept on walking.

We were headed to Century 21, and when we got there, Brick began to apologize. Despite my reticence, it was clear that I was quite shaken, and Brick repeated over and over that he was not judging me and didn't mean to offend me in any way. I just couldn't hear it though. I remained sullen.

"It's fine. I don't want to talk about it anymore!" was all that I could muster.

But Brick brought it up again, if only to restate his apology. I felt the tears coming. Coming, coming... I had to go. I told him so.

"Wait, don't--"

But, it was too late. I was rushing out of the store and up towards Broadway. Brick followed me.

"Leave me alone," I called over my shoulder. "I just need some space!"

When I rounded the corner, I stopped and I began to sob. I wanted to see Narc. Narc! Narc! NARC! I wanted my life back... mySELF back. I wanted to be near him. I wanted him to envelop me. I squinted my reddening eyes up towards his building. I was only two blocks away. Should I go there? No. He won't like that. Just text him. Maybe he'll be home. Maybe he'll answer. Maybe...

I'm in your neighborhood. What's up...? I wrote.

He didn't answer. I called Hammer.

"What's wrong, Hydey?" She was concerned.

I spilled everything to her. I felt an unbearable emptiness.

"Come here, if you like," she said. "We can just hang out and chill and talk."

"I don't know... maybe I should go resolve this with Brick."

"Whatever you want. But I'll be here," she told me.

She is a very good friend.

In the meanwhile, Brick was sending me texts saying to call him when I was ready and that he "loves me." I wrote back to him that I would come back, providing we closed the subject. He agreed.

So, I went back. Narc had never answered. I ached because of that.

Brick and I finished up with his shopping and looked at a few handbags and shoes for me, but I didn't buy anything.

"What are you up to now?" I asked.

"Going to a meeting, I think. You?"

"I think I'm going to walk up to Hammer's place in the West Village."

"Okay. I'll walk you there."

We set off northward.

It was good to see Hammer. I hadn't hung out with her in quite some time, and it reaffirmed something in me just to be with her again. I feel so fragile lately that it's hard to hold on to pieces of myself without being reminded by the external.

Hammer wanted to show me a clip from Sex in the City in which "Mr. Big" was acting "Narcy."

"He is Narc!" she exclaimed.

I laughed.

Hammer was getting ready to go to a party out in Williamsburg with CurlyQ and some others. SoI just hung around and chatted with her while she did her thing. I was coming down with a sore throat (probably from all the cigarettes I've been smoking lately!) and my voice sounded raspy. I tried to take advantage of it and sing the Mimi parts from Rent.

When Hammer was ready to leave, I went with her and walked her to the subway.

"What are you doing now?" she asked. "Going to a meeting?"

"I don't know..." I was depressed and sullen. "I think I'll just take a walk for a little while."

I wanted to drink, but I knew I couldn't.

Just as I was bidding her farewell, my cell phone beeped. It was Narc!!!

"Hammer, wait! Look!"

Just back in from long lunch at Blue Goose. What up? he wrote.

"What are you going to do, Hyde?"

"Write back, of course!"

I was giddy.

Hammer laughed and descended into the underground. I scrambled to write back to Narc.

Still downtown, but now leaving Hammer. Meeting up with friends later but free for a few hrs. Wanna hang out?

N: Sure, on break. Come by.

H: K. Bringing my dinner. Just got subway...

I hadn't seen Narc since Memorial Day. I was excited and nervous, and didn't really want to think about the ramifications of what I was doing. I just hopped in a cab and went there.

When he answered the door, he seemed aloof. The apartment looked different. He had hung up small black cubes that were also votive candle holders. He had a new couch-- dark brown leather-- smaller and stiffer than the old couch. He also had a new table with four high stools made of black wood. He looked different too. His hair was cut.

I smiled casually and took my sandwich to the new black table. I sat and ate. A Will Farrell movie, Elf, was on TV. While I was eating, Brick called me to see if I were "okay." I told him I was at Narc's. He seemed concerned.

Suggestion... a meeting, he wrote, once we had hung up.

I asked Narc if he wanted a chip.

"No, thanks... I'm not eating that stuff anymore."

"What stuff?"

"Synthetic stuff. I'm on this new Buddhist diet... I should lend you the book."

He popped open a beer.

"I've also been off all hard alcohol."

"Wow, Narc! How long have you been at this for?"

"I don't know-- a month."

Wait...What??? I was with him ten days prior when he was at the Patriot eating hamburgers and drinking Jack Daniels.

"Wow," I said, pretending I didn't notice the discrepancy. "Have you lost any weight?"

"Yeah... like 15 or 18 pounds."

"Wow."

This was just bizarre.

Narc said he had to go into his bedroom to check some email. I finished my sandwich and sat on the couch waiting for him. He didn't come back. After some time, I went into the bedroom to find him.

"Narc! I'm bored," I called.

"Yeah... just give me a second, okay?"

I sat down on the bed. He stayed fixated on his computer. Finally, he finished whatever it was that he was doing.

"Did you see this Paris Hilton video?" he asked. "She's apparently trying to be a pop star now. It's some kind of crap pseudo-reggae."

"Weird..."

"PopStarChick sent me the clip. Oh, and there's a song I wanted to play you," he said.

He put on Malcolm McLaren's Madame Butterfly. I stretched out on the bed to listen to it. He climbed over me and lay on my other side. When the song ended, he got up and put on Debussy. It was beautiful.

Then, one thing led to another, etc, etc, etc... It was intense and perfect (?) and I felt like my former self-- a girl I haven't seen around in a few weeks. It was nice to have her back, if only for a few moments. Even if she was sick, I really do miss her! We lay together for an eternity afterwards. My mind was racing and content at once. I felt in love with him, but I also felt smarter than that, and very far away. I felt old and I felt new. I can't describe it any better than that.

When we finally stirred, I called Brick to make our plans for the evening. It was clear that Narc wanted me to stay the night. He mentioned some sort of Burning Man party that his friend was organizing. I invited him to come play pool with me and Brick, instead. There were flashes of lightning outside. The sky was crackling.

"Nah. I think I'll just stay here and play Tomb Raider," he said.

I felt guilty leaving him... Guilty, but good.

"I'm proud of us, Narc!" I said, as we wandered into the kitchen. "We're both being so healthy! I mean, I would never have imagined that we could be like this at the same time, in the depths of our debauchery!"

"Yeah, but I don't feel any better," he said. "I think I'd feel a lot better with four or five jack and diets in me..."

I laughed hard.

"Who wouldn't? But really... I'm sick of the blackouts. Aren't you? I'm so fucking sick of the blackouts."

He looked at me skeptically.

"It was a lot harder for me to stop than I thought it would be, Narc, but I'm glad I did."

"Really?" he said. "It was easy for me."

I don't think he's changed at all.

Brick called me a few more times to see if I was on my way.

"Well, anyway... I'm going to get going. But you're welcome to join us at any point tonight."

Was I really leaving him????

I gave him a good hug goodbye-- a real hug goodbye.

And I was out.

I was in a FABULOUS mood. It was just what I needed!

I took a cab up to Chelsea and picked Brick up on the corner. From there we headed to my place. Brick and I had one last conversation about our conflict earlier in the afternoon. He told me that it had all really shaken him too and that when he left me, he was dying to drink. I felt terrible that it had had such an impact on him. But I don't want to dwell on any of that negative stuff anymore...

Brick urged me not to take too long to get ready, so I hurried myself, preparing for the evening. Once I felt sufficiently "refreshed," we headed uptown to a bar with a pool table. The room smelled like "bar" when we walked in-- a perfume I can't quite describe in any other way. It triggered a longing in me. We moved to the back room and out to the garden to smoke cigarettes. Then it was back in to the pool table. I don't really know how to play, so Brick taught me. He won the game, but he said that I wasn't bad. After the one game, there wasn't much else to do there, so we left. We headed to a piano bar where the first pianist I met at the Townhouse works on the weekends.

This bar was a strange place. Some man came up to Brick when we entered and told him just that.

"How so?" Brick asked.

"Oh, you'll see!" he said.

There weren't many people there. We settled in at the piano with a handful of regulars. There was a skinny, sad looking drunk woman. She teaches, just like me, and I couldn't help but make the comparison. The pianist wouldn't leave Brick alone. He was all over him and was flirting in quite an off-putting, aggressively obnoxious fashion. It was making Brick uncomfortable. I sang a whole slew of songs, but then we decided to cut out early.

"Wanna go back to Monster?" Brick proposed. I agreed.

When we got there, many of the faces were familiar from the previous Thursday night. The pianist asked me to sing O Mio Babbino Caro again. Then one of the regulars came up to me to tell me how Deborah Voigt had once stopped by the piano bar and invited him and the pianist to come hear her sing in Tosca. I was impressed. I got a lot of attention for my singing, and Brick got a lot of attention from the men. So, it worked out well for both of us. That place always seems kind of surreal to me, and it was that same way again. But Brick and I laughed a lot and once again, drank a shitload of diet coke. I closed with two numbers from Carousel. Hooray!

At around 2:30 or 3:00 am, Brick wanted to go. We were both hungry. We found a nearby 24 hour diner and settled in for a late night "snack." Everything was going along fine until Brick spotted a familiar face at the counter. It was his ex-boyfriend. Without giving away too much about Brick's personal life-- the bottom line is that Brick was in love with this guy and the guy betrayed him and didn't treat him well. It was rough on him. Seriously-- it was a fucking hard day for both of us.

Brick's ex was getting takeout and left the diner before us, but even so, the mood had been soured. Our hot cab driver on the way home did a little to lift our spirits, but not quite enough. Back at my place, Brick sadly stretched out on my couch. It was after 4:00 in the morning. Brick sent his ex a text. Then we went to bed.

The next morning, I lay in bed feeling crappy. Even without a hangover, it's hard to get up in the morning when you're not running on enough sleep. Brick, however, was up bright and early and in touch with a few friends. I was still laying in bed when he came in to tell me that he was going to take off for a few hours to meet up with a friend and would be back later. I nodded sleepily and finally pulled myself out from under the covers in order to start straightening up the house. My mom was coming over for a day of "cleaning."

Anyway, you guys... once again, I'm exhausted from writing. I still have to finish Saturday and get through Sunday, but I'll leave it at that for now. I'm ALMOST there!

(I think I can, I think I can...)

Lots of love,

hyde

PS: Today is my half birthday. I'm 27 and a half! Time flies, doesn't it???

The Monster Post: Part IV

I am such a blogging slacker these days that it's unbelievable. This is going to have to be the last of these "monster posts" and I'm going to have to come up with some new sort of blogging schedule, as it's getting harder and harder for me to find the time to write.

Second of all, I have to apologize for the poorly written nature of this post. As I write, Brick is wandering about my apartment, trying to empty my clutter into garbage bags, asking me every other second whether or not he can throw something away. I love him dearly and it's quite a service, but I have to say-- it makes it a little difficult to get my blogging done!

So... what was I up to? Last Saturday? Here's as much as I can remember from last week:

Last Saturday was a work day for me. I was supposed to meet up with Hammer in the afternoon, but I completely forgot about it until I was at Brick's house grading papers. I was feeling very moody and antisocial that day. Perhaps it was because I had an endless mile of work stretched out ahead of me, and the pressure of a Monday deadline.

That night, we tried out a new meeting together-- one on the Upper West Side. And we both liked it. Both of us spoke during the meeting, which prompted a lot of people to introduce themselves to us afterwards. We ended up inadvertently committing to a sixth month position as "greeters." We may have to do something about that...

Afterwards, we set off on foot, walking all the way from the Upper West Side back to Chelsea, stopping for a quick bite at Subway along the way. At one point during our walk, a French speaking tourist asked us if we knew where he could find a mailbox to send some postcards. He was in quite a hurry. As there was nary a mailbox in sight, we agreed to take the postcards for him and mail them when we found one. That night, we stayed at Brick's place in Chelsea, once again falling asleep to the sounds of the first few scenes of Beaches.

On Sunday morning, it was back to the grading for me! I settled in on Brick's couch while he went to work out. Hmm... I was thinking about Narc. I tried to forget about him and to concentrate on my grading instead, but I had little resolve. Brick and I were apart for less than an hour when I caved in to my urge to contact him. I was worried because I had ignored all of his attempts to contact me on Thursday and I didn't want him to think I was angry at him. So I wrote him a quick text: How's the apartment looking? Did you ever get those trellises up?

He answered me and told me that he was trying to sell a few pieces of furniture and we exchanged several texts about that. Of course, we skirted anything real. And that was that.

When Brick came back from the gym, I had to confess my sins and then I got straight back to work with the grading. Eventually, we decided to part ways, and I continued to grade back at my place. Brick came over later in the evening and made a suggestion-- that I get rid of all of the drugs and alcohol that remained in my house. I was loathe to do it. But I agreed. I must have had over 20 bottles of booze gleaming and glistening atop the tall cabinet in my living room. I gave the Cuban rum and the Argentine wine and half a bottle of Sky vodka to NDN and set about pouring out the rest. Brick helped me carry the armloads of bottles into the bathroom and from there the bottles were opened and the liquor flowed. Bottle after bottle we poured into the bathtub, the scents setting my nose on fire. I ran my hands under the wine. The smell of ouzo brought me back to dinner in the Greek restaurant after college choir practice. The chambourd was sweet. I dabbed it on my neck. Brick didn't think that was such a good idea. We took some pictures as I poured it all out. But I didn't like it. I didn't like it at all. And in fact, it set in quite a trauma. We also dumped the end of my cocaine, marijuana, ecstasy, used razor blades, my mirror and some bloody tissues. I felt an emptiness in my chest. An indescribable anxiety--hollow, as if I had ceased to exist on some fundamental level. That's all I want to say about that, as to go any further would require tapping into something I really don't want to tap into right now...

We decided to go to a 9:15 meeting in Times Square, and I needed it. We set out on foot in the rain. And quite a heavy rain it was! By the time we got to the meeting, we were drenched to the bone. The meeting was in a rather creepy room. I don't have much more to say about it than that...

After the meeting, I started to freak out. I couldn't breathe at all and felt like I was about to vomit. Brick asked if I were okay, and I honestly wasn't. So he asked if I wanted him to stay with me that night. I did. But he had to pick up some things from his place first, so we walked down there from the meeting. I still couldn't get myself to feel okay and instead felt like I was verging on a panic attack. I don't want to go into any more of it than that, but Brick plus a few phone calls managed to calm me down. And at least it had stopped raining! We walked from his place back to my apartment where I finished up grading. Brick went to bed at around 2:00 am and I finally turned in just after 3:00.

The next morning when we got to our group therapy, Religrope approached me right away to apologize for his behavior on the previous Thursday. I can only guess that our counselor called him over the weekend and told him that I was upset, as I know that Brick talked to her. He was a little overly enthusiastic about his apology, but the fact that he made the effort was enough for me.

Anyway, more to come, I promise... But Brick distracted me tonight and I'm tired right now. Brick fears that now you won't like him. But I say, "how can you not?"

Now I must sleep. Or else, in the illustrious words of Narc, tomorrow I will be "dying...!"

I miss you all in blogland and hopefully will soon return to my diligent blogging ways.

good night!

love,
hyde