Self-Renunciation

Not to harp on the whole Narc situation even more, but I think it's finally over between us. But first, let me back-track a bit...

Friday's teaching marathon left me completely wiped. Never again will I attempt such a feat on only three hours of sleep! I came home and napped for a while, remaining in a state of utter fatigue. Not wanting to face my feelings or stay in for the night, I limpidly attempted to get into the "friday night" spirit by showering and reapplying my makeup. Around 11:00 I was about to head out to Cheers when B called and asked if he could come over. I was eternally grateful for his intervention. We had such a nice cozy night at home. I managed a good night's sleep and was able to avoid the potential disaster of a night of exhaustion masked by alcohol. The next afternoon we went for brunch and discussed the whole Narc situation yet again. My primary grievance--that a week had gone by since I'd seen him and although I had contacted him five or six times, he never replied to a single text message or phone call. I was confused and sure he was sending me some kind of intentional negative message. Yet again, my feelings were hurt, and B encouraged me not to put up with it. Right there in the diner I wrote Narc a text telling him that I'm "sick of being disrespected" and that there's no excuse not to return my calls over the course of a whole week. Knowing him, I didn't expect a reply.

I spent the rest of the afternoon reading about Wagner's philosophical interests--mostly Feuerbach and Schopenhauer. I didn't feel like being around people so I went into St. Bartholomew's Church and did my reading there. It was peaceful and dim. Walking home later in the day I chatted with Jessica on the phone about life and boys and drama. At some point during our conversation Narc texted me back. He was quite uncongenial, declaring that he was sick of my "emotional histrionics," that he had made it "very very clear" that he would be writing all week and that I should "let him be." I was floored by the level of hostility in his tone. I wrote him back a simple "ok. goodbye," and then burst into a "histrionic" flood of tears. After a few words with B and then Hammer, I calmed down and wrote back to Narc that I was sorry my message upset him. I didn't mean to be hysterical or harsh, but didn't know that the fact that he had to write this week meant that we could have no contact at all. I told him that I would "let him be" and that I guess "that's it for us." He told me to "stop being so dramatic" and to "let him write;" he'd be in touch in a few days. I didn't respond. I was just spent from the crying spell and didn't know what to say. I pulled myself together, got dressed for the evening and headed over to Cheers for a few drinks. I was supposed to have met Jake at a poetry reading at 7:00, but was dreadfully late due to the emotional ambush.

Eventually, I got in touch with Jake and went to meet him and a few of his friends downtown. His friends departed early and Jake and I ended up at the Thirsty Scholar for drinks, and drink we did! We were both pretty far gone by the time we headed home around 1:00 am. I went back into Cheers for another two hours or so...so unecessary, but that's me. Although I don't remember the end of the evening, I was able to piece most of it together this morning. Apparantly, my insecurity and lack of judgement triumphed because I didn't "let Narc be," instead calling him several times between 3:00 and 3:30. He got annoyed enough that he texted me to stop calling him immediately if I had any interest in "retaining his friendship." (A statement which begs the question, "what friendship?" but that's another issue). This morning I woke up sick about all of this, but angry at him as well. For me, that's a good thing. I'm never angry enough. I deleted all of our text correspondence from my phone along with his numbers. I don't ever want to call him again, but there's only one way to accomplish that-- it means I can't drink.

So today is day one of my week long abstinance. I am going to embrace sobriety wholeheartedly! No more Hyde...only Jekyll! On another note, I was sad to see this morning that I lost my amethyst. I must have left it in the bar or else it's lying on the street sadly burried in one of the ubiquitous mounds of smoggy piss-colored snow. (Snow that had fallen like magic last Saturday as I left his house). I also can't find my credit card or my scarf, but I suspect those are still at Cheers.

B and I had lunch today in "Curry Hill." It was pretty good--a ton of food for a good price. I'm at school now, but have to meet VJ in a little while. I want to stop in the gem gallery on Madison and see if I can pick up a new crystal. So I guess that's it for now. I'm tired.