Haunted

I thought my anxiety was gone, but it's really not. Last night was the first night I've been alone in my house since last Sunday. I couldn't sleep a wink. I got in bed around midnight but didn't fall asleep until around 6:00 am. I was being haunted. I was surrounded by unfriendly spirits. Each time I would drift into a sleep-state, they would disturb me. At one point, I felt my foot hanging off the bed and I felt someone grab onto it. I jerked my head up and thought I saw two boys running away. Then I looked and saw that my foot was not off the bed at all. In fact, I was squarely in the middle of my bed. Later, I opened my eyes in the dark and thought I saw a hand pressing through my wall as if there were someone trapped behind it. When I looked again, the wall was still and smooth. These things continued all night. I just had to hope that I was exhausted enough that I would finally fall asleep anyway, even with my heart pounding so fast. I finally mangaged to snatch a few hours of rest away from those ghosts.

Thoughts of committment this morning. Being committed to someone or something. I have been thinking that "committment" means more than being sexually faithful to another person. Being committed to another person means doing what you can for that person's well being. For example, I know that B and I are completely committed to each other as friends. I have to wonder if Narc will ever be committed to me in that way. Would he come over if I were sick? Would he feed my cat if I needed him to? I am suddenly unsettled.

Last night while I was trying to sleep I got to watch Kiefer on Inside the Actor's Studio. He said that his grandfather once told him: "You're not a dumb boy. You know what's right and what's wrong, and you know what you value. Now you just have to try your best to live by that." I think it was very apropo advice. I do know what I want, what I value and who I want to be. I've just been so fucking lazy about it.

Anyway, I have to head out to run some errands and get some work done today. Something isn't sitting well with me right now. I miss that feeling of peace from last night...

Oh, by the way--I got my diary back!!! They had it at Waikiki Wally's. When I went down there last night to pick it up, the bartender told me to "take care of myself." I guess she read it. Oh well...