I'm a little tired and still depressed.
Last night I tried to blog, but I couldn't write much. I had just gotten back from a visit to Forest Hills where I saw The Namesake with BigSis and Bro-in-Law. My mom and LilSis met us for a late lunch, but headed home before the movie. My mom gave me another ring for my 10 months. She's obsessed with giving me jewelry lately. (She gave me a massive opal and diamond cocktail ring that had belonged to my grandmother when I hit six months.) This one has three diamonds and two tiny sapphires and I'm guessing is white gold. It belonged to my great grandmother--my namesake... or I guess I'm her namesake. Whatever...
I had fallen behind in watching Rome, so this weekend I got to catch up with three episodes in a row. I have a crush on Mark Anthony. Ha ha... having a crush is fun. I'm obsessed with that show right now.
But for some reason, I have a headache this morning that I can't quite get rid of. I miss Narc so much.
Yesterday morning I went to a women's meeting and then out to lunch with the ladies. On Friday afternoon I had lunch with some women from the program as well.
I still miss Narc. It hurts.
B is coming over this afternoon. I didn't write about this, but on Friday he and I had a huge fight, but we made up quickly. Drippy is trying to get rid of me. It's not going to happen. I don't think she realizes that B and I are like family and we're all going to have to get used to each other. I have no interest in making her unhappy or coming between them. And I'm a little resentful that I have to deal with this added stress due to their arguing and her insecurity.
In any case, I've been reading a book about Mystical Theology and the Eastern Church. (My mom couldn't stop laughing that that's what I chose for "pleasure reading.") I just finished a chapter on "Negative Theology." The idea is basically that we can't define God by what he is. We can only define God by what he is not. He is not anything known or knowable in the world. The idea, when I actually tried to wrap my mind around it, was literally "mind blowing"-- incomprehensible. For the first time, I felt a religious impulse, not just of trying to "understand," but one of worship-- a very foreign feeling for me when it comes to religion, for despite my obsession with love and sublimation, I'm pretty much a philosophic thinker, and not one to embrace the darkness of ignorance that is required to "transcend" knowledge in mystical theology. Anyway, I realized that I have a craving for worship. I've just misdirected it in horrible ways. I worship love. I worship what I call love, even if it's not... I worship Narc. Talk about misdirecting that impulse!
My mom has always loved a poem by Alice Walker-- "Never Offer Your Heart to Someone who Eats Hearts"
Never offer your heart to someone who eats hearts
who finds heartmeat delicious but not rare
who sucks the juices drop by drop
and bloody-chinned grins like a God.
Never offer your heart to a heart gravy lover.
Your stewed, over-seasoned heart consumed
he will sop up your grief with bread
and send it shuttling from side to side in his mouth like bubblegum.
If you find yourself in love with a person who eats hearts
these things you must do:
Freeze your heart immediately.
Let him—next time he examines your chest—find your heart cold flinty and unappetizing.
Refrain from kissing
lest he in revenge
dampen the spark in your soul.
Now, sail away to Africa
where holy women await you on the shore—
long having practiced the art
of replacing hearts with God and Song.
And I've also been listening to Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah over and over. I think there's the same message in both-- somewhere along the line, our religious impulse gets misappropriated by our love impulse and we are disempowered. We get lost. Both seem to have the same message of redemption in a "higher power." And I've been thinking of my women's meetings as my personal little "sail away to Africa."
Anyway, B just called and I've got to go meet him for lunch. But I just wanted to put up a quick post of some of my musings for the morning...
love,
h
2 comments:
There's a lot of interesting concepts to think about in this post of yours, Hyde. Thanks!
Good luck as you try to work out the situation with B and Drippy.
Triadic conflicts are challenging. My therapist is convinced that there is something about me and triads (going back long before this one to family stuff, of course).
I love the image of your women's group as a place of grounding for you.
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