Sleep Interrupted: Narcissist in a Bottle.

It's 4:30 in the morning and I've just hung up with Narc for the fifth time in the past hour. Why do I keep picking up the phone? Because I'm a fucking moron. He called me on my land-line about an hour ago, still relatively coherent. Said he was at a bar by himself, and that he knows it sounds stupid but that he "can't stop thinking about me." I was half asleep and groggy and told him I thought he was pissed off at me. He said "No! I want to fuck your brains out! Get down here..." I had to refuse (for obvious reasons, the least of which is that I have to be up in a few hours to teach). He apologized for calling so late and told me to "go back to sleep and have a good class." Before hanging up, he told me that he loves me. (Huh??? What the fuck?)

Anyway, twenty minutes later or so, he called my cell phone and said "Hey! Thought I might catch you out tonight. Where are you?" That pretty much gave away his extreme level of intoxication. I explained to him again that I was home in bed asleep. He asked if he could catch a cab and come up to see me. I refused and he hung up.

He called back again in another 10 minutes, even less coherent. He told me something about how he was sick of the fact that I am "sticking my dick in his mouth." I asked him what he meant by that and he refused to explain, incredulous that I didn't understand to begin with. Then he continued with a lot more begging for me to come down there. He's not a stupid boy. He's learned a few tricks and even promised me brunch tomorrow. That might have been enticing at one pathetic point, but by now it's far too little too late. It makes me ill how he's clumsily adopted "brunch" as a carrot stick to draw me in. I explained again that I had to teach and he told me to "call in sick." I told him that I couldn't because I have a professional responsibility. He said that I shouldn't be teaching anyway because I'm an "unfit teacher." That kind of upset me. I told him that he has "no fucking clue what he's talking about" and we should hang up because he was too drunk.

He didn't like that fact that I called him drunk. He kept exclaiming, "No! You're drunk and I'm sober! You're the one who's drunk. I'm not drunk." I told him that I had stayed in tonight and gone to bed early and he refused to believe me. This whole thing is a little too sick for me. He needs me to be the one who's fucked up (which I often am) because he can't handle the fact that he's just as messed up as I am. I mean, it's Sunday night for God's sake...

He called me back again twice more. The first time he said "Hey, just returning your call!" I told him I didn't call him, but he insisted I did. "What are you, crazy?" I asked him. He wasn't too happy with that. Again, he wants me to be the crazy one. I sent him a text to "stop calling me." I hope he gets it in the morning and feels really stupid and can't be angry for my drunken calls to him on Saturday night.

In the next call he told me he wants to take the day off tomorrow to spend with me and he wants to wake up with me--in fact he has to wake up with me. I had a lot of difficulty explaining to him that even if he takes the day off, I don't have the day off. He kept getting upset and saying "shit" and then called me a bitch. I told him not to talk to me like that and he kind of backed down. I know he would be really embarassed if, when sober, he could hear the things he was saying. I have to wonder what kind of an awful drunk I make. But seriously, he lives in his own little world. It amazes me how little perspective he has on what the rest of my life is like.

I don't know why I keep picking up the phone. There's a strange familiarity for me, dealing with drunk people. There's something about it that's comforting. Theres' something about it that I like, even in the hostility. I know that B has a lot of discomfort dealing with people when they're drunk (especially me). Hammer has told me the same. For me, though, it awakens something. I like that I got to be patient with him and good. Tomorrow he'll have to feel grateful that I was kind, if he even remembers. He'll have to be even more grateful when I'm forgiving, which I can't avoid being. I don't know...maybe that makes me crazy.

Ughh... Just now, as I am writing he called me yet again. (And again!) I told him that I can't have this conversation again. The one thing that is really frustrating about drunks is their vicious level of repetition. How many times can he say "I want to fuck you tonight"? How many times can I explain that it's not going to happen?

In our last conversation (one minute ago), he called to tell me that he's dancing around his house right now to a lame British pop band. (I wanted to crack up when I heard that one!) When I told him to stop calling and that I'm not coming, he said that he's hanging up on me because "I don't have that." I asked him what "that" is. After talking in circles and with a lot of difficulty, he managed to explain that I "don't have what he wants right now." "So you're hanging up on me because I won't come down there and please you this second?" I asked. "It's not about that," he said. "You know what it's about. You know what we're about. You know where I'm at." (Um... I hate to tell you Narc, I have no fucking clue...) Then he said something like "Push!" or "Whoosh!" and hung up. This night is getting a surreal. Is this what 5:00 a.m. sobriety is like? I need to go get back in a bed for another hour or two.

Okay it's 5:06. I'm refusing to answer the phone again. I'm going to try to catch a few more winks. At least tomorrow I only have to teach for an hour and a half. My Narcissist is such a handful. Such a fucking handful. Why can't I resist self-centered, demanding, witholding boys? Can anybody tell me that? Why???