Who's the Winner?

Feeling like crap today for a million and one reasons. (Well, actually just one reason-- I think it has something to do with the strange combination of vicodin, ten glasses of whiskey, a few shots of jager and no sleep).

Anyway, I'm having a hard time determining our 10,000-visit-winner.

9,998- Dan
9,999- Mr. Mystic
10,001- Hammer

But 10,000- ???
It's a mystery visitor with the IP address: 70.18.16

If you know who you are, show yourself!

Otherwise, wish me luck in surviving my rising fever.

Yuck!

-h-

(Art) Projects

First and foremost:

Happy Birthday, B!!!

Yesterday I spent a good chunk of time sitting in front of the computer. Mystic writes: Why can't you be honest with Narc? why not say exactly whats on your mind ? What are you afraid of? Later, he wrote to Hammer: Why not just try plain good old fashioned honesty. You and Hyde come from the same cloth.

Well, the thing is, I have been honest with Narc. So many things have been said so many times. I thought I should write a post including all of that history. I started to do it, and you can expect that post in a day or two, but I realized that it was a bigger project than I had time for last night.

In any case, it led me to another idea--another new project. I'm now in the process of archiving my blog! I'm also going to make a little A-Z dictionary for it. Why? Because I like obsessing about things past and it helps to have something massive in front of me that has nothing to do with my school work. Eventually, I'll post the link permanently on this site, but if anyone is terribly bored and feels like checking out my work in progress, for the moment, it can all be found here.

Yesterday afternoon, Bezoukhoff joined me and my parents at the Guggenheim to see the exhibit on Russian art. Basically it included over 250 artworks spanning from the 13th century to the present, many of them never having left Russia before. It was a beautiful exhibit--especially for a Russophile like me!

While we were there, I picked up a brochure to check out the performance art going on this week. On our way out we saw a guy whose head was covered in gold-leaf and honey cradling a dead rabbit, surrounded by an audience of 40 or so museum goers. I recognized this as a reinactment of Joseph Beuys, How to Explain Pictures to a Dead Hare (1965). I had learned of the piece a few years back in an art class. Some of the other "reinactment" projects on the program I had never heard of, but they are equally strange, if not more so. I thought I'd share a few of them with you here:

Nov 10: Vito Acconci. Seedbed. (1972. Sonnabend Gallery, NY). Acconci occupied the space under a false floor, masturbating and speaking through a microphone to visitors walking above in an attempt to establish an "intimate" connection with them.

Nov. 11 Valie Export. Action Pants: Genital Panic (1969, Augusta-Lichtspiele, Munich). Wearing pants with the crotch removed, Export walked through a cinema during a film screening, offering the spectators visual contact with a real female body. Walking up and down the aisles among the mostly male patrons, she challenged them to "look at the real thing" instead of passivley enjoying images of women on the screen.

Nov. 12 Gina Pane. Self Portraits (1973, Galerie Stadler, Paris). Pane lay on a metal bed above lit candles. She made incisions with a razor blade in the skin around her fingernails and lips while slides of women painting their nails were projected on the wall. Her back turned to the audience, she recited "They won't see anything" while a camera recorded women's reactions in the audience. Facing forward again, she gargled with milk and spit it into a bowl, until the milk and her blood had mixed.

This one is my personal favorite--

Nov. 14 Marina Abramovic. Lips of Thomas (1975, Galerie Krinzinger, Innsbruck) Abramovic ate a kilogram of honey and drank a liter of red wine out of a glass. She broke the glass with her hand, incised a star in her stomach with a razor balde, and then whipped herself until she "no longer felt pain." She lay down on an ice cross while a space heater suspended above caused her to bleed more profusely.

And you can go to the Guggenheim and watch this! Kind of strange, no?

I've got a busy day ahead of me, so I don't have time to write more now. I'm going to go brush my teeth and try to ignore the small sadness gnawing at me in the pit of my stomach.

"Don't freak out, Hyde," I'm telling myself. "It's only been since Friday night that he hasn't answered your texts or called you back. It's only the Narc roller-coaster. You knew this was coming. You've been on this ride a thousand times before and it's okay. It's always ended up okay."

Okay? Okay.

Let's hope the day goes well...

-h

PS: Mystic issued a dare on his blog and I can never resist a dare. He writes:

Post something on your blog that you would not want the following people to know. 1 Your partner/spouse, 2. your best friend, 3. your boss

1. Although I can't really call Narc a "partner," this entire blog consists of things I don't want him to know-- how much I think about him, how much impact his every mood and every move has on my emotional life, and especially, how much I let his personal business be known to the world.

2. My best friend (and let's hope that B doesn't read this)-- after we broke up, I knew his email password and in a fog of sorrow and insecurity, I secretly checked his email several times. (I know-- I'm hanging my head in shame. Keep in mind, though, the password is the same, and I haven't checked it in over three years...)

3. My boss? This one is easy-- I missed class a few times last semester due to drug/alcohol use. And I've frequently taught with the effects of alcohol still coursing through my veins.

So, there you go, Mystic...

Oh! And PS, again: We may hit the 10,000 mark today for real. Let's see who it is!

Hyde in Moderation? WTF???

Yay! Hammer started up her blog up again! Go check it out--it's called Deathophilia.
She is having major romance problems and needs some advice. Help her out!

Okay, so it's just after 1:00 am and I'm home. What? That's right! I'm home! I've had six jack and diet's and one shot of Jager and I'm only now starting to feel it a little. No, scrap that... I'm still pretty much sober. I went out tonight with my friend, Violetta--the one who wrote that depressing post that I blogged about a few days ago. And again, I heard from Darren, the muscle guy I met last night at the bar (henceforth to be known as MuscleGuy).

MuscleGuy: What are you up to tonight? (6:59 pm)

Hyde: Not sure yet. May be out later for some drinks w/ friends. You? (7:33 pm)

MuscleGuy: Dinner with friends and a bday party. Meet up later? (8:44 pm)

Hyde: Maybe. Looking like it's gonna be an early night for me--still recovering from last night. But let me know where you are... (10:19 pm)

MuscleGuy: Will do. (10:42 pm)

and then later...

MuscleGuy: You still alive? (12:31 am)

Hyde: Barely. Think it's better to pick a different night. Have fun tonight though! (12:33 am)

MuscleGuy: You know I will. (12:34 am)

Hyde: :)

MuscleGuy: Don't be a stranger. (12:36 am)

So obviously this guy is into me, and I don't really know what I'm doing. I IM'd Charby a little about it before I went out tonight. And I think I kind of liked this guy. And maybe I should be trying to see outside the perimeter of my Narc-tunnel-vision. But really, I wish I were with Narc right now. I wish that Narc and I were normal enough that I could call him and say "Hey, what's up?" or "Narc, I'm going to bed at a decent hour tonight, so if you want to fuck me, call before 2:00 am."

Whatever... nothing is going to get solved tonight. I just can't believe that it's so early and I'm sober and I'm home.

I had a good time with Violetta. It was strange to hang out with her one on one and actually see the person she's become after not having really been friends with her for ten years.

Ughhh! Damn it, you guys! I want to be with Narc tonight. I fucking hate this. I just got off the phone with Hammer. She has a NY Times reporter asleep on her couch. He shares the same first name as Narc, and several personality traits as well. I told Hammer that I hate Narc. I hate him because I love him. I'm going to go wash off all my makeup and force myself into the mindset of staying in for the rest of the night. If I don't start getting more sleep I'm going to literally collapse one of these days.

That's it for now, I guess.

Good night, all!

-h

PS: It's after 2:00 now and I'm IM'ing Dan. I just texted Narc. Shit! I hope I don't regret it in the morning. I wrote: Just writing to say good night. And thinking of you...
Hmmm....

What a Night

(I seem to be writing a lot this weekend!)

Last night was... well, what a night. I'm still feeling it. I think I need to go nap, as once again, I hardly slept. Damn it, it's 1:30 in the afternoon and I still feel drunk-- not even hung over.

And this on my cell phone:

Darren: Good night, Gracie... (3:19 am)

Hyde: Where'd you go? (3:22 am)

Darren: Just left. Thought you were gone. Whoops. My bad. What are you doing tomorrow? (3:26 am)

Hyde: What are you doing now? (3:32 am)

Darren: At a bar on 86th. You? (3:55 am)

Hyde: Home now. See you some other time... (3:57 am)

Darren: I guarantee it... (4:01 am)

Who's Darren? Who the fuck knows. All I remember is that he's from NJ and has HUGE arms. I swear-- they must have been 20 inches around.

And as for Narc? I texted him earlier in the evening-- at 1:57 to be exact: Sleeping? I didn't hear back. I also have an email address and phone number added to my phone for someone named "Karlo." No clue who that is.

So it was a fun night. Saw BulgarianGuy and FightingMensch, got plastered, and apparently made some new friends. Now I'm going to go shower and sleep it off...

-h

Seasons Change

It's almost another Christmas in New York!

Yesterday the tree went up at Rockefeller Center, although, they won't be lighting it until November 30th. Saks is plastered in snow flakes and the windows are cloaked in preparation for the holiday displays; and Radio City is adorned with toy soldiers. Midtown was thick with out-of-towners today, here for the Veteran's Day Parade. The crowds added to the bustling feeling of the season though. I can't believe it's almost December again already-- almost my birthday. So much was going on in my life last November and December, and the anniversaries of those events are making me pensive. There's a post somewhere in me on all of that, but I don't want to get into it now...

It's been an exhausting week. On Monday night I hardly slept, as I was out with ThursdayGirl and BarMan doing coke in the bathroom of an Irish Pub. On Tuesday I worked a 12 hour day and then stayed up til all hours of the night with Narc. On Wednesday, mid-afternoon I unrolled a receipt in my wallet only to find that it was filled with smushed up cocaine that I had been carrying on my person for two days. I had no memory of having any extra, let alone putting it there. Upon opening it, I spilled a little of it in my wallet and on the seat of a cab. Oops! Later that night, B and I went to that fabulous concert. The rain was pouring down in sheets. I bumped into one of my students in the subway.

"Are we going to get our papers back tomorrow?" he called out to me as the subway doors shut in his face.

I had to laugh.

The fountain at Lincoln Center was lit in a golden yellow. I wanted to think it was beautiful, but instead, it reminded me of urine.

Even so, the music was marvelous. Both singers were so strong that it didn't matter that we were sitting in the cheap seats. It was melting, seamless music. Completely enveloping. The chords of Brangane's Watch are still seeped into the folds of my brain. Well sung Wagner is like a sweet sweet poison.

(That reminds me, and this is a total side note-- I was talking to B today and being all melodramatic and down about something that I don't want to get into here.

"I'm just poison, B! I'm poison!" I said.

"No, you're not! And if you're poison, well then-- I want to die of that poison!" he exclaimed.

I immediately started to laugh.

"I've turned you into a drama queen, just like me," I told him. "That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me." I was instantly cheered up.)

Anyway, the concert was lovely... that was my point. We got home at around 11:00 pm and watched some Daily Show. Narc texted me at 11:30 telling me he was at Bar & Books, but I told him I was going to bed early. And that was that.

Yesterday was another excruciatingly long day. Teaching was fun though-- I got to teach the origins of WWI which is always a rather "dramatic" class, with all of the alliance entanglements and the drama of war unfolding. On the way home I was carrying one of those enormous rolled-up maps that you hang on the blackboard. I felt rather ridiculous. While I was leaving the school, I checked my messages and had another message from Narc. He said he was in midtown and wanted to know if I wanted to meet up for a drink. But when I called him back, he was already home.

"I'm not feeling so great," he said. "So, I think I'm just going to stay in for the night."

"Why? What did you do today?"

"Oh, nothing, I guess. Slept in til 12:00 or so. Went to therapy in the evening."

(I was so tired and on such little sleep that I wanted to kill him!)

"Oh, okay... Well, I'm heading home now too," I replied.

"You can always swing by here if you want."

(The conversation felt a little awkward, although I'm not sure why.)

"Well, I want to go home first and unwind a bit. I'll call you in a little while."

Back at my place, I really felt like I was on the verge of collapse. But I managed to re-make myself up and pack an overnight bag. I checked my email and the blogs, and headed over to Cheers.

Cheers was packed! I think it's because of the three day weekend. There were so many men in there--including a slew of uniformed marines. Tons of men. Tons and tons of men! I swear, there must have been five men to every woman, if not more. It would have made for an interesting night, but I had told Narc I was on my way, so I downed one Jack Daniels and headed out.

Narc and I had a very chill night. For once, there was no alcohol on the agenda. Narc was so cute-- he told me he switched to all natural products in terms of toothpaste, deodorant, etc. and decided to stop using the microwave. He just read some books about holistic medicine, and toxins in food, and decided that that's why he's been depressed all his life. Then he went ahead and ordered in some Chinese food at 11:30 pm-- fried dumplings and veggie lo mein. Talk about a health issue! And, as Hammer pointed out-- he sure drinks a lot for someone who is concerned enough about his health to start using all natural deodorant!

Anyway, Narc has a new idea for producing a video series and he was all excited to tell me about it. It has something to do with this website (warning-- the website is a little x-rated), but as I'm sworn to secrecy on the subject I can't tell you more. Narc knew the guy that runs that website back when he lived in New Orleans heading up his own internet company a few years ago. He was also excited about putting together a friend of his who just wrote a TV pilot with someone he knows who works at HBO. He told me he's setting up the meeting for Tuesday. I thought it was sweet that he was just chattering away at me about all of it. Usually he doesn't talk about his work except to say that he's frustrated that it's not going anywhere.

"So, anyway, I thought we'd go see Pride and Prejudice in the morning," he announced. "I know you love that kind of thing."

"Narc, I'd love to, but I've got my speech therapy at 1:00."

He was disappointed.

On the subject of Pride and Prejudice we started talking about how the Jane Austin heroines are always choosing among rich, handsome men. We got into a whole discussion of men in the movies, and Narc said that he hates 1950's era movies because the "asshole" always gets the girl.

"I love movies from the '50s!" I said. "It's one of my favorite eras. I especially love Streetcar."

"Yeah, but Brando is such a brute. I mean, he's hot but he's an asshole. What's the point of that? The girl never chooses the nice guy. She always wants the withholding, non-committal one who doesn't give a shit about her!"

"Streetcar is more complicated than that," I said. "It's about social class and the dying out of Southern aristocracy, among other things. Brando's a brute because he's a symbol. He's leveling. The Wild One is another story--I'll give you that. In that movie, he's one of those grunting, motorcycle-riding, date-rapist rebel types, and the girl just pines after him."

"How can you like that crap?"

"I don't know... Maybe I have a think for motorcycle-riding assholes," I suggested.

"I showed you the pictures from when I used to motorcycle-ride, right?" he asked. "We did a few months on the road in the UK."

"Yes, Narc, you did."

I smiled. He can be so transparent.

Anyway, I'll spare you the details of the rest of our evening. It's strange-- the more "normal" things become between us, the less I feel the need to obsessively chronicle everything here. Needless to say, we didn't get to bed until around 3:00 am. I was so wiped out. Even so, I didn't regret having gone to see him. I love going to sleep with him. I just love it. At one point I wanted to tell him so. I wanted to say "I love you," but I didn't. It wouldn't have been a smart thing to do for a million and one reasons.

This morning, Hammer called and woke me up at around 9:00 am. I let Narc stay asleep and curled up next to him with my reading for class. I didn't want to go, but at around 11:30 I dragged myself up to get dressed in time for my appointment.

After speech therapy, I went to Patelson's and bought a book of Verdi Soprano arias (including Salce, salce & Ave Maria from Otello and Pace, pace mio dio from Forza) and I got a pitch pipe and some Vaccai exercises. I was very happy with my purchases. On the way home, I braved the midtown parade crowd, caught a glimpse of the Rockefeller tree (a fine looking tree, might I add), and I picked up some dinner.

This evening, I spent a huge amount of time on the phone with Hammer, helping her untangle some relationship issues, and I also spent a while uploading some Cheers photos to share with BarMan for his website.

Now it's about 10:00, and while I know I should call it a night and head to bed, somehow I don't think I will. The spirit of the night is beckoning my Hyde-side. And besides-- I already reapplied my makeup.

Later!

h

Oh, PS: Flash, I thought you'd like to know--Narc is going to see Depeche Mode on 12/8. :)

I don't know what to think...

First of all, I forgot to tell you all that yesterday was VJ's Birthday.
VJ-- I don't know if you still read this, but if you do, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

******************

Yikes.

I don't know what to think.

A little while ago, I reunited with a friend of mine that I hadn't seen in about 10 years. (I knew her in high school, but even then, we weren't very close). We spoke on the phone a few times in recent weeks, and she seems to be doing fine. She's a talented woman working in the arts, has a boyfriend she loves, and generally has her shit together.

Today, during my "in-between-teaching" internet procrastination, I came across her blog. What I found-- what she wrote-- is really bothering me.

As none of you know her, here is what she wrote:

*******************
I fuckin hate this blog shit.

I read what i write and realize it's nothing but sickness.

Word vomit puked up by my fingers to splash all over the screen violently. And it's fuckin addictive, contagious. Others read it, like it, hate, perplexed by it or my fucked up spelling or lack of proper grammer and what not....spreading this disease of horrible poetry, or writing, or just a shit load of run on sentences.

I never claimed to be good, infact, I will be the very first to stand up in a crowded room and scream out "I am fuckin worthless and my fingers should be hacked off"

Yet here i go again.....addictive. I know it's shit....urine.....pissed out just to get rid of the vileness and away from me. Its sap. its crap. darkness, blah....cold, blah...so sad...oh fuckin shut the fuck up.

I type now....i type because my fingers are accustomed to the motions of clicking on keys and have been craving this since my keyboard committed suicide.

The pizzaria i sit in smells of garlic and rain...and i only have 30 minutes left on this public computer. Im infecting it. I'm wipping my germs of worthless prose all over it. Perhaps the next person who sits here will write in there stupid ass livejournal about some crisis in thier lives that all the rest of us not willingly, need to be exposed to.

Here are the sick words....more fuckin words just arranged letters that make no sense to anyone, not even I, and i see them as they appear on the screen.

But it's like a dream, a weird sort of trip in my head beyond haze and fog where i can actualy be creative and not give a shit.

So what i draw, i sing, i make costumes made of glass and metal....nothign is greatness. Mediocrity , and i accept that as i accept my place and things that can not be changed. I'm better than those that can't, but in my opinion, i fuckin suck. and thats ok. A couple of chords on a guitar, a few songs spilled out and scattered poetry a few think is "fabulous"....greeeeaaat.

I wanna be fucked. I wann be pressed against a wall, my hips slammed against the plaster as my man takes me as i want him too. To take advantage of what i offer and yet fuck me like he wants to fuck ME, and not just stick his dick in something. I wanna be ravaged and wanted and emptied of this sickness that coarses through my viens and makes me want to stick my finger down my throat. If i could i would slit my wrists and drain the words out with my blood....sit in the tub and watch them swirl with the dirty water, and be dilluted into pink suds to wash away. But alas,,,,i'm too much of a pussy to do it. and thats ok too. we can't all be strong enough for such actions.

the doctor told me the other day i have an unusualy lareg heart as he peered over my chest xray. huh....and here i thought it was shriveled and decaying...rotting in my chest and making me weeze. sometimes things are just too fuck strange to even ponder. I'd give up, but fuck, then what would i do to pass the time?

There are only so many documentaries i can watch on discovery, only so many times i can rewatch that really hot episode of Rome. I feel like i should just walk out into the rain and dissapear, like so many think i would...witches are allergic to water so i am told.

21 minutes left....how much more can i cram. I dont want to go back to my apartment. I dont want to stare at the winged goddess i drew on my wall any more. She mocks me now....she sees what i do, and she knows I am pathetcic. If she could, she woud fly away.

Ahhh, I've coughed up again. gagged....thrown up more words of sap quessiness...aren't you surprised? no... doubtful. always fuckin doubtful.I am vulgar. I am a wretched woman....and thats ok. its all fuckin ok. thats what i keep telling myself....it's ok.

***********************

I'm upset for a few reasons. (The least of which are grammar and spelling, but trying to read stuff like that hurts my brain). First and foremost, I suffered from depression for a while and I used to romanticize it all of the time. Reading her writing reminded me, a lot, of what my brain used to be like. I haven't thought in those terms in a very long time and I haven't thought about thinking in those terms in a very long time. But being let inside of someone else's personal narrative like that has reminded me of my former self and unnerved me. I like to think that I "grew out of" my once beloved "adolescent morbidity." Yet, here is my friend at 27 years old, speaking in a voice that scares me.

On top of that, I feel like a voyeur for having found this. I feel like I did something wrong. Would she want me to read it? Am I going to look at her differently the next time I see her?

All I know is that right now, I feel very uncomfortable.

And I don't know what to think.

Anyway, I'll give you guys a more complete update later. But as for last night, basically-- the concert was incredible; B and I had a great evening; I actually got more than five hours of sleep last night; and Narc texted me at 11:30 that he was "at B&B" (or Bar and Books in the West Village, for those of you not in "the know").

I know you're probably all sick of my Narc-obsessing, but then again, this is my blog, so I reserve the right to obsess as I please.

I wrote back to him:
Have fun! I was at an amazing concert tonight, but in bed falling asleep now. Tomorrow is my long day again. Talk to you tomorrow night?

And he wrote back: K.

Weird. Maybe Mystic is right, and I'm on the Titanic. But whatever... There's meaning there for me.

Later...

-h

So... Total Narc contact for the week:

Thurs, 11/3- he texts me

Fri, 11/4- I stayed over there

Sat, 11/5- He called me that night

Sun, 11/6- We spoke on the phone

Mon, 11/7- I texted him (with no reply)

Tues, 11/8- I stayed over there

Wed, 11/9- he texted me to invite me out.

EVERY DAY??? WTF???

O sink hernieder, Nacht der Liebe

I'm feeling calm today. Once again, I hardly got any sleep last night, and I'm shocked that my body is still operational, but here I am. Tired and calm.

Yesterday was murder to get through. I taught two classes, headed to the East Side for my Holocaust class, headed back to the West Side, caught a few minutes of BarMan's volleyball game (his league moves around and happened to be using the gym at the school where I teach) and then I taught another class before coming home to the East Side. Teaching was especially fun yesterday, as I brought in music samples for them--Mozart (which we used to discuss the aesthetics of the Enlightenment), Beethoven (which we used to discuss Romanticism), and Schoenberg's Erwartung (which we used to discuss Expressionism and the anxiety of the Fin-de-Siecle moment). I wrote my Master's thesis on Erwartung, so it was great to watch the expressions of surprise and discomfort on my students' faces as they heard it for the first time.

I was on the verge of collapse when I got home. I talked to Hammer on the phone for a long time when I, out of the blue, got a text from Narc. (I wasn't expecting to hear from him until later in the week).

Here's how our text conversation went:

Narc: Out? (11:32 pm)

Hyde: Long day. I'm home. What about you? (11:39 pm)

Narc: Just back in. May kill a bottle of wine. Must get up early, but... Hmm... (11:42 pm)

Hyde: I've got therapy at 9:30. How early do you have to be up? (11:45 pm)

Narc: Wow. "Evita" is a bad movie... (11:46 pm)
Narc (again): Self-imposed earliness. Need a drink though. (11:47 pm)

Hyde: Yeah, but I liked it for "sentimental" reasons. Madonna is no Pati Lupone though. I need to be in bed 2:30 latest. Had a late night last night. What do you think? (11:49 pm)

Narc: Nightcap? This wine is dead. Got anything? (11:51 pm)

Hyde: Nope. I'm on empty. But I could pick something up. Red or white? (11:54 pm)

Narc: Red. Chianti or the like (11:55 pm)

Hyde: Leaving in 5... (12:15 am)

Narc: K. (12:17 am)

(Then, at the store)

Hyde: All I see is cab & merlot (12:26 am)

Narc: I am NOT drinkin' merlot... (grin) (12:27 am)

Hyde: :) (12:28 am)

Anyway, I didn't get there until about 1:15 or so. I wore my new coat and some of the new clothes my mom just bought me, so I felt very pretty. Yay! (I've been feeling like such a bum and in such a rut lately, that it was a nice change). I was SO tired. Narc and I watched the end of Evita and drank the wine. We just hung out and talked about a lot of different things. At one point, we were talking about the film Titanic (I think we were on the topic of "historical films") and I told him that when I was a kid, I had read a book that had almost the same exact plot as the movie. I was sure James Cameron swiped his story from the book. Narc was intrigued and insisted we find the book online. When we found it, he was really excited. I thought it was cute.

Narc was smoking a lot of cigarettes. I ended up falling asleep on the couch at around 2:15. The next thing I knew, a naked Narc was waking me up to bring me into the bedroom. I have no clue what time it was, but I set my cell phone alarm for 7:30 am and climbed in next to him. He gave me his stuffed penguin to sleep with. I thought it was a little strange. It's the second time he's done that. It's definitely a gesture of something nurturing, so it's sweet, but it's weird and I'm not quite sure where to file that one away. Anyway, I fell asleep in two seconds flat.

This morning I woke up, once again, feeling like hell (as I have been operating on virtually no sleep for the past week now). I stayed in bed with Narc for as long as I could before I had to get up. I didn't want to be late for therapy.

Anyway, today it's very grey outside. (Grey and Dreary, Deary!) But I'm looking forward to tonight. B's birthday is coming up on Monday, and as a gift, I bought us tickets to an amazing recital at Avery Fischer Hall-- Deborah Voigt and Ben Heppner. The program is a little Beethoven and a lot of Wagner. Yay! It's going to be fabulous! I'm getting more excited just thinking about it now.

Anyway, I guess that's it for the moment.

:)

-h-

Shit!

Shit!

I'm running late.

It's because last night I stayed out way too late. I went out with BarMan and ThursdayGirl after Cheers closed. I did coke in the bathroom of a bar on 23rd street. I got it from a couple I was talking to. The guy's name was Robert. The girl's name was Mary H. BarMan got drunk. It was so cute. He gets really affectionate when he's drunk.

But I'm late to teach.

And I've gotta go...

-h-

Invitations

All of the activity and lack of sleep this weekend has me completely wiped out. I feel like I look entirely bleary. Yuck.

Yesterday my mom woke me up after only four hours of sleep. We loaded up the car and headed out to NJ for the Christening. I always feel a little strange going back to the town where I spent the first few years of my life. My early childhood feels like a dream to me-- imagined. Going back there and spending time with our former neighbors is like being in a room full of people who can all see your imaginary friend. And all of it is little warped-- they're children in my memory and adults in reality, but my memories of my dad never move. He can never age. And the town still looks the same. It's eerie. So time is both frozen and fluid and I always get a strange feeling that I can't quite describe... Something uncanny.

Anyway, I called Narc when I got back to the city last night, as I said I would, and as expected, he didn't answer. I tried to put it out of my mind. NDN and I ate fried chicken for dinner (which was delicious) and then we went for a walk. While we were strolling up Second Avenue, Hammer called to invite me out.

"Why don't you and Narc come meet me and the Wizard at Corner Bistro?"

"What??? I'm not with Narc right now."

"So? Call him!"

"He's not going to answer! But I'll try... I'll call him anyway."

We hung up and I placed the requisite call to Narc.

"Hey, Narc, it's me again. It's 8:00 on Sunday. I know I already left you a message tonight, but we have a little invitation-- Hammer and the Wizard wanted to know if you wanted to meet up at the Corner Bistro tonight. Anyway, give me a call when you get this. Bye."

NDN and I continued on our way. We were on a quest for white or rose wine (which can be hard to come by on a Sunday, as the liquor stores are closed). But I was feeling exhausted and was determined to "indulge" in my shower.

NDN and I were both obsessing-- him about his apartment search, and I, about Narc. Once I had placed that second phone call, I was nervous about whether or not he would call me back. I couldn't seem to wipe it from my train of thought. In any case, we found the wine, bought some ice cream and headed back to our building.

I have to say, my shower was disappointing-- I downed the entire bottle and wasn't even tipsy, so I didn't really get the desired effect. I guess it's a sign I've been drinking too much this year. I used to be able to get delightfully tipsy on only half a bottle. I felt cheated.

Anyway, I went about getting ready for bed and settling in when around 12:30 am, he called! Yay! He called! He said he hadn't called earlier because he was in the movies seeing Jarhead (which apparently wasn't very good). He told me that he would have accepted that night's invitation if only he had gotten the message sooner. He suggested that we reschedule.

"Well, when is good for you? I mean, you're a little hard to pin down, Narc."

"Later in the week, I guess. I'm busy with meetings and stuff through Wednesday," he said.

"Okay..."

"But I'll give you a call later in the week."

We said good night and I was happy. I couldn't believe he called back! So that means, he sent me a text (albeit at 5:00 am) on Thursday night, we got together on Friday night, he called me on Saturday night, and he returned my call on Sunday night.

Strange...

Today I haven't been feeling so well because of the utter exhaustion. I did my best to get some work done and mustered my way through a mediocre voice lesson. I also spent a good chunk of the afternoon putting together an Evite for my birthday party in a month. So far, I've got about 65 people on the guest list. I know some of them won't come (a couple of them even live out of town), but even so, I don't know how I'm going to squeeze them all into my apartment, let alone get my apartment cleaned up over the next month.

And then there's the issue of whether or not to invite Narc.

Here's the dilemma--

If I invite Narc to the party, and he actually shows up, it is going to be incredibly awkward and uncomfortable. The only of my friends he's ever met in person are Hammer, NDN, and some of the folks at Cheers. However, almost everyone has heard of him, and they all pretty much hate him. (I know that if B ever met him in person, he would say something to let Narc knows how he feels...)

If I don't invite Narc to the party, it sends the worst kind of message. Narc likes to pretend that I don't exist or that our "relationship" doesn't exist in the "real" world. I don't want to confirm that message for him. I don't want to be complicit with his keeping our relationship a separate part of life. I want to normalize things-- to say "look, we're friends. I invited you to my party, just like I invited all of my other friends. So stop being so strange about things. And stop being so threatened by my existence!"

In an ideal situation, I would invite him, but he would decline. That way, I would be true to myself towards him, but would be able to avoid any discomfort at the party. But I can't count on him declining.

So what should I do?

I sent out the Evite leaving him off the list. I can always add him later.

Tomorrow it's back to the grindstone for another hellishly long Tuesday.

I feel ill prepared.

-h-

Aching Sweetness

Even though this post says Sunday, I'm writing it late Saturday night...

Today has been sweet to me. Last night was sweet too. And I'm happy. I'm not saying it's permanent or lasting on any level. I'm just content right now and it feels good. Now, I know I said I wasn't going to post again until Sunday night, but I'm at my parents' house and everyone has gone to bed except for me, so I thought I'd try to sneak something in...

Last night...

Last night was both very difficult (when it comes to the dinner with B) and simply wonderful (when it comes to my evening with Narc). I was so nervous to meet B's girlfriend. I really don't want to go into it all that much here, as B doesn't like when I write about him. But, I will tell you a little.

I got dressed as beautifully as I could without over-doing it. Then I stopped at Cheers for a few drinks to help take the edge off. The only problem was I had forgotten to eat anything all day. I had just been running around all afternoon and never got around to it. So I had one glass of Chardonnay and two glasses of Jack Daniels, which for me normally wouldn't make too much of a dent, but all of a sudden I was feeling drunk, and due to meet them for dinner. I called Hammer in a half-panic, riding the bus down Second Avenue. She assured me that I sounded fine. So I willed myself into a more "sober" state and did my best. At the dinner itself, I talked up a storm. As soon as I had some food in my stomach, the alcohol started to wear off, which was a good thing. I think I did a pretty decent job of making everyone comfortable and keeping the conversation active. I joked with B's girlfriend as if we were old friends. Even so, the rich and intense history between me and B was clear, as almost everything that came up had a reference for us. ("Didn't we see that movie the time that..." "You used to love going there..." "That was the book you gave me right before you went home for the month..." etc.) I'm sure it was threatening to her, but there's nothing I can do about that.

Anyway, that's all I really want to say about that.

Narc had suggested that I call him when I was finished with dinner. I did so, but he didn't pick up the phone. I tried his cell phone and he didn't answer that either. Was he blowing me off? I suddenly felt rejected and a little despondent (I think because of the sensitive nature of everything with B) and so I decided to go home. Once there, I plopped onto the couch and started to doze off in front of the TV. I called Narc twice more, leaving a message. My phone rang once, but it wasn't him. I let it go to voice mail. It was Candy (the woman I met at Cheers in early October who took her clothes off at my place and lounged on my bed while we talked). Anyway, she wanted to know if I would come meet up with her at Cheers.

Just when I was starting to sink into despair, the phone rang again. This time it was Narc. Yes! He told me that he had been dropping off some orange juice for a sick friend and had left his phone at home.

"I'm home now, though, if you want to come down," he said.

"I'll be right there!"

On the way there, I poked my head into Cheers and said hello to Candy. I only stayed for five minutes though. I didn't want it to cut into my time with Narc.

It was the start of a genuinely sweet night. Narc answered the door and greeted me with a kiss. He wasn't his usual naked self. Instead, he was wearing black pants and a black button-down shirt. The shirt was loose and kind of rumpled and halfway opened. He looked decadent and I liked seeing his chest hair. I thought it was sexy. Anyway, he was in the middle of playing some kind of Vampire video game.

"Do you mind waiting a few minutes for me to finish this level?" he asked. "Then I can entertain you."

"Not at all," I said. "I have to email some students about their midterms anyway. Can I go in your room and use the computer?"

It felt nice just to be together, each doing our own little thing. He kept calling out to me from the living room, trying to carry on a conversation while I was working. It was cozy.

When I finished, I watched him finish up the last bit of his game and then we settled in on the couch together, chatting and channel-surfing. He wanted something sweet and ordered in some ice cream (among other things), but I passed. I told him that I'm trying to get my sugars back under control. I think that both of us are trying to stay a little healthier. It's weird. We used to be such a high drama couple, but last night was so normal. Somehow, passing on the ice cream embodied that for me. I didn't have to eat it just because Narc was eating it. And I wasn't being excessively indulgent. I just didn't want the ice cream. I felt like myself.

But Narc tends to go to extremes search for a "quick fix" to the huge complex of problems plaguing him. He's definitely depressed (although maybe not in a clinical sense), but he's constantly searching for connection and meaning. And he's always looking for those answers outside of himself. He's into all sorts of weird spirituality things (which I can't get into here); he's gone on sudden fasts; told me "an angel" instructed him to become a vegetarian, and what not. He's been to a million "self-improvement" classes and workshops, and is deep into Jungian analysis right now. Anyway, I think he thought of his recent trip to Europe as another "quick fix," which didn't quite do the job, and only left him more depressed upon his return. Last night he started telling me all about vitamins--how the reason he feels so down is because of toxins and a lack of certain nutrients. He's going to "cure himself" holistically. I looked in his kitchen--there must have been about 15 bottles of newly purchased vitamins and supplements. I wanted to gather him up and kiss him for that. I wanted to give him the longest hug.

Anyway, we watched Bill Mahr and Conan and talked and laughed a lot. When he wasn't paying attention, I kept stealing glances at him. For some reason, last night, more than ever, I got such pleasure from just looking at him-- at his details. I love his hands. They have always been one of my favorite of his parts. They're large and strong and manly, but the tops of his hands and his fingers are rounded and rosy and his palms are smooth--there's something both very masculine and very child-like about his hands, and that's kind of what I see in him. I just felt him in a very tactile way last night. I don't quite know how to explain what I mean. But, for example, for a while I was laying with my head in his lap, my arm was outstretched so that I was touching his wrist. I held it and felt it--the solidness of it, taking in its color, smoothness and the slight roughness from his hair, all of it entering into me and changing me. I felt good. And I feel good now. I really don't have words for it. But there I was, just observing him--watching him watch TV, take a breath, release a sigh, having a sip of water. And I was adoring him. And I loved it.

At around 1:30 am, I felt about ready to pass out from exhaustion.

"Narc, I'm beat. I'm going to go take off my makeup and get ready for bed," I said.

"Wait! But I wanted to watch Sideways with you."

"What?"

"Yeah-- it was on TV. I tivo'd it. I can't believe you haven't seen it yet, that's all."

"But Narc, I'm so tired. What if I fall asleep in the middle?"

"You won't. You'll get into it."

I can't refuse him, so I agreed, despite the fact that I was running on about 5 hours of sleep and had to wake up the next morning at 9:30 am.

The movie was cute. But what was cuter still, was how much Narc identified with the main character. He didn't explicitly say so, but it was obvious in his commentary. His friend James is an actor, and so I guess the pair of them sort of parallel the writer/actor friends in the movie.

By the time it ended it was about 3:30 am. I was wiped. Narc moved into the bedroom to do his bedtime internet surfing. I followed him there. I wanted to get into bed, but it was strange-- we hadn't had sex yet, and we were both sober and we're not a "couple," so I wasn't sure how much of my clothing to leave on and how much to take off before climbing under the covers. (Yes-- all you naysayers! Narc and I CAN spend time together without drinking or fucking the whole time!) Anyway, I slowly started to take off my socks and my jewelry. And then, fuck it. I was just going to take it all off. So I did just that. He kind of turned around from the computer and snuck a look at me, as if he weren't sure what I was going to do either.

Once undressed, I snuggled in under the covers and watched him, again, at the computer. He had taken his shirt off. I liked it.

I started to doze after a little while, until I heard him moving around. I peeked my eyes open to see what he was doing. He was standing over me looking down. It made me nervous in a thrilling kind of way. Sometimes I feel like I have such a schoolgirl crush on him! Then he got undressed, shut the lights and got into bed. As soon as he did, all of my nervousness was gone. He pulled me into him, burying my face in his chest so that I couldn't breathe, pinning me down with his legs, wrapping his arms around me. Things felt right. I could feel him breathing. Each slow expansion of his chest took me with it.

Anyway, we did end up having sex, but I'll keep those details between me and Narc. I only want to say that it was a little different than usual--the pacing, the feeling behind it. And towards the end of it, even he was different, somehow transcending himself. It's hard to explain, but Narc sometimes feels as if he has an anchor around his neck-- an albatross of sorts. Its physical presence is so clear, so obvious to me-- its energy. Narc feels very earth-bound--pinned down somehow. Watching him try to twist towards spiritual freedom is like trying to watch a half squashed insect try to turn itself upright. It's nearly impossible. I can't touch him there... I can't interfere. It fucking breaks my heart. It makes everything in me melt for him. Anyway, last night, there was a kind of aggressive energy and physical force coming from him that didn't seem to stem from frustration, but rather, it was directed towards something much bigger. He took it out in love and it seemed to free him for a moment. He was magestic in my eyes--triumphant. Afterwards, he lay with his head on my stomach for the longest time, and I just held him. My love is big, and I let it be like a flood. A river on which he could drift and be safe. It was a perfect moment.

But soon enough he got up to get a glass of water, and that spell was broken. It doesn't matter. It's still with me right now. And today has been sweet. And my heart is aching in a sweet pained sort of way because it's so full. And I don't need anything else from him right now.

That night he wouldn't let me out of his reach while we slept, so I stayed as near to him as I could. When I turned, I extended a hand for him to clutch. We didn't fall asleep until just after 5:00 am, but I somehow woke up naturally at 9:25-- just before my alarm. I was grateful because I didn't want to wake him unnecessarily. I got up and got dressed as quickly and as quietly as I could. Then I bent down to kiss him goodbye.

"You're going?" he murmured.

"Yeah, I have to get out of here. And I won't be around tonight. But have a great rest of the weekend, okay?"

"You too." He fell back asleep.

On my way out, I sent him a text:

Had a great time last night. Thanks.

I headed straight to my voice lesson, which even on no sleep, went marvelously. I just felt great. And I sang great. I warmed up to a high-G! (That's the third G above middle C!). The resonance was brilliant today too.

After that, I took the bus down to Penn Station. I talked to Hammer for a while on the phone (she's having some "email follies" with the Arch), and then I talked to B. He told me he "doesn't know what he would do without me." :) Then I took the train out to Long Island.

My mom picked me up and announced that she's sick of seeing me in t-shirts and sweatshirts and sneakers and offered to buy me some new things. I ended up getting a lot, including a winter coat, so I'm quite pleased. It was nice to spend some one on one time with my mom too. We had a great time of it.

Later on in the evening, she, my stepfather and I headed to the movies to see Good Night and Good Luck. I don't think I've been to the movies with my parents in as long as I can remember. It was cozy and I felt a lot of love towards them-- grateful that I have them. I just felt that warm feeling of "home"-- being somewhere you belong.

Back at home, my mom pulled out a huge file folder she had recently gotten from the storage unit.

"Family memories," she explained.

She pulled out all sorts of strange objects, from her baby teeth, to a journal my great grandfather kept during a 1952 trip to Florida to a clipping from the local paper with a picture of my mom and dad on the day my dad became a citizen. She offered the clipping to me. He's waving a little American flag, his arms around my mom, beaming from ear to ear. She also gave me a picture of myself as a 2-month old being held by my maternal grandfather (he died a few weeks later) and a picture that was taken of me four hours after my birth. I can't tell you why, but it added to that feeling that I've had since last night-- that feeling of aching sweetness.

My heart is hurting from love right now. I don't know what I want. I don't know what's right and what's wrong, what's hurt and what's health. But I do know that this feeling is wholely human and good and I feel integrated. When I think of Narc today, I think of him in last night's details. It's a sensory memory, not a rational one. And it's sweet.

Aching sweetness.

I better get some sleep now, as I have to wake up in five hours.

:)

-h-

The Weekend Arrives!

Wow, this week went fast! Probably because I spent the first half of it laying sick in bed. But I have a really busy weekend ahead of me and probably won't be able to post until Sunday night.

What will I be up to?

• Tonight I'm having dinner with B and his girlfriend (ahhhh!)
• After that, I may swing by Narc's (and obviously, stay over)
• Saturday morning I have a voice lesson
• Then I'm going to Long Island to see my stepbrother and go shopping with my mom
• My mom wants to go see Good Night and Good Luck, so we may go in the evening.
• Sunday morning I'm taking a ride with the family over to NJ for a Christening. (It's the W family, our old neighbors-- the oldest boy, CW, and his wife just had a baby)
• And then I'll be back at my place with a ton of reading to do!

I was so strategic with Narc today. When I woke up this morning I had a text message from him sent at 5:06 am. He wrote: up? Well, I know the Narc. That means he was out late partying (so much for him being sick!). And that means he'd sleep in until 2:00 or so. Then, he'd get up, watch some TV, order takeout, play his video games, and at around 5:00 start to feel a little down and a little lonely. So that's when I called-- right at 5:00. I left him a message telling him that I'm having dinner with friends and that I wanted to know if he wanted to hang out "low key" afterwards. He called me right back. Score!

Anyway, that's just me being me... Maybe it's a little obsessive. Whatever...

I had a pretty good day today though. I'm feeling a little more grounded and I've been in a sort of "re-connecting" mood. On Wednesday night, I called an old college friend, KSing, who I haven't spoken to in about a year. It was as if no time had passed at all. I was up at Columbia waiting for my choir rehearsal to start, when I called. I sat and talked to her on the library steps near the Alma Mater. We just talked and talked. When I was in college we used to rehearse on Mondays and Wednesdays, so it was kind of surreal, to be there on a Wednesday with my black binder in tow, talking to KSing on college walk. She told me that she's singing in a band now-- something with bluegrass influences. She's living in D.C. working on a degree in literature and creative writing. (I'm not sure if it's a MA or a PhD). In any case, the conversation made me feel good. That friends don't just disappear.

This morning, I had a nice talk with my sister. Then I had a great speech therapy session and bought two pairs of shoes.

I spent the rest of the day mentally prepping for this dinner tonight. I need to go get started on my makeup. Oh... and I need to leave time to pit-stop at Cheers for a drink. I need to put my game face on for this one.

Hope you all have a great weekend!

-h-

Everything I Know...

Everything I know is unstable.

Think about it...

"Reason" means nothing when there is primitive impulse. It's 3:00 am. I just bought a box of hair-dye. I was drunk, but I asked a stranger if the color would look good on me. Don't get me wrong... I still want my hair to be black, but just with a little more dimension. I need to get rid of any gray strands before I meet B's girlfriend tomorrow. Why should I have gray strands anyway? I'm 26! (Yes, it's fucked up. Okay... We all know I'm basically insecure!)

Suddenly, I have nothing to say. I still have a crush on BarMan. In fact, a bigger one. But bigger still, my crush on Narc. I LOVE him. I know you all think I'm a stupid fuck for that. I don't care. None of you feel what I feel. And I can't say anything beyond that right now. And I don't have to...

I want to go drown myself in a hot shower. How many of you have ever had the DIVINE pleasure of downing a super-cold bottle of white (or pink) wine while taking an insanely hot shower? I don't have the wine, so that won't be me tonight... but Damn... That's as good as anything I've known.

So...

Good night!

-h-

(PS: I am trying.)

Johnny Bello, Messages and Love (Yes, it's always about Love!)

A man named "Johnny Bello" just swore to me (on his mother's grave) that I have the most beautiful eyes he's seen in NY since he's been here (which is about 20 years). And then he gave me a gross slobbering kiss on the eyelid. Ew! Ew! Gross....

There's a lot else on my mind, but not anything that I'm ready to share with blogland.

As for my dinner party with Narc, he can't make it. He wrote to me the other day:

Doing horribly--cough, fever, nausea, etc. Think we'll have to postpone.

I wrote back twice:

Oh no! And I'm just starting to feel better. Let me know if you need me to bring anything- food, meds, etc. Seriously, call if you need me, ok? Hope you feel better soon!

and then,

My phone just said "msg. error." So, in case you didn't get it, I wrote that you should call me if you need anything at all-- supplies or company. And take care!

Hmm...

Later in the week, Hammer writes to me:

Narc is your Mr. Big!

I agree. And think of him. And miss him.

Fuck it. I have a major crush on him. Major. MAJOR. I'm crushing on him all the time.

But fuck it, because I have no control over who I crush on.

So, let's scrap that topic and move on to B...

I finally agreed to meet B's girlfriend (which is going to kill my soul, but that's okay, I'll learn to take it). He knows that, so he writes (and this is a much edited version of his message):

Anyway, looks like we're on for dinner on Friday evening, around 8:30 in the Kips Bay area. I told (my girlfriend) about it in a casual way and she agreed. And she looked scared! I'm kinda nervous too. I've actually felt awful about this whole thing all day. I feel like I have no right to ask you to do this, and I have no words to express how much this means to me. I love you so much it hurts. Till the end of time.

-b

And I love him too. I would have married him. It makes me wonder about Narc...

-h

(PS: Yes, I've had a few drinks, so this post may come down in the morning, as it's a little too personal. If you're lucky enough to catch it, well, then... lucky you! Then again, maybe I'll read it, decide it's okay, and leave it up... h)

Where's George?

The other day I got a dollar bill with a stamp on it that says "wheresgeorge.com." It's a website for tracking currency. I entered the serial number on the bill that I have and it turns out that someone registered it in Turtletown, Tennessee on September 27th. Interesting? I haven't decided yet. My bill has traveled 685 Miles in 34 Days, 19 Hrs, 28 Mins at an average of 20 Miles per day. Anyway, maybe I'll register with the website and watch the random wanderings and adventures of my bill. I can live vicariously.

I'm feeling a little bit better today, but even so, I took the day off from work. Tuesdays and Thursdays are my 12 hour days, and with nearly six hours of lecturing, I know it would just knock me right out again.

I thought a bit about the whole NaNoWriMo thing this morning and sat down to write. I wrote about 944 words in an hour and a half. But I should have been grading midterms. Or catching up on papers I haven't finished writing. So I think I'm going to drop the project and wait until next year. I have too much writing to do for school. I still have three incompletes and two more papers to write for the classes I'm taking now and a shitload of grading papers and then more exams coming up. I just don't think I can take the added stress. But good luck to all of you who are giving it a go!

I'm trying to clean up my house little by little today. It really got trashed this weekend between throwing clothes and makeup all over the place getting ready for Halloween and the condom wrappers, overturned chairs, and black & gold cigarette butts left behind by Narc.

I stopped in Cheers last night for a few minutes just to say hi to BarMan and ThursdayGirl. Obviously, as I'm sick, I wasn't drinking. There was hardly anyone there, as it was Halloween, so it was quiet and ThursdayGirl and I got to have a good long chat. We talked mostly about Narc stuff. She was in a really similar relationship before, and I honestly think she "gets it." Her "Narc" is in the military right now in Korea. I really like her a lot.

Speaking of "getting it," Spins-- it's Tuesday, so I'm awaiting that article you promised.

And Sarah-- I'm glad you came out of your usual "lurking" position yesterday. You should comment more often! :)

Anyway, I guess that's it for now. I'm trying to renew a commitment to my health because it really sucks to get sick and I've just had too much of it this year. I finally went grocery shopping and stocked my fridge with healthy foods. And yesterday I went back to my endocrinologist to try to get my blood sugars back under control again. He wrote me a new prescription and chastised me a bit, but I deserved it. I made a follow up appointment for two weeks from now to keep me "on track."

In other news, Narc had said that he wanted to do another dinner party with Hammer and the Wizard. As such, yesterday I sent him a text:

Hammer asked if you still want to do dinner w/her and the Wizard this week. I can do Thurs after 9:30 or Fri... let me know.

Typical Narc, but I haven't heard a word back from him. It's interesting though. While it still bothers me, it doesn't make me feel "sick" the way it used to. I'm much busier now. And that's a good thing.

-h

PS: Dan, I felt really really bad that you thought NDN and I would be making fun of you. I can't emphasize enough that it's not case and that I respect you a lot. So please get that out of your mind, and accept my apology if anything in that post offended you. okay? :)

One Night Too Many: Part II

So, here's the rest of the post, as promised...

On Saturday, just before I left Narc's place, he told me he wasn't feeling well.

"I don't know how I'm ever going to make it through this Halloween party tonight at M&M's," he said.

(He was going to some strange party in which he had to dress in something red). Anyway, he was drinking can of coke after can of coke, and I suggested that maybe it was the sugar that was making him feel sick. (He has blood-sugar sensitivity issues not that different from my own, and I know that if I even drank half a can of regular coke, it would fuck me up and make me feel sick).

"Diet coke makes you fatter than regular coke though," he said. "It's the aspartame that does it."

"I find that hard to believe. Besides, I'm not talking about getting fat," I said. "I'm talking about the sugar crashing. If you're worried about calories and aspartame, just drink water."

Anyway, after leaving Narc's place, I met NDN at my apartment to help get him ready for the evening. Like I said, earlier, he was going as "Hyde" for Halloween. I did his make-up exactly as I do my own for a night out; I styled a long black wig for him until it looked just like my hair, and I helped him get dressed in my dress and jewelry. We even took care of minor details, giving him one of my purses, painting my tattoo onto his arm and spraying him with my perfume. It was hilarious. And I have to say, he looked rather beautiful.

As I was a little late coming back from Narc's, and I promised my sister we would get to the party early (so I could help her with her make-up), I had no time to get dressed myself. So I threw my costume and a huge kit of makeup into my bag and NDN and set off for BigSis and Bro-in-Law's new apartment in Forrest Hills. (I have to note-- I am the expert makeup artist and costumer in my family. I love that stuff and always have a lot of it on hand!)

On the way there, I took some pics of NDN in the subway. (Maybe I'll post one here, but he's got to upload them onto SnapFish for me first.) We both had that stupid song stuck in our heads-- "Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Don't you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?" Before long, he was distressed about a run in his stockings which sparked a conversation with three women sitting nearby on the subway. They were all very interested in his costume. He explained to them that he was going as "me," and showed them some pictures of me stored in his camera in which I was wearing the same black lace top as he had on. They were all amazed at the resemblance and asked if we were "twins." It was pretty funny, as we actually look nothing alike when he's not in costume.

When we got to my sister's place, he rang the bell first, pretending to be me, and I hid around the corner. Everyone was roaring with laughter. Neither of my sisters could believe it. When my mom showed up at the party she couldn't help but laugh as well. He kept calling my sisters by my nicknames for them and even asked my mom, "mommy, can we have a picture with the family?" which of course, I was left out of.

LiLSis and JBC were dressed as Barney and Betty Rubble. It was adorable. Bro-in-Law was Superman (as he is every year), but it was especially notable for me, as I had seen the Superman movie for the first time that afternoon. BigSis was dressed as a mermaid and I did a beautiful aqua and silver shimmering eyelid for her. Then I got dressed myself and went to join the crowd. It was BigSis and Bro-in-Law's good friends who I've known forever, both of their groups of work friends (who I don't know as well), the family, a few of JBC's friends, etc.

I had already decided before the party not to drink, as I try to avoid drinking in front of my family (for a variety of reasons, the least of which is maintaining my "Jekyll" facade) but NDN was all set to get smashed. Even if I had wanted to drink, it wouldn't have mattered. By 11:00 pm, I started to feel sick-- aches and pains, a slight sore throat, some chills and a fever. I went into BigSis' bedroom to close my eyes. My mom came in to find me and made me some tea. Her costume was so cute. She was dressed as a hippy with a badge on that said "I'm me in '73!" She was carrying a sign that said: "1.) Impeach the lying President! 2.) Bring home the troops! 3.) No Ideologues on the Court!" Anyway, I knew instantly that whatever it was I came down with had to be from Narc. I sent him a text:

Whatever you have, I definitely caught. Sudden onset of sore throat and chills. Sucks. Anyway, hope you found something red and are feeling better than I am! :)

My mom gave me some tylenol and after an hour or so, I rejoined the rest of the party. NDN was continuing to get more and more drunk, as was BigSis' co-worker, Charles, who happens to be flaming and quite an exhibitionist. Charles took off his shirt and had started dancing like wild in the living room, doing pushups, etc. and working up quite a sweat. NDN joined him on the dance floor and was dancing quite wildly himself. It was quite a scene, I have to say. I've never seen NDN drink that much before. He's basically a light weight, but there he was swigging half cups of straight vodka, insisting that he was acting "in character." (Ha ha... very funny.) He even asked my mom to do shots with him and grabbed her head, drawing it to his stuffed bosom. OUT OF CONTROL. I parked myself on the couch next to BigSis' friend, AGrub, and we gossiped for most of the night. NDN put me on camera duty, so I got a lot of good shots of the excitement. It was a "wild" scene in it's own weird way.

As the evening progressed, both NDN and my sister's friend English got increasingly drunk. NDN thinks she's cute and started hitting on her. He told me that he was going to try to take her home with him, which I didn't think was such a good idea, knowing English the way I do. It's too much to go into right now, but trust me, it would have been a recipe for disaster. Nevertheless, NDN was determined and started asking English all sorts of personal questions about her sex life. English is not one of those people really open to talking about sex and she snapped at NDN that it was private. Even so, she was laying kind of draped over him.

At around 1:00 am or so, I was ready to head home. I gathered NDN, English and AGrub and called a car service to take us back to Manhattan. The car ride home was quite interesting. NDN continued to try to get English to agree to get home with him, and even told the cab driver that he wanted to "fuck her" in Spanish. English doesn't speak Spanish, but AGrub and I both understood him and AGrub shot me quite a look. He also pressed her again about her sexual history, etc. and I tried to get him to drop the topic. He kept giving me "the hand," as he was too drunk to realize he was being inappropriate, and that I was trying to do "damage control." He asked for her number and she told him "Hyde will give it to you."

"I'll give it to you in the morning," I said. "After I call English."

You guys get the idea. The whole ride home was like that.

Once back in our neighborhood, English and AGrub headed separate ways, while NDN wanted to stop into Cheers so that they could all see his costume. I agreed, even though I was feeling sicker and sicker, since we only planned to stay for one drink.

NDN's costume was a SMASH! IrishBird and the Bouncer were hysterical laughing. BarMan commented to me something like "I'm starting to see why you like this guy!" and PumpedUp thought it was great. The piece de resistance was when he got up to sing "I Will Always Love You," my karaoke signature song. Everyone was nearly in tears. But NDN was increasingly incoherent. He started making fun of me, trying to act like "drunk Hyde," saying things like "Oh, but I love him! I love him!" imitating how I get about Narc. And he even sent me a text saying "I love him! I want to fuck him!" It was funny, but a little over the top. I'm still sensitive about all of that. He ordered my "go-to" drink, as BarMan calls it, but he mistakenly called BarMan "BarMan," instead of his real name. I nudged him not to start giving away my "secrets" at the bar.

NDN started dancing with as many people as possible, grabbing them and kissing them on the cheeks. He was just flirting with everyone right and left. It was out of control, in a way that's hard for me to put into words, and without wanting to embarrass him too much on this blog. After he sang, and at around 3:00 am, I had enough. I was getting the chills and was sure I had a fever, and I just wanted to go home. I told NDN it was time to leave.

Back in our building, he begged me to let him stay over at my place. I told him "no." I just needed to get as good a night's sleep as possible, and to be honest, I had enough of my drunk hyper neighbor for one evening! I unlocked his door for him and said good night, and took off my makeup, starting to unwind. I got into bed, and gratefully closed my eyes. A minute later, the doorbell rang. NDN needed help getting off his necklace and bracelet. I complied. I got back into bed and started to drift off to sleep. Wait-- what was that? The doorbell ringing again. I opened the door and found NDN stretched out on the floor in the hallway. Now, this didn't come out of nowhere. To give you guys the background-- one night last November, I got so drunk that I passed out in the hallway like that. My other next-door neighbor found me, but couldn't drag me into my apartment alone. He rang NDN's bell at 4:00 am and the two of them had to get me home. So NDN thought he was funny doing a "dramatic reenactment" of that evening. Being sick and half asleep at nearly 4:00 am, I was not so amused. I told him to get up and go to bed.

"Can't I sleep in your hallway tonight?" he begged.

"No. Now go to sleep."

I got back into bed and again was just drifting into a good sleep when I heard some thumping on my door. I tried to ignore it. It didn't stop. He must have "thumped" for a good 10 minutes. Now I was pissed off. I opened the door.

"If you don't stop banging on my door, I'm going to call downstairs to the doorman and have them drag you away. You're being a fucking asshole. Now, stop!"

I slammed the door shut. NDN sent me a series of tragic text messages:
(The last is kind of funny. If you read Dan's blog, he makes reference to Dan's girlfriend, although neither of us could make sense of what he was trying to say the next morning!)

The first:
Aliance? Drunk? drunk Luis? He taxi driver. HElp!

The second:
Me homd bvt drunk. Home bv HELP! Should I go out?

The third:
FINE! ME GO OUT! HELP HYDE! BE A FRBIEND! HELP!

The fourth:
Me hear bv and sad sad like Mako ane leave! she should let u know

Needless to say, I didn't get any of these texts until the next day, because by that point, I had shut my phone off.

The next day, I woke up feeling even worse. I stayed at home all day, trying to rest up. Today was basically the same...

I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to go to work tomorrow, but we'll see...

Gotta go watch Dr. Phil now.

later!

-h-

10,000?

I wonder if we'll reach 10,000 visitors by the end of the day today!

Should I offer someone a prize for it? I'm pretty lousy at that. I still haven't sent Dan a prize for winning that photo contest. (Dan, I haven't forgot you! I'm just lazy...)

I'm still pretty sick and think I need to cancel all of my appointments for the day. If I'm no better by tomorrow I'm also going to have to cancel teaching and skip my own class. What a mess. Anyway, I promise you Part II of last night's post ASAP. For now, I'm going to crawl back into bed and watch the repeat of yesterday's soap opera before dragging myself to the doctor.

:)

h

PS:

Happy Halloween!
And HAPPY BIRTHDAY BIGSIS!

One Night Too Many: Part I

It's here. The first sore throat of the season. I feel so sick today that all I want to do is curl up in bed and watch mindless television. Too bad I still have a massive pile of midterms to grade. I went out late Thursday night with Narc, to a party on Friday night and another late night party again last night. (Although I didn't drink last night). Guess I was just out "one night too many."

This weekend was an interesting one-- a lot happening. But while I don't have the energy to be as detailed as usual, I'll try to give you the highlights. (Some of this, I already mentioned in the previous post, so sorry for any repetitions...)

Thursday:

On Thursday night, I taught a great class. Two students stayed afterwards and told me how much they enjoyed it. I walked out with them. One of them asked me how old I am, and when I told her "26," she could hardly believe it. I was really flattered and it was a nice boost to my self esteem. Parting ways with the students, I turned on my cell phone. Guess who? Yes, a message from Narc:

Hey, it's me. It's about 8:30. Um, it's uh, It's Thursday, so as I recall, I think you have a late class tonight, or something? I'm not sure. Well, of course you do, but I'm not sure how late it goes... til 9:00 or til 10:00 or til what. But, I'm on the Upper East Side and I'm taking the green line down. I have to meet a friend of mine at Marseille in a little bit. But that's in like an hour or so. So, I was going to pop into Cheers and all that and maybe, um, get a drink and maybe do Karaoke and all that. But I guess you're still teaching. So, maybe I'll see you in a bit. I don't know. Anyway, just give me a ring back if you like. Alright. Bye.

(I think it's cute how he always sounds nervous on the phone when he calls me.)

Needless to say, I was excited and called him back. He said that he was already at Marseille but that he could stop by Cheers afterwards. I raced home as fast as I could. NDN had sent me a text that he was already at Cheers. He had decided to go to my sister's Halloween party as "Hyde," so he wrote me a text telling me he was at Cheers doing some research to "get into character." I laughed and went over there to join him. I told him that Narc was on his way and that I was nervous about it. (Remember, they don't like him very much at Cheers!) NDN assured me it would be fine. Soon enough, Narc arrived. It's always a little awkward when I first see him, but we ended up having fun. NDN moved over to another table and Thursday girl joined him, pointedly asking him in reference to Narc, "What is he doing here?" But in general, Narc was none the wiser that he wasn't all that welcome there. We did some karaoke and both got drunk. NDN left after a little while. Narc and I came back to my place to continue the evening's revels at around 2:00 am.

Friday:

The next morning we both got up pretty late-- at around 12:00 pm. I had my speech therapy appointment and was worried about getting him out of bed. (If you recall, I left a brief post about that.) Anyway, I did get him up, but I didn't make it to my appointment. Instead, I got a little sidetracked (and I'm sure you know what I mean). I had another doctor's appointment at 3:00-- to get the results of a test I had two weeks ago. I was nervous about it. Narc didn't want me to go. He said I should just skip it. Then, he asked if I had anything to drink in the house. I have purposely not restocked any alcohol here, so all I had to offer was some cheap vodka and some khalua. He started drinking straight away. Not me. Since he really didn't want to part ways, I offered that he could come to the doctor with me, and then we could go back to my place after that. He agreed and said that he would wait for me during my appointment in a nearby pub. It was a beautiful little place called "Tir Na Nog" and I met him there right after, according to plan.

When I walked into the bar, Narc was visibly drunk. He was talking to some guy about the Berklee College of Music in Boston. Narc attended for a really short time, but didn't like it there and was trying to persuade this guy not to have his son go. Anyway, the news I had from the doctor was not all that great (I really don't feel like discussing it here) and I didn't want to discuss it with Narc either. But of course he asked me what had happened when he saw that I was visibly upset. He told me that I shouldn't worry-- that the whole health care profession is just trying to get money from people by diagnosing people with problems that aren't really problems in order to be able to run more tests and make money from the subsequent medical procedures. He was on one of his drunk rants and not making logical sense, so I kept trying to change the subject, telling him I "didn't want to talk about it."

"Normally, I wouldn't care, you know? But it's you," he said. "It's you."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked.

"Well, you're my Hyde!" he said. "My Hyde."

Shit.

Anyway, he just drank more and more. I ordered him some food (and some for myself) because neither of us had eaten all day.

"I'm going to get wasted today!" he declared. "So, you'll have to hold me together, okay?"

"Okay."

Later we started talking about teaching and stuff and he told me that he's sure I'm a good teacher. I was happy because I've never quite forgotten what he said about me being an "unfit teacher" all the way back in January. Anyway, I had two jack daniels but after that switched to diet soda. I just didn't want to be drunk like that in the afternoon. He tried to pressure me a bit to get back onto the whiskey, but I reminded him that I was supposed to "hold him together," so I couldn't. Really, though, I knew I had dinner plans with NDN and a Halloween party to go to that night. I told Narc that he could come with me if he wanted to, but that I had to be home by 6:00-ish.

"You're sleeping at my place tonight," he announced.

"Oh, is that so?"

"That's right. I own you today, Hyde."

He can get so fucking grandiose. It probably sounds obnoxious here, but at the time that he said it, I thought it was half sweet and half funny. He wasn't being entirely serious. When his words were starting to become incoherently slurred and he seemed about ready to fall off the bar stool, I told him we had to go. It's a good thing too, because when he stood up he had absolutley no balance. I took his hand and led him out into midtown rush hour. We were right near Penn Station and there was not a cab to be seen.

I know that Penn Station has a taxi stand on the other side, so I tried to lead Narc there. He kept bumping into people as we went, and I had to turn and apologize them as we moved along. When we finally got to the taxi line, Narc freaked out about how long it was and said he wanted to walk home instead. It's about a half hour walk, and I wasn't sure what to do, but he was getting a little belligerent. I didn't want to lose control of the situation, so I agreed, taking his hand and leading him towards my place. While we were walking he decided he wanted to go to another pub that he knows near Times Square. I agreed only to keep him content because we had to walk in that direction anyway. But somewhere near Macy's, I saw a free cab and ran towards it. To do so, I had to leave him on the corner, and I was worried he wouldn't realize where I had gone. He managed to make it over to the cab though, and we were off, headed for my apartment.

Narc wanted to make out in the taxi, as I told you in the last post. He kept trying to take off my pants, and I kept telling him that he had to wait until we got home. I'm sure the driver overheard us and I was embarassed. When he saw he wasn't getting anywhere with my pants, he started to take off his own. There wasn't much I could do to stop him without drawing unwanted attention from the driver, so I let him do it, and then just tried to put my hand over him to keep him quiet and to keep the driver from seeing anything. While I was putting on my "responsible Jekyll"/"caretaker" of Narc act, part of me liked being in that kind of "naughty" situation. If I had been drunk too, it would have been fun. There was just too much Jekyll in me, though. Anyway, when we got to my corner, he forgot to zip up before getting out of the car. He was swaying, unbalanced, and hanging out of his pants. The fruit seller who I see on my corner every day, looked at me alarmed.

"Are you okay, miss?" he asked.

"Um, yeah, I'm fine. He just had one too many, that's all. It's alright."

Back at my place, Narc wanted to have sex, as promised. I was fine with it, but stressed out because I knew NDN was waiting for me to call him and tell him it was okay to come over. And afterwards, I couldn't get Narc to get dressed again, so I couldn't give NDN the call. Finally, I just told NDN to come anyway, and when the doorbell rang, I pressured Narc put his pants back on. I was starting to feel like the whole day was some kind of surreal dream, between all of Narc's antics and the bad news I had from the doctor. I was so emotionally stressed out. Maybe I would have handled it all differently, if I didn't have the doctor's new on my mind, but maybe not... I just felt like I had to be a mother to Narc that day--and I got off on taking care of him. But then again, for all you Freudians, is it any surprise, something primal is sparked in me by taking care of and pleasing drunk men? So, whatever...

NDN brought over some chicken and string beans but didn't have food for Narc. I asked Narc for his credit card and sent NDN for some pizza and beer (Narc was insisting on drinking yet even more). While he was gone, I cooked the chicken and looked for a CD to put on, choosing the Rachmaninoff vespers. Narc came up behind me while I was searching the CD shelves, and I had to fend him off because I knew NDN would be back in a few minutes. When NDN returned, he had bought me a beautiful bouquet of lilies and roses and charged it to Narc. I thought it was kind of funny. He also had the pizza and beer and we all ate dinner. Then it was time for me to help NDN get ready for the party. It was a fundraising/costume party for a small opera company.

(The background on that? When I was in high school I did a lot of community theater and the summer after I graduated, I was in a sort of "opera training" program for teens. We did a production of the Mikado and then some smaller recital type performances. I stayed in touch with two people from that group for a few years-- one was a boy a few years younger than me, who had already at age 16, an enormous Verdi-baritone type voice; the other a girl my age, a lyric soprano. Both of them pursued singing as a career. The boy (who is now 24, I think) ended up doing all sorts of amazing things, including a young artists program with Placido Domingo. He then moved out to the West Coast and started performing small roles. Anyway, to make a long story short, he just moved back to NY and threw a party two weeks ago. I went, bringing NDN along, and the girl (who I had lost touch with) was there as well. She's singing with this small opera company in NY and invited me to their fundraising Halloween party. Again, I asked NDN along).

Anyway, I helped NDN with his makeup and costume. Since it was an opera-themed party, he went as Paggliacio and I went as Cio Cio San. While we were getting ready, Narc passed out cold on my bed. At around 9:30, we were ready to leave, but we still had the problem of the sleeping Narc. I started to try to wake him up. He didn't budge. I tried to put my arms around him and heave him out of the bed, but he's just too heavy for me. I tried to slap his cheeks a little (lightly, of course!), but he rolled over and shrugged me off. I tried to drag his legs over the side of the bed to get his feet onto the ground. It was hopeless. I told NDN that maybe I should just stay home. But NDN was determined to help me get Narc up, so we each slung one of Narc's arms around our necks and hauled him up. We led him into the hallway and leaned him against the wall and tried to shove his shoes onto his feet. We got him downstairs and I sent NDN to the ATM because Narc was out of cash. Then NDN hailed a cab while I held Narc up on the corner. I gave Narc $20 and we put him in the car. He was confused and wanted me to come with him, but I told him that I couldn't. He was upset and demanded that I "get into the car!" But we just closed the door and sent him off. I was full of a slew of mixed emotions-- too many for me to sort through right now. But most of all, I was worried about him and wanted him to get home safely.

After that, NDN and I headed uptown to the opera party and I tried to put all the Narc stuff behind me. I already blogged about the party. Narc called me a few times and told me he got out of the cab at the wrong place. I was worried sick until he called me when he got home. I really do love him. I promised him I would call him on my way home from carousing that evening and maybe go down and see him. He really just needed to sleep it off though. NDN was chatting it up with all of the ladies at the party, and one girl was really into him and probably would have gone home with him, but he wasn't that attracted to her. I spent most of the party talking to that tenor who told me I have great cheekbones. The party ended relatively early because they only had the room reserved til midnight, so after that, NDN and I took off for Cheers.

Again, I already blogged about this in the last post. (I can't believe I felt KHill through his jeans. That's something Jekyll would never ever do! But I have to confess, I have a little crush on him, so it was kind of cool.) Anyway, NDN went home before me but I stayed out really really late and drank a lot. At around 3:00 in the morning, I sent Narc a text:

If you're still up, call me. I want to fuck you.

I'm not surprised I didn't hear back from him that night. I don't remember how or when I got home, but I woke up the next morning ultra-hungover. And I had a message from Narc:

Hey, it's me. It's about 11:00 am. I just crawled out of bed. You are probably still asleep, but just give me a call when you get this.

I called him back and he asked if I wanted to "come on down and have sex." I know how crass it must sound to you guys, but in reality, he just wanted to invite me over and can't admit that he wants to spend time with me without couching it in some kind of obnoxious macho way. I told him I'd give him a call in a little while. In the meantime, B stopped by and asked if I wanted to get lunch.

So I lunched with B and then went to see Narc. It was cute-- Narc wanted to play his new video game with me. I have so rarely played video games that I hardly knew how to hold or operate the controller. So I wasn't much competition for him. Then we watched Superman on TV and ate sushi. He wasn't feeling well. He said it was more than the hangover-- he thought he was getting sick. I told him I had to leave by 5:30 to get back to my place in time to get ready for my sister's Halloween party. He was sad to see me go.

Anyway, last night there was a lot more excitement. NDN played "Hyde" for the evening and did a smashing job. But as this post is getting dreadfully long, I'll write the "Part II" later...

-h-

Hangover

Holy shit. I have a a hangover like there's no tomorrow. Fuck that. I'm still drunk. Narc just called me.

"What's up?" I asked.

"Wanna come down here and have sex?"

"Um... Okay."

But I'll get to that in a few minutes...

First-- You guys would not BELIEVE the scene at my place yesterday. We woke up around 11:00 am and he started drinking straight away. I have very little booze at my place, but he found a bottle of cheap vodka (purchased for a house party a year ago) and some Khalua and started drinking as soon as he was up. I couldn't get him up in time to make it to my speech therapy, so I skipped it. Then I had a 3:00pm doctor's appointment on the West Side. He came with me, but I left him at a pub until I was done. When I met him an hour later, or so, he was WASTED. Falling off the stool wasted! He called me "my hyde" and told me he always worries about me. (That stuff fucking kills me, you know?) Anyway, I managed to get him home in one piece. He tried to take my pants off in the cab, but I resisted. So he whipped his own thing out and I could only keep him "in line" by jacking him off. I was embarassed and hoped the cab driver didn't see. When we got to my corner and got out of the cab he didn't even zip up before getting out. He was that drunk. He couldn't even form complete sentences. The guy who sells fruit on my corner got one look at the whole scene and asked me if I were okay.

"Yeah, I'm okay," I said. "Thanks for asking. He just had one too many."

All this was still before 7:00 pm, mind you.

The rest of the evening got weirder and weirder. Narc was so drunk he lost all coherence. We had sex during which he told me he "loves me" over and over and over. I knew how drunk he was, so it's not like I could believe it, but it still fucked with my head. After that, NDN came over to have dinner. I really think he needs to chime in here to describe the scene to you. Eventually Narc passed out on my bed. NDN and I had to haul him out of there, slinging his arms around our necks and trying to drag him out of the bed. (Narc, by the way, must be at least 6'2" and 200 lbs.) NDN hailed a cab for him. The only way I could get Narc to stay calm was to tell him to kiss me. He smeared my makeup everywhere. (I was dressed as a geisha for a halloween party. Well, Cio Cio San from Madama Butterfly to be exact). We put Narc in the cab (and I gave him $20) and we sent him off. He was mad at me for not coming with him.

Later on, he called me and told me that he got out of the cab in the wrong neighborhood. I was sick with worry. I made him promise to call me when he got home, which he did. Even so, I had a blast at that halloween party. I met a tenor who told me I have the "cheekbones" of a singer. And I got drunk. Narc called again and made me promise to call him when I was on my way home.

NDN and I ended the night at Cheers. I saw KHill there who told me I looked "hot" in the geisha outfit. He was outside smoking a cigarette and told me he had an erection. He told me to feel it through his jeans. I did. Where do I meet these people? I reminded him he once said he wanted to "impregnate me." He was embarassed. Whatever... It was all good and I was having fun. I also bumped into another girl, WelcomeToTheJungle-- I had met her at Cheers a few months ago and we became friends, but then I never called her after we exchanged numbers. I apologized for that and bought her a drink.

I didn't get home until 4:30 or 5:00 am. I sent Narc a text:

If you're still up, call me. I want to fuck you.

He just called me now. I told him I was hung over but glad that he got home safe. (This, of course, being the conversation I started this post with.)

"Yeah, I'm totally recovered," he said. "I woke up at 6:00 am this morning, but the hangover disappeared."

"So what's up?" I asked. "Why are you calling?"

"Um, I don't know... Wanna come over and have sex?"

"Sure."

Just after that, B called.

"Wanna have lunch today, Hyde?"

"Okay? But soon? I have to go have sex with Narc."

"I can be there in half an hour."

"Perfect. See you then."

Guys, I feel like my life is crazy. I'm crazy. NDN, your two cents? Fuck, fuck. fuck. Why am I still drunk when it's almost noon? Why do I still put up with Narc's shit? When am I going to get it together?

Arghhh! I'm going to brush my teeth and get dressed so that I'm presentable for B. Then I'm going to pretend that I have some semblance of sanity and ignore last night's memory loss. Maybe after that I'll pick up the pizza crusts and used condoms from my living room floor.

I have to go to BigSis' birthday party tonight.

Later...

-h

Oh, PS: Funny part of the story-- Narc gave NDN his credit card to go buy us some pizza. NDN also bought me a huge bouquet of lilies and roses on Narc's tab. Narc was too drunk to know the difference. I thought it was sweet. Ha!